Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This is a cute story but I think it needs a little tweaking before it can be great. The dialogue for one, it just doesn't sounds to me like teenager's talking. Also I woul like a little more to show me that Michael is really "missing school" and wants to go back and it's not just saying that because he wants to please his older brother.

Bill Clar (Level 3)

This is a very good and uplifting story. I was expecting Roger to be the typical jerk, and he was too a small degree, but he does care for Michael and it shows.

"A folded wheelchair sits close, in a corner. It’s Michaels, he’s paraplegic." This could make for a better reveal in the story. Michael could pull away from the table in his wheelchair when Ms. Connor arrives. This is much more dramatic than telling us he's paraplegic.

My only other suggestion is to make Roger a few years younger. He's a bit too excited and energetic for a 17 year old. At least going by the 17 year olds I know. Maybe 15 or 16 would better suit him.

Good job!

Brian Howell (Level 4)

This is GOOD for me. There aren't any major flaws or problems, but there's not anything profound either. There wasn't much to these characters. I'm getting a feeling that this decision to go to 'normal' school is a pretty big deal, but it actually didn't feel that way. I also don't fully grasp the tie between the picture and Michael's thoughts about it and how this leads him to go back to school. The decision to go to school seemed to be mostly influenced by his older brother.

So this is GOOD, but nothing spectacular.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

A good story. Keeps me engaged. The emotional state of Michael, and how he the emotional state related to the picture in the story is good. Usually, the people who are physically challenged, I feel, are more determined to achieve their goal. The Michael's state of mind looks like that. But the essay he writes is disturbing: it signifies depression. Is Michael depressd too? The whole story can be developed on this base: Michael has to fight himself (his depression) to achieve what he wants to achieve... A good plot and a good thinking.I like the idea of the writer.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

'Dinning' should be 'dining'.

There is some passive writing in there. Eliminate the word 'is' from your descriptions comepletely.

I'm not sure there's much of a story here. We've got a home-schooled kid in a wheelchair that does an essay on a painting and decides he wants to go to real school. I don't know... It didn't really work for me. There's no real twist or climax at the end. It's just kind of a glimpse in to the life of what appears to be a relatively ordinary family and while it was written pretty well, it's not all that interesting and not really something I'd want to watch in a film.

Nevertheless, I think you put in a solid effort. It's not that I think the story is bad, it's just too bland. It needs something more to spice it up. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

I like this story - it has an arc and a resolution and the characters are engaging.


INT. DINNING ROOM ? Shame to have such a prominent spelling mistake in your first few words.

It’s Michaels, he’s paraplegic. - It's Michael's...and don't TELL us he's paraplegic.

a boy of about fifteen - is it important?

a concerned mother - don't tell us this either!

Incredulously patient? I think you mean incredibly patient. Incredulous means 'unable to believe'

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Nice story, nicely written.

I think the proper expression is fish "for a living" rather than fish "for living", though I could be wrong.

I like the characters and overall story, and you do very well describing it all, just seems a bit slow. Really good as an "exercise" in writing, not sure it's something I'd pay to see on the screen.

Overall a really good job, would like to see a story with a bit more oomph!

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I thought this was great. A nice subtle character study. All family relationships felt real. The dialogue was nuanced. I love all the things you left unsaid.

In the end, I might have a few too many questions unanswered, but I still found myself drawn to this story, to Michael, and the to image of the boy and the boat.

Very well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

"he is dressed" might be better as "he wears"...more active voice...but everything else was done really well...two minor gripes i would raise would be that the dialog was really stiff...seemed to be coming from the same voice..."i want to start school, mrs. conner. real school. i think mom will understand."...i'd go with more of, "i wanna start school. a real school. mom will understand."...the second concern would be that (very often) there are asides placed in between the lines of dialog...it really interrupts the flow of the read and isn't necessary...just tell us who enters, who exits, and who's carrying a gun...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Screenplay format was strong but the conflict was hard to find in this story. Also, use spellcheck because “dinning” should be dining.

Herman Chow (Level 4)

I don't know if I'm missing something here, especially at the end. Did Michael fake to be a paraplegic all along? Even if he's not, the ending is kinda anti-climatic.

I guess what you're trying to convey is that Michael has been trying to go to real school and now he's ready by showing he can get on the wheelchair by himself. There seems to be missing a few scenes that showed how Michael struggle to do that. Instead, he just suddenly did it and came out of left field.

The first three pages are nice. It showed the relationship between Michale and Roger. But those pages kinda dwell on how Michael will finish the essay, with input from Roger. Didn't push forward the story too much. I'll say the story is a bit on the thin side.

Nevertheless, it is very well-written. Didn't find any typos.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 4)

"A folded wheelchair sits close, in a corner. It’s Michaels,
he’s paraplegic."

I think you can trim this down to just "A folded wheelchair sits in the corner". That is all we would see on screen anyway. I figure out the rest just by showing me that.

I like the back and forth between the brothers, a love between them comes through your writing. Sometimes, Roger's antics get a little too goofy for my taste, such as when he makes remarks to the teacher and she just replies, Now, Roger . . .

I would want to know more about why the boy hasn't been to real school yet. There is no backstory as to why they decided for him not to go. The decision seems to be up to him, but why would parents leave it up to the child to make big decisions like this? I'm left curious about this point.

I like using the picture as a basis for the story. Michael's last speech when he makes his decision wasn't quite clear to me. I didn't quite understand his analogy between the picture and his decision.

I have this at very good. If the dialogue was updated slightly to make some of the back and forth less goofy and if that last speech was updated to make the analogy more clear to me, I would have it at excellent.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Level 4)

Don't tell us it's Michael's an he's paraplegic. How is the audience going to see that? We sort of figure it belongs to him since he is sitting and there is a wheelchair in the corner, unless you state otherwise. And I'm sure you're going to show him in it later.

I'm not following their dialogue. It's seems strangely paced. No, I just don;t know what they're talking about. Michael is writing an essay, not making up a story right?

You don't snatch a plate of soup away from anyone. It would spill everywhere.

This entire pace confused me. I see that he was just looking at a picture and had to interpret what it meant. I get that now. But then the jokes and the mom... they just seemed so misplaced. And I didn't understand the relevance of half of what Roger was saying. And his "squinted" eyes? I didn't see how that added to the story or his character.

Your writing is pretty good though. This was okay.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Good characters and a solid story. Michael's brave new step in life was nicely set up, especially with the picture he drew of the boy and his boat. You managed to have both him and Roger's character arc by story's end and all ends well. While it's not a script that jumps out of the page, you did manage to keep the flow going. It is a nice, touching story that reminds me of an old after-school special with a message about not being afraid to take it to the next level. Good Job.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Nice sentiment. The picture prompt fits well with a story all its own. Like the relationship between Michael and Roger. Roger supports his challenged brother and his influence is the catalyst for Michael's arc to becoming more self-sufficient.
There is a lot of dialogue. Not quite sure what their mom, Betty, means when she looks at the picture and says, "'Missing" carries a whole other meaning. He'd go to school but it's Sunday, he's got nothing to do..." Her depiction doesn't seem to fit the picture of a fifteen-year-old boy, cringing, as he drags a boat to water. Perhaps Mom shouldn't be part of the discussion. The exchanges between Michael and Roger are really good; Mom could simply pass through the room a couple times listening to her two boys "bonding" over the homework assignment.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I feel like the characters in this story are just caricatures, not real people. A caricatured paraplegic: what does a paraplegic boy really say, do, think? How does he really interact with an older brother? He feels so subservient, not like a real boy who just happens to be in a wheelchair!

To be "homeschooled" is not at all the same thing as to be "tutored at home". Since the two things are so very different, it makes me think that the author hasn't done research. Roger assumes that Michael is a sissy because he's being tutored? It doesn't make any sense. If Roger was referring to the culturally accepted animus against homeschoolers, why doesn't Roger understand that Michael isn't actually being homeschooled? How is Michael any less of a "man" because he's learning in a different way?

Michael's sudden decision to go to "real school" doesn't feel like a victory. It feels like he's submitting to Roger's peer pressure.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

I found this hard to track what the characters were trying to achieve and the world was confusing to me. It wasn't set up well who was in home school - at first it seemed like it was just Michael with Roger maybe having been home schooled at one point, but by the end it seemed like Roger was too. Also, the meeting with the teacher could be set up better - is this just a normal session for them, or is the meeting about something else? (like transfering to a real school).

I think it might help to give your characters simpler objectives to try and achieve through their dialogue, which there was an awful lot of. Right now it was very hard to track what was going on. This was very true in the end for me - when was a decision made? If all they were waiting for was Michael to say he wanted to go to regular school, where's the drama? What leads him to this? For having been built up, Ms. Connor plays almost no part in the action - she just has two half lines. Also, why does Michael's decision go for Roger too?

The setup didn't draw me in like I had hoped. The intro was pretty good, but for a large part of the middle of the script we are watching someone read from an essay that someone else is writing - that's just not very visually interesting. I think you could keep the same conversation but break it out of the confines of reading the essay - perhaps it starts on the essay and then continues between the two brothers and their mother as some other actions are going on.

There were also some noticeable typos that drew me out of the read - I think you meant 'plops' by 'plumps' on pg 1, Bettys name changes to Mother in dialogue at one point, there were some possessive issues. Also, how can one be incredulously patient?

I wish I could've tracked what was going on better, but I just couldn't follow.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is pretty good. It's well-written and I like the characters you've created. The dialogue was pretty good and the characters had individual, natural voices.

"Incredulously" means with skepticism. It might have another use in English English, though. I'm not marking on it.

Formatting, spelling and punctuation are fine. I didn't notice any errors, anyway.

As nicely done as this is, it doesn't do anything for me. Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This story was quite poignant. I liked the way you contrasted the bombastic Roger with the stoic Michael. They had a good dynamic as brothers.

At first I wasn't too sure what the assignment was. Was Michael supposed to write an essay based on a picture? I couldn't quite buy it.

I really like the subtle progression in this script, to the point at the end where he's trying to be more independent. It doesn't hit you in the face but it's present.

Nicely executed. Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Haha, Roger is really a piece of work. Some witty banter between the family. My only grip is that the story doesn't seem to be built around a specific catalyst that could trigger the change in Michael.

It seems more like he's been thinking this for some time, and today is just the day when he decides to tell his family and teacher.

Perhaps, you could build this around one traumatic event that changes radically Michael's view of things and pushes him out into the world?

Interesting read, though. Good job.

Matthew Fettig (Level 4)

Title - This works well for the story and a good tie-in to the picture.

The story is cute. It has a bit of a Norman Rockwell feel to it - sort of old-fashioned, boys getting into trouble and all that.

Overall, I think you did a good job. There were a few lines that stuck out to me for wrong word choices (is this a cultural thing?)

lines the table...? do you mean - sets the table?

plate of soup? do you mean - bowl of soup?

You have some fun humor in here and you move things along pretty well in a setting that has a lazy feel to it.

One thing that bothered me after the read was Michael's attitude - he has the world at his feet. That's a very strong emotional idea and I didn't get that sense about him throughout the story. Roger has a sort of Tom Sawyer attitude about him, maybe written a bit too much beyond his age, but I didn't get a strong sense of personal worth/ability from Michael.

I enjoyed it though, it was a fun read, and made good use of the picture concept.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I'm not really sure what the story is here. Is it about the boy wanting to go to school and then deciding he will? I thought that would be the mother's decision? I guess I'm just bit confused about it.

The characters were pretty good. They seemed to each have a voice and the dialogue wasn't bad.

The actions on the other hand left a bit to be desired. Asides and unfilmables like:

it is definitely not what he just said
a concerned mother,
spending another minute with his brother wouldn’t hurt

either don't belong in a script or at the very least don't belong in a script this size.

Incredulously patient - could be ok but seemed like weird usage to me.

And you forgot to change every instance of MOTHER to BETTY.

Narrative **
Dialogue ***
Character ***
Story **

2.5 * out of 5 *

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Second description line typo - Michaels should be Michael's.

Other than that, EXCELLENT! Dialogue is wicked cool. Story idea is simple, sweet, and oh so well executed. Writing is clear and concise, and doesn't interfere. Characters drawn very well in limited amount of time. One of the best I've read.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

Sweet and nice, but I feel it's more of a scene than really a story. I mean, I want more time with these characters, but to really feel the emotional impact of this, I need to have spend more time with these guys. It just sort of happens now. The dialogue is good, really good, but sometimes a bit too old for the characters.

The characters come out nice, and I wish there was more to Ms. Ravishing, but I'm afraid all she is is a pretty smile.

It was good, more of this please.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I was getting into this one, but I think it loses steam halfway through, and even became confusing in spots. Who exactly is Ms. Connor? A school board representative?

This felt like a scene from a bigger story. Maybe you should examine lengthening this and see where it goes.

I think we get a little too caught up with Roger's personality. He's fun, but it's Michael's story, yet he gets upstaged by Roger.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I liked how this started. The idea and detail of the picture was well done. Got the whole thing and enjoyed it throughout. I thought a couple parts of dialog just didn;t seem to fit with Roger's character. The "Keep us helthy" parts and the whole part with with the teacher...just seemed odd. But he is 17 and I'm 34...so maybe that is the reaosn why.

Overall though I did enjoy this and I like Micheal's character and reactions to the story and picture.

Good luck to you this month.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

I liked this story. It was neat how you introduced the picture and the story revolved around it. It didn't seem contrived either.

I like your characters, even though I think the story fizzles a bit at the end. I felt close to this family and their lives.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

It's heartwarming that the picture inspired Michael to want to go to "real" school, but the story surrounding his decision is a little thin. For example, what's the "million-dollar moment" in the story? The moment that causes Michael to make the big decision that he wants to go to "real" school. The moment that makes us want to stand up and shout, "Yes!" And what led up to that moment? Why should we be overjoyed that Michael made that decision? What was wrong with things the way they were?

A lot of those things are missing from the story. Everything is happy, happy, happy in Michael's world, so when he decides to change it's no big deal (for us). It would be more effective if you spent some time showing us how Michael's world is stifling him (or something), but he's trapped and he can't escape because (fill in the blank). But, then, as a result of the painting he picks himself up by the bootstraps, overcomes his obstacles, and triumphantly moves forward with his life. That's what this story needs.

I enjoyed it, but it needs more drama.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Dinning Room? Dining Room, I think you meant. Not a good start. Same spelling mistake again in the first action line.

How do we know that the wheelchair is Michael's? How do we know that he is paraplegic? Show, don't tell.

Best not to put 'haha' in your dialogue. Looks a little amateur.

A good message here and I like the characters. I like the chemistry between the brothers.

Michael doesn't really come to the conclusion that he wants to go to proper school by himself, he's just going off what his brother tells him. It's better to have an active protagonist who makes his own decisions based on his own experiences.

Taylor Roberts (Level 2)

I liked the relationships between the brothers and the mother, it all read very natural. This was a much different approach to the contest than what I was expecting. I like the timeline of the story, providing a clear end to the story whenever Ms. Connor arrives. That said, I'm a bit confused about the importance of home schooling versus public schooling. I feel like there needs to be more developed between the brothers, but I say that mainly because I want to know what happened to them both. Was there a boating accident? I know that the boating references were in regards to the picture "Missing School", but there seemed to be much more to it than that.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

You have a good story here.

The concept is very nice, but then I think format could be tighter and your characters don't ring quite real to me.

"A folded wheelchair sits close, in a corner. It’s Michaels, he’s paraplegic." Sadly, your reader can't know that at this time.
But later you write "Roger unfolds the wheelchair, helps Michael to it," which actually lets us know who's the chair user in a more natural way - without pointing at it. And later youwrite "He winks to Roger and signals him to stay put as he hoists himself into the wheelchair all by himself."
It seems to me that you relly didn't need to tell us who the chair belonged to since you were gonig to show it to us.

Format is pretty good. I just want to point that your O.S.'s are in reality V.O.'s since the persons that speaks those dialogues are NOT in the location of the scene.

Also, when you write "A doorbell interrupts them. Roger sprints towards the hall.
A screech of the front door," your reader knows where Roger goes and where the screech comes from just because you told it; because, according to your format, the camera is still in the dinning room.

The last thing I want to commet regards dialogue and character.

I think that Michael and Roger need work. They sound very well as adults, but they are kids. I hear then speaking, and, in my ear, they don't sound like the persons you tell me they are.

Hope it hepls. Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

I thought this was a good effort, it told a complete story so well done there.

I don't know about telling us that the wheelchair is Michael's and that he's paraplegic. Better to just describe what we see on screen and find a way to show us that he's paraplegic. I wasn't too keen on Roger's dialogue, either. Sounded to me like he had some sort of mental disability or something from some of the stuff he was saying. Some of the writing and dialogue could be cleaned up a bit, but good effort.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This line isn't necessary: "It’s Michaels, he’s paraplegic." You could end at "A folded wheelchair sits close, in a corner." and not miss a beat. This has a very real family feel to it; like I was a fly on the wall, and I like that kind of tone in a script. Not a good start to mispell "Dining", the pro's wouldn't have kept reading. This story is simple, would be very inexpensive to produce and although it feels more like a sequence to a bigger picture, it may be able to stand on its own.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2010 12:29 AM

Great script. This is definitely my favorite work of yours so far. Well done.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 2:13 AM

Glad you liked it!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/5/2010 5:57 PM

I'm trying to rewrite it, already posted the rewrite but it's just an edited version, and I'm thinking of more changes to it.

Could you please advise on an important part - what Michael says in the end (he reads a part of the essay to his teacher and his brother):

MICHAEL
I’d call this boy ‘a cripple’ and
in a way he is. I’m a true cripple, but... All he has is his boat and the burden to provide for the family. All I have is the world. At my feet so to speak.

I don't know if it's clear as is - he means that the boy on the picture doesn't have a choice and he does have a choice.

I tried to tweak it but nothing seems to work.
Andy suggestions, even totally rewritten bit, are welcome! Thanks.

James Hughes (Level 4) ~ 7/5/2010 7:42 PM

how about:

I'd call this boy a cripple and in a way he is. He is limited to his boat and the burden to provide for the family. I'm a true cripple, but I have the entire world. At my feet so to speak.

This doesn't sound as poetic as what you originally had. I think what threw me when I reviewed your script was the way you say all the boy has is the boat. You phrased it in terms of his potential, same as the way you phrased it for the character in your story. So what I wrote above was putting the boy in the picture in terms of what he is limited to and the character in your story in terms of what his potential is. I think that is the point you are saying you want to get across. I think it would be more clear if they are written differently in those opposite terms. Then you could put your poetry back into it as well.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 7/5/2010 8:08 PM

I think James is right. Maybe all you need is just rearrange the sentences.

MICHAEL
I’d call this boy ‘a cripple’ and
in a way he is. All he has is his boat and
the burden to provide for the
family. I’m a true cripple,
but... I have all the world. At
my feet so to speak.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/6/2010 12:52 PM

Thanks James and Teo. I guess "I'm a true cripple, but ..." should do the trick - I too think it's clearer than what I had. I'll use one of your versions then.