Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Howell (Level 4)

I'll be honest, I'm confused. So is Cutter really Andy? Did we meet Uncle Jake before his head appeared with the grizzly bear? What did the girl's little ditty at the end mean? For a moment I was thinking uncle jake had done something to the girl (molest her or something) and she called upon the bear to dispatch of him, but I don't know anymore. I think there are too many people in this that don't appear to be vital to the story. But then again I'm not terribly sure what the story is - a little girl draws a picture of a bear killing her uncle before it happens - is that right?

I think this one went over my head. It read fast though, that's a plus. I'm voting FAIR.

Brian Mark Churchill (Level 3)

A very nicely written plot. The picture has a real meaning in the story. The intrigue is very enticing, and the end sends chills to the spine. Nice. Lovely writing. This can be developed into an half an hour show (TV), if author wants. Congratulations. May God bless.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Cutter is not properly introduced.

There's some weird spacing going on at the top of all of the pages.

The dialogue was okay, as were the characters. My main criticism here would be the way the characters reacted to things. I didn't believe any of it. Gina sees a guy with a pencil sticking out of his eye and instead of reacting, just tells Megan to be careful about her guess.

The grizzly bear is outside their window tossing someone's head at it and everyone cowers in fear? The bear is outside. Why would they hide behind couches? Do they think the bear knows how to open doors?

After the bear leaves, everyone gets in their cars and take off. Someone was just killed. I suspect the first thing anyone would do is call 911, not get in their car and leave.

The picture she was drawing was a vision of the future? Or she looked out the window and saw the bear killing her uncle? If she saw it happen, I can't fathom any way that no one would have heard the ruckus. Bears aren't exactly quiet when they're attacking and I doubt Uncle Jake would be very quiet either if he was getting mauled by a bear.

Overall, I think you put in a solid effort, but the story just isn't even remotely believable to me. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

I'm afraid I found this very hard to follow, even after three times of reading. I couldn't understand the motives of anyone, or what was real and what was fantasy. There were so many characters that you didn't have time to give them any depth.

I think you'd be well-advised to narrow down your stories so they had more focus.

A few notes.

He has model like features and a body to match, but walks humbly -how can you convey humility by your walk?

She pout - she pouts

Would Paul say 'we're gonna fuck with Gina' in front of a very young child?

The text starts very low down on the pages.

CUTTER - who the heck is Cutter?

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Read this twice and am still confused as can be.
Did Uncle Jake really die, had his severed head bashed against the window, and Daddy has to keep from smirking? What did I miss?
Don't get the part about her not being Goldielocks and Uncle Ned not picking her bed first.

The setting is cool and I actually got a bit of a chill when Kaylie reveals what has happened to Uncle Jake - you should have gone with it.

Can't wait to hear what this is all about.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

Honestly, this was very strange. I like strange, but this was so far out there, in the end, I'm not sure I really know what happened or why. People seemed to appear out of nowhere and the typos only added to the confusion.

There might be a great story here, but this needs a rewrite to make it all work smoothly.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

A little girl's drawings come to life in a horrific manner. Good premise, but, who is there to root for in this story? Megan is about the only sympathetic story but she's not one of the principals.

There were a few confusing things as well. Paul is like a model but "walks humbly," it's difficult to get a good read on his character from that description. Also Cutter and Andy pop up and then just as quickly disapper. For a 5 page script there are a lot of characters coming and going.

Also, Gina's warning to Megan about guessing what Kaylie's picture is suppose to represent seemed odd. Wouldn't Megan, Kaylie's mom, already know this about her own daughter? Some nicely horrifying ideas at work here but it needs reworking.

David Birch (Level 5)

...if you "slug" UPPER CLASS LOG CABIN...then writing, "the room is furnished comfortably."...is redundant and in bad form (adverb alert)...we only need to know if something is out of the ordinary (i.e. no furniture)...she pout(s)...a nice parallel to the goldilocks kids story...just a little too short to develop fully...

Herman Chow (Level 4)

Who's CUTTER at the end of page 1?

Okay, you gotta tell me what you are really trying to tell us with this "story". It's pretty much an incident that got prolonged by a lot of unimportant action and character interaction.

Basically, a girl draws a picture that shows how her uncle got killed by a bear, then the said bear attacks the cabin, but why the bear mellows after seeing the girl is beyond me.

This script is hampered by the number of characters. All you really need are Paul, Kaylie, and maybe Megan. The others: Gina, Andy and Uncle Ned should not be in the script, because they didn't push the story forward nor add any conflict. Furthermore, it confuses the readers as to which characters we should focus on.

You also need to trim and tighten the story. Don't need the thing about there's a party, chips on the table, Uncle Ned with pencil in the eye (and no one seems to be helping him ??!!). I didn't understand the ending either. I hope you can clarify them after the contest.

Writing can be tightened as well. Try not to use as many "then" and "and"s.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 4)

Why does the cabin need to be upper class and Paul need to look like a model? I'm not sure what that has to do with the script.

Guess it isn't realy if Paul is smiling, but he said on the phone he was going to mess with Gina and appears to have messed with everyone at the party, driving them away. Was Jake dressed as a bear? All of the different names made it a little bit confusing. I read it again to just get the characters straight in my head.

There was a bit of a different tone to this than most other scripts. Something a little more playful, easy to read, fun story to follow. I liked that about this story. The head being thrown against the house was a nice touch.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Pg 1 pouts not pout.

To me, there isn't enough substance to the story.
It's a bit of a weak practical joke without much pay off.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Level 4)

I hope his model like features have something to do with the story.

"but is utterly confused. He decides to guess." You could have cut all this out by just fixing up the dialogue: Nice... Buffalo? That implies everything you described.

"PoutS"

I hope the flat screen television was mentioned for a reason. If not, cut it.

You accidently called Paul "Cutter" And you just said Paul waves at Andy. You never mentioned there was someone else in the house. You should tell us how many people are there or introduce Andy by having him walk in the room.

I didn't understand the tone. Maybe this was supposed to be a comedy? I'm not sure. You should try to steer away from cliche things. Like the little girl drawing. That has been done is several horrors. Maybe I'm not getting it.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

First of all I have to say great title! :)

I kind of liked your story but it didn't quite click for me. The ideas are there but the execution is not quite. It was loads of little things stopping me from enjoying your story. For example:

-- Why does Paul want to teach Gina a lesson? Perhaps if you showed Gina doing something wrong to Paul. Or perhaps show Paul and Andy discussing what Gina had done, and how they're planning their revenge. Then show Paul convincing Kaylee to be in on the gag.

-- And the phonecall Paul answers took me out of the story. It's not very interesting to hear one side of the conversation, particularly as the dialogue was just there to fill in the background plot.

-- Alos, Andy doesn't seem to say much either!

-- When Gina says: "Don’t guess what your daughter is drawing unless you know for sure."... that doesn't seem like a natural reaction of someone who's just seen a man with a pencil in their eye.

-- When Kaylee said "That's what killed Uncle Jake". I think it would have been better to physically introduce Uncle Jake earlier. Have him say something like: JAKE:"I'm just nipping out for some firewood" PAUL:"Okay.(laughs) Be careful of all the bears out there!"

-- And finally ...who's CUTTER? :)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a good script in that it contained a few laughs and an adorable child at its center, but the actual story itself was devoid of a concrete plot. At least for me. Kaylie draws her picture and then it happens outside the cabin, but I don't understand how she did what she did and why it was done. Perhaps Kaylie's last words at the end offered some punch-line to the whole thing, but I didn't get it.

The writing is not bad and the scenario has much potential, but I don't feel it was exploited for all it was worth and the story, in a general sense, had no cohesive tale to tell. Good effort and Good luck.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the title - bare, the bare - sounds good too.

It's a fun short. He uses the f word in front of his daughter though... Paul's "model like looks" and "humble way of walk" - I don't think you really need that. First - it took me out of your short and then it send me different direction - I thought it was going to be about some cool Paul...bachelor Paul... but definitely not about a father.

When he says "my daughter Kaylie" - I know you want us to know that Kaylie is his daughter, but I doubt anyone on the phone would say that... Later Gina and him talk about Kaylie's maybe that's when you could let us know she's his daughter.

It's a Very Good short. Very entertaining.

You have People do this and that - how many people are there in the room?

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Catchy title. Characters could use some distinction. Paul's "model-like" depiction is rather stereotypical and doesn't seem to be relevant to the story. His friend, Andy, suddenly appears with no introduction. (Think there's a typo of the name "Cutter" instead of Paul.) Gina, "ready to party," doesn't provide much of a visual picture nor does labeling Kaylie's mom Megan as simply "20s." Might streamline some of the character actions. Kaylie "turns and glares at him (Paul) with pure contempt" isn't necessary; the actors would certainly deliver the dialog as written and the emotion in Kaylie's reply, "Dad, it's a bear!" is clear. Maybe tighten some of the dialogue too; there's a lot of chit-chat. Omitting "oh, hey, yeah, well" frees up space. Not sure about the meaning of the ending. Kaylie's summation of what happened to Uncle Ned doesn't sound like a six-year-old. "Paul is shocked," but stifles a smirk seems to present contradictory emotions.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

There's a character named "Cutter" who has dialogue on the bottom of page 1, but I don't know who that is. I'm guessing it's Paul's last name, but there's no way to verify.

Why the word "fuck" on page 1? It just seemed unnecessary and out of character with the rest of the page.

There are a lot of unnecessary characters here, it seemed to me. The basic story revolves around Kaylie's supernatural abilities, but there are a lot of people who seem to be relatives (though the relationships aren't spelled out) crisscrossing through the script.

Perhaps we should have met Jake before he got killed by the bear, because without knowing who he is, his death didn't come as a shock. It's not surprising to the viewer, because the viewer didn't know he existed.

Kaylie's final speech is a little hard to understand. Suddenly she's talking like an adolescent, but as though she's answering questions that were never asked. No one said that Jake was a bear. No one even thought Jake was a bear. And the Goldlilocks connection remains mysterious to me.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Your top and bottom margins are too big. I can't think what they should be right now... I haven't had to think about them for a while now. It's all out there on the internet, though.

I don't understand your story at all. Does the joke end and the bear is real? Are the pictures Kaylie's drawing supposed to be prophetic as part of the joke?

There are too many characters. I lost track of them. Who was CUTTER? He speaks, but... Who is he? Or she?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice idea, a prank that goes wrong. Creepy children are always great in horror movies, and I liked how you played off and then fulfilled that trope.

"has to stop himself from smirking."
Uh... what? Didn't "uncle Jake" just die?

It was a bit difficult keeping track of the characters at the beginning. Good.

Mary McKevett (Level 2)

This horror short has a good twist at the end when we realise the child, Kaylie, has special powers. What she draws in the picture actually happens to Uncle Jake. Perhaps Kaylie has psychic powers or can actually will bad things to people she doesn't like.

There are a lot of characters here. Paul comes across as an individual as he's described in the first paragraph. Some of the others don't have any individual characteristics so they're difficult to picture. Perhaps the number of characters could be reduced if they have no distinct role to play. It would be useful to see Uncle Jake at the beginning and get to know him as a character. Then his gorey death will have a greater inpact.

The meaning wasn't clear in Paul's speech at end of p.1 and Kaylie's on the last page. Best avoid bad language and adult content as they limit an audience size.

Matt Jejna (Level 3)

-"He has model like". Hyphen between model and like. Sorry. Grammar nazi, I know.

-"She pout". I think you meant she pout+s.

-Who's Cutter? He/she appeared quite randomly.

-"Your uncle Jake’s". Uncle should be capitalized.

-The story was pretty meh. Looking back, what was the point of Paul's description. Did it really matter that he had model-like features? It was never really vital to the plot. Also, who was Cutter? The character had no description and one line of dialog. I'm guessing it was supposed to be another character or something.

Matthew Fettig (Level 4)

Title - I think this might have worked better as "The Bear Truth"

I think somewhere in here there might be an interesting story. You have a good bit of action and things move along at a good pace which is all good.

The problem I have is that I don't really understand what's going on. The set-up is that something is going to be done to surprise Gina. You say that Kaylie is in on the gag but Paul's guess at what she is drawing makes that whole concept come across as unplanned, so there must be something else that is part of the gag.

Next we have someone named Cutter (is this Paul?) asking Andy to get props from the basement. Andy never comes back. Then Uncle Ned shows up with a pencil stuck in his eye. So I guess that's what's supposed to be the gag that gets Gina, but the only reaction from Gina is to tell Megan not to guess what Kaylie is drawing. That reaction just doesn't fit at all.

Some other things that don't seem to fit - Paul gets firewood in the opening scene, then later Megan (who has just come home) says that Uncle Jake is gathering firewood. How would she know and why would he be gathering firewood if Paul already brought it in?

Finally, the ending is just too bizarre to figure out. I don't understand Kaylie's comments at all.

On your writing, there are some descriptions that don't seem to offer much or have significance - model like (I think you mean model-like) features, walks humbly, ready to party... I don't get a good visual of what you intend, nor do they seem to be relevant to the story.

Page 2 - She turns and smiles innocently - who does? She is taken aback - who is?

Megan sees Gina’s sense of urgency - how?
The bear lifts a circular object from the ground - How do we see this when we are still apparently still in the living room?

Some other things we can't see: "Skepticism mounting", "Her mind boggled", "Gina is horrified", "Megan is perplexed", "Megan is suddenly mortified"

This is probably much more clear in your head, but it's too confusing to easily follow.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

The writing is just okay. How does one walk humbly? The story idea is okay, but I've read/seen it a hundred times. If the subject of this story is what I think it is, and Uncle Jake did what I think he did, then I'm not too sure Paul's reaction would be to smirk. I don't know. It's not bad, I guess, but I'd say it needs a rewrite and the action lines need to lose all the 'ly's.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 4)

This story went way over my head. It's basically confusing on all levels. I don't get who's playing jokes on who or why the end isn't horrifying to everyone and why nobody is protecting that kid and where all the people 'who scramble' suddenly come from.

This is, it's not written bad, it's just written confusingly. Perhaps you have it all in your mind and you visualise it, but you can't put it on paper well.

Maybe this needs another look from you, see how you could convey the images better. Also, reduce the ammount of characters, make it more streamlined.

I love the quessing about the painting though, really nice trick.
Don't know how anyone could overlook a humanhead in a claw though.
By the way, if the title is supposed to be a joke, shouldn't it be "The Bear truth"?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm not sure I grasped this all in the end. I don't understand what Kaylie's last line of dialogue means and I think the story is hinged to that. I apologize if it turns out I am the only reviewer who didn't understand this all.

There might be too many characters throughout and/or talked about. Who's Cutter?

Your screenwriting is a little bulky in spots, e.g.: On page one, you take three lines to tell us Paul takes out a few bags of chips.

Formatting overall is in order.

There are a few minor typos throughout.

You have two extra blank pages at the end.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

You're script seems to be formatted wrong, each page starts a little bit further down from the top that it should. You've got four pages and one slug INT Cabin. You need some more slug lines to see where people are as they enter and exit.

When the bear is outside, there should be a slug showing that.

The story starts off cute, with Kaylie drawing and Paul trying to guess what it was, but then veers off into something really strange. I just didn't get it.

Not sure what Kaylie meant about Papa Bear's bed at the end. I don't know why Paul wanted to freak Gina out. What was the point? And then at the end we hear of Uncle Jake and the bear. Then the bear is at the window with Jake's head. It was too far fetched imho.

While I think you brought the picture aspect into this assignment well, I just didn't enjoy the story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Seems like a good idea, but the story's a little jumbled up.

First of all, the set-up's a little weird. Paul's "gonna fuck with Gina", so he creates a scenario where his daughter Kaylie is supposedly on a mood stabilizer because she flies off the handle if someone doesn't like her drawing? What kind of game is that? So Ned bursts out of another room with a pencil stuck in his eye...and Gina falls for it? How gullible is Gina? And what a lot of trouble for a silly game.

Secondly, you have some mysterious characters. Who is Cutter? What happened to Andy? And who's Uncle Jake? These people just seem to appear and disappear for no apparent reason.

Then, on to the main story, which doesn't start until the middle of Page 4. There's really a dead guy, and Kaylie somehow knows about it before anyone else does, in fact, before there's any way that she could possibly know about it. She knows things through her drawing. Spooky. But, I don't get it. And she also (apparently) has some kind of mental communication with this grizzly bear. How? Why? And what's the reference to Goldilocks all about? And why does Paul have to "stop himself from smirking"?

There are some spooky things here, but that's all they are -- things. Not really much story.

My score: FAIR.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I had a couple of problems with this one.

1) It was difficult to keep track of who was who - just too many characters and even someone called Cutter who wasn't even introduced.

2) This started off as a light-hearted comedy and turned into horror and then back to comedy at the end. It wasn't a smooth or good mix. Why would Paul be smirking when a relative has just been decapitated by a bear and his head thrown at the window of the cabin he is in?

Other than that, the writing was ok and it was a decent idea if you had kept the tone and genre consistent throughout. In a rewrite I would like you to make the choice of having this as a disturbing horror or light-hearted comedy.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This: "I’m gonna fuck with Gina. Yeah. Yeah, my daughter Kaylie’s in on it" sounds to me like very poor word choice in front of a six year old kid.

Where was Andy? I thought you'd had introduced all the people in the room. Who is Cutter?

Mood stabilizer?

"Skepticism mounting, Gina scowls at him, then glances over at Kaylie. She turns and smiles innocently." Who's "She," Gina or Kayle?

Kayle seems to glre with contempt a lot.

Ned comes with a pencil in his eye. Gina screams. Megan enters. Gina forgets about Ned's eye and goes to wishper to Megan? I don't find that realistic.

Well. I've read to the end twice, and all I can say is that this doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

You have a truckload of people coming to a cabin for a reason that you don't explain. You introduce just some of them. You present a very unusual situation to turn it into a very bizarre scene to turn it into an even weirder one -- that is what I get.

I seriously suggest that you reconsider the story.

While I contemplate the idea that you may be trying some surrealistic here, I think your story would be much more solid if you'd limit the generes you have fussed.

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help than that, but to be able to tell you anything else, I should know what I'm reading.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 3)

Um, WTF? This is the weirdest script I've read on here and it literally makes zero sense to me. I couldn't even begin to tell you what is happening here. Is this supposed to be a joke or a serious entry? I'm not sure what to make of this.

Who the hell is Ned? Cutter? What happened to Andy? Where did Jake come from? WTF is up with the bear and the girl? I'm sorry but this is ludicrous, not to mention the formatting is completely off. You only have a couple of words of dialogue per line, why? What did you use to write this? Why are there two blank pages at the end of the script? Looking forward to an explanation on this one.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I don't see a need to make this cabin upscale and why Paul has to look like a model. Paul's looks don't effect the story. It's taboo to make someone beautiful and then their beauty has nothing to do with the story. Paul's name changes to Cutter at one moment. The page one transitions hinder the story because you go from Paul talking to Kaylie, then all of a sudden he's grabbing chips from a cabinet (did he enter another room?) and he's talking to a character that we didn't know was in the room. On page four, a new character arrives, Uncle Jake, that we never heard of. Perhaps it would be better for that to be Andy, since we've already been introduced to him; instead of getting costumes, he's sent out for firewood. Having more people show up doesn't enhance the humor. You have plenty of characters already, so leave the other party goers out of the picture. What Kaylie says at the end and Paul's smirk totally confuses me; it seemed to end abruptly. The premise of a girl drawing a picture of a future event, although not original, could make for a compelling, exciting story. The execution for this didn't pull me in.

William Bienes (Moderator)

Sorry, but I didn't get this the first reading -- the picture and adults trying to guess at it with Paul doing what to Gina? The pulling her leg doesn't come across in the first read, but did the second time. I don't think the joke which goes on for the first two-plus pages plays well with the bear drawing. It confuses rather than adding to the script.

I think it could be clearer and with a bit more continuity -- is Kaylie a powerful child? Does she see the future or create it?

If Kaylie is some sort of supernatural individual, there needs to be foreshadowing or something that would hint at that power. Does she draw what's happening? What's about to happen? Or does what she draw happen?

If you were to forget the "joke" part of the script and go with the supernatural, I think you could have a Twilight Zone, "It's a Good Life"-like script which would be fantastic.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 10:24 AM

Just to save face, a lot of people wondered who "Cutter" was. It was a mistake. Cutter was actually supposed to be Paul. I proofread this ten times and still didn't catch that? Lesson learned; you can never proof read and correct too much I guess.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2010 5:19 PM

I thought it was just a Halloween prank and Kaylie was just in on the joke Paul planned. So it wasn't huh? It's another slasher and her uncle was truly murdered?

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2010 8:31 PM

Yes, Khamanna, I'm sorry to say, another slasher. I keep wanting to be more versatile, and then my gory desire to want to shock people comes to life, but I think it's getting old, and my reviews aren't getting any better. For this month, nobody will know which one is mine....'course I say that now. I'm still learning and I think I try too hard to throw in catch phrases, hidden imagery and instead of influencing readers to think outside the box, I think I expect them to throw away the box and see another box that just isn't there.