Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I guess he'll get his bed in jail? There really isn't a co-relation between the kid's wish and what happens at the end. Maybe if she gave him something that the cops mistook for a weapon? There needs to be something that ties it all toguether, otherwise it's just a random series of events in this guy's day.

Barry Katz (Level 3)

I really enjoyed this one! The ending totally took me by surprise, giving the story a bit of a twist. When the hobo first pulled out a switchblade, I really wondered what he'd do with it. As it turns out, the little girl's contribution DID help him find a bed for the evening. Not so sure a prison cell is all that great, but hey... it's a bed! When using a number for an age, you may want to consider using a comma like this: "early 30's." It looks a little cleaner that way. Overall though, great effort and best of luck!

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I see where you are trying to go with this; however, it feels all too convenient for the Hobo. He didn't actually do anything wrong, so for him to smile about being arrested so he can have a place to sleep (jail) doesn't work for me. Had he tried to hold up the burger joint or something, then I would understand it more. Also, as far as logistics, they would never serve a walk-up passenger at the drive-up window, and why wouldn't he just go inside?

The idea here is cool and full of potential. The idea that someone would willingly be arrested so they have a bed and a roof overhead is fascinating, and probably true in many cases. The way you went about telling this story, however, didn't really reach the potential of that vision. This is GOOD, but it has a lot of up side.

PS - using the word Hobo was odd. Hobo strikes a comedic note for me, maybe I'm the only one, but Hobo feels rather cartoonish. I suggest using Homeless Man in a dramatic toned piece like this.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This is paced pretty well, but there's a little bit of passive writing here. Eliminate the word "is" from your descriptions completely.

The story didn't entirely work for me. I get what you were going for, but I felt like it lacked credibility. Why would a cop just drive up and start bothering a hobo eating a burger? And why would he then take the hobo in to custody? What crime did he commit? If anything, the cop might have took his knife away but I doubt any city cop would be cruel enough to leave a homeless man defenseless.

Basically, I get that you wanted the change from the girl to end up getting him a room in the jail for the night, but I think they way you went about that happening could have been done in a slightly more believable manner.

Nice effort! Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title makes no grammatical sense to me.
Nor did it seem to have any relevance to the story.

"The majority of his earnings." - you don't need to waste space telling us this.

This had two halves and they were not noticeably related to each other. Really, you CAN'T afford to do this in a one-pager.

It would have been better if you hadn't introduced the superfluous little girl and mother.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Huh?

Not sure I get this. What does the child have to do with it? Why have her in the story. I really thought you were going to tie it all together with the penny she gave him, but when that doesn't happen it just seems like fluff.

Overall the writing is solid, but think you should re-think the stoyline.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I hope that title isn't a typo, because I like it.

Man that was rushed. Why did the cops arrest him? I think this knowledge would've helped the story.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this story a lot.

I didn't know where it was going and the ending was perfect. I was afraid at the beginning that the story was going to be super-sweet, but you managed to give it an arc without getting too light or too dark.

My only complaint, while I like the title as a title in general, I don't think it really fits your story here too well.

But that is a small complaint for a great script. Well done.

Colin Searle (Level 2)

When the hobo buys the burger it is DAY, and when he eats it it is NIGHT, what has he been doing between times? Surely if he is very hungry (and I assume he is) he would have eaten the burger right away.

I don't think he would have cut it in half either, I have never had the urge to cut a burger in half before eating it. I would think that him cutting it in half with the switchblade was a ploy to get arrested (and a bed for the night), but when the cop arrives, the script says that the hobo is STARTLED, thus making this idea redundant.

Sorry if I am mis-understanding your meaning. I realise that the hobo may never have had a plan to get arrested, and that his smile at the end could just an appreciation of lucky fate.

Sorry I could not be more positive, but I found the story a little thin on character.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This is close to "an entire story" in page, if you include the implied backstory. And it does have a protagonist that you can care about. The dialogue seemed a little on-the-nose but not bad. A good-natured story and that counts for a lot as far as I'm concerned.

I didn't see any glaring spelling, grammar or formatting errors. After a second reading this one grew on me.

I gave you a rating of "Very Good". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

some of the dialog could have been a little stronger...for instance, when the mother says, "never give them money!"...if she tugs the little girl away, then she's already (in essence) saying that...what you might want to have her say is something a little less "on the nose"...like, "it'll just encourage them!"...something a little condescending...it's okay for kids to speak in a straightforward manner, but adults should speak indirectly...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A nice little story. Importantly, a STORY. Hard to do in one page but you pulled it off well. I might complain a tad about what I think is a bit too many words in the action lines, but that would be a minor complaint.

I was afraid this was going to be another “pay-it-forward” story but I like how your script worked. Not too sure about the title but I guess I can see how it works.

Very good job, writer.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I really liked it, but it is hard to tie it all together, the little girl, the restaraunt and then the cop car. Was it a ploy to get a place to sleep?
Even though I thought it a little confusing, I am giving it a very good, because it read well and was written well.

Ester Ch (Level 2)

This is a nice sarcastic short story.
An alternative ending could be that on his way to buying food,
he accidentally drops his penny,
then when he goes chasing after the penny,
he finds a sofa bed that someone left on the street.
I see people leaving furniture on street quite often,
so it wouldn't be impossible.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent story. Here are a couple of comments.

Referring to the six-year old girl as LITTLE seemed redundant. Why not just call her GIRL? (Or give her a name.)

Try to rewrite sentences that have the words IS or ARE in them to make your writing more active. Example: “The Hobo is handcuffed in the backseat. He lies down on the leather seat and…” Consider instead: “The hobo, handcuffed in the backseat, lies down on the leather seat and…”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A perfect screenplay in every way. Good characters who are utterly believable in their actions. I liked the mother pulling the more compassionate and trusting daughter away from the hobo. And the twist at the end was very clever and not at all obvious as the story progressed.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Sorry to say, I have no idea what your story is about. Feels like pieces of events stitched together without a feeling for unity. A little girl gave money to a hobo, who bought a burger, and then the police caught him.

I would suggest you to really flesh out the characters: Who are they? Why are they in the story? What's the purpose of each role within your story? What do they want?

The beginning and middle is okay. It's just the ending with the police and the hobo grinning in the car took me way out of the story. It left me confused. What did the Hobo do? Why was he grinning?

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The title is interesting. I kept saying it to try to figure it out. At first I thought it was a mistake. But I guess I am reading it as intended now. So, it is a little awkward but good because it is different. However, it doesn't seem to quite fit the story because the story is more comical and the title more dark.

I boil the story down to a hobo likes to be arrested because he will get a better bed for the night. The first half of a page sets up that he sleeps in an alleyway. I don't think any other part of it forwards the story at all. So, I think you could remove all of it and replace with description of his ramshackle box and blankets. Then you would have more space to develop how he gets himself arrested.

I see signs at the drive through saying they don't serve people out of a car. It might be a funny scene to show that argument go down.

I didn't find the arrest scene believable. He wouldn't need a switchblade to break a hamburger in half. I don't see a cop arresting the hobo eating a hamburger. There is no evidence the hobo is threatening anyone with the switchblade.

I like the idea of the story. I think that some udpates could get you to that pay off in a different fashion.

James McConnell (Level 3)

This story would have been better if the hobo intentionally got himself arrested in order to get food and shelter.

A few things didn't make sense for me:

1. What was the point of the first scene? Did that penny give him enough to buy the meal? What if he had 98 cents and just needed the penny for a 99 cent meal?

2. Who walks up to a drive thru and orders there? Why not walk inside where it is heated or cooled?

3. He empties the tin can at the pay window yet he pulls more money out. It's not just the majority of his earnings but all of it.

4. If he's so hungry why take the time to cut the burger in half? Why not devour it there and then. It seems like it was merely a device so that the cop would arrest him.

5. Why did the cop confront him in the first place? He's just sitting on a street eating - nothing illegal. I also think a cop wouldn't react in that way to a blade.

This was a really nice idea but needs tightened.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

It was well paced and written but some of the happenings seemed unlikely, which robbed it of it's realism and connection. I don't really understand the title as it was all set in the day.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Cool little vignette, but it really doesn’t have much of a story to it. I don’t exactly get how the girl’s penny and his backseat hotel room come together. Things like this happen on a daily basis, so what’s the big picture? It’s probably only me seeing it this way, but I would like to know.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think that the little girl giving him money did not pay off. If she gave him the switchblade it would. I know you wanted to show how hateful some people might be - the girl's mother doesn't let her give him money. And I know that the girls wish worked but it's still not enough. She could give him a toy switchblade and it would work for me. -just an opinion.

Also, I think it could have happened long ago, but now there are strict laws that protect poor homeless people. maybe I'm mistaken on this account though (but I sincerely hoping I'm not).
I was also worried about the other half of the sandwich which he didn't have time to get to.
Good short I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Lots of heart in this story. The Hobo's encounter with the Little Girl is touching. The Mother's wariness provides good contrast, as do the impatient drivers honking their horns at the "Fast-Food Drive-Thru."
Was concerned the misunderstanding with the cop was going to cause the Hobo's demise. When the Hobo is lying "handcuffed in the backseat...he...grins," which seems to suggest his arrest was part of a plan. Perhaps simply shutting his eyes would work better leaving the interpretation up to the reader/audience. The Hobo may be a victim of circumstance more than he conducts his life with specific purpose.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title felt way too poetic and nonsensical for the story.

Would the drive-thru window really serve a Hobo without a car?

The cops squealing to a halt in order to arrest the Hobo... well, that felt too convenient.

Lori Othouse (Level 2)

I like how in the end, the hobo and the little girl both got what they wanted, and her penny, indirectly, helped him to get a bed for the night.

It seemed kind of strange that the cop would pull over and point a gun at him for just sitting by himself with a switchblade. Maybe if he was near some other people where he looked like more of a threat... But maybe being a hobo makes him suspicious enough. I don't know the protocol in that situation. Nice conclusion, though. It solved the main character's problem in a satisfying way, at least for him.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love the title. Very poetic.

Oh, you! The term "hobo" is so not PC these days! ;~P

This is a really fun story. I don't know why, but it gave me a good chuckle. It's complete in one page. It's clever. It's well-executed, too.

Nicely done.

Very good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

It was good how many story beats you managed to fit into one page, and I really liked the ending. You managed to surprise me several times, and end hopefully, which was nice.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I think I understood it... it was all part of the hobo's plan to get "a bed". Cool idea.

The timing of the cop showing up, the missunderstanding, and the sudden arrest seemed a bit unbelievable though, making the hobo's plan a bit contrieved.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I don't understand the title.

I'm not sure how deep to go analyzing this. The story certainly has a great deal of reality to it, form the innocence of the child, the mom pulling her away, and the street person working the system to get a warm place to sleep. But I have a problem with a hobo who is so hungry and he uses a switchblade to cut a burger. I don't buy it, unless it was set-up that he wielded the knife in such a way to get the attention of the approaching police. Then I think you have a more interesting piece.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Well, I'm not sure about this one. I'm not sure if you intended for us to think the hobo planned his evening, or the result was simply a matter of consequence. If he planned it, why would he be startled when the cop car shows up? He'd be expecting it. So. I'm not sure.

It's well written. The dialogue is good. It's slightly sweet.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Little too smart for a 6year-old not really convinced she would be so happy with the world. Structure is also a little weird, who cuts a burger with a switchblade? Why would the cops be so aggressive? Things don't really add up.

I also don't like the constant shift of focus. You introduce a girl, but you don't bring her back. In a one-pager you should be more careful with your characters, you only got a minute to focus on things. What would change if it started at the window, him dumping the money. Would it really be all that different?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm not quite sure I get this one or people's motivation in this story, especially the Cop appearing out of nowhere acting like a madman.

I guess "The Hobo," as you call him, is happy to be spending the night in the jail where he'll get a bed and food?

I don't know how your title refers to the story and it doesn't appear to be grammatically correct.

Your screenwriting is fine, maybe a little bulky in spots, but I understand this is only one page. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I thought this was going to go some place else. Like the little girl did something nice so the Hobo returns the favor. But it doesn;t Just ends. I get it but just didn;t end like I thought it would.

good luck to you this month.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Kind of stilted language -- felt a bit like going from point A, to point B, to point C, with not much in the way of mood or dramatic pause. I never seen anyone cut a hamburger in half with a knife, so that didn't ring true, but the ending was fairly strong -- the best part of the story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good short, showing the life of a hobo on the streets. Evidently he wanted a better sleeping place for the night, and figured a jail cell much better than the streets.

I think you need more than this though. I found it hard to believe that the cop would arrest him if he's just cutting his burger. Maybe he would, because of the nature of the weapon, but it seemed forced, and just too easy for the hobo. Also why would he not just do something illegal to get arrested, if that is what he wanted?

The title is strong, but I don't know how it pertains to the story.

Good work, though. I enjoyed the images, and the kindness of the little girl.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

So he gets a place to sleep by getting arrested. Fair enough, but he already had the switchblade so he could have done what he did without the little girl's help.

Writing was good and well done for making it a full story in a page but the logic of the story fails for me.

Taylor Roberts (Level 2)

Excellent! I really liked how tight the story was and how there wasn't anything superfluous to the story. I like how you established the characters' need and resolved the conflict in the way that you did. The only thing I don't quite understand is your decision to not give the Hobo a name and just call him The Hobo. Perhaps an effort to make the character more universal? If that's the case, that's fine, it was just one of the things I was wondering after I finished reading your story. Anyways, well done.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Your entry actually tells a story, which is more than most entrants can say this months.

There are only two things that I think could be worked a bit better, although one of them could stay as is.

This last one is the realation between the penny and the fate of the hobo. Maybe there's none. Maybe your point was just that her wish gets granted -- and, for the looks of it, to the advantage and benefit, judging by his grinning.

The other issues is that the story feels a bit rushed.
Yes, I know it is just one page, and I think you've done a great job. But locally, I have a suggestion. You could win some lines -three or maybe four, by eliminating:
"Her MOTHER, 30s, tugs her forward.
MOTHER
Never give them money!"
You could do a reference to the mother being around, so that nobody blames you for leaving the girl unatended, and use that space to make the rest more flowy.

Just a thought.

Good luck.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Ok so the hobo wanted to get arrested so he could have a place to sleep or something? I'm assuming thats what this story is about. The drive of the main character is foggy. Formatting is solid

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I thought this one was really good. The cop's reaction was probably a bit over the top though considering the guy was a hobo, but other than that this one worked really well. Great job.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The title is really odd. It doesn't make sense to me grammatically. Not gonna mark down because of it... just need to mention it.

The writing here is really good. Sadly, the ending made little sense to me.

If he'd intended to be arrested to have a place to stay... then isn't it a bit of a coincidence that the cop car pulls up right then? So the ending doesn't really work for me.

But overall, I have to give this a very good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Sorry, but the moment the cop drew his weapon because he saw a homeless dude holding a knife totally ruined this story. This is a really cute and sweet story, but that one moment literally threw me out of the script and just made everything before and after that much worse. There gotta be an easier way for him to get arrested, the way it is now it's just painfully contrived.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I hope reviewers take their time with this one and try to let it sink in, because there is more here than one may get right away. I think it's only fair to picture what these stories would look like on a screen; if a director tried to bring out the emotional tone and not just gloss over it and present it as a cute story. I really like the fact that the little girl's penny ended up buying the hobo a bed. Some people need to have the story beaten over their head, and won't appreciate this as they should, but claiming ignorance is getting old. This is a great story.

Will Pepper (Level 2)

Chris Rock once said that if you live in an old project, a new prison doesn't seem that bad. The story does indeed take the reader from no bed to bed, though it does not have the fullness that one would hope for in a script. My only real complaint is the title and it seems that it (the title) was chosen at random.

Comments Made After the Contest

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 12:27 AM

Excellent job, Matt - loved this one.

Matt Johnson (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2010 4:20 PM

Thanks Wes, as well as everyone who took the time to review it.
I'll do my best to explain this one:
-It wasn't intended to be Curly Sue. Was never meant to be cute or funny. But eh, whatever I'm thinking doesn't mean it's what your thinking. It's my job to synch the two.
-The point of each scene is to show that this man: The Hobo, is constantly looked down upon; and crapped on no matter the situation. This is his day.
-The bum didn't use the knife knowing he would get arrested. It was another situation of wrong place, wrong time.
-The point of the girls penny was that it is what "buys" the bed. Some of you caught that.
-The title maybe more appropriate for a feature I bet. But it's supposed to mean that this man has no place to go, no bed to sleep in, no one to love him.

Anyway, a lot of people didn't understand it so that's what I was trying to get across. Oh, well. There are plenty of other months.