Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I like the idea of a super hero with girl problems, although it has been done before.

I didn't understand the rules of your world though. Was Flash Tim always a super hero, or was he a normal person during the day and hero at night?

Andrew L. Blair (Level 2)

I really liked the concept of the superhero being a bumbling teenager afraid to ask a girl out on a date. Flash Tim (not so sure about that name) knocking over the lockers was a funny image, though I think you could find a more descriptive way to convey that scene to the reader. My one issue is the conflict of the script; why would Flash Tim be so nervous if Sarah already liked him? Is he so nervous and lacking in self-esteem that he can't even imagine a girl liking him? If that's the case, the script makes more sense, but then I find the character of Flash Tim a bit less interesting. If Sarah didn't like Flash Tim, then I would have identified and appreciated Flash Tim's mirror speech much more. Overall, though, I liked the idea. Good job!

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm really struggling with this one. I'm thinking this is FAIR because I don't really see the point. I get that he's a superhero and at the same time has a severe lack of confidence with the ladies. I understand the girl likes him, but I start to doubt that she likes him; instead, she likes the superhero. I guess my main concern is this feels a bit cliche - especially on the tails of "KICK ASS".

There really isn't any conflict here. Flash Tim has nothing on the line, in fact, he doesn't put himself out there. He was going to wuss out except she asked him. I didn't sense any depth to the characters, nor any depth or subtext to the story. Sorry, this is just FAIR.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well.

The story was very simple, but I suppose with a 1 page script, it's difficult to get very complex.

The line about the lockers is worded strangely. Perhaps rewrite it to better clarify what is going on there.

Overall, this script was well done, but the story really didn't float my boat, probably because it's just so basic... Boy likes girl but is scared to make the first move, girl approaches boy instead. It's a story we've all seen hundreds of times before. Him being a superhero gives it something unique, but not enough to make me forget that the core story isn't very original.

Nice job!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Sarah walks past Flash Tim as he rushes to his locker making him lose his focus and knocks them loose. Uh? What does this mean?

It's quite sweet as a story, but I think it's too much for a one-pager - that's to say, we need more time to delve into the characters and motives, I feel, to give this real impact.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This started off really cool, love the kid super hero afraid to ask the girl out angle. But when she recognizes him as Flash Tim it kind of blows the whole thing.

I think this is suited for a much longer piece, there is way too much going on here to squeeze it down to a one-pager.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ahh cute. Wait that's the third review in a row that I've started my review with 'Ahh cute'.
I would totally steal his girlfriend.

Nice short, kind like meat in my appetizer, but it was well written.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think this is a great idea - a teen super hero afraid of nothing - is actually scared to ask the girl he likes out.

But, I think it's a tough story to do well in just one page. If you expand this though, I think it could be really great.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This isn't really "an entire story" unless the story is "Barbie Meets a Superhero". There's also no hint of a backstory either. It's seems really shallow almost like a teen TV show. The story is shallow but you tell it visually and you choose your words well. In my opinion you just needed more of a story.

No obvious spelling or grammar errors. It wasn't a huge deal but I don't think the first scene was formatted correctly, at least it was confusing to me. In my opinion you didn't really leave the scene, you just focused on the TV. "BACK TO SCENE" made me do a double-take; I thought I had missed a flashback at first. It might just be me and I didn't take any points off for it.

I gave this a rating of "Good". Thank you.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

This had the basic beginning-middle-end structure in place but the line-by-line writing felt choppy and didn't really flow. I had to read the script a couple of times to figure out exacty what was going on, but when I did it was a pretty good story. The paragraph that starts "Sarah walks past Flash Tim..." was very hard to track.

David Birch (Level 5)

try to avoid "run-on" sentences..."FLASH TIM, lanky teen in a black cape with a bolt of lightening on the chest of his yellow and black tights with a black eye mask, heads toward a REPORTER, 30s....WOW...i count 31 words (2 1/2 lines)...let's see, how 'bout...FLASH TIM, lanky teen in black and gold tights, heads toward a REPORTER, 30's. He adjusts his mask. Straightens his cape....something like that to break up a sentence that reads with the speed of an arctic glacier...the story comes real close to a "body-double" of "kick-ass"...need to come up with a different twist to stop the comparisons...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Got a bit confused on this one on the first read so looked at it several times.

I think it’s still a bit confusing though I believe I understand what the writer was trying to do. Some technical things really stopped me. The “ … lose his focus and knocks them loose.” Line really threw me. What “them” was knocked loose? Oh, now I get it. Knocked loose the lockers.

Maybe a rewrite of the action would make it more understandable. We always want to be careful using pronouns to make sure the reader knows what the root noun is.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I like the build up to his bravery set against the fact that he is actually a coward. That was an interesting character flaw for this story.
I think it works pretty good.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I'm fascinated by the recipe you have here but, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed at how things turned out. It just seemed so...easy. The awkward crusader unable to approach the pretty girl...and all the tension seemed to bleed away when she guessed his identity. Just seems like something more should have happened after such a great setup.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The idea of a protagonist who is a wimp AND a hunk reminded me too much of Spiderman and Superman to be considered original. Here are a few notes.

Try to rewrite sentences that have the words IS or ARE in them to make your writing more active. Example: “Flash Tim stares into the mirror wearing regular clothes without his eye mask revealing one singed eyebrow. Consider instead: “Flash Tim wears regular clothes without his eye mask. He stares into the mirror and studies his singed eyebrow.”

Be careful with pronouns. Example: “Sarah walks past Flash Tim as he rushes to his locker making him lose his focus and knocks them loose.” In the next sentence we find out that “them” is the lockers but before we read that sentence, it is impossible to know what Tim is knocking loose.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I very much liked the set up of a teenage super hero suffering with dating anxiety. This underlying theme has great potential. What I didn't like was the lack of any significant conflict or drama between the two lead characters. The best part for me was the singed eye brow in the mirror which struck me as unexpectedly funny.

Georgia Buchert (Level 2)

The singed eyebrow is such a sweet touch. It seems to kind of sum up where this superhero kid's at in life—he's on his way, but he still has a lot of endearingly awkward ground ahead of him to cover. Your fun story's got lots of potential for expansion—this is a delightful vignette and could make a pretty good teaser for a longer film.

The action that takes place by the lockers wants to be a little clearer and more visually descriptive, especially "making him lose his focus and knocks them loose."

I'd be interested to see more of these young lovebirds. Good fun.

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

Wonderful! Great characters and story, especially for such a short space allowed this time. It's a really cute story. I like the use of locations - changing between Sarah watching the TV and Flash Tim being interviewed on TV, then the twist that they know each other. Oh, and great detail "S heart FT" on the notebook.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I wish you can just focus on one element in a one pager short. Right now there are two plot lines: the romantic relationship between Sarah and Tim, and the superhero Flash Tim. Because there is not enough space, both felt underdeveloped.

The altered ego Flash Tim is absolutely not needed here. Whether he is a superhero or not, his goal is still to get the girl. Flash Tim is more like a character trait than a true character, so it adds relatively nothing to the overall story.

Sarah asking Tim to go out is just too easy for Tim. There is no conflict at all. I'd suggest you get rid of the superhero side story, and shows us how Tim asks Sarah out face to face.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I liked your story.

Should you expand the slugline boy's bathroom to note it is at school, i thought he was at home until the bell rang

When he says no and still no, is he pretending to be her or is he dismissing his own attempt? The first no worked but the still no seemed odd. I would take that out and just have him say he hates his coward nerves.

At my high school, the lockers were in the walls, so one couldn't knock them loose. This set up for him showing who he was is good because it shows him being awkward but I couldn't picture it because I can't see it happening to lockers. My opinion would be to find something else for him to do here.

I suggest after she says his name, he then sees her book with the heart which then gives him the courage to ask her and she is the one that cuts him off and says i would love to. The title is a question for sarah so I would like to see him ask the question rather than the other way around. I like all these elements, just suggesting a bit of rearrangement of them.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I'm not sure what to make of your screenplay. It was interesting to see how somebody with great super powers can be socially awkward.

The problem is I felt you were trying to squeeze too much into one page. For example, what is the relationship between Sarah and Tim? Had then know each other for years but Tim could never quite summon the guts to ask her out? And surely somebody world famous as Tim would have other Girls hitting on him constantly.

As as side note: When Flash Tim is talking into the mirror, it wasn't immediately obvious from your writing that he was rehearsing asking somebody out.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I like these romantic stories. The best part was talking to himself in the bathroom. "you, me, saturday night. no." - this was very funny. That's what romantic stories should have - its characters - otherwise they all are predictable, there's no way around them. And he is a fun character. I wish it was all about him. I wish we did not see Sara at the beginning at all and saw more of Tim.
Liked it!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A cute Superman and Lois Lane story idea.
Thought that Sarah should have her reaction, "sighs," while staring at the tv, revealing her crush right away rather than lines later. Pretty sure that Flash Tim's conversation with himself in the mirror is him asking Sarah out, but might want to clarify it more. Bit hard to believe, without an earlier hint, that Sarah could figure out his identity in the hallway. Some confusion with the description of what happens at the lockers; seems Flash Tim bumps into them and "knocks them loose," causing Sarah to notice him when he "pulls (them) back to the wall."
Hard to cover two locations in one page. Maybe the fire takes place in Sarah's neighborhood before school and, on her way out, she catches Flash Tim changing clothes in her backyard. Just an idea...

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Sarah looks like Barbie? I don't know how to interpret this. Does that include Barbie's ridiculous bosom, or just her face? Be more specific on your characterizations, please.

I don't really understand Flash Tim, either. Is he a superhero on TV, or a kid at school? Or both? An actor, what? Did we enter Sarah's fantasies somewhere, where she's pining after someone on TV? A little confusing, overall.

The title doesn't really get at the heart of the story, I don't think. From what I can tell, I think Sarah's the main character, so the title should really be from her point of view, not from Tim's.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is cute. It's well-written and well-paced. You conveyed a lot using visuals instead of dialogue, and I like that.

I like your characters. The dialogue is used to good effect. I appreciated the fact that your news reporter's dialogue sounds just the way it should, alliterations and all. I think you should specify a gender, though. It would help with visualization.

The only other change I'd suggest would be in your INT. BOY'S BATHROOM - DAY scene heading. I visualized a boy standing in his home bathroom. Try INT. SCHOOL BOYS' ROOM - DAY or something similar. Just get the SCHOOL in there...

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was a nice story.

I'm not sure what the superhero angle added to it, but it was interesting to see someone who physically was so strong having trouble with this kind of thing, although the area has been covered by comic books in the past.

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This was cute, but the resolution felt a bit rushed. I think that this story may be a bit too big for one page.

Notice that you've got three character introductions (the girl, the superhero, and his alter ego). That's a lot of set-up for a one minute film.

The concept has potential though, and I think it could be a fun 5 pager.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

A nice twist on the Superman/Clark Kent idea. Still, needs a bit of work.

I stumbled over some of the writing. "lanky teen in a black cape with a bolt of lighting
on the chest of his yellow and black tights with a black eye
mask" is a mouthful and could be condensed. Also, if the reporter is there, I don't think it's a voice-over. "I hate my coward nerves."...I know what you're saying, but I don't think your character would say it.

Refine your idea and rewrite it. It's clever, it just needs some work.

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

There's not much to this one. It's a story, I suppose. The writing is not bad. The idea is cute. The problem, I think, is that there is no conflict (and not much tension). For example; we're told Sarah likes FT, so when FT asks her out we'd expect her to say 'Yes'. Which she does without hesitation. In fact, she's so eager she cuts him off. Zero conflict.

Needs work.

Patrick Rochel (Level 2)

cliffs notes for a much longer short. It felt like this was a five or six page short and the main points were pulled out ala cliffs notes. The writing seemed a bit ambiguous as at first I thought that Sarah was kind of blowing off the idea of Tim but in the end it couldn't be more obvious. I feel like this story demanded that we know way more about these people than was really allowed in the very brief alotment.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Okay, this is a really weird script. Reads more like the intropage to a bigger script. I don't really get the content. Is he in disguise normally? Did she 'guess' his identity, or is it obvious for everyone? I think this is some crucial information that you don't present in your script.

Next to that, I think you took a page out of 'Spiderman' with the hero being a shy guy, but that works there because he's got a big backstory. FlashTim comes out of nowhere and I don't get why he's a superhero at night, then a coward during the day. It's a character trait that seems unreasonable first glance.

Then we have Sarah. She sighs at the tv. Later context reveals that she's perhaps swooning? Is that what you meant? Because sighs implies more that she's fed up with the news and FlashTim. Then I get that you try to give some tone to her voice by writing "Me and m' girls", but it fails horribly. It sticks out so much that it ruins the tone.

Then there's the title. It just doesn't fit. The title implies more of a slow/comedy/drama type something, it doesn't have the superhero feeling. It doesn't cover the material and it's just plain bland.

Still, nice effort, you got format down, but I think you overshot with trying to put this in a one-page format.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Fun little story with a happy-ending. Perhaps if fleshed out longer, you can add to the conflict, which is lacking here and gets resolved very quickly.

Your screenwriting is good. Format appears in order overall. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Not bad, flows well, a couple characters you could like but it's more of a scene than a story. Pretty visual, except for one paragraph that is really hard to follow. "Sarah walks past Flash Tim as he rushes to his locker making him lose his focus and knocks them loose. He quickly pulls the lockers back to the wall." Huh?

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the concept. Girl is in love with a super hero. He's in love with her, but his shy 'real' self won't let him ask her out.

Because of the page limit, it's difficult to get across what you're trying to say. Flash Tim's description is a little confusing to me.

FLASH TIM, lanky teen in a black cape with a bolt of lighting
on the chest of his yellow and black tights with a black eye
mask, heads toward REPORTER, 30s.

If you read the above, it is sort of confusing. Maybe you missed the word shirt, after 'yellow'.

When Sarah sighs, does she sigh because she loves Flash Tim? I think so, but you have a whole space on that line there after 'Sarah sighs' where you could elaborate.

eg.
Sarah sighs, totally in love.

The locker part is a bit confusing as written. What you're saying is that his super human strength allows him to knock over the lockers and then put them back where they were, thus revealing to Sarah that he is Flash Tim.

But you've only got one page, so I know that is hard.

I like the name Flash Tim. It has a great ring to it.

It's a sweet story, with a cute ending.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I don't think there was enough of a story here. More needed to happen.

I'm not really sure who's story this is - Flash Tim's or Sarah's. You don't really set out who is the protagonist and the only real antagonism is Flash Tim's nerves. He doesn't overcome them and doesn't really try to.

Writing was fine in general but the story was a little lacking.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Cute & believable portrait of teen angst. Wouldn't a super-hero have a secret identity though?

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like applaud the courage you show when you forma the TV and back to scene, disregarding the lack of space left to write.

The story is cute, but I think that it needs more. I think it lacks conflict. They only one I can see is the characters fear to rejection -which it could be enough if there was more space to flesh the story or the characters's background, but there's none of that.

I have to point a sentence that threw me big time: "Sarah walks past Flash Tim as he rushes to his locker making him lose his focus and knocks them loose". What is "them" refers to? Sarah walks and FT rushes? I don't know. I think it could be better if split the sentence into smaller sentences.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I got the impression that his superhero identity was supposed to be a secret but if she knows who he is then this mustn't be the case. If he is a hero it's unlikely he would be that nervous or that he wouldn't have other girls asking him out all the time. I think it would work better if his identity was a secret to everyone, and also if he is the one to ask her out and thus overcome his nerves.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This opens pretty well, but then sort of falls apart in terms of dialogue and action.

The dialogue is odd ("I hate my coward nerves") ??

The action:

Sarah walks past Flash Tim as he rushes to his locker making him lose his focus and knocks them loose. He quickly pulls the lockers back to the wall.

That sounds... well... odd and hard to understand. Had to re-read it.

Overall, this doesn't feel like a full story (beginning/middle/end).

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

"I hate my coward nerves."

What!? Work on your dialogue. I don't care where they live, a teenager is never going to say something like that. This story was cute but extremely predictable. I was approximately seven steps ahead of this story at every turn. I don't really know why the character had to be a superhero, he could've been Joe Shmo and the story would be absolutely no different.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The word "sighs" can have different meanings so upon Sarah's introduction I didn't know if she were bored, frustrated or in love with Flash Tim. This is a cute story with a fun premise. I'm not excited about the title.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This story is complete and well written. Having said that, it didn't stand out for me but it didn't disappoint either.

Comments Made After the Contest