Comments Made During the Contest

Barry Katz (Level 3)

Decent effort on this one. I would have liked to have seen some dialogue, but you were still able to paint Cory's personality quite well, even without any dialogue. There's an honesty to this script that I find quite endearing. As a male, I know that I would have done exactly the same thing. It's funny how testosterone works. You've captured a cute story, one that could easily be produced. You may want to work on your formatting and structure a little bit, but overall, I commend you for entering a very difficult contest and wish you the best of luck!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I like the dual meaning of your title. It fits well with your story.

You don't have to tell us Heather is the girl of his dreams. Cory's wide eyes says it all.

Your story is cute and charming. I would just suggest cutting back on the insights into the characters.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Cute. It's a little far-fetched, but okay.
the writing style is a bit too passive. I felt like you were telling me this story rather than showing me. Some redundant descriptions (monsterously huge rollercoaster).

There isn't much of a story here. The play on the word attractions is well played, I like that a lot.
I think this is GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced superbly, but the story left me a little cold.

The impression is given that Cory spots Heather in line and it's love at first sight, as in the two of them don't know each other. Assuming that is the case, a 13 year old girl kissing a boy she doesn't know in front of all their friends in the middle of a carnival seemed a bit unbelievable to me. I guess I don't know many girls that age that are so aggressive and bold that they'd go kiss a stranger in public even if they thought he was cute. For those reasons, that didn't really work for me and since it's such a major plot point, it made the rest of the script seem less credible to me as well.

Nice effort. Write on!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like the pun of the title.

This was well-written but to me there could have been more conflict in there and some sort of a surprise. I like to be surprised and I'm sure I'm not alone. It was too easy to predict the ending.

You wasted quite a few words TELLING us stuff - "No way..." "She’s the girl of his dreams." "But it’s an easy decision" etc. All padding.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Clever title.

Wow, no dialogue, not sure how it would translate to the screen. Is it really a "movie" or a scene from someone's life?

Well written, but seems a bit short on "story".

Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Now this is getting silly. The second zero dialog screenplay. Ok, I can't blame you, but I question whether there would be no dialog at all? This actually seems like a silent picture where the kids are talking and the noise is blasting, but we don't hear anything. However, this piece seems like it is missing something without dialog.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love your visuals and I think this has a ton of potential. But, I get stuck on the Cory "dry heaving" and Heather choosing that moment to kiss him. It feels forced. It's a small change, but I think if you just get rid of him getting sick, this works so much better.

Lastly, perfect title.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

It's more set-up and payoff than "an entire story in one page". It was good-hearted and mostly fun to read, but in some ways it reminded more of short story format than a script. (That may have been because there was no dialogue at all.)

No obvious spelling or grammar errors. Formatting was okay. Introduction to the main characters "CORY (13)" and "HEATHER (13)" is to sparse, in my opinion. We don't need a lot but a word or two to paint a picture of them would be helpful to make the script more visual.

I gave this one a rating of "Good". Thank you.

David Birch (Level 5)

really would have preferred to have some dialog here...i think there was a great opportunity to "listen" to the kids tease corey about his phobia with the roller coaster...there's so much that can be tightened up to afford you more space for dialog...if you write EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT....then tell us about "laughter" and "neon"...those are redundant and unnecessary....in a feature...maybe...one pager...that's a luxury you really can't afford...i'd open with:

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - ROLLER COASTER - NIGHT

COREY (13) stands at the entrance - swallows hard as he stares at the screaming passengers. A GROUP OF YOUNG BOYS joust Corey as they rush past him and take their place in line.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A good little story. No dialog which is fine. Your action lines carry the story.

I’d really like to see one more edit of the action lines. Some of them seem a bit too complex and wordy. And some of them do not really describe action. They more talk about emotions and feelings, so they really need to be shown as actions.

Potential simple slice of life, coming of age story. With a little work, this script has great potential.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I like the concept of this, shy kids and the age is perfect. But I did see a lot of things written here more like a novel than a screenplay. "thick blanket of screams" etc. He Gasps. etc.

I love the words, Eager anticipation, zero hesitation. Good!

Good idea for a short.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

There were a couple of places where I was confused because the writer used the word HE and I wasn’t sure if the writer if ‘HE’ was CORY or one of Cory’s friends. If this were cleared up I could have awarded this entry an excellent. But, because of my confusion, I awarded this SP a ‘very good’. Excellent use of one page!

Ferdinand Casido (Level 2)

All action, no dialog. Nice. I see his character arc. Using his fears as an antagonizing force. You've got a love story in there too. The only thing I would have liked to see is a reaction from the other boys at the end. Maybe them slacked jawed when Cory takes off with Heather.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A simple, direct and compeling story of young infatuation. Well written with good, believable characters. The opening words "laughter and neon fill the sky" could be expressed in a more visually descriptive manner. I feel what you mean but there could be thousands and thousands of visual interpretations of those words and if you don't tell me, I don't fully understand or comprehend your personal interpretation of them.
Well done.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I enjoyed the ride. It's sweet, but quite unbelievable.

The biggest concern is why would Heather kiss Cory. Weren't they strangers? Or is Heather trying to kill Cory by going to another roller coaster? Didn't get the character motivations here, but it's hard to put in in a one pager.

The story was a breeze to read through. The chatty asides actually add to the story: "She's the girl of his dream." "Easy decision, zero hesitation."

Liked the story ending though.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I liked the atmosphere, felt like a summer evening, with all of the friends out together, sharing times together. I think this did a good job of capturing the mood of a particular time in life. I've seen other scripts try to do it, this one was able to do it.

I liked the roller coaster being the focus of the story but also a metaphor for what it will be like for the boys as they become involved with the girls.

Your writing told the story visually, I especially liked the part where the roller coaster comes down a hill and the thick blanket of screams causes him to halt where he is. The way you wrote it conveyed the story plus the background well.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Cute story. I liked it. No Diloague really gets to me too. There wasn't really anything to it though. You just wrapped up a romantic comedy in a minute. I'll give this a good.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I think you've got a good idea for a story here -- buy is scared of roller coaster, but overcomes his fears for the sake of a girl. The problem I have is your execution. Your writing style makes it difficult to know exactly what is going on at times.

Personally, I think it would be better if you trimmed things down a bit. An example: Start with Cory and his best friend (let's call him Bert) approaching the roller-coaster, Bert teasing Cory of being a scarycat. Cory is reluctant to ride the ride... but then spots Heather. Suddenly he says: "I'll do it!", much to Bert's surprise. Cory rides the roller-coaster etc.

By having Cory and Bert bickering, you a) Give Cory more personality b) Get any plot points you want to across (e.g. Why is Cory afraid or Roller-coasters)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Excellent title and story. The scene was simple and the setting was perfect. No dialogue was even more awesome. A clear beginning and ending with a sweet closing to the tale. I also liked the way you spaced everything, made of an easy read. Cheers on an excellently crafted short. This would certainly be a great little film that would be pretty easy to produce.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Reading about kids and a boy chasing a girl is always fun. I liked your story.

"Someone taps Cory on the shoulder. He looks to see Heather." - who taps him on the shoulder? Also, looks like the tap makes him turn around and look for Heather.

"Cory floats as the other boys jeer and complain" - I don't understand why the other boys should complain, and is it the long faces, that's what you're saying by "complain", right? Because we don't hear them, all we see is long faces and a dissatisfactory exchange.

It's a good story, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well written, simple and poignant. Absolutely love the absence of dialogue in this story. Just a minor tweak here and there --
Probably "someone catches his eye" instead of "something" reads better. Might save a valuable line to shorten Cory's initial reaction to Heather. Maybe, "He gasps. His eyes widen. She's the girl of his dreams." Clearly, he's smitten..."Heather smiles" might cover her reaction to him.
Visual and heartwarming, with a catchy title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

No way.

Heather would never kiss him like that.

It never worked for me. :)

Beyond the I-don't-believe-what-I'm-reading neurons firing heavily in my brain, I'm glad that you picked an unusual setting and drama. Although it feels like this is just the beginning of the story, I liked some of the things you were trying to do: themes, no dialogue, etc. The title is a groaner of a pun. Sacrifice your lunch for your girl. Good stuff.

Lucy Fazely (Level 1)

Love the duality of the title!
Wonderful story of puppy love.
This reader paticularly enjoyed the interaction between Cory and Heather - how she tests his attraction to her, rewards him, then sets up a bigger test. The fact that he doesn't hesitate is a wonderful touch.
The screenplay has a beginning, middle and end - well structure and tells the story nicely.
Very enjoyable - thank you!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a simple and sweet story. I like the title, too.

The writing is pretty good. You have strong visuals and the audio will convey the thrill to the audience.

Spelling and punctuation are good. So is the formatting.

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"Laughter and neon swirl through the sky." This description is pretty impressionistic, and I'm sure you'll get some more criticism for it. If someone was skimming it, they might not see the slugline and get confused if there was an unclear description on the first line.

This was a nice story. Although there are sounds mentioned - the friends beckoning, the screams - I could easily picture it as just silent with music.

Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Like the pun in the title.

The characters (loser, bullies, hot chick) are quite familiar. And so is the dramatic situation and theme (stupid things we do for love).

Still it was well executed and this was a fun read.

(Seemed a bit odd that nobody said a word, though)

Millar Prescott (Level 3)

Not bad. I liked that you built this story without dialog, despite places where some could easily have been written. Nice work. Pretty good job of writing. Nice and lean. Good.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I really like the double meaning your title takes. I believe this is a cute love/coming of age story. You've captured the essence of what it's like as a kid where all your friends pick on you for having a fear...not to mention the fact that all Cory's friends are made he pukes and still gets the girl.

Good job.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I like what you did with the material. You have an awesome tone of voice, blankets of screams etc, well done. I think it's brave that you decided on a 'silent' approach with no dialogue.

But the material. It just isn't that strong. There's a good flow in it, but it could be miles stronger if you gave your characters some interesting attributes.
They are a bit generic now.

Very good read.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Good title with its double-meaning. I'm so bad with titles that I envy and appreciate them so much when I see good ones.

This is cute, harmless, and fun. I love stories of adolescent puppy-love; they're so identifiable and remind me of easier times in life.

I like the fact that you've told this story without dialogue. Yes, it's only one page, but I wish more writers would challenge themselves to write a script sans dialogue.

In the end, like a lot of the one-pages, this is more of a "slice-of-life" piece that gives us hope in lieu of closure, but can feel a little anticlimactic.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's cute, and you do a good job of telling a story with no dialogue. Some of the description needs a little work ("Laughter" doesn't really "swirl through the air") but considering how much story you banged out, it's hard to complain.

It's a little tough to swallow Heather's reaction. It's possible that a girl (who loves roller coasters) would reward a clearly gutless little boy with a kiss for trying his best, but something about it rings false in my cynic's heart. It's revealing about Heather, and it could be a good reveal, but then she's off to another coaster, which dampen the sense of a girl sensitive to Cory's plight. Maybe if he didn't "dry heave" it would have been easier to believe.

Still, a good job overall.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Not bad...Shoudl've had some dialog in my opinion. But you didn;t because of the one page contest...and I feel it cheapens it.

Nice love story...and scared kid gets the win. Nice

Good luck to you this month.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Flowed well, visual -- likable characters. A story in one scene. Can't really think of anything to complain about. I might have had added to the end "...gets in line, she offers her hand" so we know she knows what he overcame for her. But that's niggling -- and a matter of personal taste.

Roberto Gonzalez (Level 3)

It's a sweet story about the stupidity of a boy versus the slyness of a spoiled girl. The worst thing of all was that I empathised withe the stupid boy. He is a good character, brave an all. I thought there would be some sort of twist in the outcome, or some more participation or dialogue from the friends of the boy.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Awww this is such a cute story. True love and courage all wrapped up in one. I always had a fear of roller coasters as a kid, and still do today, so I totally related to Cory's plight.

I would imagine, he would lose all his dinner, and it wouldn't be dry heaves.

Wonderful little slice of life story, that you pulled off well in just one page.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Very clever title, very well written and also very sweet. I like the way this ends but a problem I had was with Cory choosing to go on the first rollercoaster and going through with it.

Personally, I think it would work better if it seemed a lot more like his friends were ribbing him so bad that he HAD to go on that first rollercoaster. Maybe he's trying to hide from Heather so he won't be so embarrassed when the inevitable happens.

That way it improves the ending. He hasn't had that breakthrough at the start, which going on the first rollercoaster was in a way, but manages it in the end because even though he's humiliated himself due to his friends, she still finds him cute.

Good stuff overall, could just use a little play around for me.

Susan Lower (Level 2)

A sweet moment of what a boy will do to get a girl.

When you write, "He shakes his head. No way..." Is "no way" something he says or something that he is thinking? If he is thinking this, then it doesn't belong in a screen play.

Seems like there should be a little bit of dialogue going on, at least his friends calling for him or ribbing him after the ride directly.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I really liked this totally visual tale, well drawn characters and a good "ride" - excellent!

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

It's a cute story. You even managed to give your main character an arc and even a motivation for change. From that viewpoint, great job.

On the other hand, I find that the writing style causes the script to lose some of its charm. I guess it is the endeless argument between the two camps -the show/dont'tell and the tell/don't-show.

Truth be told, if I read that Cory sees Heather and "He gasps, his eyes widen. He can’t look away", I alread know that "She’s the girl of his dreams". I don't need to read it, and you just used a line to tell me something you had already shown to me.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I like the double meaning of your title. Not a big fan of your first line of narrative, it's a bit vague. Nice little story, probably a few phrases could be tightened up a little but overall I think you did a good job here.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

An awesome story.

A complete character arc, stakes, great plot, totally sweet and not one word of dialogue - yet I get the entire thing.

My first Excellent vote.

Looking forward to finding out who wrote this.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Clever double meaning title. Very well written brief and colorful descriptive writing. A heartpulling story that I hope makes top 3. Excellent.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2010 2:13 AM

Terrific story. Should have been a top finisher.