Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

First off, the title. It is way too long. You have three good titles there in fact:

400 Miles
A Baby's Funeral
And Everybody Died

The last one pretends to give the story away, but cleverly doesn't. But still I wouldn't use "And Everybody Died" in a title.

I don't know what a nudnik is.

The first dialogue is exposition. You are using your characters to deliver exposition and people never talk like that.

On page two: "But Jack knows that one isn't coming. He enjoys needling his friend.", is internal monologue, and shouldn't be in a screenplay. You should only write out what the characters do or say, the things that can be seen.

Overall, as it is, this story is very much about inner conflict as the characters struggle with what to do with their lives and how to deal with fear of death. As such cinema is not a good medium for that. Literature is far better at getting inside the heads of characters. With movies you end up with people staring away into the distance, thinking deep thoughts. In movies you show things visually (you dramatize it). This story might be better told in a short fiction story.

In a sense there is no story. No inciting event, no climax, no protagonist who is changed by the events. This could serve as a start for a longer story though, with the funeral the inciting event, and the group goes on a road trip, traveling, in search of themselves. That would dramatize their inner conflict visually.

A very existentialist piece, and well written.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Okay, your title has me cracking up. You will certainly turn heads with it.

Is the brand and model of the car relevant to the story? I foresee a director with a limited budget using any car available.

"Jack is fishing for a reaction." Use present tense: "Jack fishes for a reaction."

"Something about this question does not sit right with Eric."
You're giving us too much insight into the characters. This would work if it were a short story and we were privy to their thoughts. This is a film and unless you have a narrator, the audience will not know this information.

Leave the camera directions to the director. It's too distracting in a spec script.

This feels like another day in Eric's life. What is Eric's goal? Did he achieve it?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I think I'm missing something here. So, are they actually dead? The title and some of your words in the action would indicate yes, but there was never anything that indicated they are actually dead. I'm confused.

Setting that aside, what was this about? Perhaps not understanding the ending isn't helping, but I can't find the purpose of this script. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but that's how I honestly feel. I don't think it needs some moral or large point, but at least it can aim for pure entertainment, or offense, or laughter, but this is just sort of there. A lot of time passes by in these five pages, a lot of characters are introduced, and a lot of the dialog is expositional, however, nothing ever really happens.

Perhaps this isn't my cup of tea, perhaps I'm just missing it, but as I've read it, this is getting a FAIR from me. Sorry. Feel free to explain if I've missed anything.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

There were some weird formatting issues with the lines of dialogue cutting off too early.

Limit dialogue to 4 lines max.

Avoid camera direction. That's for the cinematographer and director to decide, not the writer.

Much of the dialogue sounded stiff and unnatural.

As for the story, I didn't really get it. Was there a point to this story? There's no twist or climax. Basically, friends go on a drive to attend a funeral and pick up some other friends, then they go to a hotel. The end. There's not much going on there and I don't feel like it'd make for a very interesting film. Nice effort, but this one needs some polish.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I LOVE the title!

EXT. VACANT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
An old model, four-door Mercury Marquis appears out of the
darkness, a lone car on an empty stretch of highway. - why tell us the same thing twice?

In the front seat, the driver - well, he'd hardly be in the back seat, would he?!

This isn’t quite the reaction Jack was looking for. He takes another approach. Something about this question does not sit right with Eric. waiting for a witty retort. But Jack knows that one isn’t coming. He enjoys needling his friend. He turns back around, satisfied. Having Danny is the same as having nobody. unable to understand what he is feeling. Gina stares down into her tea rather than have to watch Danny.- please PLEASE don't TELL us stuff that's in your head and not on the screen.

(sarcastically)(not picking up on the sarcasm) - parentheticals are best avoided.

Camera stays tight on them - no camera directions in a spec script.

I'm afraid, despite having read through this three times, I simply didn't get it - not the characters, not the story, not the message you were trying to convey. It seemed unfocussed and, as you can see from my comments above, a lot was TELLING us what you thought, not SHOWING us a story on screen.

But I DID love the title!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Damn, I was going to give up reviewing for this month, but then this title popped up. How could I resist.

You have this loaded with unfilmables. Some say this is fine, but a good director can look past them to see if the story is carrying it's weight visually.

Oh and now you are giving directions. Just tell the story, leave the directions to the director.

What the hell was this? I feel artsy, but not. I don't get it. You did paint a mood and congrats for that. I really felt the miserable malaise, but it could also been the story that just plods along. Sorry I wasn't feeling it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, even before reading this, I have to say I am very intrigued by the title. It seems so dark, so over-the-top-dark, that I can't help but wonder if it isn't a black comedy. On to the read...

Really interesting (not at all what I was expecting). Awesome character study. I was expecting a bit more plot at first, but then when I thought about it, I realized how much you really had done - how much you told us about these people and the shape of their lives. I read it a second time and it resonated even more.

You're craft is excellent - this is really beautiful writing. I think others will probably wish there was more plot, but I loved it.

Excellent.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

It was different then most of what I've watched or read, but it's theme of futility made it seem familiar to a lot of movies I've seen parts of. (Sorry, I admit I'm not a big fan of this kind of movie.)

A lot of this isn't very visual writing. In your first scene you introduce us to RANDALL (20), JACK (20) and ERIC (20), with nothing that would distinguish one from the other. Later on we're introduced to LUCY, GINA (20), DANNY (20), MOTHER (40s), a somber MORTICIAN (which I'm guessing is a man), YOUNG CASHIER (which I'm guessing is a woman) and ANDREA, Lucy's friend from home. Nine people and the only thing I know about any of them is that the Mortician is somber. (And that Andrea is Lucy's friend from home -- but I'm not really sure how you film that since Andrea's only purpose in the script was to smile back when Eric says; "Hey, Andrea".) I don't have a clue what makes any of these people unique or even distinguishable from each other. And they all sound pretty much the same too.

At the end, you spend nearly a page describing the hotel room and that there are people sleeping in it and an OLD DRUNK outside -- that was pretty visual.

The people in this story kind of made me shrug my shoulders. The all seemed to be depressed and trapped in pointless lives, but ultimately I didn't care for them one way or the other.

Thanks for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Fair".

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I was very confused by this story. Since the title says "...Baby's Funeral and Everybody Died" I assume these two things happened, but, without the title, I would have no idea that the funeral was for a baby, or that everyone was really dead at the end. The first problem is that there are way too many characters that don't seem to have any real importance to the story. I started out trying to keep track but gave up. It makes me wonder if this is based on a real event, and real people, so you tried to put everyone in that was there.

The dialouge was okay, but I couldn't tell one person from another. Without descriptions, everyone seems basically the same. I can't help but think you had more of an idea than what ended up on the page.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Man, this one's a tough script to grade. The writing, formatting, use of verbs and whatnot, the writer is proficient, great. But I'm afraid I don't get the story one whit, not one. It is dialogue heavy that's for sure.

Did everyone die? You say they "look" dead. The title says different.

Eric Iversen (Level 1)

Um... what? You lost me.

This seems like the middle 5 pages out of a "dark" comedy that got a little too dark. It reads like a documentary or slice-of-life from the wrong side of the tracks, but none of it is resonating with me. Nothing is grabbing me.

I don't have a reason to care about any of the characters. I'm not pulling for any of the characters. I see no growth. I see no lesson. I see nothing. I read it 3 times and I just don't see a point to it.

I'm giving it a FAIR because it was written well enough that I could see the scenes in my head, but it left me flat.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The format for the SP was done well. The writer understands slug-lines, dialogue, etc. However, there is still much work to do.

I’m not crazy about the title. From the title, I’m guessing the funeral was for a baby but nowhere in the script are we told this. If I am correct, and the funeral was for a child, perhaps when inside the funeral home, the casket can be described as a child-sized casket. And at the end of the script, everyone is asleep. How does that go with the title “Everybody Died”.

Remember, a story must have a beginning, a middle, and an end. The middle of this story is when the car trip to the funeral. The middle must be the funeral. And the end is in the motel room. But, where is the drama, the conflict. What is the point of the story? I read it twice and could not figure it out. Maybe it’s just me. Every scene must reveal something about character or advance the story line.

And who is the protagonist? I was never sure.

The writer should make sure to “show don’t tell” Example: “Something about this question does not sit right with Eric.” How do we know? What does Eric do to tell us that he doesn’t like the question.

Only write what will be filmed. How does the cameraman film: “But Jack knows that one isn’t coming.” and “…unable to understand what he is feeling.”

If a word is used in the slug-line, then don’t use that same word in the action paragraph. Example: The word HIGHWAY in the first slug-line and the first action paragraph.

“Camera stays tight on them.” Camera directions are not needed in a spec script.

Write in an active voice. Whenever possible, avoid the words IS and ARE and words that end in ING.

How old are ANDREA and LUCY?

Avoid redundancy. “In the front seat, the driver…” (Of course the driver is in the front seat.) “The group sits in a corner booth, digesting their meal.” (Who cares if they are digesting food? Besides, that can’t be filmed.

The word bible should be capitalized.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

An unusual and intriguing title for a screenplay - perhaps just a bit too long?
You clearly have a gift for setting up an engaging environment and I think this is the strongest facet of your screenplay. The characters are interesting enough with a chatty realistically random diaologue between them. The biggest weaksness that I can see is that your storyline rambles along seemingly without direction - but perhaps this is also your intent and simply part of your creative style. Continued good success to you.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

Quite intriguing. Fast paced, well written. I liked it. However, I feel ambivalent about the ending. How did they die? Or are they even dead? Maybe we're not supposed to know. I like to think that you left it up to the reader. Nicely descriptive, easy to visualize. Great job.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Hmm. That was dark and depressing. I think that's the mood you were going for. The whole trip was well told, I could visualize all of it. I'm not clear about the relationship between Gina and the others. The ending was a vivid image. I guess the title says it all. That title sure got my attention, anyway. There were some nice images in this, but I really found it depressing, and none of the characters were very likeable. Maybe if we knew more about Lucy.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Awesome title!......But fair story.

The problem is I don't understand how the title relates to your script, and what you're trying to tell us from your script.

So there are some friends going together to a funeral, but we don't know who the funeral is for. The title says it's for a baby, but we didn't even see it in the script. And how is everyone died in the end?

There are more characters that I can't keep track of. Randall, Jack, Eric, Gina, Lucy, Danny. I didn't know them well enough to care for them. Sounds like Eric and Lucy were romantically involved but that's about it.

The ending provides us with no resolution. Eric just walks around the hotel, but so what? Sorry, I didn't get it at all.

FAIR.

J. E. Kitchell (Level 1)

no idea where it's going. I like the dialogue, very realistic and spot on for what I think are the characters. But in this I cannot decide if it is comedy, or drama and who is really the main character. who's telling the story? I'd like to see within the first few scenes a sense of who is the story about and who is telling it to me.

Jamie Collins (Level 3)

I like the story of this screenplay but beyond the title we don't know who died. The funeral scene doesn't mention that it's a baby's funeral. Maybe it could be revealed by the size of the casket.

A couple of minor points: t.v. should be capitalized...and bible should be Bible.

Overall, this is a really good screenplay that I think would work great on film. I especially like the imagery of the last scene.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

The title is too long. What if you take out the for a baby's funeral?
The dialogue is flat. The characters could use more dimension.
Keep writing.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I hope this is funny, because the title has grabbed my attention.

Drunk in the backseat of a car at night when you're twenty is acceptable :)

You write too much that we can't see. Clean up your actions. Just tell us the basics.

You need to make your characters sound more distinctive so we can follow them. I just looked at them as all the same person.

Random. Read up on more screenplays. You need to learn proper format and basically how to tell a story. It was hard for me to follow what was going on because it seemed so scattered. I'll have to read it again if I have enough time at the end of the month because hopefully I'm missing something. Did everyone die? I just don't get it. Why the emphasis on the homeless man? That space should have been used to tie your story together.

I read it again, and still don't understand the point you were trying to make. Stories need a climax and an ending. Yours just kind of stopped when nothing was resolved. Again, read more screenplays and try to cut your actions to 2-3 lines.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I'm finding I can't get past this review, so I'm just going to make it a short one and move on I'm afraid.

The way you write is truely brilliant, the dialogue the descriptions, it's just awesome, BUT there are so many different threads of story and interesting characters crammed into this that it doesn't work in five pages, it doesn't emerge as a complete piece.

You have such great potential. Very good. Well done, please keep writing.

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

There is an intriguing undertone here that I would love to see more fully developed. This has the feel of an art house piece, vague and disjointede with a great deal of emotion and hidden meaning. Unfortunately, the potential is lost beneath some difficulties in the writing.

Action lines frequently include information that cannot be shown by a camera (ex.: This isn’t quite the reaction Jack was looking for. pg 2). Dialog in the first scene is not as strong as it could be, and with the lack of background knowledge is confusing on the first read.

The strong imagery in the final scenes is the best part of the script, and I would have loved to see more of it.

The title adds nothing to the script, and feels overly long and clunky. It also evokes a very different feeling from the script, lacking the subltey that infused the best parts of the script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's nearly written. I did think there's some exposition in both dialog and the description. You explain to your reader a lot and I don't know if those lines can be filmed. Some - yes perhaps but most now. For example I'm not against "having Danny is the same as having nobody", but I don't like "this isn't quite the reaction Jack is looking for". Either way it all could be compressed I think.

The story is a bit thin for me. Why is everyone dead? Is everyone dead? What does the title mean?

You introduce many important characters throughout and I don't know if it's good for a 5 pager. I was expected to see Lucy and Gina but then there's Danny...- too many for me. Maybe just me.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I didn't understand all of this, I think you may have outstylized yourself. I can see the potential in these characters but I don't quite see them fully developed yet. the ending image is a good one, I think all of us at one time or another have looked at a room full of passed-out compadres and imagined them dead...ah the wonders of post-drinking dawn.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Riveting title. An attention-getter. The last scene in the hotel room is particularly ironic and well written. "...Everybody Died" in the title seemingly refers to an eerie depiction of all the characters asleep "face down" with the tv flickering over them. The description of the Marquis on the "Vacant Highway" in the first scene is also well done.
Had trouble differentiating some of the characters. Randall, Jack, and Eric are all 20, but there's no hints about their personalities. Eric's comment about gouging his eyes out, followed by he "claps his hands to rally the troops" seems inconsistent. Believe the only reference to who the funeral is for comes from the title and an assumption derived from dialogue between Danny and Gina's Mom at the funeral home. The description of the skid row street and the Old Drunk is terrific, but doesn't contribute any character information or move the story forward.
There's bones of an intriguing road-trip story here. The strength may be the description; a lot of it is very good.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Will this be the longest title of the contest? Got my money so far (this is my second read).

"Can you tell me again why..." No movie should ever have such a line of dialogue. It's begging for on-the-nose. The characters already know! They'd never be discussing this, or, at least they'd be discussing it in an interesting way because they'd already know the details. Tighten up the dialogue and make it sparkle. Also, two "nudniks" in back-to-back dialogues?

The dialogue does improve dramatically on page 2. Good job.

I have a hard time believing that there's an argument going on in the funeral home between Danny and Gina's Mother. Sure, we've already learned that Danny's a piece of work, but I don't buy it. I could see some smoldering looks, maybe, a hate-filled scowl, but not an audible argument. That argument's probably already happened or is about to happen, but I've been in enough funeral homes to know that you're more likely to hear forced laughter or nothing at all.

Hm. Danny and Gina lost their baby, go to the funeral, and then that very night party hard and fall asleep drunk? Again, hard to believe.

I'm also not sure where the focus of the story is. Even the title is unfocused. At first I thought the story was about the baby and how the baby died, but then it seemed to revolve around Eric and Lucy (but that goes nowhere fast) and then we're back to Jack being irritating and then it ends. All the arguments go unresolved and the relationships go unfulfilled and nothing really happens.

The ending gives a hopeless and lifeless vibe, which you were going for, but what was the point? There was a moral message in here, but I don't think it was clear enough, because you show the darkness without the light. Where is Eric supposed to go, what is he supposed to do, how can he better himself? He seems to have no choices, no opportunities, but of course he must. Unless the title is supposed to mean that he, too, will fail to find a way out of his cycle of death and joylessness.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love this title. It's so striking. Excellent!

I almost put off reading this because I'm in a busy place and I wasn't sure I'd be able to concentrate on the story. It wasn't a problem, though.

There's something incredibly haunting and thought provoking about this. There are so many ways to read the psychology going on. You really nailed the different characters personality-wise. I'm thinking you might be the newbie who likes open endings... Whoever you are, you really got me thinking with this.

The only thing I'd suggest technically is that you don't use the word "camera" in a script unless it's a prop.

Very Good Work!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Who were these people? That's my biggest question. What were they doing besides going to a two minute funeral for a baby..and the only reason I know it was a baby is because it was in the title. We didn't see what the relationships were between anyone either. There wasn't a plot that I could see. I don't even know who the main character is.

This needs a lot of work. Try to keep the character count down in these 5 pagers. And make sure there is some kind of plot, not just a bunch of people hanging out. That's not a story. Maybe this is a few scenes from something bigger? If so, you need to make sure it can stand on it's own with an obvious main character and a beginning, middle and end.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The title sounds promising.

I liked the sense of nihilism from this story, with the ending depressing me the most, although that's just what I got out of it, I'm sure others will interpret it differently.

"You’re the ones that abandoned her" should be "You're the one who abandoned her", if she's talking to just Danny at that point.

I like the imagery you're going for at the end, but maybe you're pushing it too much to fit with the title. I was expecting everyone to die.

Excellent.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Great title!

But beyond that, I'm afraid I found the story utterly incomprehensible. It's filled with characters and details that just don't connect. None of the events seem to tie together in any meaningful way, to such an extent that I struggle to classify it as a story. Maybe I'm missing something major here but I just didn't get it. Technically it's well written and formatted but the story didn't work for me at all.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I expected something completely different based on the title. I'm happy that this didn't turn out to be some weird mass killing right at the end.

This was interesting all the way through right up until the end. I don't really know what the story was. I was really enjoying where it might have been going though.

The characters seemed like they were probably interesting but never quite developed. We never got Lucy's age (sort of Gina's older sister) but everyone else was 20's. So I'm not sure what her real role was. Who died? It doesn't seem to matter to the story, but apparently it was somebody's baby...

The ending seemed almost too poetic. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to get resolved.

There is an interesting story in here. I just couldn't seem to find it.

Matthew King (Level 2)

Everything is well-described and the piece generally well written. I can't say that I was all too intrigued by the characters, but I think the idea of dreading such an occasion yet attending by obligation is a good set up for a piece of this length.

"Lucy gives him a look. Having Danny is the same as having nobody." That line stuck out to me as a creative communication of the look on someone's face. Good work!

Michael Berg (Level 3)

You should try rewriting lines that are more sports announcer "play by play" that can't really be seen on screen -- unless it's emoted/facially expressed by a really good actor. "This isn't quite the reaction Jack was looking for... he takes another approach." "Something about this question does not sit right with Eric." Rewrite to the effect "Eric morosely turns to the window, staring at his own reflection."

Only use wrylies when you're absolutely sure the audience(reader) can't discern a chacter's (action/reaction) from the dialogue. (sarcastically) (not picking up on sarcasm) -- just remove this one.

Never use direction lingo on a spec, unless you are writing it as a shooting script and are the director. "Camera stays tight on them."

One metaphor to "sleeping like the dead" is enough. Adding a 2nd line of them being corpses changes the scene to implying they really are dead.

You probably don't need to specify where each person is sleeping unless it plays some relevance to the story or future scene.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was pretty good. Nicely poetic. Not really much happens but it sort of has a story feel rather than a slice of life. Well done.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I have to say this was excellent. I appreciate reading something that attmepts so much. Alot of story, character and emotion packed into the five pages.
Dialogue was good, scenes flowed from location to location nicely. I was most impressed with the complexity of the underlying story which was told thru these simple scenes and the sense of dispair evoked for the main character.
Great job. I'm Looking forward to more from this author.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Your technical skill such as formatting is good but I'm afraid I don't really get the story and none of your characters spring to life for me.

A lot of telling rather than showing in this script. Right from page one you're telling us how your characters feel rather than showing us and their behaviour or dialogue does not really give a flavour of their personalities.

Dialogue is very on the nose, particulalry between Danny and Gina's mother at the funeral.

Not sure I grasped this properly - they go to a funeral then get drunk in a hotel room and one of them thinks they look dead ? I'm not really getting the story or the significance of anything here, sorry.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

A road trip story to a funeral filled with too many characters feels more like it's a scene from a bigger movie than something stand-alone.

Concept:
I like the idea of a group of friends travelling to a child's (baby's?) funeral, but it might be something that needs to be tackled in a bigger story. Mainly because a roadtrip requires so many different scenes so that you really get to know the characters. Here it's just Eric walking from scene to scene, there's too little time to establish anything.

Title:
The title gets my attention yeah, although it tries a bit too hard too. Kind of on the fence on this one. It's a bit pompous and might turn a lot of people down.

Execution:
There are simply too many characters. Three in the car, five more in the church than another one outside. Most have speaking roles too. Because you spread your attention so thin, not one character stands out and they all sound the same.

The scenes are all a bit too unremarkable as well. Just a car drive, just a church reception, just a hotel room. What really makes these scenes stand out visually? The final scene is really atmospheric though, but it comes a little too late.

There doesn't seem to be a point to all the elements and they don't come together at all. What brings all these people together, what does the funeral have to do with their own growth? Is this something you dreamt or something? Feels honest, but not really storylike.

Writing:
The way you describe things flows really well. But you introduce your characters with little personality and simple age descriptions. If they are all 20, why not just say its a car full of early twenties or something to that accord. Only mention it when they are different.

The dialog is a bit simple, nudniks and stuff like that. At one point a character exclaims he'd rather gauge his eyeballs then go inside, but then he instantly goes inside. There's no consistency to this. Format and everything is tight though.

Potential:
Easy to film, certainly. No special effects and all character-driven scenes. More of an indie-type film and feeling anyway, more for the in-crowd. Personally, I feel like it lacks proper punch and consistency, so you'll be hardpressed finding someone who will film this for you. You could always try it yourself though.

Overall:
Somehow I do feel this story has a nice element at it's core. It just doesn't come together at all. Too many characters and no real focus makes this kind of mumblecore, or just an absolute miss. Your writing is great, but the storytelling could use some major help. If there's one element you are really good at it's creating the setting. You open with a few action lines, then give the dialog. This works, but perhaps needs a bit more flow too.

Biggest Flaw: Ultimately goalless.
Best Aspect: Atmospheric clean writing.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

The title is fun and I appreciate your effort, but I found a lot of issues with this one.

The character count is too high. They just kept coming and coming: Randall, Eric, Lucy, Gina, Danny, Andrea, etc., etc. You introduced a new character on every page and it's simply too much to ingest and keep track of.

There are too many conversations between these characters, especially when they talk about other characters or the past, and there was painful expositional dialogue on the first page.

Your screenwriting is fine, but there's too much unfilmable information throughout. Format overall appears acceptable. Didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I get the impression that I’m missing something as I read this. Unfortunately I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to make of it. I guess that might be the point. However for me it seems like a lot of unconnected and incomplete threads that I didn’t really catch a story in.

Interesting title.

You intro the three guys in the car all at once and aside from the fact that one of them drinks vodka and juice, you’ve given us no information about any of them. For me this makes it hard to form a mental image of the characters and means that I’m likely to blur them together as I read.

“Drunk in the back seat of a car in the middle of the night?” – Sounds like a normal 20 year old!

Perhaps the casket needs to be described as being small?

For me the scene that goes from page 3-4 might be an example of a redundant scene because I didn’t catch what I was supposed to get from it.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Surreal. Head scratcher is the best I can say. Don't know what you were going for but this one missed me completely. Almost every line of stage direction was a thought or emotion or insight that should not be placed in a screenplay. The characters have to act or speak in a way that translates their emotions or thoughts or intentions. This piece sort of rambled from one scene to the next, not building to anything or seeming to be told from anyone's perspective. The ending just flat out did not make sense to me. They're sleeping, then we're supposed to interpret them as dead? From what? I just didn't get it. Maybe others will.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

That was a really cool title. It got my attention right away.

The story was hard to follow for me. I mean, I got it, but it seemed to meander a bit. it was as if you knew what you wanted to say, but it didn't translate to paper well.

Maybe because we go from the group in the car who I started to invest in, but then we get to the funeral and meet more characters. I don't think there were enough pages to keep up with all of them.

There were a couple of action lines that I loved. (Below) So visual and really descriptive. Really visual! Nice!

Face down, they look like dead
bodies. The t.v. flickers upon their corpses like silent
machine gun fire.

The skid row street is empty at three in the morning. The
silence, the stillness, and the buildings lit by a couple of
streetlights make the street look like a stage.

I think this has a lot of potential, and maybe with a rewrite and the page restriction lifted, you can make it stronger.

Good luck on it.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Huh?? You really swung for the fences with this one. I'm totally lost. You described camera actions which most people don't like and had a few typos. I thought the ending was so cryptic and bizarre I couldn't but kinda like it in a way. But the trip leading up to that ending was very random and felt a bit meaningless.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

The title really turned me off for starters: long and depressing, and it sounds like it is going to end badly. Nothing seemed to happen either other than a group of people went to a funeral and left. No mention of the deceased in the script, I assume from the title it was a baby. In general too many characters in too many scenes for such a short script. I have no background on any of the characters except the guy in the backseat of the car. Conversation in the car in the beginning was interesting and held promise...

William Wilson (Level 3)

Ok the only reason i was escited to read this cript was because of the title it is very original and its an attention grabber but as for the story goes, to me this didnt seem like it had a middle or ending it felt like this whole story was the start to a much bigger drama script.

And to be honest thats why it didnt work for me this felt like 5 pages to a full movie script not a 5 page script that is the whole movie, and to be honest i dont know if I liked or hated this story because i feel like i wasnt given much of a story.

Loved the title but really was indifferent on everything else...

I Give " 400 Miles For a Baby's Funeral and Everybody Died" a 5 out of 10

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Since Randall already knows why they're going -- "Can you tell me again..." -- he's asking for our benefit?

What kind of reaction is Jack fishing for? I don't get that... And we can't see Jack not know something.

How do we know Danny is unable to understand what he's feeling?

What camera?

There are a lot of characters coming into this one. I'm not sure who's important and who's just there... Andrea was really not needed -- Lucy could have just called a cab. Or walked. Or that conversation could've taken place without her physically leaving.

Is the bathtub in the middle of the hotel room? That should have been a separate slug. And how could a room with two beds barely hold five people? It seems there should be plenty of room.

This script just kind of meanders with no apparent purpose. I didn't know what was going on or what the story was or what the deal with Eric and Lucy is. Much of the story is too incredible to believe or care about.

The only good thing I can think of is the title, but even that is misleading since after the baby's funeral the parents seem to have no qualms about going out and partying with their friends.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2011 12:33 AM

I realize I'm in the minority on this one, but I loved it. It was original and filled with wonderful characters. Your words are like poetry and this was very powerful to me. Your title is simply one of the best I have ever read. Beautiful!

Jem Rowe (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2011 1:09 AM

Count me as part of that minority, I can't say it better than I did in my review. What a writer you are!

Michael Hughes (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2011 11:53 AM

Great job, I thought the subtle complexity of the story shows alot of talent. Keep it up.

James Hughes (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 7:47 PM

Thank you for the kind words, Chris, Jem, and Mike! I appreciate it. Thanks for the favorite, Martin.

Patrick Zampetti (Level 1) ~ 2/11/2011 4:34 PM

I saw The King's Speech recently and loved the beginning where some pretty common and minimal things are actually happening with the plot but the production quality and Acting (with a capital "A") kept my eyes fixed on the screen. I get the sense that this could be done the same way. Just a very well focused look into some ordinary lives and relationships without ruining it by trying to do too much. Great effort.