Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I'm very interested in this one...I don't have a ton to say about it, because I think that it's really solid as-is.

For me, there is enough information about the main character, the idea is interesting (I really want to meet the ghosts!) and I like the way that the genre information was woven into the logline. I wouldn't always be a fan of that, but in this case it gave me more info. about how this story is going to be told.

Title: Not a lot to say here either, I like it. It's interesting. Seems to fit...

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Maybe its my sense of humor, but the logline felt a bit messy. I can't see a stright path for the hero in the story. No clear goal. Maybe its just me not liking comedy that much.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Great characters, and very interesting set-up. I'm curious how the story can be prolonged when the hit-man is suicidal. Given that he has no fear of killing, I would imagine it would be easy for him to finish himself off quickly. However, that's your worry, not mine! Give us a bit of a clue what happens later in the film. You've got an excellent beginning...let us know what we can expect him to encounter in the latter part of the film.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

He is suicidal. And some one is coming after him to kill him. Where is the conflict exactly? Sounds like he can't fail even if he tried.

He doesn't want to be killed by some psychopathic crime boss, but rather, he wants to kill himself in this darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir way?

I don't get the motivation of the protagonist, I don't see a conflict. I couldn't envision a movie when I read this logline, I'm sorry...

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: It's unique but it doesn't relate to the story.

Story: Why is the hitman suicidal? Either you commit suicide or you don't. Are you trying to say he's mentally unhinged? That would make him very interesting.

The hitman's goal is unclear. He wants the perfect demise for himself or the crime boss? If he wants to off himself, it doesn't make for an interesting goal.

Craft: Do not tell us the genre. It should be implied in your writing.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The title is so-so. I'm not quite sure what it has to do with the logline outside of 'night'. It almost reads as if there is a typo and should be 'Labor Through the Night', but I'm sure you've written what you intended, so that's why I say it's only so-so.

The protagonist... a suicidal hit-man. I like this, a lot actually. How could killing for a living not cause some suicidal thoughts? Anyway, what I don't get from your logline is why he doesn't just off himself. You say he searches for the perfect demise, does that mean he wants to commit suicide but also put on some kind of show? That didn't quite jive with me. He's a hit-man, therefore good at killing, he should be able to kill himself. But then when he botches a job, if he's suicidal, why run in the first place? These are the types of motivations that should come out in a logline that will interest me. Perhaps he has some last bit of business to finish before he dies. I'm not sure of your story, and that's part of the problem. If his sole motivation for running from the psychopathic crime boss is because he wants to find the perfect way to die first, that isn't enough, given that he is suicidal. But if he was suicidal, a hit-man, and considers himself some kind of Artist? That would touch a little bit more on the motivation for a suicidal man to run from death.

Anyway, a decent start. I'm giving this a Good.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I don't like the title. The word labor makes me think of a woman giving birth, which makes me think romantic comedy before I even read the logline. Then once I do read it, the genre turns out to be a crime/ghost story. A new title would probably clear up that confusion to the point that you wouldn't need to commit the foul of stating your genre in the logline itself.

The protagonist and antagonist are clear, but his goal doesn't make sense to me. His goal is to kill himself? How hard could it be? This seems like it could be a short script because I can't imagine it taking a determined killer more than a few minutes to kill himself in any number of ways.

A logline should be a succinct summary of the entire script. All 3 acts. I don't get the sense of 3 acts here, primarily because we're not really given any examples of why it could take more than a couple pages to tell this story. What happens in the 2nd act that prevents him from killing himself? What's the big dilemma at the end of the 3rd act? After reading a logline, we should have some idea.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Labor to the night? This makes no sense to me.

I was liking the logline up to "in this darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir"

The genre should be implied in the logline, not STATED. I think it IS implied, so why spoil a perfectly good logline with this 'belt and braces' job?

In case this is a British-only idiom that you don't know:

belt and braces
using more than one method to make sure that something is safe or sure to happen

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

The visuals can be excellent, especially because of the noir aspect. I can already sense extreme suspense experienced by the hit-man as he runs from his pursuers. The added characteristic to your protagonist as suicidal is a nice touch and leaves room for extra suspense. I already think this could make a great film based on the logline, and I haven't even seen the script yet! Good luck!

Charles Martin (Level 2)

Sounds Intriguing. But I think to really pull it off you would need to make this a porno. I know when I think of the perfect demise, I picture this huge Whorehouse where I have unlimited credit and pocket full of Viagra's and with an all you can eat pancake house and everywhere smokin hot babes.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Thanks for giving us the genre in the logline, it's totaly unnecessary. If he's suicidal why is he running? Maybe just depressed? I like the idea, but the logline needs work.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

If I understand this correctly, you have a hit-man who wants to "off" himself, but he just can't seem to find the perfect way to do it. I think that could be an interesting story, but I wish I had a clearer picture of the story.

Additionally, you shouldn't have to tell us it is comic, horror, and noir - we should be able to tell that from the style of the logline.

Still, I am intrigued by this story and I hope I get to read the first ten pages.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

A suicidal guy is running away from death?

The title's meaning eludes me...

I don't like the point-blank identification, 'comic hybrid...' I think this could be done with a touch more detail into those aspects of the plot.

Clay Blincoe (Level 2)

I would have really liked this logline, except for the last part. Never write "in this darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir". I get you want to express the direction of the script, but a professional would never include that in their logline. Sounds like a good idea though.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

You get a lot of work out of a short logline. This might be fun to read, and I think I got a pretty good idea of what this story is about, I just think it might be thin for a full-length feature. Unless there's something I'm missing.

The guy wants to off himself and the pursuers apparently want to off him too. So, unless there's more to it than what I think I see, there's really no suspense here.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see myself sitting through 110 minutes saying to myself: "Oh crap, this vengeful ghost might croak him before he has a chance to croak himself in his chosen manner."

But you did get me seeing a picture and that's something good.

Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Love it. But, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that noir has always held a special place in my heart. That said I do have a criticism: The logline doesn't really flow, feels a bit choppy. I'd keep working it until you have as close to a perfect version as possible.

But what I think sets your story apart is the "searches for the perfect demise" portion of your story. This suggests to me that not only does your hit man want his swan song, but he wants it to be the perfect artistic representation of his life's work -- which is pretty cool. I gave you an excellent.

David Laffey (Level 3)

I do enjoy the premise of the logline, and I think it's great that it could be a dark comedy, however I would like to sense that without reading "in this darkly comic hybrid"...

If we get a little more sense of comedy in the logline itself I think it would be more powerful.

Also given the dramatic and conflicted nature of the story (as described through the logline) I think you could do better with the title. Perhaps create a phrase that will better create the sense of conflict that the story will have.

I did question the originality of this concept, but it does sound unique if it's delivered as a dark comedy/horror. Perhaps a good example of this style of story is the film "The Usual Suspects". If you haven't seen it, I recommend it at least before writing this script.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

The fact that he is suicidal and still running is at first confusing, but then seems to answer itself. I guess he wants to die on his terms and no-one else's. Dark comic horror and noir combined -- seems like a very interesting combo that can work if done right.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Must we take your word that it is 'darkly comic'? Had you demonstrated it in your logline it would have been so much more effective. As it is, 'suicidal', 'psychopathic' and 'vengeful' may conjure 'horror' but there is only 'demise' to suggest a tenuous link to 'noir'.
It needs something to convince as to why a suicidal hit-man would be so picky as to search for a 'perfect demise'. The hook seems to be; will he survive for long enough to find a fitting way to die. As such, it does not work well for me.
There is a laborious sense to the title; reaching for a relevance it does not quite achieve.

Elvira Elzinga (Level 2)

A suicidal hitman, does that mean he wants to kill himself or that he kills other people and makes it look like suicides? I think it still needs some work, to specify it more. I also wonder how you would make it comically? But the hybrid of horror and noir interests me.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

In my opinion, the basic premise of this story is good but the logline needs work. Consider something like: “A hitman botches a job and is pursued by a psychopathic crime boss. When vengeful ghosts of past kills join the pursuit, the hitman considers various methods of horrific demise.”

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

Excellent. You say so much with relatively few words. This is the kind of movie I would really enjoy seeing. Although, I would personally remove the darkly comic element. For some reason, it would seem more appropriate as a very dark and serious script. But that's just me. Good job.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

From the title, I would never guess what this is about. But the logline itself is very good. I'm a little unclear as to why he would need to pursue a perfect demise if he's suicidal. But the end of your logline (darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir) is perfect.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

What an original idea and I am very interested in reading more. I wonder if you could have implied the genre without stating it explicitly, although I'm not sure how.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

The title is okay, a little vague and not too catchy.

This is another logline that gives us only the first act and a hint of the second act.

The first sentence sounds cliche to me. We always get stories where a hitman's latest job gone wrong and people go after him. It's been done many times before. However, him being suicidal adds a little flavor and orginality.

The problem is the second sentence. So his goal is to fake his own death? Rather than confronting the crime boss and the vengeful ghosts of his past kills? Your protagonist is avoiding the conflict here and that's not always a good sign.

And then you told us at the end what genre this story will be. I think with a nicely crafted logline, we can tell whether your story is a horror comedy or not.

Still, I'm still interested in what you can come up with.

GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Definitely interesting. He's suicidal but running from killers - although they seem to be conflicting ideas, I get it. While he's a "bad-guy" I still feel sorry for him. We feel sorry for all suicidal people, right? So, good job making him the protagonist.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Solid logline.

I wouldn't add the genre at the end, it kind of comes off as lazy but the rest of the logline is perfect. you gave us everything we should be expecting to read and left us wondering what his "perfect demise" is going to be.

Great job.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Sounds like a lot of information for a logline, and to me, reads kind of confusing. It seems to read really fast, but I like the concept. I like the "suicidal" hit man part. And I always enjoy horror mixed with dark comedy.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Bring it on!!! (and simultaniously bring my crumby average up for this month)

You start out with a great title, full of tone, and continue this awesomeness throughout the logline :) Well Done!

This has got just enough of everything, characterisation, themes, plot, tone, clarity. I just can't find an area it's lacking in!

I'm sure you'll be criticised for labaling the script as "this darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir" at the end, but I think this is fair enough since the darkness of the idea could create a lot of confusion as to how you are going to approach the material. If I were a reader it wouldn't put me off at all.

"Excellent" :) I'm looking foreward to the first ten pages, I just hope it's not to silly and sticks to it's guns in being pitch black :) Well Done!

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

Title means nothing to me, I'm racking my head trying to figure out what in the world it can be referring to/about/meaning.

Logline is reasonably well written. I would really prefer to have it written in such a way that I understand the genres without being told, though I can see where that might be hard to do in this case.

I think combining the two sentences might have given the line more impact - Pursued by a psychopathic crime boss and the vengeful ghosts of his past kill, a suididal hit man is on the run as he searches for . . .

After reading it, title still doesn't make any sense or seem to have any relation to the story.

Story is strange - he's trying to stay alive so he can kill himself? Are the ghosts real or in his head? I can definitely see the potential for a dark comedy here. Not seeing how it would be noir, but I'm not very familiar with noir and may be missing something.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

The perfect demise to what? Himself or his foes? What is his obstacle in the film? If he wants to die, why are the crime boss and ghosts a threat? Intriguing premise. Perhaps your logline could be fine tuned a bit more so I, the reader, have a better understanding about the heroes journey.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I don't like the title that much. Truth be told (and I wanted to restrain myself but thinking it can't hurt) - it made me think of a pregnant lady giving birth in the middle of a night. Most probably just me.
The logline is clever and well written. Somehow it doesn't excite me as much. Hit man on the run - there are a few in this contest actually. This one is a comedy - which is good already. And it promises ghosts - I'm up for reading that... "darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir" - I have no idea what it is. Probably very good script but hard to tell.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I would go see this because this is my genre...but the logline is a bit clunky.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama and horror. Injecting noir aspects would be interesting. A comic touch might provide a respite to the heavy subject matter. The hit-man protagonist obviously has demons. All sorts of horrendous possibilities from a "psychopathic crime boss" antagonist.
Intrigued by the mention of a "darkly comic" bent. No indication in the description. A hint might be helpful. May not need to mention the genre as it would manifest itself in the story.
The title isn't obvious in the logline, but maybe it refers to the extraordinary efforts of the protagonist.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Yup. Sounds dark. Nailed the genre.

So, is he generally unsuccessful at killing himself? If so, that could be comedic, but you'll need to note that in the logline. "Man! I just keep trying to off myself, but I can't do it!" He keeps unintentionally killing bad guys instead of himself. That would be hilarious. But that's not in your logline, so I'm not sure where the comedy's actually going to come from.

You're going to need some fantastic side plots in order to keep this going, because an audience might not stay with this plot for a full movie. It sounds emotionally draining and/or boring unless it's spiced up. Is there a despondent love interest?

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Why is he looking for the perfect demise? If he's suicidal, why is he trying to dodge the crime boss? Seems like that would solve his problem.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't care for the title. I'm sure there will be plenty of people who tell you they love it, though. It's a subjective thing and I'm only giving you my opinion here.

This sounds like it could be really good. I like the concept... I also like that you've included information that tells so much about the character and story without using so many words...

The first sentence gives a ton of information about the protagonist.

The beginning of the second sentence tells us everything we need to know about the antagonist(s); the middle of the sentence gives us the journey, and the end gives us a really good idea of what we're in store for... Nicely done!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

"darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir" - huh? Most of this sounds pretty interesting but you totally lost me with that last part. Not only does it sound like a tongue twister but its pretty confusing. I had to read it a few times to sort of understand what you're trying to say. So is he looking for a way to kill himself? You say "the" perfect demise...might be better to say "his".

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

We've seen a lot of hit-men movies, but I like the idea of one being pursued by ghosts. I'm not sure how you'll handle it in the film though, maybe it would be better if through most of the film it was ambiguous whether he was just imagining it because of the stress of avoiding the crime boss (like Black Swan). From this logline it sounds as if the ghosts exist and are personified. You could pull this off but it would take a lot of work.

"darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir"
This is my opinion, but stating the genre in the logline breaks the reality of the story. The tone should be evident from the rest of the logline anyway.

Good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Very good. At first the suicidal hit-man running for his life sounds incongruous but it's clarified in the end with his search for the perfect demise.

Usually I'd avoid stating the genre but I think it works well in this case.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Not sure the title makes sense to me.
In regard to story line, have you ever seen 'In Bruges'? This is too close for comfort.
Not saying you paralleled your story after it, but you'd have your work cut out making it seem different from that one.
(If you haven't seen it, I would recommend it highly. Very funny, very dark.)

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: Not great. Comes over as a little pretentious and provokes images of pregnant women giving birth at night.

Logline: While this is well constructed and has as most of the elements in place (flawed protagonist, goal, obstacle, stakes)I'm not keen on the ending where you tell us what the triple genre is. This should really come over in the logline.

For example, I think the ghosts of his past kills is original and amusing and you should heighten this a bit more. And why is he failing to find the perfect demise? Are the ghosts hindering him? Give us some comedy in the logline and make it horrid rather than tell us.

I'm not hugely excited by this but I would take a look at the first ten pages.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

The idea is concise and to the point, but the entire premise of this piece is a contradiction. If the hit man wants to die, why is he on the run? It makes no sense.

There should be no need for the tag at the end indicating the genres this piece falls under. I got what you were going for before I read that, and after I read it I felt like you didn't think I was smart enough to figure it out on my own. If you have to tell me, then it isn't written correctly.

The title is confusing and hard to say. I know that sounds weird, but it just is. My brain just doesn't want to say "Labor to the Night." Also, not sure how it fits in with what was written in the logline.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Sounds quite interesting. I do feel your logline suffers from overkill, too many elements, little focus.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Unique and I suppose fits the tone of the story.

I wouldn't have known there were comedic elements here, even black ones, unless you told me. I think you should have included in the "darkly comic" and "horror" plot-points and tone instead of us relying on taking your word for it.

This definitely feels film-noir, which I like, but I wonder if we haven't seen this type of story before?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

There's a lot of noir language tossed together in this logline, and it leaves not much doubt that the writer is in their element.

I don't like that you had to spell out the genre in the logline; it read like salesmanship, when you want to disguise the selling in the writing. It also pretty clearly delineated the hierarchy of genres: this is horror and noir in equal amounts, with comic elements.

The problem is, the two actions in the story are so radically opposed to each other that I can't see this being taken seriously (i.e., comedy should trump all). He's SUICIDAL, and yet he's RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE. I can't square that. "Searching for the perfect demise" sounds like he wants to die in a specific way, but that's a truly bizarre set of stakes. And the title, honestly, sounds awful (maybe that's on purpose) and calls to mind childbirth, among other things.

Now, if this is a Zucker-brothers comedy, where the characters' action make really no sense at all, then I can accept this premise. But as is, it just seems like a mess, like Sin City in a car accident.

The elements are good ones, and the writing could be strong, but the logic needs to be elucidated more.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm guessing the title is a play on something, but unfortunately for me it comes across a little strange.

The premise of this has a lot of potential for dynamic scenes and I can see how it could be a distinctive movie.

As described I have a slight confusion around why a suicidal person would battle so hard to stay alive. I guess that makes me wonder about his motivations. Then it sounds like he actually seeks death in the end, so again it's twisted, perhaps deliberately.

With the crime boss and the ghosts it sounds like you have a double antagonist in mind. I wonder if that might ultimately muddy up the story.

The logline technique is okay, although I'm not sure about the last part that declares the detailed genre of what you have in mind.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Not a fan of the title.

The logline is good though. I know exactly what is going to happen. Who the main players are, and I'm interested to read more.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I loved this... until I read "ghosts of his past kills" and that almost ruined it for me. This is one of those ideas that would seem like something I'd write but I never thought of before.

I'm not too keen on the title and the idea of dark comedy with the logline you set up seems very odd but I can roll with it until I actually see something from this script.

Note: according to the rules/guidelines for loglines, you shouldn't be mentioning the genres involved, in the loglines. They should be clear from what you've written.

Very good.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I really like that you define the genre in the logline. You did it seemlessly. The first sentence is great. You give the perfect amount away. I am intrigued, and I want to know what happens. This was written very well.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I gave this a very good. Might have rated it Excellent if you'd only ditched the last nine words... "in this darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir" is what a film critic would use to describe it, this phrase does not contribute to the story.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: No idea what the heck that means. Almost anything would be better.

Logline: Yikes! What's with the "in this darkly comic hybrid of horror and noir"? You don't put that in a logline. If we can't tell FROM the logline what the genre(s) is/are, then the logline needs work.

As it is, you have some decent bones here. A simple rearranging will improve some of this:

After botching his last job, a suicidal hit-man is pursued by a psychopathic crime boss and the vengeful ghosts of his past kills.

Great start, but that's only the first half of the logline.

The problem you face is that in this scenario, his life, obviously, is the stakes. However, because your hit-man actually wants to die and there are people trying to kill him, you remove the tangible stakes. Yes, I KNOW he wants to choose his perfect demise, but that hardly seems enough of a difference to be called stakes all by themselves.

You gotta figure out the second half of the story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Hopefully the actual script is as goofy and fun as your logline sounds. I especially love the dude searching for a perfect demise, cool idea.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Title: It seems like you were trying too hard to make it sound catchy, which it is, but it also doesn't appear to make sense.

Grammar/Writing Style: Hit man doesn't have a dash in between hit and man. You may want to consider making this one sentence somehow.

Genre: You shouldn't have to directly tell your audience what the genre is.

Story: You start off with a contradiction in motivation. If the hit man is suicidal, why does he run from certain death? You need to consider using a word other than suicidal to describe this man. Other than that motivation factor, you appear to have a solid storyline.

Interest: A comedic take on this type of story sounds fascinating. I think I would like to see this.

Title: 0/1
Grammar/Writing Style: 1/2
Genre: 0/1
Story: 2/3
Interest: 3/3
Total: 6/10
Rating: Good

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Title makes me think of childbirth. If the protagonist is suicidal, not sure why he is on the run? Not sure if the 'perfect demise' is him killing himself, I guess I don't want to follow a character who is trying to kill himself. I like the horror-noir mix; adding comedy will require some mad skills. I think if protagonist is homicidal, instead of suicidal (maybe he does professional kills to support his hobby of being a serial killer), then I would be more interested.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

You certainly have my attention, and I'm certainly willing to read the screenplay. Just see what others think about the mention of genre. I don't think it's necessary, but that's just me. Ending it with "he searches for his own perfect demise" should be enough.

Regardless, this is definitely something I'm interested in.

Most importantly, have fun writing this - seems like you'll have a blast doing so!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2011 12:33 AM

I thought this was really intriguing and I'm sorry it's not going on to the next round.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2011 5:56 AM

Me too, even more so now I know it's yours. Is this written yet? I'd love to read it.

Jem Rowe (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2011 7:54 AM

Although it wasn't quite perfect, I gave this one an "Excellent" because I so badly wanted to read it :( Alas, it looks like that won't be happening.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2011 8:29 AM

Thanks all.

I knew including the genre was a gamble going in, and actually went back and forth with my pal Cornetto about that very issue. Myself, I considered the genre-bending a selling point, but he warned me off it.

I ultimately (stubbornly) decided to leave it in as a sort of experiment, to determine how many actually objected to its inclusion.

I figured even if it did not move forward, it would produce a nice cross-sample survey to find out, and a lesson I (or other MP'ers) could put in my pocket moving forward. But a tiny tsk-tsk does go to those who cite it as an unbreakable rule -- as if there is some such edict in a mystical book of rules.

As for the title, I was appalled at how many immediately thought of childbirth. I mean, appalled that it never occurred to me. That is a very fair and useful crit. The title actually comes from the Bible, somewhere, though I forget exactly where to find it.

Cheers to those who "got it", and fair play to those who did not. It is a story I am currently working on, though I do regret the lack of time pressures to help keep me honest. (I will let you know, Martin, when something worth looking at emerges, thanks.)