Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

Title:
Great! Concise, conjures up everything you need.

Logline:
Very good logline. You have this issue of failure, and something major causing the need for a heart transplant. The redemption aspect. all very good. It gives you enough to want to keep reading.

Abel Zerai (Level 2)

Very interesting premise. I understand the struggle for the doctor but what is making her journey frightening? Are people or media saying that she may have failed in the operation room to save herself? Is the family involved making her fall into this self-discovery learning that the woman she failed to save was a philanthropist of some sort?(Many possibilities). Reveal a little more information and this will become a better story as well...at least for the reader.

Adam Roper (Level 2)

First off, I like the title. It's got the potential for multiple meanings, and it sounds like that comes into play. I like the story idea. It's a complicated situation for a person to find herself in, and it'll be very interesting to see her inner struggles manifested throughout the movie. Overall, sounds like a great idea, and I'm curious to see how you visually express what she's going through.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Okay, this is a great plot. This can work even without high stakes. But you need to make clear how the journey is going to be frightening.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I really like the title! I like the juxtaposition of success and failure right in your opening phrase (though it may be unintentional). I'd be a little concerned about the coincidence of someone's doctor being in such desperate need for a new heart that she'd be on the top of the list for the next donor. I don't know that a doctor in that desperate a medical state would be functioning perfectly well on the job. Something to think about. You've got a good start here.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

SUMMARY:
Great story idea. But I have a hard time imagining how you would show it on a screen.

TITLE:
Strong short title. Short. Suggests something being brought back to life.

GENRE:
Golden Fleece, epic mythical journey of self-discovery, psychological drama.

Targeted probably to an older female audience.

STORY:
This logline suggests inner conflict, something novels are better at. There is irony in the fact that she gets to live because of her failure as a professional. I like the conflict of interest it suggests. I can also imagine the struggle the doctor must be going through. Did she unconsciously fail on purpose to save her own life, or did she really do her best to save the patient?

It makes for a very enticing story.

The problem is I can't see how you would visualize all that on a screen.

WRITING:
Very well-written, short and pronounceable.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: I like it. Simple and to the point.

Story: Why does the doctor need to redeem herself? Doctors lose patients all the time.

I like the premise but it feels incomplete. The doctor's goal of redemption isn't specific. I can't visualize how she will accomplish this.

Craft: I don't understand the doctor's goal. A few more details would help.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Good title. Interesting concept. Well written logline.

I have a little hesitation though, and it stems from one seeming logical hole...

If the doctor failed to save this patient, that means she is healthy enough to practice medicine. But to receive that particular heart, she would be sick enough to A) be on the transplant list (the top of the list), and B) need the heart ASAP because they can't keep organs that long before transplanting them (I want to say several hours). So I have reservations for how you will explain this in your story, but the logline is well crafted. Very good.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is appropriate for the story you've laid out.

The genre is cloudy. Drama, suspense, thriller, horror? We don't have enough information here to tell for sure.

The protagonist is clearly identified, as are some of her obstacles, but we don't know her ultimate goal, who the antagonist is, whether or not she has any allies, etc...

This is more of a premise than a logline. A logline should be a succinct summary of the script, but this is just the premise of the script. Had you included some details of her struggle for redemption or frightening journey of self-discovery, then it'd be closer. As it's written right now though, we have no real way of knowing whether or not your story is enough to fill the pages of a feature length script or whether it will be a compelling story or not simply because we don't have enough information to base an opinion on.

Bryce Feeser (Level 2)

Not bad. There is a structure and frame to follow. It tells me what I need to know without being completely ambiguous. The title is a bit much, it makes sense, but is too I don't know in your face about what is to come. Tone it back to possibly something in the self discovery part. Other than that you have a solid foundation.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think the story sounds fascinating and the logline is well-written. Although - I think it would be better to lose the 'successful' - it contradicts the second bit, somehow.

Not quite so enthusiastic about the title!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Weird my review for another logline landed on this. Well I'm glad I caught it.

Hmmm... Damn this isn't half bad, but the problem is the premise. There's no way a surgeon would be cutting anyone if he needed a heart. That is a highly stressful job and would kill him. And if the patient just died the heart would have to be transplanted immediately. The logline isn't bad, but the idea needs work. I can see how, with some effort you could have a good one.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Cool title.

The first problem for me, is that it is hard to imagine a situation in which a doctor would end up with their own patient's heart.

Putting that aside, I'm not sure what this "frightening journey of self-discovery" entails - it is too vague. Where is the hook?

This story might be great, but without a few more details, I can't tell.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's vague; I'd like some more about this "frightening" journey or how she's struggling for redemption.

As for the hook, I don't think it's bad, but I'm too analytical and way overthinking it--so I haven't give you the very top marks. Very Good.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

I like it, I'm just wondering a bit more about what the 'journey of self-discovery' is about. It seems a little vague, and I can't tell the genre from the words. At first it sounds like a powerful drama, but the word 'frightening' makes me think of it as a horror movie, like the patient's heart is haunted. Both would be really cool, but I'm just left wondering which it is.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I know you can figure out a way to make almost anything plausible for a Hollywood movie (or script), but a transplanted heart has to be removed from a living body and transplanted into another human in no more than three or four hours. It would be a challenge to have a doctor fail to save a life, and then somehow have that doctor almost immediately require a heart transplant. But, I guess the patient could be "brain dead" and kept alive long enough for the doctor to need a heart transplant.

But it is a set-up, so it does that much. Other than she feels a need for redemption, you're not giving us any hint what the story is about. "...a frightening journey of self-discovery.", is vague and nearly meaningless without more to go on.

You may have a story that I would like to see, but your logline is letting it down, so I don't know.

Good luck.

David Birch (Level 5)

there were only two things that kept this from getting a top score...first, the title...it just didn't "grab" me...it's not horrible...just not snappy...you might want to think about doing something that would be a play on words...for instance, "revival" instead of "revived"...there are probably more out there...the second would be the "frightening journey"...give me just a little hing of what that might be...i do like the tight delivery, but i think you have a little wiggle room to add to it just a tad...but a really good job...good luck with the vote...

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Very Good

Logline: Good but need more info, more specific action. What happens? Does she wake up from the surgery in love with her patient's spouse? Does she keep running into the family and they threaten her? Or worse, they mistake her for the patient? Is she being sued by the family? I really like the theme here, but I need more info on what I'm going to see. What's going to happen?

Ed Jones (Level 4)

I am not quite won by a story which appears to be solely a self-questioning of motives: did I really try hard enough to save that patient's life? And 'struggle for redemption' seems a false characterization of the doctor's (surgeon's?) probable state of mind. Why not simple sense of guilt?
I think there needs to be another adversary. Perhaps 'the patient whose life she failed to save' was no mere stranger? Perhaps there is a connection to her psychoanalyst?

Elissa Santo (Level 2)

I really like this. It's concise, intriguing and unique. The only thing I might take issue with is to expand a little more on the "frightening journey of self-discovery." I think it might be a bit too vague, and I might want a clue as to why it is frightening. Not much more to say because I think it's really very good. Also, dig the title...double entendre!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Heavy on the drama but that’s okay with me. I like it! Excellent job.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I think you've come up with an excellent premise. Not so keen on your title though. It isn't attention grabbing - and somehow I'd stress the idea of a "heart". "Successful" doesn't add much to the description. "A doctor battles self doubts after receiving a heart transplant from a patient she failed to save." says it all.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the title, it instantly says this will be a drama. The logline is concise but is maybe a little too vague. I assume she receives criticism for accepting a heart from a patient she failed to save, but who is the criticism coming from, who is the antagonist? I also think it is better to include the characters name.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This is a story that has been done - but the doctor angle is new, so the characters must be really strong to carry it off. I do wonder what the circumstances are that a patient dies and her doctor immediately needs a heart transplant. I like the title.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked the concept and the premise, but somehow it didn't wow me.

The first part of the sentence is very good, it's a high concept. Reminds me of "The Eye" but this is more like a drama/thriller.

The second part is where I feel has problems. I wanted to know more about what you mean by "frightening journey of self-discovery". These are vague terms and I want more visual verbs and nouns. Did something actually happen that makes her journey frightening? Is she going to lose her mind?

Fixing that will lift this up higher for me.

VERY GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like it. I like the first half a bit more. The second is a little vague. I just feel like you may be able to give more detail about her self-discovery.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I really like this. I REALLY like that it's a "frightening" journey of self discovery. It reminds me of Black Swan (even though I wasn't the biggest fan) but hopefully this'll be better. Nice set up, and great execution.

I kind of wish you explained WHAT she does in her discovery, but overall this was a well put together logline.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Although I really like this logline and concept, I must say I find the title a little on the bland side. However, the loglie itself steals an easy "very good", I can't believe this hasn't been done, there's so much drama and conflict in just the concept alone, I think you've really struck gold. The one part I'm not so keen on is "her struggle for redemption leads to a frightening journey of self-discovery". The struggle for redemption part is fine, but I'd prefer if you were more specific on this journey of self-discovery. I know it's hard to be specific when talking about a mostly internal drama (which I think is what this script would be), but some connection to the physical journey would really improve the concept in its logline form, even if you use relatively small plot point in the script it would be worth mentioning something just to bring the logline something the reader can visualise.

Love this one, "Very Good" like I said, I do hope you continue to the next round. Well Done :) Keep Writing!!!

John Piazza (Level 2)

The TITLE has relevancy to the storyline and that's good - I think you could have racked your brain for something a bit more powerful and eye-catching. Your LOGLINE is clear, concise and grammatically correct - all good. The one problem I have is the time factor: Organs, as far as I know, do not have a very long shelf life which means the doctor's failure to save this patient's life would have had to have occurred in close proximity to when she needed the heart transplant - she would have had to be operating with a bad ticker - if I'm wrong, my apologies. My only other comment is a suggestion: give us a couple of interesting traits about the doctor and find a few more words that raise the stakes and stress the urgency.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The title seems bland and too direct, but the Logline is well written. I can't say that the premise really grabs me, but it does have enough to make me think about what exactly is the journey she'll go on and what kind of self-discovery will she make. I think that there is where the problem lies - The reason why the movie will be worth watching is hardly explained. A frightening journey of self discovery is something that happens in alot of films. Rephrasing this with a bit of added detail as to the frightening aspects of the journey and the self discovery would create a hook that is sure to grab attention. Good job overall.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Interesting premise, but I'd like a bit more insight into this "frightening journey" before I fully invest myself into your movie. What kind of self discovery are we talking about here? Is this a hard core drama, psychological thriller, horror, or fantasy film? I didn't catch the tone of your film from the logline.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

To me it's a good idea but I don't know if you'll be able to turn it into a feature length.

Also seems like she'll remember a lot of her past patients who she just used... - I don't even feel for her... Your have a negative hero perhaps, which is okay.

Also looks like she didn't save the patient on purpose to use his heart. Might be a very good screenplay but I do think you need a stronger hook in your logline.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I am not 100% crazy about the title but this sounds like an interesting movie! Giving a very good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama. Compelling conflict as the doctor protagonist struggles with coming to terms with her life, at the expense of the patient's death. Since she knows the patient, might be some unique feelings and personality changes that occur giving the doctor the sense that she has absorbed some of the patient's traits; perhaps the "frightening journey" is a hint. Certainly the doctor and patient have families, and those relationships might add to the conflict.
The logline is well written, and the story's intriguing.
The title is perfect.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Sweet setup. You've given us Act 1, which is totally awesome, but I have no idea what's going to happen in Act 2 or Act 3. This logline hints at future promise but only delivers a portion of the story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

I like the basic premise. I'm having a hard time picturing a doctor in need of a new heart performing surgery, though. If there's an accident that damages her heart shortly after her patient dies, that should be included here.

I'm also wondering what she did that requires redemption? Losing one patient? Doctors lose patients... Is this her first time? Changing the descriptive from "successful" to something that indicates the flaw she needs to overcome would help...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I like it. Great title, good story idea and pretty decent logline. I'd like to read more of this one. Best of luck!!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the irony of the doctor surviving because their patient died, there'll be some interesting drama and moral issues to be dealt with in the script.

I wish there was some more detail about her journey of self-discovery. I can understand that after failing to save this patient she's trying to redeem herself professionally and emotionally, but something more will have to happen to make it frightening, some sort of revelation about who she is.

Good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I like the concept of someone receiving the heart of a person whose life they were responsible for. I think, for me though, the detailed premise for your story is too unrealistic to be plausible, and therefore I don't think it is effective in making me want to read further. I'm sure there would be some medical "conflict of interest" that wouldn't allow a doctor to be treating someone whose heart they would receive if that person died. I would also think that if the doctor was that close to death that this person's heart became hers, she would be too ill to be practicing medicine. I also think the the struggle and journey she faces after the transplant is described in too general a way to grab me. Again, I do like the concept for the main character. Perhaps there would be another way to make the heart recipient responsible for the donors death.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title is ok and fits with the logline well, hints a little at horror perhaps and is not too inspiring.

'her struggle for redemption leads to a frightening journey of self-discovery.' - what does this actually mean? it's frustratingly vague and ambiguous as if the author doesn't rally know what the story is about.

I'm afraid the story idea doesn't grab me and the logline is weak.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I really love the title. It holds some spooky connotations behind it, and I think it works out great for your story.

Your logline raises a few questions for me, that I'm sure reading the script would answer. I'm curious to see when exactly this doctor receives the heart transplant. Is it shortly after failing to save this patient? And, though I doubt it based on your logline, did the doctor purposely fail to save the patient so she could receive the heart transplant?

Hopefully, I'll get to read the first ten pages in the next round so I can see some of the doctor's self-discovery.

Good job.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

This is a touchy one. The premise is good, but not very believable. The timeframe between the death of a patient and the transplant recipient is around six hours as they want the organ to be as fresh as possible (I Googled this, you should too). In reality, the doctor would have to fail to save the life of the patient, then be prepped for surgery herself--assuming she is at the top of a very long waiting list. Not to mention all the ethical questions this would raise. How does anyone know that the doctor didn't murder the patient just to get the heart? And even if she were at the top of the list, I doubt she'd be able to work if she needed a heart that badly.

Just some things to consider.

Nikki Riles (Level 2)

What's the journey? You don't really give an indication that there is an overarching plot here. HOW is she going to find redemption? It's an interesting situation and I feel like it could spark an interesting story but your logline is vague on the details that would really make the idea come alive.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I like this one. I'd like to know what a journey of self-discovery is. Because of this I'm still not sure what the movie is about. It's about a doctor who received a heart transplant, but what does she do throughout the whole movie? Redemption is a bit vague term. What did she discover?

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Too many vague terms, not visual at all. You start strong but then the cake sinks in.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Fits the story, and I suppose can be literal and figurative.

I appreciate the drama and conflict you're aiming for, but this pushes my levels of credulity. The odds seems astronomical that a doctor would fail to save a patient, end of needing a heart transplant, then that aforementioned patient being a match and being the donor of the heart that will save the doctor. I concur, coincidences like this occur in real life, but it feels a little forced here.

The remainder of the logline feels like generic drama: struggling for redemption, journeys of self-discovery, etc.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a great set-up. The doctor becomes the patient, and not only that, she's got a mountain of karmic guilt slapped on her right from the start. This could really shape up into a hard-hitting drama.

Unfortunately, the entire second half of the sentence tells me nothing. "struggle for redemption" "frightening journey" and "self-discovery" are nebulous, Hallmark-esque descriptors for generic drama. What does she do? What specifically happens to her? You have to make your movie stand out, and these phrases make it sound like you don't know what the movie is going to be about.

It's a good title and a very good start, but you need a second half to complete this logline; otherwise, I don't know what the story really is.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is pretty good and works with your concept, but I find myself wondering if there is another way to get the concept into the title.

The premise is very strong and feels like a good next step on from other films involving people meeting the transplant beneficiaries. I have a slight nagging doubt around the fact that as described the story seems like an internalized conflict for that one character.

The logline technique is pretty good, but following on from my previous comment I guess I'd like a hint of what the frightening journey will involve and what will make up the physical conflict on screen.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yes.

2) Do I know what to expect? This one has an odd tone coming off it that could be very good, but I worry that it stretches the bounds of credibility. The only way this scenario could occur is if the doctor went from one surgery straight into their own surgery, and at the very least, I would think a conflict of interest would prevent this scenario. Unless this takes place in the future or something, it could not happen, but you do not say anything about when this takes place.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? The main character has a very compelling conflict at the core of this story, but her goal is very ill-defined. Redemption does not seem to fit the situation, and self-discovery is difficult to pitch. We need to know what this doctor really needs, and how she intends to go about getting it.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? With the premise straining credibility right out of the gate, this one is impossible to predict.

5) Do I want to read the script? I would check out the opening pages, curious as to how this bizarre scenario played out, and if it worked, I might continue.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Too vague for me. I want to know what this frightening journey is all about. What is frightening about it? Why does she need redemption? Is she feeling a lot of guilt for losing the patient. If she is a successful doctor, would her career be on hold, if she was so ill that she needed a heart transplant? Would she even be practicing medicine if she was that ill?

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I'm not too sure on this one. It has an air of "The Eye" in it, but there isn't enough detail given to make a good assessment.

For example, you mention a frightening journey. What happens along the journey? Does the doctor encounter the memories of the person who died?

It's a shame that not enough detail is given, because I could see this as being one of the better ones.

Based on the premise and hope for more explanation...

Very good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Good job. Nice concise summary, and the protagonist sounds interesting. The only suggestion I would make is "frightening journey of self-discovery" is a little vague.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Not very inventive. You can do better.

Logline: The logline starts out with promise. Unfortunately, it ends the way so many others do... ambiguous. "Her struggle for redemption leads to a frightening journey of self-discovery" doesn't tell me anything at all about the story.

Plus, you have to contend with one very real problem in the concept: If the doctor didn't save her life, then she died. The chances that the doctor is on a heart waiting list and gets this patient's heart moments after she/he dies on the table... it's just too much to be believed. A really tough sell.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

What makes this journey frightening? Shouldn't self-discovery be uplifting? I'm not saying it can't be frightening, but if you're gonna call it that you should say why. And wouldn't it be a bit of a conflict of interest for a heart doctor to be operating on heart-related patients? Because this exact situation could happen?

Tyler Andersen (Level 2)

I like the concept but I think it needs a new title.

It definitely could be an awesome and motaviating movie

if it was done right. I would like to see the script to get

a better understand of it.

Hopefully you will make it to round two so I can

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Title is not compelling for me. Being revived is passive. The idea of a doctor getting the heart of a patient she worked on is an interesting premise. Obviously she would need to discover the donor later in the film: if she had worked on the patient and knew she was getting that person's heart it would raise a mountain of ethical questions. I don't understand what a 'frightening journey of self-discovery' is. It does not sound interesting: I think that phrase needs some fleshing out. The LL has a decent hook, but is a little passive and unclear.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 1:36 AM

A VG from me. Thought this story idea was terrific.