Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

title:
Interesting title. The familiarity makes you comfortable, so points for that.

Logline:
This is too rambling for a logline. Needs to be trimmed to be more accessible and interest piquing. On to the story- It looks like it got truncated, but I'll go with what you have. Elements of this idea feel kinda stale. Badboy career waning comes back to small town and presumably falls in love (it's stated that it's a romcom). that's concerning, so unless there's a really original take somewhere, that's not too interesting. The idea of the school being saved seems a bit specious-- but perhaps could be funny-- seems like an Adam Sandler vehicle a decade too late.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

You seem to put to version of your logline. I don't know why you did this, but it's confusing. Too many proper names, I would like to know more about the story than about the characters.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Your logline didn't fit, it was truncated, that is how long it was. I think you accidentally added the start of the synopsis.

It confused me.

How is some one going to rescue a school from closure by acting in a play?

This is just back-story, and one that is hard to believe. Since I could now read your synopsis, it is apparently a romantic comedy. This is not clear from either the title or the logline. The real story is apparently some love story, but there isn't any romance to be found in the text you submitted.

Nativity plays... Jekyll and Hyde...

I have no idea what your story will be about.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: I like it. It reminds me of Christmas.

Story: I like the story of redemption at Christmas. It has a lot potential once you clean up your logline.

Craft: It's as if you wrote the same logline twice and proofread it.

No hyphen in "rerun".

Do not tell us the genre. Remove the sentence, "Hark the Herald Angel is a romantic comedy."

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I think there is a misunderstanding of what a logline is. You started well with the first sentence, it needs just a little glimpse into what challenges he faces (like adding the final sentence to the first), and voila, you have a very good logline. But you included a synopses, well part of it before it got cut-off. That's how you would query a producer, but for a logline contest it doesn't go over so well. The idea sounds funny. You mentioned it is a romantic comedy, but other than that gave no indication that it was one, so I suggest putting something in the logline about the person the romance centers around.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is okay, but I do think it could be improved upon. In the song, Hark is not the Angel's name, but if that's what you're going for here, then a comma, colon or hyphen would be necessary after the word Hark. If you are just trying to mimick the first line of the song, then an exclamation point. Either way, I think some punctuation would clarify it a bit.

You identify the protagonist as well as his goal and some allies, but then commit a grave faux pas by coming right out and telling us the genre. There's redundancy here as well, which is unfortunate because if you hadn't repeated yourself, you may not have run out of characters and been able to squeeze everything you were trying to say in to your entry. There's no mention of an antagonist or any of the obstacles he will have to overcome in order to bust out of his slump. The genre is not at all conveyed in the tone of the logline since it's not funny and there's no mention of a love interest. Because you ran out of characters, your last sentence is incomplete and unpunctuated.

As for the story, it might be okay. It's hard to tell because all we're really getting here is the premise. From what's written, it's impossible to tell what the script will be about because everything in this logline will probably happen in the first 20-30 pages of the script.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Oh dear - I think you must have exceeded the limit of characters!

However, the journey unleashes the Jekyll and Hyde in Danny's cha?

You could EASILY cut this by about half, anyway.

Hark the Herald Angel is a romantic comedy. WHY repeat the title and tell us the genre?

Your first sentence is fine but then you choose to repeat and embroider it in the last two.

Slash and burn and this logline could be very good.

I think there's just been a film about a nativity play, hasn't there?

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

The logline is a bit repetitive, and suffered near the end because of the length. I'm taking a guess that "cha" was supposed to be "character", and I hope that was the last part and nothing else got cut off. I did get the idea, though, and that's the important part. It's different and I like the originality. It has great potential to be very funny.

Charles Martin (Level 2)

Sounds Intriguing. It brings to mind the song Danny boy. Oh Danny boy the Hark the Herald Angel is calling. Returning to ones roots can be quite the shocker tho let me tell you. I myself tried returning to my roots back in 72 and found out my roots was more like the red weed in war of the worlds, It spread out everwhere. I am every race,color,ethnicity you could imagine. I am the worlds qinessintel Mutt.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This is way too much detail. You want to give enough to entice a read, but not too much to dissuade a read, like Rom-Com.

Cha? I think you actually ran out of space. Why would a disreputable person want to keep a school open. Where the chic? If this is a rom-com it needs a couple and you only mention one person. All kinds of reasons not to read. Tighten and trim, give us a logline. Keep working on it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title and great story.

However the logline is a bit of a mess. The first line is great. Lose the second line. Combine the last parts into a new second line that describes the obstacles in Danny's path to salvation (as it is now you ran out of room).

The good new is, I love this story, but work on the logline to make it just as awesome as the story.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It looks like you've got two attempts here; and I'm going to rate them as such.

[disreputiable--rom. comedy] This one is bland and dry like a youngster's book report.

[Hollywood...] I like how it tells more than it reports, but it really needs polished down to the quick.

My suggestions and random thoughts:
--stick with the first's sentence format, but use this one's verbage.
--in this case using the name smartens up your title (usually I'm anti-ficitional names)
--finalities like 'English roots' are more director/producer choices than a vital aspect of such a story; I'd omit it for economy's sake--unless it's a historical piece.
--you run out of time, but I don't see the romantic part in either attempt...

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Makings of a good title. Think I'd change it to 'Hark the Herald Actor sings' , as a play on the carol.

The pitch could be worded better and we should be able to work out it is a romantic comedy by the story itself. Not sure how the play itself will save his career unless it is to portray him in a new light, which could work. If this is a romantic comedy we need to know about the woman involved.

The idea has potential but depends on the woman he is trying to win and why she would not just fall for him because he is a movie star. That should be at the heart of a romantic comedy. Not sure the audience will be sympathetic with a movie star unlucky in love.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

You could probably get rid of those first two sentences (plus, you don't really want to tell us that it's a romantic comedy; we'll get that idea from the logline), so you don't run out of room, as I assume that's what happened at the end. I really like the plot, sounds perfect for a romantic comedy, and the title is pretty cool, too. There's just too much going on with this logline.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

My guess is that you ran out of time with this logline. And that's too bad because it looks like a pretty good story.

In my opinion you should have dropped: "A disreputable movie star returns home to save his old school from closure by appearing in a re-run of the nativity play with his former childhood friends. Hark the Herald Angel is a romantic comedy."

And started the logline at: "Hollywood bad boy Danny Angel's career is waning...", and that probably would have given you enough space to finish it. The first sentence is redundant anyway.

Anyway I can see the story here and I'd like to read the first ten pages.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Great title. This can easily be a "Miss Congeniality" type title that tells so much about the story that it falls into the "perfect title" category, except, I can't tell from the logline if that's going to happen.

Logline: It lookd like your logline got cut off. Did you copy and paste it from something else? For what you have here, you don't cover enough of the elements to hook me. I knew from the first line that it's a comedy, and if you had mentioned the romance, I'd know it was a romantic comedy. I'm really stuck with this review because of the part that got cut off...

Story: Argh! I don't know, because the whole thing isn't here. :(

Ed Jones (Level 4)

You have the makings of something here that promises to be good. But...what happened? You set it up twice then on the second run halt halfway through a word.
I hope you do not give up on this idea -- perhaps the next logline contest?
I like the title having the character's name in it.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

What happened to the end of this logline? The logline is run-on and gives us too much information. Only provide the basic story information in a logline, just enough so the reader wants to know more.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

Something is off here. I don't know if this is an accident or not. It's cut off at the end. The first part is repeated. The parts that are complete sentences are well written, but I don't know if there was a mistake here or not, so I don't think I should make any criticisms here.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

It's a good idea and I can see Hugh Grant playing the part. The title is a clever play on the main character's name. However, the logline is so long it got cut off and yet we still don't know who is his love interest. The first sentence and the third sentence are repetitive so one or the other should be eliminated. This reads more like a synopsis than a logline.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

oops - this has potential if it doesn't get too cliche. I think the title works, it could be a fun Christmas romcom, and I am interested to read more.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Oh man, you really have to check your submission. You have essentially said the same thing twice and you ran out of space for the entire logline.

It's a good setup with a waning star going back to hometown to save his old school. But what are the obstacles and who/what are the antagonist? Jekyll and Hyde? I thought this is a drama and now it's a fantasy/comedy?

Unfortunately, this might be explained later on in the logline, but it's cut out short and I can't give you a higher score.

FAIR.

Jamie Collins (Level 3)

Too long for a logline. It's more of a synopsis. It's long and incomplete, the ending is cut off.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I'm confused by this one because to me it seems like the first sentence alone can be a logline and that one would be good. Then you have a sentence announcing the genre which seems out of place. Then what appears to be a second logline with a little more detail.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

What is a cha? Is that a typo or did you mean chi? I ask because it seems like a word that was not finished because of the missing period.

This was as if you had two loglines for the same script. Why explain it twice? I think you got mixed up between a logline and synopsis. You should have read more past entries before entering this one.

- You shouldn't tell us what the genre is in your logline. It should just be known through the text.

- You say this is a romantic comedy but where is the girl? That's who you forgot to add in.

- "unleashes the Jekyll and Hyde" This doesn't really tell us what the story is about. There isn't anything that leaves me interested in your logline. If you had just written the first sentence, and then added something like:

"-- but when his ex girlfriend shows up, Danny really shows why he's been banned from playing in any more movies" Not that exactly, but you get my drift. Give us a reason to want to read more.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

It's such a pity, the first line is so good, you could have more or less left it at that and stolen a very good from me, but then you just didn't stop. It even seems the end of your logline is cut short when it's already way too much.

"Hark the Herald Angel is a romantic comedy." - You don't need to tell us this, your logline should show it through tone instead.

"A return to his English roots to help save his primary school from closure, by reprising his first-ever role in the school's nativity play, is seen as his path to salvation." - Surely you already told us this in your first sentence, why tell us again?

I think you've got a great idea here, but you should have looked up the basicform of a logline, and read a bunch, before writing your own.

Great title by the way :)

John Piazza (Level 2)

The TITLE is pretty good as it relates to the story you want to tell. Your LOGLINE is much too long - it's more like a mini synopsis, but it does have some good points, and also some bad. The good is that you establish a definitive protagonist with a distinct problem to overcome and the stakes are reasonably high. Now for the bad: Never tell the reader what genre your script is - that should be inherent in the tone and thus need no explanation; is it Danny who sees this as his " path to salvation "? We don't need the last line - even the character count didn't allow it. How would his acting in the play save the school from closure? If it's a romantic comedy, who is the love interest? The logline has too much information. Maybe something like this: A celebrated Hollywood "Bad Boy" returns to perform in his primary school's play to save both the school and his career, resulting in chaos... Hey, I tried.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Um.. this seems like two loglines to me. I don't think you need the first sentence. It seems repetitive, and would allow for you to finish your last sentence. I am not sure I understand the correlation between the actors return home and the unleashing of a Jekyll and Hyde. Is there something in Danny's past that causes this, or is he having a mental breakdown. What are the stakes for him? Why does he care about his school, and what will it mean to him if it closes. More clarification in your logline could draw in more readers.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's incomplete and that's because you went over 500 word limit. One thing you could do - take out "Hark The Herald Angel is a romantic comedy" completely. --the way it comes in the middle...--not effective and not many would like that. I think you could start with Hollywood bad boy... - I think this is a mistake. The logline would be good without the first part. Obviously you copy pasted the wrong paragraph and hasn't paid further attention what you copy pasted and submitted.
You seem like you know what you're writing about...
Hard to rate this one for this issues but seems like you have another good logline in your file and this is just a mistake.

Kirk White (Level 5)

looks like you ran out of room on this one. an interesting concept and one that deserves furthur exploration. The tricky part is that not being able to condense it into the allotted 500 characters, doesn't inspire confidence in the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama. Love the protagonist's name and the definite connection with the title. His movie star occupation, some possible glitz and glamour, could provide a wealth of visual material. Coming to terms with a waning career is an intriguing internal struggle. Coping with a less-than-stellar reputation is an interesting external force; curious what kind of trouble he's been in. All sorts of possibilities. The primary school location and return to his childhood will likely inject emotion that any audience could relate to.
Love the story idea; all the relevant information is included in the logline. The composition needs some tweaking. "A disreputable movie star" and "Hollywood bad boy" are the same. Rather like the snappy wording of the second choice. The "Jekyll and Hyde" reference may be a given, considering the hint of his bad behavior. Probably not necessary to mention the romantic comedy genre. The drama is evident, and hopefully there's some comedy respite. A romantic interest could surface as a subplot.
Terrific title. A perfect fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A couple problems. One, the logline got cut off at the end, so I don't know what happens from there on out. Second, you waste valuable words describing the genre: we should be able to figure out the genre from the way in which you write the logline. Third, the first sentence is a decent logline, but then what follows reads more like an extended synopsis.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Oh, I feel bad for you! This cuts off mid-word! It must have run over the character limit!

It sounds like a really fun idea, too.

It's a good practice to pull up what you've entered several times after you enter so you can proof what's there.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Don't know what the heck happened here. You repeated yourself and then ran out of room to finish. Too bad, it sounded pretty funny.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There are two versions of the logline here. One starting with "A disreputable..." and one starting with "Hollywood bad boy...", and then you run out of space.

Cut out the "Hark the Herald Angel is a romantic comedy" in the middle and which ever version you're not going to use.

I like the first version, because it's simpler. Maybe add in the waning career idea to the first one as some motivation, helping establish the idea that he's trying to redeem himself and his character.

Neither loglines mention the romantic aspect. You could add that to the end of the first one quite easily: "...former childhood friends, including the adjective name, who he quickly falls in love with".

I will overlook the pasting error. This sounds like an interesting film, the Hollywood lifestyle clashing with a small-time nativity play. Good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I liked the title. It has a nice subtle, double edge to it.
The format of what you have done is odd. I am not sure you should state directly what genre the script is, but even so, it feels like you have repeated yourself with the same logline before and after the genre statement. The second half just repeats with a little more info. You could have left out everything before "Hollywood bad boy..." and it would have worked.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: Christmassy. Could be any genre. Not original. Doesn't grab my interest.

Logline: Well, this was obviously not checked after submitting as it is unfinished.

It also repaeats itself - I think there are two runs at the crafting of this here and it has been unedited.

I'm afraid the lack of care and attention to detail detracts from anything else. Shame because the idea of a Hollywood performing in a primary school play is quite humorous.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I like how the title works on multiple levels by including the last name of your main character.

I think you definitely need to tighten up your logline, as I can't even see how your last sentence ends. You could honestly start your logline with the third sentence which would clear up a lot more room for you. Because, in essence, you've said almost the same thing in two different sentences.

I also have a few other concerns about your story in general. I'm not exactly sure how a washed-up movie star's appearance at a school would really help. Granted, people might go just to see him, but I think it'd be better if his career weren't waning. Also, you've mentioned that this is a romantic comedy in one sentence, and in the last, you bring in a Jekyll and Hyde type of scenario. Is this going to be a dark romantic comedy?

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Lose everying after the first sentence and you would have had an "Excellent" rating. What comes after that is not needed. I'm interested enough as it is, but the rest just takes me out of the story by givng too much information.

I'm not sure if the character limit cut your entry off, or if it is that I'm from Missouri, USA, but what is a "cha?" Is it supposed to be character?

Nikki Riles (Level 2)

It looks like your logline got cut off there at the end. Also it seems a bit long for a logline. The first line sounds like a good start and from there I just need another line to tell me where the conflict is going to come from. It looks like you were starting to explain that part in the line that got cut off. So for my 2 cents, cut out all of the middle bit and just finish that last line. "A disreputable movie star returns home to save his old school from closure by appearing in a re-run of the nativity play with his former childhood friends. However, the journey unleashes the Jekyll and Hyde in his--" however you were going to end that sentence.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

You had a logline, than you add too much to it, a genre explanation and a small synopsis. You should have stuck with your first sentence.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Seems appropriate for your story.

There sounds like there's the makings of a good story here, but parts of this logline feel rushed, some parts are repetitive, some feel out-of-order, and the last word, which I'm assuming is supposed to be "character" is cut-off at "cha," and might prove to be a fatal blow in you advancing.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a strange one - the first sentence, while not perfect, encapsulates most of the story, although without obstacles, it seems like a pretty tame story. The first sentence alone is a complete logline.

Everything that follows only detracts, and is in a a bit of disarray. The second sentence is downright awkward. You should never have to flat out state the genre, and certainly not in the middle of a paragraph. Kill that sentence and you lose nothing. The third sentence tells us only Danny's name and that his career's dying, but "bad-boy" is already mentioned. The fourth sentence again repeats the action of the first, only with more detail and motivation, which incidentally, is weirdly passive - it's seen as his "path of salvation", by who, exactly? Why would he do this unbidden? It cuts off at the end (probably the 500 character mark) and unfortunately, right when you start to make the story interesting. It's too bad I'll never find out more about Danny's character.

The story might be solid, but the logline needs a serious looking at.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title has a dramatic tone to it and gets me thinking of a Christmas story. I wonder if you could shorten it to "Herald Angel" which has more punch.

The premise is very clever and I can see how it might work well as a romantic comedy.

The logline technique has gone a little wrong. Actually I wonder if you pasted in more text than you intended because if this was only the first sentence it would be great. The only missing ingredient in it would be a mention of the love interest which would make it clear that it's a romantic comedy. All the stuff after the first sentence reads like the beginning of a synopsis.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

Personally this is overlong, you could have cut the first two sentences and lost nothing. The idea is a little far-fetched for me, a bit like an Adam Sandler film and the typo is unfortunate. This is FAIR.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Um..this is really repetitive, and then it cuts off. This clearly was not even proofed, which really tells me all I need to know.

2) Do I know what to expect? Yes.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? Clear enough. A completed (and proofed) logline would certainly have been more compelling.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? Hard to tell.

5) Do I want to read the script? The author does not seem particularly inspired, so I most likely would not.

Poor.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

That first sentence was all you need, with the addition of what stands in his way. This reads like a short summary, vice a long logline. I say take it back to the meat and potatoes of the story and give us the raw clincher.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Did you leave off part of the last word? Should it read Danny's character?

Proof read, proof read.

YOu also repeated yourself in the logline. You could take out the whole first part. And start with 'Hollywood Bad boy Danny Angel's .... '

should be 'rapidly waning' (I think) It sounds better.


I don't see how reprising a holiday play could save the school from closure. Why is the school closing? Is it because of money.. Is the play going to bring in a lot of money. Why is the reprise going to be his path to salvation?

And again.. the end of the logline is cut off.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I'm guessing that the title you have chosen for this will be the title of the nativity play they put on? Works for me, if a tad too wordy.

The logline is a bit of a mixed bag. Your first sentence is pretty much a complete logline and works fine. Then you tell us the genre of your movie - let your logline do that for you. Then you have another logline, which I personally think is better than the first.

I'm not sure if this is one your first attempts at a logline, so you aren't too sure what to include but for me you have two loglines here and a very boring genre description in the middle. My advice is to get rid of everything upto the word 'rapidly' and then happy days. As it is now, I'll still give you very good as I like the idea.

Steve Lewis (Level 3)

I prefer loglines to be short, sharp and to the point, and this is way too long for me...it looks like it's been cut off by the system too, so likely too long for it as well. I find some of the sentences redundant or repetetive and this could be cut down quite a lot I think, and could probably be re-structured to flow better and be easier to read too.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Hmmm... this is all right.

Logline: Oh no.. fatal, fatal flaw. You needed to come back and read what you did here. You have two versions of the same logline mashed together, and the end of the second one (which appears to me to be the better of the two) is cut off mid sentence. Further, you do things like telling me the title of the script and that it's a romantic comedy INSIDE the logline.

Gotta rate this as poor... sorry.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This one's a wreck. You could use just the first sentence. What's with the 3rd? And everything after that? And why is the ending cut off?

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Title: The phrase you're referring to with this title is, "Hark! The herald angels sing!" Two statements, not one. Therefore, the title gets screwed up without an exclamation point after "Hark".

Grammar/Writing Style: This is too long and repetitive. Disreputable and Hollywood bad boy mean the exact same thing. You also mention the same school play more than once. You're logline is so long that you are cut off at the end. You also don't need a comma after the words closure, play, and however. You need to remove the sentence, "A return to his English...his path to salvation." You also need to remove the sentence directly telling me what genre this is and the sentence following that, because it feels pointless to what needs to be said. The best sentence within this logline sentence was probably cut off. You started talking about a Jakyll and Hyde story that would have hooked an audience instead of all the verbose nonsense preceding it.

Genre: I should not have to be directly told what the genre is.

Story: I fail to see the motivation behind any of this story. Why would a "bad boy" movie star want to help his old school? Is he really a bad boy or is he a reluctant victim of paparazzi's need for a good story? That would make more sense. I might be interested in the Jekyll and Hyde thing, but I can't be sure when that part of the logline is cut off. Also, you said his last name is Angel. I don't think I have to tell you that making his last name Angel is cliché.

Interest: I'm not interested in this story. I've seen the formula before and I doubt I want to see it again.

Title: 0/1
Grammar: 0/2
Genre: 0/1
Story: 1/3
Interest: 0/3
Total: 1/10
Rating: Poor

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Technical difficulty, cutoff. Either keep the first line and ditch the third, or vice versa; they essentially say the same thing. No need to repeat the title in the LL to say it is a rom com. I would just add it at the beginning: romantic comedy where a disreputable movie star... I think if you have a rom com you should mention the love interest.

William Wilson (Level 3)

Hands down this is the worst logline I have read so far its so jumbled and just bad! It made me wanna scream WHAT at the top of my lunges because it doesnt make sense!

First never put the genre in the actual logline? That a mistake I've never even seen a rookie make so idk where you got the idea to do that and Second you just repeat yourself with the same sentence worded differently.

I'm giving this one a "Poor"

Comments Made After the Contest