"The End" by Pia Cook

Rewrite: 4/23/2011 12:00 AM

Logline: A young mother struggles to make the right decision as civilization nears it's end.

Genre: Drama - Horror

Cast Size: 2

Production Status: Unavailable

Contest: One for the Ladies (Feb. 2011)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
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Comments Made During the Contest

Alexandra Lincoln (Level 1)

The dialogue flowed well. More description could probably be beneficial. I felt as though the stakes weren't high enough.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

You put the title at the top of the first page, and the title was "THE END", which is how you usually END a screenplay, so that threw me a bit. I thought you had made a mistake there, until I went back to the MoviePoet page and realized that was the title of your story.

It is nonstandard format and you lose one line doing that. I am not against wrong formatting per se but in this case it did confuse me, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

A stellar first page! Really great how you show us Tina and Sofie are running away from something. They find an abandoned house. We now want to know what they are running away from, and why, and what will happen next. Good job hooking the reader in.

Superb dialogue between mother and child on page two! It feels very realistic. Good characterization, and it gives us some information. Exposition hidden well.

Nice build-up of tension as shadows move around the house, the protagonist left with only one bullet.

This is a primal story of a woman trying to protect her child from the monsters, like you see more often in nature. Only, she becomes one of the monsters herself. A nice twist.

A gripping story. the mother protects her daughter from the monsters the only way she can now.

Definitely something that can be done on a low budget.

Great screenplay!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I'm on the fence with your title. It fits the story but it's very generic.

Your writing style is superb. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors.

Tina's bite mark is an important plot point. If it were revealed on page one or two, it would build the suspense. By the time it registered that Tina was forsaken I had to shift my attention to the pending attack.

Overall, it's a great story.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Nice brisk paced script, believable main characters with clear crisp dialogue. Description of the location put me right there with the mother and daughter. Not sure if Sofie meant to say 'sidease' or not, but in any case spelling and format appeared excellent to me. The five 'rotten women' were obviously zombies but you seemed to shy away from using the term, don't understand why. Once Tina sees the wound to her arm the plot was pretty much predictable and when she sees she has just one bullet left I think it was pretty much odds on Sofie was going to get one in the brain. A good effort.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Pros:

I'm a sucker for post apocalypse stories, is this was one, so that was a bonus.

There is a decent sense of tension, and a really tough decision your protagonist makes.

Cons:

This didn't feel very new or fresh for the genre. It feels like I've seen this before. A parent and child run into an abandoned house being chased by zombies. Somehow, if yopu could bring something fresh to this scenario, it might stand out more.

While the mother has a hard decision in front of her, I feel like you sort of made it for her by hthe mom being infected. The ending would be more powerful if the mom was healthy and decided to kill her daughter to save her from the horrors of the zombies.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written, formatted and paced very well. There was a little bit of passive writing in here, but nothing too severe. Just try to eliminate 'is' and 'are' from your descriptions completely.

The story was cool, but the ending was a bit predictable. When we learn there's only 1 bullet left, I was pretty sure it'd be destined for the kid. When we learn mom got bit, then it was a certainty. So while the ending lacked any real surprise for me, I still thought the story was pretty bad ass. If you want the ending to be more of a shock, the solution would be to reveal the single bullet and bite mark a little later on. Other than that though, I really don't have much constructive criticism for this one. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was well-written but quite honestly was like any other post-apocalyptic/zombie film I've ever read/seen. Extremely predictable - I'm afraid I guessed the ending almost from the first page.

However you drew the characters really well and I cared about them which shows great skill on your part.

Five women - should be capitalised when they first appear.

it’s hinges. - its hinges - it's means it is

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

This one reminded me of "The Road" and "The Book of Eli". (The dilemma with the single bullet reminded me of "The Mist" when the protagonist had only four bullets among five people.) The contest didn't say anything about not mentioning male animals, so I guess the reference to the dog is allowed. I like the mood that was established at the beginning. It was hopeless and depressing, almost desperate. The dialogue between Tina and Sofie was very natural. I think the image and idea was gotten across very vividly through the script.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hahahaha, A happy family story. I think the chatty bit about the sick woman etc. could be shortened because we know we are dealing with Zombies. Always with the Zombies. I'll have to let you check mine out one of these days if I can every finish it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is very dark, but well told - lots of great visuals.

The problem here and maybe it's because I've read so many stories, is that I can see "the end" coming from far away. I wanted to be surprised.

Still, your craft is very good and this was a very enjoyable read. Well done.

Denise Jewell (Level 5)

Zombies.

I wish you would have put "The End" at the end. This is well written - I can see the whole thing unfold. I did know exactly how it would end, but I have to give you credit because the writing is pretty perfect. Good job.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The title is too generic as everything has an end.
'Tina sees the house' is not needed, so I would cut it.
I think it would be better to put 'a quick glance behind' as Tina 'runs', helping to establishing early on that they are escaping danger.
The action of peeking through windows is too drawn out. We do not need 'It's a mess, but empty' as we get a description when they enter. The fact that they enter tells us Tina thinks it safe.
'Tina gazes sadly at Sofie', is better.
'No one's out there' not needed; we can tell by her lack of reaction.
I think you need to establish earlier in the dialogue that Tina is Sofie's mother. It comes too late making it seem an afterthought.
'Far away in the distance something moves.' As this is Tina's POV you need to be specific; why not say a figure?
Sweats beads (Sweat)
'...just rotten...' only seems to indicate you feel no need to describe them more.
'The MOANS and GROANS...' is too repetitious and no need for the caps again.
'Heavy footsteps approach the door' would be better.
'...women stagger...'
Tina has little to do that is positive other than attempt to delay their inevitable fate. There is little character development and Sofie's role is only that of a passive foil.
A story of hopelessness and helplessness leaving little to engage one's sympathy for the characters involved.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The writer does an excellent job of painting a description with words. The story was wonderful, kept me reading quickly down each page. It was my pleasure to read such an EXCELLENT script. Thank you.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Definitely one of the more accomplished screenplays this time around - a good read, thoroughly engaging and with great visuals.

A few minor criticisms to consider regarding your dialogue.

"Was she going to hurt us?"
Tina nods.
No need for Tina to say "Yes, she was" because the question was answered visually.

"Try to get some sleep" (You've been up for two days) This second part seens unnecessary.

And later again.
"Mommy, I'm hungry."
"I know" (We'll try to find some food tomorrow, but you need to rest "
"I know" says it all. The rest is strikes me as unnecessary explanation.

Otherwise, thank you for an amazing and brilliantly crafted screenplay.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Excellent set up * Liked your use of white space * didn't use the word "zombie" once * i felt for Tina and Sophie in just 5 pages * a tad cliche but nicely done * why didn't sophie complain about the bite before? ( I guess it was the excitement ) * the one bullet scenario worked well * it's what i would have done at The End *

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

You have a lot of action taking place off screen and the characters just talking about it, remember show, don't tell. I didn't really get a sense of who your characters were, Tina is a mother and Sophie is a daughter and that is pretty much all I could tell you about their characters. It is not until page 3 that we know we are dealing with zombies and it seems that this information would be better placed up front - this way we know what the problem is and what the characters need to do to overcome it. In many ways the story doesn't really start until Tina sees the bite on her arm and realises her fate. I liked the ending it was brave, but think you could have played with it more. Have Tina rush around blocking up the doors and windows as the infection sets in and then after saying good bye to her daughter turn the gun on herself, but at point the zombie break in and Tina realises she has to kill her daughter instead. The idea that she has some control as zombie weakens what she does as maybe there is still hope. (for example see how zombies were domesticated in Shawn of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, The Walking Dead comic book). I also feel that zombies have been over used in recent years and you need to pull something extra special out the bag to make it stand out.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The End is an appropriate title. I thought it was clever to start with The End. The craft is good. The story, well, it sure is hard to get happy after that! The theme is interesting but depressing. It certainly evokes emotion which I'm sure was your goal.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This is very tense... From the point she realizes there is only one bullet, the end is inevitable. I kept wishing for something to save her, but... sad. I'm not a big fan of zombies.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I really liked this. You demonstrated the love of a mother and how far a mother will go to protect her daughter.

The visual descriptions of the setting and time was quite nice. I can picture the entire thing in my head. The dialogue sounds very natural, too. Especially the 6-year-old girl Sophie. The conversation doesn't feel expositional, it just gave enough information for us to fill in the blanks.

One thing that takes me out of the story for one second is when Tina saw her bite mark. Why was she so surprised? You wrote that she had a worried look on her face before she rolls up her sleeve. So she must have known that she was bitten already.

It'll make a good zombie flick.

VERY GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

The first horror I've read this month. Good, but I must say that I really disliked these words "really messed up, rotten skin, rotten teeth, just rotten." come on! A writer can come up with a better description than that.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The door handle wouldn't rattle if it were zombies.

Well, I knew she was going to kill her daughter from the time you mentioned there was only one bullet, so that was no surprise. I did like how you revealed to us that this was a zombie story. Very, very well paced.

I thought it was kind of weird that the little girl was asking why she shot the lady as if they just started this adventure. You stated that their clothes were raggedy, implying that they've been at it for a while, so the little girl would have already known why mommy shot that insane lady.

"The End" nice title. It fits well. I really like how it was a the top of the page. It kind of threw me off in a good way. I was interested from the get go.

I think you should have ended it with the mom leaning in to "eat" her daughter, then being interrupted by the bangs on the door. She then whispers "I'm sorry" to her daughter and sprints out the house so all the zombies can follow her. They begin to, but she suddenly can feel the change taking over her, and so do the zombies, so they stop following her, because she is basically one of them now, and they head back to the house. It would be very sad to see the mom watching the zombies invade the house she left her daughter in as she starts to twitch and stuff (becoming a zombie)

Just my two sense. I LOVE zombie movies, so I always try and think of ways to improve the scripts when I read them. Hope no offense has been taken.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

On one hand this is very well written and formatted, you seem to be able to let your thoughts flow strait through the page into the reader, it's an ability few have and I am personally very jelous of.

On the other hand, why? I don't see why you'd want to write something so miserable, or why anyone would want to read it or see it. The fact that you write so extremely well only makes this journey more painful, but no less redundant. Personally, I don't like a happy ending all of the time, ideally I like stories that explore interesting ideas and films, make me think or entertain me reguardless of what the ending has in store, but in the case of your screenplay, I don't feel any of these things are achieved.

"Good". As I said, you write like an expert, but find some reason for your audience to sit through the unpleasantries.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

How appropriate -- this is the last script I reviewed this month and it's called "The End"! (:

If I'm honest, I've got mixed feelings about your script. On the one hand, it's neat and tidy, well written, with a pretty good conversation in the middle between Sofie and Tina. I also thought the ending was good.

I think the problem I have is with the structure. The end with the zombie attack seems to be the conclusion to another story.

In short, I would have liked to have seen the attack with "scary lady", that left Tina with the bite mark... instead of the characters just talking about it. The golden rule of screen writing -- show, don't tell. By showing the original attack, the conclusion would have a lot more impact.

I did like the idea of Tina licking her lips at Sofie (does that make me weird?!). Thinking about it, you could make "lip-licking" a theme. If you do choose to show the "Scary Lady" attack, she could also lick her lips, whist sneaking up on Tina and Sofie. That way, later on, "Tina licking her lips at Sofie" takes on extra meaning.

For extra dramatic effect, you could show Tina's lip-licking before she discovers her arm wound, make the lip-licking the first sign of Tina's impending Zombie-ism. (Audience: "Hang on, that's odd.... what's Tina doing with her lips? Wait a minute, she's been bitten! She's a zombie!" etc.)

Justin Ryan Colon (Level 4)

I am not particularly fond of zombie movies, however; I enjoyed this script.

I did enjoy the ending, however; I saw the ending coming=. I liked the choice the mother had to make at the conclusion of the script. I just wish that the ending couldn't be foreseen as easily.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's good but I found it predictable. More, I read a couple just like that.
Who else she would kill?
It's well written, well thought, but it's just nothing new at all.

Kirk White (Level 5)

well I do loves me some zombie fare...but I found myself wishing you'd taken it in another direction...having her infected and killing the little one is kinda the place I knew it was going once I realized what kind of story this was. but you have some truly breathtaking moments in the middle, especially her explaining the disease "is that why you had to shoot her" stuff. I don't know, I guess I've seen and read some many bleak zombie scripts...I wouldn't have minded a more hopeful angle.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific twist. One bullet, five creepy zombie? women, and Tina shoots little Sofie. Yikes.
Well written. Bit surprised that Tina is horrified by the "nasty bite mark on her arm." Would think someone of her caliber (she's carrying a gun that she's apparently already fired) might remember being bitten. Is Sofie supposed to ask, "What's a disease, instead of sidease?" Also should be a period following FADE OUT instead of a colon. Minor typos.
Could envision this story getting made. Good job.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

It might be best to use a title page. Having "The End" at the top of a script, followed by "FADE IN:", well, it looks a little surreal.

Somehow I knew this was going to be a zombie script off the first page, with the abandoned house, running mother/daughter, fear.

There's some suspense built up in the first page, as we question why these people are in this situation. But the suspense/tension is kind of zapped by the two page educational discussion. "Yes, honey, a zombie acts like this." I'm not sure any zombie fans are going to find those pages worthwhile. They don't enhance the viewer's knowledge of zombie-lore, and there's no promise of action there.

I wish that there were more ways to do a zombie script than to simply have people turn into zombies. Does every zombie film have someone get bitten? This device feels so rote and by-the-numbers, somehow very predictable. It's a zombie film. Someone's going to get bitten. Next scene.

I'm also unsure what the point of it all is. People are always getting killed in zombie films. Here it's a little girl, lovingly sacrificed by her oh-so-considerate mother... Can you tell this isn't my favorite genre? I have a hard time seeing a deeper moral or purpose in this work and in the zombie genre as a whole. If your script were somehow different than all the other zombie films, I'd be able to be interested, but, alas, it seems really straightforward. The writing is very good, though.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title, but don't put it on the first page of the script. The title belongs on the title page...

There are a few minor things - an odd s added to a word and such - but I didn't notice until I'd read this through the second time. The story carries the reader along like a river...

Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was written very well and you created a great atmosphere. I have to tell you that as soon as you said there was only one bullet left I knew what was coming so pages 4 and 5 were completely wasted on me. If you get a lot of people saying that, you may want to rework that reveal. It's a great story idea and with a little work could make a great short film.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was dark. I liked the ending, although it might be more powerful if Tina was less conscious when she became a zombie, so it was two primal urges fighting against each other.

"ripped off it’s hinges" should be "ripped off its hinges".

Good.

Patrick Roe (Level 2)

Sofie seems like a smart girl, I would probably leave out the line where she is wondering what a disease is since in the next line she seems to already know what the flu is. I think it would make more sense that she was questioning what kind of disease this person had, and relating it to something she knows about like the flu.

Other than that little bit of input, this scene really hit home for me. It is dramatic, and realistic. Reminds me of some combination of Book of Eli, The Road, and a George Romero movie. Well done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Dark absolutely amd you certainly found the right setting. Five female zombies is stretching my believe somewhat.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This had some tension and suspense, but I can't really say it's any different from the many other post-apocalyptic/zombie stories out there.

I liked the scenes on page four of the approaching women. It's a creepy visual.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. There are some minor typos througout.

Priyanka Mukherjee (Level 1)

hmm! was this inspired from the walking dead by any chance? a little too predictable in the end maybe, motherly love and instinct takes over any form of primal desire and all, but still,the pseudo-gothic-horror thingy is effective,atleast on the first read.maybe it needed a few more scenes to truly establish its total context and could have been much better cause it had a wider scope to be extended.good attempt,nevertheless!

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

Hmmm I thought this was great, it kept my attention all the way through, I'm currently not a fan of Zombie scripts as they seem to be everywhere, but this kept my attention and I felt for the characters.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I think a lot of time was expended on a set up that didn't need to happen. Why not have them start at the house? Sofie's innocent voice is well-played but Tina seems to be genuinely surprised by her bite and I'm not sure why. When you cut away to THROUGH WINDOW is that meant to be a POV shot or are you taking the action outside? Either way, it should be changed to show what WE see. Try to come up with some clever description for the zombies to showcase your writing ability. The rotten teeth, just rotten... seems like you don't know what else to say. Create images that affect your reader - scare them, terrify them. The ending was good. Brought closure and tied up your title with the drama. I think with a focused rewrite this could be a really compelling short.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

As soon as she checked the gun and found only one bullet I knew that she was going to use it on Sofie and that she was going to turn into a zombie. That left me with no surprises at all to look forward to.

Couldn't she just let Sofie go free? Do something out of the ordinary? Maybe she could fight to the finish, while Sofie is running for freedom?

I don't know, I just felt really let down by the end. There was no element of surprise, so I didn't get a sense of satisfaction after finishing the story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was very well written. Good characters. Good set-up and pay-off.

My only real criticism with the script is that it doesn't really strike me as anything new. I'm sure I've seen situations like this in films, so it would have been nice to have been surprised a little more. A bit more originality could have pushed the script up to something special.

As it is, it's a very well written zombie script. I liked the relationship between mother and daughter but I think it could have used a bit more creativity to make it stand out.

Very good.

Stephen Fernandez (Level 1)

Infected people.... Who doesn't like scripts about infected people? I sure as hell do.

I take my time reading scripts just to make sure I grasp what story the writer is trying to say. But with this script I found myself speed reading, just to get to the end. I loved it. I enjoy reading dark and damp scripts just as much as I like writing them.

Bravo! An exceptional story you have just told me.

T. James DeStein (Level 5)

I really liked this one. The dialogue where you slowly reveal the history about the zombies didn't feel forced or on the nose. I was expecting this to be the generic "oh no, zombies! Let's kill ourselves" but the choice Tina had to make at the end felt fresh and engaging to me. I usually hate zombie stories but this one was excellent.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I thought this was well written and paced very well. You did a good job at capturing the emotion of the situation and the characters were believable. Personally I'm not really into zombie scripts but I still thought this was a really good effort. The ending was perhaps a bit cliche and I could see it coming, but not a big deal.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I'm not a fan of the lack of originality of this piece; a one bullet left/zombies attacking scenario has been done often. What really shines is the actual writing in general: plenty of white space, real characters, dialogue, brief but clear descriptive's - it's all there, so thank you for that. This would certainly have me wanting to read more from you.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Lots of typos and grammatical errors -- mainly comma usage and non-usage, but still very distracting.

When did Tina put the gun away? She pulls it out twice with no mention of replacing it.

I really don’t understand the zombie fascination some writers on this site have. It gets tired quickly.

But this one, at least, didn’t place much emphasis on the undead, so I can dig it. I like the allusion to “The Mist,” and as a parent the difficult choice Tina makes is empathetical (I know that’s not a word, but it works).

I was afraid that this wouldn’t end the way it did -- yes, I saw it coming -- but kudos for sticking with the dark conclusion.


Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 1:18 AM

A VG from me. Thought for sure this story would place.

Denise Jewell (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 10:20 AM

VG from me, too. Well written.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2011 10:35 AM

Zombies from Pia haha. Awesome, and even better that they all had to be female. But it might look a bit weird -- even confusing -- if this were this to be filmed as-is.

People would drive themselves crazy looking for some kind of subtext.

This is reminiscent of "The Mist" to me, and my favorite line from this, "They are really messed up" -- I think the Sheriff actually says that in Romero's original. Or something much like it.

You wrote this well, Pia, with no hiccups in the storyline for me while reading this -- and the best zombie description I have read in some time.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 10:45 PM

Thanks for reading everyone! I appreciate everyone taking their time to read and offer comments. It was a last moment entry, but I was happy with it. My first zombie! Surprised so many people hate those. :D

Bert...Love you!

Now I'm off to my feature where no one would dare telling me about commas and stuff because they know they'd be off the project right away! ;)

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 4/2/2011 4:41 PM

Wow! same last lines as mine!!

This is great Pia, you'd have got an excellent from me. The way the conversation between mum and daughter explains exactly what's going on without ever mentioning the word 'zombie' and I love the comparison to rabies, very clever.

As soon as the gun with one bullet was pulled out though I knew what was coming - I wonder if this might have worked better if the conversation had continued for longer and then mum looks at the bite and then pulls out the gun and looks at her daughter - without us ever actually seeing any zombies.

Anyway, sorry I didn't get around to it during the comp. Definitely my cup of tea.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 4/3/2011 11:27 PM

Melissa!! Thanks!!!

And thanks for the well wishes on the casting call as well! :)

Kevin Lenihan (Level 0) ~ 4/20/2011 6:57 AM

On the whole, this was very good for a 5 page limitation. With the mother and daughter at the beginning the writer efficiently and effectively sets the stage with the post apocalyptic world and the survival struggle. And then you have the emotionally powerful conclusion. And you managed to create some sympathy with your main characters. 5 pages is very constricting, so all in all this was a very strong script.

One thing that might reduce the predictability here; have there be two bullets in the gun. It would lead to the same act logically, the killing of her daughter. In fact, since the daughter's biggest threat was going to soon be her mother, even with a full supply of ammo this would be the logical thing to do.

Just an idea. But very nice work!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 4/20/2011 10:27 AM

Kevin,

thank you so much for reading!! This was my first time doing a zombie script and I think it turned out pretty good. As always, there will be some that hate it just because of the zombie thing, but there will also be some people who like it because of that too.

I'm rewriting this right now so I can post it at Simply Scripts. I took everyone's comments and suggestions into consideration. The biggest change is that the zombie women are never seen so they can be either male or female and the one bullet reveal comes at the very end.

Thank you again for reading.

Pia :)

T. James DeStein (Level 5) ~ 4/24/2011 8:54 AM

So I reread your story and the rewrite. Gotta say, it's lost a bit of its excellenceness to me since I first reviewed it.

Its odd that she'd be so surprised by the nasty bite mark on her arm. It'd be hard not to notice that happen in the first place, right? Why not address that in the rewrite? And her gums become rotten in the blink of an eye? The decomposition of live human tissue is a lengthy process.

Your ending is definitely cliche-to-the-max, and I actually liked it better when you showed the gun sooner. Personally, my favorite way to make it less generic would be to take away her gun and leave her stuck with something much more ugly, like a brick or maybe just her bare hands. Very unsettling stuff I know, but it would definitely leave a better impact than the by-the-numbers ending ya got now, at least.

Just my two cents. This is still my fav MP zombie script by far!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 4/24/2011 9:34 PM

:'( oh no.... I tried to incorporate the comments and suggestions I got and you didn't like it. Now I'm confused.

Someone told me to change it so that Sofie is the one bitten. What do you think of that idea?

I want this to be as good as possible since I think it could be a nice little short for an indie filmmaker. As it is now, there's only two people in one location.

Thank you so much for the re-read. I'm posting it at SS. Maybe some suggestions there will help steer me on the right path.

Thanks! :)

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 6/3/2011 9:42 PM

Wow, Pia. Talk about a script punching you in the guts!

Very well done. I am not surprised to hear someone is filming this! Congrats!

Michael Harrop (Level 2) ~ 6/4/2011 8:48 AM

Pia, as you already know I love this story. BUT, after reading the rewrite I gotta ask "what happenend!?...

You wrote: Five women stagger towards the house. They are really
messed up. Rotten skin, rotten teeth, just rotten...

These lines made me cringe.

It was much better when you just had it as: Dark human shaped shadows fill the floor in front of the doorway. The shadows shuffle into the room.

And more importantly why not just call them ZOMBIES?

Anyway, being that this script is going into production I guess it doesn't matter now. But I'm really looking forward to seeing the finished product.

All the best!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 6/4/2011 10:55 AM

Thanks Basil and Mike.

I believe you read the original Mike. In the rewrite I removed the five women. They were only there because the comp that month could only have women it it. Many people said that was weird so I took them out. The rewrite only has the shapes or shadows.

Why not call them zombies? I don't know. I don't really like that word. :)

Thanks again to both of you.

(to read the rewrite, you have to click on the word rewrite. The original is never replaced. It will always be there.)

Michael Harrop (Level 2) ~ 6/4/2011 10:56 AM

(to read the rewrite, you have to click on the word rewrite)

Ah. Got it.

Michael Harrop (Level 2) ~ 9/25/2011 3:14 PM

@ Pia,

What's the production status on this? Any new news?

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 9/25/2011 8:56 PM

I was told the actress will be busy until late September with her TV show, but they should film after that. I believe it will happen as he has done some really nice work and she's a good actress. They are both native Americans so it will put a nice spin on it.

Michael Harrop (Level 2) ~ 9/26/2011 12:39 AM

Thanks for the update.


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