Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Get rid of words ending with -ly. For example, on page one, change "walks quickly" to rushes, or paces, or scrambles, or lunges, or ... It is much more succinct and powerful.

A slice of life story, a woman going to a store to buy something. She buys many things but forgets that one specific thing. It happens to every one, happened to me in fact only yesterday (I went to buy coffee and came back with everything but coffee. And I did it again today, with coffee milk).

It is not something you have to make a movie about I think...

It is well-written though! It was definitely a nice and easy read, both the action paragraphs and the dialogues. I can imagine the movie in my head. So good job.

It is just that I think it would be a boring movie... I'm sorry.

Bilal Mwaura (Level 1)

What really works for me is the visual style it is written in. The story pops out from the page. I can see each action, from baby Ellie's twitching lips to the customers staring at Melissa. I hope I got the ending right. Patty ends up shopping for herself, and only remembers about her sister wen Melissa asks her what she got her, right?. If that's the case, why does she do that? What is happening in her to motivate such behaviour? That question was not answered for me. Viewers love to know what motivates a character. This completes the emotional connection.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title. The dual meaning has me intrigued. I thought it might be about a hip replacement.

Change "begins to whimper" to "whimpers".

I like the premise and the characters. Melissa and Patty are rich characters, courtesy of your details.

The problem is the story is unfinished. We're left with a puzzling cliffhanger. You also have an unresolved subplot of the unattended stroller, left behind by Melissa.

The main goal is the purchase of a birthday gift. You included Ellie to add conflict. You need to incorporate the unattended stroller somehow. Another angle involves security guards when Patty rushes out of the store. If you're in a dept store and rush out with their unpaid merchandise, there's going to be drama.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

I'm sorry but at the end of it all I was just asking myself 'What on earth was that all about?' Girl goes shopping for sister's present and buys a load of gear for herself! You had nearly a full page left, surely you could have filled it with something pertinent to the plot. Take away the child in the mall scene and the mother's phone call and it was really quite empty.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Pros:

This is written in a very lean style that is easy to follow.

I liked the opening with the phone ringing and baby crying.

Cons:

I was waiting for things to pay off, but in the end, it didn't really seem like it all tied together. For instance to conversation with her mom leads to to think there will be a unique reason she wants to get her sister a present versus giving her money; but that didn't go anywhere. I thought we might meet the sister and see she's a drug addict. Or maybe she wants to give a gift so she can shoplift the present versus paying for it.

Her baby is another storyline that didn't have a payoff. She was just there. She didn't get in the way of your protagonist, or create any sort of moral dilemma.

I guess those were the biggest issues, so overall this read like a scene or a writing exercise; I failed to see a striking point that you were making.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The formatting and pace is fine. One missed punctuation that I noticed.

The story here didn't really do much for me. There's no real twist or climax to it and the punchline didn't really strike me as being all that funny. Basically, a girl goes to Hot Topic to buy her sister a gift, ends up buying a bunch of stuff for herself and forgets the gift. That's okay, but it's not all that original.

We're fed a lot of useless information in this script that ultimately has nothing to do with the story. The breastfeeding, the ice cream, the baby... None of it really has anything to do with the actual story here so it just comes across as filler. Take all that out and this could have been a much tighter 1 or 2 page script.

Nice effort, but the punchline fell flat for me.

Bryony Quigly (Level 3)

I got the point of the story it was just a bit too vague for me. You should probably make it clearer in an earlier scene that the visit to Hot Topic is to get a present for her sister, because I completely missed the point.

The ending is a bit unrealistic. She wouldn't just forget she was buying her sister a present, and buy it for herself when "Sky" is there asking her what her sister does and doesn't like.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I really enjoyed your format. The story flowed smoothly and it was nicely written. As for the story, it wasn't bad; I just really couldn't get into it. I was waiting for something to happen with the sister and the baby or Patty and the sales clerk but it never did.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was reasonably well-written - though I must say it was in danger of being DQ'd - the rules were that the women didn't talk about men but in the script it mentions buying something for a son. You need to be careful!

Yes, it was reasonably written but to me it didn't have any conflict, any drama. The protagonist didn't have a character arc to speak of, in fact I'm left wondering what happened? Did anything happen?

You can write well. Now put those skills into practice with a story that goes somewhere!

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

Ellie's and Melissa's interactions in the mall were cute. The last line of dialog is great. I love that Patty got caught up in herself and completely forgot about why she even went into Hot Topic. I also liked the collection of names for your characters.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This story feels very honest. Sort of like a wry anecdote. I liked the characters and it was a fun read.

But, I'm not sure there is enough story here. It's not bad as is, it just feels a bit light for a film.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

A mom with an infant uses the occasion of her sister's birthday as an excuse to go on a shopping spree for herself. I think that's an accurate description of the SP.

The story's arc didn't feel like it went very far. Why should we care about Patty, she comes off as rather selfish. Perhaps if we saw her life juxtaposed against her sister's life we might have more reason to root for her and her actions (this concept is suggested with the "skinny jeans" bit but never really expanded upon). A lot of the action and dialogue felt extraneous; I think this 5 pager, as is, could have been cut down to a page or a page and a half. Suggestion: have the sisters change places for a short time (the sister babysits while Patty shops), at least with that scenario you'd have the opportunity to highlight their sisterly conflict and leave room for each character to change, even if it's only a tiny bit.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I actually like this one a lot. Patty's transformation in the store works nicely and is made complete when she instantly becomes the mom again. I think another read through you could tighten up some of the dialogue and scene transitions. Although you do a good job of getting in and out of each scene at the right time. And although I saw the last line coming, it still works and made me laugh. Good job.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Not too sure about the title. Is 'Hip' still hip?
The living room scene does not add a great deal to the story other than remind us that being a mother is often hard work. I suggest this scene would better cut to develop the more important scenes of Patty in the Mall. This is where the entertainment lies and I think you would bring out a great deal of understanding and sympathy for Patty while making us smile at her too.
The writing would be improved by cutting some words and changing others. 'Grabs' implies swiftness so you do not need 'quickly'. A phone held between cheek and shoulder does not 'rest'.
As Patty rushes off to shop, 'rises' and 'walks off' does not quite do it. She can hardly wait for five minute's to herself. I would imagine her swallowing back the coffee on her way past the trash-bin. On entering the shop 'cringes' is too extreme a reaction and the assistant would perhaps look her up and down critically rather than 'examine' her.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The script was an easy read but when I got to the end I kind of thought, “Is that all there is?” Where was the conflict? Where was the suspense? Here are a few comments.

The CONTD’s are not needed in dialogue in a spec script. If you are using Final Draft, you can turn this feature off.

Look for places where you can say the same thing with less words. Example: “Ellie sleeps in the stroller alongside of them.” Consider: “Ellie sleeps in a nearby stroller.”

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

An older sister buys herself a present on her sister's birthday * Cute is the one word that comes to mind * missed a slug or two on the first page when Patty move to the nursery * baby ellie was not in ALL CAPS when introduced * I didn't get the connection of the title and the story * sky was easily recognizable as an overly enthused sales woman * Patty buying herself a gift instead of her sister is great sitcom material * did you consider a scene where Patty shows up at the party dressed up and doesn't remember until the gifts are to be opened? *

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

The story about an overworked mum reconnecting with her youth and sense of fashion is a nice, but not wholly original idea. For what is, I feel is a comedy, there were not many laughs leading up to the punchline to keep me that interested. Detail is a good thing to have, but in a 5 page script every word counts and you should question how important is that we know Patty drops her coffee in the bin. The bit in the story that I would be most interested in seeing appears to happen off screen and that is when Patty makes the choice that she is going to get stuff for herself. This is a big turning point in her life and deserves to be seen. I was unsure what role Melissa filled, I think the same story could have been told without her as she doesn't do anything to effect the outcome of the plot, Sky on the other hand does, but we don't see enough of her to get a sense of her character.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is appropriate and it sets the tone well. The craft is very good with no major flaws. One very minor point is the first dialogue (Hello) and (FADE OUT) both need periods. The story is fine. It doesn't have a lot of action and the payoff at the end is only that Patty is so self absorbed that she forgot why she is there, which is okay but I was expecting something more. Overall it is good.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

That was really cute. I was thinking that if Patty was breastfeeding, as soon as she heard the baby crying she would start to leak and ruin the shirt. The dialogue is a little awkward in places. I love it that Patty loses herself in the hip store!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Haha...I think the last punchline joke just saved this script. The major problem I have with this story is that it's not really focused. There's the crying baby, Melissa trying to find ways to stop the baby from crying, Patty trying to buy clothing for her sister, and her trying on the clothing. But it all just leads up to the end punchline.

I don't even understand why the crying baby plotline is even there. It didn't add anything to the main plotline where Patty was trying to find clothing for her sister. As a result, both plotlines lack depth.

However, I do like the characters. Patty is a lovable woman.

Spotted a couple of typos. Otherwise, the writing is good.

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

" Pacifier sits next to a cordless phone on a side table" " Cordless phone rests between her cheek and shoulder." Your writing is kind of too stiff. "A Pacifier" "THE cordless phone"

You forgot a period after your first sentence.

It should be A nursery, not "the", because this is the first time it's being introduced.

What are "snakebites"? Tattoos? Or that tongue cut thing? Oh... piercing. Clever. Never knew that's what they were called.

After the sales lady asks Patty is she in there for her daughter, you should have added some sort of action after. It seemed kind of odd to end there.

The description of the baby eating ice cream could be cut down.

I thought the "Hip" in your title was going to have a double meaning.

This could use some work. The scenes with Melissa feeding the child were unnecessary. They didn't really push the story forward. If you did want to add them, make them much much shorter, with no dialogue.

The ending could have been more interesting. It was predictable.

I did think it was funny that Patty liked Hot Topic's clothes. I can't imagine a large, 35 year old women in that store trying on clothes. It would be hilarious.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I'm sure I won't be the only person to mention this to you but some of the spelling and grammar was distracting. (e.g. "The" Pacifier / "The" Cordless phone etc.)

Structurally, I think you need to re-jig your story. A few suggestion --

-- In the opening act, you could have Mom inadvertently berating Patty for being ugly, really play up the fact the Patty is body concious. The more Mom praises Patty's sister's figure, the more Patty become concious about her own fat ass, so forth.

-- The sub plot with Melissa playing with the baby didn't really add anything, it came across as filler. If you're going to use Melissa effectively, I suggest you make her a close friend who Patty confides in. (e.g. Patty asks her "Can I ask you something... do I really look frumpy?" etc.)

-- I like the idea that Patty became so engrossed with her own shopping, she forgot about the present.

-- A random idea I've just had (feel free to use or ignore): Early on, you could have Patty out shopping with her Sister. A shop assistant could casually remark to Patty: "Oh, you look like each other. (beat) How old is your Daughter?"... which in turn drives Patty to dress younger.

-- A follow up random idea: You could end with a different shop assistant seeing Patty and her sister together... and the assistant thinks Patty is the younger sister. Patty grins from ear-to-ear, the end!

Justin Ryan Colon (Level 4)

I liked this one! I couldn't help but laugh at the conclusion of the script, job well done! I like how Patty found her innger child- nice character development and simple but interesting plot! I rated this as "very good!"

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Fun script that I enjoyed reading. I found myself laughing out loud several times especially when Sky was asking who Patty was shopping for in Hot Topic.

There's a nice contrast between the motherhood of Patty and the (presumed) care free life style of Melissa.

It would be a nice addition to emphasize the difference between these two a bit further. For example, perhaps Melissa can talk about her recent vacation to some exotic locale or her latest splurge.

I would recommend a little something extra to suggest a greater transformation of Melissa at the end. For example, perhaps she comes out of Hot Topic and some guys give her a compliment or something to that nature.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm sorry but I didn't understand the point of this. All this presents for Patty's sister were really for Parry herself?
Patty 34 has a teenage sister - this is a bit unbelievable but happens.

Melissa and the baby together - all these scenes do not pay off, I think.

So what's the sentiment? Might be too subtle for me.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Nice. slice of lifey kinda thing. didn't really see the NEED she had for this makeover, and what was solved in her getting it? in the end this feels more like a disjointed exercise than an actual scene with a beginning middle and end....

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cute story idea. The gift, it seems, turns out to be more important for Patty. The description of Patty is well done; a clear picture of the frazzled first-time Mom. Sky is an interesting caricature.
Not certain what relation Melissa is to Patty. Thought at first she was the sister, but she wasn't identified as such. Obviously not a babysitter since Melissa doesn't know what to do with Ellie when the baby cries. Apparently Patty is sitting "at a table with Melissa," a stranger, and subsequently leaves her baby daughter with the 28-year-old? Not sure why Patty is "shocked" when Sky asks Patty if the new mom's "looking for something for your son." May not be relevant that Patty has one more bite of ice cream before noticing Ellie is awake. Like the description when Melissa gives Ellie a spoonful of ice cream to quiet her. Might provide some tension if Ellie is pacified by the sweet ice cream taste for a minute, and then starts to scream.
Terrific title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The parts with the baby and Melissa were very well drawn. Melissa is obviously unused to children, and the comedic elements of that really shine through. Giving an infant ice cream! Perfect.

However, Patty's reaction to the goods of Hot Topic are less believable. She'd actually forget to get a present for her sister? That's not likely. The women in my life are always focused on which gifts to get whom. None of them would be so distracted in a teenie shop that they'd forget that, even when attempting to recapture their lost youth.

I also have an issue with the title. Perhaps the out-of-date word "hip" is supposed to show that Patty is no longer in her youth, but my initial reaction was that hip was a part of human anatomy. A hip gift would be a fanny pack, you see. :)

Some sections were excellent, some good, you know how to write. Overall, Very Good!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay. It works well for this.

Formatting is good. You can turn the character (CONT.) option off. You don't have to, though. I recently tried a program that won't allow it.

Spelling and punctuation are good.

The story is charming. I've seen Ellie's reaction on waking up to someone other than Mom more than once. You describe it perfectly. I was beginning to expect to find the same reaction when she saw her mom looking so different.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Pretty cute. More like a scene or skit rather than a story. My kids love Hot Topic so I can totally relate. AND I've bought a few things for myself there as well. ;)

The writing here was really good. Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the subtext of the different generations.

I think you have been over-zealous in removing words, particular the articles, in the first page at least. That style suits action scenes, but not a story like this.

Good.

Moises Sosa (Level 1)

Great job on the story and plot. Everything was very well explained and detailed. The dialogue was very well put together. You kept it natural, so it didn't as if though you were trying to make the story something it wasn't. Cheers to you! Keep writing.

Only suggestion: to try and come up with better content.

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3)

Just not interesting to me...the story itself was not very interesting and the story telling was kind of curt and bland to me. The characters were stiff and I didn’t really feel like I understood them or cared to. Just read like a normal day in the normal life of a normal person. The attempt at humor at the end was decent but not enough to salvage the script for me…sorry if too harsh...it's late.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

This isn't my genre, but even then, this is way too daily. And a little 'old' too. Hot Topic and those things have been done to death by now.

I don't see much of a story here either, nor a resolution. It feels more like a scene from a larger movie. There's no proper wrapping either.

You build characters quickly though, I can visualize them, but they are all pretty much walking stereotypes. Feels more like you didn't know which direction this script would take you and you just went along with it.

The writing is fairly good, but I just feel you really need to work on proper storytelling. Theses are just a few scenes with no proper guidance. Make it revolve around a single thing and wrap it up timely.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate your effort and Patty's last line of dialogue is humorous, I just didn't find much story here. I suppose the theme is Patty, a new mom, trying to recover her youth, but as told here, there's no conflict, no drama, no tension, filler scenes, etc.

I might rethink the title, as well.

Your screenwriting is good. Format overall appears in order. There are a few minor typos.

Peter Timony (Level 3)

I liked the Hot Topic employee who assumes that Patty is buying for someone else. I liked that she got so wrapped up in herself that she nearly forgot to buy a present. My only complaint is that Patty makes a transformation while she is in the store, but Melissa doesn't seem to notice. Also, it seems like a Hot Topic commercial. You may want to consider making up your own hip store that is like Hot Topic, but not Hot Topic.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Hmm... I thought this one was written well enough. The story didn't really do anything for me though. In fact there wasn't much of a story here at all. IMHO. Just a slice of every day life. Nothing interesting went on at all. Patty is reminded by her mom to get her sister a birthday present. Patty goes to the mall with a friend. Tries out some stuff in a store. Forgets to by her sister something... End of story.

This story is also very short and what little is there is filled with fluff that don't further the story. Things like finishing her coffee as she rises and tosses the cup in the trash and walks off. Nothing wrong with it per se, but in a four page script every line matters.

Anyway, not bad, just nothing happened.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

The set up of Patty's state was well done. The dialogue was a bit on-the-nose but it worked fine. I was a little confused as to why you had a new character, Melissa enter when you already had the Mother. Maybe she meets Patty at the mall? Sky was well-written. Could totally see her. There was an opportunity to create some tension while Patty's shopping. Maybe have Melissa suggest two stores -- and she goes to the first and Patty's not there -- the crying intensifies and the stroller is left behind that much longer -- it builds tension in the story. The twist at the end was nice but I wanted a bit more. Maybe Melissa doesn't even know that the girl coming for the crying baby is Patty and she tries to protect the child? Something to amp up the stakes. Still, this was an easy read and had no glaring errors. Good luck.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This got a good start, but it sort of didn't go anywhere. To have a story be memorable you need something to remember. Some scene that touches you or something where you're shocked or you're brought to tears.

With this story, you've got a good idea, shopping for a present. It could go many ways, but it basically plays out at the mall. Nothing memorable happens.

Patty goes to buy something for her sister, but ends up buying a bunch of stuff for herself. If this were part of a feature and a scene in a movie, it would be a good scene. But for a stand alone script and film, it needs more.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This didn't really feel like a complete story. I get the fact that Patty needed to start looking after herself rather than just her baby but the end wasn't really a satisfying ending for me. I think maybe if you hyped up in the beginning that she was unhappy or something that would help the ending as a payoff, but as it is she didn't seem too unhappy.

I liked your dialogue and I kind of liked Patty. Could just maybe use a redraft.

Good.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This was okay, but was a bit light in the way of story. There was never really enough happening or no real plot to keep me engaged. Essentially it boils down to a woman goes to a shop to buy a present for her sister, and while there buys some clothes for herself. Nothing wrong with that, but it is quite mundane.

I didn't really buy Patty's motivation for buying all those clothes for herself. Just because Sky insinuated that she was too old or whatever to shop there, why would Patty all of a sudden care about her image?

In terms of the actual writing, I found your style to be a bit inconsistent. Your first sentence, for example 'Pacifier sits next to a cordless phone on a side table.' Why not write 'A pacifier'? If you want that short, stoccato style, that's fine but you need to be consistent with it and not drop in and out with it.

Be careful with using 'begins to' in your writing. Does the character begin to do something and then stop? Or do they actually carry out the action that you have written?

This line, 'Ellie’s eyes flutter open. Melissa shoves a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth before she notices Ellie awake.' could be written better. It reads at first as though Melissa is shoving the spoon into Ellie's mouth due your use of the pronoun 'her'. Instead you could write it as 'Ellie's eyes flutter open. Melissa inhales a spoonful of icecream before she notices Ellie awake.'

I think your scene header of INT. MALL HALL, JUST OUTSIDE HOT TOPIC - DAY
would look better as EXT. HOT TOPIC - DAY
We know it's in the mall, you don't really need to specify that again. Saves space and looks cleaner.

Personally I wouldn't worry about being specific with the age of the baby. Does it really make a difference if the baby is 3, 6, 9 or 12 months? I would however, CAP the name ELLIE when you first introduce her. Also doublecheck for punctuation when you proofread.

All in all, good effort but there's a few things you could improve upon.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Felt like a 4 page build up to one punchline. I didn't really see the point of Ellie or even Melissa. This could work a lot better (in my opinion) if you kept everything focused on Patty. It's her story and everything else was just a distraction to me.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Watching this story on screen, in my opinion, would not excite because it just isn't compelling enough. That being said, the tone of your story remains true to itself throughout. I like the contrast between sisters. The opening phone call from mom foreshadows Patty's flightiness nicely; if mom has to remind Patty of her own sister's birthday, then you just painted a clear picture of what we should expect of Patty's character, so I think you have a firm grasp of the characters. I think what would make this excite more is, especially since you have more page to use at the end, is to really bring us into Patty's world in Hot Topic, try to get us to feel what she's feeling. If you directed this, how would you present her Hot Topic moment? She should be having a blast there. With a baby, she probably doesn't get out much, so let her soar in the store and I'll think you'll bring more emotion to this. Hope this helps. It does make me want to read anything else you may have.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

As I parent I can relate to Patty's wanting to get away from the kids. She seemed real with some depth to her.

The pay-off at the end didn't work for me -- we were suppose to think that Melissa was Patty's sister, right? I don't know why exactly -- and I'll try to figure it out -- but it fell quite flat for me.

Maybe it's because Patty left Ellie with Melissa, who obviously had no experience taking care of a child. That seems like something Patty would know whether Melissa was her sister or not.

So the reason this felt flat to me was because I didn't buy that aspect. The rest worked fine, but I'm hung up on the Ellie/Melissa dynamic -- but that's not a big deal since everything is good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 1:27 PM

Jeannie, I thought this was some your sharpest writing yet, especially in the detail work. Keep it up!

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 4/2/2011 1:41 PM

Thanks Kyle. It's undoubtedly the worst scores I've ever gotten, but I'm okay with it since I did write this in one sitting.