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"Cuddly Companion" by Audrey Webb ~ First Place

Logline: A young woman makes a tough choice about her new best friend.

Genre: Comedy

Cast Size: 4

Production Status: In Production

Contest: Deja Vu (Mar. 2011)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
0%0%18%50%32%

Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Page two had my in stitches! "Is he French? We're not sure. Possibly Canadian. " A tall, handsome man. Flosses his teeth. "He gets very excited about physical contact." And when he lights a Gauloise "Unfortunately he picked up some bad habits along the way." Fantastic how you maintain the comparison with a dog through what follows.

Priceless!

Very, very funny! Well-written also. Sorry to say I can't give you more than that. I enjoyed this one a lot, couldn't stop laughing as I kept reading!

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Very well written, formatted well, didn't spot any grammatical errors or typos.

The story was positively charming, quite clever too, a really amusing piece of work.

The whole story just flowed so freely it was almost entirely believable.

Loved it.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is fun and lighthearted. I enjoy the idea of men being held in a shelter like animals, to be picked up by women.

It's written in a nice lean style that is easy to follow. I'm not quite sure what an 'upscale' animal shelter is versus a 'regular' one, but no big deal.

I do think the ending fell a little flat and I was a little let-down by it. I know the lines had to repeat, and to be honest, that isn't where my hang-up is. The flatness came from Jacques, I was hoping he would come-up with a better story for why he was there instead of repeating the first lie.

Anyway, nice job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, paced and formatted very well. No problems there.

The story was entertaining and unique (albeit a little too feminist for my usual taste.) Overall, I thought this was a pretty fresh, funny script and I don't really have any feedback for you here. I enjoyed it.

Nice work!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

What a fun idea. I've never seen or read anything like this. I laugh out loud when I realize it was men she was looking at.

Very well done! It would make for a great short film.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This ranks around a twenty out of ten on the Weird-O-Meter. But in a good way, and it has the extra-added bonus of no vampires or zombies.

This was fun to read and well done. It's my eighth Excellent this month. Nice job.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

Denise Jewell (Level 5)

Nicely done. The surprize of the kennel works because of the odd setups you gave for the animals, making them seem almost human. And the scene at the apartment where Jacque is basically acting like a dog is funny, and flows nicely. This seems it would be a great little filler piece in the middle of a selection of twilight zone pieces. There isn't much substance here, but it is light and entertaining. Very good.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Quite amusing but I would have liked the satire to have had more bite. Perhaps it is because the joke is only at men's expense and doesn't take enough account of the folly of women in their choice of companion.

I think the cat and dog scene are redundant; it would be better to go straight to Jacques and let the satirical element be revealed as if this is normal procedure.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Your screenplay is humorous, engaging, unexpected, original and positively BRILLIANT!
What else is there to say... a perfect screenplay.

Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

summary: a woman chooses an adorable companion to take to its forever home

deja vu: worked well here "take your time. choosing a companion is a big decision."

comments: liked how the story strayed from the predictable to the alternate world * jacques' dialogue was pretty comical * the scene with the hands was visual gold * fit nicely into five pages * the attendant was a good character and should be named

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

This is perfect! It is clever, funny, entertaining and by far the best thing I've read here (and that's not just the booze talking!). This will win (if there is any justice in this world) and I will make it a favorite as soon as it is allowed. Fantastic job!

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This is very well written, clever and easy to read. I love the strangeness of it. The descriptions are vivid and clear dialogue. I love the part when she pushes him onto the balcony.
:)

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

My first excellent!
So unique. So creative.
I love how you had me engaged in the "animal shelter" and I was caught completely off guard. Nothing like being really wrong about where things are heading.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

YES!!! AMAZING!! HILARIOUS!!! This was tooooo funny! It was perfect! I have nothing bad to say about it. Excellent, excellent job.

I thought it was hilarious when he started smoking and she shoed him out to the balcony. Very clever.

Again, excellent job!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The premise is very interesting. I think you could do more with the premise, no exactly sure what but just more. Have it either over the top drama or comedy but give it a punch because the premise deserves it.
Otherwise she took a man from an "animal shelter" then returned it. The "He was brought to us just this morning" in the end is funny but not enough to make this excellent.
I do like it but I think it could be even better. Very well written too I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love this original story. An upscale kennel with a French guy. What a hoot!
Jacques's characterization is terrific. The touches of language like, "Bonjour, cheri," smoking French cigarettes (learned what a Gauloise is), and the over-the-top affection lavished on Beth all works.
Couldn't help wondering if the kennel should have hinted at actual animals and then had it turn out that this unusual kennel dealt only with humans. Mixing a cat, dog, and Jacques is different; the surprise might be describing the cat and dog and discovering they were human too. Just an idea...
Well written and fun.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Just plain hilarious. The humor works on several layers at once and successfully, in my opinion. It's not in-your-face, it's not potty-mouthed, it's a crazy comparison and it works!

The only quibble I have is the blatant and unnecessary misdirection of the dog and cat kennels in the first scene. Later on MEN'S HANDS are seen in every kennel: where did all the dogs and cats go? You could probably just start off with an establishing shot of an "Animal Shelter" and then go right in to meet Jacques. It starts the humor immediately and doesn't lead us thinking it'll be a much different kind of script.

That aside, Excellent work, my friend.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I laughed so hard! Apparently, the best scripts are coming up last for me this month.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like this surreal situation and how you don't explain it at all. The ending was great.

I think in a rewrite you could expand the middle section, when Jacques is getting into trouble. That could be really funny.

Very good.

Paolo Tinari (Level 3)

Nice and well written. Charachters are nice, the surreality is subtle and discreet, the comedy is good. So it' is ok, just missing "the bite" but this last comment was forced by the 200 characters goal.

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3)

Great script! Loved every word. I have nothing to suggest to make it any better. Excellent!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Interesting short.

Quite funny and I could see this working on the screen. It's very visual and easy going. The entire french stereotype feels a bit too forced and once you reveal the angle, you don't really give us anything unexpected anymore. I mean, she takes the guy home and all the standard stuff happens.

Still, nice fluid read, interesting premise, original and well written.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is a humorous farce and a good metaphor for men and the entire meeting people process. Jacques is a fun character, also.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a strong amusing story. I love the twist on the second page.

I wonder if this might be a little long for what you have. Specifically I’m not sure that the last scene added much for me because the story is Paula’s and having a wrap up without her in it seems odd.

“an average looking woman” – I get what you mean, but I’m not sure it’s a good description.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is really really cute! I loved it. Very funny and unique. The dialogue was great!

The title needs to be stronger. This script is so great that I can see it getting made, so you want to think up a very clever title for it.

The ending needed something. I liked it, but the first four pages were so strong, that I felt the ending sort of fizzled out.

I gave this a very good. I really enjoyed it a lot. I hope it does well this month.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Excellent and very, very funny premise. I would have liked to have seen more of the human pets as there's a lot of possible laughs you could get from different types of men.

I'll give this top marks as it's very well written and is one of the funniest premises I've read on this site.

Excellent.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Funny premise, and you executed it quite well. I'd say that it's 90% there and just needs polishing in a couple of places and this would work very well on screen.

Writing and formatting was very clean, overall I give this a very good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Very cute. I would've liked to have seen you explore this concept a bit more instead of returning it back to the beginning. Still, a very original script. Good job!


Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2011 12:05 AM

Congratulations. This was great. I will be really surprised if someone doesn't shoot this soon.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:11 AM

Wow! You rocked this one!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:15 AM

Congratulations Audrey!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2011 12:22 AM

Congrats!!! This was really really good!

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:24 AM

Congratulations. You nailed this one.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2011 12:29 AM

Congrats! I loved it.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:30 AM

Congratulations AW. This story was terrific. What a talent you are.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 1:56 AM

I didn't review this, but saw your scores and had to read it. Nice work! It flowed great and had a nice subtle humor to it. It was refreshing. The smoking would give it an 'R' rating though. ;)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 2:05 AM

Congrats! Comedies rarely place I think but yours did!

Bob Johnson (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2011 3:25 AM

Very well done, I knew this would be right up there.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 3:41 AM

Congrats Audrey, loved the concept. I can't wait to see this filmed.

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 10:07 AM

Thank you all so very much! This is such a nice way to start a new month. =^)

Denise Jewell (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 10:09 AM

Congratulations! I'm so glad this won. This is something I imagined as a film while I read it and that doesn't always happen. Excellent writing. Well deserved!

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 3:16 PM

Yay! Well deserved.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2011 10:08 PM

Excellent job, Aubrey. I really loved this entry.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 5/2/2011 12:23 AM

Great job, Audrey!!! Super scores!

Ed Jones (Level 4) ~ 5/2/2011 2:53 AM

Congtatulations, Audrey. Sooo sexist and fun to read too. Irresistable combination!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2011 2:24 PM

I didn't get to read this during the challenge but just read it now and loved it! So cute and quirky. GREAT job Audrey and congrats on 1st place!!!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2011 5:17 PM

Congratulations, Audrey! Well deserved.

Audrey Webb (Level 5) ~ 5/4/2011 11:03 AM

Thanks again, everyone. I've tried for a long time to place in a contest here...finally got on the scoreboard, and it feels great!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/4/2011 11:09 AM

Fantastic, Audrey!

Due to pressure of time, I didn't get to review ANY scripts last month.

I loved this and am SO glad you won. About time!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 5/6/2011 3:03 PM

Great script, Audrey.
Very funny. This gets made, I'll betcha.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 5/16/2011 5:07 PM

Hilarious! I love it.


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The following members have selected this script as one of their favorites:

Brian Howell ~ Dan Delgado ~ Stephen Brown ~ Fred Koszewnik ~ Jeannie Sconzo ~ Greg Tonnon ~ Marnie Mitchell Lister ~ Patrick Skaggs ~ Kyle Patrick Johnson ~ Faith Friese Nelson ~ Hitaish Sharma ~ James Resendes ~ Basil Sunshine ~ Hassan Saddiq ~ Mike Senkpiel