Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Grammatical error on page one: the sentence:

"Donna's eyes dart around to the other workers behind the desk including Max busily works."

is not well-formed.

Superb first page, if I may say so! Fantastic lean writing. Great characterization of MAx, Katie and Donna, and immediately clear conflict. Hooks me, makes me want to know how it ends. Great job!

Page two: Katie delivering exposition (saying how much her mother helped her) was a bit out of character. She has a crazy woman in front of her, and she's afraid she'll do a poor job. She's not going to open up like that. Rather, she won't say a thing, I suspect.

Page two, and over to page three, you say twice that the phone rang.

That Max is a terrible man! He sees Donna, knows she is trouble, knows Katie is new, and he doesn't help her!

Katie is the hero we're rooting for, and Max is the protagonist who pushes the story forward with his decisions and actions. The premise seems to be; if you don't care about doing a good job, then the people around you cannot do a good job either.

It feels like half of a story somehow. Katie just made a decision to tick a checkbox, and immediately she's lunged into a new world when she discovers she did something really bad. But her real, deeper, story-worthy problem is she needs to gain more self-confidence. So in a longer version of this story you could have her pay Max back for the fact that he didn't help her.

I really hope you expand on this story, because the writing is great and the conflicts are strong. I think it is a great start.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written little story, formatted well, near the end Max says 'I'll care of things here', think perhaps that should have been 'take care of things'.

Story was paced fine, got to the end in only four pages, I felt Katie gave in a tad too easily and there was room to play out the 'deviousness' of Donna.

Why didn't Max tip the wink to Katie about Donna's previous antics?

A nicely written piece nonetheless.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This ends rather abruptly. There was a lot of set-up with all the crying and the talking, and then BAM! "Oh, she comes in all the time, I know you sent her on her way." Fade Out. What I don't understand is that you had another page and a half that you could have really played with the situation and her guilt or concern about this lady's situation. It kind of felt more like a skit than a film.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Katie is not properly introduced.

Written, formatted and paced pretty well, but it could be tightened up a little bit.

The story here didn't really do much for me. I didn't believe that a new teller would get into a conversation like that with a random customer on her first day so that amade a good deal of this seem forced. It was good that there was a punchline because so many of these scripts are lacking any sort of twist, climax or punchline at the end. Unfortunately, I didn't find the punchline to be all that funny, but an unfunny one is better than none at all.

Overall, nice effort. It needs some polish, but you're off to a good start.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

You got across that there was a lot of tension when Katie had to deal with Donna and decide between following the law or following her own feelings of compassion. I was able to understand her position, not knowing what to do and finding it hard to turn the woman away with her supposed situation.

You just forgot to put FADE IN: or FADE OUT. at the beginning and the ending of your script.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The writing here is fine and I was curious to see what the end/twist would be.

It's interesting, but I'm not sure I believe it and if I don't, the impact is lessened.

Still, I did enjoy this, I just wish it felt more natural.

Dan DeAngelis (Level 1)

Really descriptive writing. Felt like I could see the expressions on Katie's face so vividly when she learns about Donna being crazy.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Well written and although you'd normally expect to see a vampire or zombie at the Department of Motor Vehicles, it was refreshing not to for a change.

The dialogue is crisp, this flowed well and you gave us a character to care about. It was a breeze to read and I would like to see where this story goes.

This is my fourth Excellent this month.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

David Patterson (Level 3)

I wasn't really engaged in this script. I got really confused in the beginning all the moving and actions were a bit confusing. I also didn't connect with the characters. Maybe the dialogue could be sharper...maybe a little more mysterious...everything was too spelled out for me. Maybe if there was more tension...I don't know. I found myself sort of lulled into boredom....but I know there's a sense of humor in the piece it just needs to be sharper. Keep up the writing

Ed Jones (Level 4)

I found this to be an unsatisfying read for although 'next' does meet the requirements of the contest it does it barely and without any irony or humour.
'Katie In Training' is left unsupervised to deal with a known 'crazy' and is inevitably manipulated by her. The fault is plainly with Max but we are left with no sense of resolution as Katie 'slumps' off to lunch leaving Max to announce 'next'. It would have been great if we had been left with a clearer idea that Max himself was soon to be in trouble.
The script is also confusing. The second slug has 'DAY LATER' yet Max says 'sorry I couldn’t help you earlier' with reference to Donna of the day before.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A pleasant, well crafted screenplay.

My best criticism is that it may need a heightened sense of tension and conflict to make it more engaging. Perhaps if Katie watched Max ruthlessly fire another employee for incompetence (or even herself in a dream sequence?) Something to kick up the tension?

Hope these thoughts help.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

summary: A clerk at the DMV meets a weekly visitor

deja vu: nicely done having Max say it for the closing

comments: as for the story nice idea but needed some sitcom like antics to really sell it * it reads like a skit with a one liner at the end * though i did chuckle at the end * good job

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

You need to add FADE IN: AND FADE OUT. Katie in training should be in quotes so we know what is on the badge (I'm believe (22) is not). The title is fine but the story is a little light. You had another page you could have used to add some depth to your story. At first I thought Donna's dialogue was a bit unrealistic but finding out that she comes in every week with a new story explains that.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

The story has potential, but I didn't quite buy the ending. If Donna is notorious for making up stories, it doesn't make sense that Max wouldn't say something. If he can say "check the manual" then he can say "She's lying" - It would work better if Max had to leave for some reason, and Katie was really on her own.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Max Who busily works.

Katie specifically talking about what her mom did for her seems unrealistic.

I'll TAKE care of thing here.

That was a funny, but sort of predictable and unrealistic. I think the fact that the woman's sob story was so dramatic, it didn't seem true. And the whole ID thing would have been taken care of by the police department. Yeah, not everyone knows that, but no one in their right mind would believe a person telling them such a story in this day and age. Especially a 22 year old girl. Maybe if you said she was 80 or something, then I would understand.

But overall, it was a fun little tale which I enjoyed. I know you didn't really write it to be picked apart by how realistic it is.

Good job.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's an easy read - easy to follow story.
The story is good but somehow feels incomplete. I think it's because we learn so little about Donna - why she's doing that. I also wouldn't want to hear the reason from Max - I think there's exposition in his last words, plus the way the info was relayed to us is not very visual, I think. So I'm for finding a better way to tell us that Donna makes up crazy reasons to fool people. And also let us know why. The reason for her doing so should be heart-renching and related to her mother-daughter story that she just told perhaps.
Good Luck.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love the sentiment, and the reveal is great. Everyone is new one time at something; this episode at the DMV captures the emotion perfectly.
The little details break up the dialog nicely. The time reflected on the clock, Donna cutting in front of the Elderly Man, a phone rings, Katie flipping through a manual, forms, a smiling Mr. Burns being sent to the next line. The story flows, one relevant incident after another. Then Katie -- post 911 -- takes a chance, and she's wrong. Yikes.
Real picky -- perhaps generalize the ages. Katie could be early 20s, Max 40s, Donna mid 30s, and Mr. Burns 60s. Makes for broader appeal in casting.
Really enjoyable. The title is terrific. Excellent, beginning to end.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I think this story suffers from a lack of consequences. Katie obviously did the wrong thing, and now she knows it, but so what? What's the consequence of her faulty choice? Do people get hurt or harmed? Does Katie lose her job? I think you've only provided us with half the story.

Of course, I've been in enough DMVs now to know that this scenario is so unlikely that it would never happen. It's not just Max who's Katie's boss, it's the government, and there's no way a simple sob story is going to sway Katie. Government employees famously appear cold-hearted because they apply one set of rules to everybody regardless of the sob story given. So, for that reason, the story seemed unbelievable to begin with.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title's okay.

Use ALL CAPS when you introduce a character. I think it was an oversight with Katie because of the wording you chose... You introduced her with a descriptive and followed that with her name tag. You didn't get around to introducing her by name for a couple of lines.

"Donna’s eyes dart around to the other workers behind the desk including Max busily works." It almost seems like you were editing this line and missed something... Maybe took something out or put something in without adjusting the rest of the sentence to accommodate the change. Watch that. I know from personal experience it's sometimes hard to miss.

The rest is okay. Nothing wrong with the formatting other than what I pointed out above. The spelling and punctuation are good.

The story is okay, but that's all. You've got a beginning, a middle and an end... It's just not very interesting.

The strongest element is Donna, and it's clear she's nuts and/or obnoxious from word one. She behaves differently when Max is gone (she must know him somehow...)

In the beginning you introduce an ELDERLY MAN, and at the end you introduce MR. BURNS. Why have you introduced them so differently? One with a name and one with a descriptive? Two hours have passed, so they aren't the same person... They basically serve the same type of function in the story. Why the inconsistency?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The ending's pretty cynical, but I like it.

I'm not sure if Katie would completely open up to a stranger, but she might be the kind of person who does that.

Excellent.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Interesting story, nice stone in the stomach-feeling at the end.
Drops the mood at the last moment and I really like that.

Action lines were very clumsy though, often I had to re-read sentences, not because of typo's but because they were worded quite strangely.

Too many specific characters as well. At the end you introduce another Mr. Burns, but he gets no lines. So what does his name mean then? Don't introduce people you aren't going to use.

The repeating line was utilized pretty good.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

Although this didn't flow as I think it could of in the first few pages the ending was nicely done. I kind of saw it coming but that doesn't take anything away for me.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Funny we both have the same title for our scripts this time. I liked your story. I really like a story with a lot of dialogue. This would be a fun film, easy to shoot because of the one location.

I think you could trim the dialogue just a little. Take out every word that's not really necessary to push the story forward. It will flow even faster.

Nice job. I didn't guess how you were going to end it, I was believing her story too!

Wonder what's gonna happen now she has her license. Maybe that's another story?

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was written well but I was left unsure to the point of it really. It was obvious that Donna was trying to con Katie and she was pretty stupid for falling for it.

I'm guessing Katie's goal is to succeed in her new job. She fails. End of the story. That doesn't really work for me.

There was only the one technical error - you forgot to capitalize Katie's introduction - so I'll give this a fair.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

It's always a good idea to put a Fade Out or something similar on your scripts to indicate the story is finished.

Story was okay, didn't do a lot for me. I couldn't see any real reason why this woman would go there every week if she keeps getting sent away. And if she was a known nuisance then wouldn't a manager or someone have asked her to leave before she got served? And why would the boss ignore the request of a girl who is in training when he knows the customer she is serving is a conwoman?

Overall I'll give this a good, just not really enough here to make it memorable.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

What was the point of this story? The writing was really good but a story was nonexistent. Felt like this whole script was one big setup to a punchline that was neither funny nor worth reading.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:38 AM

One of my two excellents this month. How did this not place?

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:42 AM

My favorite this month. You know how to make people care about a character with few words. It makes a good opening for a longer story.