Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I think you could shorten and tighten your descriptions up a bit. Some of the more poetic stuff would work really well in a short story (and is really nice), but in a script I think simplicity works better. Trust the audience (or future director) to interpret specific but very limited imagery. You don't need to say that rain fell like bullets, you can just say sharp, heavy rain falls.

Also, you introduce a MAN first, then JOE. they're the same person, so I don't think that you want to do that. In a short story, it would create suspense but in this format, it's a little confussing.

The dialog could be a little more natural sounding. If you take another pass or two at it, you could bring more character speceficity to it as well. Right now your character feels a little like a generic soldier. if we saw more of him, as a dimensional individual, we would be more invested in not wanting HIM to die as opposed to just not wanting anyone to die.

The end's pretty heavy-handed. This is clearly an issue that you feel really strongly about. I really felt that the stat. about missing/dead vietnam soldiers was strong. I think you would make the point that these soldiers deserve honor more strongly by not telling your audience to do so in such a direct way. we'll get that with the script itself and the statistic that brings the story to reality.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This is very good. It's intense and gripping. I think some of the dialogue could be trimmed -- I don't know, I think in a life-or-death situation like that one, I probably would be saving my breath for running. For me, I think the ending would be more effective without the message. Maybe there's a way to show that it's Vietnam without actually putting it in a super at the end? Maybe just a super at the beginning. Your story makes its point without the message.

AJ Smith (Level 2)

The story you told, while technically sound, did little to expound on the idea put forth by your title. Joe (or Alex?) seems more a victim, not a hero. If you're going the route of "Remember our Heroes," I'd like to see a heroic story.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Not sure who ALEX was on the last page, but well written nevertheless. A few moments of expositional dialogue, but nothing too bad. The ending felt slightly exploitational. The script says nothing about Nam we don't know already know. It felt like a tacked on sentiment to squeeze emotion from the reader. That said it was very well written.

Andrew Jones (Level 2)

The imagery was done really well. I felt the character was real, so every life changing injury came as a shock. Very impressively wrote.

My only problem comes with the story, it isn't your fault, but I am from UK and the Vietnam war has had very little effect on me. Also, I generally don't like things to do with wars, they don't appeal to me at all.

The final point is that at the end, it made it seemed more of an advert or something than a short story, though this could have been intentional.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Wow. VERY powerful and sad. I was really affected by this one. Only criticism, you named the character Alex for one bit of dialogue when you meant Joe. Great job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was good. Well written and with a message. Nice job, but here are the few points of constructive criticism I have on this one... First, the title gave away too much. I knew before I read one word that the character would die. Second, the guy got shot three times and managed to keep his wits about him enough to find his way out of a jungle. I'm not a doctor, but I think a person would probably go into shock at some point there. Granted, he was a Marine, but he was presented as a lost and scared "string bean" so I just had a hard time believing this guy was running around the jungle alone with 3 gunshot wounds. Overall, nice job though.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

Your opening i felt was well done. It got my attention. And the descriptions were very wel done, you imagied this place to the 'tee'. From his helmet bobbing to his frantic breathing to his combat boots.

I've got nothing bad to say. Everything was great. This is probably my fav so far. I think it's a lock in to be in the top of the list.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

When I read this I was convinced it had to be DQd because of the sudden appearance of someone called Alex. I'm assured by Chris that this was a typo not another person. Consider yourself lucky! And next time PLEASE be careful - that was one serious blunder that could have cost a very good script a place in the competition.

Yes - very good, engaging, and you managed to get Joe talking to himself in a way that seemed credible. I've read quite a few now where the speech seemed very forced and unnatural and I wanted to see screenplays that didn't rely on it at all but you've succeeded in bucking the trend.

There were only a few places where I though it was overdone - for example, the speech starting 'Getta grip..'

But very good! Blood-thirsty but not gratuitously so.

Charles Gilmore (Level 2)

Well written story. Good visuals throughout.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the way you use visuals to tell this story, Joe's story. It works very well, focusing on this one man.

I also think its very effective never seeing the enemy. Just watching and rooting for Joe as he slowly loses his battle.

Personally, the title and the end title about Vietnam are unnecessary for me. I think it is more powerful when it isn't about a specific war (even though this is clearly Vietnam). Surely men in every war and on every side, have died alone and valiantly like this.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Awesome. Very well written, it was easy to keep up with our marine.

Two things brought me out of the story. The first is when you had him say out loud.. SNIPER. It was obvious it was a sniper and just kind of brought me out when he said it. The second thing was I am not sure who Alex is. Did you change his name or did I just miss something.

Other than that, good one!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Not a very happy story, for sure. The ending makes it more of a PSA.

The story flows smoothly, lots of good action, but I did feel a little let down with the ending.

I believe it's flak jacket, not flack.

When Joe gets shot, I don't think his comment of "Sniper" is really necessary or useful.

It took me a minute to understand "Step - CLICK. Step - CLICK." Don't know that everyone will understand it's a Claymore, but maybe I don't give the audience enough credit. The V.O.'s at the end didn't do much for me.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Nice story described in wide screen technicolor. Right mix of description and action. Nice pace. Pretty amazing the amount of pain and suffering the hero could take and function alertly, but necessary. Very good to excellent.

Severe gig, one way or the other, on top of pg 5: either an un-id'd char spoke or Joe became Alex briefly. Inserted a big interrupt in the story. Shame. It puts a big hit on the scoring.

Title maybe overly stated towards somber flag draping.

John Foley (Level 4)

I liked the action here it sets up danger and that sense of urgency. But to me here the Alex Voice over is another character which is outside of the parameters of this month.

Journey Johari (Level 1)

I loved it thought I felt that some of the description could be a litle tighter. I found myself holding my breath which almost never happens. Kudos on that! I also appreciate the need to remember the fallen. That alone was enough to bring a tear.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This was a "very good" until the ending. The piece was so strong and visceral and a true page turner...full of suspense and great action. And then...the end. You had such an amazing image with his lying in the muck all blown to hades and the American flag waving in the back ground. And then you completely undercut the power of the image by giving us a newcast of info and then TELLING us how to feel. Please lose the words at the end. I promise it doesn't do anything but take us out of the moment.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I wouldn't use cut to, leave that to the director. Also don't use pov, again that would be for the director to decide. You also have to work on your descriptive. Well the descriptions of the scenes are good, they are a bit choppy.

Overall a well written story.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

You’ve got some intense conflict going on here, which is quickly introduced. Having an unseen sniper was a clever way of using a human menace while sticking to the challenge’s rules. These are the things I liked the most here.

You paint vivid images in the reader’s mind although (especially at the beginning) I’d say you describe too much. It’s true that it’s your job to feed the reader’s imagination, but you also have to trust it.

You’ve got some tiny bits where you couldn’t resist the temptation to fall into the monologue trap. People hardly talk themselves. It looks unnatural. Yet the meat of the conflict is told mostly visually. Kudos on that.

Who’s Alex? Did you mix up the character’s name?

And you’ve got a message here. In just 5 pages. That’s indeed a good thing, although I must say that superimposing your message is not the most subtle way of communicating it. Subtlety is always the key as far as “theme” is concerned.

Overall I think you did a good job.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

You had fun writing that, didn't you?

It was well written. Had a couple of issue with it though. The first was, and I don't believe I'm saying this, some of the dialogue would have been better as VO. Such as:

Get a grip Marine. There's nothing.
Just your imagination. Look, it's
safe.

And the ending IMHO just cheapened the whole experience and made it feel like a commercial.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I really liked this one.

Like the way you write. Short terse sentences that moves the story along at a brisk pace.

You have some description that can't be filmed, but it didn't bother me.

My only beef with this story was the (V.O) by Alex. It was supposed to be ONE carachter only. Still I give this a Very Good. I liked it!

Pia

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Some on the nose dialog. In the beginning I would not have him speak anything, just do. To speak goes against all of his training, so you've forced the dialog in there because you felt it necessary? I've never been there, maybe you have, but even so, someone alone in enemy territory does not risk talking and being heard, at least I would think so.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Powerful stuff. Strong, electric military piece. Vivid descriptions, so real that I felt like I was there. A gem. I couldn't honestly offer a way to improve upon it. I read this one early on and came back to it several times for pure enjoyment. Wonderful script. This one will be hard to beat this month. One of my top three for this contest.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt as Joe was the only character up until you had Alex speak at the end. ???

I love how you put your character in the most dire of circumstances.

I'll judge this one on the merits. This was a great story. This is a movie. I could see his ear getting ripped off. Pretty cool stuff.

I wouldn't have Joe talk to himself. It didn't ring true.

Very good

Robin Williams (Level 3)

Love the opening of this. Very well-written, visual. Nice.

Didn’t like the “Meet U.S. Marine…” Just seemed jarring.

A few questions:

Why would Joe say “Hoo Raw” when he’s just been shot? Wouldn’t he want to be quiet as he ducked and scurried away?

Who is Alex? Did you mean to write Joe?

Overall, some terrific writing here. Believe it or not, I didn’t expect him to die at the end. I guess the superimposed info helped put it in context.

Clearly this story involved another person because he killed Joe. Knowing there was another person chasing him made me think the script cleverly got around the rule.

Still, an interesting script.

Roger Pine (Level 3)

First off, this script violates two of the entry guidelines for this contest: No dead bodies and no off-screen voices. Second, where did Alex come from on page 5? There is only supposed to be one person in the script, and I thought the story was all about Joe.

Other than that, it was well written and very visual. It was a compelling story that captured my attention, although a little too graphic for my tastes. I like the idea though. We should definitely "Remember Our Heroes." We just shouldn't remember them with body parts blown off...but rather who they were as human beings.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

A well written story, with a lot of emotion. I felt pain for Joe and what he went through. Your character description of Joe was excellent! I could see that string bean kid with the too large helmet.
Well done! I think your script is one of the best I've read. You pay attention to detail, correct format and good storytelling

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

A very nice and touching script. The descriptions were well written, it was like I was there. On the top of page 5 you had Alex(VO), I'm guessing you meant Joe(VO).

This story should remind us of what our soldiers are going through for our country and our freedom. I'm proud to say I served my duty in the military. Great story.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Breathtaking, terrifying and surreal. I felt the rain and tasted the blood.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

I remember how I felt after seeing Platoon in the theater, felt the same way after reading this short. Nothing more to say to say than, Yes, I surely will.

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Please read the rules of the month. No off-screen voices allowed.

Please proofread. There are grammar issues here;
'Snaps to attention...'
'Tips up the canteen...'
'Squeezed the nubs...'
... are all missing a subject. There were many others, too.

In terms of story, a Marine trying to get back to his unit could work well, there needs to be more than just running, getting shot and dying involved.

Judging by the superimpositions at the end of this, you are trying to make a nationalistic propaganda reel... which is a first for me as a reader. Odd!

William Coleman (Level 5)

Having been there, I found your descriptions of combat vivid and very real. The sense of surreal fear of the unseen is nightmarish and powerful. Being pinned down is the ultimate fear. Some of us get out. Others don't. I don't know your experiences in this sort of situation, but your piece has a sense of reality, of your having been there, too.

Bloody, yes. Would that the young thinking of enlisting now would see a piece as ugly as this. Combat is not glorious. It is a horrible grind. I wish 18 year olds gung ho to enlist could see this sort of thing.

Negatives - a progression, a sense of hope reversed in a following moment, drama, rather than a series of sensations. I found the ending weak. You state the obvious. We see this man's bravery. no need to say it. Let us say it. Good work that could have been great.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2007 9:18 AM

This is easily my favorite story you've written so far. It's a shame about the typo on the last page as I fear it confused a couple people. Still, this was extremely well done and I think it would make a great little film.

Bryan Mora (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2007 11:10 AM

Let me tell you that even i was scared for you when i read the last page, becuase i thought this was a top three short for sure. I can't wait to read your stuff in the future.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2007 6:54 PM

Spencer, I could not believe that this did not place. I actually read this early in the month and weeks went by without a script touching it for the top spot as far as I was concerned. I had this in my top three for sure and I hope you so something with it. Best of luck.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 11/3/2007 1:56 PM

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I guess I screwed myself with that one error of Alex instead of Joe in the script. My bad. At first I had the character named Alex and decided Joe for G.I. Joe might make more sense.

I do agree with losing the end super imposes and tighening the dialogue. Someone suggested V.O. You know in this case I think that works quite nicely. I was kind of going for effect and the twighlight zone thing.

Anyway, thank you to all. I really appreciate your honest feedback.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/4/2007 1:49 PM

I wasn't one of those guys who objected to the title or suggested VO!

The title - well, I guess it IS better, but now I think about it, Red Jungle just doesn't quite do it for me. I'm not sure why. It's better than Remember Our Heroes but could be even better still. I am glad you lost the super though.That WAS cheesy.

With regard to the VO - some of the things he said would be very powerful if he screamed them out loud, I think. It lost something for me ALL being VO.

Still very good, but I thought it was very good before and I don't think anything you've done has changed my opinion!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/4/2007 7:13 PM

First, I thought it was very good before and I like it even more now.

I agree with Caroline, I'm glad you lost the super and I think you can still improve the title. I also like her suggestion about not keeping it all VO.

Still, as is, I think this will make a very powerful film.

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 11/4/2007 7:34 PM

Spencer,
I really liked this story the first time around. I think the rewrite is even better.

I would eliminate some of the voice over, especially near the end. Have him lie there, waiting...and waiting. Your descriptions are so vivid, it would have a huge impact w/o the voice over.

The zipping bullet is great Spencer.

Love it.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 11/5/2007 9:50 AM

Again, thanks to all those that visited my rewrite. I have once more taken all of your valued suggestions and improved.

The title is now the very original title of "Operation Jungle Joe." Why I deviated from that I will never know. That is the title and I'm sticking to it.

I did cut back on the heavy V.O. A few comment shouted out in between rambling thoughts in Joe's mind.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/7/2007 10:02 AM

Nice work, Spencer. This was one of my favorites from the last competition. I love the visuals. I do think you could cut a few action lines. Go through and take out every word that's not necessary. Examples below.

I think that would make it even more powerful.

Tall thin yellow weeds and beautiful blue wild flowers
illuminate the dreariness of this place.

Take out the word 'beautiful' it doesn't add anything, blue wild flowers are beautiful. (growing up in England, I had an English teacher who hated the word 'beautiful' as a descriptive word, she knocked off marks for using that word!

A giant palm tree branch lands right in front of his next
step

Do you need the word 'right'? Could it be just as effective without it?

A bullet rips his earlobe clean off his ear. Joe cries out
in severe pain.

You don't need the word 'severe'.

You could put
Joe cries out in agony.

Also you could easily take out some of the voice over at the end of the script. I think it would be stronger with only a few utterances.

Anyway, please take my comments as an effort to tighten what is already a fantastic short script, with great moments throughout.

Nice work!!! Love the 'Stringbean' description.. see that one word speaks volumes.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/15/2007 6:08 PM

I read both, and I have to say they are very similar and both very good. I do like the way the rewrite ended far better than the first. Any man or woman serving is a hero, so that goes without saying.

I felt like there was less dialogue in the rewrite, and I like it that way. I do feel the words would be better served as VO's. Very powerful piece that was well written on both accounts.

The images and descriptions were precise. Great job.