Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

In the first action paragraph; I'd do the research to find a real museum that looks like the one you're going for.

An 18-year-old cunning thief? I don't really believe that. A girl that age lives with her parents yet and hasn't seen much of the world yet.

Violet hair doesn't tell us much about her, other than that her appearances are important to her. Breaking into this museum looks like a pose this way.

"She turns into a room", my first mental image when I read "turns into" is of some one changing into something else. So that sentence put the wrong image in my head.

The sentences need polishing here and there. Example on page one: "She comes to the edge of roof." should either be "edge of THE roof" or "roof edge".

I'm having a hard time imagining things. Lots of questions unanswered. How big is the painting? I mean, if she can carry it in it's frame, it is pretty small, isn't it? Frames can be heavy. Or does the cut the painting, the canvas, out of the frame, maybe? How come the glass shatters but it doesn't damage the painting behind it in any way? I mean if she shoots straight at that glass, the glass will splinter backwards toward the painting right? What type of painting is is actually? And why is it vulnerable? Oil paint is rather durable actually. The glass might be there to prevent people from cutting it up. DRAWINGS, on paper, can be fragile though.

Page 2, why would policemen ever drop their guns?

Page 2, a high way of hover cars congested in the sky? Why would they line up if they can fly anywhere?

Page 2, "She slightly nods." should be "She nods slightly."

It is a step-by-step, blow-by-blow description of action. My attention started to drift away on page 3. A lot of activity without pushing the story forward.

You introduce so many details that I lose track. Nine tails, mechanical wings sprout from the creature's chest plate.

Page 4: teenager's room, swimming in wealth? Wouldn't she rather then have some mansion or villa or some such? And "A wooden chair is slipped underneath the locked door." If you slip something underneath a door, it goes through a very narrow slit under the door doesn't it? How would the door fit under a door?

"parkour", what is that? A 19-year-old girl with a baseball bat in her bedroom?

Page 6, how do you inhale pancakes? Also, the conversation at the breakfast table doesn't push the story forward, provide information or characterization.

I thought stealing the painting was significant to the story, but now I understand it was just to characterize Alycie. You're using the first ten pages to introduce your characters. So there is no story told yet, just exposition, back-story. Good that you have the back-story in place, but don't start the story by telling us. Start with the action, and then weave in the back-story invisibly throughout the telling.

I like the futuristic atmosphere you portray, very powerful!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

This is an interesting concept and the script has a lot of potential.

It's good that the action gets started quickly, but not so good that we have no investment in these characters and no idea what their motivations are. Why is she stealing the painting? Just for fun? Why is the other one jumping over rooftops? The audience will want to know this. Maybe insert some clues or start a little earlier in the story.

I am not completely sure what is happening in some parts. I read it twice and I'm still not sure. Example: The "runner" turns into Alycie... and I think by the runner you mean Terra, but I am by no means certain. Try to just plainly state what actually happens as it will be seen and heard, with the character's names specified. I feel certain that you know what is going on in these scenes, but try to convey to the reader what you see more clearly. If the script is too hard to understand, the reader might stop reading and you don't want that.

Some of the writing needs a little bit of revision for clarity. Example: "Her shoes echo against the siren." (I'm not sure how the noise from shoes could echo against another noise?) Also "mono-a-mono" should be "mano-a-mano" (Spanish).

Keep at it! I hope to see another draft.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Did you by any chance create Terra from the nine tailed demon fox in "Naruto"? If so, kudos! Either way, it's an impressive creature.

Great visuals of the skycars and Alycie's room.

I don't understand the relationship between Mistress and Alycie. Your logline professes friendship between the two. Is the friendship referring to Alycie and Princess Kelli?

The last scene feels sudden. One minutes Alycie is on tv, the next she's on the attack against Mistress.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Continuous is mis-used several times in the sluglines.

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well, although there were spots I noticed that could stand to be tightened up a bit.

The story here... I don't know. I felt like I was having trouble creating a mental picture of what I'd be seeing onscreen, especially at some of the more fantasy/sci-fi spots. I feel like we got a better grip on the Mistress character than we did on the protagonist, Alycie.

The action scenes were okay, but felt a little generic. How many times have we seen 1 unarmed person fight off a squad of cops? I can think of at least a half dozen films that have a scene just like that.

Another thing I wasn't a huge fan of was the complex names. I realize you wanted them to seem futuristic and that's fine, but if I have trouble reading or pronouncing them, then it becomes a distraction that affects the flow of the script.

While the script was well-written, but despite all the fighting and parkour going on, the story left me a little cold. I didn't get a real firm grasp on any of the characters (except Mistress) and had trouble envisioning what I'd be seeing on screen.

Nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

INT. ART MUSEUM - NIGHT
An ornate art museum, dark and quiet with the midnight hour.
Ancient styles mix with new-age, futuristic pieces.
A shrill alarm rips through the museum.

You've told us it's a museum THREE times. Only once required!

Personally, I find it difficult to read page after page of action...

I've read it all through twice and I'm confused...very many characters to assimilate in my mind, plots and sub-plots...I'm going to come back to this when I'm fresh but BE WARNED - I don't think I should have to be so challenged when reading a screenplay...

It was much better the third time around...although I still don't quite grasp what is going on here.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is wonderful.

You do a fantastic job of creating this new world and introducing these characters. I love how you jump right into the action and intercut the scenes.

I think it can be a little hard to follow it all the first time through, but it is worth it. Your imagination is awesome.

Excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

probably one of the more original stories submitted this month...too much "blow by blow" of every fight scene...and what's worse, their motivations aren't clear...why would the police drop their guns?..that's when you lost me...characters actions must be organic...in other words, they must happen as a result of the situation, or a previous disposition to act a certain way...if they don't, then you'd better have a better reason than "challenge accepted"...huh?...if this painting is so valuable, then the police would never drop their weapons on a dare...sorry, this one didn't work for me on any level...

David Serra (Level 4)

I love this concept! Alycie is a likable heroine, Syzoi is deliciously devious, and the setup is breathtaking. I look forward to reading more about this story and what happens with the fate of the characters.

Overall, This is absoulutley EXCELLENT!!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Good introduction. Very visual and action filled. I can definitely see this as a film. You introduce the two women well, although I'm confused as to if they even know each other, or are friends. It may be the 10 page cut is when we are about to find out. Nice job of setting up the future world. I expect this to move on so we will get to see more.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

An imaginative concept that is broadly well realized and is ideally suited to CGI treatment giving it possible wide appeal to a young adult audience.

It has good pace, effectively formatted with short scenes switching between plot and sub-plot. There is a good variety of characters set an imaginatively conceived city -- the image conveyed of 'the underground' is particularly graphic -- along with ingenious gadgets and a mechanical flying 'demon'. All of which would appeal to the target audience.

However, the description is uneven in parts and not quite adequate to clearly convey what is in the writer's mind.

The scene between 'Mistress', and the police is not convincing in its conception, though the action here is well described. It seems inexplicable why the police would let 'their weapons fall to the ground' and agree to fight hand to hand merely by invitation of their adversary.

'Terra' is an imaginative invention but needs a little more description for us to visualize it. 'Hulking' and 'demon' goes some way; 'fox', though, doesn't quite work for something that has an 'indefinately' large interior, sprouts wings and flies, and has nine tails. It is a fantastic creation worthy of a word or two more in its introduction.

'falters to the ground' = falters, then falls to the ground?
mono-a-mono = mano-a-mano, hand to hand
'rattles with rounds shot'
'slipped underneath' = wedged
'attractively endearing man hiding behind a false grin' Not convincingly described for a major antagonist.
'a miniature dragon, SPIRIT' Introduced but plays no further part.
'The two princess sisters sit on opposite ends.' Not clearly described. Ends of what?
'rolls across the tarmac, sticking 'her landing' obscure meaning

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Summary: A thief escapes after a museum robbery and runs into a 19 year old royal heir on the roof of the palace. Revolutionaries plot to take over in 64 days.

Fair. This concept has high potential as three main paths cross: The Mistress of the Night, the princess, and the scientist. I would like to read more.

* I didn’t read anything cyber-punk about this world
* The characters do not need long, unique names
* Please don’t use Mistress of the Night for a thief’s name, you can do better
* Character introductions contain unfilmmables: How do I know if a character is a cunning thief? airier? A proud and dedicated ruler? A trophy wife?
* Some mystery is good to hold on to: you didn't reveal how the JR CHIEF know the thief - cool
* mono-a-mono is a twist on the Spanish phrase mano a mano?
* 64 days is too long for a ticking clock.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

This is great! The title is intriguing, the story is interesting and action packed and your craft is flawless. Your action lines are wonderfully descriptive yet concise, which is quite an accomplishment. You also managed to end your ten pages in the middle of an action sequence which makes the reader want to read more. Great job!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I had my doubts about this logline, but I'm only 2 pages in and am loving it. Very crisp writing.

"Spider cracks from ..." I was scratching my head thinking "who is Spider?" I got it after like the 5th time reading it. I might just be slow though...

Usually a Fan is someone who likes what you do. I'm ot sure Enraged Fan is the proper name for that character.

Hm, this was interesting. The mystical creatures took me for a surprise.

I'm not sure where this is going, but I do like what is happening. Very distinctive characters, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I like the title and logline but I found the opeing to this script to be distinctively "ok", everything was good enough but not really anything special.

The action that your opening centred on was a bit run of the mill, but I understand that it's very hard to make action impressive in script form. Perhaps intertwining the action with the scenery or location would give it more of a set piece vibe and help spice it up. One thing in particular that I felt deflated your action was how the characters all find the time to taunt each other and think of one liners whilst fighting, I thought it was just a bit hard to take seriously.

"Good". Well Done :)

Jo Gates (Level 3)

A lot happens in 10 pages, characters are introduced clearly, and the combination futuristic/epic (old-school royalty)/action tone is set very well with your language, particularly in the action scenes at the opening. The descriptions of the parkour runner are less powerful than those of the scenes in the museum to me; although I wonder where she's going or coming from (which I see as the purpose of this opening), it lacks some adrenaline--probably because she's alone, with no sense that there's a chase. When I discover that she's racing to be back before others look for her, after sneaking out...it may be an odd letdown that she doesn't hide any object or give any other indication that there was a purpose in her nighttime foray.

Random grammar kvetch: "She's already took too much information." (p. 8) should be "She's already taken..." (unless intentional).

Should "Enraged Fan" (also p. 8) be "Enraged Man"? He doesn't sound like a fan.

Character names seem appropriate for the genre, but I found myself distracted by being unsure how to pronounce many of them, as well as slightly laughing at "Mistress of the Night." This response didn't take me out of the story much, though.

I'd definitely keep reading. This does a good job creating a world, and then raising questions in the reader's mind about what happens next.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked your ten, I think they are good but you could rewrite. The visuals were well conceived I think. I liked the action sequence at the beginning - and I think it's effective when a movie starts with action before we we get acquainted with its main heros.
I think your heros are not quite there. I'm a little indifferent toward your Alycie and it's important I think to make people like/dislike her. Then I wish you gave us a little bit of a mystery in your ten. The ten were good but didn't hold my attention for long, don't know why.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Amazing amount of visual quality. Needed to read a couple times to catch it all. Wow.
The world created in this story is intriguing. The running sequence by Alycie -- such an interesting choice for a character -- juxtapositioned with Mistress's caper is wonderful. The sparring between Alycie and Kylie is spot on. Description is tight and riveting...and all that color.
No doubt these ten pages will move on. What a fun read this will be. Excellent from beginning to end.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is pretty good!

I really like the way you switch back and forth between the thief and the parkour runner. It's going to be a visual rush on screen.

I like the good characters and I was find Syzoi delightfully greasy and vile.

The dialogue is good. The visuals are good... I just like this!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

With all of the futuristic visuals I have to admit I had a hard time connecting to the main characters and also to what kind of story it was going to be. I got the setting and atmosphere...good job there, but the other stuff not so much. That may just be a hazzard of this kind of story though. So much time needs to be spent on setting up the visuals that it's hard to get us connected to story and characters in just 10 pages.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a good idea.

I felt the beginning was slightly confusing as to where the characters were and what they were trying to do. Looking back on it the parkour running doesn't really have anything to do with Mistress, but that's not clear. Maybe it's intentional misdirection?

Page 2: it should be "mano a mano" instead of "mono a mono".

I think it's important to establish the society quickly, and I think you've done a good job, except I'm not sure how being the daughter of a Lord and Lady makes Alycie a princess.

Good.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

Great opening. Very cinematic writing. One thing, lose "It fires." We glean that from the "BAM!"

Suggestion: It flows better and leaves the reader in suspense if you just say "She comes to the roof edge and jumps!" (Reads a little choppy to have a long seperate sentence indicating she jumped.)

How would an audience see the line 'gets her blood pumping'?

Really fast writing, and visually interesting. Though some of your actions lines could be tighter and more arresting. For example, instead of "his fingers start to pull the trigger," how about "his finger flexes the trigger"?

Wonderful introduction to the royal family, using visual character descripts that say alot without writing alot.

Though with so many unique character names, Prince Brian is the odd man out in this world.

Great job! Wonderful start, believable world you created. Impressed with your imagination.

Only issue real weak spot was the dialogue between Ryuu and Sozci. Read a little too on-those-nose. Felt like the scene was there to simply convey story information to the audience.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I have no doubt this would look great on screen. They cyberpunk universe you describe seems almost out of Blade Runner. However, on the page, this was quite difficult to follow. I'm sure you've probably heard that elsewhere.

I'm not sure what to suggest on how to improve it regarding the complexity. I didn't see any action habits you had which might make it confusing, you actually wrote the action rather well. Some scripts just aren't going to be all that readable no matter how hard you try.

What I would work on with this script is the dialogue. I got an unreal feel from it. It might have been that you were going for period or maybe you were going for royalty but it just didn't ring for me. Whatever the reason the dialogue is very important in this script because the script itself is hard to follow and a reader is likely to rely on the dialogue to keep them on track.

Good luck with continuing.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Hmm..I want to like this, I always fancy creative endeavors, but yours seems so uncohesive.

You've built a future, but nothing makes sense. We've got princes and lords and dragons and cyber creatuers and mind tech? And still parkour and identity changing. Gossip combined with a princess who can just alter appearance.

It's not that it's too much, uit's just that it's all unlinked. If there was a crystal in her possession which all princesses have that caused her to change appearance and the upcoming ball will be needed to improve the power of your crystal (or whatever) all things actually seem connected. Now it's just too random.

Like the imagination, don't like the story.
The castle elements seems sit-commy and the action seems cliche too. The villain is absolutely 2d. Not impressed at all, maybe because i had really high hopes from your logline.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You dive head first into this fantasy world you've created without looking back. That takes guts, and it pays off. It's richly visual, and if the denizens of this society seem like pages from a petulant teenage girl's diary, they really only reinforce the vapidity of the culture, not any lack of imagination on the writer. There are things that might need to be clearer - the empty hole in Terra's chest is one example - but overall, I get it - a fusion of magic and technology in a bizarre dystopian future where you might find a castle between skyscrapers and a fiefdom in the middle of a sprawling city.

If anything doesn't work, it's the cutting between Alycie's parkour training and the initial robbery. It doesn't serve any purpose, and it really muddles things to start: I assume the payoff is going to be that the runner is going to either stop, or abet, Mistress. Having it lead simply to Aylcie's bedroom isn't a good enough payoff.

Still, great characters, great world, and even if I can see where you're going (I presume Mistress is Princess Kelly) I want to see where you take me.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

My notes as I read:

Pg 1 – It’s not bothering me much, but I’m noticing a bit of passive description that could be easily fixed.

The first page has some strong action on it. You’ve intro’d a cool thief and a slick runner, but I wonder if you could add a character touch or two to make them a little less generic.

Pg 2 – “policemen’s” – Plural?

“Their weapons fall to the ground.” – Seems like an odd thing to do, and they drop their weapons first which is even more bizarre.

The woman on the roof is doing interesting stuff, however I wonder if it would be more interesting if there was a sense of there being some purpose to what she is doing.

Pg 7 – The family scene has good conflict and is an effective change of gear.

Pg 9 – Now we have a clear idea who the bad guy is.

Pg 10 – A nice cliffhanger to leave us with!

Overall this is set up pretty well. I’d suggest seeing if you can get more character elements into the starting action sequences.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow, this is so action packed. Even the ten pages seemed crammed with stuff going on. I liked that. I like the introduction of the characters and the fast paced opening. I wasn't getting a focus on who the protag was by the first pages, but I see that it's Alcie from the logline

She doesn't come off as the protagonist in this opener to me, maybe a few scenes with her by herself to solidify that.

I can't fault this otherwise, it's really strong and I'm interested to read more, even though this is not my genre at all.

The title is a little cliche sounding. Too generic, I'd think of a stronger one, because the script deserves it.

Well done, I'm pretty sure this one will move forward, and do very well.

Shawn Davis (Level 2)

The opening was a bit off putting for me. Here is why. You have an opening scene of NIGHT with the next scene at SUNRISE back to a CONTINOUS ongoing scene at night. You also call the first character different names such as THE MISTRESS OF THE NIGHT and them just MISTRESS in your action scenes. You want to keep them identical so the flow remains.
You do it again the JUNIOR CHIEF POLICE by then calling him JUNIOR CHIEF. I know it sounds like nit picking but it really does kick me out of the read when I stop and say, wait, I thought his name was…
See what I mean.
So far, I am seeing where you are going with this and it seems like a decent enough read but this really needs attention paid to the description aspects of the characters. Another example is… TERRA, a hulking fox-demon creature. You might know what that is in your head but it is your job to make me see it and I don’t.
Another small thing here. THE RUNNER is starting (page4) to wear on me. Hell, THE RUNNER has been at it now for 4 minutes of the movie.

DAMIEN SYZOI (37), an attractively endearing man hiding
behind a false grin GREAT DISCRIPTION HERE! I get a sense of who he is right off the bat from that.

I can see the setup working itself here to a well rounded script if some attention to detail gets taken care of. The story itself is decent enough to hold together. I myself don’t write futuristic scripts so I have a hard time determining what should work or not but with the small experience I do have, this can hold its own.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Mistress of the Night??? What kind of incredibly cheesy name is that? That's a bad way to start your script. The writing here was really good but it just reads really, really slow. It drags on and on, felt more like 30 pages. Damien was a pretty generic James Bondian villain and the whole royal family just seemed so pompous and completely unlikeable to me. The constant cuts to the parkour runner in the beginning got very tedious. The core story here seems cool enough, but everything else is unfortunately dragging it down.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

You have personality traits in your action blocks, something that cannot be filmed. Some of the descriptions feel awkward: "An ornate art museum, dark and quiet with the midnight hour." "...carefully takes the vulnerable painting" "She rounds out of the exhibit and is halted" "She connects with the pipe, swinging with momentum, but is safe." They tend to take me out of the script and make it appear unfocused.

I was not terribly interested in this script. I don't feel that it is as tight as it needs to be and feel that the pace is off - four pages of Mistress, museum and Police and when new characters (Alycie) are introduced on page five and more by page seven -- by the time the ten pages are finished, I don't know who the protagonist is? According to your logline, it's Alycie, but that is not evident when reading the first ten pages.

The fat needs to be trimmed here and you must get to the story quicker, arrive to the scenes late and leave early. Setup Alycie early on and make the audience interested in her right from the outset.

Mistress, Terra & Police: cut that down and have what's only necessary - and aside, the dropping of the weapons by the police didn't seem believable to me.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

I like the title. Although I think dropping the second "the" might make it pop more.

You don't need "Alycie Orazi" in the logline -- just start with "A bored princes..." Also, the "the murder" phrase threw me. Took me a moment to realize that her friend was murdered and that there wasn't a different murder mystery going on. Maybe change "the murder" to "her murder" for more clarity.

On to the script:

First off, you're mis-using CONTINUOUS in the opening sequence. In your situation you should use SAME TIME -- CONTINUOUS is for when we're following characters, uninterrupted, through different locations.

"Mistress fixes her gun back into its holster. The Chief fixes his grip on the trigger." Is the Chief gripping Mistress's trigger? Should change "the trigger" to "his trigger."

I think you should indicate exactly how big Terra is. It's described as a "hulking fox-demon creature" -- so I'm thinking it's the size of a Great Dane, but the script hints at a larger size.

And now Terra has nine tails? Again, describe Terra a bit more up front -- all these add-ons pull me out of the script.

You've set-up a nice little world. It could be Earth, could not be -- but you've got a world that works.

The family dramas help bring this down to Earth -- no pun intended -- and relatable.

I found the dialouge in the first few pages stilted and unrealistic -- very wordy at times. For example, Mistress says, "I just needed to come prepared." I think going with, "I come prepared," jumps off the page better -- a good, solid one-liner.

Overall, I'm on the fence with this one. The 10 pages are interesting and well-written, but I found myself wanting them to end more than I wanted them to continue.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2011 12:16 AM

I really liked this! Sorry you didn't make it.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2011 2:32 AM

One of my excellents. It's a wonderful story. Full of color, interesting characters, and so entertaining. Finish it anyway...

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2011 3:03 AM

Kind of surprised this didn't make it. I gave it a VG. Great entry. Keep writing.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2011 9:34 AM

You know how awesome I think this is. You were so close. I'm looking forward to what I know will be your brilliant ending!

Michael Berg (Level 3) ~ 6/1/2011 2:15 PM

I also gave it a VG, and surprised it didn't make it in the top 10. One of the better ones I read.

Bryony Quigly (Level 3) ~ 6/1/2011 4:22 PM

This was excellent, I'm surprised it didn't get placed.

Claire Fishman (Level 3) ~ 6/1/2011 4:52 PM

Thank you so much, everyone! I appreciate all the critique I got on this, too. I'm really close to the ending, so this'll be great for my second draft. :)

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2011 8:30 AM

I gave this a well deserved Excellent, Claire. I'm glad to hear you're close to finishing the script. Good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 6/3/2011 9:29 AM

Hey Claire, sorry I didn't get to review this - I'd have given you an excellent.

Great, attention grabbing opening, visually stunning description lines, quirky characters and a unique voice in there. Really well done. Let me know when you finish this, I'd be very interested to see how your story pans out.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 6/3/2011 5:25 PM

My review was a bit harsh.

I apologize.