Comments Made During the Contest

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Title "Tiny Peter..." I laughed already lol

This is minor, but I'm not quite sure what you mean by "Institutionally chic." A plastic sign would not seem very chic, I think? Maybe you mean like lucite or something, which I guess is a type of plastic technically. Describing the sign too much isn't necessary because it's jarring and the filmmaker(s) will know what kind of sign a school should have on it. Maybe just call it chic?

I. Gett High LOL... Wondered where you were going with that name... I didn't get it when "High School" was listed on there... I was gonna suggest "Ivanna Pish" or "Ivanna Pooh" High School lol, but carry on...

For some reason the kids seem younger than high school. It says they're 13 - that's junior high, isn't it?

Where/how does Peter grab Ms. Harvey? I'm thinking Peter is tiny so he must've grabbed her leg? OK I guess not, from the next part. Is she tiny too or is Tiny Peter normal size? Oh it was a fantasy. I guess he is big in the fantasy? Maybe explain a little more. Oh, and LOL at him kissing the broom.

LOL kid pooped himself

A flame thrower lol... Diaper lol

OMG The Turd... Epic LOLz

"Oh, shit" lol... I think the Turd should mistake that for an insult and take exception to being called shit!! lol How about "[Don't you dare call me that.] You’re nothing but my daily dose of fiber, my minimum dose at that, you little [prick]." Calling him something stronger than "man" will up the ante as far as conflict.

"Peter peeks from the stall, [covered in shit]." Yeah?

The lollipop should probably have some poo on it lol... maybe it is chocolate covered raspberry :S lol

I liked the announcer and the breaking the fourth wall stuff. I know some people are gonna grouse about it but JUST IGNORE THEM!! Because Basil Sunshine says so lol

This made me LOL a lot so you get an EXCELLENT! Bravo!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your title certainly caught my eye.

Not sure you need to introduce the Announcer if he's not on screen. Also, your voice over jumps right into Peter's position. No set up. No introduction to the school or setting.

The boy's bathroom should be a separate scene with its own slugline.

You have some descriptions that can't be expressed visually: "satisfied at her superiority", "a regular medical dominatrix".

First, let me say that this humor isn't my cup of tea. Maybe when I was 13, but not anymore. Overall, you have a lot of jokes and some of the connect. It's better than a comedy with no jokes, good or bad.

Your announcer is purely for exposition. Getting rid of him would let you focus more on Peter.

Ms. Harvey could play more of a role. Keep her as the young, nubile vixen that Peter desires but she despises. Raise the stakes by having the Monsturd (available on Netflix) kidnap Ms. Harvey. Peter rescues her and wins her heart.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, formatting fine, didn't spot any major typos or grammatical problems.

Locations good, characters were neat, dialogue brisk and kept up with the pace of the actions.

The 'falling down' bit: Good, worked well with the overall plot.

As an overall comedy did it make me laugh? It was so crazy it had to be funny, a good laugh from start to finish.

Very Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Thoroughly gross and revolting... and simply excellent. What a fun imagination and funny characters. If there is one weakness it was the end. It felt a little rushed, I'm guessing you were running short on pages :).

Anyway, great work!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well, the title made me smile so you're off to a good start.

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well although some of the descriptions could stand to be tightened up a bit.

The story was pretty funny. I imagine the corporate midget from Elf in the role of Tiny Peter. Unfortunately, getting this script made isn't a very likely prospect unless you know someone who does CGI very cheap.

Overall, I enjoyed the script. It could be a little tighter, but in general, I don't have any complaints about it. I'd love to see this filmed, but it'd be expensive. Animation may be the most affordable option.

Nice work & good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not sure the title fills me with delighted anticipation...

Lollipop guild? What is this?

It's hard to know the first scene with Ms. Harvey is a fantasy. How do we know the real Ms. H is the same person?

While this is well-written and funny, personally I find it hard to enjoy something about a turd. Do not fear, I won't let ot affect my vote.

side-wipes? Do you mean side-swipes?

Classy but disgusting!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I had doubts when I started this, but it really picked up speed on the second and third pages. I am not big on bathroom humor but laughed several times despite myself at the absurdity of it all. I think you lose momentum with the fight with the giant turd, don't think we really need to see it. So funny him just going in and running out. Hearing what was happening, seeing him thrown out with sludge on him and charging back in would be funnier and less disgusting.

Despite the topic, not a bad job.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is great and this story had style.

I like the main character and your story has a strong arc.

But, and I realize this is my prejudice, I just don't find toilet humor very funny and I've had to read a lot of toilet humor this month.

Still, I think this is probably the best of that bunch and your writing is very good.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Probably the best bathroom humor I've read so far this month. Some of the dialogue was really funny -- some seemed a little drawn out. I liked the narrator and the action flowed well.

I didn't see any blatant grammar or formatting errors.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

David Patterson (Level 3)

I loved the Bullwinkle voice over. I didn't like the bathroom scene. I'm not a big fan of scenes where someone is taking a crap. Sorry. Also the getting high...high school..again funny if you're in high school. Was the janitor a midget? I think you could find better things to make me laugh. but of course, to each his own. keep writing.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I love the title, I giggled right off the bat. I like the ANNOUNCER in this, I could almost hear his voice and maybe some accompany muzak.

Tiny Peter was a cute character, I enjoyed the part where he was fantacizing with the broomstick. Clever.

Your flow is good and easy to read.

It actually made me laugh a couple of times!
Good luck!

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

I think my earlier read of the other "poo" story may have an impact on this score. It just didnt strike the same funny bone as some others have. Well paced and funny idea just didnt execute on the comedy enough in my eyes to get a Very Good.

Overall I gave this a Good because it was setup well. The imaginary scenes were funny, just not funny enough.

No major mistakes that I spotted in my read, so good job.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

'Institutionally chic' Don't see it.

Do High Schools have 'An ANNOUNCER'?

'What’s this?' What is it we see? If it is the 'toilet stall' we are to see, it needs to be clearly described. We see only a blank screen until you fill it with a clear image.

'MS. HARVEY, young, sexy and seductive' If this is how she appears only to 'TINY PETER' it needs to be clearly put.

A surreal humour that might struggle to find a wide audience.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Some character you have created here. Very unique, as is the story. Hahaha, I liked it. You've really gone overboard, a mainly juvenile appeal, but that's okay. This was funny. Very good.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

SHITCOM

A midget janitor battles Fat Boy's turd.

Excellent! This was funnier than shit. Fall was appropriately gruesome.

* My fav line was "that's when I pooped my pants"
* excellent descriptions
* driving energy throughout

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Well, the title certainly lets us know that this will be a comedy. Your craft is good but I would suggest using FADE IN: and FADE OUT. Also, in your scene headings, I would suggest using the time of day. Even if it hasn't changed just write "continuous". The story is cute and amusing but I like more humor in a comedy. The I. Gett high line is funny but the rest of it is toilet humor - literally! I shouldn't bring logic into a comedy, but Tiny Peter says "No one calls me little and lives." His name is Tiny and he's offended by little? Plumbing tools now include a flame thrower? A torch maybe...

Jason Bourne (Level 1)

Thats was pretty laugh out loud hilarious. When I first read the title I thought it was going to be about tasteless toilet humor. I was right but something about it kept me reading on. You were very descriptive and eloquent in your writing. You took something very infantile and turned it into something very creative and worth reading and possibly watching.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Because of how uncomfortable I felt due to the nature and vile detail of it, I could not find the humor.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Only on page 2, and this is hilarious.

The lollipop scene was so funny.

Hm, I really liked this one but the descriptions became too much. You need to learn to write action better. Quit with all the specifics and just tell us the basics.

I liked the difference between the reality and illusions of Tiny Pete. At times I thought the tone of the script changed, but overall the script was pretty good.

I'm not sure whether this gets a VG or an excellent. Hm....

I gave this an excellent. figure this will place.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I thought this was great, I wanted to look over its flaws and give you Excellent but there were just too many things I think need tweaking, so instead it's an enthusiastic "Very Good". Well Done.

In terms of criticism, firstly, why not make this suitable for all ages by taking out "shit" and "Ivanna Get High"? Maybe you can even leave that last one in, but I don't see why you would allow this to be to explicit for most young children when they would love it! It just seems illogical to me. On a similar note, I prefered this when I thought that Tiny Peter was a child (like I did on the first read) rather than a small twentysomething. Again I simply don't see the logic behind this choice and think it would be better if he were simply a charming and clever young kid.

Another thing I'd reccomend is that you ALWAYS make sure the first few sentences of a script have correct grammer, it gives a bad impression if they don't, and I don't think "straight out of Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon" quite makes sense, maybe I'm wrong but I think it needs to be "straight out of A Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon"

Lastly, I think you should have more space in the humour of you story rather than confusing it with funny but irrelevant lines. For example, "She is what she eats personified -- a disgusted prune", this clever language can't be seen on the screen, so whilst it is funny, spend your time and space writing for the screen rather than to impress the reader.

Although I may have a lot of criticism, I really did love this. :)

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Cute inventive comedy, using lots of potty humor. I could so see this being shot as a cartoon in all it's grossed-out glory.

The puns were quite funny and made me laugh out loud. (Ivanna Gett High School, Chunder-saurus).

Question: Was the Turd Monster real? Or was it a figment of Tiny Peter's imagination, like his sexy vamped up version of Ms. Harvey?

Perhaps it might be more fun to have Tiny Peter imagine all these bathroom monsters as he deals with the drudgery of clogged up toilets and kiddie vomit?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I wonder why it's "announcer" when it could be narrator. Announcer makes me think everyone at school are supposed to listen to him, narrator - whatever he says is for our ears. But maybe I'm wrong, see if the others comment on it too please.

I was entertained by this. It opened slow I think. Maybe you could cut few descriptions to get to the heart sooner. For some reason I understand it, I think it would be funny if filmed. It's not for everyone, I think, I'll check the ratings on this one for sure. But for me it's a very good entry. The ending is hilarious.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I am sorry but I am disgusted by this story. TO ME it is too sicking. As I read I try to image everything in my head, everything you write I visualize in my head and all I can see is a huge turd monster and turd slime everywhere. I am at the point of vomit. I can't remember the "Fall Down" and I am to scared to go back and reread it.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The story is unique, well written, and the title is certainly an attention-getter. Parts are funny. The characters and locations are, um, visual. Couldn't help wondering who might take a chance and film material like this. Potty/bathroom humor has an audience, but this one's really in-your-face. Suppose that's a testament to the writer's skill; don't really want to revive the mental pictures that occur as a result of Tiny Peter's foray into the Boy's Bathroom. Emotion is definitely evoked, so guess that means this screenplay is well done.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

More potty humor. There is a definite audience for this but I'm just not one of them. This was silly and you have a great imaginiation...some of the characters were great but storywise, it just did nothing for me.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was really weird. One thing that really struck me was the idea of him wearing a diaper for protection. That doesn't make sense at all! Somehow it all works surreally.

Page 4: "clips the Turd under it’s chin"
"it's" should be "its".

Michael Berg (Level 3)

Not my choice of subject matter, but very clever and imaginative. You packed in a lot of narrative in a short number of pages. Formatting was excellent, and dialogue seemed passable. Nice job!

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Decided to go high-brow eh? Just kidding. The story was gag-inducing, but funny. I liked the plunger stuck to the wall and its handle springing up to catch the monster under the chin. I also liked the voice over announcer. It helped set the slapstick tone.
Not sure why Peter needed to be tiny, but I guess that's comedy. You did a good job of conveying the tone through the writing. Something which I think is difficult for a comedy to do.

Peter Timony (Level 3)

Well, this was unabashedly a comedy. Low-brow, gross, hysterical. If it was on screen, I think my gorge would rise. I think what you intended, so take it as a compliment. If I had one little nit-picky complaint, its that midgets are easy targets.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I think I need to read all scripts two times. For some reason I didn't read this one as a cartoon the first time. Maybe I missed the Rocky & Bullwinkle mention in the beginning. This time when I had the mindset correct I thought it was hilarious. A lot of the things that make this one funny is actually in the details rather than the outrageous action. Great work!

Rachel Perlis (Level 1)

OK, let me start by saying - this isn't really my kind of comedy. But I did think it was pretty well written, and fairly creative. The only part I thought was funny was the fight sequence between the monster and Tiny Peter, I did giggle when he said, "oh, shit."

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Maybe a more subtle title? The humor is clearly there in your writing. This title seems like an episode in what would be the series of this cartoon character. The word play was fun and I enjoyed the basic premise. My favorite visual was entering the boys room with all the weapons. that would get killer howls at festivals. The monster turd battle was a bit harder to picture and didn't really engage me as much as the rest of the script and there was a little too much explaned rather than shown in the stage direction of the last couple pages. Still, this one had plenty of humor and answered the challenge well. I don't think you need the tag with the lollipop or next week's eposide. I would have preferred sticking with this story and wrapping it up with a FADE OUT but you ran out of space. A fun, original entry. Enjoyed it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow, I never thought I'd read a story about a giant turd, but here it is. Is it going to be animated, because I can't picture how you will film this any other way.

I thought you had quite a bit of humor in the story. Slapstick humor is great if done well. I thought you did a fair job with this. It wasn't my favorite script, someone beating up a pile of doo doo isn't something I'd probably watch. But I bet kids would love it.

The title will appeal to kids also.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Bizarre yet original concept, would probably work well as animation I guess. The writing was solid, overall a fairly good effort.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was a long story, maybe you should shorten up some of the many action paragraphs to make it a quicker read? There were a few funny parts here but overall this just felt too cookie cutter to me, it seems like too easy a story to tell.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

This was amusing, but not laugh-out-loud funny. I think it’ll play better on-screen than on the page.

The only suggestion I have would be to indicate certain areas as being fantasy. Otherwise, a pretty tight, well-written script.

Comments Made After the Contest

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2011 12:44 AM

You got an excellent from me, Michael! This was hilarious. You did pretty good considering how totally effed the results were this month!!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2011 12:49 AM

What the hell? This didn't place! I was sure this would be on top. Well, like Basil said, your did really well compared to others. Though for sure this woulda got AT LEAST an honorable mention...

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 1:20 AM

My favorite this month! You were robbed.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 1:58 AM

Thanks for being supportive guys. Considering the subject matter, I'm surprised it did as well as it did. At least Brian represented the toilet humour contingent in the winners. Well done Brian.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 8:06 PM

Nice job Michael! 1 of my top 2 this month.