Comments Made During the Contest
Basil Sunshine (Level 4)
I like the title already. So nice to finally have a script named after me ;D"I read the script already. We die at the end." :S LOL"And it was supposed to be a comedy. Ha!" LOL"(bored) Shit, he has a gun." LMAO"You don’t know because the writer left it vague." LOL"No need for last names in such a short script. Economy of words and all that jazz." LOLBut why is the Dutch guy speaking German?"The reader." LOL"If you can hear me, please stop reading this script!" Epic LOL"YOU (age varies) sit at a computer." LOL but this needs to be written so it could actually be filmed. Maybe just show a computer screen with the script, and person's hand hesitates over the mouse, before clicking and scrolling down."Neverending Story" LOL... I was gonna say this must've been inspired by that ;D"Asshole!" EPIC LOL!!!!Freaking hilarious... Two epic LOL moments and many other regular LOL moments... This will be favourited... Special commendation for pulling off a character with meta awareness...not many could do that... You nailed the ending (often the hardest part for writers) and left nothing on the table... If there is any justice this will be the first place winner... EXCELLENT! BRAVO!!
Bill Clar (Level 5)
The title is very vague. Tell us Travis and Paulie are bound when you introduce them. "Jongen" will go over the heads of a lot of readers and viewers. Breaking the 4th wall is bold and funny but it can quickly lead to overkill. Use it judiciously. Also, talking about scripts is only interesting to screenwriters. How will you film the reader scene? What details will you incorporate for the director and production design?At what point does a character fall? The thug drags Paulie and Travis everywhere. I didn't see them fall anywhere in the script.
Bob Johnson (Level 4)
Neatly written, formatting fine, didn't spot any major typos or grammatical problems. Spelling Travis's is a mistake, it ought to be Travis'. I read somewhere you should never you character names that end with an 's'.Locations good, characters were neat, dialogue brisk and kept up with the pace of the actions.You used italicised a few words, these ought to be underscored.Some of the words were probably Dutch, I had not a clue what they meant.A rabid earthworm?Last Action line page 1: 'The thug turns, points a finger and glares. Hush.'Not sure 'hush' on it's own like that is an action.The 'falling down' bit: I had to re-read as I thought it had been missed out, it was, as you say, a very quick fall, nearly missed it. No comedic value to it.As an overall comedy did it make me laugh? Not really, barely amusing at all to me, just a bit too dry.Good.
Brian Howell (Level 5)
The attempt to be clever falls flat for me. Scripts that call attention to themselves, as this does, are hard to take serious. The most clever part was where the characters draw attention to the writer and how 'mysterious and cool' the vagueness is... to which I concur - Bullshit!
Brian Wind (Level 5)
This was written, paced and formatted very well. No errors that I noticed at all.The idea is pretty fresh and even though I don't generally like the "wink, wink" kinda scripts that are aware they are scripts, I didn't mind this one. It was clever and kind of funny. My biggest issue here is the unfilmable description on page 5 where we all become characters in the script. That's not something that can be filmed, nor is the statement after it that we could stop reading and save him.Overall, I thought this was a pretty entertaining script. Get rid of that unfilmable passage and just write what we'll be seeing on the screen. Nice work and good luck!
Bryan Perez (Level 2)
I absolutely loved it. Not quite sure that I picked up on where a character "fell down", although I can assume they were thrown into the water. That said, very unique, witty and fun! I actually found myself debating whether I should stop reading to save their lives! The visuals were great and the conflict was excellent. Thoroughly enjoyable. I would have rated it as "Excellent" but for the missing "falling down" element. Other than that, GREAT!!!
Bryony Quigly (Level 3)
An original idea for a comedy, and funny.The dialouge between Travis and Paulie is great. I like the line when Paulie says "I read the script already, we die at the end. Trust me."I think it would be wiser to avoid bringing in Paulie's German heritage unless you're going to have him being very German. I had no clue what a Jongen was, and I sing and did GCSE German, that kind of thing throws people.I loved the fact Travis didn't know the answers to all Paulie's questions. My favourite so far!
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
Paulie with the Dutch accent and Travis? Hmmmmm.Singing lessons as a jongen? Whoever is reading this must be a total quatschkopf? Sorry, I don't understand these words.Yes, this MAY be personal bias, but I'm sorry to say that I have never come across a screenplay on MoviePoet about script writing that actually works, still less a script that has 'in-jokes' in it. It is slightly, but only slightly, amusing imagining Paul De V and Travis De S in these circumstances but SO few people will get the reference.SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLDYOU (age varies) sit at a computer. You could stop reading right now and save poor Travis from his grisly fate, but... How can this be on screen?It was very well written, technically, but to me, it didn't work as a comedy. Sorry.
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)
Wish I could comment on this one, but I had to stop reading to save a life.Not really, I found this quite clever, but not at all funny. Not sure this was the right month to enter this one.A major flaw is referring to the reader rather than the viewer. Unless you plan on this remaining a screenplay and never being made, your audience is watching this, not reading it. Should be asking them to walk out of the theater, not stop reading the script. That said, I find the idea quite compelling. I could see this playing at a festival, the character begging the audience to leave in order to save his life.Might also make mention of the first guy who read the screenplay (perhaps he should have already have "seen" the movie). Did he read/watch it all the way through? Could get some mileage out of that.I think you did a nice job here, only I don't think this is really comedy. Hope you rework this one, I think it has tons of potential.Best of luck.
Chris Messineo (Founder)
That was really clever and very fun to read and I read all the way to the end too.I think if this were filmed it would work just as well too, you would just need to change the "reading" references to "watching".Anyway, I thought this was excellent. A great example of black comedy.
Dan Delgado (Level 5)
Clever. It reminded me of little darker "Stranger than Fiction" I kept reading, ain't I cruel? I'm a worn out record on this, but I think this could have a had quicker impact with a page or more lopped off. Still, one of the funnier scripts I've read this month so far.No blatant formatting or grammar errors that I spotted.Good luck. Thank you for entering.
David Patterson (Level 3)
clever. I didn't find it too funny but fun. Felt like a Tarantino piece. I wasn't too engaged in it but maybe that's what you wanted. The characters were interesting. the story wasn't. Maybe the Thug could have been more involved...I don't know. There just wasn't much to the story. If this were a filmed script...would there be a reader. What about a VIEWER instead. Shoot high! Keep writing.
Dawn Calvin (Level 5)
I totally loved this script, even if it was not total mainstream comedy, who is to say it is not super funny! I thought it clever enough, well written and just super good so it is getting an excellent from me.I actually like the engagement with the audience. I couldn't stop reading it if I wanted to and isn't that supposed to be a GREAT script??!!I hope you win, place or get honorable mention, this deserves it.Good luck!
Denise Jewell (Level 4)
Funny and a great punch line. The fall happens early and is almost unnoticeable, but still I think it qualifies. One quibble - you say Paulie speaks in a heavy dutch accent, but he speaks German. "No" in dutch is "Niet" not "Nien". And the phrase "quatschkopf" is most certainly German. Good job.
Doug Wintemute (Level 3)
Funny idea, but I cant say that the execution was very funny. I did like the idea of the script though and would be interested in a longer version. However, the way it is now just didnt hit home for me. I just couldnt find any point to the whole piece and am not sure if I maybe missed it. After a re-read I just have to leave my vote as is. This just didnt tickle my funny bone.
Ed Jones (Level 4)
More playful, than funny. Difficult to engage with unless one is interested in the philosophical aspects of the writing process so the potential audience for this is small. I imagine you had a lot of fun yourself in the making of this script so perhaps that is justification enough for the existence, or not, of the characters therein.I must admit I almost fell down laughing trying to get at what I see as an inconsistency in the following: 'I read the script already. We die at the end. Trust me.'Paulie comes into existence as he is dragged out of the van and dies toward the end. How could he then have read the script in its entirety?
Gary Rademan (Level 5)
SITCOMThe characters in a script are really in a script and the reader is shot at the end* Had energy* Fourth wall broken* No issues with formatting
Greg Tonnon (Level 5)
Your craft is good, but you should include FADE IN:. The title tells us nothing. I prefer a title that tells us something about the story, lets us know it's a comedy, or something clever with a double meaning (or all three). The story is fine and it is clever how you blame the reader for Travis' downfall. However, I don't think this is a comedy which is the basic premise of this month's contest. It seems that you would rather be writing a horror or violent crime script. The thing I found most amusing about this may have been an accident. On page four, in an action line, you write "The Thug (why capitalized?) exits the van carrying black bags and heads outside." That could mean he is carrying black bags and goes outside (which is what I think you mean) or it could be interpreted that he is carrying black bags and heads and goes outside. After all he is a thug!
James Hughes (Level 5)
I liked this idea, but it stayed a little flat for me. Being a comedy, the reveal came a little too early, and the jokes were on one level. This has the makings of a darker, more complicated, and slow-to-reveal-itself story which I think would be really cool. Maybe a more complicated relationship to the viewer than as is. Another issue as is and why I can only rate it a fair is that it constantly references the reader rather than the viewer and in the end this should become a film. That could be updated.
Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)
It definitely reminded me of The Neverending Story and as a kid I loved that. Now though it seems a little silly. I guess that's what makes it comedy. They had a clear objective, but we knew they couldn't accomplish it.
JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)
That was pretty funny. But while I'm watching it, why would they be talking about a script? I know you would just change it but still...I dunno. I mean yes, it was funny, but really just a gag on the contest.
Jem Rowe (Level 4)
Hehe, very inventive :) I loved this, loved the humour and the concept, there have been many variations on this idea before, but this is different enough to the others to avoid being a retread. The only problem, and I think it's quite a big one, is that this idea works when you're reading the screenplay, but it wouldn't work if it were filmed, in fact the whole cleverness of it would be spoiled as the audience woudn't be reading a screenplay at all. BUT, I don't see why a screenplay can't be judged just as a screenplay, rather than as a potential short film (I hope that makes sense), and I have been frustrated by the fact that I haven't found anything to give an excellent in this contest, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. "Excellent" :) Well Done! Please Please Please KEEP WRITING!!!
Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)
I think this was entertaining. I liked the part where they started talking to the reader, that is to me. And I liked that you called a reader that strange foreign word.The ending is funny too. I think it could be all about the reader. Actually you should say "who watches this movie" because it's going to be in a movie, but I understand why you say "reader". If it's a "reader" in a movie, it would make no sense.So I think that it could be all about it - them talking to the movie audience and it could be amazing.
Kisha King (Level 4)
This is an interesting story but I don't see it connecting as a comedy. I really didn't see the funny parts as being funny because it is over shadowed by their death that is about to happen. I think it's a good story.
KP Mackie (Level 5)
Clever, and funny. Don't like feeling responsible for Travis's and Paulie's death, though. May not be the best way to ingratiate a reader by calling them a "quatschkopf" (thank you Google) and an "A******!" (just kidding).Actually, the tongue-in-cheek humor is original. The dramatic tone throughout suddenly flips with pleas to the reader, and it's a kick. No explanation for why Travis and Paulie are in this precarious situation? Blame the writer; he "left it vague...mysterious and cool that way." Perhaps, but also engages the reader trying to figure out the answer. A brilliant idea.A couple picky observations -- "Travis sees a rusty saw on the ground" outside an abandoned warehouse may be a bit too lucky. A couple places in description, "Thug" is not capitalized and probably should be.Really enjoyed this story. Well done.
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)
I have no idea how this ends because I stopped reading it. YOU told me to so I did. This was very clever and dark and funny. Best I've read so far. Me thinks this may be another P/T collaboration?? Nice work!!!!
Martin Jensen (Level 5)
If this was filmed, would the lines be changed to have Paulie tell the viewer to stop watching? Ultimately I feel as if the trope of having a character commenting on the writer's laziness has been well played out, not least in entries on this site. I don't think it actually excuses the laziness, just calls attention to it. A few lines were funny though. I don't know why you threw in "quatschkopf", from what I can tell a German word, but it surprised me.
Michael Cornetto (Level 5)
Metafiction or in this case specifically self referential literature has been around for a long time. Just the hint of it and any writer reading is likely to groan. And I did groan - even though I've used the same gimmick myself. That isn't to say you didn't do a good job with the use of this very old device, because you did - it's just to say it was a bit on the predictable side of things. We did, after all, know how it was going to end. And while the script had it's amusing moments, was it comedy? Well, not really - but I think the script already knew that.
Pia Cook (Level 5)
Hmmmm..... I'm not sure about this one. IMHO, this wasn't really a comedy. Turned into a dark comedy a little bit towards the end, but it really felt more like a thriller. If I didn't know this was supposed to be a comedy, my mind would have been all set on thriller. Again, just MHO, but the first page really needs to set the right tone and in this case there was no sign of anything funny at all so my mindset was all wrong when the comedy did show up near the end.I did like the idea of telling the reader to quit reading to save Travis' life.The writing was fine for the most part. A little clunky and too descriptive at times.I would like to read a thriller of yours though. Bet you'd kick at that. :)
Rick Hansberry (Moderator)
Insider humor about the perils of screenwriting rarely translates well for general audiences. You clearly enjoyed setting some common pitfalls and nuances of writing scripts in this story but it comes off a bit smarmy, like a forced wink at the reader -- you get what I'm saying, right? The biggest offense or what told me this was a contest entry rather than an attempt to make a short film script, was when you inserted "You" age varies. Anywhere in the world. You're clearly toying with the reader here and it could never be filmed in a way that would make that humor pay off. You met the contest challenge and put together a stereotypical movie scene with a reader talking in screenwriting terms. What I would have preferred, since you clearly know how to write scripts well, is that you would have applied your skill to the next level and make this either a truly original story or given it a twist movie-within-a-movie moment when we could watch the drama unfold without feeling like we were just reading an entry.
Sally Meyer (Moderator)
Extremely clever, funny, hilarious and well written script, even though it does break my previous feelings that writing about writing just doesn't work. In this script it does. I loved it. I hope it places well into the top three.Nicely done and a welcome respite in a sea of comedic scripts that I'm plowing through.One of very few excellents I have given out. I can't wait to see who wrote this.
Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)
This was well written & clever, a little too clever for me. The self-referencing and breach of the third wall and narrative dialog made it impossible to relate to the characters. And it wasn't very funny. Still, I gave it a Good because of bonus point for originality.
Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)
These kind of self-referential scripts are hard to score, I think it was well written but not as satisfying as a legitimate story. Good effort overall though.
Zach Jansen (Level 4)
How is this funny? I really can’t find any humor in it. It’s meta (which is interesting), post-modern perhaps, but it had no comedic value. I think I’ll take Paulie’s advice and blame the writer…
Comments Made After the Contest
Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2011 12:07 AM
OK, Well, Travis. This is proof this month was totally effed :S This was my pick for first place. I'm all kinds of offended by this result. Seriously... This was hilarious.
Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 12:08 AM
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2011 12:09 AM
What can I say? I love the way you write. This was excellent and one of my favorites.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2011 1:05 AM
Excellent Travis. I really loved this one.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2011 1:06 AM
Sorry I already selected 3 favorites this month, and when I tried to put my name on yours it would not go. But it is a favorite for sure.
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 1:23 AM
Thought this was great. Should have placed for sure.
KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 2:25 AM
A VG from me. It was clever and definitely funny. Thought for sure this one would place...
Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 3:04 AM
Too bad this didnt place mate. Love the Meta in this, but maybe you would have scored higher if YOU had let me live...Cant believe the amount of cruel readers on this site. Only two stopped reading.
Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2011 10:01 AM
Thoroughly enjoyed this. Good job!
Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 10:57 AM
I thought this was a very clever idea!
Bryony Quigly (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2011 11:23 AM
This was clever and really entertaining. Definitely one of my favourites.
Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 7:41 PM
So I was thinking, "how can I write a script that would call anyone who reads it an asshole?"The hardest thing I've ever done in my life: trimming down the obscene, abhorrent and utterly offensive gory death that I originally planned for you, Paulie. Asshole.Thanks for all the reviews, guys!
Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2011 8:22 PM
LOL Thanks, Travis. We're here to inspire you, obviously ;D