Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

HAha, really funny. I love smart jokes those who hold meaning and purpose. I think this is the way all comedies should be. Comedy is more about dramatic irony than just empty laughs. I love your work keep the good work.

One advice, when you start sub stories like the one about the watch and the raccoon you better finish it. It would be even more perfect if you make the visual sub story reflect on what the man was talking about.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Great hooks from the start! How did the dog kill the man? What is he doing in a suit in a forest?

The man wanting to shoot the dog in the end was funny!

This would be a relatively cheap movie to make (borrow a skeleton, a Rolex, buy some meat and have it rot, have a dog pee on it, borrow a dog, get one actor.)

It is a lot of exposition. The back-story is delivered by the dead sob. This will only work, I think, if you give us amazing visuals to gaze at in the mean time (the "Pope in the pool" trick mentioned in the book "Save the Cat!").

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

The opening is disturbing :S

"My brother got the estate ["." or a conjunction] I got shafted."

I think this is horror not comedy :S

OK I'm at the end. No LOLs here. Not even a "heh." Well not even a smile, not even when the bastard fell over the cliff and got peed on. It is a very well done horror piece, it just doesn't have anything that I could remotely classify as comedy. If the theme wasn't "Falling Down Laughing" I would have rated this higher.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

In your opening V.O. I would change "I'm dead and decomposing" to "I'm dead". Decomposition is implied with death.

What cliff? You've told me about the forest, tell me about the cliff.

"the human symbol for stop". How will the audience know this?

This is very difficult to read. It's one character narrating about his experience. No other scenes. No other characters.

Your ending has some humor and punch to it. I would suggest shortening it to one page and tighten up the pacing. No need for ants and raccoons. Focus on the dog and the SOB and minimize the dialogue.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, formatting fine, didn't spot any major typos or grammatical problems. The font you used was a bit heavy on the eyes.

I suppose in only having one character the resulting 'monologue' is going to have to be really engrossing to keep the attention of the reader, to me it was neither good nor bad.

The 'falling down' bit: Kicks out, misses, falls down a cliff, visually may raise a laugh, perhaps told a little too simply.

As an overall comedy did it make me laugh? A few 'ironic' smiles maybe.

Fair.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is very talk heavy. I think you make some funny jokes, and I like the cynical tone here, but I kind of wanted more to happen on-screen. I know your main character is a dead guy, but this is a script for a motion picture, put things in motion.

There aren't any major errors or problems... well, maybe one. I'm not positive about the level of decomposition a human body would undergo in six weeks, but I'm pretty sure it isn't to the extent that you describe.

This isn't a bad piece, some of his observations are quite funny.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was formatted okay, but there are a lot of chunks of thick dialogue that should be trimmed down or broken apart.

The story was essentailly a dark buildup to a punchline that I (unfortunately) only found to be moderately funny. I really liked the concept of a monologue from the corpse, but there wasn't enough humor sprnkled throughout and I didn't like the last joke so on the whole, I didn't find this all that funny.

Overall, I like the concept, but felt like the script needed polish and the jokes needed improvement. Nice work and good luck!

Bryan Perez (Level 1)

I was entertained throughout the read. The visuals were great; I could picture exactly what was going on with the corpse laying in the tree branches while rotting away. The interplay between the dog and the Dead SOB was great, especially the fact that the dog "whizzes" on him 6 times a day. You really maximized the "falling down" central theme. Dead SOB's mental replay of his life was great; I really felt like I got to know this character. And it was further enhanced by his one wish being the gun. My only critique would be that you could somewhat see that coming (the wish being that he had a gun, or something to take care of the dog with). Not that it didn't work, but it was somewhat predictable. Overall, I really enjoyed it!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this a lot. The only thing is I wasn't completely sure about was the ending - but I still liked it a lot and maybe the ending will grow on me.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is tricky. We hate the guy, because he's the kind of guy that kicks a dog, but then in the middle of the monologue, I feel like you want us to feel a bit more sympathetic, but it's not quite working.

Still, this is a very intriguing character and I love the idea of a dead man's monologue. Awesome visuals.

Overall, I guess, I really did like this a lot - I just hate that he kicks the dog.

David Patterson (Level 3)

um..interesting but very comical. In a twisted way it was bit humorous but nothing is funny about kicking a dog. I love the visuals. Could see it all. A whole short told through a voice over might be a hard sell. The guy was definitely a son of a bitch and got what he deserved but the story never really goes anywhere. All that said...I still liked it. As far as comedy goes...a little too dark and violent. Keep up the good writing.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Loved the title right off the bat. Loved the concept and the VO worked very well.

I got kind of hung up on why he was out hiking in a suit, stupid, I know, but there you have my little hang up.

Otherwise, it was funny and clever and I think it will do very well!!
Good luck.

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

Well I'm a little speechless about the whole thing. The comedy isnt gushing out of this one... maybe trickling. I liked the first page and a half but it seemed to be too much of the same thing. The ending punch was funny but just wasnt enough to change my scoring. I think the dialogue was clever but just a bit too long in each speech.

I cant think of anything to suggest to make this one resonate a little louder, possibly bring it up to 5 pages... Not quite sure what it would take.

Thanks for the read.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Original concept but too contrived to convince and fully engage.

I do not see a dog being kicked so hard he 'broke my damn toe', then stood there while he aimed another. I do not see him going over the cliff or, 'snagged in dead tree' in such a way that the yellow dog 'lifts his leg' over him.

It is clever to come up with a racoon to provide some action with the dog, and there is some amusing colour in the V.O., but it is not enough to flesh out what only remains a tall yarn.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

DARK

A corpse tells us a tale of woe.

* Need a visual for the VO otherwise we're looking at a corpse for the whole story
* The story was odd - a corpse complaining about stuff we have no point of reference
* Perhaps a name for our dog and dead man would help
* How did the dog get down to the corpse?
* Getting back to nature in a business suit?
* The story at three pages was long enough given the lengthy VO/dialogue
* Talking dead head monologue was interesting

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title certainly brings us in. It is very relevant and lets us know that this is going to be in the comedy genre. Your craft is flawless. The dialogue is very good and seems natural for this character. The story is good, a bitter dead guy blaming a dog for his downfall. So you have created a humorous scenario. My only suggestion on this would be to use the full five pages. You had two more pages you could have used to work in more humor, create another humorous situation, introduce a new character, develop the main character even more, etc. So I fear that this may get knocked down, not because it isn't good, but because it could have been made even better with the use of those two pages.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

A few grammar mistakes - tale should be tail and it's should be its. Normally not a fan of VO, but felt it was justifiable here. Nice descriptions.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I liked it. I couldn't really get they guys voice down, but overall this was pretty good. I loved how he was so damn selfish and at the end, his only wish was to continue being selfish by protecting himself.

Great ending. I'll give this a VG.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is my first excellent. Some of it on page 2 did not flow as well.
I think that overall it's very funny, it's low budget, it's original as it's from point of View of the dead person.
I think you could skip that part about his parents - that doesn't add anything and start with Sarah being his ticket off the streets. That's when it gets really juicy and funny. The ending is hilarious, I think. Excellent from me.

Kisha King (Level 4)

The death, dying and decomposing of a body doesn't work well for me while reading. I am really disturb with the treatment of the animal and the frame of mind of the character. This whole story has a dark tone over it which leaves me no room to laugh. I think there are too many bad things going on at one time. Maybe this suppose to be dark comedy or black comedy or whatever, it just seems like something else is missing to give it a connection to comedy.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Yuck. What a funny idea, though. The dog is a terrific angle. The guy's dead anyway, but this dog coming around -- a friendly dog, probably a lab ("A large, yellow dog...") -- is a hoot.
There's no explanation how the dog got over the cliff and to the tree where the guy's stuck, but maybe the dog has gotten up the cliff from down below? Curious, too, about how this middle-aged man "in a business suit" ended up in a dense forest looking down a cliff. Could be a real interesting backstory. The dialogue is a tad lengthy, but in this rant-situation, likely it's justified. Might be a good idea, though, to trim just a little anyway. Long dialogue scares most readers...
The title's catchy, an attention-getter.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This was okay. I'd really like an explanation of why he's standing on a cliff in a suit, though. A man in a suit in the wilderness is up to no good. Either leave the suit out or explain it somehow.

This isn't my kind of humor, but it's written well. Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Why was he in the woods and standing on a cliff in a business suit??

This was dark but funny. I thought the voice over was great and loved the dog pissing on him. Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This reminds me of the original opening of Sunset Boulevard, where William Holding's corpse is taken to the morgue and all of the dead bodies are narrating their own stories. It's a good idea.

"I would call that irony, but the average mouth breather wouldn't know what I was talking about."
I'm assuming that this is deliberate, but that is not actually irony.

There's a lot of voice-over with not many things happening on screen. I don't think this would be great to watch, just seeing a decomposing body and the voice-over, although the voice-over is entertaining.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

Right off the bat you have the character narrate an action that was just seen, and then narrate the very next action block. Don't do that. Move all that dialogue into the action lines.

For only 3 pages, DEAD SOB talks for the 90% of the real estate. This would not be very interesting to see on screen.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

What were you thinking? Kidding. I know what you were thinking. I could see the very dark humour in this piece. It wasn't a smiler or a laugher but it was amusing - in an ironic sort of way. That said, I think there's way too much VO here. I'm not sure what to suggest instead of it, I just think there's too much. You need a bit of a balance - either visuals or actual speaking.

Michael Harrop (Level 2)

This was a bold undertaking and creative approach to the theme of the contest. But all in all, kinda fell flat for me. It might've been better to give the Dead S.O.B. a name, IMO. One thing's for sure, dialogue is definitely your strong point. So for that, good job!

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Really nice dark humor. I enjoyed this.

Initially, I misunderstood the line, "The dog sees a friend and licks his hand." to mean that a new charcter had entered the scene. "The dog interprets the man as a friend and licks his hand." may be more clear.

Sorry, but I didn't get the term "the average mouth breather". I think it is a reference to the living, but if so, there may be a better term. Might just be me, though.

I thought the action that went along with the V.O. was consistently engaging and appropriate, e.g. the wallet/photos during the V.O. of kids.

I didn't like the title at first, but after reading, I think it is perfect.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I gave this one a Very Good. I thought it was pretty darn funny.

Good job!!

The only reason I didn't give it an excellent was due to the lack of stuff going on. You do have some, but I don't think it's enough to cover all the V.O.

EDIT: Today is 6/30 and I'm going over my reviews. I'm changing my score on yours to Excellent. It was the only one I gave an Excellent. The best one of the bunch! Congrats! I hope you win. :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There was some originality and some funny bits but this monologue left me wanting a more story. I was thrown off right away by being at the top of a cliff but in a dense forrest? Which was it? It's never explained why the SOB is in a business suit and I'm not sure it matters. Rolex material was actually pretty humorous but I think the marrying money and not caring for the business makes the audience lose empathy for the guy. I'm glad he's rotting after reading how he acted. Style wise - I would have preferred something more happen. Either show us some back story in flashback rather then tell us in the present or bring in some element to get us away from the scene. The humor is there but I think it needs to be applied to a more likeable guy in a more rounded story.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Kicking a dog hard enough to break your toe and not hurting the critter in any physically crippling way is something I find implausible.

Also, I actually visualize him hanging in tree branches but yet the dog has access to his corpse? This is a tough one to grade since the comedy seems more dramedy and that too at certain VO supporting the visuals.

The visuals on their own or the VO both seem macabre and veer towards horror than comedy and I find it actually kinda sad.

This has a lot of potential outside of it being a comedy, and your dialogs give plenty of vivid backstory information. The real motivation for him saying these things is a mixed bag of angst and regret but it works.

The character talks about flaws and his actions convey this well. So, full marks for you there.

I wish you'd really driven the humor (however dark) tofull throttle. Right now thee regret and sombre visuals don't make me call this a comedy or rate this beyond a good.

Will have to come back later and decide if this fits the humor contest.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The story was really funny at the beginning. But when he starts rambling on about his kids and grandkids etc etc. It loses its momentum.

I think this is one of those shorts that could be trimmed back to only a few pages and it would work a lot better.

I liked your protagonist. I liked the dog too.

I think you should have him be Dead S.O.B. Not Dead SOB, because it looks like Dead Sob as in someone is 'sobbing'.

Funny story in parts. Some made me laugh out loud. That was good. Trim this up, take out all the exposition about the kids etc and deal with the actual real time stuff that is going on. That was the funniest part.

Sridhar K. Nemani (Level 3)

-I wasn't very impressed with the story line.
-Too impractical, of someone falling of cliff and then the same dog coming back everyday to pee there.
-Too much narration. Certain things which needn't be narrated as the viewer can see what's happening on screen were also narrated. Keeping dialogues less would make it more interesting.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I think the problem with this one is that there's so much voice over in large chunks, that I don't know what we're looking at while he is talking. I know there is stuff going on here and there, but what are we actually looking at while he is talking for twenty, thirty seconds at a time? Just his corpse?

Story was okay I guess, not really that funny IMHO but I'm sure some will like it. Decent effort overall.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This started out really funny and original. But you didn't really do much with this great idea you got. The ending with its punchline was generic and nothing memorable. But this was definitely a very creative script.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

So there’s a dense forest on top of the cliff? Seems unlikely -- most cliffs are formed by rock (sandstone, limestone, etc.) and isn’t that cohesive for deep-rooted growth that trees require.

Tale should be tail -- unless the dog has a story.

How did he break his neck on the way down? Wouldn’t that have happened when he hit the ground?

I don’t understand the parenthetical in the dialogue on page 2. Is the Dead SOB saying this or is this some kind of overly long wryly? Very distracting either way.

Very dark and dry. I enjoyed the “cat and mouse” between the dog and raccoon -- it really emphasized the worthlessness of scraping for material possessions the man held so dear.

But the (V.O.) did seem overly long. Which means, on-screen, we’re looking at a rotting corpse for a few minutes. That doesn’t exactly make for a good film. But it’s different -- I just don’t know if it’s a good different.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2011 12:12 AM

You are such a talented writer and this did not disappoint. I loved this - even if I hated that guy for kicking the dog.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2011 12:40 AM

This was great Dan. Gave this one a VG.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2011 1:01 AM

Hey Dan, I would've given this an excellent if the theme was horror, just for the record. It's a great script.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 3:41 AM

No, no, no, no, toes are easy to break. I've broken several. (Ironically, once when my klutzy dog jumped on my bare foot.) Some cliffs, and I was imagining the Appalachian Mountains, do have densely wooded areas right next to the ledge. When I was young and dumb I used to climb those kind of cliffs; I nearly fell off one. (But even if they don't really exist -- does that really matter?) He fell when he kicked out at the dog and missed. C'mon haven't you guys ever read a Charlie Brown comic? You know the ones where Lucy pulls the football out at the last minute and Charlie Brown falls on his butt? The falling on the butt thing really happens when you kick at something and miss. Why was he out there in his suit? Because he's an idiot besides being an egotistical, self-absorbed, mean-spirited son of a bitch. I don't know, imagine the back story if you need it. Maybe someone at his company said he should see the great outdoors and he didn't have the brains to find the right clothes -- or maybe he only owns suits -- it was a last minute decision and he didn't change -- he took a wilderness trip and they lost his luggage at the airport -- maybe his car broke down and he tried to take a short cut -- or he... oh, forget it. (And for the record, I hate him too -- that's why I call him a son of a bitch in the title.)

Guys, I wasn't necessarily shooting for anatomically correct here. I wanted a real prick out in the middle of the wilderness, where he could fall to his death, rot and do a monologue. That was just the setting of the script and the least important part of the story. Yes, I know I was shooting for clumsy manipulation, so you'd feel sorry for him toward the end. I wanted to make you think he was having second thoughts about being a life-long son of a bitch -- it was a cheap set-up, with tawdry misdirection for an overly obvious pay-off. But, hey, that's a pretty common gimmick in comedy. Seriously, don't over think this, I know I didn't.

And, hell no, I'm not defensive, so kiss my ass! (WARNING: THIS COMMENT IN GENERAL AND THE LAST SENTENCE IN PARTICULAR IS A CLUMSY ATTEMPT AT SARCASM.)

Really thanks for the comments. I honestly expected mixed reviews on this. After all, most comedy isn't titled "Dead Son of a Bitch". Don't worry, I'm not going to buy a gun and stalk you if you didn't like it. (I learned my lesson on that, last month.) I had a good time and did amuse myself. That's something anyway.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 8:42 AM

I really loved it. I thought it was very funny and original. Easy to shoot too and if someone decided to shoot it in Houston and if I was a man I'd audition for the part. Or if I was a dog and my owner could read my thoughts I'd ask him to let me audition for the dog.
Definitely!
Seriously very funny and one of the most original entries!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 11:00 AM

This was the only script I gave an Excellent!! I loved it!!

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 7/5/2011 10:45 AM

Geeze, I just reread my comments and what I "intended" to come across as humor comes across as pissy.

Sorry about that. I really do appreciate all the comments I got.

And thanks to Chris M, JeanPierre, Basil, Khamanna and Pia. I'm glad you enjoyed it (except for the kicking part). But really, you guys must be sick puppies.

I thought it was funny, but everyone knows I'm warped.