Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

Wow. The ending really got to me. I'm going to let it sink in and come back later with more detailed comments.

Okay, I read this again. There's no denying the end is very powerful-- it's hard to top the emotional impact of the death of a child, and especially in such a horrible way. I also liked the way it started off seeming so innocuous, just a family out for a drive. Well done.

Alexia Glock (Level 3)

Good writing skills but the voice over was really just one long monologue not supported by any subtext. A bit to obvious for me.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Nicely done. I would lose the camera directions, if possible. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the use of VO.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Funny - I wanted it to end on p 3 - I thought it was perfect...finishing on the line 'it's a ticket and a
handshake - then back on their way.'

I thought the actual ending was great too - but felt it lost a lot of momentum when Rocco was (in VO) explaining about his background (all of p 4)

But tragic and beautifully understated.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title. I thought you used the voice over very well and I especially liked the story about his father. The whole drug running plot though felt a little forced, especially passing another car that had been pulled over for the exact same thing. I'm not even sure if you need the other car and the guns. In fact, I think it might be more powerful if it was Rocco's car being pulled over for some random thing and him getting arrested for the drugs. For me, the power of this story is with Rocco, who has already abandoned his family without even knowing it.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

I knew something bad was going to happen to these characters early on...but still very well executed. Camera directions: Unnecessary!!
The lessons of drugs are bad & crime doesn't pay are of course good lessons to learn, but a little obvious, here.
The description "ruggedly handsome" - used too often, cliche.
Very good use of voice over.
Last line could be shortened perhaps to just "I was wrong."

Grace Beyer (Level 1)

I liked this but was a little uneased by the stereotyping. A black Escalade being the "bad guys". Two Latino men with a car full of cocaine. But I suppose that is the point. I did like the use of V.O. The twist was unexpected through most of the story...I wasn't expecting the Narrator to be dead.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

Great visuals in this script - the journey of the car and it's occupants, the references to different forms of lighting playing on the interior - all held a foreboding of something to come. I did guess that he was running drugs -but the irony that by doing what he thought was smart to evade detection, he lost what he most cherished, was a complete surprise.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

I think the voiceover assignment was tough - but I liked this - A really nice idea. I knew the outcome the minute he commented on the drug dealers though - I think you could do without the comment being so "dead on" and get away with the twist much better. Good writing, Good, concise descriptions. Nice job.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

It was a good use of voice over. It gave away a bit too much too soon. I would have liked to know later that he was a drug smuggler.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Very good use of the voice over. I like how the story builds up. First by slowly letting you in on the fact that Rocco is a drug dealer and then the fact that that he is targeted for what he does. And when it all goes to a conclusion, Rocco ends up paying for being a drug dealer, not only by being arrested but by losing his baby girl. It made for a strong emotional ending.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Wow, yet another dark one here. This was very well written. The voice over slowly drew me in and although I had an idea what was coming, it all escalated to satisfying and shocking conclusion. You have a great eye for details and I wouldn't be surprised if you're a director. I loved the little visual touches, you set the scene exquisitely.

One of my favourites.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Well done. Good story, good twist, good point. The voice over part about hiring a woman to pose as a wife raised my suspicions, but it might be a necessary part of the set up.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked this one. Sad at the end of course with the little girl having to pay with her life for her dad's stupidity.

Formatting wise you probably want to try to write more of a spec script. In other words, no need to tell us camera directions.

Some of the description are a little over-written. I'm always told I do that too. :-) Try to be more terse with the writing. Lots of white space on each page. Some of the dialogue could do with a little trimming too.

Good job though.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

This was great! I loved how you kept the story interesting throughout...in a car the whole time and the story remained interesting and even though i knew he was a drug dealer i wasnt expecting that ending, nicely done. One flaw(i think) is i thought you weren't supposed to tell where the camera goes..but i'm not docking you for that since i'm not 100% sure.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Wow. Loved this one. Excellent use of Voice Over in response to the challenge. Great visuals. I sensed where this story was going as Rocco described the first criminals but I was drawn in and compelled further by Rocco's history with his father. Well done.

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

I liked this. Good twists and fine use of voiceover, and the writer managed to make Rocco sympathetic - not so much via his interactions with wife and kid (I should hope most men go into marriage not actually intending to end up estranged from their wives and children), but when he recalls his exchanges with his father.

I kept expecting there to be a point to the 'left hand', 'right thigh' etc actions, but there didn't seem to be one. Micro-management?

Nit-picking here, but 'worrisome'? I think that should be 'worried'.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

Very good use of the voice over technique and a compelling, emotional script. Your writing is tight and the characters and dialog are well thought out and unique. Great job!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The VO monologue was stiff at times, but the descriptive writing held my attention. Your introduction of Rocco screamed "mob", so there was no surprise by the ending. If you were going for a reveal at the end, then I would suggest changing Rocco's name and look, maybe geeky or soccer daddish, and also not including the foreshadowing of the police pulling over the other drug runners, that made it even more predictable. If you had me in shock at the end I would like this far better.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Voice Over Narration was spot-on.

Comments Made After the Contest

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2007 10:00 AM

Well done, Charlie. This was in my personal top three. Loved it.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/2/2007 2:55 PM

I'm not all surprised this was yours. You are such a polished writer. As I mentioned in my review, the story felt a little too forced for me, but I love the way you write. The VO dialogue and descriptions are beautiful.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 4/2/2007 7:01 PM

Charlie, I would not have been surprised if your script had won this contest. I truly thought it was a wonderful script. Words failed me in my review. All I can say is -- it was a real pleasure. Great job!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/2/2007 11:28 PM

Thanks everyone for all the comments, can't say enough about what I've already learned here - the big stuff and the little stuff. This is so productive I feel as though I should be paying a fee.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 4/6/2007 10:38 AM

Hey Charlie, nice work! We were away this weekend so I'm just now getting around to commenting on everyone's scripts. I really liked this a lot, and the ending stayed with me.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/6/2007 1:12 PM

Thanks, Aimee. Can't believe you ditched the contest this month. At least Tony's in. Hope you're writing something naked.