Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title suggests humor.

"Johnny, his slimy manager" put a smile on my face :-)

The dialogue is superb! Johnny, the host, absolutely believable dialogue.

Dracula explaining his jokes, hilarious!

It has a campy feel about it because of the mix of horror with humor. A great read!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

I suggest an opening shot of the town, to tell us that we're in Transylvania.

Overuse of wrylies.

The idea of classic monsters doing a talent show is interesting. The biggest drawback is watching Dracula tell painfully dull jokes. It slows the pace down and kills the entertainment value.

Does Dracula have to be a bad comic for your ending to work? Can't he kill it out on stage, only to discover the audience going crazy for Frank? He still makes the audience laugh, yet has to hypnotize the judges to win.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Monster = ZOMBIE, VAMPIRE

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well. No errors or typos that I noticed. Avoid using the word 'we' in descriptions. Only write what the audience will see & hear and since they won't see or hear 'we', the word shouldn't ever appear in description.

The story here was pretty clever. I enjoyed it through the zombie magic bit and Dracula tanking on stage, but I felt like it lost a little steam in the 2nd half.

Overall, a pretty fun script that could really benefit from a stronger ending.

Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

In the words of my four year-old niece, that story was cute. The script format was pretty clean and easy to follow. As for the writing, I didn't see any major grammar mistakes. As for the story, it's pretty much as is, no bells and whistles here. Ending was okay. Thanks for the read.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting idea!

How do we know it's Transylvania?

While the formatting etc. Is perfect and I like the fact that you've tried to be different, I'm afraid the story is weak. Even the reveal is TOLD which is not cinematographic. Try to work on making the story more compelling.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

A comedy!

Notes:
- You need an extra space before your scene heading.

Ok, I give you credit for getting a vampire and zombie in. It wasn't as funny as I would've liked, but overall a good job.

Craig Bass (Level 2)

I have to admit, based on the title I really thought I was going to despise this. That being said, the dialogue is quite good, and I found myself amused by the whole story. I really liked the notion that Dracula is exceptionally lonely and that this is his way of attempting to mingle and connect with people. I would like to see a bit more detail attended to this point. Perhaps Dracula's monologue about his loneliness could be extended a bit: really reeking of pity. I'd love to see you hammer home just how sad and dysfunctional a deathless life could be. In addition, do the other performers need to be monsters as well? This seems a bit too farcical to me. I'd love to see the other performers as simple, living comedians, and Dracula as a perceived impersonator. I believe this would make the story much more amusing, and much less kitchy.

All in all, there is definitely something here worth tweaking.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Oh, man. I am so torn over this. There is a part of me that says, I loved the concept. I dig the concept of Dracula, Frank and Blackhead (a zombie) being Vegas-type acts "competing" for some award. I also bg to differ: Drac's act is slightly amusing. It's almost as if you could resurrect Andy Kaufman and have this surreal unconventional act. But here's the problem. It's all set up for a BIG JOKE. What we get is a "huh?"

It just fell short of being an excellent, and if there was a big bombshell of a gag at the end, I would have ignored the headers (INT. NIGHTCLUB STAGE where it should be either INT. NIGHTCLUB - STAGE - NIGHT ...or STAGE and BACKSTAGE as sub-heads) and the few starting scenes with dialog instead of narrative. I'm serious. If the ending blew me away, which sadly it didn't, I would have let those tech issues slide.

That said, overall, this is well done. In fact, I'll make a prediction. It would not surprise me in the least if this bit was one of the top five. It wouldn't shock me if, given a better punchline, it would also make a nice little short film.

Good job.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

I love, love, loved this story!! Everything was perfect! The structure, the characters, the descriptions.

I easily pictured the nightclub and the audience reactions. I love the twist at the end when Dracula reveals that he placed everyone under a hypnotic trance. Perfect.

Wonderful story!

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Good story. The characters were great...loved the 'heckler' in this story. The story was definitely original and unexpected. The plot flowed at a good pace from beginning to end. Overall the story showed creativity, visual presence, and a character driven plot.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm seeing many entries this month that strive to present each type of undead character. I haven't found any of them compellingly scary, or humorous, a novelty yes. Sometimes the novelty wears thin. But hey, it's all fun, and I did get a chuckle from your story. Hypnotized the judges, nice.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A comedy routine by Dracula.

Another playful take on the challenge. This lacked bite but was supposed to be groaners and awkward silences. It did have a certain energy to it.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I love the title! It instantly tells us this is a comedy so it sets the mood and tone very well.
Craft - your craft is fine, only one question why have a FADE OUT but no FADE IN?
Dialogue - the dialogue was good but I was hoping Dracula would actually be funny but I guess that would change the story.
Action lines - the action lines are fine, they are clear and concise.
Story - I love the idea. You proved that you can have a ghost, mummy, vampire, or zombie in a comedy. Great job and I hope this places.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD" Not only was I already laughing at how corny and used his other jokes were, I DIED laughing at that. He is soooo lame, haha!

I don't think Dracula should say the suck your blood line more than once. It takes away from it's hilarity. I know he isn't supposed to be funny, but the scenario is.

This was alright. Started off hilarious, then ho-hum... then it ended. Wish it was funny all the way through.

Good job.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

The story was a lot like Dracula's performance. It wasn't funny. I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be funny but it just didn't work. I'm not sure if you meant to have Frankenstein the doctor, or Frankenstein's monster, but the way it read is seemed like it was Frankenstein the doctor. You might want to clear that up.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked this a lot - it was funny and original.
I think you could cut some of the beginning and get straight to the meat.
Anyway, in my opinion it's a very good short. Very entertaining!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Funny stuff. The title is great. Love the take-off on "America's Got Talent" -- subject matter that's timely and relevant.
Really well written. So appreciate when the structure is fine-tuned. Makes it a whole lot easier to get into the story. Felt a little sorry for Count Dracala that he doesn't get any laughs. Elicit emotion. That's the point, right?
This story will play great to the MP community who loves vampires and zombies. As a member of the small minority of non-experts, didn't realize that vampires had "hypnotic powers."
The humor is terrific. Particularly chuckled at Dracula's Lugosi impression (do know who Bela Lugosi was), "Der minds veer veak." It's very, very picky (especially considering the quality of the work), but wonder if ending on Johnny's dialogue, "This could be the start of something big," might be a stronger button. The line's familiar and feels like a good fit with the rest of the tone. Just an idea...

Lewayne White (Level 4)

An enjoyable use of the theme, and a pleasure to read. Great work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

There were some funny lines in here. More of a skit than a story but it was entertaining and well written. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the idea of monsters being performers.

It's difficult to write bad comedy that's unfunny in a funny way, but you had a good stab at it (hah), even if you did rely on familiar puns.

I don't see a moment where Dracula could have hypnotized the judges during his act or before the judging.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was pretty good. It could have been a bit funnier. But for what it was, it was an enjoyable read.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was pretty funny. The title made me laugh. Well written and executed for a light comedy.

The jokes were a bit predictable (part of that was obviously intentional), but pretty enjoyable anyway. "Hey, Dracula! Suck this!" LOL!

The ending was a bit of a let down, but still an original and enjoyable skit.

Thanks for submitting.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Cute idea bringing all those characters together.

Well formatted.

It just didn't lift off the page for me, it felt a bit tired as if I'd seen it before.

Sorry not to be more positive.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

An amusing short, but rides it's pun too much.
I like the big switch with the fifth F, that was a smart take on it.
other than that it was a bit too simple.
Specially with the vampire-joke book and such. Could be loads more entertaining.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought this one was pretty good. I normally don't like comedies, but after reading the darker ones this month it this one felt like a breath of fresh air.

Can't think of much to add than Good job and Good Luck. :)

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The first page of the script grabs my attention, and it sets up a good scene for a comedy.

On page 2, I'm not sure what "ala Lugosi)" is int he parenthesis. I think you should clarify what that is. In addition, I would try to avoid adding something that does not tell you how the character speaks, or what he/she is doing while speaking inside a A parenthetical

The premise of the story is inquiring and original. I don't often hear vampires telling jokes and you're good at pulling off good ideas.

As I read alone the lines, your writing does not appear to be "lean and clean." Wordy sentences consumes space. Eliminating the unnecessary is a reduction of rejection.

On page four, the line, "We hear crickets," when Dracula enters is funny, and it sets the tone of comedy, in my opinion.

For a minute, I did not get the punchline, but I did after a second thought. Everybody refused to actually believe that Dracula is a vampire when he is. Nice catch. I'm getting the feeling that if they didn't give him the trophy, Dracula will probably vant to suck their blood.

Ryan Lee (Level 3)

This had a couple of good lines. I liked how the tone was kept light throughout the entire piece. I think Dracula could have tried a little harder with those jokes, though. I know he's supposed to be bad but yeesh.

The creepy host was the best part, IMO and the fifth F of fraud. Overall, this a breezy read that had nice flow to it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Great concept. I liked the setting and the idea. I was there for about three quarters of the story, but the ending let me down. I don't know and didn't know how you were going to end this, but I felt like if flopped a little bit. (Like Dracula's performance)

There were some funny moments in the script. The dialogue was very strong, and I love good dialogue. It needs a little work, but I gave it a good because of the strong snappy dialogue and I felt sympathy for Dracula (well until he cheated)

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

This is an idea that could've been done so much better. The writing was extremely weak and there were formatting issues all over the place. It's really a shame because there's something there to make a good comedy from, but you didn't get it to that area. You played it very safe. I wish there was something positive I could say about it, but I really can't.

Poor.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a really good entry to this contest from what I've read.

The story was funnym format was tight and well constructed. Always a plus.

The dialouge here is really good. I liked the ending and the whole story works for me. I could really see this expanding and becoming a feature.

Keep up the good work my friend.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Funny. Even the lame ass jokes. I really liked the stand up from Dracula, he killed it. The story was very good and the script was as well. The talented writer here does a really good job and fully understands what he/she wants to do. Dialouge sells me. Keep up the good work my friend.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

I just didn't really get it. Coming straight out of the get-go, I wasn't too entranced with the characters. Instead of using already made up characters, why not create your own? Be original. That's what scriptwriting is all about. Don't use other people's ideas, use your own. And the washed up flop-on-stage comedian has been played out way too many times. I personally could not stand this short. It really just didn't grab my attention, and thought that it was garbage.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:44 AM

A VG from me. Funny is so hard to do well and this story nailed it. Terrific job.

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2011 3:30 PM

Wow. First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments and suggestions. There were quite a few. This was my first contest at MP. I was truly nervous to read the reviews after seeing the quality of scripts in the MP vault.
I wasn't surprised to see most of the votes were in the middle. There were a couple of excellents (thanks so much), but a couple of people wanted to go back in time and make sure my parents never met. I appreciate ALL your opinions and hope to come away from this contest with a better understanding of what is working and what needs improving.
Thanks again.
Your pal, Dave