Comments Made During the Contest
Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)
Good title! Nice double meaning.You use the known genre to good effect so you can paint a clear visual with a few brush strokes at the start. I now know it is about drakula.Except, of course, it isn't. You put me on the wrong foot.Good strong scary mood to the story though!Page two: "A hooded person walks by. Javar follows HIM with his eyes." not "follows THEM . . ."Javar's voice-over means he is confiding in us, making us his friend, making us want to root for him even if he appears to be an evil person.It took me a while to understand the twist; Javar decides to take his own eyes as opposed to the eyes of the young beggar. I didn't realize, initially, that him not having eyes and the dangling eyes were related in some way. Possible fixes: refer to his eyes in some way early in the story so we know he has eyes at the start, and let the beggar show up with his eyes still intact.There is the ironic ending where Javar does manage to resurrect the beautiful woman but he can't see her any more (and I feel he kind of deserves to be able to see her), but there is a motivational problem I think. A beggar doesn't have much of a life ahead of him any way. Except if Javar and the beggar trade places for example. Let Javar resurrect the beauty, make it appear that the young innocent beggar saved her, make her fall in love with the beggar, these two young ones live happily ever after, Javar loved her so much he wanted to give her that life. And it is still a story with a surprising ending. Good skillful writing! It feels rushed at places still.
Brian Wind (Level 5)
Monster = VAMPIRE, ZOMBIE, MUMMYThis was pretty well written, formatted and paced. No issues with typos or formatting that I noticed.I don't love the title.I think the core idea here was pretty creative, but the script could be rewritten for clarity. At times, I was a little confused as to what I'd be watching on the screen. At the end I was unclear why he had no eyes. He didn't take them from the young boy but instead took his own? Or was he blind the entire script and did take them from the boy? I was not clear on what his blindness meant to the story. Also, I do not like the name Javar for some reason.Overall, I felt like the writing was good, but the story could be polished up a bit.Nice work and good luck!
Byron Matthews (Level 5)
There's alot to like in this story. I felt like the voice over gave the story a nice eerie feel to it. I have an idea what a "Van Helsing-type" looks like, but I felt you could elaborate a little more on his appearance. There's so many variations of Van Helsing through the various types of media (movies, comic books, stories, etc.). Your script was nice and clean which made it easy to follow. You are missing a few apostrophes and commas here and there, but nothing major to distract my attention away from your script. I didn't quite understand why he struggled with killing the vampire. Was it the pain that he was suffering, or was it looking into the eyes of the vampire? What exactly was he suffering from? Broken heart? Disease?
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
I liked this for its inventiveness and particularly for the twist at the end. Great job there.You have given your protagonist some soul! I noticed this first when he hesitates at the vampire.You write some peculiar clumsy phrases like 'a robust snore dwells from inside' ?????? You need to watch this.Very good!
Chris Keaton (Level 5)
Notes:- You need an extra space before your scene headings, even though the bolded headings does make it easier to read.Him removing his eyes was about the only twist here. I think it got stuck in a linear pattern because you had a lot to say in only 5 pages. Let this thing breathe and gives some turns. Overall good job.
Darren Seeley (Level 3)
As I read this, I was wondering where it was going. I also have a sneaky suspecion I crossed paths with this writer before. Even if you're not that person, that's okay, because that's on a very high caliber level. I don't have any real negatives, and it is, thus far, the best of the "shoehorn all the undead required characters in the script' I have seen - although it wasn't always needed in other people's scripts. Here- it's more than justified, and while I guessed the last twist right, it still was a sight for sore eyes, pun intentional.(In other words, it was effective)Great job.
David M Troop (Level 5)
"Cure in Sight" is a very appropriate title for this monster script.Javar must conquer juat about every monster known to Hollywood to collect the ingredients for a special potion needed to break a spell.I thought the screenplay was written exremely well. The formatting was excellent. Just one typo that I won't even mention.I liked the character of Javar and his unrelenting determination.The use of voice over was a good choice and skillfully executed - in perfect sync with the action. I knew that Javar could not harm the beggar boy. But assuming the cure was for himself, I did not guess the ending.Overall, I thought "Cure in Sight" was EXCELLENT.It should difinately be in the top three.
Debra Johnson (Level 3)
Very touching story. I didn't expect the ending. Nicely done.Now my suggestions.No need to BOLD the scene headings.You have all these voice overs, does that mean Javar is out of sight? Or we just see the actions? He can talk to himself which would eliminate the (V.O.) commands. Or make them into more actions with an occassional VO.Those minor edits can be done with the click of a mouse and then you will have a very ncie and touching story.
Douglas Farra (Level 2)
Very good, this is what I give you. I liked the story very much and think it was written well. I enjoyed the ending too, it was a great way to tie up the story. The only question I had to really ask myself was, "did it captivate me?" Although written well, I think the story was just too much like other things I have seen or read, if it wasn't for that I would have put EXCELLENT. Good show either way, keep on writting.
Elias Farnum (Level 5)
If this takes place in Transylvania, you need to show this either with a superimpose, or place some signage in the scene to indicate a unique location.Well, another mix of the monsters, and done so with clarity. The story was not muddled by all your characters. Good job, and nice twist.
Ethan Lane (Level 2)
Very nice. I was entertained and loved the story. Pacing was perfect. I'm looking for things to criticize but it's difficult to find anything. I guess the only thing I can think of is that Javar basically fulfills the same way. He tackles and uses his knife. But that's it- really good.
Gary Rademan (Level 5)
A man gathers ingredients for a potion to revive a mummy. Clever premise. Clever twist. Clever title. VG.No real challenge for VH. The use of VO for the entire story was okay but leaves me feeling cheated by being told everything. Now if Javar had to cut his own tongue out, that would make sense.Good misdirect on who the potion was for. A mummy in Transylvania?
Greg Tonnon (Level 5)
Title - I like the title a lot. It is very clever. Craft - your craft is nearly flawless. My only comment would be to add a colon after FADE IN and a period after FADE OUT. Dialogue - the dialogue is good but it seems that you tell us some things in the voice over that could be shown instead. Remember the saying "show us, don't tell us. Action lines - the action lines are fine. They are clear and concise.Story - the story is okay but seems familiar. I did like the ending which made the title so clever.
Javier Ordonez (Level 3)
The story was engaging and well-executed. There was an good amount of description without being over-the-top and an appropriate amount of floweriness to the dialogue. There was clear goal from the beginning (although perhaps it would have been good to know there were five tasks to solidify the quest in the reader's mind) and the plot moved tightly along it with no unnecessary steps. Overall, it was an enjoyable read.My one suggestion for how the story could be made a solid "Excellent" would be develop the final task into a real moment of doubt. All great stories have a moment when the protagonist is made to decide whether he wants to . As is, the final task is just that: another task that hit a bit of a snag from what we see. It would be better to have it take place in the castle room, force the dilemma onto him, and make him visibly suffer, perhaps even seem to truly give in for a solid moment. Maybe he talks to the potential victim, maybe it's an assistant, maybe it's someone that mirrors his own love for a special person, maybe it's trading a less-innocent loved one for his true love -- there's a wealth of options available, and the more tense and torn between determination and mercy he is, the more rewarding the abrupt cutaway and final reveal will be for the reader.Also, in an almost negligible note, the "Enlivened" quote doesn't quite suit the list of emotions, though I do see how difficult it is to come up with a replacement; perhaps something about boldness or ferocity would fit. Overall, this is a solid work.
Jem Rowe (Level 4)
I like the mixing of mythos here, but I found that the script had two main flaws. Firstly, I think that voice over was rather overused and so melodramatic at times that it becomes hard to take seriously. I would reccomend you cut the dialogue back to the bare essentials. Secondly, while I like twists as much as the next guy, I can't help feeling overly manipulated by your script; the beginning of your script didn't let us assume he was using the potion for himself but instead pointed very clearly to it.Other than those details, this was written very well, especially the sparcely written yet clear visuals. "Good". Well Done :)
Jordan Littleton (Level 4)
Decent story but it could have been executed better. Some of it didn't read that smoothly. Some scenes were difficult to picture or they didn't provide enough information to picture the scene that well. It was kind of boring when it should have been exciting. There were some format errors but over all it was clean.
Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)
A funny love story. Nice work. Some of the VO could be perhaps shortened... On page 4 you have "obtain human eyes" - I don't like the word "obtain" here. Some of what he says sounds somewhat stilted to me, for example "the first task..." I wish he didn't say "the first task" but still let us know that it's a count of things he must get for something. I also wish that I knew what he's doing that for earlier. And have a glimpse of that love, her and him together for longer because it's a love story - so I want to see some of it and feel it:)Anyway, nice work.
KP Mackie (Level 5)
Well written and great visual elements. Javar is apparently one ugly guy; he's as colorful as his victims. Like the journey to complete the five tasks, and the display of Javar's heart when he comes upon the Young Beggar. Terrific twist as a reader/audience assumes evil overtakes Javar and he takes the Young Beggar's eyes, only to discover at the end that the child is spared.Not crazy about the voiceover, although it's an effective way to present the tasks. Might not need the victim's list of emotions; the strength of the scene seems to be the encounter between Javar and the child and not the recap. Not a fan of addressing the reader, "Two bloody eyes dangle before us." Love the last line, "His sightless face, for his eyes have been removed," and the meaningful character name.
Lewayne White (Level 4)
You could cut, "A small cellar type room. Bubbling potions and elaborate machinery clutter the room." to 'Bubbling potions and elaborate machinery clutter a small cellar room.''Van Helsing type' doesn't tell us about the character. The Hugh Jackman Van Helsing? The Hopkins Van Helsing. Shorthand only works if we all agree on the terms. "Her cherishing eyes ... say "thank you"." Her eyes don't have mouths or vocal cords. I know what you mean, but be careful how you phrase things.All that said, this is my favorite story so far. Good work.
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)
This was a pretty cool. I guess with a five page limit there was no other way to tell this tale other than with a Voice Over. I didn't understand what was happening to Javar though. His fingernails were falling off, he was dying? But he is human, right? He must be since he used his own eyes instead of the boys (I think). So how can bringing this mummy back to life help him? And who was she? There was a lot of attention paid to creating atmosphere and drama but IMO not enough clarity on who Javar is and who this mummy woman is.
Martin Jensen (Level 5)
I love the gruesome setting. There were some amazing moments, especially when he killed the vampire but couldn't look away. I like how the different tasks gave it an almost mythic quality. Although most attempts at combining all the monsters into one story have been messy, you pull it off here. Your description can be slimmed down. Instead of "Set on the hilltops of Transylvania" how about "The hilltops of Transylvania"? Similarly, "INT. CASTLE CELLAR - NIGHT" would be more efficient than "A small cellar type room". Great ending as well. Excellent.
Michael Cornetto (Level 5)
You decided you weren't going to take any chances and decided to include one of each of the creatures. I really liked it. The ending was charming. My only complaint would be that it sort of read more like an adventure game - not that there's anything wrong with that. Well done!
Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)
This was excellent. Great title!Nice job encorperating so many mosters without it feeling too forced. The quest for the ingredients kept up my interest and the twist at the end was unexpected.The fingernail thing really made me grimace. Nice building of suspense. I liked the zombie-no-tongue mini-twist. The montage worked well, but something about the words during this part didn't quite hit home for me - although I don't have any concrete suggestions for improvement.Overall, I thought this was really entertaing to read. Thanks.
MJ Hermanny (Level 5)
I was momentarily confused by the last line and then I realised he hadn't been able to take the young beggar's eyes which makes it very poignant.I think this is a great contender, beautifully written, poetic, visual and you use the challenge with great originality.It's extraordinary storytelling. The only little negative is that I think some of your formatting is off, there should be more double spacing throughout - between each scene.Otherwise an outstanding excellent, I'm really impressed.
Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)
Very good, BUT. There are some major BUTS here.I'm sure this will place actually, and you are good, as you know...BUT! This is really 'easy' writing, which might not throw people off in the future.- The themes SEEM deep, but at the end, it is all poetic nonsense really. 'Enlivened'...really?- The Voice Over. i'm not saying, never use voice-overs. But- The story just doesn't seem honest. Too concucted. I feel you writing it.- no really new themes. Aside from the classics, none of the elements are really original here. I do really like the organ-grabbing part.- The double-reveal (him trying to resurrect his love AND sacrificing his eyes) is a bit too much. Choose either one.I will compliment you on the well crafted tale and using all the requirements. Nice going on that. You are a very good writer, but this also feels a bit 'too produced'. If you get my saying. I always FEEL the writer there, never comes natural.
Pia Cook (Level 5)
I liked this one. Voting Very Good on it.You came close to killing the story near the end. I was getting mad thinking that it was a very steep price paid for the mummy to come alive. What makes them both think the boy's eyes were worth it to get her to come alive and then...you fixed that issue with the final reveal that Javar had sacrificed his own.Very Good work indeed. Congratulations. :)
Reginald McGhee (Level 0)
Why do you have the scenes in bold print? It is not necessary to add bold in the slug line.Every action, scene, and description all flow well. The voice over character sets the tone for the movie. I see that Javar donates himself to the vampires, zombies, witches, and werewolves. The story has some touching points. The opening description of the weather sets the tone as well as the character’s voice over. I do not understand why you had to capitalize the wooden door. The foreshadowing in the beginning of the screenplay, where a piece of Javar’s skin falls off indicates us that he is donating his body. The character’s voice over is like a lecture to what you are telling us about the witch and other creatures. That’s good.The only thing I don’t understand is, why is Javar selling himself away?Your story development is decent. However, I feel that the plot can be stronger if Javar and the creatures actually communicated with each other as to why Javar is selling himself away. I think the five page limit might have kept you from doing that. The setup of the story is short and to the point. I can visualize everything you described in the screenplay.
Richard Buckley (Level 4)
This was really enjoyable to read, I doubt I'll read many better on this contest. The ending is superb, the only slight problem was the odd portion of dialogue. I don't necessarily know why this had to be set in Transylvania but I liked the classic horror angle you went down.
Ryan Lee (Level 3)
Great story with a nice twist at the end. Packed a lot of narrative into five pages. Really felt like a full-bodied tale. I thought for sure his quest was to heal himself, but at the end it was all for love. Dialogue had a nice, timeless quality to it. No real criticisms. Very well done.
Sally Meyer (Moderator)
My first excellent. I loved this. It's so well written, and the ending is that satisfying ending that I needed. So many stories just don't have the beginning and middle and end, and I'm left feeling cheated a little.Your story was strong from beginning to end, you had every beast and creature imaginable, and your main character had a strong voice and a purpose. We didn't know the purpose until the end. I thought he was doing all this for himself, but he was doing it for his true love.The ending was awesome, because we see he has a heart and a soul, and that he sacrificed himself for his lover, and didn't hurt the beggar child.Very well done, this one will be up there for sure. Try and think about a different title. A story this strong deserves it.Kudos
Shedric Bragg (Level 3)
"His sightless face, for his eyes have been removed." This final line doesn't do it for me. If you would've worded it differently then possible it would resonate. I enjoyed the story, a sort of switcharoo in the frankenstein story. Good formatting, wished the V.O. could be taken out but it stills works for me.
Steven Gulotta (Level 3)
Not great, but good. It seemed as if a lot of the action and dialogue was more filler, if anything. Going through all five challenges was kind of annoying. I think that if this were allowed to be longer and more fleshed out, then this writer would have been able to get everything he wanted out. I feel as if one big confrontation would have been better. An epic fight with the werewolf, a magic dual with the witch, taking on a hoard of the undead, or simply going one on one with the werewolf. However, I did enjoy the ending part. I enjoyed the fact that you don't get what you expect. The character talks as if he is acting all for himself, but is not. I also enjoyed how you think he does a horrendous act, but mutilates himself instead. The twists were good, but came a bit too close together. Again, the problem is not the writing itself, it's just the limitation. All in all, I enjoyed reading it. I give it a good.
Comments Made After the Contest
Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:13 AM
Congrats on the win!!!One of my top faces!! :)
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 12:15 AM
Oh this was really stupendous. I loved it! Many congrats!!!!
Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:17 AM
Congratulations JeanPierre! Nice job!
Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:17 AM
Congrats JeanPierre! You aren't slowing down, are you!
KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:38 AM
Way to go JP! Congratulations.
Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:42 AM
Well done JP, you got high scores from me on this one.
Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 2:09 AM
Very well done man. You are getting so pro here.My favorite script this month!
JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 2:53 AM
Hey, thanks guys. I really appreciate the love. I was honestly shocked over the results.
MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 4:21 AM
Congrats JP, this was a well deserved win, I'm so pleased!! My favourite script, absolutely beautiful, really well done!
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/1/2011 7:40 AM
Debra Johnson (Level 3) ~ 11/1/2011 7:47 AM
Congratulations JP! Loved it! so touching at the end. Almost made me cry.
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 7:49 AM
Well done JP!!! Much deserved!
David Patterson (Level 3) ~ 11/1/2011 10:05 AM
WOW! Awesome. I didn't get to read as many scripts this month as I would Have liked and i would surely have given this an EXCELLENT! Hey...you do realize you have the makings of a great full-length, right?
Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 10:34 AM
...not sure where faces came from. Should be top placers. ;D
Denise Jewell (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:12 PM
Congrats on the win!!! This is so visual and really creepy imagery. Just the way I like my horror stories, and with a heart-tugging twist. Excellent work! Well deserved!
Ryan Lee (Level 3) ~ 11/1/2011 3:00 PM
Great work Jeanpierre. I had a feeling this was the script that was gonna win it. I think I only gave out two excellents and this was one of them. This script told a whole lotta story in five pages. And I liked that twist.
Jordan Littleton (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2011 3:39 PM
Well done JeanPierre. Congratulations on first place.
JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 11:18 PM
Thanks so much guys! I'm glad you liked it. :D
Michael Berg (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2011 12:49 PM
Congrats on your win! I haven't read it yet, but will now.
Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 11/3/2011 12:56 PM
Jean-Pierre! This is wonderful. Congratulations on your win. You earned it.
Jess Lindon (Level 1) ~ 11/5/2011 10:59 AM
I really like the idea because there was alot of description and I felt I was really there. I love the twist at the end and the sacrifice that Javer made. Congratulations, you deserve it! x
David M Troop (Level 5) ~ 11/5/2011 12:53 PM
Congrats, JP! I gave you one of my few excellents this month and a fave.Nicely done.
Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 11/9/2011 5:39 PM
Heck of a power ending. Sorry I didn't review your script, JP. Many congrats on the well-earned win.
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/11/2011 8:55 AM
Congratulations on winning First Place. I finally got a chance to read this and I loved it. That ending is spectacular. What a great and powerful twist.