Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Act one nothing happens. It seems there to deliver exposition; Josh pleads, man says no can do. A bit on the nose, I don't think people would say it that way, matter-of-factly. I feel it reduces the dramatic impact.

End of first page, beginning of second page, the man gives Josh food, and delivers some more exposition. The man is crazy and the boy is afraid and wants to leave, why not show that in stead of having that information delivered through dialogue?

Then the next scene, with Marie and Rebecca, Marie is sobbing, and delivers exposition through dialogue.

Tom, the ghost to the rescue. Neither Josh nor Marie are doing anything to actively deal with the problem. It is Tom, the ghost father, who pushes the story forward, who resolves the conflict.

On the last page the characters come together and deliver the final exposition, telling the audience what had just really happened. The characters in your story effectively only play the role of narrator as they undergo everything passively. The only active characters are the MAN and Tom, the ghost. The others are just experiencing it.

I don't feel an emotional punch because the characters are passive. It is better to show us these things happening so we can feel it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Monster = GHOST

The formatting was pretty good. There were a couple typos that I noticed. The script could have been tightened up a bit, which would enhance the pace quite a bit.

The story here was really hard to believe (and not because I don't believe in ghosts.) I felt like I was just completely missing something, but I don't think that's it. Basically, Josh gets kidnapped by some lunatic trying to forcibly recreate his broken home that also happens to be the twin brother of Josh's moms best friend's husband? That's so ridiculously hard to fathom. Was Josh kidnapped at random and it's all some bizarre coincidence? Or was Josh hand-selected because crazy twin bro was secretly staking his brother that didn't even seem to recall him being alive? Oh yeah, and along the way, the ghost of his dad stops in to beat up his captor and free him from his restraints. I don't know... It was all so far-fetched that I just couldn't get into it.

Overall, I think there might be a decent foundation here but it needs some polish in order to shine.

Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

There's a good idea for story, but this one could use a bit of rework. First of, who exactly is the antagonist -- Greg himself or Greg's twin? Because you it appears that you try to fool the reader into thinking that it's actually Greg then at the end of the story it's like -- oh pysch, Greg has a twin brother, so he's cool. Why not give him his own name fromt the begining and so forth? As for your script format, I see you have a good idea in your mind on how you want to direct it, but it comes a bit confusing for someone who's reading for the first time. You have a dialogue that's off screen but then the next dialogue is "on screen". That's stuff for a director to worry about. I understand that you're trying to conceal the kidnapper's face but there's other ways of doing it. Also, I don't understand what "M.O.S" means? His ghost father finding him and then kicking his butt just kind of comes out of nowhere.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Mangey dog...

Visibly slumps? I don't think you could do it INvisibly!

Is the LARGE MAN Tom? You're confusing me.

It's best to stick to one name per character...now the man is also Greg. Now the man who was Greg is his twin brother Gary..

You MUST sort out the characters.

Your dialogue is a bit wooden.

The story is pretty good though!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

An interesting ghost story, but it seems like it needed some more room to make it work. I do think it could've ended with the kids rescue and not him pleading that it was his dad.

Notes:
- Why is the man's dialog in O.S. since it appears we would see him?
- Some of the dialog is OTN, while some just sounds awkward. If you read it out loud it may help.
- Your action blocks are crowded, break them up, give the story room to breath.

Craig Bass (Level 2)

This is an exciting tale, with some great possibility embedded within it, but something is missing. I just wasn't able to connect very fully with the characters, and wonder if there would be any way to inject a bit more depth into them. Regardless, a very solid concept, with the enemy being an extremely demented, and interesting, figure.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

One of the good things about this one is that it could open itself up for expansion to a longer shorts or feature length. I am kind of curious as to what was taking Tom's ghost this long to rescue his son (could have even prevented the kidnapping) but I was mildly satisfied with it. I would have asked for a little more fright or suspense, but for what it is, it wasn't bad work. Did I buy the Gary/Greg brother thing...? I'm not sure. Something about the dialog. Pay attention to what Greg says:



JOSH
Mom, it was dad! It was! (To Greg)
Your twin brother...

GREG
...is really sick.

MARIE
I didn’t know you had a
brother. Tom never mentioned him.

GREG
I actually thought Gary was
dead.

*****************************

Here's the problem. IF Greg thought his twin brother was dead, why would he say "my twin brother is sick"? It also stains a bit of credibility when Josh knows Greg's twin brother, Tom knew Greg's twin brother, and yet her late husband, her son and Greg NEVER mentioned Gary to Marie. It's the main reason why this feels like there should have been more. Granted, the page limit requirement prohibits this, but if that was the case, why bother with the twin angle? It would have worked just the same if it wasn't his twin. Why hide the identity?

David M Troop (Level 4)

"Runs Deep" is a ghost story that literally kicks some ass.
When his young son is kidnapped by a phsyco, Tom comes back from the grave to rescue him. Some authors would have Tom leave little clues for the police so they could save the boy and arrest the kidnapper just in the knick of time. But, not here. This author releases Tom from all his ghostly disadvantages to settle the scrore like an invisible Chuck Norris.
Which I thought made the story more entertaining. Hey, your antag is a ghost, why not go for it?
Everything else is great. Formatting, dialogue, etc. were well done.
Overall, I thought "Runs Deep" was VERY GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

You didn't put FADE IN (start) or FADE OUT (finish) in the script. That is a must. Some of scene titles like LATER THAT NIGHT can be reduced to just LATER and the reader will understand. Your use of the (parentheticals) are good but in the wrong place.

TOM
(whispers)
I see you.

It was an interesting story and with a few minor changes can be a very good story.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

His face is streaked with dirt from tears? Dirty tears, or did you mean the dirty face is smudged by tears. Any way it goes it was a distraction.

Day to Night should not be in the scene heading. Describe a sunset in the action.

He shakes uncontrollably but not from the cold. Nope. Can't see that. Just put fear on his face, in his eyes. What is it, anger, maybe he's hungry?

Notes on the writing aside, the story doesn't really stand alone. Feels like the end of something bigger. Perhaps better use of the scene where Tom's ghost reveals himself to Marie.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

An evil twin kidnaps the son of his dead brother

The writing was odd in places: "dirty from tears" "which has seen better days" "DAY TO NIGHT" "and it's not from being cold" "visibly slumps" are examples.

Tried too hard (too many times) to hide the twin's face.

The twin thing was not needed and only confused me since it was revealed so late in the story by characters telling us about it.

Good choice of primal topic: A father's love for a son and mother.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is okay but it does not hint at the story or even the genre.
Craft - your craft is fine. I did not notice any mistakes.
Dialogue - the dialogue seems realistic and natural for these characters.
Action lines - your action lines are good, everything is clear and concise.
Story - the story is fine. I like the twists and you used the "ghost" well.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

This script was not bad. Quick and easy to read. Interesting take on the challenge. No problems with format etc... Your story does have a dark edge to it. I have a funny feeling I've seen ghosts come to rescue in some films I've seen. So this script doesn't feel as unique. I think this script would benefit if not restricted to five pages. Explorer the dark angle with keeping Josh in his confines.

All the best,

Javier

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You're writing could use some work. Some things just sound odd like: "Nod's her agreement" and you over explain other stuff, a simple example: "Greg, in his 30s" When you could easily say "Greg, 30s"

There are several actions on every page that you can cut down. Another example: "the cabin door slams shut behind him" could be "The cabin door slams shut" because you already told us that he left. Again, those are not the only ones. The screenplay is littered with over-explanations.

"visibly slumps" Everyone visibly slumps. It's a physical thing.

You shouldn't have mentioned Greg sitting in the love seat until Josh talked to him. It just seemed like a typo until you explained.

Realistically, Josh wouldn't be able to be around Greg.

The story needs work. I mean, I get it, but I think reading more scripts will really help you with your dialogue sounding more realistic, and for your story to be more compelling.

Keep writing though. Again, I could see where you were going with this so it shows that you have talent, you just need more practice, and Moviepoet is where you'll get it :)

John Brooke (Level 5)

It read to me like a wonderful old soapbox meladrama. I could almost hear a tremoulous pipeorgan emphasing the emotions. A damatic presentation of mores that have passed sadly into the past.

Fast paced and clearly written. The title is perfect and prefaces the action perfectly.

You have made a compelling story out of a well-worn plot.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Good format. Good dialogue. The story was predictable as far as the ghost went. The twist with the twin brother was just thrown in for the sake of having a twist.

Other than the cheesy twist, I thought this one was pretty good.

I don't know if it's common knowledge that Dress Blues are a Marine Corps uniform. There should be another way to show that he was in the military.

Kathryn Player (Level 1)

I liked the twist in the plot, when we think Josh is being held hostage by Greg, and then we realise he has a twin. I thought that was cleverly done.

The idea of Tom, the ghost, saving his son was a bit cheesy. I would have preferred it if Tom had managed to escape himself. The ending was a bit odd in terms of Gary's reaction to what his brother did. Surely there would be some embarrassment or shame? It is very difficult to convey all of this in such a short space of time, but a regret or embarrassment would have seemed more natural here.

I liked the action to the film, I thought it increased the tension and was a real drive to read on to the end of the film.



Thank you for letting me read your work.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The story is interesting. This is a bit tragic for me. It's a bit on the nose too. I'd cut down on exclamation marks. Also, people are not fond of ?! -I learned it hard way:)
Now that I think of it - mine is probably too tragic too and I don't like it for it. And it's on the nose too. Maybe we could go through it and get rid of the "obvious". Your woman talks to the picture of Tom. Then Tom helps the boy...- too easy, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific story. Riveted to the page, curious to find out how Josh is rescued.
Might want to streamline the surprise ending a bit. There's a lot of exposition about Greg's twin brother Gary. The assumption is that Josh's captor is Greg, so it might help to plant an extra detail or two that a reader/audience can refer back to and discover that Gary's existence is plausible. Otherwise, the evil-twin trump comes across as a way to exonerate Greg. Would it be so bad if Greg was the villain? Could plant a picture in the cabin of Tom, Greg, and Marie and the plot would indicate a love triangle gone bad.
A couple of terms (enters frame, POV, MOS) that don't contribute substantially to the story; what's occurring is clear without using them.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Hmmm. Ass kicking ghosts and evil twins. The believability factor is way off here I'm sorry to say. Evil twin stories drive me nuts because they are just too easy. You can write any wild story and end it with an evil twin that no one knew about. Challenge yourself to write something more complex. Something that is believable.

And if you want us to care about these people then you have to give them depth. Give their relationships depth as well. Then we can connect. Then we care.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice set-up. Very creepy.

I liked the twist that the Man was actually Greg, but then having him be Greg's twin brother was ridiculous, something more suited to a soap opera than a serious script. You're already stretching the audience's suspension of disbelief with the Man's insanity being beaten by a ghost, but that is too far.

Some of the dialogue was on-the-nose, particularly on the last page where I think you felt you had to suddenly explain everything. A rewrite will allow you to expand it and introduce that information more in the subtext.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

While you did tell a story, I think you did much more telling than showing. So, it had a sort of Murder She Wrote feel to it.

However, there were some large believability issues, at least IMHO. First off I think JOSH and the MAN should have had some interaction about knowing each other. I'm pretty sure JOSH would have thought he was GREGG since JOSH didn't know about GARY.

Then the exposition at the end just didn't work, in my eyes. I think that could have been played more visually and more dramatically.

Also some of the writing could have been improved upon for a spec script...

A hand ENTERS FRAME holding a tin plate of pork & beans

Isn't really necessary when what you mean is

A hand pushes a plate of pork & beans toward him.

Good work for the month.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Nice title.

This was well written. The twists were interesting, but for me the Man turning out to be Greg, turning out to be Greg's twin brother was a bit soap operish.

The foreshadowing was effective. I could visualize and appreciate the contrast when cutting between the the dingy, rustic cabin to the safe, suburban living room/bedroom.

I learned some new things about formatting from this script, e.g. (M.O.S.). Thanks.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Well formatted and Josh really comes to life.

A little heavy handed with trying to keep the man's identity from us particularly as it's Greg's twin at the end which felt like a bit of a let down. Wouldn't Josh have recognised the man and called him Greg??

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

No P.O.V.s!
Interesting start. A guy is chained to a bed by a psychopathic drunk.

p 3 - "Tom, our boy is missing. I can’t do this. I can’t lose our son too! " - we already know he's missing, either rephrase or omit.

p 3 - who is Greg? I'm confused.

The concept itself is interesting, however it's been done before (the Ghost). A son is saved by his deceased dad. Interesting, but on the other hand, the protag here is absolutely passive, acts like mama's boy, therefore it's hard to root for him.

The dialogue needs a lot of work.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Feels like a good story, but it is so messy with so many characters and invisibility and twin brothers. Late introduction of elements. Doesn't feel natural at all, not smooth.

I do like the fast paced writing and the part where you put so much information in it. It feels nice and filled, BUT the choices you make in plot just don't feel smooth and natural.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked this one until the very end. Were there three brothers? That seemed a little contrived.

Sorry about this short reply, but I'm not on my laptop so it's hard to type.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I like how you started out with character description instead of scene description. I don’t often see this done with other screenwriters.

I don’t think you have to use “DAY TO NIGHT.” Instead, you can use “LATER – NIGHT.” I’m not sure how to format the perfect way though.

The start of the screenplay flowed well, and I can picture what the movie is going to be about between Josh and the Man. I can see that Josh was taken to the scene against his will, or is on hostage or something by the man.

The tension of the story is a bit slow at first, but it builds up as the scene changes. One thing I like about your writing is that you don’t provide us with scene description, as it is unnecessary in the script. That’s how I expect a screenplay to be written.

I like the surprise twist in the middle of the screenplay, where Greg is revealed.

You mean to tell me that a boot on its own is doing awesome damages to Greg. I like the suspense here. I can’t wait to see who the ghost is behind the boot.

The story is touching. I enjoyed it a lot. I was a little surprised that Josh’s dad is dead, but it really wasn’t as ironic.

The dialogue was believable, the characterization was good, and everything else were believable.

The reason why I rated it as very good and not excellent is because I probably saw a movie like this before.

Ryan Lee (Level 3)

This was really convoluted and confusingly told. As I understand it, Josh's kidnapper is revealed to be the evil twin brother of Greg. But, that's not how it's written. You tell us that the kidnapper is in fact, Greg. That's how you identify him. So it was incredibly jarring in the next scene to see Greg the beaten up kidnapper sitting in a love seat across from Josh.

Only then does Greg reveal that he has an evil twin named Gary. Unfortunately, that twist came way too late to save this story.

There were a lot of logic issues. Wouldn't Josh immediately recognize Greg(or the man he thought was Greg) as the kidnapper and call him by that name? Could a 13 year old safely drive a truck home?

"an invisible boot slams into his face" If it's invisible, how do we know it's a boot?

Sorry, but there were a lot of problems crammed into five pages here.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think maybe you've tried to cram too much story into a small page amount, and it needs a few more pages to maybe get some backstory.

When we see the man OS he should be completely off screen, so that we don't see him at all. In parts of the script, we see him, but you have him as (OS)

I think you've got a good concept here and this story could be quite good if you had more pages to work with, and didn't reveal everything in the last page.

When we find out that Greg has an insanely jealous twin brother, who was the one who kidnapped Josh, it is just too hard to believe. It's really contrived. I think the idea of there being a twin and him being the bad guy is a good idea, it's just not executed well.

The ending is wrapped up too nicely for me, and so it left me thinking, 'oh that was a sweet story' but it also felt like there was no surprises or solid punch to the ending.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

A couple of misses for me.

" An invisible boot slams into his foot and knocks him on his ass." Something else could've been a lot more affect. The story is fine enough, however some of the grammar here sticks out pretty bad.

The dialouge didn't bring much to the story. It was okay. Keep writing.

Comments Made After the Contest