Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I love the way you used to trick me into believing he's going for a sexual assault. But, because of the challenge, I knew what was coming when he said it takes one to know one. It was a smooth read. You needs to improve a couple of things though:
1- Your visual needs to be more vital. I can imagine the scene, but it's crystal clear in
mind.

2- You should have made me relate to Markus, before you put him in what seems to be a dangerous situation. Otherwise, I won't care what happens to him.

3- When you first introduced Markus you didn't write his name in caps.

Good luck, and keep 'em coming.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Very well-written story, with a few clever turns that deepened the story. First I thought Benjamin was the serial killer (turns out he was, just in a different way), then maybe Markus is the killer, no, Benjamin is picking Markus up for some sex, no, Benjamin offers up the girl for sex in the back of his truck, no, they are both vampires!!!

All hinted at by the earlier remark Benjamin made; "takes one to know one.", "I have something that will fill you up good.", all suggestive of something else and all revealing the real story eventually.

Even the title is applicable to both the originally suggested story and the eventual real story that is revealed.

I like that in shorts; that the surprise turns and twists shine a new light on the story, show it from a different angle and give it far more depth. You did this expertly.

great story!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Monster = VAMPIRE

This was written, paced and formatted pretty well. No errors or technical problems that I noticed.

Nice, tight script.

I don't love the title. It sounds more like a rom-com than a vampire script.

The story was pretty cool. Decent twist, but it comes to early. The twist is when we find out he wants to eat a kidnapped girl instead of get into the gay sex he was hinting at with the hitchhiker. We've got a full page of script after the twist. You've also got a pretty disturbingly nasty method for the vamps to get their blood. I'm sure that will play for you with some people, against with you others in this contest. Personally, I appreciate the creativity and don't mind the repulsion factor.

There was a little bit of description towards the start that could be tightened up, as could the radio broadcaster's dialogue.

Overall, this could be tightened a bit and the name could be improved, but this is a cool script.

Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I have to say...you're story did make me truly uncomfortable for awhile...I was like, uh, are they gonna start making out?! I had no clue where this story was going then they revealed the girl which made me go...these dudes are pretty freaky then it all comes together at the end and I was like....OH, I get it. This type of story isn't my usual thing, but I will admit your story wasn't bad at all; was it weird for me, yes, but not bad. If you wanted to weird me out then you definitely achieved that. Your script format and your writing is pretty spot on, so it was easy to follow your story and you painted a pretty darn good visual picture. I would've liked if the news story released more stories about the killing. I don't understand why he had to eat her in downtown area...no pun intended.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is very good indeed though I didn't think a vampire had a prediliction for a girl's groin...

Excellent from me.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Not too bad, nice premise. I was somewhat skeptical early in. Take, for example, the start of the script and the raido news reporter. ("Police confirm...a victim of the same killer as the other four bodies found in the last two weeks" then "a spokeswoman at the police department sais there are no longer doubts...") - when it could be shorter, to the point and actually sounding like a radio news report. What I did like a little bit between Benjamin and Matthew, older vampire willing to instruct the younger - I'm sure the homo-erotic subtext was intentional. Very clever stuff. Makes this a step or two above some of the other entries.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This is more like it.
"First Time" is a ready to shoot script that will probably get sucked up by some film school student or pro as soon as the contest is over. It's a little early, but I predict that it will finish in the top five.

It is expertly written. The formatting is perfect.
The dialogue is clever. It takes you from serial killer to gay porn to serial killer, then to vampire movie. The only reason I guessed the ending was because I already knew there had to be a vampire in the cast somewhere. I didn't guess two.

Only found two typos.
pg 1 I think thirteenth avenue should be capitalized.
pg 4 Don't Worry.

I liked on pg4 BENJAMIN: We'll go down here. (Nice)

Overall I thought "First Time" was VERY GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

The structure is excellent. The use if white space is excellent. The characters are good. The storyline is strong. The actions are great. I pictured everything and could see everything.

Just the ending what they did to the girl - very disturbing to me. But very effective. I would never have imagined writing something like that.

Excellent all around.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Very exciting, great twist to a good moving paced plot. I didn't know what to expect, which is always good. Gives the audience something to think about. The characters had great depth which added to the story/plot. Overall the story came together pretty nicely. It had a bit of mystery and suspense which kept the anticipation of the story flowing from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing!

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A vampire picks up a hitchhiker.

Ditch the news on the radio. All it does is remind us not to hitchhike.
Let us know something's under the cover.
"it takes one to know one" is vague - how did it work?
What is the driver's destination if he hadn't met the hitcher?
The story didn't prepare the reader for the two on one killing at the end nor the sexual nature. Some foreshadowing would help. Some will like it as is.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is good. It relates to the story and has a double meaning so that is good, but it doesn't tell us about the story or even hint at the genre.
Craft - your craft is mostly good but one minor point: Why have a fade out and no fade in? Also fade out should have a period after it not a colon.
Dialogue - the dialogue with Benjamin and Marcus was good. It seemed realistic and natural. But the news reader's lines seemed forced.
Action lines - the action lines are good, everthing is clear.
Story - I like the story as it built tension well. But I'm not sure if Benjamin and Marcus were ghosts, mummys, vampires, or zombies. They seem more like werewolves.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Okay, I have three things to say about the ending.

First, you lead us to believe that these men are both killers. When Ben picks up Mark and says something like he knows one when he see's one, if I were watching this, since they mentioned serial killers, I would assume that the director wants us to believe that these men are killers, therefore expecting a twist.

And then you give one to us. You tried to tell us that these men are gay guys, stopping at truck stops and want to have sex, but then you turn it around again and show us that they are vampires.

The problem is, we already assumed that they were killers so being vampires wouldn't be that much of a shocker, but would kind of come out of nowhere.

But that's if I were watching it.

Since this contest is about monsters, the ending absolutely came to no surprise. I knew they were vampires, and nothing else.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

There was a lot of build up for what turned out to be a simple ending. The dialogue was good as well as the description, I just wanted more at the end. I guess the page limit was what kept you from elaborating.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I liked this one a lot. Your story is instantly gripping and moves at a great pace. I was hoping that you were trying to throw us off on Benjamin and have it turn out that Markus was the vampire and in the end Markus kills Benjamin. You set up a story that was so compelling and seemed unpredictable that I was a bit surprised that you went with the predictable route and had them both being vampires, since you kind of spelled that out from the very beginning. Still, it's a really good read and I would love to see it made into a short film.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's well written.
I thought there will be a twist but there was none. Also, I wish there was some explanation how Benjamin knows that Marcus is a vampire too.
Two vampires meet, got a girl and started feeding. I wish it was more interesting than that.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This prowler/stalker type of story starts out scary. Bit confused by the time spent on the news broadcast, though, regarding the serial killer. Apparently Benjamin is a vampire and recognizes that eighteen-year-old Markus is a vampire too. Did wonder why Markus would be trolling along a highway looking for victims.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Creepy good! Love the twist at the end. I have much more empathy for vampires than I do rapists.

This was well-written in every sense of the word. Formatting, spelling, punctuation and plotting are all good. The story is interesting engaging. Does that last word work for a story like this?.. All I know is that this story held my attention from beginning to end.

Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Pretty intense and edgy. I figured they were both vampires but I liked the reveal anyway. Nice writing here.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Although the radio exposition while driving is somewhat of a cliché, I did like how you built tension over which one was actually the murderer.

The end was messed up. Very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was well written and I thought you told the story well enough. But for some reason it came off as quite predictable to me and I found that I never felt that their purpose would be anything be eating someone together.

Plus the first time vampire hitchiking struck me as too convenient. It was good, but I think you need to add more surprise to the story.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Wow. This certainly wins the "Most Original Vampire Bite" award!

I have to say that I never fall for the bait of gay sex in these script contests because there doesn't seem to be a lot of writers of gay porn interested in honing their craft. (It's pretty much just "You seem a little tense...")

This also made me aware that we as readers are supposed to be squirming at the thought of gay sex, but relieved to find that it's just good ol' heterosexual bondage, rape, and murder. Whew, what a relief! I'm not sure if this was your intent, but that was my experience and I appreciate being shown this irrational part of my psyche.

So anyway, when I see gay inuendo in scripts I am quite sure that a twist is ahead. With that said though, I thought this was a fairly original twist.

The writing in the action lines and descriptions was very vivid and quite poetic at times. Some folks poo poo this in scripts, but I find it helps bring the script to life.

The title is good, but again, I wasn't falling for the inuendo.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

You build tension well and kept me guessing as to what Benjamin was intending to do with Markus although I figured he was a vampire from his 'pale' face.

Not sure why Markus would be scared if he is also a vampire.

Nicley written, well done.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I think the title fits the piece nicely, and I have to say that I was expecting things to go in a different direction based on what the characters were doing.

I do have a question/concern though. It was Benjamin who "thrusted his head down into the girl's groin" correct? Both he and Markus are vampires. The only reason I ask, is because from the moment we meet Markus, I figured he was the suspicious character, and obviously he is one of them.

I really liked this though. Some really great, vivid details. I could almost hear the dead leaves rustling around the pavement.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I liked the story until the fifth page. The end is too predictable.

I really love your writing, very clean, good words, the dialogue is good. I just wish the ending would be a bit out of the bitten path.

Very Good.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Perverted and sick. Guess you were going for that?

Doesn't really say much. All in it for the shock value.
Wooo they are vampires...yeah..no sorry this doesn't work for me.

It's all so on the nose and the drama feels so forced. Specially revealing the twist.

And it could have been done good. Bit more style
See 'let the right one in' for a good reference on this.

Tread carefully with sex and horror. Quickly goes into B-areas.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The characterization between Benjamin and Marcus adds suspense to the story. The first few scenes of the story flow well. You illustrated the action and the character’s action. My eyes are still glued to the screenplay.

So far, so good, I really enjoy the mystery and suspense of Marcus’ ride. These are types of screenplays that keeps readers reading everything from word to word.
The genre of this story seems to be a thriller. This is a raping movie! It is the first raping, or thriller screenplay I read on Movie Poet. This story is about a shy man, who is encouraged to either rape a woman or find sex. The story seems to have some gore to it, which builds up the suspense.

Your narration is also unreliable, which builds more suspense to the story. You had me thinking that Benjamin was going to take Marcus out to eat and take him home.

I feel bad for the woman. However, the stakes for the screenplay is not high enough. The ending to the story is weak a little bit. I am not sure what changes you should have made to the ending of the screenplay though.I feel that I saw a movie like this before though. Maybe you should have the woman to take her turn to do something to Benjamin and Marcus like they did her. That might add a surprise twist to the movie.

The title fits the screenplay.

Ryan Lee (Level 3)

Clever use of misdirection. I liked how you turned the story once with the reveal of the girl and then again with the fact that they're both vampires. I think you could have cut back a bit on the dialogue from the radio News Reader. Also, in the opening sentence, "stars squint" just sounds odd.

Otherwise, a good twisty, twisted tale.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a good because of the set up and the fact that I had no idea what was happening until the last page of the script. Then its revealed that they both are vampires, out for blood. There's a lot of foreshadowing, and also there's a lot of dialog that leads the reader to think one thing is going to happen, and then we are surprised at the twist.

However, while it was a creepy story with a good twist, I felt like there wasn't enough backstory or fleshing out of the characters. I wanted to know more, I wanted something to happen that blew me out of the water. As it was, it was a good set up, but the payoff was disappointing.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Sick but I like. Not in a perverted way. The formatting is tight didn't spot any problems with the grammar. The story was a simple one that was told really well.

No gripes with the story or characters. Benjamin and Markus can now go on their rampages together good stuff. Keep up the good stuff my friend.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

I liked this one. It was pretty good. I enjoyed how, at first, you begin to think that the main character is some time of serial killer. Sets up a stage for him to be murdered in turn. But, then he picks up Markus, and then I get the feeling that the two men are homosexual. But then, they get out of the car, bound girl. Thinking, "Oh, great. Rape scene." But, again another twist.

I'm not sure where to really improve, but I'm not really sure if this is excellent, either. I thoroughly enjoyed it, that I can say. I guess it would be a good beginning to a film, for it captures the audience twice over, but never really delves into any real action to the very end. But, for as short as it is, and what was explained in the time, this script deserves, to me, a very good.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2)

This is a great job. I think INTERSWITCH would have been used in the case of interrupting the mood of Benjamin to show Marcus and coming back to Benjamine, that is BACK TO SCENE. I/E can be mistaken to mean current or anyother thing in physics. INT/EXT. should be used in instead. I really appreciate your drill. This is great and wonderful. Keep it up.
EXCELLENT

Will Nixon (Level 1)

I really like the way you incorporated the undead characters into an interesting and dramatic story. Knowing the challenge and reading the script is hard because you anticipate Ben being a vampire, but I can see how a viewer would predict him to be just a serial killer ready to kill Markus. One thing I don't understand is the need for the homosexual undertones in Ben. I think it would be possible to give the characters in the truck a different exchange that is as dramatic. Overall though, very exciting.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 12:19 AM

Congrats on the HM Pia!!!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:45 AM

HM, good work.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 4:42 AM

Go girl! Congrats on the HM Pia, well done!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 10:58 AM

Thanks everyone for reading, commenting and voting. Much appreciated!

I feel I needed to clarify that Benjamin does not bite her crotch, but rather the femoral artery that goes by the groin. My bad for not being clear on that. :)

Ryan Lee (Level 3) ~ 11/1/2011 3:05 PM

Great five-pager, Pia. I honestly didn't see that twist coming, even though I tend to look for them in stories like this. I actually think you might have a strong enough concept for a feature here. Two vampires, one old, one young, that endlessly travel the country and leave a trail of death in their wake. Could be something there.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/11/2011 9:16 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. This is a cool twist on the vampire story.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2) ~ 11/17/2011 2:00 PM

Congrate my good friend. I so much fall in love with your job when I read it. I wish I can hear voice to say congrate. keep it up, and you will hit the market.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 11/19/2011 10:27 AM

Thanks Timothy! Very kind of you. :)

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 11/20/2011 1:46 AM

This short script should be filmed someday. I thought this was a good script too.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 11/23/2011 7:18 PM

Thanks! We'll see if anyone's interested. :)