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"Night 6" by JeanPierre Chapoteau

Rewrite: 12/4/2012 12:00 AM

Logline: A determined detective with a secret, works hard to capture a theatrical serial killer.

Genre: Crime - Mystery

Cast Size: 2

Production Status: In Production

Contest: Six (Oct. 2011)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
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Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Angela turns out to be the evil one, in a twist surprise. But Jones seems to be a weak hero. I'm almost rooting for Angela to slash Jones. She's the one pushing the story forward.

No explanation as to how Angela conveniently (because it suits your plot) ended up in that apartment.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your description of Jones is a bit wordy. The phrase "behind thick rimmed glasses" interrupts the flow.

"cuts a small lamp on". What does this mean?

It doesn't have to rain every night of the week. It feels forced.

I like Jones better as just a detective. The vigilante angle is too comic-y for your somber tone.

This is a better story than a screenplay. It's a good read, but if I'm watching it on screen, I want something exciting to happen. Something more than a detective looking at cards and case files.

Bill Sarre (Level 5)

Good in several ways. The best use of six, so far. Most have added this as an afterthought, yours was embedded. Well done.

Virtually no dialogue, lots of visuals. Good, liked that. A familiar setting repeated, again I liked that. Kept it simple.

The last bit with the reveal was fine. I wasn't totally sure, but I accept it is sound. If he could find her, why didn't he know?

Best for me so far.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

2 Characters/ 4 Pages

This was written, formatted and paced well. No typos or errors that I noticed.

The story here didn't quite work for me. Perhaps I didn't follow it correctly, but it seems to me that the detective would have been able to figure out that his girlfriend was the killer unless he's the world's most bumbling cop. Nothing specifically jumped out at me, but I would think there would have been little clues for him to pick up on in their daily life throughou tthe course of the week.

Overall, I think this one just needs a little tweaking to make the twist work better.

Nice job and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 5)

"The sound of rain storms from outside" -- I could be nitpicking here and I probably am, but I'm sure there's a better way of saying it.

"Jones cuts a small lamp on..." -- How do you cut on a lamp? This is actually a serious question? I can't picture that in my head, because I've never heard that phrased that way before.

Now that I mentioned those two things, the story in iteslf was pretty good. Granted, I don't know if Jones was a detective or a super hero? Or if the Night 6 were a villianous group of talon-welding chics? For the most part, I liked the suspense as well as the doom and gloom feel of it. My favorite part has to be the scenes were Jones enters his home after a night of hard work; I can imagine shooting that in my head all day.

Script was original. Format was done very well. You can tell you know what you're doing. Now, I'm not clear on the relationship between Jones and Angela -- I'm referring to the point when they first met. That part is still foggy in my mind.

I enjoyed reading your story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

With the title I can tell you are determined to meet the requirements!

I'm afraid I didn't understand the plot. Who was Angela? What was her motivation for doing what she did? Who were the other women on the cards? What was Mike doing each night? What was the significance of the weather?

Too many unanswered questions!

A picture on the disguise? I don't understand.

Fourth not forth

Shoos not shoes

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Add an extra space before your scene heading to ease the read.

I'm guessing this was a superhero that rescued a villain who then betrays him? Interesting to see a gritty super hero story.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Very cool and dramatic. The best use of the word six yet.

I love how much of this story you tell in visuals. Although I did have to read it twice to make sure I got it all.

Still, this would make an excellent short. Very well done.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I thought the writer demonstrates some good, solid skills in writing especially showing and not telling. There was also a clear effort at not writing on the nose. However, I was confused as to whether the super hero was evaluating victims or suspects, at first I thought victims then suspects then back to victims. I'm not sure I buy the end twist as once Angela was introduced it seemed she played a big enough role that she somehow had to be "6". I think if she played a much smaller role we might be diverted away from her so much that we could hardly suspect she was involved and thus the twist would be much more impactful. All said, I liked the actual quality of the writing despite some mispellings i.e forth for fourth.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

A puzzle of a script. Very cleverly segmented. Makes great use of the Contest Theme. Providing just enough information to make you want to fill in the blanks. The ending provides a lot of clairty, however, which I would not have guessed from reading the first few pages. I was left a bit puzzled by the meaning of a few details, but overall the story benefits from a couple loose ends. I really liked the atmosphere. Hard-boiled and dark. Well done!

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Confusing but mostly well written. I THINK this story was about a police detective who tries to save/rescue the female serial killer with whom he has fallen in love, but I'm not sure. A clarifying draft would probably help. Page 3 where Jones appears to sneak in through a bedroom window to his own house was confusing: IS it his house? Or "6's" house? And if it is his house why does he have to sneak in through his own window? The super hero costume bit also wasn't clear, I assume he is a police detective by day and a super hero by night.

There were a few typos and I'm not sure what "cuts a small lamp on" means.

Still, I liked N6 -- it had a great film noir, suspenseful vibe. And, of course, it's highly visual.

David M Troop (Level 5)

I'll admit I prefer a script with dialogue, but Night 6 was so well written that I hardly noticed the only white on the page was in the margins.
I thought the story flowed nicely given all the narrative. It was a little repetitious until Angela appears on Night 5. Keeping the action to the apartment was a clever choice. It kept you guessing until the reveal.
I have to mention:
The rusted sound of a window slides open?
Dude, it rained for five days straight.
Something smells good. Something tastes good.
There were a few spots where I thought I was reading a book. Or graphic novel.
I almost thought you would blow it by not having six in your dialogue by not having any dialogue.
OVERALL - Excellent

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Where did Angela come from? It started out as a detective trying to catch a murderer, then turning into a superhero. Then Angela shows up. Where did she come from? I think more dialogue could have been nice. Get a feel for the relationship.

Ending was twisted.

Denise Jewell (Level 5)

This is nicely done, but I'm not really sure what happened. I'm assuming she's a killer and he's trying to stop her, but he doesn't know it's her until she kills him. Can't figure out why she's in the pictures or what crossing out a picture means, unless all of the pictures are possible killers? I'm really confused.

BUT, the story took me in and was so visually good. I imagined the whole thing on screen and I think it could work very well. I just think it needs some work to clear up the questions.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The six of diamonds, six photos of women, six carved into their faces, six claw marks... TOO MANY SIXES...! Despite that, a decent story that held my attention.

A couple of comments... "He crosses out a forth..." Forth should be fourth.

Less is usually more. "He heads out of the room." Why not just say: "He leaves."

"Angela, with dry clothes, sits on the floor by the heater." Is she holding the clothes in her lap or is she wearing the clothes. Not clear to me as written.

"Angela shoes him out of the kitchen..." I think the writer means "Angela shoos him..."

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A vigilante is wrong about number six.

2 characters + 4 pages = 6

Interesting way to tell the story, jumping ahead a day at a time was cool.

Page 1 has a few typos.

Introduction of the detective as having a stone cold face with even colder eyes was odd and a bit awkward.

The vigilante was described as having a mask and a cape, I laughed. Not sure that was the intention.

It rains here a lot.

I have no clue as to why the vigilante is poisoned by number six at the end. I know you're trying to avoid exposition but a little clarity would've helped here.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is good. It hints at the story and genre.
Craft - your craft is very good. I did not find any mistakes.
Dialogue - There is not enough dialogue to comment upon.
Action lines - your action lines are good. Descriptive and clear yet concise.
Story - there is a lot of story here in just four pages. Good job showing us in action lines instead of telling us in dialogue.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

"Jones removes his vigilante mask" - I didn't know Jones had a mask on (night 5)

What's the importance of six scratches on night 3? I mean it's probably important to know that there are scratches but I'm still wondering why 6. I don't know if your audience will notice there are exactly 6 by the way - I mean viewing audience.

I guess he had to kill Angela but she understood it and got him. I would want to know why though. And the meaning of 6 - I'd want to understand it better.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific almost-silent movie. The lack of dialogue draws attention to all the detail and pulls the reader, hence the audience, in. Really like the structure. Automatically leads a reader/audience with the numbered nights; no doubt night two is going to follow night one and so on. Provides built-in suspense.
Thought this story was going to be about a Detective Jones after his badge is revealed. Apparently he's a detective/superhero. Interesting mixture. Bit confused by the plotline, though. Nights one through four, he's seemingly the detective until that glimpse of "a bright red spandex suit." He's collecting a large file's worth of dead women. The description of his injuries appears to implicate the menacing "Six" with those "Six claw marks...across his chest." So, she's the frightened next victim and he brings her back to his place for protection, but she attacks him. He doesn't recognize her because they both are wearing disguises when they fight?
This story is really well written, so must be reader error. Sorry.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I didn't really understand this and I read it twice. Who were the women in the photos? Was he killing them? Was he a good guy or bad guy? A superhero? Cop? And who the heck was Angela? Sorry, I was completely lost.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you built up the suspense to the final night.

There are a few unanswered questions, for me the most important being why did he take Angela back to his house instead of turning her in as (what he thought) a potential murder victim? I thought the vigilante aspect was too comic. I think the idea of a detective who knows he can't pursue the killer through legal means turning into a vigilante (like Dirty Harry) is interesting, but he doesn't have to wear red spandex.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

So Jones is a detective/super hero mute who lives in the rain forest?

This definitely had a feel - a bit over the top for me, but certainly well written and entertaining.

I'm not sure I picked up everything you were laying down, though. Was he killing the ones who were crossed out, or trying to protect them, or eliminating them as posibly being "Six"? It was too vaugue for me to determine.

But you definitely created a distinct atmosphere in very few pages. Nice work.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A succinctly put together serial killer tale this slowly drew me in.

I was not sure why Jones is also a vigilante if he is a cop and if he is a cop why he didn't take Angela down the official route and off to the police station if he thought she was a victim.

It starts quite slowly with all the unecessary description of hanging up his coat in each scene.

Lights 'cut' on - thought this was a typo until I saw you used it a second time - not sure what this means - does Jones put the lights on or so you mean they come on in a theatrical sense?

The last line of dialogue feels forced and untrue.

I do like that you packed a whole serial killer thriller in there, well done.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

It's like a comic book,the hero,the detective and his nemesis the murderer named six it appears. I think you over used the content of number "6",I mean everything that was countable had six written,also 6 was the symbol of the villain,that's hoe he marked his targets as far as I understood.

It's not a bad script,very much description.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I liked the simplicity of this story, but was a little put off with the predictable ending. Once Angela's character was introduced I figured she must be the antagonist.

Also, Jones's vigilante personality was not clearly defined (or described). But I did like the progression of his injuries.

One major issue was the growing folder with the women's pictures. Where did the pictures come from and what was their purpose? Were they sent by Six? Were they identities discovered by the police and under protection? These are important bits of information because of the prominence they play in the story.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Interesting concept. Really ran with the 6 idea. I like that here.
Also like the silence and more visually approach. Good training.

However, it felt like it dragged (specially since you have to go to night 6) which means we see the same thing over and over.

The vigilante thing was okay, but would be nicer to see some ability here, or method.
You could surely deepen the plot here.

Found it a bit weird how she was suddenly his girl, cooking there. Specially if she is one of the victims/suspects.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The short sentences are punchy. I think I can guess who is writing this piece. The setup where Jones examines the photos is a good start. As up now, I haven’t seen anything happening at this point.

“He tries to removes his soaked coat” is improper grammar. Instead, say “He tries to remove his soaked coat.”

The six claw marks add suspense as Jones stumbles into the bathroom removing his coat. This seems like a horror movie, from where I see the story going.

That is creepy. The folder tripled into sizes now. It’s amazing that each night that Jones experience something different as each night worsens. I see why you include supers, a little bit.

I finally see Angela, another character at page four.

How can you tell us that something smells good when we cannot see it on screen?
So was this Angela who done all the violence? Too be honest, the ending of the screenplay did not grab my attention.

However, your writing is lean and clean, the sentences are short, and you have one line of dialogue. The overall writing style is excellent.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I have some reservations about this script. So, how do Jones and Angela know each other exactly? From what I got in the script, Jones is hunting down this person who is killing women, but he is a vigilante on top of that? And why the need for a lack of dialogue? Jones and Angela clearly know each other, why do they not speak at all... especially when she has a knife out? Also, the only line of dialogue used seems very corny for the dark atmosphere you set up. Also, the end should read fade to black or cut to black, not just black. Unfortunately, with the exception of the dark atmosphere you established in the first half, I did not like this script. I rate this fair.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well this was a dark script. You did a fair job telling a story with hardly any dialogue. I think this could do with a polish though, there were quite a few spelling errors, that could have easily been fixed with a careful go over, either yourself or someone you know, could have checked for errors.

It might have been condensed to less pages quite easily though. After we got to the Night 4 I wanted something a little different.

However, the ending was satisfying and had a conclusion that made sense.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

The ending was weak but the rest of it was very entertaining. Few errors to speak of although a bothersome one (you said "shoes" instead of "shoos"). I like the way it builds up but the only real problem is we don't know why the story exists. We don't know why she does what she does. We don't know why the cop (if he really was) played a superhero (rather a guy in a superhero outfit). Still...

Very good.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Got the feeling that Jones was the killer early on due to the set up. The character didn't have much backstory or dept in this one. I'm a stickler for character. Didn't know where this was going towards the end, it seemed very awkward and with the choices that were made in the story. The lead up was much more interesting than what turned out in my opinion.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Really nice job of leading us to the reveal of “Six.”

The playing cards were a nice touch to keep us wondering who, what, and how Jone’s would confront Six. The black hood with designer six gave me the impression that maybe a roller derby hottie was the true culprit of evil.

In my opinion, I might actually have Six be that roller derby queen and take begin the take out by bowling him over on the roller rink. Then... she could do him in with the claws of her roller skates. I don’t know. There are many ways to go and I think you did a great job setting us up and delivering the final blow.

Very good.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2)

The first action line of the first scene suppose to be a better picture showing how furnished the room is. I suggest better language needs to be employed for this instead of "Neat and Clean".
Saying studies the card... sounds telling, I feel something like "fixes attention on the card" shows instead.
"One picture has been crossed out" is another thing you have to consider. It should be better to describe the picture so a s to have mental picture of what you are saying. something like "a cross line over a medium cut of a woman at her 40's with wavy hair, smiles on the picture."
Also using the word examine sounds psychological than showing. It is better use "checks other cards by turning or somehow else".
You really have a good work. keep it up. Your work is a page turner, keeps one expectant to see the outcome. It is a wonderful one.
I give you VERY GOOD.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I liked the suspense you built up here and the way it paid off at the end. But the whole story just feels detached and empty to me. Why should we care about Jones and what's with his spandex suit? Really good writing, especially keeping it going with no dialogue for so long.


Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2011 10:58 AM

I really enjoyed this script a lot. I loved the use of titles for each night and the way the story progressed. It definitely stuck with me.

David M Troop (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 5:00 PM

I thought this script was awesome. It got one of my very few excellents this month.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 12/2/2011 2:05 AM

If I had just proof read this more than once, I could have cleared all the confusion up. I should have waited and just entered this in December's contest. :(

Jones was a detective by day and superhero at night. He's trying to catch a theatrical serial killer, who always has to do everything in sixes. The villain, Six, captured six women and killed one of them off each day. Jones was racing against time, trying to find these women before Six could kill another. Eventually he got close enough to rescue the final one. But little did he know, Six created this elaborate plan to pose as the "last victim" so she can get close enough to kill him.

There it is :) I hope that clears everything up. I really, really wish I didn't rush to enter this. Oh well. Ya live and ya learn.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 12/2/2011 2:08 AM

Thanks David and Chris. I really appreciate the love. :)

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 12/2/2011 2:10 AM

Jean, I really didn't find it it all that confusing. I think a proof read may do the trick, and I enjoyed this story a lot. That's why I rated it as very good.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 2/8/2012 4:18 PM

NIGHT 6

Very good on your rewrite JP! I understood it better than the original post.

Here are a few things I was unsure about:

The logline states theatrical killer. Does that mean a killer with style or a stage performer? Perhaps, the phrase is “killer with a flair for the theatrical.”

What connected the six women? Knowing that would have elevated her being the killer to a star performer.

For about a half page, I thought the detective was the killer. Cool.

The description of his vigilante suit stumped me. Then, I realized it was a superhero costume or a form fitting action suit. It took a moment to figure that out.

“But she realizes he is the hero” is a strange action line. I wasn’t expecting anything so direct.

The only other thing is the single word “BLACK” on the last page. Some people will do anything to increase their page count. :)

Gary

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/8/2012 4:59 PM

Thanks for the read Gary.

"Does that mean a killer with style?"

Yes. Like The Riddler does riddles, Six does everything is sixes.

"What connected the six women"

They all looked alike, but they could have been connected in some other way but I thought the details in the investigation would have strayed from the story I was trying to tell. What do you mean Star Performer? If it makes Six look like a better killer, then I have to hear it, haha.

"The description of his vigilante suit stumped me"

I guess I always think of a vigilante as a superhero, but that's not always the case. That's a good point. I might change that. Thanks man.

"But she realizes he is the hero"

I battled with that, but it's the simplest way I thought of. Any suggestions? I know it's "forbidden" in screenplays, but eh... I liked it.

"BLACK" just happened to spill over on the fifth page. There's no requirement for it to be 5 pages.

Thanks dude.


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