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"Naughty" by Darren Seeley

Rewrite: 2/1/2012 12:00 AM

Logline: To appease his sister's sex fetish and drug addiction on Christmas Eve, a man kidnaps a store Santa, unaware of the grim consequences.

Genre: Fantasy - Horror

Cast Size: 5

Production Status: Available (Please contact the author to negotiate the rights)

Contest: Fifth Year Open (Dec. 2011)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
15%41%27%10%7%

Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Now there's a catchy title. Naughty suggests... naughty stuff. Simple and effective. I am guessing very few people would not start reading.

The first action paragraph was confusing to me. I had to read it a few times before realizing that Bunny was in fact inside, looking through a window, at a scene outside of a man in santa suit. I thought initially she was outside too.

Why does Kevin want Bunny to have sex with the santa? I mean, they just want his money? It's a mugging isn't it? That is about the only thing I would change. Her being a part in a mugging makes her bad enough as it is.

Nice dark christmas tale!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I assume Bunny is near the window? The glimpse of Santa, viewed outside the window, should be probably be it's own external scene. It's a different camera location, after all.

"vandalizes everything in his path." Can you be more specific? When I think of vandalize, I think of graffiti and the smashing of objects.

"Kevin snowstorms a nearby coffee table." I've no idea what this means.

"Christmas ambience spills out, highlights Kevin’s way". You need to be more specific. Are we seeing lights? Hearing sounds? Christmas carols?

A couple of grammar errors.

I can't find a reason for Kevin to ascend to the rooftop. If he's looking for Santa's car he's not going to find it there.

"Kevin in awe." Can you think of a way to visually describe Kevin's awe? Maybe "eyes wide" or "jaw dropped"?

How will the viewing audience know something is alive in the black bags?

Capitalize horn kid when we meet him.

I like your use of Krampus. He certainly doesn't get enough of the Christmas spotlight.

Your story is difficult to read due to grammar errors and lack of details.

Bill Sarre (Level 5)

Well that was a sad, dark tale. Alas not one I enjoyed.

I liked the way it went from a traditional story to a supernatural/horror which was unexpected but overall I wasn't always able to follow the story.

There also appears to be a few format and spelling issues which need tidying up.

To be honest at the end I wasn't sure what had happened or why. Maybe a rewrite would tighten this up. Also I think you need to introduce your characters a little more fully - for i example wasn't even sure whether Bunny was a girl or boy at the beginning.

Regards

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Written well, no major typos or grammatical errors spotted.

Characters were described well as were the scene settings and actions.

It was atmospheric at first and quite interesting but then became a bit too surreal and difficult to follow.

The ending was confusing.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Well, this was quite the twist on Christmas. I enjoy stories that alter normal ideas and create whole different worlds - those aspects of your story I respect and enjoy. The problem for me is I didn't really sense a coherent storyline here. Even the characters were all over the place. At first Kevin is pissed at Bunny and dumping her drugs out, and then he's kidnapping Santa to show her a good time?! I couldn't follow any of the character's motivations with this. And who was the demon-reindeer-child in the black toy bag? This one kind of got past me. And one last thing... the title page... you shouldn't really get fancy with the fonts here, just stick to the usual courier font. Let the story speak for itself.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was paced pretty well. The formatting was mostly okay, although I don't believe there is ever eally a need for bold text in a script. A handful of typos. The characters here never really came to life for me and that is probably because I was too busy trying to follow a very confusing and illogical story. I was able to follow what was going on right up to the last page but then you lost me completely with the mission impossible masks and demons coming out of nowhere. This had potential, but the ending didn't make sense to me. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 5)

First impression, there's a lot going on here, and it's a bit confusing at times.

When you say "he's offering a pot;" do you mean like salvation army pot or like a pot of gold?

Some of the dialogue and the action doesn't make sense, or I'm confused on what's going on. Is the reader supposed to see the Carolers, or is the reader (like Kevin) only supposed to hear the song?

Who's Krampus?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was pretty sick but very well-written and gets an excellent from me, though sad to see Christmas thus desecrated!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is one of the most dark and twisted stories I've read - the forced rape of Santa. I don't normally mind dark, but there didn't seem to be any redeeming characters or moments in this story. It was just shocking for the sake of shocking. Maybe that's what you wanted. In the end, your craft is very good, but the story left me cold.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

Wow. Very dark christmas story but it was written very well. Really great visuals and really full unlikable characters. The only comment I really have on improvement was maybe more from Santa himself- more of a fight? Maybe try his hand at a goodwill lecture, he doesn't do much here.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Not for the faint-hearted. Christmas, and especially its beloved hero Santa Claus, may never be viewed the same. It's twisted, but I have to admit I was tickled by certain images of Santa indulged in certain activities. Let's stop there. I felt it spun a little out of control towards the ending, but I give points for originality and bravery.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This one use some editing. Too much direction. Too much dialogue. Not nearly enough description of the characters, which was limited to:

"BUNNY(mid 20s)..." and "KEVIN (18)...". That's not description, that's stick figures. You don't have to do a lot but give me something to see. I'm sure you could see your characters when you wrote this. Make them see them too.

Other than that... I think I'll go take a shower now.

Thanks for entering. Good luck.

David E Harding (Level 2)

Nice effort. You have a good understanding of screenplay formatting. Keep in mind, grammer and sentence structure is important. Missing words and incomplete sentences make it a struggle for the reader (and potential producers). Keep at it though, I like where you're going this story.

David M Troop (Level 5)

Naughty? Nasty!

My first script of the New Year. Looks like someone's been drinking some of Grandma's special egg nog.

Naughty starts out as a dark comedy then goes pitch black.
I'm not sure I like the image of Santa being tortured and whipped. Sort of like -Passion of the Claus.

However, the formatting was very good. A few typos.
The characters were good (I mean bad).
The whole business with the kids in the bags was weird.
I expected Bunny to get killed. I assume Krumpus killed Kevin, too.

Overall, I thought Naughty was GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

The font for the title page is changed. a real no-no. Also, you don't bold the scene headings. Already a distraction for me. Certainly don't care for the story either.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- Kevin and Bunny are very naughty teenagers when they demand $7000 cash from Santa --

Interesting looking page with the bold slugs and paragraphs in blocks of three to four lines. What a story! Horn Beast Kid was pagan enough to scare the coal out of me.

EXCELLENT!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - very good choice on the title. I instantly thought this would be a Christmas story about poor behavior.
Craft - your craft is nearly perfect!
Dialogue - the dialogue is okay but you have a dilemma. To be more realistic and genuine to the characters (a coke head and a thug), I would think they would use rougher language than you used. However, as a Christmas story, that may turn readers off to your script.
Action lines - your action lines are fine but some of the spacing looked different. Also I assume you meant "face" but typed "facxe".
Story - the story is good but I'm guessing that some may not like a Christmas story with violence.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

There are many fixes this story needs, but the main one is the tone and genre of this story. You need to learn to write in a certain tone. For one, Words like "plops" belong in a comedy. "Sparkles" belongs in a romantic or fantasy. "Which needs a good dusting" again, comedy. This was a horror. I honestly did not get that from reading the script until you introduced the demon. And I love stories that start off as drama's or even comedies and end up as horror, but this didn't seem like one of them because the genre wasn't focused.

The script started off kind of light, with words like "sparkles" and stuff, and then had some drama, and then turned into a thriller as Kevin kidnapped Santa and asked him to sleep with his sister at gunpoint. Then oddly fantasy when you mentioned Rudolf. And at last, horror. The genre and tone of your script were not focused.

There where other issues I had with the script, but I'm sure others will point it out.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This has some really interesting ideas and images, but it's just so darn hopeless. I'm not saying that all scripts should have a happy ending, I'd be the last person to say that, but at no point do the characters even seem to consider or have a chance at different decisions or a different fate.

Other than that, I think your writing is rather good, especially in terms of imagery.

John Piazza (Level 2)

I read this twice thinking I must have missed something the first time...couldn't find it. The story simply made no sense to me.

"Naughty," I presume has some relevance to "naughty or nice;" but I couldn't discern exactly where the "nice" was. The characters were one-dimensional without souls.

On the positive side, it was pretty much formatted correctly; it had somewhat of a beginning, middle and end and there were only a couple typos.

Maybe it was just too profound for me, but my suggestion would be to invest substantially more time in story and character.

Good luck.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's pretty violent. I didn't understand Kevin's motive. Was it to get the money to pay off the rent or was he just a bad (very bad) man? --I didn't understand that.

I undertand what happened - it's not hard to follow the plot - bad people got what they deserved in full. I think it's a good short. The only thing it's just a bit on the nose - the villains are too cruel, too bad.
What if the characters were bad but you presented them as good and then we learn that they are actually bad, in the process?

Kirk White (Level 5)

I got a little lost after he kidnaps Santa...felt it was a bit jumpy from "teach her a lesson" to suddenly she's laughing and seducing him...it felt like something was missing. I also wasn't exactly sure about the resolution../ it seemed creepy and will probably look really cool once filmed but overall I didn't understand the creepy kid and why santa weeps.

giving a fair.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I find it very hard to follow the action in the story. Other then the errors made, your descriptions are unclear and a little confusing. I kind of like the story I just wish that you would of eased into the rampage.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Lots of visual quality and action.
There don't seem to be any likeable characters. No one to root for. Wonder if Kevin might rob the jolly gentleman because he needs something more substantial than drugs for Bunny; might provide some empathy for Kevin.
Maybe a more traditional approach to what Kevin finds on the roof would work better. The introduction of the Frozen Six-Year-Old Kid and the Bald Kid with Reindeer Horns and Eyes comes rather late, and there's mention of a "silhouette dressed in a Santa suit and reindeer horns (with a) black duffel bag" that doesn't appear to fit anyone.
There's a good story buried in here, but probably a bit too much material that could be streamlined.
The title is terrific and a perfect fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This is such a dark vision that I have a hard time getting into it. I know you intended a distubingly dystopian vision of Santa Claus, and you achieved your vision. In this naughty little story, Krampus takes over and runs wild.

Part of my difficulty lies in the feebleness of Santa himself. Not only do you intentionally upend the goodness of the man/myth, you allow him to be a side character, not even a protagonist. He just sort of watches as all this stuff happens to him and to the people around him. I'm so used to Santa being a central figure that I couldn't quite handle his helplessness: he can't even control the little devils who ride along with him. Even in the Krampus legends, I'd imagine that Santa maintains some sort of control over him, or at least enough over himself as to not be tortured by a hazed addict.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good, but I think you should leave the atmospheric lettering to the screen version.

You give Bunny a general age and Kevin a specific age. Be specific with both. Using numbers takes less space than writing a number out.

"... a offering pot..." Use the word "an" in front of a word beginning with a vowel, and "a" in front of a word beginning with a consonant.

Shaking the coke into the air would get Kevin high, too. Is that why he's so bad? He wants his sister to straighten up, threatens her with rehab, and forces Santa to have sex with her to punish her, and she loves it.

Introduce the second boy as KRAMPUS. There's no reason not to. You refer to him as "another kid," "demon boy," and "Krampus." Nail down his identity with one term and stick with that throughout.

"Kevin rips off his face like Mission: Impossible. New facxe of the horned boy demon."

First of all, you can get the visual across without bringing in the Mission reference. Try something like "Kevin reaches up, peals off his face." This is your movie script. Make it your own.

Second, always double check your spelling. This error (facxe) is pretty hard to miss.

I sometimes highlight parts of a script I'm reviewing, then do a copy and paste into the review so I can reference it. I couldn't do that with this script. That doesn't affect my vote in any way, but it makes me wonder if you're using a writing program or not.

If you are, it's giving you some spacing problems.

If you aren't using a program, try downloading CELTX if you can. It's free. Free is good! It's also fairly easy to use and has automatic spellcheck.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Even though I'm reading in January, I like the idea of two sleazeballs inadvertently kidnapping the real Santa, and how you brought in Krampus as well.

It doesn't matter so much on here, but using a stylish font to draw attention to your title comes across as amateurish.

Some of your description could be improved. A sentence like "Confused Kevin" doesn't mean anything.

Maura Sateriale (Level 1)

Wow. That is shocking, dark, twisted, and disturbing. That gave me powerful images. a very intense one-act. Who is your audience? I would like to see more of this, to be honest. I would like to see Santa and his reign of justice in a longer production

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Very well done. I Need to read it again. I am only vaguely aware of the Krampus fairy tales but this was chilling.
I was a little confused by Kevin's re-entrance. The way the script was written, it was unclear as to whether the reader (viewer) would be aware that it was the Krampus in disquise. We certainly knew before Bunny, but the "ala Mission impossible mask removal" said to me that it was to be a surprise to the audience as well. Some of the earlier description, however, seemed to want to let the audience know before the mask came off. Not sure which I would prefer, it was that I was unsure of which one was intended.
Nice job.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I didn't like this, then I liked it, then I just wasn't sure.

The beginning seemed generic TV drug stuff, and the violence seemed over the top to me. The dialog was wierd, like why would a nasty character like Kevin say, "freaking"? That's just a PG replacement for an R rated word, which this tale seems to be.

Then the deer on the roof caught my attension, the caroling and frozen kids in bags were great images.

Then I got confused. Who is the "silhouette dressed in the Santa suit and reindeer horns"? What "white light blinks over Kevin’s face"? What is Krumpus? Sorry, I don't know the Mission:Impossible reference.

Overall, I thought this was pretty cool - good idea and images, but there were some typos, distracting dialog, and confusing references that threw me off a bit.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The visual images of the two kids in the sacks singing the song on the roof are just great, really chilling and original.

Kevin and Bunny are pretty unlikeable which makes the script a harder read.

I don't understand why Santa was crying at the end.

A lot of grammar errors throughout, a few below:

MAN IN A SANTA SUIT by a offering pot - I think you mean stands by

scoops up three dollar bills off a night stand - lose the 'up'

Bunny, light vomit from her mouth - around her mouth??

New facxe

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
Oh, we're in for something good here.

Pg1:
Odd, you describe so much in this scene, yet your two main characters get NO description at all. What am i looking at with Kevin? Is he wearing a suit, or just sweatpants. Do you see the difference?

Pg2:
Strong visuals, but why is this all happening? Feels a bit random. He plucks a guy off the street with a gun. He just does this?

Pg3:
Wow, total change of scenery, set and tone. What's with Rudolph watching him now? And why is Bunny teaming up with Kevin at this point?

Pg4:
Another change of pace. I like the dialogue and the visuals. Feels out of place in this script?

Pg5:
You didn't introduce the horned kid as Krampus yet. Perhaps you should have, makes the impact better. And then Santa just leaves.

Awkward. Hints of brilliance there with the visuals, but feels so empty thematicalky. Like Kevin and Bunny being so over the top uninspired weird. Coke & guns. Odd odd story.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I haven’t notice any formatting errors, but the screenplay can be tightened up to speed up the pace. I found only one grammar error. “a” should be “an” before “offering,” since it’s the sound of a vowel. I’m sure it was a typo and unintentional.

A drug addict holds Santa Clause at hostage, orders him to give money and gifts to his sister, Bunny, for Christmas, and rescues Santa after the spirit of Christmas influenced him. Then his sister becomes the bad girl and is beaten to let Santa go.

I was a bit confused about Kevin’s intentions to take Santa Clause at hostage to begin with. Why would he do something like that? I don’t know much about him, but it seems that the story is plot driven and well written. I enjoyed this story a lot, and it would be nice if you developed Kevin a little bit more. I will rate this as Very Good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I didn't get it. This one just didn't work for me. The short descriptive phrases brought the noir feel to the piece but the characters weren't likeable or interesting and I felt I had no one to root for. Having everyone to root against, I felt like I wanted more from the unusual twist at the end but even that felt empty to me. I'm sure the gritty scene would play well in a short film but as a script this one was hard to follow.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

I usually frown on unconventional font choices for the title page, but I can also appreciate when they work alright, as this one does.

I also do not gripe about bold slugs. Your regular font is so pale, however, that the slugs are, like, "SLUGS!!" If you are going to keep doing that, find another method of PDF conversion.

I really like Kevin. You may ultimately take him a bit too far, but early on this is a great character.

You lost me for a bit around the middle, with the kids in the bags. Not that I wasn't buying into the story -- I mean it was all a bit unclear and I lost the thread of the story. Like, when you give Kevin actual dialogue at the bottom of page 4. That was really confusing, and the silhouette need not say anything, really.

This gets an Excellent, but it is a low excellent. If you do nothing else to this on rewrite, please lose the reference to Mission: Impossible.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Wow this was really a strange script. It goes from one thing to another, getting darker and darker as it does, but you're dealing with Santa Claus here, so to me it's not working. I hold Santa with a lot of reverence and so his treatment at the hands of Bunny and Kevin was too much for me LOL.

I felt this was just too dark. I didn't enjoy it. I hated Kevin, felt sorry for Bunny at first, then didn't like her either. So the only one to root for is Santa, but he's got little children in his sleigh in sacks? So I don't like him either.

Sorry but this one goes on my 'too naughty' list.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Colorful and cool font on the title page I'm unlike others who say don't screw with the font liked it.

This is a tale of two junkies going around wrecking habit on Santa Claus but they get what's coming to them by some weird looking kids. I enjoyed this twisted story of the many people have about Christmas being naughty or nice and Santa Claus will not give you what you want. Loved the story here, keep up the very good work.

Stephen Gill (Level 1)

Extremely random script. Unsure of point, other than a twisted take on the typical "Santa knows when you're naughty or nice" routine. I understand it's only a five-page short, but also know you can do a lot in five pages.

The writer knows how to write. I'd just suggest finding a more makeable short film to spend time crafting since presumably the whole point of a short script is the interest in shooting it. And this isn't really a story that's worth the effort it'd take to prep, shoot, edit, score, mix and finish. And that's generally the criteria people use when reading a writer's work.

T. James DeStein (Level 5)

This was pretty weird. Your writing is really good but the story just drifted so far out there by page 4 that I could't really connect with anything. Maybe tone down the weirdness?

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The narrative seems kind of choppy and I think more descriptive words would help in places. Lots of partial sentences.

In the end, the story doesn't really seem to lead anywhere for me.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Okay. What the hell did I just read?

A very strong part of me is thinking that this was bad on purpose but whatever. The two main characters are obviously meant to be comedic but it doesn't change the fact that there is a LOT of problems with this.

First, I need to know, is Bunny a female rabbit or what? All you say is Bunny (mid 20s). I didn't even know they were a girl until you finally said "she" later on. Am I supposed to assume that this is some kind of coked up rabbit who just happens to have this younger human brother?

Also:
Page 1: "MAN IN A SANTA SUIT by a(n) offering pot outside." The mistake almost made me think that the Santa was dealing pot. Change it to "an".
"KEVIN (18) scoops up three dollar bills off a night stand which needs a good dusting." Do the dollar bills need to be dusted? (I obviously know what you are saying, but you phrased it wrong.)
"He notices this, and writes BITCH with his finger." You need to remove the comma before the "and".
"Bunny, nervous." Show, don't tell.
"Beelines to the man in the Santa suit." I'm pretty sure beelines is a noun and not a verb.
Page 2: "Hearing me now, fat man?" Sounds better as "Hear me now, fat man?"
"My junkie sister needs to be taught a lesson, took all the rent money, put it up her nose." This dialogue felt kinda awkward, even for this character.
Page 3: "Don’t cha want me to sit on your lap, tell you what I want for Christmas?" Same as before. Awkward dialogue. Maybe you should add an "and" in there or something.
You also missed a space between the comma and "credit" in another piece of dialogue.

After these errors, the script was getting a little more polished but was weird as hell. Why are there two kids in the bags? Who the hell is Krampus? You never say. Why should I actually care about any of this?

This all just seems like some teenager/college-aged kid goofing around with writing and not actually putting any real effort into it. I'm college-aged too but I don't make things this confusing when I write.

The grammatical and typing errors can be forgiven if the script was more clear. Work on that. If I knew just a little bit more about what species a character was (I'm still baffled with the whole "Bunny" thing) there would be some redemption for this.

Better luck next time.


Comments Made After the Contest

Raphael Howard (Level 4) ~ 11/30/2013 3:59 PM

I like the idea. It draws on the idea that Santa has evil helpers who punish the naughty, and does so in a clever fashion. Only when we find out that the man is really santa does it begin to get creepy. It's very dark, and played purely straight, but it is not particularly scary- More like a crime-and-revenge story where the victim fighting back happens to be santa...


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