Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Your piece didn't deliver. I didn't understand the ending. I didn't care for the characters. The whole thing felt like it was chopped from a longer piece. It read smoothly though. Your story needs to be clearer.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A recognizable fantasy. What if you were able to meet your younger self? What would you tell him? We've all been there, the young guy trying to make it in life.

The book, the "let's write the next chapter", was a bit on the nose though. You just need an object that the old couple also have in their car so we know it is the same two, just older. The meaning will become clear visually. No need to add the on-the-nose "Let's write the next chapter."

Great idea for a short! Almost perfect execution.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

BOY and ROY rhyme, making it difficult to separate them in my head. Give the boy a name.

The camera is inside the station wagon and the tire blows. Are you showing us the tire blowout or are we hearing it?

"Both kids are awake and fussy." Introduce the second child at this point. Also, are the kids outside the car or inside? I read an EXT shot so I assumed they're outside. Be specific.

Roy's dialogue when he fixes the flat is pure exposition. Try to blend it into a conversation with Pat to make it natural.

"The engine doesn’t sound good." What does an unhealthy engine sound like? Describe the sounds we hear.

"Roy gives the man a look that indicates that isn’t the conversation they should be having." What kind of look would that be? A grimace? A frown? Mouth agape?

Good ending. Very inspiring.

Your story is good, you just need to flesh out the details. Don't expect the reader to assume what you mean.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Interesting.

I wasn't wholly sure about the set up but I like the idea of parallel lives. Of course we are left with the question of how does he see himself, why would the older him see the younger etc? but in some ways its really a message from one's wiser self to the innocent self. Almost a sub conscious pat on the back, reassurance.

The speech to god, is possibly a little too much exposition and I wonder whether it rasies a debate of a regilious protector or whether it confuses the simple concept. One to ponder.

Nice tale.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written, formatted and paced very well. No typos or errors that I noticed.

The kids should be in CAPS the first time we see them.

The dialogue was fantastic and rang very true. Pat's especially was very credible. I know a few women exactly like that. Good dialogue helps form good characters. Nice work.

The story here was weird. I think I liked it. I don't know. I feel like we deserve some form of an explanation as to how they are time-traveling. Basically we are given lots of filler conversation about tires and sandwichs, but the real story here is the time traveling that's going on. I like how subtle it was, but I felt like we should be able to believe it could happen. Is he going to NYC because he's a quantum-physicist and just received a big grant?

I thought you did a nice job on this, I just want an explanation. Good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impression, the story was good. You describe Patricia, but you don't describe Roy, any reason why? Even though, "pretty church girl" is a pretty broad term, but it's more than Roy received. Are they a poor couple moving to New York for a better life? How did Old Roy look and dress when he appears next to younger Roy? By describing the old man, it gives an indication if the trip was a success or not. There's a lot to like about the potential of this script, but I believe if you rewrite and tweak a few things, it'll be even better.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Story about pregnancy. Comedy. That's what the title says to me.

Not exactly right, was I?

This started off well, I got engaged with the characters and the story and felt suspense but then it fizzled out with the ending. It was a though you ran out of space to deal with this significant bit with as much attention as you used for the start which could be trimmed, for it is a lot of scene- setting...

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This feels like a cool "Twilight Zone" style story and I like that.

I felt for this family and I wanted them to succeed. It's a cool twist to him the visited by his future self.

I wish there was a bit more explanation though, something about this place or this moment, that caused this fantastic connection.

Lastly, great title.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

Church girl? Not altogether sure why you chose this nor how to picture this. The dialogue during the prayer sequence is just too on the nose for comfort. I surmise taht the theme of this piece is to be persistent and stick to your plan and don't give up. But, it all seems too easy so I don't care about your protagonist. I might care about a guy who gets no divine messaging and has all these pressures yet still sticks to it.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

A simple but beautiful little story. It captures the melancholy sense of leaving home. And it also displays the wonderful human ability of going from super-excited to super stressed out in very little time. My favorite moment was the interchange with the old man. When the old man gets into his car there's this eerie sense that this is Roy And Patricia in 50 years. Well done!

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I'm a sucker for these kind of stories and this one was well done. I got to the end and literally thought: "This one was only about three pages." But it was five and that's always a good sign when they read quickly. Not much more to say other than this is best script I've read so far this month and it's my second "Excellent".

Thank you for entering. Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I really like the idea of a young man meeting the older version of himself at a critical crossroads of his life. But I did have a few issues with the execution of this story. For instance: The setup with the photo album felt awkward with lots of extraneous beats. There's no reason not to start the story with a close up of the photo book and with Patricia simply turning a page in the book while Roy steps on the gas. That way you get both the image of Patricia and Roy's past coupled immediately with their forging ahead with a new phase of their life.

A lot of the dialogue felt really on-the-nose. We don't need Roy to say "Dang it! A flat tire" because we see that there is a flat tire. Also the entire engine-smoking sequence felt unnecessary, except for the part where Roy's older self appears. You probably could have just combined the two episodes and had Roy's older self appear during the flat tire portion of the story. (A side note: if the engine is blown on their station wagon how much help can a mechanic be? Unless that mechanic sells them a car that actually runs. Just a thought.)

I really like this story concept but, as is, the script needs quite a bit of re-tooling imho.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Bumps Along the Way

I thought this script was pretty good. A family sets off to a new job and life in New York and encounters a few setbacks. Then, after a short pow wow with the man upstairs, Roy gets a visit from Future Roy who reassures him he is making the right choice.
The formatting and dialogue were very good.
The characters were a little bland.
I was wondering why you didn't bother to give the kids any names.

I liked your positive (almost spiritual) outlook , but what if Future Roy was driving alone and gave Young Roy a warning NOT to go to New York - eluding to a future tragedy.
Then Young Roy realizes he has to sacrifice his dreams and go back home in order to save his family. (Dang! I should have used that for the logline contest.)
Overall, I thought Bumps was GOOD.
Thanks for the nice read. Good luck.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Good structure with no spelling or grammar mistakes that I noticed. I like the storyline - even though I've seen it before. But it was a nice story with a nice ending. Good work and good luck.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A man leaves for New York with his family and has car trouble --

An "aw shucks" story with a few tweaks needed.

The line about Roy's resemblence to the old man is not needed. Delay the reveal until we see the picture book. And end the script there. There's a saying among sales people "Once you've made the sale, get the hell out the door."

I didn't buy into the picture book being the last thing left behind. She would be sitting with it in the car. That might be a better place to start.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is good for this story.
Craft - your craft is very good but why have a fade out with out a fade in?
Dialogue - the dialogue seems to be realistic and completely natural for these characters.
Action lines - your action lines are fine. They are clear and concise.
Story - I like the story but it sounds very familiar.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I rated this as good. I like that this is a tense moment in time that we get to watch. We swoop in at a critical moment in the family's life. What I wasn't sure about was what the old Roy and his wife were doing. I don't understand what they are supposed to represent, Roy's inner voice pushing him to move on? I'm not quite sure what to make out of the older couple.

Some of Roy's dialogue he says out loud to himself seemed a little forced to get information across to us. I wondered if they would discuss giving the father's food to two hungry kids they way they do. I would think that would be a no brainer.

I did like the moment of time you were buidling. The 70s vibe with the car, etc was cool too because it reminded me of my childhood.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Resembles Roy" I don't think that detail is necessary because we would just see an old man on screen.

"that indicated that isn't the conversation etc..." Just tell us what you mean, because that doesn't read smoothly. Just tell us something like "Roy stares at the man who appeared to come out of thin air." I'm not sure if "where did you come from?" is what Roy thought the conversation was supposed to be about, but that's what I got from the description. Either that or "Dad, where have you been all my life?" Sine he looks just like him.

Oh, modern Sedan meant a 2012 car. I thought you meant modern for its time.

This was nicely written for the most part. I wish there was more of a story here though. It seemed to have a beginning and an end, but really no middle.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This was very solid work, you can certainly write and structure, but it never transcended a certain normality.

The idea of a mysterious stranger putting someone back on track with some friendly optimistic advice is a tad trite, the fact that it's presumably a future Roy giving the advice does make things somewhat more original, but not original enough to provoke the uplifting feelings you intend.

Your writing is fine and very clear, I just think you need to find a less worn and more meaty story to tell. "Good", well done :)

Jo Gates (Level 3)

My first question was how did they miss the photo book in the packing? Roy is bringing it out of the house, and then they drive away with the (presumably packed) U-Haul. (There was also a moment of wonder that the kids were already asleep.)

The plot of visiting-his-past-self wasn't highly satisfying. Pointing the younger self toward a mechanic and saying "Don't give up" don't seem to be enough of a difference, although understated can be good (along the lines of Asimovian Technicians who fix events in the past so that time unfolds properly). If Roy were on the fence, considering backing out, rather than just praying that it all works out, apparently already set on the goal of the New York internship...the old man may have provided more of a turning point. Roy also sounded a bit older for "internship"; fresh starts throughout life make a good theme, though.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I like this.

It's simple, the theme fits for a five pager very well.
A bit too simple and no explanation/trigger for the miracle but it's okay. Actually, it's a bit melodramatic for my tastes. Although, it's still a good theme.
I really liked the dialog and the writing. I think it's nicely paced. The writing makes up for a smooth read.

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

Bumps Along the Way is a slice-of-life with a supernatural twist. The tension is ably built in the beginning of the story where a young family without great resources is setting out on a journey for better opportunities on a wing and a prayer.

Each time the car broke down my heart sank for these people, as you depicted such a true-to-life scenario in an emotional way.

The entrance of the Old Man, which seems to be a specter of Roy many years in the future, left me a little confused at first as no supernatural element was set up in the story from the beginning.

The Old Man's entrance was definitely a surprise, but his impromptu appearance gave me the sense that you had switched genres, from a straight drama to a supernatural thriller, without setting up Roy's need for such an element.

Often times a genre script is easily identified by a particular emotion (i.e. horror - fear, comedy - laughter, science fiction - awe and curiosity), and that particular emotion is escalated throughout the story.

As a suggestion -- please feel free to disregard it at will -- perhaps you could show Roy rubbing an old talisman, or a religious item hanging from the rearview mirror in his car in the beginning. Or have Patricia suggest that they are in need of a clue or a "sign" that they will make it to their destination. This way we will know that such straight forward people could even believe in such things as premonitions or ghosts.

There are many imaginative ways to secrete elements of surprise and then reveal them, but readers don't like to backtrack and re-read when something confuses them, and audience members don't have the opportunity to.

So set up, set up, set up.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I like this. it's an effective and inspiring story and works on a couple of levels.

My only real critique would be to perhaps expand this a bit and get a couple of more moments with everyone in the car, really show the transition from hopeful to anxious before the final blow up with the car; I think there might be a more effective way to SHOW us their dire straights finances rather than have him just spell it out to God, but have no idea what that might be.

other than that, it's a solid script and would make a great short film (and at that point I'd suggest cutting the two kids down to one and finding a backwoods single lane road, to make it easier to shoot!!!)

giving a very good

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a nice compelling story. I like how settled the change of events happened. This story has a nice flow and at the end you leave so many questions unanswered. This has a very nice cliffhanger.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A sentimental story. The 70s setting adds a nice visual touch. Particularly fond of the encounter that Roy has with himself as an Old Man. The photo book detail in "equally old and wrinkled" Patricia's hand is sweet.
Might fine-tune a bit. On the last page is two references to the Old Man slipping into his car when only one is necessary. Roy's exclamation, "Dang it! A flat tire," is shown in description when "Roy hoists a spare tire." Roy talks to himself while changing the tire since Pat has already rolled up the window. Might be better for him to talk to her instead.
Love the title. Catchy with its double-meaning and memorable.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This story reminds me of a series of commercials running in the US where young fathers meet future versions of themselves who encourage them to save for retirement. I'm not accusing you of stealing an idea, no!!! I'm saying that the idea of meeting a future myself would be interesting, if only for the encouragement of "You're on the right path" or "Time to change courses, son". In your story, Roy's mounting panic and frustration need that moment of quiet calming provided by the thought that he is doing the right thing.

The parallel use of "Let's go write the next chapter" was nice, even if a bit syrupy.

Although I do wonder how they're going to pay the mechanic. We've been told about their money troubles, even to the extent that they can't afford another sandwich.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Good title.

"This is small town USA. A rusty station wagon idles on the side of the road, a tiny U-haul trailer attached. ROY, an excited man in his early 30s, bounds from a house with an old photo book in his hands."

The location is '70s suburbs. You could drop the first sentence. You could also use "street" instead of "road." The first sounds rural. And using an exact number for a character's age takes less space than writing something vague out.

Use ALL CAPS when the man is introduced. That's when you should give him a name, too. Don't introduce a character twice.

I'm not crazy about the expository dialogue when Roy is talking to himself. You might want to try having him talk to Patricia instead. See what other reviewers say before you give my opinion any credence, though.

The formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You sold their desperation very well.

I like how you didn't say who the old man was, although it became clear that he was a future version of Roy. That's an interesting idea.

Very good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

This was a tough one because the theme is one that I have seen before (meeting ones older self along the way). because of that I think that the personalities or circumstances, the meat of the story before the twist, needs to stand out a bit more than they do here. Neither the husband or wife were quite well defined. The Husband seemed to shift between optimistic and frustrated pretty quickly.
I liked the use of the photo album as the visual connection between the future and present day wife.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was a nice little story. The characters seemed real. I liked Roy's enthusiasm.

My only criticism is that it seemed like it changed genres once the old man appeared. It went from kind of an after-schopol special type feel to like a twilight zone thing. That's not necessarily bad, just a bit jarring.

But jarring is certainly better than uneventful.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is nicely written with decent descriptions and characters and a sweet 'keep the faith' message.

It has no oomph for me, no zest or surprise, it's solid.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The dialogue needs work, too on the nose at times.

Overall it's a nice story. A couple going to NY for the internship. Looks like the old man is him from the future. At first I thought maybe it's God interfering (like in Bruce Almighty for example), but then you mentioned his old wife and the photo album.
A slice of life type of story.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
okay, bit of an awkward sentence, but could make sense during reading.

Pg 1:
Opens nice, then goes into cliche-territory real quickly. Flat tire? Really? Does the older boy need a name? The dialog even mentions the tire again.

Pg 2:
Alright, some more stakes. Bit too much focus on the switching of the tires, I still dont have a clear idea where we are going with this.

Pg 3:
More problems, on page three. There's an increased tension. Wonder how this going to end.

Pg 4:
Okay, so he sees a version of himself only older? Gets inspired by it.

Pg 5:
But i never felt like he was near giving up? Would feel more dramatic if he actually got helped out of the gutter, then just giving him a boost in a direction he was already going.

Overall, it's a nicely written short, but not a real story is there. Just them going away, him seeing a short vision. Wish it was a little more dramatic, because the potential is surely there.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

There’s always something wrong with the car, isn’t it?

No grammar or formatting errors I encountered.

A disheartened man’s patience is tested as he tries to get to New York, then an old man convinces him not to give up or lose his patience. I like the character development of the old man and Roy. Does this story take place in the 70s?

I would like to know more about the wife though. Maybe that will make the story a little stronger. Other than this, I have nothing else to say. I rate this as Excellent. I feel that there's something missing in the story, and I would like to know. Though Roy is a likeable Character, his wife seems passive, and adds nothing to the story.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This slice of life piece needed something to set it apart from the "It's a Wonderful Life" style setting. I could picture it and I felt like the characters were real but it didn't have me guessing at any point. Instead of having Roy talk to himself as he changes the tire - why not insert a stranger by the side of the road? Someone that maybe looks a little dangerous. It could be a character moment for Roy and keep the audience guessing as to which direction the story would turn. Like the title. Well suited.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This is a heart-warming tale, and you do build sympathy for hapless Roy in a very short span of time. But perhaps you give too much away when you introduce the old man, describing his resemblance to Roy.

From that point forward, we know who it is, and it seems curious that the old man just kind of screws Roy over and leaves. I mean, given who it is. Maybe he should slip him a little cash Roy doesn't notice until later, or some other sort of aid?

I realize five pages limits the amount of interaction you can give to Ray and the old man, but to me their interaction should have been more substantial -- not just asking questions to which he already knew the answer.

It was a breeze to read, however, and the final reveal was handled well. But I do think the old man could have been a stronger and more influential character.

Very Good

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like your characters and the setting of the script. I think the story needs more though. We see a slice of life, and a journey they are starting out on, and I'm assuming the old man is Roy at a later age. But the story doesn't really feel complete. It seems almost like the beginning scenes of a longer script and therefore feels unfinished.

I did like the writing though and I liked the feel of the story. You just need to expand it more.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

The dialouge was right on the nose. There is room for improvement with the dialouge in this one. It's a simple story with nothing much action to pull from this one. It's a inspirational trip where the lead has to go to great lengths to reach his goal... NEW YORK a better life and new opportunities.

There needs to be more struggle early on and often. The structure is fine but the descriptions could be trimmed down some.

I'm coming back to the story again, tweek it, add more visuals and good action and it'll serve this script better.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I was not a fan. In short a guy and his family break down on their way to NY. He gets some incoragement from his future self and continues on with what he was doing. It all sounds like an incompleet twilight zone episode. Needs reworked. Needs more at stake.it needs a better reason why such a paranormal event would ever take place. It can't just be because Roy is getting annoyed. I also had a few problems with the writing. Rather than say that his wife is a "church girl" explain how she looks. Rather than say "the kids are fussy" tell me what they are saying or how they're acting. Last I don't think Roy talking to himself while changing the tire works at all. Sorry that I'm such a downer!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was pretty good - and I liked it. It could have been much better - the twilight zone angle doesn't happen until page 4 and until that point, well not much happens & I'm not really feeling it. I'd ratchet up the tension between the couple & the kids, create more conflict - and do something in the beginning to set up the twilight zone twist in the beginning, like the old WIFE helps find the photo album in the house before they go.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Good descriptions. Dialogue a bit on the nose. The interaction between old and young Roy a bit too sappy/on the nose... but I still like this.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Interesting. I got an 'Up' vibe from the photo album. Maybe Roy should have more of a concrete obstacle. Of course the dude is going to get his car fixed, he's not going to stay on that highway forever. How exactly is the Old Man motivating him?

Comments Made After the Contest

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 2:32 AM

My favorite this month. I liked the characters and description and the clever way you told us that they made it New York.