Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

This was one of the better concepts. Logline wasn't great, but the idea worked. Could see the poster. The trailer. Interesting idea.

Unfortunately the script didn't marry up and trying to address all the issues might take too long. And seems pointless since this is clearly the work of someone new to the craft.

Practice. Read scripts. Learn the craft.

It's a red flag when the writer doesn't capitalize characters upon introduction. Equally so when the age isn't included in character description. The dialogue is SO on the nose with little to know subtext. The characters don't seem genuine (particularly Principal).

Just too much to go into. It would take a book. The same kind of book that should be your very next purchase. Try Save The Cat by Blake Snyder.

On the plus side, there's potential here somewhere and the writer will improve over time, but right now, this isn't good enough- POOR

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

The last pages were exciting and hooked me. They made me want to read more. But the first scenes missed the mark at three levels:
1- No drama and no goal for characters. When The two soldiers chatted what was the goal of that character? Where is the drama in it. Yes you want to set up character, but you have to do it in an interesting way.

2- Setting up characters in your script didn't make them special. Why would I want to follow them into this overgrowth predicament. Is he a badass? Is he kindhearted person with a wife waiting for him. What about the kids? What make them special? Why would I care for any of them is a good question too.

3- The dialogue is exposition most of the time. Make it witty, funny, crisp, short and to the point.

Good luck.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Some constructive criticism I hope helps:

This script can be tightened up a bit. That would improve it.

You start with "A man, Jones, ...". You can write that as, "Jones, 30s ..." and also add a short description that sells the role to a potential actor.

"A man" joins him, first dialogue section he's called Mike.

First occurrences of a character name should be capitalized.

The entire first page doesn't really do anything. It meanders a bit, two guys talking. There is no characterization, the story isn't pushed forward, no plot point. You can scrap it entirely and show the boat landing on a dock and the two guys going on shore leave for example. You need to make it memorably, to hook me in.

Page two is a new scene introducing two different characters. I didn't see the link and was pulled out of the story, trying to figure out if this was a flashback or not.

Also in scene two you can scrap a lot. Arrive at a scene late, leave early. It tightens your story and picks up the pace and keeps your audience at the tip of their chairs. For example, you could have started the second scene with Max sitting quietly at the principals office. The other kid with the ice pack. We can figure out they had gotten into a fight. The precise details probably don't matter?

The dialogue feels unrealistic: Max: "Thank you sir." Principal: "Don't mention it Max." The principal should be angry and stern, Max timid, a child who doesn't know how to express himself with words yet.

Also, in that scene, Max and the Principal connect. This would have been an excellent opportunity for a disconnect, for conflict.

It might be a good idea to have a look at existing natural disaster stories and to see how they are structured. These films do introduce the characters but usually in a colorful way, showing things likable characters need to fix in their lives for example so we're rooting for things to improve in their lives. Next to that the film often shows that something bad is about to happen, putting these characters in harm's way, foreboding the disaster. We know about it but the characters don't yet. Dramatic irony. It builds tension, the audience keeps watching.

Last page has some action paragraphs that were too long. You have no title. I suspect you rushed to meet the deadline :-)

Now for the good: I love disaster movies like these! I think you have a great premise, a New York city that transforms into a dense jungle. Your writing is great.

I'm giving this a FAIR because the script is not very tight yet. However, this is just a first draft and I like the premise and it is clear you can write. I hope you will tighten it up quite a bit.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

No title on the title page.

Pg 1: Introduce Jones in caps. Can you tell us anything about him? Age? Visual characteristics?

Pg 1: The dialogue between Mike and Jones lacks conflict. It's just banter between two friends so as to set up the exposition.

Pg 2: Give the kid a name. "Kid" is too generic.

Pg 2: Use active tense. "Max is reading a book" becomes "Max reads a book".

Pg 2: "Give me it back" Typo.

Pg 3: "Max smiles a little, obviously relieved." Delete "obviously relieved". Max's smile tells us all we need.

Pg 4: "Freddie says "Josh" as if he is some alien specimen." Delete this line. The director and actor will determine the line's delivery.

Pg 5: Who's "Eddie"? Did you change the name of Freddie at one point?

Pg 6: Now would be a good time to cut back to Jones and Mike. Don't let us forget about them.

Pg 6: Your montage is improperly formatted. There are several ways to format, but let us know when it ends. Here's an example:

BEGIN MONTAGE
-- Max and Eddie do this.
-- Max and Eddie do that.
END MONTAGE

Page 8: Tell us that Jones is in the squad that runs alongside the Captain.

Page 10: Keep your action paragraphs to four lines or less.

You have some format errors and typos but that's easily corrected.

Your pacing could tighten up. The Sidewalk scene on pages 3-4 can be deleted. Some of your action paragraphs can be written to 3 or 4 lines.

Your biggest challenge is your characters. None of them stand out. Give them a personality. Some likeable dialogue or funny behavior.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I liked:

I liked the scene involving Max and the kid -- I learn a lot about Max in that short scene.
Heck, I even liked the scene between Max and the Principal.
You set-up Max's character nicely in those first two scenes.

Things I'm unclear:

Where does Eddie come from? And what happened to Freddie?

Things I didn't like:

The opening scene with Jones could use some work.
You never gave us an age of anybody -- is it important? Yes, because there's a big difference between 6 and 12, both are considered young boys..
I'm sensing Freddie and Eddie are the same character, but they read so much different.
The attack came out of nowhere -- it's as if you remembered that you needed an antagonist.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think this has great potential. One thing that slightly bothered me was the complete lack of link between the two threads of stories...the military and the young boys.

Here are the technical notes I wrote as I read:

Please capitalise characters when they first appear.

PRINCIPAL'S office not PRINCIPLES

Your montage isn't correctly formatted - look at David Trottier's Screenwriters Bible.

Sounds good not sound's

Quite a dramatic ending which is compelling, making me want to learn what next.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I love this logline, definitely one of my favorites and I'm really looking forward to the ten pages.

Now for the ten pages. As I already said, I dig the story, but I think the ten pages are still a bit rough around the edges. I would suggest starting with the boys. They feel far more real and interesting anyway. Let them discover the soldier in the journey to survive. If you do want to start with the soldier you need to find a more visual way to introduce him with way less exposition.

I am still very intrigued by your story and I think it could be really great with a small rewrite.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The logline is very cool. The first 10 pages takes a while to get to the story but fine you have a triggering event toward the end. The dialogue strikes me as pretty realistic so good job there. There is some funny stuff but I wasn't alaways clear on how it related to the story. There was some blocky exposition that could probably be wittled down. Good luck.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

I think your story points are there, the writing needs some work. The action descriptions are redundant as a lot is said in the slug line. Some of the dialogue is redundant and frankly on the nose (Characters saying exactly what they are thinking). So are there two different characters? Freddie and Eddie. I think that's a typo. This feels like a really rough draft.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

For the longest time, I was thinking-- "what was that logline about again?" and then there is the sound of a large explosion. ON PAGE SEVEN.

The story doesn't start until the explosion. The scenes before then are wasted-- nothing insightful into situation or the main characters that couldn't be told later.

DIALECT
--Ya. That's a very authentic way of saying yes (makes me think of da'bears and ya, dontcha know). Drop it. It doesn't fit with the way you've written the bulk of the dialogue. You want to write in the accent-- speak the whole line that accent; no half doing it (no good with accents-- then call for it up top with the character description).

GLITCHES
--CAPS characters when we first meet them.
--Eddie/Freddie name change

Writing Action. I hate large paragraphs in scripts.
--First, the language is condensed so it's usually in incomplete/poor grammar strings that make them hard to read and understand.
--Second, there's too much fat (extra details and extra touches) than if the same sentences were chopped up and left on their own.
--Third, they're not cinematic-- when a viewer takes in a scene, (especially high-action scenes) we get an impression from the image before the next thing happens and that moment in the scene has moved on. The script doesn't read true. On film this sequence is going to go fast-- but as a read it's slow.

To help segment it up; give every development a NEW LINE (even if it's only a couple of words long).

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: Two, seemingly, unrelated story lines juxtaposed in "Overgrowth" make this a tough read. Not sure how you're going to "stitch" them together. Opening scene was hardly compelling and didn't add anything to your drama. If the "card" that JONES/MIKE (it's never really clear who is holding the card) holds, then OPEN ON THAT! The chitty-chat dialog they engage in is "on the nose" and boring. The "attack" seemed inserted way too early and should have been your page 10 event. Really didn't get any backstory in the first ten pages or a sense of who you protagonist is.

WRITING: Here's where I have the most problems with the screenplay. The obvious is the number of bloated paragraphs. At least 3! What makes this counterproductive is that the best "action" screenplays are meant to be read quickly -- down the page -- and the active voice. Having that amount of description blocks in 9.5 pages is a read flag to most readers because it guaranteed that there will me many more to come. That dovetails into my next "red flag." Too much passive writing for an "action" genre film. "Max is reading a book." should be "Max reads a book." "The principal IS quiet..." If the principal isn't delivering any lines of dialog, THEN HE IS QUIET. You never need to tell us someone isn't talking, we can figure that out. "An ice-pack IS HELD firm(ly) to his swollen face." Better: The principal points to the kid holding an ice-pack to his face. "The place IS littered with Chinese takeout boxes and trash." Better: Chinese takeout boxes litter the trashy apartment. "Max IS standing by the window looking out..." Better: Max STANDS by the window looking out at the skyline. Other problems: ALRIGHT should be All right. Be consistent with your abbreviations. You have a "tv" a "TV" and a "T.V." Finally, WAY TOO MANY ADVERBS. A subset of that is the use of "obviously." Nothing is a bigger waste of type-space than telling the reader something is "obviously" this or "obviously" that. Your job as a writer is to make it obvious to the reader through your writing.

OVERALL: The dialog was too "chitty chat" and on the nose to be taken seriously. The two main story threads were meandered and lacked a sense of urgency or dramatic tension. "Overgrowth" could be a decently compelling story with major rewrite.

David M Troop (Level 4)

First of all, congrats on getting to the second round.

Overall, your first ten pages read like a typical "disaster movie" such as 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow. You introduce some likeable characters, give us some cute dialogue, then BAM - the diaster presents itself. Not that there's anything wrong with that, other than it's a standard formula. Nothing sets it apart from the norm other than the diaster of the month.

So, you really have to give us characters we care about and a really interesting and different disaster.

Turning NYC into a dense jungle is pretty interesting. But is it a disaster?
Sure, too many trees on Broadway will cause major traffic problems, but it will greatly improve the quality of the air. Plus, tree houses will finally give the homeless a place to call their own.

I like that you're putting a new spin on the genre. Usually, the disaster threatens mankind and the Earth (floods, freezing temps, earthquakes), but your movie actually gives the planet new hope for survival.

The characters are pretty bland so far. You try to make the boys likeable, however the scene in the apartment (the montage) makes them seem like idiots. These two have to show signs of intelligence in order for the audience to want them to survive.
That leaves Jones. So far, Jones, is very one demensional. I can't tell him apart from Mike. I can only assume that Jones is the protagonist here. So, the kids should be smarter and the hero should be heroic.

Your action scenes are not bad. I like how you got to the disaster in the first ten pages and didn't make us wait through thirty pages of scientists predicting the disaster before it happens. Kudos for that.
The helicopters flying through Manhattan crashing into huge trees is pretty cool.
I can see the CGI shots in my head and they are awesome.

The biggest problem here (and may be the downfall) is the formatting.
Unfortunately, these ten pages are the first and only impression we have of you as a writer. I'm sure other reviewers will point these mistakes out in detail.
There are some basic ones that will offend.
You need to put the character's name in CAPS when you introduce them for the first time.
The title page states your script's title is not Overgrowth, but actually UNTITLED SCREENPLAY.
You need to describe your characters. Give us an age, a hair color, facial feature, etc. Something to set them apart from each other.
No name switching! Freddie mysteriously becomes Eddie on pages 5-10. This only works if Freddie has multiple personalities.
Also, there are some grammar and spelling issues and typos. Re-read! Have someone else read it before submitting.

It's not a terible idea. Obviously you have made it into the second round.
But only ten will advance from this point. I don't want to sound like Simon Cowell, but you have to bring us your A game.

Best of luck to you.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I want to write like you when I grow up.

This is wonderful writing, and I'm more than jealous because I can tell this was a quick last minute effort because of two things 1) you didn't go to the bottom of page 10, and 2.) you changed Freddie to Eddie half way through. (I like Freddie better.)

You have introduced your characters wonderfully, and laid out the story that's about to happen. While reading, I am seeing the movie - if you can maintain this strong writing throughout the whole script, this could absolutely go somewhere.

Now that you know I love this, here are some hopefully helpful critiques:

GOOD: Pacing and the action are pretty damn perfect. The scenes with the kids tell us a lot about the kids so they are already familiar.

NOT SO GOOD: Scenes with Jones are a little muddled. What's the card he's holding on page one? Seems I'd know more if I knew that. Also the dialogue throughout needs to be trimmed. The kid's dialogue is pretty close to there, but every scene with the military has too much extraneous language. You can probably fix a lot of it with your second read.

Also - in the first scene with Max pummeling the other kid, you've got to pull back. In reality, no matter how much we feel sorry for Max, if a kid needs an ice-pack for his swollen face, parents (and probably police) WILL be called. Have Max freak out and jump on the kid and be hard to pull off, but don't have actual physical damage. Few people will buy the mild reaction from the principal and you'll lose them early.

Bottom line? This is damn good. Keep working on it and don't wait until the last minute next time. :)

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

When characters are first introduced, they need to be capitalized. Also there was no description or age given. That makes it real confusing for the reader. Is he 20? Or is he 50? On the first page a guy named Mike starts talking, but he was never even introduced.

Now you're referring to Mike in description lines as Mikey... so confused.

On page 5 there's a typo in the character's name for dialog... EDDIE is there instead of FREDDIE. And then you continue to refer to him as Eddie the rest of the script.

Page 8... the word "know" is missing from Capt. Lewis dialog

Page 10.. "they comes across".... should be "come"

I liked this idea a lot, but I don't think I would read further. The dialog is pretty generic and it's really hard to ignore all the errors. It makes me lose faith in the writer. This is a toss up for me... love the idea and would like to see where it goes, but I think many of the other submissions this month displayed better writing.

Good luck!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I read through your pages:

This is a very cool concept. Great title too. Looking forward to this…

Immediately some formatting missing with the introduction of Jones (and the lack of introduction for Mike). I’m not a format nickpicker, but this is what the lack of formatting tells me right off the bat: this is your first screenplay. Line 2 and I’m questioning your ability to successfully pull off a feature. That’s not good. I know that’s harsh, but that’s how important little formatting things like that can be.

These are interesting scenes for setting up Max’s character. I like them. Are they “first ten pages” scenes? I’m not sure. You really need to go balls out this early in your script, especially when your script promises something of an action movie. We need to see the catastrophe looming from the very beginning. So far, there isn’t a ton of GLOBAL tension…simply the tension between a boy and his difficult life…which is good, but maybe can wait a little until you set the hook.

Did that boy’s name just change from Freddie to Eddie? I think it did.

REALLY cool visual with the green fleck hitting the plant on the balcony and making it grow like crazy. This is what I’m talking about! This is “first ten pages” action right here!

I still think this is a very cool concept…but I just think these first ten could be much more engaging. Remember, if someone requests this script it’s because they want to see a terrorist attack and New York getting ravaged. Deliver that. Ask yourself what you can do to compress the scenes with Max, and get more action content in.

Good luck!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

On a whole, I like your action sequences. The greatest strength seems to be the warm, comical relationship between the two young boys. The Alien costume scene, though short, struck me as funny and charming. "The destruction of your planet will commence on four of your Earth days." (And I'm sure you put this in as a precursor of the horror to come.)

The greatest weakness in my opinion is that the militaristic dialogue and banter between Mike, Jones and Capt. Lewis feels unrealistic and off pitch.

I'd also suggest that you minimize the length of your sentences. Listen to other movies as you watch them. Sentences are almost always short - to the point - meaningful.

For example - you wrote. "Why does he always have to be so mean? I haven't done anything to him." Say that sentence out loud to yourself. Then read - "Why's he always so mean?" Read that out loud. Which one would you say to a friend?

Hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
A view of the city prior to attack would be helpful. The fight between the boys seems to be forced.

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
The lure of this one is concrete jungle turned jungle. Story is set up to deliver.

OTHER:
No formal introduction of characters. Are Freddie and Eddie the same person?

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"untitled screenplay" - Isn't it called Overgrowth? Must have forgotten, huh?

"ya" - It's "yeah"

1 - You called him Mikey in action.

1 - max ignores him - Add a period at the end.

1 - "Give me it back" - Give it back to me. -- I'm going to assume English isn't your first language.

"and on that note" - Cut it.

2 - Principal'S office.

2 - "The kid from earlier - Just give him a name.

2 - "the two boys" - What two boys? Who is Freddie?

4 - "Stop by home" - "Stop by the house"

You changed Freddie's name to Eddie.

8 - "we don't KNOW what this is"

You want to put a space between "Pilot" and "1, 2, and 3"

10 - They COME across more trees.

Cool story, but you have to read more screenplays. The dialogue needed to sound more realistic, and the actions needed to read more smooth.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Cool concept for an action movie with a lot of boy bonding.

My favorite part is at the very end with the biological attack on the fighter planes.

Nice job on the montage between Max and Eddie. Nice transition between the damaged grandfather clock and the first sign of real trouble.

Technically: On the very first page, you neglect to tell us about Mike and Jones including their ages and descriptions. When you introduce a character, you must write a little descriptive sentence about the character with their names in all upper-case. On page two, same thing in regards to Max and the Kid. As I read through, for all the characters are missing this formatting.

Good luck and keep on writing!

Kirk White (Level 5)

Really quick…did the character of Freddie become Eddie or am I just missing something?

I don’t want to be discouraging but I think this script, while having a great premise and a ton of potential, need significant revisions before it’s ready to move on to the next level.

I can feel there is a lot of heart going on and really can see the character arcs with Jones (I hope you have intended him to be the hero) and Max. Max as a character has a lot of growth ahead of him and you’ve set the situation up quite nicely to that effect.

However, your dialogue is holding your story back. It seems very much “on the nose” and not much subtlety or subtext going on. Also folks seem to talk in long monologues (can’t believe I’m saying this….long monologues are my bread and butter!) which feel more “dialog-y” rather than “people talking-y” and this serves as a severe hindrance to your script. My advice would be, now that you’ve articulated exactly what they are thinking, go back and rewrite all the dialogue and focus on saying anything BUT what they are thinking. People hide their feelings behind their words…find the moments where the truth peaks out from the cracks and you’ll have some DRAMA there!

I’m giving this a fair: I think you have a solid story and compelling characters but need to work on the VOICE of the piece.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific action once the explosion hits the city and everyone gets airborne. The story idea is a good one.
The characters could use some distinction. It's easier to keep track of so many males if their names are capitalized when they first appear. Perhaps include some physical description and a hint about their personalities.
The dialogue needs condensing. There is a lot of chit-chat between Mike and Jones in the first scene. Determine the essential reason for the scene and omit what doesn't contribute. After Max and Freddie/Eddie leave school, they too engage in conversations that don't seem real important to what's happening.
Believe there should be a new scene heading once the "soldiers run to helicopters and fighter jets"; these guys are no longer on the carrier. Some of their technical jargon could be trimmed to just what's important to the scene.
Would probably be expensive to include all the air power, but the mental pictures are quite cool.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Early dialogue between Max and Principal and Mike and Jones feels like exposition. The dialogue between Dean and the kids feels a little more natural.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Lots of errors, and I haven't finished page one yet...

Always, always, always introduce a character with ALL CAPS, gender and age.

Drop the repeated use of "man" in Mike's dialogue. Is he supposed to be a street kid or gang member? If he is, he's still saying "man" too often. Always watch for repeated words when you write. They detract unless they're specific to a character's character, and I don't think that's the case here. These are just two navy guys, right?

Their opening dialogue makes no sense to me. What's beautiful? The ship or the skyline? Has it been three years since they've seen each other, or three years at sea?

When you change the name used for a character in your writing, it should be specific to another character's dialogue. For instance - I have a character in a feature that I introduce as "BENJAMIN "BEAR" TAGLIN." Only one character addresses him as Benjamin, and it's important in establishing the relationship of that character with him and the people with him... An authority figure.

In short, be consistent with how you as a writer refer to your characters. Other characters can refer to them in different ways, but it should be integral to the story, and you should lay the groundwork for that in the way you introduce them to the reader.

Turn off the MOREs and CONTINUED feature of your writing program. It eats up white space you can't afford here. Tighten things up and make every word count.

Everyone has the same voice. Everyone speaks with the same cadence and inflection. Characters need to be distinct and individual. Mix up the personalities. One character type spread through multiple characters gets old very fast.

Study up on the proper use of commas.

Bottom of page three - What two boys? And "They pass a box of candy back and forth." What does that mean? It makes NO SENSE at all! Are they walking back and forth near a box of candy or sharing?

Introduce a character BEFORE they start talking. Who is DEAN? Who's Freddie?

This is so hard to follow...

When you introduce a character, you need to state, at minimum, their name in ALL CAPS, their specific age, and their gender if their name could go either way.

Your main characters need to be unique and individual. They need to fit a type without being a stereo-type.

Dialogue should add to the story, not carry it. And every word needs to MEAN SOMETHING to the story.

Map this story out better before you do a rewrite . There's way too much fill-in writing and not enough story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like the idea of seeing this kind of apocalypse through the eyes of two children, and I think you really capture that quality here, with them playing at the moment of the explosion.

When you introduce Jones, Mike and your other characters, you should really capitalize their names and describe them a bit (you don't even tell us the other man is Mike at the start) so we know who/what we're looking at .

Also, I know you're trying to get across as much information as possible in a short space, but you could make the exposition at the start less obvious. For example, cutting lines like "Three whole years man', or "You know my family is open to you any time man" will make their relationship and history more ambiguous and more interesting to watch unfold through the rest of the script. (The best example of this is in Casablanca, when Rick says "I came to Casablanca for the waters", Renault replies "We're in the desert", and Rick says "I was misinformed." It's the perfect mysterious character introduction.) It might be even better for the marooned soldier to not have any introduction before he meets the boys, because they're far more interesting.

Across pages 8 and 9 you repeat the same information (it's a terrorist attack with biological weapons) twice.

This is a really good idea, I think you just need to streamline focus on the two kids, because the military side is less interesting and has been done. I think this will also give the threat of the jungle more power, because the rational explanation (just a terrorist attack, something that can be survived) won't be available to them. They might even think the whole world has been attacked in such a way.

Good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Men standing on an aircraft carrier - are they sailors, soldiers, suits? You need to paint a clearer picture. Also the skyline - how does it look? Normal? Contemporary? I get it as I read on but i shouldn't be guessing what I'm looking at on page one.

The opening exchange between Mike and Jones could be stronger. It feels trite and unnatural. There's no real intrigue or conflict in this opening scene. You need to start the story with a bang.

I like Dean's entrance. He feels like the first character with a unique voice. He makes a strong first impression.

I like the scene with Max and Eddie in the build up to the attack.

The military dialogue sounds authentic, if a little emotive.

I think my biggest problem with this is that the premise feels stale and there's nothing in these pages that suggests this is something new.

It's well written aside from some clunky dialogue but it feels like a by the numbers sci-fi action movie, at least so far.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - Not really.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - Without any character descriptions and a limited amount that's revealed in the dialogue, I don't have a good sense of your characters. What motivates them? What qualities do they have that will help them overcome the obstacles presented in the script? Jones is presented almost as a loner. I'm guessing he has to deliver news of a fellow soldier's death based on the comment that he's carrying a card and Mike says he'll go along with him. But if they've been at sea for three years, this scenario seems very odd. The same holds true for Max and Freddie. What have we learned about them in the opening pages that will give us a clue they have the skills necessary to overcome the bizarre situation that's developing? I'm not sure.

Writing style - This story feels too loose to me. There's a lot of dialogue and description that doesn't feel necessary for the story. There's also no character description.

The dialogue doesn't strike me as very natural. I think page 1 could be trimmed by about half and should give us more insight into Jones. The classroom scene is decently done and believable, but you follow that with the principal scene that I find utterly unbelievable. Regardless of Max's past behavior, no principal would simply overlook a fight in a classroom. The apartment scenes are ok. Then you end with the military aspect and you really lose me on the dialogue there. A lot of repetitious stuff. It seems like you're trying to be technical but just guessing at what the dialogue might sound like.

Craft - All caps when you introduce characters. Keep verbs in the present tense - "reads" not "is reading". Some of your action lines tell us things we can't see - "...but the line is dead"; "They really start to freak out". Describe what we're seeing that explains explains what's happening.

Do I want to read more - The descriptions as the helicopters come into the city is done fairly well. I'd suggest you break up the blocks of action lines to make the pace read faster. Keep the descriptions short and rapid fire. Keep the verb tenses in the present. I'm not drawn into this story yet because too much of it feels so unnatural, and I'm not emotionally concerned about any of your characters yet.

Non-Scoring items - Read some of your dialogue lines aloud or have someone read them to you. This should help to get a more natural feeling.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I think this is a cleve idea and you have a great start here. I really don't see much to complain about. With the exception that I think Freddie turned to Eddie part way through. That and I think you should throw some female characters into the mix. I would think you'd be doing that eventually but figured I'd throw it out there.

Good luck with advancing to the next step.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Great opening and what a cliffhanger to end on!!

I like this a lot, the boys are great but please give them an age, they could be anything between 7-13, I get the feeling they're about twelve but and age helps anchor the image of them in one's head.

I don't have such a strong handle on Jones and Mike yet and I'm unsure who will be the one the lads team up with.

the description of the vegetation taking hold is very well done and hugely visual, it's a great idea.

quite a lot of typos throughout with Freddie becoming Eddie (I prefer Freddie) and you're/your issues and principal/principle among others.

It's a good start and I'm really keen to read more.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Untitled screenplay?
When you introduce the characters you cap their name.
How old is Max? How old are all of your characters??
The Principal is suspiciously kind, doesn't seem natural.
The dialog is too on-the-nose at times.
You have a lot of formatting errors, doesn't seem like you've read a screenplay format before.
Dean seems very unnatural.
You have Freddie, then on p.5 he turns into Eddie!
Your logline is very interesting, but seems like first half of the pages is irrelevant, I even wondered if the story is at all matching the logline.
I think you've got diamond in the rough, you just need to do the right formatting (I recommend to buy a screenwriting book to learn the basics), the dialog needs work, it doesn't sound natural, too blunt.
Otherwise, it's a good story. You just need to work on the writing skills. Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I was really looking forward to this one: the trapped-in-a-bottle scenario, and a race to the top of a suddenly defunct skyscraper, our heroes fighting their way to the top.

Unfortunately, the execution needs a bit of an overhaul. Characters are barely described or sometimes not at all. This could work with an extremely streamlined style, but here it gets confusing. I have to assume for the first scene that these two guys are in the Navy (they're on an aircraft carrier) but it could have been more interesting than that - a stowaway or a civilian. But I've got nothing to go on, so I can't tell, except slowly coming to conclusions through context.

The two boys are even more of a mess. You say "young" but I can't tell if they're first graders or eighth graders. At one point Freddie becomes Eddie, and I think some of their dialogue is swapped. I like Max's dilemma with his stepfather, but beyond that, I can't get a handle on him. The principal is unbelievably weak-spined, and it's hard to understand why he allows Fredie to plaster himself against his office window.

The inciting incident of the biological attack happens with no warning, and it's very abrupt. The naval attack on the growing plants is probably the best part of the whole piece, but it feels like you rushed right past any rationale or even reaction by characters to the event and jumped right to the firefight.

It needs a lot of work, but the core concept is very, very good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - You could put the title on this.

The first page sets up a mystery element.

Pg 2 - I’ve noticed that this is the “tight” format. The more times I see this done, the more irritating it becomes. You’ve got most of an extra page out of it here.

Pg 4 - It’s good that we are seeing the normal lives of these kids.

Pg 7 - I had forgotten what this movie is going to be about, so perhaps the drama build up to what happens is a little slow.

Pg 10 - I really like this investigation scene. I wonder if a shortened in the city intro followed by this scene would make a cleaner kick off for this story.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

The logline could use some tightening. Four lines and three sentences is too wordy. I think you can shorten this to: Biological attacks in Manhattan transform the island into a dense and wild jungle. Two young boys and a marooned soldier discover the only way out is up - the Empire State Building. I think the last sentence of the logline is extraneous. Since the city suffers from biological attacks, one can assume it's a dangerous situation.

No introduction for Max on the first page. Freddie has no introduction either.

Is Eddie the same as Freddie?

pg 8 We don't what this is and what it can do. I think this line is missing "know."

On page 10, the action lines seem too long. It could use some trimming and better use of white space.

Although there is formatting issues, I'd read on based on the first 10 pages. The two protagonists are introduced. Lots of action near the end of the 10 pages.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

While I totally dug the concept, I felt the execution could use some polishing. The dialogue was very "talking head"-like and a lot of grammar laws were broken or skipped along the way. If you're going to use an aircraft carrier, do some research and use a real one. Why is it pulling into New York? Fleet Week, I presume...but why would they be lingering off the coast like that? Old rule is if someone throws a snowball in your story, there better be snow on the ground. Meaning that everything that happens needs to logically be explained. We have no idea why this carrier is off the coast, so we have no interest in the characters because we don't know what they're even doing. I can also tell that you did very little research into carriers. We're writers! We have to know what we're talking about when we start scribbling something down or all credibility is lost when someone comes along and says, "That's not right." Aircraft carriers in general need 30 knots of headwind across the flight deck (not surface) when launching aircraft. You can't launch aircraft while idly sitting in off the coast of NYC. So research - research - research!

Most of my critique is dialogue based. I'm a character actor, thus I love to read and write characters that are as real as possible. We have no outlet to infer who these character's are, other than dialogue, so each person has to be unique. Even twins don't share the same speech patterns. It's all about bringing out the reality of the characters to flesh out the world you're creating. All in all, your characters seemed like they could be the same person in most cases. Like I said, just talking heads. I like to just listen to people around me and pull their personalities apart and then build my characters using the people around me like Legos. Everyone has their own method, but there is no better source for material than real life.

On the whole, I think you should sit down with the scripts to some of your favorite movies and read them over and over. See how they're written and how the world is fleshed out. Then you'll begin to pick apart the ease in creation.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

You'll probably get this in the feedback from the other members too, but I'll say it too. You really need to INTRODUCE your characters via format in a script the first time we see them.

It avoids confusion, tells me you're familiar with screenplay writing and gives me a clearer and instant snapshot of what they look like, age, race, physical traits...

If you avoided those basics, for reasons which you probably might even justifiably support, you still end up making me apprehensive about reading a full-length screenplay, which might have many such niggles and take me out of the story.

Also, a simple typo like Freddie turning into Eddie, gets confusing and though you really wanted to get this in before deadline and rushed it, is the reason, you still have to at least give your work a once-over to proof it.

***

You need to have a memorable and powerful visual to begin your film, and what I got was two soldiers shooting the breeze, then a young boy who is having social problems at school because of an abusive step-dad and so he hangs out with his best pal.

The attack happens too late and unrealistically fast, at least in the movie's world.

Either have a scene establishing the sequence of attack, or have your characters face it in some way rather than just be initial spectators. Build up to the attack.

Have the Prinicpal hear some disturbing news and send all kids home early and Max is saved from being scolded.

Your dialogs are not motivated enough towards the plot or character development and usually say or describe what is happening. Keep it brief and supply additional, new info via dialog.

This needs a bit of work I'm afraid, and some of it in the outline stage. The premise is intriguing but the motive and scale lacking. I say do begin with the attack.

All the best!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a really good idea for a movie. A really, really good idea. However, your first ten pages haven't hooked me like they should. I think the reason is threefold: 1) so far your screenplay is a little too dialogue-heavy, and 2) your dialogue seems (to me) very unnatural, and 3) you have established a lot of cliched relationships.

First, too much dialogue. The great screenwriter William Goldman, in his book "Which Lie Did I Tell?" says this: "Because most critics and media writers still think screenplays are dialogue, I don't care how often I tell you this -- dialogue is one of the least important parts of any flick." This goes hand-in-hand with the old writing adage "Show, don't tell," or as David Trottier says in "The Screenwriter's Bible," "Never tell what you can show. Be as visual as possible." In these first ten pages, it seems like you're telling us almost everything. Less dialogue and more visual stuff would be better.

Second: unnatural, on-the-nose dialogue. The sailors' (Mike and Jones) dialogue is all on-the-nose. The principal's dialogue is on-the-nose. The dialogue between Max and Freddie/Eddie (his name changes) is on-the-nose. I think you've got the gist of what these people say to each other just right, but the actual dialogue just isn't natural. Writing good dialogue is hard. If you know it's not your strong suit you should find someone to help you out with it (or at least critique it for you).

Third: cliched relationships. The kid whose Mom has died, sobbing when he finds the locket, getting in fights at school when the bully reads his Mom's birthday message in his book, the boorish step-dad. These are all cliches, and they're overdone in movies. Why not go for something fresh?

Anyway, I think you have a terrific idea for a movie -- a mysterious biological attack that turns Manhattan into a jungle. This could be a summer blockbuster! Really.

But a great story's not enough. I think you need to address some of the things that drag the screenplay down.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2012 12:20 AM

I'm really shocked this didn't move on. You really know what you're doing, and if this a story you enjoy, you should definitely finish it. I though this was top quality.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 4:59 AM

I really liked this Alex, I hope you keep writing it, I think when the soldier meets the kids and you really get into the heart of the story it will open into a great survival story. I offer myself as a reader if you finish it.