Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Hard one this (pun totally intended)

On the one hand, it's exceptionally well written. On the other hand, it's borderline Lynchian with it's surreal approach. I'm just not sure what to make of it.

I think my fundimental problem with this is the tonal inconsistency. At times it plays solid, straight (pun not intended that time) and emotional. At other times, playful, comedic and borderline offensive. Maybe that's the intention.

But, I'm sorry, you can't have Haydee lying awake as Alpheus masturbates without her. It's a heartbreaking sort of scene where she knows she's losing him and he pretending he's something he's not. These kind of sexual preference confusion tropes/narratives and the complex relationship dynamics that unfold are absolutely ripe for emotionally charged scripts.

But then you cheapen it with obvious (and not a million miles from offensive) gay stereotype sight gags. This is where you strike a criminal tonal inconsistency. His father doesn't remember him anymore. Whoops I dropped the soap. My wife is deeply saddened because she knows what I'm denying to myself. WAY-HAY!!! A sausage on a fork looks just like a floppy C**k. It's almost at odds with itself tonally.

The other problem is Alpheus doesn't speak until page 10. Tough TOUGH sell that. So in order to compensate, everyone else has to talk in interrupted monologue. Which makes for a strange read and also for odd speech patterns and cadences. I have no idea what Beatrice is wittering on about (actually that's a lie since I've researched Mythology for another project, but your average non-writer movie goer/reader probably won't have a clue).

So, whilst I hugely respect the attempt, I give kudos to going for this kind of subject matter and it's excellently written, I have to give this just a GOOD. It's just too out there and too conflicted. Much like Alpheus. Torn between two lives :)

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

You craft is good. I like the fact that you are a lean writer, and not trying to be pretentious with words choice. However:

Too much sex to my taste:
I go easy on the reader if I were you. Introduce him slowly into the erotic world of your story. Don't just shove him in.

Set up is missing:
The logline already refer to cottaging, but even so you should start with a straight character, then surprise the reader with his real sexual orientation. It's better this way because his habits are secrets, not public, so a proper way to introduce it is by showing his fake identity first as a straight man.

The goal:
I have read the ten pages and I have no clue what's the goal of your character. What does he want? How is he pursuing it. You can't just spent the first ten showing us he's regular life. What's the event that happens to make this story worth telling?

You dialogue was good, not much advice needed. The voice over at the beginning is a risky choice if you ask me.

I connected to the character, but I couldn't find any story to connect to.

Best of luck

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title isn't really what the story is about I think. The first ten pages make it all feel like an artily done homo-erotic thriller with beautiful chiseled Roman and Greek statues for characters. It might be an idea to pick a title that sends that message also. I am guessing you are going for a gay audience who probably might not like it if their love was called unnatural. The first ten pages feel restrained, classy, stylish and the title does not match that, I feel.

You certainly plunge us right into the middle of the "action"! Very stylized and glamorous way of portraying sex in a toilet; a good looking Alpheus, Haydee's voice-over talks about Andy Warhol, framing our mind for art. What this does is it shows a sex scene but not in a sleazy way. Clever!

The first scene where Alpheus is cottaging, performing the deed with a stranger, he thinks of Haydee narrating about Andy Warhol. It has something detached about it and I'd imagine a situation like that would be about lust, guilty pleasure?

I had to read the name URBAN twice, didn't realize at first that it was a name, thought it was a description of a place.

Cool how you keep adding erotic elements; Haydee works at a gallery where they are building an exposition of erotic art. The wiggling sausage.

A homo-erotic tale.

Had to google Alpheus, like the reference to the river god who had links under the earth with other wells. This adds mythology, and adds to the arty feel to this erotic story.

Very cool how on page nine you describe paintings where the men are attractive and the women aren't. Shows us a bit how maybe Alpheus sees the world.

Love how on pages nine and ten Haydee is describing the erotic exhibit, but she could just as well have been talking about these first ten pages.

"A single painting when viewed alone
might cause one to feel revulsion or excitement based upon on the depiction. However, in this context, a gallery full of erotic paintings, one is more concerned about the content than the act itself."

Nice self-reference! You are pre-empting criticism on the content of your script.

Very good cliffhanger at the end! Now we know Urban and Haydee work together, Haydee knows everything but Alpheus doesn't know she knows, good dramatic irony, and we don't know what Urban and Haydee are planning! It feels like a sudden turn from erotic to thriller.

A story with mythic characters.

I am giving this a GOOD, it wouldn't be a film I'd watch but I can imagine there being an audience for this tastefully executed arty erotic thriller I can see that work. Rule number one; don't bore your audience, and I can imagine people who are attracted to this will be happy to watch a full feature.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Pg 1: Unique opening. It has my attention.

Pg 1: Your opening slugline lacks the time of day.

Pg 2: Good surprise with Haydee's incorporeal form. She felt so out of place in the stall and now I know why.

Pg 3: So Haydee can hold objects? Is she a ghost or not?

Pg 4: ...and apparently she can have sex too. I'm guessing she's human which doesn't explain why Alpheus walked through her in the stall.

Pg 7: Does Dante give Alpheus a blowjob?

Pg 8: I'm unfamiliar with the poem or lyrics Beatrice recites. It's lost on me.

It's a tough for me to digest. At first I thought Haydee was a ghost, then she exhibits human traits. I don't know anything about Urban. I don't know what Alpheus' relationship is to Polo. I assume it's his father. The closest I know about art is which comic book artist drew Batman this month.

Your script is well written and you have unique names. I'm afraid it's just a bit over my head.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I like:

It's really good, dude.
The writing is clear and concise -- paints great imagery in my head.
Each character stands on their own.
The story has drive and it's going somewhere.

Things I don't like:

The scene with the nurse and Alpheus was odd, but I persume that's the world he lives in.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I found this very hard to read for its sexual content (not its homosexual content) - just not for me.

It was very, VERY well-written and I loved the shifts between Haydee and Urban. You characterised well, set scenes well and it was intelligently written.

I had to read the logline to find out what it was about - I'm not sure your ten pages told us enough about the story though very much set the scene.

Does this matter? I don't know. I guess I needed some sort of hook telling me 'Ah, this is the goal of the protagonist, this is the theme. Now I know that, I'm keen to find out more.'

As I didn't get this, as the content was uncomfortable for me, it was simply your writing skills that carried this through.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is excellent.

These ten pages are filled with some of the most amazing and poetic visuals. I just double-checked and realized that Alpheus only talks once and not until the bottom of page ten. It's a real testament to how strong your images are and how much you are able to advance this story though showing, rather than telling.

That opening is also fascinating, using Haydee for VO and putting her in the room with him. It's all very compelling and intriguing.

I hope this moves on to the next round, but it's written in such a unique style (which is a good thing), that I fear it won't.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The writing is technically good. You do a great job of introducing all the characters.

However, the approach to the story is a bit confusing, not always clear on what is going on, what's important.

I'm not sure the set up was clean and it's not clear to me whether an inciting incident has gotten the story in motion.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Interesting universe that's painted here. Very sexual and frankly graphic. The main character seems very passive. Not sure why he's frustrated with his marriage in the first ten. The writing is fine.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

There's pieces of a story here, but there is no evidence that this is anymore than an idea.

The scenes need to be more focused on telling us the story; for instance A-'s more like a psychic-medium; and everybody in his life is a ghost. H- she seems more like a casual lover than a wife(once you realize she's not his guardian angle/ghost). Loose John; the logline says he's digging into his lover's life (Urban) so show us how they can be intimate but not close. And why does A- go digging into Urban's life?

The rest of this are my comments as I read--

There is all this attention on A-'s appearance (which for all the words the only thing that sticks with me is that his nose should have a wiggle in the middle), but then when it's time so thee the ghost-- nothing. She's there. He walks through her.

Plus the word 'angelic' was used to describe A-, so I'm thinking an angel getting a bj-- different, but then H- is the ghost-- Now I'm confused.

Urban. You have ghosts disappearing, and now this guy is just gone. Be more earthly here and say he walks by, not zip into thin air.... (p.s. 'run away' not runway)

Gym. Nursing Home. Gallery. Random shots; have nothing to do with the plot.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: While the graphic nature of the subject matter might carry some shock value, basically nothing happens other than a bi/homosexual man enjoying himself. No goals, stakes, urgency. Nothing to make me even think he's in any physical, emotional, or professional danger from his activities. Maybe this will come later, but as of now, there's nothing here but a montage of a man having an orgasm.

WRITING: Almost flawlessly executed. Images were clear and unambiguous. I wouldn't mention ALPHEUS in your SCENE HEADING/SLUGLINES and in your description directly after it (pg. 1,2). You've told the reader that the camera is on Alpheus, why mention it again? Seem redundant. While it's impossible to avoid adverbs altogether, using them when it isn't necessary should be flagged. So when you use "blankly" with "stare", you're not helping your case. How else would you stare? It's like saying someone "screams loudly"...really.

OVERALL: The writing was done on a very professional level with very little to "nitpick" over, but the story left me feeling empty and unattached to the protagonist (or even his wife). Just didn't move the needle.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Bold. Frank. Adult. Mysterious.

When I first read the logline in round one, I really didn't expect it to advance.
Now I'm so glad it did.

I saw it come up on my screen, winced, took a deep breath and read.

What a great script this is.
Would I go to see it at a theatre? Probably not. Red box? Doubtful. Free on HBO? Maybe, if no one else was home.
What I'm getting at is it may not be for everyone, but it is truly excellent work.

There may have been some typos and minor formatting issues, but I was too engaged in the story to notice. If they exist, they did not take me out of the story for a second.

My only concern is that too much graphic sex in the first pages (although it quickly sets the tone, mood, and atmosphere) might take some of the audience's attention away from the story.

This will probably advance, so I hope you give us a little more story with the occasional blowjob.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

You've certainly created an obsessed character, but he seems to be obsessed with sex - which could explain him becoming obsessed with Urban, solely because of his sexual attraction to him. I'm confused by the voice over from Haidie. I'm waiting for something that explains why she's talking about these things.

Interesting, but I don't really see the story yet.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Well that was.... different.

Kudos for writing something memorable. I won't soon forget this.

Content aside... there were some things about this that didn't make sense. Why is Haydee the narrator? Isn't Alpheus the protag? What the hell happened with Beatrice on pg 9? Did they have sex? That seems a bit far-fetched for a married man who secretly likes guys. Does Haydee know he's secretly gay?

A LOT of unclear things were going on here. A little clarity could make this REALLY good. I'm sure some will be put off by the graphic descriptions, but I thought it was great. Just tighten it up a little! I hope to read more.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Writing wise it seemed solid enough but this just wasn't my kind of story, just too much of that "skin-a-max" late night movie feel for me personally. Some of the dialogue did seem a bit unnatural and forced, particularly Haydee's lines they just have that written feel to them not something anyone would normally say in natural conversation, in fact I would go as far as to say that the whole script kind of suffers from that; its written more like a novel than a script. Don't get me wrong there is good writing in your script especially in the scene headings but the problem is the audience doesn't get to read your scene headings... I recommend you focus on trying to write more natural dialog.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I read through your script:

Really like the initial description of Alpheus, then the voiceover. Very intriguing first scene.

Very groovy first scene. Disturbing and artsy and surprising and gritty and VERY well written.

Haydee is his WIFE? FANTASTIC. GREAT surprise. Next level.

Hee hee. Sausage. Nice.

The tension here is great. Disturbing. Wonderful.

“Haydee lies on her side, her eyes open.” Ouch. Ouch ouch. Nice.

I’ve come to the montage of the circus freaks doing it. I had this thought cross my mind during the Beatrice scene, and now it’s too loud in my head not to share it: You’ve managed the sexual tension in this script beautifully thus far, but don’t overdo it. It’s such a powerful force. The worst thing you could do is to jam SEX SEX SEX into every single scene. We’ll grow immune to it, and that would be the worst thing you could have happen. Meter it out carefully. Don’t make it the norm.

You have a really distinctive voice going on here and it’s a breeze to read. This gets an EXCELLENT from me, with a teeny tiny asterisk: you are right on the line of turning sex into a gimmick in these first ten. Unless we get a non-sexual backdrop to all of these escapades, the sexuality will lose all meaning.

Take your time…you’ve brilliantly established the crazy sexual identity of your characters. Show us the rest of their identity, use ALL of them, not just their private parts.

Your writing is tremendous. Fantastic work.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Although I do not want to see a movie that has so much homosexual sex in it, the writing is good and the writer has command of the screenplay format.

The first paragraph starts with the word HIS. I would suggest, instead, beginning with a name. Consider: ALPHEUS (late 20s), rough but handsome, wears leather jacket and leans against a blocky stone wall with his eyes closed in concentration. His nose appears to have been broken and repaired.

When a CHARACTER is first introduced, capitalize their names. The name ALPHEUS is capitalized twice on the first page.

Be careful of word order because it can affect the “picture” the reader sees in their head. Consider the following examples:

“Between the sinks and the stalls stands Haydee, late thirties...” Consider instead: “Haydee (late 30s) stands between the sinks and stalls...”

“Between the urinals and the stalls, Alpheus stands...” Consider instead: “Alpheus stands between the urinals and stalls...”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Your screenplay feels like a blending somewhere between high art and pornography.

It definitely feels like "something" of substance, but I also found it difficult to follow along in a simply reading of the text. When your female characater "dissapates" I honestly didn't understand what you meant. Stronger visual descriptions might be in order.

At times, it felt like I was reading unfathomably dense poetry - Joyce ULYSSES or a Pinter play - comes to mind.

There's no doubt in my mind that you ARE a gifted writer, and I don't think my reservations are merely uncomfortable reactions to the graphic sexual content.

Of all the screenplays I've read so far, 19, you screenplay is beyond doubt the most provocative of them all. And I can't wait to read other people's comments regarding your script.

Finally, I have to wonder what audience you are going for?

Continued good success.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I liked the opening scene. Powerful. Especially the dialogue. I didn't know a real person preformed the blowjobs in Warhols film. I had to look that up.

pg 7 - we get it. he likes to have sex. Is this going to be the whole script? When is he going to meet this vampire or zombie? You don't appear to be setting anything up. Just a bunch of random funny scenes. Yes, they are funny. But they seem to be leading nowhere.

Who is Lethe?

Yeah, I don't understand why he's having sex with all of these people. How does this push the story forward? I think his relationship with Urban should have started by page 5, and we got to know who Urban was. that would have made the first ten pafes much more interesting. The first scene already established that Alpha was a guy who sleeps with strangers, so the 3 or 4 other scenes held no purpose. It didn't add more to his personality or the story.

Get to the core of your story quicker.

Kirk White (Level 5)

You’ve definitely piqued my interest and have written a sexy, mysterious and nicely atmospheric ten pages. I don’t really get a sense yet as to what the story is, who our hero is or what his/her journey might be. Your writing is solid and strong enough to make me want to read more and find out…but not too much more. My fear is that this could end up being a series of situations rather than a cohesive story complete with an arc for your main character, but your technique is so solid that I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and read on…

Giving a good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The subject matter is difficult. Not possible to review or offer any suggestions relating directly to content, so will simply address the quality of the writing.
Characters are well defined. Alpheus, Haydee, Beatrice, Polo, and Alpheus's acquaintances are distinctive.
Not crazy about Haydee's voiceover appearing and disappearing. In the first ten pages it's hard enough to learn characters and follow a narrative; perhaps a linear story would be easier to grasp.
Overall, very well written even with the shock value.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Start with a scene heading unless there's something going on over black, and that something would be sound and/or dialogue. You open with a CLOSE UP as a location here, and then put in a scene heading with the actual location. It's all happening at the same place, though, and that location should be your only scene heading for the opening. Things can happen in extreme close up, but they happen somewhere specific.

Scene headings have a specific function in a script. When you're doing preproduction, you want a list of locations with the time of day for planning the shooting schedule. LATER is not a time of day. Don't use it in scene headings. You should only be using LATER when time has passed and the location is the same.

You're openly directing the camera with your CLOSE UPs. Try writing the direction into the visuals instead. Writing shots is good, but try to keep the reader unaware that you're doing it.

The names you've chosen so far are androgynous and unique. Well, there is John, but I'm thinking you chose that name as purposefully as you did the others. You don't use any surnames, which is absolutely fine... I'm wondering, though, if you're going for something abstract and Warhol-ish. Pop art with a "figure out what this REALLY means" attitude. I hope not. I do love figuring out what's going on in a film, but not if it's overly abstract and I don't like at least one of the characters.

Which brings me to - I don't like and/or can't relate to any single character.

Alpheus is a selfish prick. He's contemptuous in his treatment of both Haydee and John. He's a user and I wouldn't care if he disappeared for good on page eleven.

Urban is a mystery man. What little we know of him comes from Alpheus' imaginings, so the information isn't reliable.

I have no idea what Dante is doing in the story.

And Beatrice... Dante and Beatrice...

I have a hard time staying with a story when I don't care what happens to anyone involved.

I'm not sure how I feel about the use of dialogue to explain why your story includes so much visualization of sex.

The approach you're taking with this story is on the brave side, but you need to take a lot of care not to obscure the plot with the graphic visuals. It can happen with blood and gore, sex and torture. I've even seen it done with witty dialogue... A writer will reach a point where it seems like the way they tell a story is more important than the story they're telling.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

It was difficult to decipher what was actually on screen at the start. I didn't get that Haydee was actually imaginary until we were reintroduced to her in their flat. Maybe it's just the juxtaposition of it with the scene of Alpheus, but Haydee's Andy Warhol dialogue sounds like either the script or the character is being pretentious. Maybe it would work better separated from that scene? It might also help us to understand Alpheus more, and why he is frustrated, if we're introduced to them separately.

I get that the sausage is phallic, but what kind of meal is a sausage each? (I know there's probably other food on the plate, but it seemed like the scene was already directing our attention towards it before Alpheus notices it.)

The scene with his father hints at something greater, but the affair with Beatrice is just thrown away. I hope it'll become significant later on.

This is an interesting start.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I like how you introduce URBAN. Ready to run away or rumble.

"Arterial blood squirts" was a wtf moment. It pulled me right out of the story, confused.

Great introduction to Beatrice as well. She's immediately compelling and captivating.

I really enjoyed this. It has an interesting structure and subject matter, unique characters, good dialogue. I like how you weave between Haydee and Urban.

Very good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The structure here is all very good. While I find the theme objectionable, you've certainly created an eerie mood and an intriguing character in Alpheus.

I don't know if this will become apparent, but I have no idea how Alpheus makes a living. What he does specifically isn't important at this point. My and-up right now is that he seems to wander around quite a bit with most of his attention on the public toilet.

I'm getting the sense that Haydee is controlling Urban or coordinating his meetings with Alpheus.

Will this be more than a continual series of episodes of Alpheus having sex? So far he's had an episode with every character except his father.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Hmm - this starts beautifully with the discourse on Warhol's film, really thought-provoking.

It's a slow read, there is much going on and many visual images to absorb and ideas to absorb, it feels intellectual.

I am extremely unsure as to the tone - all the peculiar names take away from any realism that the script begins with and I now feel that it is a fantasy film and that I have been misled somewhat.

Haydee talking to camera at the start I thought was Alpheus' imagination but now I see it could be you setting the tone for an unrealistic/fantastical story. That's a shame because I thought it started out as a compelling insight into a homosexual's life and I was very interested.

It's also interesting that Alpheus does not speak until the final line on page ten even though you present him as the main character - is Haydee going to narrate all the way through?

I have no idea what the central question is.

The hook I suppose is the dead body in the toilets and the dream and meeting Urban.

I like it, I think, all those funky names are putting me off somewhat because your logline does not hint at all towards such fantastical fantasy as the names suggest.

The style might also become too much after a while, it's very dense and takes a lot of absorbing.

Very good so far though, well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I guess you are very brave writing a story like this. I must say I would not want to see it in a movie theater though...
Personal taste put aside, the story unfolds evenly, the pace is right, the dialog is well done. I wouldn't format the same way.
p. 5 - you number series of shots. I've never seen numbered shots unless it's a production script. I would take them out.
I wouldn't use CLOSE UP.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Wow. That was powerful, elegantly written, barely any exposition but visually getting across exactly what it needs to, and sucks you into a man and woman's lives with a hint of dread. I like the strange choice to not only physically include the narrator in scene, but to blow them away like dust when other characters pass thorugh them. It's quirky, but works, and that's hard to pull off. This is professional stuff.

This is my shortest review in a long time. I got nothing but praise. Amazing work, and I'll expect to read the full script.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - The first page is intriguing, although I’m a bit confused as to what Haydee is doing in the mens’ room and why she’s providing them with this history lesson while they appear to be busy.

Pg 2 - “Still there’s something to be said for that which is left to the imagination.” - There is a little irony in her saying this while you are leaving very little to the imagination.

Pg 7 - You’re having your fun with this.

Pg 10 - “a gallery full of erotic paintings” - I’m guessing this is what you’re going for.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

In the logline, I would get rid of "including alive." This phrase takes away the suspense as I read the first 10 pages.

The first ten minutes is sexually graphic. If filmed, it could be borderline NC17. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, depending on the author's intention.

I didn't think Alpheus was "frustrated." He appeared to be more bored. He's either a closet homosexual, or he's trying to experiment with homosexuality to spice up his sex life.

I didn't think the series of shots on page 5 was necessary. Just describe the action and let us know if it's a vision/dream. Instead of "cunnilingus," just describe it as "oral sex" - simpler terms are better. You risk taking the reader out of your narrative so he has to google it out of curiousity (bows my head in shame :) ).

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Did he really give him a blowjob? The opening scenes are very descriptive, and the scene runs smoothly. We can safely assume that either Haydees or Alphas is the protagonist of the screenplay. At the beginning, your pronoun use, “she” confused me. I wasn’t sure who were you referring to. When you said, “Alpheus walks straight through Haydee. She dissipates,” and “URBAN, twenties, ready to runway or rumble, strides toward Alpheus. A flash of blue eyes, a smile, then he’s gone,” I wasn’t sure who is “she,” Alpheus or Haydees?

Then you said Alpheus become Haydee. Are the two the same person?

So we see that Hadees, Alpheus, and Urban in a love triangle, which is the premise of the screenplay. The thought that everyone struggles in their relationship is a cool concept, and this is well executed, according to what I just read.

The dialogue is real and natural, I have not notice any grammar errors, and the pacing is tight.

The first ten pages feel like a full story. Although I don’t know what the gym scene is, it seems to fit the tone of the screenplay. I hope you can explain that scene in more depth if this does move to the third round of the contest.

The characters all seemed real. I look forward in spending more time with them if this does rank.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The surreal and risque nature of this drama is really well crafted to keep things moving along briskly, while really taking me inside your character's head, experience his thought process and yes, empathise with him. The transitions are some of the best I've read.

The only thing that keeps me from marking this an excellent is the experimental nature of the piece which continuosly makes me question, what is real and what isn't.

It's probably what you intended and I accept that, though I feel slightly lost at times.

Still, no denying the skill and hard-work you've put in and people deserve to read the feature.

Nicely done!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I really don't know how to critique this. I don't like it, plain and simple, for one thing, it's really over the top with all the sex scenes. Why so much of it? Can't you tell a story without all the blow jobs and masturbating. I wouldn't want to watch this on screen. Maybe others would, but to me this is just not entertaining, moving or compelling.

Alpheus is a weak protagonist, unlikeable and weak. And unfaithful. Why would I even care what happens to him?

Sorry, just didn't like this at all.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I don't think I'm following your story, or perhaps this is all set-up and the story line hasn't fully developed yet. I can't tell.

I think part of the problem is the frequent shift in reality -- Haydee is there, then she dissipates. Urban is there, then he's gone. Then throw into the mix some wiggling sausage, some flopping sausage, a sweat-spraying boxing match, a short interlude in an old folks home (complete with a Goethe-quoting nurse), and a couple series of shots, and I was left scratching my head.

You may have a very beautiful and poignant piece here, but so far I haven't really latched on to the story.

My score: Fair.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

The first thing I must point out is the camera directions. It's okay to say a POV shot once or twice in an entire script but you had completely unnecessary camera directions throughout your first ten pages.

Character names are supposed to be memorable, but I felt like I was reading something out of my time. I wouldn't normally jump to conclusions about names and cultures but if there is a movie universe where names like Alpheus, Haydee, and Urban exist alongside a John and a Beatrice, I am at least a little baffled. I think you may have gone too original with at least one of those aforementioned names.

Haydee narrating the beginning of the movie is creepy enough, but the fact that she is standing in the bathroom cottage really crept me out. It makes the entire story collapse because it introduces Haydee as somebody who knows what's actually going on with her husband and it introduces that she's okay with it. In all honesty, this entire narration isn't even necessary. Mentioning a classic movie at the beginning of your screenplay and trying to create an immediate comparison might make you look like you don't have enough faith in your story for it to stand on your own. I feel like the only reasons you had that in there was to introduce the idea of being the person that gives the blowjob as something to not be ashamed of and you also wanted to point out you were doing a homage with your opening. Let the cinephiles figure out. Starting off like that could annoy the more laid back movie goer.

I thought the sausage and Urban fantasy sequence was hilarious.

Oh, and this is just a neutral comment but, I think that Urban being the dead person seemed a bit obvious once we see Urban and the body bag next to each other. It's not a problem, it's just something to pay attention to.

I like the imagery of the gym you used after Alpheus doesn't find Urban.

The transition between the shower scene and the old age home scene has no logic to it. It's one of those situations in which the logic narrative should be (This but that therefore this but that but this) or (That therefore this but that therefore this). Essentially, you went into the scene without any logical progression into that scene.

Another neutral point, Beatrice is intriguing though I don't know how that dialogue would sound on screen. Would she be portrayed as a literature junkie or a wackjob?

Your last line of dialogue has "upon on" when it should just be one word or the other.

Overall, I like the internal conflict of Alpheus, so that's a major plus on your part.

Some concluding points: The opening narration isn't necessary, just have the blowjob. The old age home scene seems to have no importance on the actual story. Keep up with the internal struggle and you should be fine.

I'm giving this a Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2012 12:36 AM

As I said above - your craft is excellent. I knew this would be challenging for some, but I really hoped it would move on and I'm sorry it hasn't.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2012 12:57 AM

The writing in this was really top notch. Tremendous. This is not a script for the faint of heart, so don't be discouraged. Keep up the amazing work.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 3:32 AM

Hey thanks. And no worries Erich. I fully expected some to freak at the content. I was kind of worried how much, all month. I'm also going through a bit of a surreal period atm and I am aware some people are turned off by that as well. A bit of a double whammy, this one.

For those that had difficulty "getting it" think Orpheus with sex instead of song (Alpheus/Orpheus) (Haydee/Hades) (Urban/Eurydice).

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 6:48 AM

I was very disappointed at your scores Michael. I thought this was truly amazing piece of work. Maybe your best even. Sorry some people were put off by the subject matter and someone said it was "too visual"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 10:28 AM

Wait... Did I misunderstand the "runway or rumble" line? I didn't think there was a typo here.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2012 10:51 AM

I thought this was great. Unique characters and tons of style. I hope you continue with it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 10:59 AM

Me too Michael, I did think it would suffer due to the audience, shame because it is very unique.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/2/2012 2:53 PM

Michael, you got a VG from me. I WAS disconcerted by the subject matter but I can recognise seriously good writing when I read it!