Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

(before reading) Here we go! Ridiculous. Chris, was this set up?

MY FAVORITE LOGLINE AT THE VERY LAST! BEEN WAITING AGES!!!

So either this is in order of who placed at the logline stage (which would make sense since two of my three favorites were the last two) or MP is messin' with me.

*opening file* PLEASE BE GOOD!

(oh-ho.... someone is described as TARTY.... could it be a Brit wrote my favorite logline!)

*Apologies. Due to blue screen of death dead PC, I couldn't critique this script as I would have wanted. As such, I can only grade* VERY GOOD.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Remember reading this logline immediately made me smile! Caspar the little ghost, has to learn how to become scary. Inverse Christmas carol.

I had to get used to the way you name your characters for a second: cool-guy, hard-ass, nice-girl and tarty, until I realized the names characterize their appearances efficiently. Nice approach as long as they are not the protagonists and just mere generic tertiary characters.

Great characterization of the house in the first scene. Classic haunted house. The screaming gargoyle door knocker in the beginning nicely echoes in Hard-asses scream at the end of the scene.

Great transition to scene two as cool-guy and nice-girl hear the scream and think hard-ass is dicking around. Also, now you introduced dramatic irony as we know there are werewolves but the three kids don't. The tension! Suspense! Good job.

Eben Rouge, hilarious! Sounds like Ebenezer Scrooge :-) So I am guessing this is the protagonist.

Hilarious how Eben Rouge tries and fails to get the attention of cool-guy and nice-girl! The whole scene kept going and going and I kept laughing as he kept failing. Very good!

Now I am nearly at the end I realize you did a great job of portraying a scary environment without it actually being scary to the audience.

You introduce a ticking clock, Halloween. Eben has to become scary before that. Adds tension. Nice mirror of Christmas in the original Christmas Carol.

This could be a fun story for a teen audience, animation. But I'll be honest, I'd love to see the movie myself and I am not a teen any more :-)

Ah. So this is how you write a screenplay. I gave it an EXCELLENT.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Pg 1: Can Cool-Guy, Hard-ass, and Nice-Girl have real names? It's hard to remember nicknames. Can we get their ages too?

Pg 1: "Hard-Ass is worried." Can you describe this visually? "Hard-Ass frowns" or "Hard-Ass' eyes dart all around him" for example.

Pg 2: Why would the group ignore Hard-Ass' run for the fence? If the characters aren't scared, then why should the audience?

Pg 3: Hard-Ass dissolves? He's a ghost?

Pg 4: "Tarty scrambles up the hatch ramp, slides and sprawls embarrassingly before making it up to--" This is a lot of action for one shot. Break it up into two or three paragraphs. She climbs. She slides and falls. She catches herself and makes it to the top.

Pg 5: Again. Two remaining members are oblivious to the terror of another character. It's okay for them to be scared too.

Pg 7: Cool & Nice get attacked by drapes and they decide to get it on? These implausible actions are pulling me out of the story.

Pg 9: Orson's exposition is vague. It sounds like they're responsible for bringing ghosts into the world. So...why attack the teenagers? I can't find a connection.

I love haunted houses but I can't tell if you're going for a family friendly tone or something darker. The characters act silly, but I have to assume Hard-Ass and Tarty are dead.

It's hard for me invest in the story when characters go against their nature. It's even harder when they don't have real names.

Eben, your protagonist isn't introduced until page six. That's quite a bit of time to wait. Could he be first at bat against the teens? Let him strike out with Hardy and Tart-Ass and Whip and Yoskolo can save the day. We get introduced to Eben early on and it sets up his flaw: he can't scare anyone.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I like:

Although, it's not my cup of tea, the story has direction and it's going somewhere.
Up until the sex scene, the story has a Disney feel to it.

Things I'm unclear:

The characters were dissolving once they were scared/attacked. Was this some sort of simulation? I'm still not clear on that matter.

Things I didn't like:

I find it interesting that each character would carry-on with their business while their friends are wigging out. Why wouldn't they run or scream afterwards?
I understand the point of the four characters, but they were just okay in my book. Actually, they really didn't match the labels you gave them.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was like a crazy Scooby-Doo or a ride in a fairground ghost train! Fun, but I felt it had a major structural flaw in that the protagonist - I can only ASSUME he's the protagonist from reading the logline - doesn't appear until Page 6 and he's so muddled up within the mass of characters that even then he doesn't stand out.

SO...for 6 pages I thought it was about the teens...and I now assume they won't be seen again...see my notes below.

Really, you must introduce Eben earlier to set the story in our minds. (in my opinion!)

I'm sure this is very much targeted for a specific audience and well-aimed at that particular market.

Notes made as I read:

If you must capitalise sounds (which I personally think is totally unnecessary and only serves to take me out of the story by having words jump out of the page in a random manner!) then please be consistent. You capitalise SCREAMS and GROWLS and you don't capitalise wails and snivels...

I'm struggling with two things at the moment (p 2) - the names of your characters. If they aren't important why are these guys taking up so much space? If they ARE important why do they not have real names? Hard-ass is not a hard ass from our very first encounter!

The second thing: Who is the protagonist?

Tuff? This is an igneous rock. Do you mean tuft? A tuft applies to hair.

Its eyes not it's - it's means IT IS.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm not scoring on it, but I just have to say again how much I love your logline - it's awesome!

As much as I love the premise (and I do), I'm afraid I don't love the opening. It had so many characters, I found it a bit hard to follow. Also the tone surprised me a bit, it was more comedic than I was expecting. The original Dickens classic is really dark and I was hoping for something along those lines, but this ended up reminding me too much of Caspar the Friendly Ghost.

I think this story can be brilliant, but I would work on the mood and atmosphere.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

I had a difficult time following the action. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on with the four teens. I also didn't understand what the ghost/monsters were doing. A lot of characters to keep track of in the first ten pages. It did settle down towards the end. I sort of checked out by then though.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: For me, the hardest part of the story was trying to figure out of the teens were human or not. The logline says "visited by three humans" but the screenplay lists four. COOL-GUY, HARD-ASS, NICE-GIRL & TARTY. The goal of saving Halloween is decent enough, but what are the stakes? I'd establish that early in your set-up because as it is now, it seems silly.

WRITING: A good job keeping things in the active voice. Some of the descriptions left me scratching my head. "A big tall room..." might be better described as CAVERNOUS. On page 6, "They don't seem sure." Who isn't sure? and about WHAT?! Try to keep your TONE consistent. For instance, on page 7 you try to build to this climatic love scene between NICE GIRL and COOL-GUY and then use a crude "getting it on" to describe what they are doing.

OVERALL: Probably a decent teen "Twilight"-esque story here, but there wasn't enough backstory provided to get me attached to the characters. Should I care what happens to the teens, or not? If EBEN is going to be your protag and we're going to experience the story through his POV, then establish that early. Perhaps have him attending to ORSON in your opening image. Then you can have EBEN spot them hopping the fence. As is, the story is more about the house (excessive descriptions and pointless detail) than the mission to save Halloween.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Yeah! I really wanted to read this.

Okay, I read it.
Nice start.
As I was reading, I got the impression this might be a cool computer animated film.
Until two of the teens made out in the tower. Then I decided it was a cool CGI film.
Until Eben started to talk to himself after his scene with Orson on page 10. I thought for sure he would break out into song.
"Why do I have to be scary? Why can't I just have fun? I never knew how to do this. I really don't want to hurt anyone."
Music swells. Gargoyles come to life and become his backup singers.
Well, maybe not.

So, this is based on A Christmas Carol. Excellent choice. We all know it, so we kind of know what to expect. You just need to tweak it to fit the Halloween theme. Cool.

You set up the premise very well.
Eben is a timid ghost who has the task of starting Halloween this year. The only problem is he doesn't know how or have the desire to scare people. Cool.

I like Eben. Which is major. If I didn't like him or feel sorry for him, there's no reason to read further.

The supporting ghouls are meh. I'm sure they will pick up steam later in the story.

The only thing keeping me from giving this an excellent (and I might still come back and bump you up) is not knowing if this is live action with actors or an animated feature. The difference? If this was an animated film (computer or drawn), this would be dynamite. Excellent. Fun for kids and adults. Not too scary. Budget not too bad.
If this is live action with actors... Good? A little corny, maybe. Maybe a groaner for adults. Could real actors pull it off? CGI budget may sink it.

But I will grade on the curve and give it a VERY GOOD for now.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice setup with lots of action. You've given me a great understanding of your protagonist, and definitely set the tone of the story. Based on Scrooge, but backwards, Eben is a very sympathetic character. I want to understand his stakes better - is he trapped in this role? Why does he have to save Halloween? Why does anyone?

Good comedic feel to it. I'm definitely ready to read more. Good job!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Not so sure about these names: "Cool Guy" "Hard Ass" etc....

Why is Hard Ass such a coward? Seems to counter our only image of this guy as being an actual Hard Ass.

These people are dissolving when they die? I'm getting confused.

It's hard to believe Cool Guy and Nice Girl would ignore their friend's violent screams for help just to keep on exploring this haunted house (or whatever it is).

And now they're "getting it on" after being attacked by a ghost? I'm losing a lot of confidence in this now.

Not a bad concept, but I wonder what kind of "rights" issue you would face with this. Good luck!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I also hate coming up with names... But seriously it really was hard to get into the story of cool-guy, hard-ass, tarty and nice-girl. I copied the text and replaced the names with some random ones I pulled out of the air; Shaggy, Fred, Velma and Daphne... Ok so maybe I had a little inspiration for the names but that's honestly what the beginning reminded me of, I was wondering where Scooby was by somewhere around the middle of page three. Joking aside its actually a pretty unique twist on the old familiar story and I'm quite surprised that with the exception of a couple student films and a loose similarity to Casper the friendly ghost it hasn't really been done yet. The timing and the overall flow were good, as was the writing. I quite enjoined poor Eben's failed attempts at scaring the young couple. I could actually see this being developed into a pretty popular Disney or Pixar type cartoon. Good light hearted fun and after reading it a couple times the more I think about it the more I enjoy it.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I read through:

Let me start by saying that I think this is a great log line. However…oooo the dreaded however…I’m extremely wary of loglines where the protagonists goal is to “learn to understand” something. It puts up my red flag that the author isn’t exactly sure where the whole thing is going. So I got my eye on you!!

Anyhoo…onward…

The standard teenagers approaching a scary house. I’m a little thrown by the fact that a tree just fell down across the path, and they all just shook it off like hey, it’s just a big tree falling down next to us, no big deal. It seems a little odd. I’m still waiting to see exactly what the tone of the script is…how seriously it takes itself…but regardless, they should at least recognize that tree in some way, right?

Poor Hard-Ass. His friends desert him? Lame! Same comment as above. That’s a weird reaction to the situation. I can’t lie, it has me thrown.

Ohhh Hard-Ass dissolves. Not real? This makes the comments above even more imperative. The more we believe that these are real deal teens, the cooler the reveal that they’re not.

“…distinctive black tuff of fur.” I believe “tuft” might be the word you’re looking for. With a “t.”

Again, Cool-Guy seems completely unaffected by the fact that Tarty is having a freakout. I get that he can’t see the bat, but the fact that he ignores his friend freaking out is just odd.

I have to admit…I’m halfway through page 5 and I’m kind of losing interest. We’ve established that they’re running through kind of a standard haunted house, and that when they die they dissolve. Now I feel like I just want to skip ahead to where the other two dissolve…I don’t want it to take long. What other information can you bring to the table in these first pages? I don’t feel like I’m learning anything NEW about the characters, or the setting, or the situation.

Please consider not having the werewolf be Native American. It’s just too Twilight.

Funny turn of events. Ghost turned cupid.

But who were the kids? Just a test illusion type deal?

I see what you’re heading for and I like some of the stuff you’ve done at the end here with Orson and Eben. But I have to say, as a whole, these pages feel pretty slow to me.

I think your goal should be to sell us so thoroughly on the idea that we’re watching a real deal horror movie, that there is a HUUUUUGE contrast when Eben comes into play and ruins everything.

Good luck!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I had to read the first paragraph a couple of times to cement the picture in my mind's eye. I think the first sentence needs to be more straightforward and I would encourage the writer to consider a rewrite closer to the following: “A gargoyle knocker dominates a door near a dark house centered on wooded grounds.”

I would suggest the writer give the characters on the first few pages some description. Their names tell us something but I had a difficult time picturing them.

Be careful with pronouns. On page two: A Werewolf leaps across the path in front of him, he YELPS. Who is “he?” The Werewolf or Hard-ass? This reader can't tell as written. Same comment for the following sentence: “White Wolf looms large on a branch in front of him, bares his fangs.”

Remember, “less is usually more.” Consider the following:

Page 2: “A Werewolf leaps across the path in front of him, he YELPS.” Consider instead: “A Werewolf leaps across the path and YELPS.”

Page 5: “He leans in to her, nods his head sideways.” I don't understand what the writer means. When we nod our head it goes up and down. When we shake it it goes sideways.

Page 6: The following reads awkward: “EBEN ROUGE, a late teens boy ghost ...” Consider instead: “EBAN ROUGE (late teens), male ghost....

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

- Not quite sure what a "happy scream" is.
- Four teens shuffle along. Cool Guy, Hard Ass, Nice Girl and Tarty. "Tarty" seems the most visually evocative description of the bunch. The others seem vague and lacking physical visualizations.
-Hard Ass screams and dissolves. I was unaware he was a ghost and this confused me. Consider describing the four teens earlier on as "four ordinary looking teenage ghosts?"
-Cool Guy says "Dick." What does that mean? A name? Consider using a more recognizable name or expand a bit for clarification "Oh no! Dick's in trouble!"
-Also confused as to Hard Ass' relative position to the others. Isn't he behind them? Why do they hear screams and press forward? Also, are they trying to escape to safety or to help their friend?
- Cool Guy and Nice Girl tryst and the happy post coital couple descend the stairs. Your screenplay is presumably written for a children's audience. Consider toning down the love making to kissing romantically?

Two nice touches that I particularly liked:
- the unexpected falling through the trap door.
- and the very endearing Merlin/Arthur relationship between Orson & Eben.

The biggest weakness I can see (in my opinion) seem the vague, undefined descriptions of many of your characters. No sooner are they introduced, then poof! they're gone.
Consider adding some basic MEMORABLE elements that cause us to care about them BEFORE THEY DISAPPEAR.
Hope this criticism is helpful. And continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

GOOD.

The premise for this is EXCELLENT but these first pages aren't pulling me in. The story so far is cartoonish (for example, the gang has names that are character traits TARTY and KICK-ASS).

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title works well for this. It sets the mood, tone and expectations very well.
Craft - your craft is flawless.
Dialogue - the dialogue seems realistic for these characters.
Action lines - your action are very good, clear and concise.
Story - This is a tough one for me. As you can tell from my comments above, I think this is very well written by a very talented writer. However, the story just doesn't work for me. I think I would like like it better if it were an all out comedy. Hopefully you can get more helpful feedback from people that enjoy this genre more than I.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I pictured this as a children's story, but with a character named Hard-ass, I'm second guessing my assumption.

"shrugs before carrying on" - So is this a kids movie? That's the only way I can accept that they just let their friend.

Why doesn't anyone have names? Are these character insignificant? Probably...

So is Whip, in human form, in her hair? I don't understand?

5 - Why does Cool-Guy and Nice-Girl want to laugh? that's tragic. Maybe it explains why everyone is dissolving rather than dying.

5 - "Give his lower lip a little bite" - Nice-Girl bites Cool-Guys lip?? Is that a typo?

"I like things a little dangerous" - I don't get the tone of this script. How is a person supposed to say this without the audience scratching their head?

"And start getting it on" - so this is an adult film. Well, PG-13. I don't think the tone has been established. Why aren't they concerned over the Ghost? Is this one of the spoof films?

Why would they think a ghost has fangs?

The ending is very intriguing, but the rest of the script fell flat for me.

The dialogue seemed too on the nose, and again, I stress this, the tone was not clear. Who is your targeted audience? I tried to read it like a Nightmare before Christmas movie, but it seemed too kiddie at times.

Oh yeah, and why were the kids dissolving? You never explained that.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This was one I was very much looking forward to reading. Very smart and cool idea you have here! I think it’s a good choice to identify the teens as archetypes rather than their names since they serve a utilitarian purpose here, but I could have used a bit more about your main characters…maybe integrate into the story sooner so we’re seeing/meeting them as the characters go along; maybe even get to Eben first since it seems like he is our “hero”.

Nice style…a little overly detailed in the action lines for my personal tastes…I think if you streamline you could probably even cram more into these ten pages…but nothing that’s a deal breaker.

I struggled a bit to really know exactly was going on here and in the end concluded that this was some kind of dream world Eben inhabits? that was the only explanation I could find to explain Hard-ass's dissolving. If that is not the case, perhaps a little more clarity is needed to fully understand the world

Good luck I hope I get a chance to read more.

Giving a good

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Nice twist on the ghost story idea. The dark house in the woods with the tall tower behind the spiked fence would look great on a big screen.
It certainly does help to name the four teens according to their presumed personas. Isolating their dialogue, though, it was hard to differentiate the four. Would assume Hard-ass is difficult, Tarty rather flippant, nothing scares Cool-guy, and Nice-girl would be conciliatory. Couldn't understand the motivation for the teen Tarty, "wide-eyed with fear and flush with excitement," to offer her neck to a spiffily-dressed vampire in a spooky house. A screaming Hard-ass "wails like a baby" and retreats for the fence. Don't believe that two teens, Cool-guy and Nice-girl, really need to "start getting it on." What does that action contribute to the scene? Seems the actions of these four rambling around in the "spirit house" could be shorter.
Insecure and sickly Eben comes across as cute, naive and likable. Curious about how he ended up in the hospital and in the spooky house. Might want to get to his story and his apparent heartwarming relationship with Orson earlier.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm not sure what's going on with the four teens. Are they real or part of a practice run for the following night? The names are obviously meant to indicate the character type, and they're never said out loud, but you open with them on the road and then the final two walk out the front door, apparently solid beings... But the other two evaporate... What's going on here? I'm not getting it.

I like the way you handle scene transitions. It makes for a smooth read.

This is a lot of fun so far. It's pretty well written, and the story is interesting.

This is scary on a par with Monster Club. If that's what you're going for, good work. If not, you might want to try cranking up the tension in the very beginning.

Again, you really need to make it clear what's going on with the kids in the beginning. It can set up as reality, but there needs to be a reveal if it's a test. Especially for people like me.

Nice.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a neat reversal, and I like how you've avoided the obvious comparisons by staying away from Tim Burton and leaning more towards traditional horror films.

I'm not sure who your target audience is though - this feels closest in tone to 'Monster House', which was scary while still being a kids' film, but some of what happens here ("Dick" in the dialogue, "getting it on") makes me think otherwise. If it's going to be an adult horror-comedy, maybe in the vein of 'Beetlejuice',

But I like how you've set up the characters. Maybe a bit too much time was spent with the human characters, but through their names at least we know not to care too much about them.

Good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

The whole sequence with the white wolves was awkwardly written in terms of the action beats. I didn't feel any tension or sense of danger. This scene has the potential to be a lot more compelling by restructuring the beats.

I have to be honest and say this didn't really engage me. It spends a long time on characters without real names and introduces weird and wonderful elements in a very matter of fact way.

By the end I was starting to lose interest. The writing isn't bad but there was too much going on in the story and not enough time spent getting to know these characters and their situation.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - No. I was expecting a lot more from this story based on the log line. Unfortunately I had a hard time trying to figure out if it's supposed to be funny or not. Nothing read seriously enough to be scary, but there wasn't any obvious humor either. It struck me almost like an old Scooby Doo episode.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - No. The protagonist Eben wasn't even introduced until page 6. I doubt any serious LA reader/producer would get that far in this script. The initial characters, the 4 poorly named kids, take up too much time. I'd suggest you open with at least a page that introduces Eben and gives us some clue about his struggle. Don't leave that until page 9 because most readers won't get that far. The teens are also completely unrealistic to me. Two of them are killed and the other two show no concern at all.

Writing style - I think the concept has great promise but this story doesn't work for me. I don't get a sense of tension or fear at any point based on the descriptions of the kids approaching or moving through the house. It seems as though, from the dialogue of Whip and the white wolf, the early parts should be full of real fear and tension.

Craft - The white wolf "growls to direct..." is telling us WHY something happens. Keep the actions descriptive of what we see - "The white wolf's growl sends werewolves scurrying hidden spots along the path"

"Hard-ass SCREAMS and wails like a baby on a desperate run for the fence." A baby on a desperate run for the fence? Watch your punctuation.

Tuff Bat - I think you mean to use the word tuft. In addition, bats don't see with their eyes.
"...and start getting it on." You really wrote that?

I noticed a lot of punctuation mistakes, mostly missing commas. A typo here or there is one thing, but repetitive misuse of punctuation is too much to overlook here.

Do I want to read more - I'd like to say yes but I can't. There may be a great story buried in the later pages, but you have to build a stronger opening to make me want to read further.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

An ok start to what seems like it might be a cute animated adventure. You were pretty clear with the opening images and the protagonists goal.

I did find the adjective names at the start a bit distracting however. I would let them be in a short but for something long, you really should name characters - especially speaking ones otherwise it gets too difficult to follow what's happening.

Also there were a couple of typos - one big one Tuff instead of Tuft - and a small one heal instead of heel.

Best of luck advancing to the next round.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I'm wondering what age group this is aimed at as I think it's important for how to review it properly. I'm getting that this might be for a very young audience but hope that there will still be some strong character arcs - or at least one for Eben.

The beginning is very repetitive - going through the different teens with the different monsters, I found it very difficult to keep focused - even if your characters are never going to show up again it's good to make them interesting or quirky and fun to kind of be around, these guys were very much cliche and I found myself rushing through their scenes until Eben showed up.

I thought his scene with Orson was very interesting and think you should bring that in sooner. Each scene should develop character or move plot forward which this scene did - very few of your other scenes did which is why I found it slow and tough to read.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Does Hard Ass, Cool Guy, etc have a name? If they are the main characters I'd like to know their names.
p.2 - "Hard-ass glimpses teeth and eyes, looks back. They’re gone." - what?
p.6 - you have Teens instead of teens.
Eben gets a hard task on p.10 - this is the Inciting Incident.

Overall impression. Maybe it's better when you watch it, but on paper seems like way too many characters - wolfs, ghosts, bats, vampires, humans... I was a little lost.
So the teens have sex and walk out of the house? I'm not sure I understand the whole idea of them going there. Are they going to come back into the picture? It's too early to tell from the first 10 pages whether I understand what's going on. Lot's of flying and booing and growling, but if you take that away there is not much happening. The teens get into a funeral home, wonder around a bit, have sex and get out, meanwhile a bunch of spooky residents chaotically bounce around. Some ghost Eben talks about how hard to scare humans. It might be a start of an interesting story, seems like 10 pages was not enough to deliver a substantial chunk of the story.
Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The quick, streamlined style of this ombined with the surreal cartoonish effects (people dying just "dissolve away" makes me think of anime. If that's what you were going for, well done, you succeeded.

This is quick and strings its standard plot along, but I think I'm missing something - I was promised Dickens, after all, and what you've written is a pretty straightforward kid's movie about ghosts and Halloween. More references would work. It's also missing the teeth of the original - Ebineezer is a crotchety old man that we don't like, who learns the meaning of generosity. I understand you're going backwards, but if Ebin is just nice, then the real flare of Christmas Carol is gone, and you're basically left with an after-school special. You may have sabotaged yourself with your own too-clever idea.

I also don't really get the dissolution of the victims - I thought at first you were talking edits, but it seems they just vanish. Maybe it's supposed to be safe-for-kids, but that doesn't square with the two kids having blatant sex later. On top of that, Orsen's adivce and Whip and Yoskolo's admonishments are just too standard, and have no weight - does Ebin really have to make the first scare of Halloween? Or what?

It doesn't help that the characters we follow for seven pages have no names. Add to that the first villain is Tuff-Bat, and I was afraid we were going to have stock names through the whole script.

It has a quirky charm to it, but it needs a bit of rethinking, to give it a real Halloween boost.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

INteresting premise and well written. There are a few typos "heal", "shear".

I thought that the killing off of the first two teens did not really work. First, there was hardly enough time to identify with the characters before they get killed off. Second, none of the characters seemed to care about the fact that two of their party were missing. Giving the characters names such as Cool Guy really does not do it for me, since those characteristics never really came through in the story, so what is the point?

I realize that with 10 pages on the line, you would want to pack in as much action and characters as possible. But the whole thing just seems way too hurried. Need to set up the characters and the atmosphere first.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I like the high concept logline. It reminds me of Beetlejuice.

pg 1 - Not a big fan of these names. Without ages and descriptions, I'm thinking these guys/gals are minor characters. But still - reminds me too much of Snow White's dwarves.
pg 2 - Jumpy, they hear GROWLS. This sentence reads weird. I'd cut the "jumpy."

I'm not a big fan of the generic names (i.e. Snow White's Dwarves), but I do like the premise. It reminds me of Beetlejuice. It does have promise and I'd keep reading based on these ten pages.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

This makes an easy read since you have a lot of white space. Reading the logline, I can tell that Eben is the protagonist because he is the one being scared of ghosts. This is the best screenplay that has the best visual quality. It is very, very visual.

The action lines and the central premise about the undead is a cool concept. I just don’t know how the reader expects to remember all these scenes as they read them. I lost focus. I just think it’s too big for ten pages. I think the story could move a bit slower so we can get a grasp of information. You also introduced quite a few characters.

The dialogue is natural. I spent enough time with the characters even though I have not read it yet .The character, Eben is likeable and I could identify with him.

That was funny! He practices on not being scared but fails to punch a bag of flowers.
The first ten pages looks structured, and I have not notice anything else wrong. After I read the last line, I understood everything else. The character’s world is set up to its full potential, and you will make a good, seasoned screenwriter.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

This could be quite the cute tail. I want to say that I see a lot of films tied into this one. Casper and Kung Fu Panda immediately jump to mind. Eben is not a scary ghost, and doesn't know how to be, but has to learn in time to save Halloween, much like Po in Panda being the dragon warrior. I felt the pacing was really good for an intro scene, but the coversation with Orson seemed too quick. This conversation between them needs to have weight, and power that guides Eben into the rest of the narrative. Motivates and empowers! Even after the conversation, Eben seems doubtful. He should leave with a little more determination, if not confidence towards the task at hand just based on Orson's speech. Overall, I can see this being a great animated film, ala Monsters vs Aliens.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

HA, love the names of your first on-screen characters!

Aw, this was really cute and charming, though quite a bit of time was spent in these ten pages before we ge to Eben and I don't quite understand who those teens were or why did they disappear, I admire your quirkiness and the fact that you were able to clearly establish theme and show me the conflict and keep this really original and fresh.

Very nice job!

Hope to read the ten pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was one of the loglines I really liked. I was looking forward to reading the ten his disappointed me.
I don't like the names of your characters (the teens) I wonder why you those names.

I am thinking that your protagonist is Eben. I would have like to have seen him introduced first.

Not sure I buy the teens having sex there, after what they've gone through so far.

I would maybe rewrite the ten pages and introduce Eben with Whip and Yoskolo first, then have the teens come in. Are the teens going to be in the film way? if not, they don't deserve to be seen first.. :}

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Wow, this was a wild ride! Unfortunately, I think it's a little too wild. A lot of weird, spooky stuff happens (a lot!), but I didn't see any coherent story taking shape. And that's really what the first ten pages should be all about -- drawing us in, grabbing our interest, developing your characters, setting up the rest of the story. But for the first eight pages, all we see is a rapid-fire series of monsters popping out of nowhere, changing into bats and wolves (and Inuits), and a group of clueless teenagers making out and getting bit, then "dissolving away".

Finally, on Page 9, we start to get a hint of an actual story. Eben is actually a friendly ghost with a responsibility...and a dilemma. He has to "launch the spirits and demons into the world each Halloween", and he (I think) is supposed to accomplish this by doing "the first scare of Halloween", but he doesn't like to scare people.

I think it took too long to get to the actual story, and then it's all on-the-nose talk -- Orson reviewing with Eben stuff that he already knows, purely for the benefit of the movie audience.

You have a clever idea here, but I think you used your first ten pages on the wrong stuff. Instead of establishing your story and characters (and hooking us, the viewers, in the process), you bombarded us with a lot of random spooky action.

I do think you have a good idea here, and I enjoyed reading it.

My score: Good.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Love the concept. Love it.

I think it's a mistake to not actually name the characters. If they have speaking roles, and they do, then you should name them so we can identify with them more easily and completely.

A wolf and werewolves. A werewolf is (typically) nothing like a werewolf, so telling me it's a wolf makes me think it's an ordinary wolf.

On Page 2, they hear snarls and a tree smashes down... but their reactions are completely off, as if nothing happened. Odd.

If the white wolf (!) jumps in his path, how does he run past?

Then hard ass (odd name here) is screaming and none of them seem to care. Very odd.

Wait... Hard ass is what? A ghost? Hmmmm... waiting to find out why.

Tuff Bat? This name sounds positively out of place and almost cartoonish. Not sure yet if this is a character we should fear, but I won't fear it if its name is Tuff Bat.

Tarty screams and still the reactions seem muted. This must be a comedy, but so far it's lacking in humor... and the reactions are just odd to me. I think you need to work on setting the tone a bit more.

And now Tarty dissolves. Looking forward to finding out why.

On Page 7, these ghostly, inexplicable things begin to happen and the couple start to get it on? Getting harder to understand, not easier.

This finally started getting interesting when Orson enters the picture. I understand part of the story and the stakes. But you spend SO much time on those four humans (who melt away?!) and I don't know why. I understand you are trying to establish something, but the 4 kids are not the way. Or if you must use them, cut them down to 3 pages and let the actual plot/theme/character development occur during the remaining pages.

It's a good concept. Best of luck.

Van Atanasov (Level 2)

Overall, good. Nice dynamic writing with lots of action and verbs. I found it confusing in a couple of places but that might have just been me. The stereotypical character names work well for these first pages but I don't know about later in the script - it might just take from their being interesting.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2012 4:17 AM

Apologies for that last line typo, Philip!

I would love to read the feature. This premise has great potential. Gave it a very good.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/24/2012 3:40 AM

Thanks for letting me read the entire feature, Philip!

I must say it lives up to the logline and these ten pages, and how!

Great imagination, brilliant originality!

Loved it!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 6/29/2012 8:48 AM

Thanks Rusty, your great notes have helped me a lot. I’m excited about continuing to develop this.

If anyone wants to take a look at it, let me know.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/3/2012 1:11 AM

Philip - The rewrite is amazing! Get it out there so someone will make it!