Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

Wow this is going to be a great read. Really cool idea and you did a good job visualizing it. This really can go far and I wish I could critique it atleast a little but it's obvious you spent alot of time on this and it has definitely paid off. Good luck!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Pg 1: Use active tense. "A battle is raging" becomes "A battle rages".

Pg 1: Introduce the Confederate in caps. You describe his action sequence so he's a character.

Pg 1: Great opening scene. Very intense and attention getting.

Pg 2: I'm not convinced that Connelly breaks after shooting the Yankee in the head. He's been sniping all day, what difference does one more soldier make? I could believe his actions if he mistakenly shot a young boy (playing bugle or running messages).

Pg 3: A soldier addresses a Lieutenant by his first name? Unless they're close friends, that's unlikely.

Pg 4: Spell out numbers in dialogue.

Pg 4: "The men tensely continue." Continue what? The scene ends.

Pg 7: This is your inciting incident that changes Connelley's life. Usually it occurs around page 10-12 so as to give the audience more time to get to know the characters.

You have a good premise and setting. The Civil War was a brutal time and war-ravaged characters are plausible and plentiful. I can easily picture Connelley haunted for years to come.

Your script reads more like a short story. Show us, don't tell us. All of the following snippets are inside information that only the reader will know:
"who is respected by all he meets"
"has just reached his breaking point"
"The Captain, sensing that he is being watched"

Your biggest challenge lies in creating characters we care about. To do that, you have to give us enough time to get to know them. Your catalyst, or inciting incident, occurs on page 7, which is very early. I suggest pushing it to at least page 10 and give us more insight into the relationship between Beardsley and Baker. I need a reason for a Baker to give his life for Timothy.

As it stands, I don't know enough about Beardsley or Connelley to feel the impact of the situation. If you wish to study a film with a similar protagonist, I recommend "Exorcist: The Beginning". The protagonist, a priest, is forced to pick ten villagers to be executed by occupying Nazis.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I like:

Your story pretty much mirrors your logline -- expectations is on point.
I liked the opening battle scene. I imagined everything moving in slow motion with small bits of real-time thrown in at certain intervals.
A lot of your scenes have suspense.
I didn't know what to make of this logling, but so far, it's not a bad read.

Things I don't like:

Killing an innocent is a heinous act under any circumstances; I just felt him killing that dude didn't impact me the way that I thought it should.
The scripts not very clear if the girl dies or not.
Who initially shot at them [Protagonist's group] and why were they following them?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought the story was great, good potential, but your writing style needs a lot of tidying up to allow us to concentrate on your creative skills without being distracted by anomalies.

Notes as I read:

Please capitalise characters when they first appear - even extras like SOLDIERS

You are using Present Continuous Tense a great deal. Better to use Present Simple e.g stands rather than is standing, Fires rather than is firing.

The man in blue crosses himself? That's how you wrote it.

How do we know the guy is respected by all he meets except that you tell us. SHOW!

Lose the CONTINUEDS!

I'm afraid I'm not that convinced by Connelley's breakdown. I think the fact that he asks for God's forgiveness isn't sufficient.

Not ten full pages here!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love this!

What a great opening. It's thrilling, dark, and full of strong characters. I can see the whole arc of your script being setup.

I think this is the best opening ten pages you have done yet.

This is truly excellent and I really hope it moves on.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The writing is solid, no qualms there. There were an awful lot of characters packed into 10 pages that made it a tad difficult to sort it all out. You got the story rolling eventually with the heinous crime which was good. The story journey and the stakes didn't appear to be established within the first 10 pages but I did want to read more so you have that going for you. Good luck.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Writing works. Opening battle scene is nice. However, the priest's dark past went on way too long. It took up the first ten pages. I think maybe you should intercut that throughout the main storyline.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Ugh, there's too much about fog and how the farmhouse looks. And then there are times when you write the same shot from two different perspectives (doll-girl and the boots. I don't need the movie's cut; I just want to know Doll-girl sees ugly-beard's boots and what happens next)

Limit the exquisite details of a scene-- these ten pages need to set-up the plot and get it flowing. You've covered more than the last script (I'll give you that) but I'm not thrilled about having to read anymore of this shot-by-shot screenplay.

There are a lot of characters, (which gets confusing in black and white) so only name the recurrent characters; the one's that die/or only seen once-- name them by their looks (like the dead-friend, maybe he's bucktoothed or one-eyed).

The Priest's desertion. This should be a quick glimpse into the character's psych, but it turns into the traipsing through the woods-- maybe it's all the extras, but somehow work on getting from the desertion to the actual atrocity sooner.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: Nothing really wrong with the story. Strong opening image. A battle scene always evokes lots of conflict (both inner and outer). Although, I'd opt to open with the soldiers racing away from the battle in full retreat. Some of the dramatic decisions were too easily played out (BEARDSLEY and BAKER's conflict over shooting the farmer, BAKER). By eliminating the battle scene (which in the real world would save $$$ for your producer and not diminish your story) you give yourself a lot more space to have that dramatic scene play out. You could even have a scene with BAKER and PHILOMENA (and the DOLL) which would give your audience/reader a chance to emotionally attach themselves to the object to which you screenplay is named after.

WRITING: In screenwriting, many of the rules are broken without consequence. One that shouldn't be broken is the rule of "active voice". Especially in the first line! So when you say "A battle IS raging." You tell the reader that he/she is in for a long night. But, it's an easy fix. Simply, "A battle rages." Now you have an image that the reader cant get with. If you write, "A thick eerie fog..." then you should drop FOG from your scene heading (EXT. FOGGY BATTLEFIELD). Those sorts of "double exposure" really annoy the reader because you're telling him/her that they don't have the acumen to retain information. Another red flag is the overuse of "adverbs". Adverbs equals lazy writing. Perfect example. On page 9 you write: "Suddenly, Beardsley violently enters the room..." That can be better by writing: Beardsley BARGES in banging a can of kerosene. He DRENCHES the room as he eyeballs Connelley.

OVERALL: "The Doll" has the hint of a decent story but suffers from writing that need work because of all the "passive" writing and abundance of adverbs. Suggested reading: "Your Screenplay Sucks" by William Akers (chapter 60)...I'm not saying "your screenplay sucks" that really is the name of the book.

David M Troop (Level 4)

First of all, welcome to the top 30. Kudos for finishing your first ten pages.

Your premise and logline are pretty good, obviously.

Unfortunately, I had a hard time getting involved in your story. Here's why.

First of all, you use too many passive verbs in your action lines. You write in the Present continuous Tense instead of the Present Perfect Tense.

page 1 sentence 1:
A battle is raging on a cold muddy field.
A battle rages on a cold muddy field.
Then:
A thick eerie fog punctuated by the sight of bullets flying and explosions of cannons. Then the soft outline of soldiers firing their rifles. Another group is running.

Bullets pierce the thick eerie fog. Cannons explode. Soldiers, barely visible, charge and fire their rifles.

What I'm getting at is you have to grab the reader's attention. And your only devices are your words and images. Your words have to be as intense as the battle they are describing.

Connelley slowly inches himself around the tree until he hears a pistol being cocked. The pistol is pointed right at his head, only a mere few inches away.

Connelley inches himself around the tree and peers out. A pistol looms inches from Connelley's face. A steady hand cocks the pistol.

You get the idea.

You have a very intense scene inside the farmhouse. You set that up well and there is some good suspense and tension, but for some reason, you gave Beardsley some dialogue that reminded me of Yosemite Sam.
BEARDSLEY
You heard me. I need to trust you. Either shoot him or I’ll blast ya to tarnation.

It really took me out of the script.

The characters of Connelley and Beardsley are good. You set up their rivalry nicely.
Beardsley is a villian you want to see get his. And you want Connelley to give it to him. And it seems from your logline, that is the direction you are headed.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

This story is very engrossing. I wondered how the "heinous war crime" might play out, and how bad it might be, and I think you've done a good job of reflecting a pretty horrid act. You've set up your protagonist and important side characters well. The action works and really draws you through the story. I'm not a fan of war stories, but this was an enjoyable and easy read.

My critiques could be satisified with a careful read through. There are a few awkward words that could be changed (use "picture" instead of "likeness") and the dialogue can be tightened up. Just read it out loud and try to make it more natural.

This is a good start. I Look forward to reading more.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I thought from the logline that this might be a horror/supernatural script, but the first 10 seem to have it more as a drama/thriller. So I'm really unsure of the tone here.

Effective use of the popular southern word "skedaddle."

On the final page, why did you leave over half the page blank??? I feel like you could've added something there... like the girl's death.

Overall, not bad though. Good writing and solid descriptions. I liked that you got into the meat of the story right away. Good job!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I’m reading through:

I can’t deny it. I find myself distracted by the fact that this guy is running into a battle with only bare hands to fight with. I would say, maybe at least let the guy hold onto his gun…it must have a bayonet on it, right?

The way you moved from Connelley to Baker to Francis…be careful. This scene is feeling really fragmented. At the moment it feels like you're stuck in a strange limbo between a single scene and a battle montage.

Nice reveal with the fact that Connelley is with Baker’s sister.

“Skedaddle” may not be the best choice there. It feels a little out of place, considering their circumstance.

Be careful about using the word “tensely.” I think the situation should dictate the tension to some extent. That is to say, I don’t think you need to remind us that this is a tense situation.

The order of Beardsley’s comments at the bottom of page 4…a little odd. He says “Good to see someone make it out…it just wasn’t our time yet, boys.” All congratulatory, happy togetherness, and then all of a sudden 180 degrees and at Connelly’s throat: “Funny how you end up back under my command…” If Beardsley just recognized him, tell us that.


I’m done now and I think that this is a very interesting start to your script. My one note would be this: I feel like Connelly needs more personality. If the rest of the script is devoted to the horrible memories he has of this night, I think you might want to make some stronger choices with his character. Maybe he cooperates fully with Beardsley…almost happily…until a single jarring moment leaves him questioning himself. Maybe he is literally brutalized by Beardsley until he simply doesn’t have the strength to fight anymore…I don’t know.

I just think you’ll be well served if you make Connelly really decisive during this time…for good or bad.

Nice work.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

An engaging and outstanding screenplay that can ony deserve an Excellent. I'm only
sorry you stopped short of completing page 10 to the bottom. (Perhaps an aesthetic concern to end on "THE DOLL"?

Continued good success.

One thought. My impression is that "..." should be used when a character is wondering about what words to use next. Indicating a thinking process of searching for word choice, not an interruption.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
The battle scene is generic. Needs a grittier feel to support the war crimes aspect.

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
The logline warns us of a heinous act that befalls the girl but I'm not sure the act is all that heinous. Terrible yes. Maybe I'm jaded.

I suggest a sequence where the girl is playing with her doll as the soldiers appear on her farm.

Good.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

I really like it so far! It's gripping and interesting, and I like that the soldier is fighting the battle of the war as well as his own inner battles over right and wrong. I love that the action paints a vivid picture, it's very easy to see the scene in my head. I'm looking forward to seeing What Connelley does to get away from Captain Beardsley!

Javier Ordonez (Level 2)

It's a good beginning to a longer story, though one that could use a bit of improvement.

The dialogue after the first two pages has a certain rigidness to it — unrelated to the fact there’s a war going on — that seems unnatural. It’s a bit expositional in some places and in other places takes several sentences to say things people would normally combine. As a similar aesthetic note, an abundance of one-sentence paragraphs in the script create a strange visual rhythm (particularly pg. 5) where combining a few would cut the length to match the shooting length and look less disorganized. Nothing desperate, but it would probably read more easily.

There is a fairly strong sense of engaging danger early on in the story which is a strong selling point in any screenplay. But as of the ten page mark, the destination is a bit fuzzy: it seems that Beardsley is the main antagonist and the end goal might be survival/taking care of the (recently orphaned?) girl. From just what's written, it seems like they will have to escape to a safe place, he will have to take her to a relative, or something of the sort; from the logline, it seems that all of this is just backstory to the real narrative about the preacher's guilt from the event.

It would be wise to get to the present faster. Either cut the beginning down and reveal more details later on or, even better, start in the present, establish the goal, then slowly reveal why it's so important as his character is revealed. In either case, it's smart to get to the Now much faster than to go into every nook and cranny of Then; the pacing and story structure will be stronger for it.

Still, it is a fairly strong ten pages.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The dialogue is phenomenal. Something so simple like "Or my sister will have two men to grieve over" just told us how close Baker and Connelly are and that Connelly is in a relationship with his sister, but you didn't say either. Love that.

Come one now man!!! I want the rest! Dang it!

I LOVED it! The dialogue the action, how authentic and crisp it sounded. Wow. Top notch here. Really great work.

So by reading the logline, the little girl is going to die, and Connely is going to become a priest. That all makes sense.

Excellent.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intense and emotional. The Civil War time period provides a lot of visual fodder.
The handful of characters are easy to follow and well defined. Imagine Connelley losing his friend would be impetus enough, but a six-year-old Philomena screaming hysterically from a burning house adds a tremendous amount of tension. The stopping point on page ten doesn't give away that poor Philomena dies in the fire; knowing she's going to die from the logline makes reading those last pages even more heartwrenching.
Might tighten some of the description after Connelley and Baker take off into the woods before they encounter Beardsley. Would think they would spend so much time fleeing that they wouldn't need to converse much either.
Terrific start. Looking forward to reading what happens next. Good luck!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Don't use action words that end in "ing." A script should be written in the present tense positive... "A battle rages." "Another group runs." Everything happens immediately on screen and should be described that way.

Nail down your visuals a little better. "Another group" doesn't tell me who or what I'm seeing. Neither does "PRIVATE FRANCIS is being beaten down..."

A script is a written representation of a product meant to be seen and heard, not read. Write what is happening on screen. Don't write how people feel about each other, what they're thinking, or generalities. Don't tell me what they look like or what they're wearing unless it matters to the story. Don't write what something seems to be... Write specific images, and keep the wording tight and concise.

Your first page is centered on a battle that takes place in an eerie fog. It includes a shot of a mounted officer rallying his troops and a sniper shooting people, apparently from a distance. You might want to change the set up to one way or the other - fog or no fog. Personally, I like the fog mode better. You don't have to write such broad (and expensive to shoot) battle scenes, and you can really build the atmosphere and tension of the story.

"A Confederate soldier is shot. Another Confederate..." When a scene is centered on a character that will only be seen that once, you should probably introduce them in all caps. It makes sense to me because you're going to have to cast the part, but I'm not sure how others would handle it. See if anyone else comments about the same thing.

There's no stated theme, and, if your protagonist's flaw is that he doesn't like killing people, you should rethink the character.

Turn off the MOREs and CONTINUED features on your writing program. The only time it needs to be used is when dialogue is carried from one page to the next, and you should probably avoid that. Dialogue reads more fluidly if it's complete on one page.

Speaking of dialogue, yours needs a lot of work. Everyone sounds the same. Granted, people who are with each other a lot tend to speak with similar wording and cadence, but you're writing about people who are from various social stratum, here. Everything each person says in a period piece has to come from their personality and their class. That takes some research.

One way around dialogue problems is to use less dialogue to tell your story.

What's a "dormant cornfield?"

You didn't end page ten with a very impressive visual. It sort of feels like you ran out of steam and just quit... Take the writing to the point where she throws out the doll out the window and is engulfed in flames (I'm assuming this is where you're taking the scene). It's much more dramatic and compelling to leave the reader there than it is to leave it where you did.

You've opted for a period piece and that's going to be a tough sell because they're expensive to make.

This needs a lot of work... You need to put more time and effort into researching the period, and you need to map this out before you write any more.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Great, atmospheric start.

There's a strange mix of antiquated language and colloquialisms that might be accurate but don't feel authentic (for example: "Move but an inch", then "you gotta move and right now or we’ll both be goners"). You could mix it up slightly and make each character have a distinct way of speaking.

I think Connelly's inner turmoil might be more potent if Beardsley wasn't as obviously completely evil. It is important to keep discipline in a war, and both sides had prison camps that treated captured soldiers badly. It would be scarier to have a villain who we felt sincerely believed that what he was doing was right.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - Your opening scene should be full of violence, both in action and dialogue. You've given nice visuals, but I don't get an emotional reaction from the scene because the action lines and dialogue feel too soft. For example, about Lieutenant Baker you say "His presence alone encourages his troop..." (missing S) and lose an opportunity to have him do or say something that truly inspires his men. Make your characters drive the action. Don't let the story happen in spite of them.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - I can't get a good feel for the characters based on my comments above and below. Even at the end when Connelley sees the young girl trapped in the house, his line of dialogue comes across completely devoid of emotion. It's a tear-jerker moment but it falls flat for me.

Writing style - Look for strong action verbs. You introduce Connelley by saying he "is standing against a tree acting as a sniper, making fast work of his opponents." It's too sterile for the scene. Try something like - "Wedged between a boulder and a thick tree trunk, PRIVATE DAVID CONNELLEY's intense eyes peer into the fog. He leans his cheek onto his rifle stock. He takes a deep breath. Down the length of his barrel, the front sight rises into the trees. He exhales. The sight lowers onto the face of an enemy soldier. BANG. The head explodes." You also use a lot of adjectives which is more telling, not showing.

I can't figure out what you're trying to do with the dialogue. Sometimes it bends toward the formal and then you follow it with phrases that sound to modern day. For me, it detracts from the story because it sounds so out of place.

Craft - Keep verb in the present tense (is raging; soldiers firing; is standing; etc). Watch your punctuation. You're opening line had both errors. It could be "A battle rages on a cold, muddy field", though I'm not sure how we see that it's cold.Lieutenant Baker "who is respected by all he meets" - how would we see this?

Do I want to read more - We not supposed to use the logline in the scoring, but here's my sense - You have a decent idea for a story but you're not quite getting the delivery right. It feels too jumbled and sporadic. Look again at your lines of dialogue. Make sure they are fitting for the characters and the era. Revisit the adjectives and adverbs come up with more dramatic action verbs (in the present tense) to propel this story.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

Page 1 - A battle rages on -- is raging is passive. Another group runs. Lose the "some." Well-equipped Union soliders shoot from their horses.

Page 2 - he doesn't start running away, he just runs away. How do we as the audience/reader know he's reached his breaking point?

Page 3- The confederates flee, not are fleeing.

Okay, here's an exercise I suggest. Much of your script reads as passive, or beginning action. Look for every verb that has: starts to... begins to... is verbing, are verbing -- and rewrite it with active, present tense verbs and see how if it reads better... it should.

Also lose the adverb "tensely" and see if you can come up something more exact and not redundant -- alot of "tensely" things happen in a single page.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

A really nice start to your story. I liked the eerieness of the opening image and the script in general.

The one thing that dragged it down for me was that at times I felt like it had too much exposition in the dialogue.

Good luck with advancing to the next step. I'm pretty sure you will.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Once Beardsley comes on the scene the action really kicks in and the pace flies along.

I like Connelley a lot, I like how religious he is and how difficult he finds all the killing, it really foreshadows him becoming a priest.

Beardsley is very well drawn, an utter beast and I take it this is who your priest will be trying to find for the rest of the film. I do wonder if you'll be able to sustain the plot for 90 minutes and what the conflict will be.

I did find my attention wandering nearer the beginning and some of the dialogue is a little awkward but that could be me just adjusting to the period speak.

I'm interested in reading further. Good job, well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Continued at the end of the page should be removed.
It starts as a beautiful epic war story. Reminded me of Braveheart.
Philomena tragically dies in the flames. That's the inciting incident.
The dialog seems right, action lines written well. I don't see any major flaws.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The hook is powerful, and the introduction to the character is memorable: a skilled sniper knocking off enemies, asking for forgiveness with each one.

You may get busted for a pretty constant stream of passive voice, progressive tense, and adverbs (like "bravely rushes"). I'm not a pedant, but in this case, it noticeably sucks some energy out of the narrative. Some cases are fine ("a dark figure is watching") but many (like the "bravely" case) are unnecessary and even awkward.

The dialogue doesn't quite hit the mark; much of it is expository ("Captain Bearsdley, terror of the 49th"). The forced murder is good, but the little girl's death - nominaly the catalyst for the whole piece - is more of an accident as it stands than a cold-blooded act. And maybe it's a formatting error, but you do have more room on page ten - plenty of room to show the entire tragic death of the little girl.

There's room for improvement, but it's a decent start.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - “runs out of ammunition” - Were typical Civil War guns muzzle, rather than magazine, loaded?

Pg 2 - I like the twist of Connelley leaving the battle.

Pg 3 - “I can’t move.” - He was moving a moment ago?

Pg 7 - It’s heavy drama.

Pg 10 - And as promised in the logline you have a heinous crime and he’s about to get the doll.

This is a solid start, although I have a hesitation over whether several pages of this would ultimately be dropped, because the logline suggests the actual story is about to begin, and that this is really a prologue to it. For me then the big battlefield opening might be unnecessary, since it’s only the approach to the house and what happens there that really impacts the later story.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I like the premise of the story and would like to see how it ends. However, the telling of it has to improve.

First, the war imagery is quite confusing. For example, can a fog be punctuated by the "sight" of bullets flying and also by the "sound" of explosions, all in the same sentence? Then we have a sniper who normally is well hidden and quite a distance from the action but in this case, he is in full view of another soldier who is struggling with a Yankee, which means that the Yankees are all around him. Then we have a Confederate who charges into battle with his bare hands: if you run out of ammo, fix bayonets and charge. You don't drop your rifle. Finally, you don't need to describe Baker as encouraging his soldiers not to give up the fight and then have him say "don't give up the fight". Does a Confederate soldier actually make the sign of a cross? Isn't that a Catholic thing?

When Beardsley meets Baker, they already hated each other. But what is the back story?
I think there was an attempt to craft the language to be historically accurate. For example, use of words like skedaddle. But then there were parts of the dialogue that sounds too modern. There should be a more uniformed feel to the dialogue.

Finally, if your protagonist ran and started a wholesale rout of the COnfederates, don't you think Baker would've been a bit more pissed at him?

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Too much info on the logline. I like the doll angle as it gives the narrative a high-concept hook. Try this: Tormented by his Civil War past, a priest keeps a girl's doll as motivation for vengeance.

I like the action and drama of the first ten pages. The only problem: it is exposition for what's to come. I would have preferred to see action in "the now" which would be ten years later as a priest. Then this section from the war could be exposition that you can push off to Act 2.

However, I'd still read on as I like the concept. Just tighten your logline to take advantage of it.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The first sentence already tells us the central premise of the story (A battle is raging on a cold muddy field), which indicates that, from the logline, they are in the Civil War.

It would be nice if you keep the action lines active instead of passive, because right now, the concept you are presenting to us is cool. All the other action lines are visual and descriptive. This reminds me of a screenplay that I’m writing soon.
The dialogue has good subtext. I can tell that Connelly isn’t interested in the war based on her dialogue.

So we meet Timothy’s daughter, an innocent daughter, who is the inciting incident in the story.

Aw, man, you still had a half of a page to go. Why did you stop now? It think the cliffhanger is like a page turnover. But based on the logline, we already know that he is going to kill her, so you might want to add that anyway. Other than that, everything else looks fine. You set us up with the Civil War, and then you chronologically told us about the little girl, and then Connelly has to make the decision to kill Philomena. Since it’s almost predictable.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

This has the realistic Civil War feel that is often missed or over-dramatized. Cold Mountain was similar in it's historical value. You didn't glamour it up an inch. For that alone I could give you high marks, but I really love your writing style too. I think the dialogue could be brushed up a little more to bring the characters more to life, but you're spot on everywhere else. I'd want to read the rest of this story!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

---
CONNELLEY
I can’t believe my eyes. It’s that
son of a bitch, Captain Beardsley.
---

This feels a bit forced and on the nose.

---
To all the occupants, or better
yet, vermin of this piss hole,
---

Why would he say, "or better yet"? The situation is tense for him to figure out phrase choices.

***

You have quite a bit of room left on page ten so why leave it short like that?

While the start of this is interesting the sequence of events after Beardsley finds them is a bit too quick.

The fight between Baker and Timothy and Beardsley ordering Timothy killed...is a bit cliched and not quite logically motivated.

I see Beardsley as a cruel enough bastard to shoot Timothy.

Connelly, despite being shocked by Baker's death doesn't do anything when this monster talks of finding and killing a child?

Like I said, this whole bit felt quite rushed as compared to the focused opening battle scene and makes me think you're still working out some structure pacing issues with the script.

It's interesting, no doubt, but doesn't seem as ready as some of the other ten pages I've read.

Still, a good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I really liked this very much. The story is great, your characters are good and solid, dialogue is very solid too.

So, what to nit pick at? Here's an example from your script.

His presence alone encourages his troop as they bellow a
communal war cry and race into the unearthly fog.

PRIVATE FRANCIS (19), is being beaten down by a Union
soldier.


The first lines are strong action lines, they are not passive.

The last line is passive, he is being beaten down.

If you went through your script and changed the passive writing to non passive, it would strengthen this script immensely. I do think that it doesn't really matter, if the story is strong enough, and it is, that the passive action lines don't matter too much. I have read lots of scripts that have been produced, lately, and a lot of them write passive, and so there you go.

However, it does feel stronger if you were to write.


PRIVATE FRANCIS (19), battles for his life with a Union Soldier. (or something similar)

Having said that, this is one of best this month, the story gets you pulled in right away, and I'm feeling a lot of sympathy for your main character, and his predicament.

I want MORE!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This looks like it's going to be a really good story, and I enjoyed the first ten pages a lot. Connelly is a very interesting character and Beardsley is a dastardly bad guy. (I hope we see more of him in the remainder of the script.

But I think you could tighten up your writing a bit. For example, you use the passive voice quite a bit. "The gun is knocked out of Timothy's hand." (By who?) "A shot is heard." (By who?) Not a big deal, but (in my opinion) it sounds more professional if you can avoid routine use of the passive voice.

You also have some stuff that is not "filmable". For example: "LIEUTENANT TOBIAS BAKER (22), a dashing Confederate with spectacles who is respected by all he meets,..." How will you show that to the movie audience? Or, "His presence alone encourages his troop..." Again, how will you show us that? Or, "A bullet flies through the air with the intended aim at Baker’s head." How will we know that? If those things are important, you need to find a way to describe them for us in your script. Show, don't tell.

Those are all easily fixable things, though, and the bottom line is that you have a very intriguing story here, and you've done a very good job setting it up in your first ten pages.

My score: Very Good.

Van Atanasov (Level 2)

To start off, I really liked the descriptions of the battle and the shooting at the house, they had just the right amount of detail, very image-evoking. Very good style. As far as the story is concerned, one thing that bothered me was Baker using the line "Don't you think there has been enough blood spilled..." trying to reason with the so-called "terror of the 49th", while refusing to carry out his orders. Trying to convince the guy doesn't seem like a very sensible thing to do.
I felt like I needed more detail of Connelley's reaction to his friend's death (some small visual detail maybe, similar to the way he leans against the wall after killing Timothy)
I can't find anything else to criticize. I found it very compelling to read and think it will make for a good opening of the film.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2012 12:07 AM

Oh... my... goodness....

ARE THEY FLIPPING INSANE?! I have to read the comments... What kind of people are voting on Moviepoet? I hope you've finished this, and please send it over to me so I can read the rest. This possibly could have been my favorite out of the bunch.

Excellent, excellent work. You are a great writer.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2012 12:29 AM

I loved it too - my favorite this month!

Kelley Allen (Level 3) ~ 6/8/2012 10:33 PM

Thank you kindly to everyone for taking the time to critique my ten-pager, THE DOLL. I actually finished the full script and now working on the rewrite.

A few comments: I did indeed condensed the first 25 pages of my feature length for my ten-pager MP entry. Many of you mentioned that my ten-pager felt rushed and you are correct. There was a lot more story about Connelley, Baker and Beardsley that supports both their rapport and personality clashes.

PASSIVE VOICE: I gotta say, I had no idea that the passive voice was such a bad black mark in the Craft. I (playfully) admonished my scriptwriting teacher for never mentioning the importance of using the active voice in screenwriting.

In any case, live and learn!

If anyone is interested in reading the full script of THE DOLL, I would be delighted to send it to you and if you are so included, would love your feedback since I am keen to rewrite this beast.

Once again, I appreciate your comments, insights and opinions and look forward to more MP fun in the near future.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 6/8/2012 10:48 PM

I hope you continue to write this. It made me want to read the rest of it from the first ten pages I read.

David Serra (Level 4) ~ 6/13/2012 7:20 PM

This is an awesome script and I would love to read the full thing, please.