Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Loved how you built up the suspense, but nothing stood out from any other heist story. There wasn't anything... unique about it. I wanted you to add a different twist. A clever new way for Drake to get to the security room, not just a distraction in the lobby.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Title: the name of the protagonist. I guess that is what this short is about. It is a character sketch of Drake, a badass criminal. First we see every one is afraid of him and in the end we see him clobber the police force.

Nice use of mug shot and security cameras. You had security cameras hanging everywhere and eventually it started to feel forced to me.

Others will mention this too; you have many passive sentences, you use the verb "to be" a lot and it is considered better if you remove these. Not that I mind, personally, but thought I'd mention it.

I like the clever trick, Drake covers his tracks with the video footage, in a world where everything is taped.

You tried to squeeze a lot into these five pages, it has a constant high pace without pause, and the constant switching of cameras made it a choppy read for me as it kept pulling me out of the story.

It also left me with unanswered questions; Who was John Drake, and why was every one afraid of him, how was he able to contact the people outside to get them to rescue him, how did he know of their plan, where did they conveniently get the tapes they used at the end?

Protagonist/antagonist-wise, Drake is the protagonist (I guess). His problem; he got caught during a bank robbery. He manages to break from prison successfully. The police are his antagonists. Drake succeeds due to his badass-ness. I wasn't rooting for Drake yet though, I didn't know enough about him to start caring for him. The antagonists felt weak, Drake was clearly superior in strength and clobbered the police force. It makes your protagonist feel stronger if he's up against bigger antagonists.

Giving this a GOOD.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

There was alot of story in five pages. Sometimes I was trying to keep up wit what was what but got the message. Overall, this was ambitious.

What I'm not sure about was the scene with drake at the beginning and the two with prisoners afterwards. They didn't seem core to the script just tried to give Drake some aura. I'm not wholly sure the two went together with the main sort of the bank robery.

FF is really difficult and I didn't try, so well done for that, but whilst this may not be true, I feel as if FF has to have a reason why it's put together, after all it is found footage. Why would someone assemble this collection of different FF clips?

One last point, if drake is changing the tapes, how do we know what happens or that he is doing this? Wouldn't he have changed those?

All the best.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Dude, you set-up this Drake character and don't tell me why he's such a badass. The law and security want him, criminals are afraid of him, and you don't really give the reader any idea why. Such a tease. Anyway, I like parts of the story; I kind of wished there was more to it. Great job tackling this month's goal. It doesn't look like it was easy. The story can be a bit confusing, but I'm sure that's my own reading comprehension. The story starts with Drake being processed to him holding up a bank to cops questioning about him. So, I really couldn't make out your timeline. It didn't really make sense with your story, or maybe I'm missing something. The final action line could use some work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I can visualise your opening scene from your description. Good job.

I thought this was very good, though I couldn't quite follow the interviewing of consecutive criminals and I wasn't sure what happened in the bathroom and why the apologetic body language.

I don't feel you need ANGLE ON

Characters need to be capitalised when they first appear

Please drop the CONTINUEDs

Why the italics in dialogue?

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This one was a bit confusing. Drake appears to be in a holding cell and out of the picture so to speak. all of a sudden on p4, he's in the picture and I have no idea how that transition occurred. You set up nicely that this guy Drake is a bad ass but when the pay-off comes it seems like he's a run of the mill bad-ass rather than a special type of bad-ass. I suggest having him do something unusual and unexpected rather than just the tired old kill the security guards rendition.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

The parallel story lines were jarring for me. I think if you eliminate the stuff in the jail and focus on the bank robbery this would work much better. The writing itself is proficient, just some some sentence structure issues when you initial setup the bank.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Thoroughly Confusing.

Camera Work.
1) don't mix camera directions with stage directions.
2) tag the camera directions. Just like you did ANGLE ON and TITLE CARD-- do that consistently and it becomes formatting (just like a slugline means scene change-- a tag to start the line means camera direction)
3) don't mention what we can't see. (a phone call OS? then tell us the SOUNDS not who's doing the dialing-- that puts the image of him dialing in my head)

Whats Going On?
1) the Jailhouse. why is this important? anytime they bring up Jake, that's when you cut away-- so why show it all? (I'll take the Sec. Guard's word for it, the way they're panicky about getting an id on him.)
2) the bank. To call the cops or not to call-- that is the question.
3) dialogue. too much talk about nothing-- not once does anybody speak about Jake, what might happen, or why they're looking for him. (I do like how you explained the sec. footage at the bank-- more of that please.)
4) Um.. what's that last bit with the tapes? A little late for a cover-up AFTER the crime has been captured-- but a potentially cheap-o (no special effects) ending, switching our view-cam to the prerecorded vid.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

So the beginning is when he got arrested for something before? I'm a little confused at the order of events. Also I think you could have done without cutting to the other inmates in the prison. I think staying with the bank and the security cameras being your only camera would have made it more intriguing, just have more mind games being played by Drake. It would also make more of an impact with the red splattering on the black a white screen.

David Serra (Level 4)

The name of the camra's should be at the back of the headings. For instance "INT. HOLDING CELL - SECURITY CAMERA" would be at the beginning.

Also you don't need (continued) at the tops and bottoms of the pages. You can turn these off.

You should introduce the COP that Roddie is talking to you in a sentance and FADE OUT shout be used on the bottom of the last page.

The script in general is well-written and neatly formated. Few grammical errors and well setup.

As for the story in general... This seems like it would make a good thriller as told through the views of different cameras in the world. Good job!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Good job. This is the first entry I've read and I got caught up in wondering if it fits the rules to say he spoke to Don or called on his cell phone, since we can't see that on the film. Then I got caught up in the action and just sailed through the rest of the script. Wonderful commentary on our video obsessed world, that these guys are so obsessed with watching the video to do their job, that they don't do their job and get taken by the guy not on screen. I also was surprised, didn't see it coming, yet it made perfect sense as it happened.

I'm a little confused by the scenes in the prison. I don't know if you are jumping back and forth in time, but I have to assume you are. the writing itself is great and nothing detracts. Very well done.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Very good story idea. However, the technical side was a little rough. After your slug, you need another line in all caps that establishes the shot like SEEN THROUGH SECURITY CAMERA. It makes it easier to establish what we are looking through rather than inserting it into your text lines.

You also got repetitive with your action lines. For example, at the end you show that the two security guards got 3 bullets in them, obviously implying they are dead. But one paragraph down you say "Don and Clark are dead on the floor"... we already know this. Work on trimming the action lines.


All the cutting and lack of understanding of what we, the readers, were actually looking through made this a very slow and complicated read. Writing found footage isn't easy! I'm still giving this a Good though.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I'm not so sure that you remained 100% faithful to the found footage rule there at the end, kind of felt like you cheated a little bit to me. But I enjoyed the story. Writing wise it was good. No huge errors that I could point out.

The only thing I can really point out that I felt could have been done a little bit better was the ending. It didn't seem like a huge twist to me, the scenes with Roddie and Millard in the prison cell seemed like they opened a door and I expected something from them to come back and play into the ending. When the ending came and went I felt like that door you had opened was still there waiting to be closed. I'm also completely lost as to the significance of Drake putting the cassette into the monitor and the whole just another day at the bank thing. Even after coming back after a few weeks and reading the script again I don't get it because the guards are dead, who is the videotape for?

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Overall good script. It stayed within the guidelines of telling a story through the camera. Off screen dialogue was ok not great. Good dialogue helps build a strong view of the characters. Though the end was predictable the story was believable.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I would suggest that the second slug line, INT. SECURITY ROOM - DAY, be redefined to let the reader know the scene is a bank. Perhaps. INT. BANK - SECURITY ROOM - DAY.

The first time the SUSPECT is introduced, his character should be named in capital letters, SUSPECT. I was confused because of this.

Be careful of pronoun confusion. The first dialog reads: “That's him, isn't it? Drake.” Consider instead, “That's Drake, isn't it?”

The CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

The word CELL was used for a CELL PHONE and a PRISON CELL. Be sure to refrain just calling something CELL because it is confusing. (Example: page 2, “Clark is on his cell.”

Page 3. FADE IN on the same image. What image? I wasn't sure what the writer was talking about.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

This wasn't one of my favorite scripts and I ask myself why.

It feels overwritten and wordy.
DRAKE, 40s, clean shaven, relaxed, a wicked smile and beady eyes, leans against a brick wall.
Same info in much less words makes for an easier, more engaging read.

As a screenwriter, you are in complete control. Make use of this power and don't overwrite.

Three or four customers - (which is it?)

Dialogue - doesn't feel natural and flowing. Millard's wise cracks didn't work for me.

Your main action scene happens at the very end. This makes the opening and development
of your storyline lack engaging tension.

Hope some of this criticism (hopefully not too harsh) is helpful.
Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

I wanted to know why Drake put in an old tape in the player instead of just destroying the current tape. "Just another day at the bank" made me feel like "hey no big deal" which isn't a note the script needs to end on.

Jack Meadowcroft (Level 1)

I'm sorry that this won't be a constructive piece of criticism or praise, because I am inexperienced in this field and only hope to gain knowledge and understanding of this skill by reading posts, scripts sent in and eventually enter competitions to see if I am, at all, good enough.

I thought this was a good; I was reading it with intrigue about the main character, Drake. I don't know how many pages this had to be but I would have liked to seen a bit more depth in why he's feared by the other inmates - or maybe I missed something about that.

Either way, I liked this and just basically wanted to read more!

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 2
Story: 3
Originality: 3
Action: 4
Dialogue: 4
Readability: 3

I didn't really care for this one. It was a lot of dialogue about a guy who might be or might not be Drake. Then people die.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I totally enjoyed reading your script, thanks for the read. I don't know what to improve on here, I loved the script and I don't know much about FF to comment on the usage of the camera. The narration worked. Nice characters, and great flow. I was a bit lost, had to read twice but no big deal.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think the idea of this one is good but you’ve made it way too complicated in the script. Perhaps this is a case of something being clearer once it’s filmed, but I had to reread a few times to really make sure I understood. I’m not exactly certain that found footage is the best style for this story…seemed like you had to make several sacrifices of clarity to stick with the concept so maybe now that the contest is over, you could do a rewrite for clarity sake and pick the best way to tell this story.

Dialogue was quite good. Very natural.

Giving a fair.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing premise. Really did wonder what Drake was doing. Watching the security monitor with Clark and Don is an interesting angle.
The narrative might need some streamlining. Angle On, OS, continued, and the mid-story fade out and fade in slowed down the read somewhat. Had trouble deciphering "off screen someone DIALS a cell phone."
Not entirely sure when Drake's in the holding cell in the first scene. It seems he's posing for mug shots facing the camera, "then both profiles," and the scene ends with him holding a sign with his name. He's leaning against a wall in the cell, but the next scene he's in the bank.
According to the ending, the bank wasn't held up. Drake inserts a videocassette "into a slot," and the lobby appears as "Just another day at the bank." May be reader error, but it's confusing. Sorry.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title's good.

Turn off the MOREs and CONTINUED feature of your writing program. It wastes space, it's distracting, and it isn't necessary anymore.

Your opening is confusing. Is he in the holding cell or is he getting his mug shots taken? Is he remembering getting his mug shots taken?.. And why start from this point? It doesn't fit the rest of the story. He's this super criminal that other criminals don't want to mess with. What's he doing in jail? If it doesn't relate to any other part of the story, don't put it in.

I don't understand the ending, either. What's the point of killing the guards? And why would Drake assume that they haven't called the police already? Setting up a "just another day at the bank" ending to cover the robbery doesn't make sense.

You write "monitor" and I see a video screen instead of a camera view. Explaining what and where the camera is uses a lot of space. Try making the camera part of the location, instead. Something like "INTERROGATION ROOM CAMERA," "SECURITY ROOM CAMERA 1," "BANK LOBBY CAMERA," etc. Then each camera would pop up on your Smart Type box and you could pick the one you want. It would eliminate a lot of the explaining.

Write visuals, and I don't think you need to go black and white with these. With the right lighting, these could film in shades of gray until there was a close shot like the blood. You could amp up the contrast in the editing process.

The biggest problems I see with this story is that it needs more pages to get everything in, and it needs to be more focused. If you do a rewrite, either cut the story to fit on five pages, or expand the page count so you can flesh this out.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like that, because there are no cameras in the bathroom, we (and the characters) can't tell what's going on.

"The camera SNAPS a series of photos of Drake. First he faces into the camera, then both profiles."
Is this still in the holding cell, or is this a mug-shot?

"ANGLE ON: A security monitor."
Are we watching the monitor or the footage on the monitor?

When the cop is talking to the prisoners, he talks like a movie cop would, not a real person. If he wanted them to talk, would he really say "Shut up. None of your business"? It is Millard's business, because he's being asked about it.

"The only color displayed throughout."
This is a nice visual detail, but doesn't have the same impact on the page. I don't think you need to draw attention to it because you've already clearly established the footage is all black and white, and you've already capitalized "SHARP RED".

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

I like the TITTLE .

I liked the way you go that didn't show Don and Clark till end of the film.
I think this script from that kind of film that you should tell the audience about Architecture of the place,
But in my idea it doesn't have perfect first plot,

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The final visual with the 'splash of red' blood after all the B&W is striking.

I'm not really sure what was going on though. Drake was arrested and then it's him people are looking for and he's the suspect at the bank pulling a heist - I wasn't sure if this was before or after the arrest and it didn't make sense - unless you were going backwards but I don;t see what the point was if you were.

It's an original idea amidst all the zombie stuff so kudos for that but I found it hard to envisage - a lot of detail and yet unclear as to what the 'footage' is. For example your description in the security room is very detailed but it took me ages to realise what we were seeing. The 'ANGLE ON' threw me. Or maybe I'm just tired.

It seems very slow and lacked a punch or a hook for me.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The robbery is visceral and thrilling; we know something's going wrong, but can't place our finger on it. The cutaways to the prisoner interviews do a good job of setting up Drake as a character no one's going to cross.

They say that, but in the end, I can't really see why everyone's so terrified of this guy. I actually can't really figure the whole thing out at all. Somehow, he's switched the tapes, sowing confusion. I don't see how he's done it, or why, after everything is accomplished, does he feel the need to switch back to the first tapes. After all, who's watching now that needs to be fooled?

It's well written, but the action and character need to be clarified; I feel like I'm missing something.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The story in this is simple and effective. Security guards do their job so badly that they get robbed.

The prison part of it seemed unrelated and I'm not sure I got a sense of who any of the character were.

It feels like a bit of a forced found footage contrivance to have the security guards speak completely unseen. The bits in the prison also didn't make much sense as filmed scenes. The result of this was that for me I found it hard to go along with the flow of the story.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I liked the "is it him" suspense.

The problem I had was the use of the camera. It felt like there was really no reason to tell the story via a camera angle. The short would have worked without it.

Also, I didn't get interview scenes with the inmates. I know that the author was using these interview scenes to build up Drake's character, but IMHO it was lazy exposition. Somewhere in the Internet, I've read that Mamet wrote something about a scene where two characters talk about a third character not in the scene. Usually, these scenes are unnecessary. I think this short would work even without these interview scenes.

In fact, if the author was going for found footage, it's better to keep all the filming in the bank and not use the interview scenes.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The twist was sad. A bank gets robbed frequently. Cops fail to locate the robbers, including Drake. This story is a little different, but sad. The only problem I have is how did the cops find out about the robbery? Did the guards inform the cops in the security room before the story took place? These are just small questions don’t need answering. Other than that, everything else looks fine. In addition, although the readers understand that the bank has been robbed frequently, it would be hard for the viewers to see this. This is due to the very last sentence, which is telling. I was also wondering if Drake is the same robber who robs the same bank, or is it by different people?

The description and pacing are tight. It’s an easy read. I will admit that your writing is more economic than the other scripts in this screenplay. I can see the entire storyline in one. We also have an understand of what the story is. At least, I do.

The dialogue is lean and clean. Each character have distinctive voices. They just don’t add enough subtext. Either way it goes, the dialogues are fine.

I’ve spend enough time with the characters. We know their basic motivation to track down the robber. They want to protect the bank, basically. Your characters are descriptive. I have nothing else to critique here.

Overall, I think this is a good read.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

I got a bit lost, but now I get it. Good story. Security peeps always get nailed lol.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

---
FADE IN on the same image.
TITLE CARD: Five minutes later.
---

Not quite sure this works well to support the idea of a narrative shown from a camera's perspective. It realy feels forced and makes it seem like you had no option.

The premise has a cliched twist and I've seen something similar twice already in the contest so far. Also, though Drake is supposed to be this enigma, he doesn't really come across as one.

It also becomes a bit problematic never seeing your camera monitoring guys and just hearing their frantic dialog. It reads like a radio play in that sense.

The technical details get a bit over-powering and do make me feel quite lost at times, and while the idea here is deecent, I feel it needs more breathing room, for a longer short or even feature.

In fact, this feels like a teaser or opening scene to a feature.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

You have an interesting story here, and a nice little surprise for us at the end. But it was a hard slog to get there. I was very confused a lot of the time, and I had to constantly re-read passages to remind myself who was who and to figure out who was doing what (and why).

I think part of the problem is this: your story got a little lost trying to make the "found footage" mechanisms work. We watch a lot of stuff on cameras that probably wouldn't happen that way in real life, e.g., when the cops talk to the prisoners trying to get information about Drake. Why are we watching that on a camera? And the whole set-up in the bank is awkward. Because they're doing everything via camera, it requires lots of cell phone calls and switching back and forth between this monitor and that monitor and unnecessary explanations of all these logistics, all of which detract from your story. In the end, it's difficult to see the forest for the trees.

I did enjoy reading your script, though, but I think it was a little mired down by the requirements of the contest.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

This felt more like a scene from a feature, rather than a self contained short. I don't think the found footage technique lends itself well to this kind of thing, a lot of the camera POV footage seemed contrived and didn't really lend anything of value to the piece.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

A bit jumbled at times, but fairly good. Obvious set up that this Drake is a bad guy, a really bad guy, however, we have no idea why he's so bad. Sure, he shot two people in a robbery, but shootings are not so shocking these days; it's what else he's done that makes him so much more intriguing.

By jumbled, I mean that it starts off with Drake in a cell room, then switches to a security monitor, and then switches back to another cell room with a different prisoner. If each section were instead to have it's own place, I think it would've been easier to follow. Then again, there is always that chance that you wanted everything to be jumbled as it is. Not too sure, but, nonetheless, those are my thoughts.

I also found the dialogue to be a bit rough, nothing to special about it, sometimes even a little awkward. Not the typical conversation someone would be having.

All in all, I still enjoyed it. GOOD.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The story was okay but I found it a little hard to follow. It was also difficult for me to connect with the characters, they talked a lot and I wasn't feeling much of the suspense or urgency needed for the plot to work.

Comments Made After the Contest