Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Loved the suspense. Is he right? Is he delusional? But what I didn't like is that you didn't explain anything. What happened to him? Is he just space-sick? That was my guess, but I wanted you to find a way to assure me. Also I wanted The "Dan" set-up to pay off. I didn't like that you used that scene just to make us relate to the Clifford. But over all, well done. You muster all aspects of the screenwriting craft.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

When this started off the misplaced commas were a distraction, as well as the untitled first dialogue ( you needed to have a character(s) for this) and I had low expectations. In the end I thought this was well done, simple and compelling. The use of the camera in this setting is one of the best I have come across, real, appropriate and clear.

There is a kind of end and we see the mans decent but I almost wished for a darker, less understood ending. For example, a final arguement, he switches off the camera and all we hear is desperate requests from flight - we all fear the worse and the 600 is not acheieved.

Well done.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I enjoyed that story. I felt the scene that took place with his wife was unnecessary to the rest of your story. The story did have a Space Odyssey feel to it. The story has a nice bit of mystery to it. There are a few grammar mistakes, but not enough to kill for me. Good job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Well done with following the brief. While it was a good story, I didn't feel empathy towards the characters for some reason. Perhaps it was because you flicked from scene to scene and there was no chance to get to know them?

It was a good portrayal of a descent into insanity.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I like the way you presented a descent into madness, subtle at first and gradually becoming more serious. However, the story had very little undulation, it was a staight line into madness. You need more twists and turns to make this gripping and special.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

"So do I look like the floating dead?" That's funny. Very subtle reveals to the commanders downward spiral into Space Dementia (just like Ren and Stimpy, right?) A nice quick read. Good stuff I liked it.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Once the script gets settled on this being an infection it really gets interesting.

--Before Galen 'appears' sick (the interview with the wife, the stolen food);
It's sloppy. The story has no momentum. What was special about day 473. And the 600 days? And why are we in zero-gravity space?

--After Galen 'appears' sick; (I've forgotten all about the 600 goal-- what's going on!)
The Captian looks like he's going insane, but without Galen/crew giving us any extra input he's credible-- I think the sooner you make us doubt his account of events the better (plus you've got this actor-Galen put him to work)

I don't think the one-camera POV is the best way to tell this story. Not when you have the Earth-bound crew puzzling over the situation in-real time.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I would have much rather have seen more footage of what the two men were actually doing on the ship so we could better determine as an audience if they were actually infected with something. I see what you were trying to do here but the one camera made it very one dimensional and the scene with Clifford and his wife on the camera was useless and didn't anything to the story except MAYBE she MIGHT have an affair- that's certainly not enough for him to go nuts over.

Darren Lalonde (Level 1)

This one didn't really do it for me. I felt as if I'd already seen this film (The Moon) and therefore didn't enjoy it. It fitted the theme of the competition well, but just seemed like a summation of 'The Moon' for me. The title was good and the characters good, but just felt it lacked originality.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Okay, I'm going to get a bit picky here. The title cards , One reads "Day 437" the next reads "475 days". Wouldn't 'Day 475' be better? Also, Clifford and Galen may say say the exact things together, but there is no character slug for either of them at the start and, even so it should be dual dialog. And "yeah!" will do. You don't have to mis-spell words for pronouncination emphasis. I consider that telling the actor(s) how to say thier lines, even in unison.

Clifford talks to Valarie via screen. I noted that he never calls her by her first name. I noted that she's O.S. I don't know her age. So that means we can't see her, correct? Interesting that this is a 'found footage; challenge. Webcams work both ways don't they? In any case, how do "I know" it's Valerie, and how do I know it's Cliff's wife?

There seems to be some sort of alien parasite on board that has infected Galen and Clifford and they slowly decompse while being alive (?) as with most of the other entries this month, I think this ff entry suffers from length. Way too short and calls out for a little more footage, just enough to grab attention at least.

David M Troop (Level 4)

I liked this one.

I liked that you set this in a space station. Very claustrophobic. Escape is not an option.

So, is Clifford suffering from cabin fever and imagining things, or is Galen really infected with some space virus? I'll say Clifford is going insane.

You do a good job at creating suspense. Clifford slowly loses his grip and becomes more paranoid as the days count toward 600.

Your final scene is very good. I love the image of the floating blood.

VERY GOOD

David Serra (Level 4)

Yikes! That was scary.

However I personally would of liked to know what happened to Clifford's wife and what affected the two astronauts.

As is I give this a Fair.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Good idea for a short, although I'm still unsure of what really happened. Was it paranoia? Or was it a real infection?

Kinda reminded me of last year's Apollo 18.

Effective use of the found footage tool. I could clearly see what we were looking at.

My only complaint was a lot of the dialog felt on the nose. Otherwise, good job!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I don't know. I feel like there just wasn't any substance here... Maybe I just don't get it but I don't see a point at all. I think you tried to stretch out the time span way way too much. I just don't feel like there was any real story here, just some scenes that are thrown together to try and shock me or something.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I'm not a fan of these kinds of stories but this entry was well written. The plot did not feel original to me. Good command of the screenwriting format.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

In all honesty I wasn't engaged or entertained by reading your screenplay and I ask myself why this was. The dialogue didn't ring true. Two men shouting - All the way, 600 days! just doesn't sound very adult or professional to me. The story hints at possible infidelity on the wife's part (or jealousy on the man's part) and then this leads is completely dropped. Then missing the birth of his baby, an illness. All this seems very unfocused and meaandering. The ending doesn't seem quite scary enough to rise to the level of a successful horror story and the sci-fi theme doesn't feel fresh or innovative. You've written what is expected, no new territory. I didn't relate to any of the characters or feel concern when things started to go terribly wrong for them.

My suggestion - Build a stronger personal dimension. Hook the audience with quirky or interesting personalities so that we care about them. Fill out their personalities. What makes them human - their strengths/their weaknesses. Give us something to care about.

I sincerely hope some of this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The conflict was hard to get excited about since it was a conflict of one. The gradual deterioration was nicely done. An actor would relish this role.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is okay but doesn't tell us much going in.
Craft - your craft is mostly good.
Dialogue - the dialogue is a bit hard to follow but I see why you did it this way.
Actions lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - I like the story but I think the slow slide into insanity would be better in a longer script. It just seems too quick in five pages.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

I think it was a good job for being as short as it was, and seeing the characters go from being happy and excited about reaching 400 days to Galen growing increasingly distant and ill was interesting. I wish I knew what precisely it was that he had or had caught? It's difficult to say in the length allottted. I almost want to assume it involved the strawberrty jam somehow, and one always wonders about cabin fever. Whatever it was, seems its purpose was to drive Clifford crazy to to the point that he's dethroned (and possibly dead). I wonder what happens to a bleeding man in a space station. It would have been cool to see more of things from Galen's point of view, but I guess it was probably deliberate that we didn't. Only he knows what's going on.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 7
Originality: 5
Action: 4
Dialogue: 6
Readability: 8

I liked this one. It built a good amount of tension and it was written well for the most part.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

For me your script consists of two parts: him and his wife (which didn't have an ending, I'd say) and him fighting Galen and his infection. The end of it is pretty great - "I think I got it out", very smart thing to say. Somewhat funny too.
I just wish it was all about him, Galen and his infection.
I liked their conversation, felt very natural.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This type of story and story telling device works quite well…which may be your real handicap: this feels like it’s been done before. It was a bit hard for me to discern the tone of this from the script as written: is this supposed to come off as a comedy or thriller? It just feels a little trapped in between point of views. I think the craft here is excellent and it really moves; it just doesn’t resolve in a way that is uniquely satisfying for me. I kept screaming for a twist that never came.

Giving a good

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A psychological thriller about an astronaut who flips out in space is an interesting story idea.
Might trim here and there. The relevance of neighbor Dan casts some good doubt, seemingly nudging an unstable Clifford closer to the edge. It's not entirely clear why Galen becomes the victim; perhaps that's the point. Clifford is becoming more unhinged and Galen's accessible.
May need to clarify some terms -- CPOD and EVA are unfamiliar. Also might streamline the dialogue a bit if Surgeon Macker's remark about replacing Surgeon Dimes is omitted.
The title fits, but might want to consider something stronger and more visual.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't really care for your title. It's not very descriptive, and it's a little clunky to say. I understand where it comes from, though.

Watch your spacing. You often follow a comma immediately with the next word. That makes for a choppy read.

You might want to start with a description of what the camera sees, then add the static blinks so the audience knows they're seeing this through the lens of a camera. Maybe start with their faces, eyes focused on the same thing, and use dual dialogue for the countdown.

The countdown line should be dialogue. That would go well with the above suggestion, too. All together you'd be establishing that two astronauts have just broken the record for days in space, and you can follow that with the celebration and the dialogues that tells the viewer their next goal. The current record, though, is 437.7 days. That's longer than the the record you have them breaking.

Ending a scene with the Flight Director's dialogue about the president is NOT FAIR! I want in on that! Don't bring him into it or give him something to say.

The dialogue with Valerie needs some work. When she says "say hello to Angie" and Clifford says he can't wait to hold her, I started doing the math because it sounds like Angie's a newborn. If she is a newborn, the dialogue would be TOTALLY different, because there'd be no way he's the father. If she isn't a newborn, make it perfectly clear that she's at least six or seven months old. Any younger and there could still be the possibility that Clifford is not the father. NASA wouldn't make him wait that long to see his daughter, either.

If this is the first time he's seeing his daughter, amp up the emotions.

Try to bring some consistency into the timing of the recordings. You're jumping a month, a day, a couple of days, a couple of days more. There isn't a pattern to it at all.

If these astronauts are American, NASA would be on top of their mental health every day...

I'm wondering how much you researched this. You've set it in the present or near present time, but you've got the astronauts jumping up and down as if there were a center of gravity within the ship, and the record they're breaking is less than the actual present day record.

I was in a retired space shuttle, and they're scary small inside. I was in a mock up of the space station, and it's not a lot bigger. I was in the observation gallery of command central at the Johnson Space center, and they NEVER stop watching what's happening on a flight. They're quiet during designated sleep times, but command is still there watching. Satellites are positioned globally to insure continuous communications.

You need to establish where, when and who these guys are. You need to get your facts down or amp up the sci-fi aspect of the story so you're in control of the world you're creating. This could be really good with just a little work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was pretty cool...the writing was expert. The story was interesting...I like how it unfolded. The ending fell a little flat for me though. After enjoying the build up I guess I expected a bit more of a bang. But it was good.

Very good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is an interesting set-up. I like how, by only showing us the room through one camera, you can simulate the characters' isolation. It's just a really creepy situation, because we know there's no-one around that can help them.

The flight director saying "Sweet Jesus", to me at least, undermined the seriousness of the situation. I think just "What have you done?... I'm relieving you of command" would be enough.

I like how you leave the truth ambiguous. That's another benefit of the good use of the found footage device (i.e. it didn't feel like you were just crowbarring a story into fitting the contest requirements).

Excellent.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

I liked the tittle.

About story,its good,stranger script than others in this contest,
I like the situation that shown in this contest,
and how CLIFFORD do about what happening around him,

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

The craft here was good, but parts of the story didn't work for me. The astronauts struck me as 6 year olds at the beginning when they were bouncing and counting. I suspect that this would come off ok on screen, but here it struck me as odd.

There were some acronyms used that I didn't know and some of the dialog seemed a little clunky.

Overall the story was pretty good, though it seems like I have seen it before. I liked the blood globules image at the end.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is very similar to the film 'Moon' and I like it a lot.

It's well paced and even though things aren't made clear we can sense that something dire is going on. I really like how you start with them both bouncing around and in high spirits and then this slowly falls apart.

Cliffprd's suspicious nature is nicely foreshadowed with the line about the neighbour saying 'hi'.

This:

"I had to find the source. Needed to
cut him open. But I tell you, it's
cunning. Very cunning. I couldn't find
it anywhere."

is marvellous dialogue. Totally sent shivers up and down my spine, very creepy.

My only quibble would be the way you introduce some of the characters who we can't see. because you give them introductions such as Valerie, his wife, we get a mental image but we can't see them so I think the scene should go straight into their dialogue off-screen.

Well done.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

A creepy tale of space madness. I was wondering how the new neighbor and the potential zombie were going to fit together, but it became clear pretty quickly after about page three. Ah, the effects of confinement on the weak mind.

It could be a little clearer. Even a note about how Galen "seems fine" would help - when he shows up, I'm expecting that Clifford's prognosis is correct, and Mission Control are the dolts. It took me a moment to shift gears. It's also hard to understand what is real and how certain delusions of Clifford's have come to pass. The nose bleed is the biggest issue - did it really happen? If not, where'd the blood come from? If so, maybe someone should offer up an explanation that nosebleeds are common. Your audience is probably at sea with the effects of microgravity (and this is coming from a guy who extensively researched the effects of microgravity on human beings for a play) so you have to be clear. Also, some of the more explosive reactions are a bit campy - "Sweet Jesus!" "Thanks goodness!" These guys are astronauts, probably air force veterans. Drop an F-bomb.

It's a good idea, and fairly well written; it just needs a bit of a rewrite.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a clean story that works okay. It reminded me of the script for Apollo 18, which is not one of the better ones I’ve read.

I’m not sure to what extent this works as found footage, because I don’t know who would find this footage as it stands. The people on the ground would have to selectively edit their footage to put this together.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I liked this one. I could have sworn I've seen this type of scenario somewhere.

I didn't get why the wife was shown early on. I thought the author inserted that scene to show how Clifford gets jealous or starts suspecting something going on. However, nothing came of it. I think the script works even without the wife scene.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

A group of space attendants breaking the record of staying in space while Clifford is affected by a CDOP. Does he have Chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy? I’m not sure what it is. The surprise twist where Clifford gets fired and is the one dying from it worked. I just feel that the story is forced when the Commander fired him and felt it hard to believable that the commander to not know that he is sitting next to someone with CDOP. I hope you can clear this up, after I read this a few times.

The action lines are visual. You gave us enough information about the setting in the spacecraft. The title card tells us how long they have been on the spacecraft, which worked. As the story progressed, we can see that Clifford is in poor condition. He gets bonnier each day, probably because of the CDOP. But like I said, I don’t know what that is. The descriptions did turn out visual.

The dialogue is real because we get a sense that these astronauts are experts at this and know what they are talking about. The dialogue looks like they’re in a real situation and it doesn’t occur to be false. We can also hear these characters sitting next to us, or they speak in a real movie.

I’m not sure what their motives were to live in space. These characters done something that has been done constantly. They have done things in space other people has done in other movies. These characters are likable except for the commander who fired Clifford. I just wish I could spend more time with them, since I don’t know what their motives are.

Overall, good work.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I love horror done well and this is one of the best I've read at MP. IT reminds me a bit of "Alien" but the camera perspective would actually make this an easy short to shoot, with some basic efx and production design.

Loved it!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great idea for a story -- an astronaut going nuts during a prolonged stay in space. Very plausible. Very eerie. (And very claustrophobic.)

But it seems like what you've written here is just the beginning of a story. Just the set-up. It's what happens next that could be really interesting. To just have Clifford kill himself (which is what appears to be happening here) seems like the easy way out -- oops, I ran out of pages, so Clifford's gonna kill himself. No! We want more!

And you could have easily bought yourself a little more space. You wasted almost a page on the video call with his wife. You set up a little tension there (is she cheating with Dan?), but that went nowhere, so why not delete it? (Unless it's supposed to be a contributing factor to Clifford's mental instability. But you don't really need that -- 500+ days in space would be enough to explain it.)

Anyway, I think you have a great idea here, but it seems like only part of a longer story. I did enjoy reading it, though.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

At first I thought it was a bit generic, but to be honest I think the biggest problem is that 5 pages is not enough to flesh this idea out sufficiently. The whole "space dementia" angle has been done to death, and while this is a good way to approach it, I think the parameters of this contest mean that a story like this can't really reach its full potential, and it doesn't stand out from the crowd. Still, good use of title cards, visually I think it would be interesting, and I was left wanting more.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

For a contest that show the prespective of the camera there isn't much action or visual story telling to pull this reader in. On the first page you forgot to include Clifford and Galen on the character line.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Creepy & atmospheric, it made me feel a little claustrophobic. I would have liked to see a little more interaction with Galen & Clifford. Good job!

Comments Made After the Contest

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 4:21 AM

I thought this was great!