Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Well done. Never saw the twist coming. It was a bit weird that Ratter didn't react to the snake attack with screams or something. Also, I didn't relate to any of the characters. Even in a short that's important. Otherwise non of the events will provoke me emotionally.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I don't know what the title, "Hemen", means so it is not conveying anything about the story and not seducing me to become an audience (I did this too with my previous story, so look who's talking).

You are giving two things the same name; Egyptian display one and Egyptian display two. Perhaps even better might be "POV ..." but that is a detail.

I think you can play with pacing more; it doesn't feel like the heist itself goes any faster than when the guard was just looking out.

Usually you don't hear sound on surveillance cameras? I think you might even be able to do away with the dialogue, it will be all the more eery as we see burglars who are trying to rob a museum being caught by a mummy.

On page four you call the mummy a woman, her figure untouched by time (suggesting beauty) but then she is a monster. It jarred in my head as I had to scramble to adjust my image. You have to write so I can visualize the movie.

A neck snaps off-screen; how does one know that that snap was from a neck?

The sentences in the last scene are a bit choppy, short and not varied enough. In stead of "Guard this ... Guard that ..." you could for example write "The guard this ... He that ...".

Vary sentence lengths as they can control pacing. For example, the last sentence about his makeup like the Egyptian eye, you could make that a long-winding sentence so we as a reader linger in that moment (and the filmmaker will know you want him to highlight that moment of clarity).

Cool idea for a short! A museum heist gone wrong.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Well another different idea. I think FF is really difficult. For example, I was trying to imagine how the security camera was picking up some of the detail mentioned like the inscription.

A few things threw me like the arrowhead. I wasn't think snake at first. The make up and the guard - not sure that worked. Why would the guard be one of them, I didn't see a reason.

As with others, I also prefer to have a reason as to why the footage has been put together, after all several cameras were used. We don't have one. Maybe it is not required but I feel it adds depth to the story. Normal scripts this wouldn't apply as the camera is not part of the story, like here.

All the best.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Unfortunately, this story left me with more questions than anything. I like the whole idea and for the most part, I thought you were going to pull off. But the whole thing is a bit confusing. Where did Vasquez suddenly come from? Also, is Vasquez supposed to be the "Thief"? What does "asp" mean or refer to? What suddenly awakened this mummy?

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I don't get the title, could be my ignorance as an Egyptologist. There was some good dialogue and some fine narrative description. By introducing the guard the way you did, you badly undermined any surprise element you may have been after for an end twist as I knew the guard was important because his description was so unique. Make him more bland a nd less conspicuous.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Took too long to get to the mummy. I was hoping for an earlier reveal of the mummy instead of a slow build to it. Good job overall. Effective use of found footage.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Initial Impression.
--He-Men (like the cartoon/comic)?
--This is going to be a tough read. I know it's a one-cam shoot, but the description makes me think I'm watching the security camera pivot. There's also extra details like "minimal light" (NIGHT in the slugline covered that). "swivels every 15secs: (you don't want us waiting 15secs for it to shift? do you?). "no date & time on screen" (well, it wasn't clear to me that I'm looking at security tapes).

In-Story Camera
--I like how you slugline the cameras. I wish it started like that-- calling the scene by the camera display. This way you eliminate extra paragraphs about the camera-setup (even the panning camera!)

Extra Words.
--Phrases like "this action" and such get in the way of the story. Try to be more direct "Guard stands up. He has a V-back..."
--Misleading descriptions. Initially you say there is an arrowhead being aimed at R- (I know that's not what it says, but that's how I READ it) but its an ASP! Very annoying; you can be ambiguous (a thin shadow points at R-) but to say one thing and have it be another creates headaches.

Dialogue.
--It's all very... mundane. It doesn't let us into the story of the theft (like WHY are they stealing. WHAT they are taking. Or about an Egyptian curse or protector).

The Story.
--it's booby trapped; just like a pyramid. COOL.
--eyeliner. How do you see a little bit of eyeliner? Either we see his face (and paint) or not. And what exactly are you hinting at here? I thought he'd be the mummy.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

This was confusing for me and I couldn't fit all the pieces together and I think in a story like this it is beneficial to have everything fit together nicely so the story seems cooler and the audience feels smart.

Was the guard waiting for the mummy to come alive? Or was he there trying to keep her subdued?

All the camera stuff doesn't seem like it would make sense and needs to be more detailed in explaining exactly what camera is being used and what we are seeing through the lens.

David Serra (Level 4)

You had me woried with the title since I thought this was going to be a rip off of "He-Man." But thank goodness that didn't happen.

I liked the creatures found here and the twist that went with it (even though the ending was a bit predictable).

Also you can put "SECUIRITY CAMERA" at the end of each heading to show that this is told from a security camera's point of view.

Overall this was my favorite script I read in this contest.

Excellent.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job. Good reveal at the end - I had sort of forgotten about the guard. I'm confused by the moving cameras that seem to be manipulated by someone rather than being automatic. I think it works better when you describe the scene as moving out of the camera focus rather than the camera following it... more of a found footage feel.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Your first page has a lot of huge blocks of text. It's very uninviting for readers! Things like "There is no given date and time on the screens." could be cut. It's unnecessary.

Weak description of Security Guard. Traits? Features? Ethnicity?.... ok I stand corrected, you describe him a few lines down. Always make sure to describe him when he's introduced. I was already picturing a fat guy, but now I have to re-imagine a 6'5 jacked-up guy.

Rater? What kind of name is that? Also weak description of him. How the hell is he able to knock out a 6'5 guy with a single whip of a baton?

How are we hearing what Rater is saying? Security cameras don't have sound, that I know of.

Why did you change Rater's name to Thief on pg 2?

Mummy needs to be capitalized when it's first introduced.

Well this was an interesting story... I'm not quite sure what the title is or what the Egyptian Eye of Horus is, so maybe my lack of knowledge is impeding on my ability to relate to your script.

On the technical side of the FF element, I found it to be confusing. There was a lot of shifting and confusing cuts.

Best of luck to you.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

There are some definite format problems with this one. I think its a little to description heavy, there is some fat that you can trim out of the scene headings, just stick to what we see. Also, where the heck did the asp come from? you speak of it for the first time like its something we just should have known was there. With all the talk about the missing time stamp I thought you were going someplace with it... but even after a couple reads I fail to see why that was some sort of big deal. The main problem here is the script just feels so cluttered, its so dense that it gets a little hard to read.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I am not sure I understand the title.

Remember, “less is usually more.” Consider the following: Page 1 - “Guard gets up from his seat.” Consider instead: “Guard stands.” Page 2 - “He looks directly into the security camera.” Consider instead: “He stares into the security camera.” Page 4 - “Camera pans away, gets the reaction of fear from Vasquez.” Consider instead: “Camera pans to Vasquez's fear.”

There are two places where the writer is very specific about a character's height. In one place 6'5” and in another place 5'7” I do not understand this specificity. Is the writer saying that if an actress is 5'6” she can not have the part. Or if an actor is only 6'2” he will be disqualified?

One write what is needed. Page 2: “Shaved head but not bald.” Consider just saying “shaved head”.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

It's always a pleasure to read an intelligently thought out and brilliantly written screenplay. Congratulations. There's not much room for improvement that I can see.

One small thing you may want to consider. Instead of "arrowhead" consider writing "cobra" or "asp" to make it immediately comprehensible. I didn't know what an arrowhead was.

Continued good success. Excellent.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Some picky things: Why does the reader care exactly how tall people are? Who is the THIEF on page 2? Was there triple spacing before some of the scene headings? I didn't understand the title.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I would think most people would not know the meaning of the title (I had to look it up) so I don't think it tells the reader anything going in.
Craft - your craft is nearly perfect; just move FADE OUT to the right side of
the page.
Dialogue - the dialogue seems realistic.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - I'm not a fan of mummy movies but this was fun and interesting - good job.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

It never fails to amaze me how prepared the ancient Egyptians were for future grave robberies! I think this might have been easier to understand if I'd been watching, rather than reading, because of all the different cameras and instructions to Rater about what to do to disable the cameras, but very good job overall. I like that most of the story takes place through action, with only enough dialogue to get a point across. In a robbery, after all, you're more concerned about grabbing the loot and getting out quick than making small talk. I do think it would have been funny if they had made small talk about future plans because it would showcase how obviously unaware they were that they were about to die, but it was good this way. Reminds me a bit of the movie Under Wraps, or The Mummy. In any case, I don't think anyone will be likely to rob a sarcophagus anytime soon.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 2
Story: 4
Originality: 5
Action: 4
Dialogue: 4
Readability: 4

If the coffin is on the otherside of the room and we're watching it through a security camera, I doubt it would have enough clarity to be able to read the plaque, unless the plaque was large.

If the guard is watching his own camera, it's not really hidden, is it?

Figg's dialogue is on the nose.

Vasquesz's dialogue should be O.S. when Rater is getting the disc.

Way too much build up for an extremely rushed ending. I would have liked more of the camera panning toward the action and away from it. Make me want the camera to pan back so I can see what's happening.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

First off, kudos for being gutsy enough to enter this month's MP contest. Not a lot of folks did enter (including myself out of sheer laziness) and I was intrigued to see how this topic would be handled.

Initial Gut Reaction: Fun story! I had to look up Hemen.

Story: You do a good job of writing action. The twist at the end is good fun.

Formatting: Some minor formatting issues. See under "Nit-picking".

Dialogue: Very good.

Nit-picking: Add a period after "sign next to it reads “CRIMSON SCARAB”".

Although it's redundant, one should always start a scene with either EXT. or INT.

Who's Guy? Should it be "This Guy takes his job too seriously?"

FADE OUT. should be to the far right.


Rating: Good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked your narration.

I couldn't understand the importance of the camera and why it should be shot as an FF.

It's full of story and unexpected turns and I was not ready for them. Might want to take it slow if others note that as well, I think.

Interesting software you're using. It's not Courier New. No big deal, just noting.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I like this...would be very hard / expensive to film but it's a nice use of the challenge. giving a good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing material. Launched Google and learned something new.
While satisfying the prompt is actually up to the moderators, integrating those security cameras into the story is well done. They don't feel forced. The robbery storyline works, the characters are distinctive, plus there's a nice element of surprise when the "Egyptian displays" come to life.
The first scene is compelling. Wonder whether Dr. Sam Quint's name on the plaque is important enough to mention since it doesn't appear again.
Might tweak Figg's dialogue a bit; "Only two things I'm concerned about is if Jared Rush pays up and Rater snatches the discs" reads a bit awkward. Jared Rush isn't mentioned again. "I still see that move, red light." Should the line be, "I still see that red light move"?
Action is described well and easy to follow.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Your title had me thinking this was going to be about muscle bound men. Hemen is one Egyptian god I'm not familiar with.

Your descriptions are wordy. I think part of that is because you spend so much space on telling where the cameras are instead of what they're recording. You might want to think about opening this in the security room using the camera aimed at the guard to show the multiple cameras in play. You establish that there is an array of cameras monitoring the site, and you could have the screen that shows the guard sitting at his post prominently. Then go to the individual cameras from there. The audience would get it and you'd save several lines of explanation about cameras.

You give details that read like CLOSE UPs. That's a problem when you're using the types of cameras you describe. They don't generally zoom in unless someone's controlling them remotely. Maybe you could bring in some camera phone shots to get the closeups you need, or have more security cameras that are fixed tighter on the individual cases.

Write out your scene headings using what the camera sees as the location. For example - INT. DISPLAY ROOM RIGHT CAMERA - NIGHT; INT. DISPLAY ROOM LEFT CAMERA - NIGHT; INT. DISPLAY ROOM CENTER CAMERA - NIGHT; etc. You get multiple angles to work with and the reader is oriented.

Switching cameras brings a lot of tension to this, and I suggest you go with it full blast.I think I'd put several cameras in the hall, for instance, and switch from a shot of him walking away from one camera to a shot of him walking toward the other. The more cameras, the more the "Big Brother is watching you" effect, and that's creepy in and of itself.

I have to admit I knew what was coming pretty quick once I understood there was a mummy present. That didn't spoil the fun, though. Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was creepy. I like the idea of the camera panning back and forth, capturing different parts of the scene. It will make it very suspenseful.

I'm not sure how we'd be able to read the plaque from a security camera. Same with the "domed camera" - how do we know it's domed if we're looking through it? "There is no given date and time on the screens." Why mention this when a character points it out later anyway? And I don't really see how it paid off.

I think you've mixed up some of your character headings, because "THIEF" speaks before he is introduced. That part's really confusing.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

TITTLE:
What is "HEMEN" meaning?
Sorry,I checked Google translate but no means there,
Just Turkish adverb means "Immediately".
but DON'T know how could related with this story.

Your writing is good enough but the story is so stereotype and not good for a short film from my opinion.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The opening action line has us looking at a security camera, not seeing from the point of view of the camera.

Rater becomes Thief at the top of page 2. Some punctuation issues on page 2 - you need a comma after "...woman in her late 20s, ...". I think the following line should also be corrected unless you mean that the two people are carrying one backpack. They EACH carry a hiker's backpack, or they both carry hiker's BACKPACKS.

On page 2 you start referring to FIRST CAMERA and SECOND CAMERA but I have no idea where those are. If we're to assume that those are the wall and ceiling cameras in the display room, why are we still seeing images from them after they've been disabled?

So it ends as a little sci-fi horror. Unfortunately for me, I found the script to be poorly structured since you had the thieves disable the cameras on page one but then continued to suggest that we were watching the actions through those cameras.

You didn't stay consistent in your use of GUARD in the script. Sometimes it was "the guard", sometimes "the Guard" and sometimes "Guard". Since you're using his job position as his name, I'd suggest you stick with "the Guard".

Re: the descriptions - I'm not sure most people will understand what you mean by V-shaped back. I'm assuming the Guard is dressed, so that description wouldn't be quite as obvious anyway. Stick with something like "muscular" and avoid the confusion. Also, the "eyeliner" set-up could have been done more subtly by having RATER/THIEF say something like "Look at the guy's face" at the top of page 2, and omit the original reference in the middle of page 1. Suggesting it's just eyeliner gives the wrong impression in my mind.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was well written, but seemed like I have seen it before. After describing the door, the line about the eye makeup confused to me, but I got it later.

"Shaved head, but not bald" - nice description. Your writing is very succinct and efficient. The story reads quick and clean. Nice action and dialog.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

great originality in your setting that's for sure.

I'm sure how all the dialogue would be heard unless the security cameras have all got microphones and the security room and museum have speakers.

Far too many characters and because you stopped using proper slug headings and describing what camera we were watching I found this very hard to follow.
A lot of detail in your descriptions slowed the pace.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

So far, your camera has a nice touch over many of the "found footage" cams in this contest - it moves. That sets up a nice suspense - the mummy case keeps cracking open. You didn't take the obvious route - that the camera swings back and we see an open, empty sarcophagus, leaving us to wonder where its occupant went - so you might consider how that would work.

Ultimately, this didn't really make my skin crawl as it might have. It's pretty much a team of bandits getting ambushed - really, wrestled down - by a team of Egyptian artifacts. Even the mummy is just a hot woman, not your creepy bandaged mummy. It's like the Drac Pack going into action. (And if you get that reference, your even older and geekier than I am.) There's nothing wrong with that, but it's basically a straight up ambush, not anything that rivets me to the story. I also can't figure out why the lack of timecode bothers Rater, or what the poor deceased Egyptologist has to do with anything. I also can't figure out their sophisticated "mallet" method of breaking-and-entering.

It's got promise, but it needs a little rethought and some rewriting.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a solid contained story that has a nice twist.

For me, I'm not sure that it makes sense to have this be found footage. It doesn't seem like the footage makes any difference to the story and so it seems to just restrict the way it is shown.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

NIce story. The guard being an ancient custodian was a nice twist: didnt see that coming. The reference to no date stamp on the video was a bit obscure: had me scratching my head for a while. The reference to the eyeliner ("takes his job seriously") also didn't seem quite appropriate, unless the suggestion is that the thieves knew that the guard is at least trying to look like the custodian, which also seems far fetched given that the eyeliner could have suggested a whole host of things. But nevertheless well written.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Action lines were quite lengthy, but it's understandable given the page limits for this contest/submission.

I felt that the camera/found footage was just thrown in there. There was no other purpose for it. In fact, I think you can strike out the cameras and the short would still work.

In the beginning, it might be useful to state outright which is Camera 1 and Camera 2 (the dome one?), as the author begins to use mini-slugs in reference to Camera 1 and Camera 2.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice a single grammar or formatting error.

This story is decent. Two guards patrol the museum, unaware of creatures coming to life. However, I feel that this story been done to death. I wasn’t quite sure about the hidden camera though. What was the hidden camera? Why are no dates shown on the camera? These guys are inspecting the museum throughout the story though. I’m not sure what they’re really trying to do besides inspecting it. Those are some unanswered questions.
The dialogue reads naturally. I just wish it had more subtext. It tells us what needs to be done. Like, “Low security, one alarm, one guard.” Then the rest of the action lines tells us what happens on the surface. Otherwise, I see nothing wrong with the dialogue.

The pacing is extremely tight. It instantly gives me a mental image of what’s going on. You also did well describing everything with minimal dialogue. But times where the script has unnecessary action, like the “5’7” woman and some other description. I just think some of these can be eliminated.

The characters seems underdeveloped to me. Why should we care about one guard being the only guard in the script? I feel that I haven’t spend enough time with them. I liked the basic characters having to patrol the museum on their own. But they aren’t as distinctive as other guards.

Overall, I think this is a entertaining script. I just think the conflict could be stronger. Right now, I don’t see this as a full story. Good luck with this.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I'm afraid there are visuals in the opening scene itself, which would be really hard to achieve with security cameras, his eye make-up for example? How did the camera go from a wide shot of the room to at least a medium shot to show details of his eye make-up?

---
Small crack in the mummy’s coffin goes unnoticed. The camera
captures it for a split second.
---

Again, this sort of detail won't be noticed by a security camera, will it?

You have some pretty cool visuals and an original premise but the execution needs a bit of work and sadly those visuals won't look as cool seen through security cameras, no matter how advanced the cameras are.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty good tale of the mummy's revenge. S-p-o-o-o-o-k-y.

It was a very confusing read, though. I think you could tighten it up a little and make it much more effective.

First of all, a technical question. How are we hearing everything that's going on? I guess we're seeing everything through a series of panning security cameras, but they're generally video (visual) only, no audio. So how do we hear (for example), "A neck snaps OS"?

And there's quite a bit of stuff that made me scratch my head. For example: Why is the security guard an Egyptian? Why (on the bottom of Page 4) does Rater make a cell phone call? To Figg? (He never answers it.) Why the discussion about Jared Rush? (Who's he?) Why does it matter to anyone (including us) that there's no time stamp on the video? Etc., etc., etc.

None of this stuff is a big deal, but when you put it all together it makes for a very slow, confusing read, and your story almost gets buried in there. Too bad, because it seems like a potentially good, spooky tale.

I enjoyed reading it, though.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Very generic. I can see it as a fun B movie though, the twist with the security guard was fairly clever. Try to work on the dialogue a bit more, though if you really want to nail that B-movie kitch, ramp up the cheese even more.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

The camera directions got pretty confusing. The end was a cool little twist. No real memorable or distinct characters, though.

Comments Made After the Contest

Darren Seeley (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2012 1:19 AM

Thanks for all who read the short. I thought the FF to be tough, and I seem to be correct. Not just for me, but others as well. It is my belief that many entries would have been better (including mine) had an extra page been allowed. When I wrote this, I had these specific goals:

1- I wanted an overhead camera/360 (I forgot about a 360 part though)

2- Keep a camera moving but no 'shaky cam' a surv. camera or two takes care of this. Yes, they are a common staple of many a spy or heist thriller, but they always work for some reason.

3- Knowing I would get raked over the coals by MPrs over the silliest of things (the title, people? The title?! You're kidding! :p Guess I shoulda called it Horus...no, then you might think I meant 'Whore Us'...) I worked in a few minor nods to a feature length script of mine so if at a later time I wanted to salvage the FF script, I can weave it in a future draft of that work, which is a bit of like a Tales From The Crypt/ Rashomon story revolving around mummies. At the very least, get something like a "prelude" written and/or filmed that could lead into the bigger story. Or a series of stories, should it go that way as well. I also could take the references out ("Jered Rush" is a character in that script, the plaque. The Crimson Scarab* - that's all) and this would stand alone.

-------------------

There's an even split on top three issues : the camera visuals, dialog, and how effective the piece is. So I focus on what is universal. That is my true gaffe here. The sound on the found footage / surv. cams. What's in the security room is one thing (as someone appears to be watching the watcher, so to speak) but yes, you are all right. In reality, security cameras don't have audio. Which also means the neck snap should have been caught on camera. Maybe it's a supernatural thing...a hocus-pocus moment y'know...? Well, win some, lose some. I'll consider that bit, play with it, see if it's better.

This was a tough one. Congrats to the top three.

Darren Seeley (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2012 2:36 PM

UPDATE/ REVISION
Renamed "Eyes Of Horus'.

- Offscreen neck snap taken out. Mummy simply chokes person, sec camera pans away.

- The plaque is gone.

- Guard's name is Ian. This eases "confusion" over 'Guard and 'The Guard'

- Ian/Guard's height is gone. Height of the mummy is gone. Monster is just Mummy. Even if you knew what I meant (I'm sorry; I don't buy "the confusion" for one minute. I seen some crazy nitpicks but I refuse to think folks are that dull)

- Some narrative is broken up - even though the "blocks of text" never exceeded four lines. I had to double check on that. The FADE IN was also flush left to begin with.

- I decided to leave in most of the dialog for cinematic/dramatic purposes - AND I noted that other entries also had security cameras and you can "hear" audio...but nobody said fiddle about them, except for one whose author made it a rule. So I'm thinking I was read after those entries, and in between folks looked up whether or not sec. cameras can do stuff like that.

- The story here could still serve as a teaser for the bigger script. Or it could stand alone. I'm currently working it in though, as this actually solves some script problems with that screenplay.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 7/11/2012 10:38 PM

Hey Darren,
Quick turnaround on your rewrite. I always look forward to your comments each month. You’re a colorful reviewer. The rewrite cleans up your piece nicely.