Comments Made During the Contest
Adam Grage (Level 4)
I think this piece is sweet and simple. The story itself doesn't jump out but I loved the character of Simon, who is strong enough to help himself and others yet like any small kid has wants and dreams and simple things can still amaze him. Well done.
Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)
Well, first of all, I think I'm going to go have a good cry. Your script is so sweet and sad. Heartbreaking, really. At least to me.I wish there was a little more space, somehow, between the dollar loan and Simon winning the tree. Maybe without the 5 page restriction there could be something else that happens between those two events. That's really my only suggestion, though. Your script is really wonderful.
Andrea Miklos (Level 2)
I liked the story, it's nice - particularly having the holiday season upon us. :) I liked Simon's character too even though something was missing in him but that's probably because of the page restrictions. I didn't like the action lines though. The sentences were too simple and straightforward. You dedicated too much time to paint the picture about a very neat little boy - and going back to page restrictions, you have to be very careful with what you tell.
Austin Bennett (Level 4)
This was a sweet story. Simon got what he wanted, but I don't think there was an arc. If he changed somehow, I would've rated this an excellent.Good use of the three props.
Austin Jones (Level 4)
I love it. So clean technically. Touching and honest not heavy handed at all. Nice work.
Barbara Lewis (Level 4)
This is beautifully written. I really feel for Simon and this is a small moment in his life that is indicative of his entire life. When I first started to write this review I thought I would say I wanted more active conflict, because Simon is almost too good - but the fact is that Simon's entire life is in conflict. So this is a lovely character study and at five pages I think that is fine (any longer and I think you would need more - perhaps reaction of the parents to the tree). So there's quiet conflict running through it. Great work.
Brad LaMar (Level 2)
I think this is a great story and a very good job of story telling. Everything flowed well and had a steady rhythm. The story had heart and made me wish it was longer so that I could learn more about Simon. The structure was sound and all of the requirements were met. Nice work.
Brian Wind (Level 5)
Very nice uplifting story. Well done. The kid asking his teacher about her husband seemed a little out of place for an elementary school student, but other than that, nice work.
Bryan Mora (Level 4)
You're very detailed in your descriptions. I think it worked out well. I understood and kind of felt what was going on with the boy, adorable. But I guess you can call me the grinch, becuase i dont like these types of happy stories lol. It didn't do anyhting for me. But i did kidna go awwww after reading. This was good. Congrats. Nice usage of theme also.
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
This was a moving story of a neglected child that somehow just missed out somewhere along the way. I'll try to put in to words where it fell down, although in many ways it was an overall impression more than anything particularly wrong.The opening sequence, I felt, went on way too long. It could have been very much shorter and we still would have 'got' that Simon had to fend for himself.I don't know...everyone in the story was just too NICE - the beggar, the teacher, Simon.. (apart from, of course, the nameless lump under the duvet!)The ending...? Poignant, but I felt as though there could have been some interaction with the parent somehow. I guess part of the problem was - no story arc, no character arc.
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)
Lovely.Really enjoyed this one. Very well done. Your writing and story telling skills are both excellent.My only comment would be that the constant, "Simon" this and "Simon" that got a little tedious. Think you could replace a lot with "he". But that's a very small thing. You get top marks from me. Excellent job.
Chris Messineo (Founder)
I thought this was so sad and lovely all at the same time.I really cared about Simon and I loved his teacher Mrs. Simpkins.I think my favorite thing about this script was all the subtext and all the questions you choose not to answer.Perhaps my only complaint (and it is a small one) is that Simon seems almost too perfect - he needs a flaw (even a small one) so that he feels a little more real and in turn we end up caring for him even more.Simply wonderful.
Dawn Calvin (Level 5)
There is a alot of really good things about this script, cute things.. like tucking in the shoe laces, very cute.What I wasn't comfortable with was the writing style.. the Simon does this and Simon does that way it read to me. It was hard to read. I kept hoping for better description or better yet, none at all. Maybe it was intentional as in SIMON SAYS... But the effect didn't quite make it for me personally.Otherwise, I really liked the story of the little boy who was very sweet!Good job and good luck.
DW Pollard (Level 4)
Very good writing - descriptions were clear and easy to visualize, dialogue flowed easily, format was well done.One thing to consider is to start as late as possible in the scene. When Simon wakes up, the scene drags on a bit as we watch him dress, brush his teeth, etc, none of which seemed to add a lot to the script.The story fizzled a bit for me at the end. I think I would have liked to see Simon interact with his parent, seen the conflict there that we got a taste of in school; it was just a little to easy.
Elias Farnum (Level 5)
Well written, I was seeing it every step of the way but the story itself feels incomplete. I thought we would get something more involving his parent or something. I altogether missed any crisis and climax, albeit he did have to carry the tree home, lol. Seriously, the story needs to be elevated somehow. I was totally drawn in and felt the character. (I like that he can meticulously sew, but cannot tie his own shoes)I thought this was good but tame interestwise.
Jane Beckwith (Level 4)
I liked the story and really felt for the little boy. The "does he treat you nice?" line was really good, but an answer that didn't include commercialism might have supported the theme a bit more.
Jay Knisely (Level 4)
Soundly written understated story. Comes awfully close to overly understated and dulcet - outside of the heavy parent and the kid's reflex to falsehood. The 2-minute deal implying his single mom/dad was like a dental hygienist doesn't add to the story but doesn't detract either. But anyway, it is a very nice read as is.
John Foley (Level 4)
This was well constructed story. I liked your description of the action for it really helped me to see this story.
Kirk White (Level 5)
giving this an excellent. Very nice work.
Liz Messineo (Level 4)
I like the Simon character, with his glasses and his sad life. I was surprised the the kindness to the homeless man didn't pay off somehow. And I'm not sure why he needs the scenes with his teacher - does her character contrast his sad existence? This has real potential..it just a little tightening!
Margaret Avnet (Level 4)
While it's a sweet story I don't really see any conflict going on. You hint that something may be amiss at home but you don't go into it. You should explore that some more.
Matt Carrothers (Level 3)
Simon is a great character...the quintessential overachieving, meticulous and very aware only child. And yet, he retains the child's fascination with toys, Christmas and so forth. I am curious as to why Mrs. Simpkins would seemingly forego a shopping trip with her husband at the last minute to not only drive Simon home, but take time to meet his parents. That said, however, this is an excellent intro to the adventures of a very young adult.
Michael Cornetto (Level 5)
That was a cute Christmas story. I curious as to why he had issues with his parents (parent?). Perhaps this is what you intended. I found that I didn't know enough about what's going on there to feel enough compassion for Simon. This could be really powerful if you get us to really feel for the kid. You did a good job of getting us partway there but it could have been even better.
Rick Hansberry (Moderator)
Sweet, touching story. Well written. Reminded me of Christmas Story. I loved the way you revealed Simon's maturity and his circumstances. I think maybe some heightened drama would help. Maybe the lump doesn't stir and Simon panics a bit. I know it would disrupt the 'feel-good' tone but I think it would raise the stakes early on. Then, maybe when he returns home with the tree, he could peek into the bedroom and see the lump under the covers move.
Rob Gross (Level 4)
i'm not sure how "lucky" this kid is. Seems like his parent/s don't have much interest in the kid.I thought the story had some charm. the beginning was pretty wordy, with not much happening.It picked up a little after he won the tree.This could have been used for the christmas story entry!good job
Spencer McDonald (Level 4)
A nice story and would probably bode well for the Christmas present contest. You did hit all three elements and did it nicely.I would like to have seen the parent under the covers to really feel for little Simons condition. That might have given your story more power.The desctiption were a tad overwritten. Here is an example."SIMON, 8, sits up in bed. His hair sticks up on top of hishead. He grabs a pair of eye-glasses from the dresser andputs them on. His brown eyes suddenly twice as large. Heruns to the window. Opens the curtains. Sees the new snowfalling."You could say it like this:"SIMON (8). sits up in bed. His sandy blonde hair sticks straight up, soft brown eyes widen. Bolts out of bed, snatches glasses off his dresser, dashes to the window and throws the curtains wide open to falling snow.Good emotional connection with the teacher and the dollar.
Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)
It seemed like a lot of writing was thrown at us but there was no real story. The flow of your story seemed spotty and it seemed like there were holes in the story to complete the story told. Your title is one lucky boy, but how is he lucky and how did he win the tree. I don't think the story had enough information in it for the reader to really understand the gist of the story. Also, the boy seemed very independant, sewing a button on his coat, making his lunch but what really didn't make sence was, at the age of eight, he couldn't tie his shoe. I read this a few times, I just didn't find a complete story in this script. Good luck.
Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)
You had me sympathetic with Simon, but overall this story could be much improved.There were too many scene transitions. A few could have been compressed, and one scene to eliminate was the teacher's smile when Simon got to school was unneeded since we later see her liking for the boy when she gives him a dollar, tousels his hair, etc.Too much superfluous detail. For example, Simon's eyes are BROWN, and the color is irrelevant (if they were blue it would have made no difference). He spends too much time doing boring stuff, ie making a sandwich, getting an apple, washing dishes - all of this could have been done in less space and gotten the point across that he takes care of himself. The absence of the parent could have been more powerful and I would have liked to see more of Simon's relationship there (or lack thereof). For example, if he delivered breakfast to the lump in bed.I did like the ending, but also felt it could have used some emphasis on where Simon found his independence and good cheer. God? The snow? Or his dad finally got out of bed for a happy ending?
William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)
I loved this story... and I loved Simon -- Simple Simon, how wonderful the small things in life are to this small boy. He is the perfect example of when you give, you receive.Excellent job.
Comments Made After the Contest
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2007 11:30 PM
Thanks everyone for your comments. They really are going to help with a rewrite. I love this site. I feel right at home here.
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/14/2007 10:26 AM
This was one of my favorite scripts this month and I am so happy to hear that it is getting produced. Congratulations.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/14/2007 10:30 AM
Thanks Chris, I'm so happy myself, what a great Christmas present this is. I appreciate this site, it's the best site on the web! It's helped me so much! Without this site I would never have had the idea to write One Lucky Boy, and then I would never be in this position!thanks Sally
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/14/2007 4:51 PM
Sally, beautiful, as you already know. No wonder it won the film competition. I thought for sure it would be top three this month.Keep 'em coming.Oh, what's the deal with your feature that was optioned? Would love to hear more about that.Glad you're here.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/17/2007 7:52 AM
Hi Charlie,Sorry I forget to come to this part of the board, so I didn't see your comment. Thanks for the kind words.The feature is a sort of Thelma and Louise story about two teenage girls, who run away after their respective parents get married. It's being seriously looked at in LA, and we're thinking it will shoot sometime early next year.However, as I think I said on another part of the message board, this is only because my co writer had the connections to get it seen. I have another feature that I've been schlepping around for two years now, with no bites!!
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/17/2007 9:51 AM
Sounds awesome. Please keep us updated.
Erol Ata (Level 2) ~ 3/25/2012 10:47 AM
This was really great. I wanted to adopt Simon. A really great pass it forward type movie, and I have to say the cinematography was excellent.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 3/25/2012 2:53 PM
Thank you Erol, I appreciate that.