Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

That is a sweet little story! Hope the two get together afterwards :-)

Two persons and an elevator; you'd be able to do this on a small budget.

I think the line "Leave him" is a bit superfluous; we can already see that he showed her that there is more (and better) fish in the sea.

Perhaps push the part where he's giving the flowers right to the end as that is the climax of it.

I'm giving this a VERY GOOD, think you can improve the pacing but love the story as a one-pager idea.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

"As the door closes, Anna comes into view through the mirror". Do you mean to say that Anna's reflection is revealed on the closing door?

I like your characters and setting. My only recommendation is to use the full page. You have more room to play with.

Also, Joe's line: "Leave him" is too on the nose. Try something subtle like "You deserve better".

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A lovely tale. A couple of nit picks;

1] evening in a lift ?

2] Mirror on all four sides, so i assume this includes the doors. Does that happen? maybe.

3] She is in the lift when he gets in and when he gets out. So where is she going to? Likewise him

these are small tweaks in what is a simple, powerful and effective short. Maybe she could take a wedding ring off to reflect her state of mind at the end.

I liked it.

all the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Very simple, but says so much in such a limited amount of space. Great imagery. Great character depth. Nice story. Great stuff. One of the better one's this month.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It's a nice story but insubstantial somehow. It's possible to develop characters even in one page. I just feel with this that if I had blinked I would have missed it!

A little more drama required?

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I thought the story was poignant. A powerful tale yet gentle and subtle in its approach, delivered with style. The writing was solid, probably a few story elements missing but an entertaining read.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I'll admit, that if this had been one of the first scripts, it would have scored higher. But, I've read some complete stories since-- and this seems more like a moment than a complete story.

Awkward start. Anna's in the elevator, we've seen her. Joe enters, doors slide closed-- and now the mirror shows us Anna--- I'm not a complete dunce, I know you mean her face is clear now, BUT the initial description of Anna mentions her face. If you must start with Anna-- don't give her an age, just a woman with a tissue and long beautiful hair.

GOOD. It's odd; usually I'm wanting more touches (like the birthday flowers) but in this smaller time frame it's making scripts seem loose-- all these unanswered questions (like are they strangers or building neighbors?). Then, when I think about it, does it matter if they're strangers or not? not really, it doesn't change the story-- yet I still crave something to make it complete. (Deed, I don't know what that is. I'm sorry, I'd like to justify it better, but I just can't.)

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

Maybe don't say "her face painted" because I was picturing a woman with a flowers or a spiderman mask painted on her face from the fair of something. Also a little more interacting with him maybe glancing at her or something because it seemed kind of out of nowhere he suddenly gave her those flowers when he hadn't even seemed like he noticed she was there.

Other than that I enjoyed it very much. Positive the end!

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This is a pleasant story although I think Joe has some explaining to do to his mother! What I like most about it is that it seems that Joe has only good intentions. He does not seem to be hitting on Anna or have any other motivation other than concern for another person.

David Birch (Level 5)

story hits all the right emotional notes, but really never realizes its full potential because the choice(s) are just too easy...there's no drama in JOE giving the flowers to ANNA...that's what we expect him to do...nothing's stopping him from going out and buying another bouquet of flowers for his mother...having a character do the first obvious choice makes the character cliched...

David M Troop (Level 4)

I liked this one.

Excellent skills on display.
Not really sure you needed any dialogue at all to get your message across. Joe's actions and Anna's reactions may speak louder than words.

Very, very good.

David Serra (Level 4)

You have a little bit of page left that could use some filling up and should end it in FADE OUT. The story itself is a cute one though the conflict could use a tad more umf.

Overal, Good.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job and excellent title. You've captured so much emotion, and so much story in just a page. That said, I would like to see more somehow. I think rather than a direct "Leave him" I think it would mean more if he said something to make her feel better about herself. Something not so "on the nose." Maybe like "You know the thing about flowers is that no matter if someone likes the smell or not, the flowers are still beautiful. In fact, those that don't like the smell, don't deserve to have them. You know what I mean?"

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Very nice job, good concept and executed well. The only thing I might add if I were you is more of a description for your two characters. I can see why you didn't do this but you have the room to spare and I think that if you had something there it would draw me that much more into the story.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

Your story has substance and a solid structural setting; within the lift. The format was however lacking and there was far too much narrative. An example of a line I think is too narrative and needs cutting is 'A light twinkle appears in her eye'. This is unnecessary description and something you as a scriptwriter would not have control of.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written story with a happy ending. Brought a smile to my face. This script earned an excellent from me.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A disarmingly charming and powerful minute's worth of a screenplay. No room for improvement that I can see. Especially impressed with the bare minimum of dialogue and clever use of visuals to move your story forward. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Cute portrayal of a random act of kindness. Nice clean page. Good scene.

GOOD!

Suggestions: Don't use the mirrors. It'll be more intimate if he looks at her. No need to cap BLACK BRUISE. Consider a different way to communicate "There's something soothing about him" It's passive and we already suspect it. Maybe nothing needs to be said?

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I like titles with multiple meanings, good choice. Craft - your craft is very good.
Dialogue - there are only two lines of dialogue, too little to comment on.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - I like the story, heartwarming kindness of a stranger - good job.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Good effort. Joe won her smile with a gift, obviously flowers. Mere common flowers with possibly romantic fragrance turned out to be intrinsic in value here, in Anna's case.

I see the Contest Name in your script but i think it wasn't catchy enough to surmount over the other scripts I just read.

Anyway, good effort.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

It's 20s, not 20's.

You are really ruing this story with the explanation mark. Is it really that loud?

Wow, but I loved this. The title is perfect, everything about it BUT the DING! The explanation mark makes it like a comedy.

I wasn't too fond of "slyly he rips it off.." I thought the sentence could be reworded. Maybe just a simple "he TUGS it off and SLIPS it in his pocket." That sounds smoother in my opinion. "Slyly" and "rips" just don't seem to match. "Rip" is such a harsh word.

But again, I'm just telling you the things that I thought needed work. I really, really like the story. It was sweat and if I knew how to film stuff, I would definitely make this.

Excellent.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A well written and solid story. It has a slight bend in the story as we're led to believe the abusive man is giving her the flowers. It was lacking something, maybe a bit more description or an extra line of dialogue. It was definitely a good story, but with a bit of fine tuning it could definitely be great.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Cute elevator romance. I really enjoyed the simplicity of your writing. You did a good job of distilling a tender moment into its bare essentials.

Story: Good story arc but it's lacking something. Perhaps there's another clue that Anna will meet Joe again? You did a good job of not making this too sappy.

Formatting: Good. Not much to nit pick.

Dialogue: Good.

Characters: Well drawn considering the space.

Rating: Good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

Excellent job! You told a complete story in a single page with fully established characters and great use of dialogue. I can't think of anything that would improve this script. Great job!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is beautiful. I wish there were more moments like this in real life. I wish people do stuff like this for real. Which means I can definitely relate. It's also very well written. Sorry I don't have anything constructive for you, I think you should leave it as is. Excellent from me.

I think it will come second, right after Suck. Let's see...

Kirk White (Level 5)

nicely done. my only real "critique" would be that I would have liked to see their relationship a little clearer: were they strangers? does he see her often in the same elevator? who are they to each other? but honestly I think this would be solved as you go to shoot it anyway so it's no biggie.

giving a very good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

What a sweet story. I wish there was more description of Anna. I like that fact that she does't say anything but a description of her briuses or of her hiding her bruise would of been nice.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love the simplicity of this story. An actor's short short, rife with potential. Joe's line, "Leave him," is unexpected. The narrative up to that point is terrific subtext; the line is a jolt of reality and perfect juxtaposition.
Sweet, with emotion. Catchy title. Excellent one-pager.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was a nice moment. I like that you didn't use the whole page.

However I think on film it will be difficult to make Joe's first line not creepy.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Nice and lovely story..overall I like the story
simple but nice. This is written very well
Something keep asking in my mind :
how did he know that this girl tears cause of "man problem" :)
anyway..I like it

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like the title. It fits well.

I like the idea here and I think you did a decent job. I thought of a couple of things that might be good additions if you could add another page.

A couple of your descriptions were hard to grasp. The opening word "compact" followed by "mirrors" - I had to read it over and at first thought I was looking into the mirror of a woman's compact. Just a little confusing. And later when Anna "comes into view through the mirror" made me think for a moment that she might be a ghost, otherwise he would have seen her as soon as the door of the "compact" elevator opened. It took a moment to realize that you were trying to do some camera direction there.

So I guess that he sees the bruise in the mirror. I like the fact that he's not making a move on her. That was handled nicely.

The one touch I would like to have seen is for Joe to have pulled one flower from the arrangement and maybe have a comment like "Someone else needs one too".

Overall I think it was well done and an easy read that delivered a pretty strong emotion.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Nice job. Very simple story with a lot going on. Nicely told. The title works well too.
I can see someone wanting to film this one.
Very Good

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Nice. I liked this. The title fits nicely and it was fun to read. I'm always a sucker for random acts of kindness, though.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is lovely - it works because the character's emotional map changes during the course of the action, prompted by the other character's choice. You tell us a lot visually - the bruise, the label, the flowers.

Very good well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

This is cute. I like this story. I like that the guy didn't ask for her number, just gave an advice from a heart. Just did a nice thing. It's a warm story, made me smile inside.
I don't see any flaws. Good luck.
Excellent.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is slickly written, quick to the point, and is nothing if not optimistic. A small set and not much in the way of props makes for an easy production, too. It's almost a beginning to something bigger, but the simple idea of Joe turning his mother's gift into an emotional band-aid with one motion is smart and visual and makes for a great hook.

If there's anything wrong, it's the unfortunate aftertaste - while on the surface, this is sweet, I can't see this as anything other than missing the boat. She's an abused woman. If she had been dumped, that's fine - in fact, that perfect. How to show that visually and efficiently is the trick. But throw abuse in - telling her to leave and then sending her on her way, just doesn't sit right. This woman needs help, and the bouquet loses its charm in the face of that hard fact.

It's a really nice idea, very well executed, but you need to fix that one important hiccup to make it flawless.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

The title fit a well written and good story. A bit predictable though. As soon as Joe showed up with the flowers, I knew how it would end. You still get my second Very Good for this month.

Not sure what else to say about it. I works well as it is. :)

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I get the feeling that Joe is not her son, and instead of giving the flowers to his mother, he gives it to her?

It was a nice sentimental piece. My biggest gripe is this line:

"I’ll trade you these for a smile."

It just feels corny. Work on this line and come up with something a bit better.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I’m guessing that Joe is Anne’s angel, but I'm not really sure. He knows Ann's situation well. We can all relate to someone who cares so much about one another and the dramatic bruising against someone. I feel that Ann has unconditioned love for him. The surprise twist at the end works. I haven’t found any errors in logic.

The dialogue is good. It adds subtext at the end too. It is written professionally.
Anne’s character is depressing. I also like the metaphor you added with her suddenly smiling. I think this made me assume that his guardian angel was there for him. Joe’s character is likable as well as Anne’s. Anne’s husband is the antagonist. But I wonder what will the husband do if she does leave.

The action lines are lean and clean. I think the action lines’ pacing got shorter because the author wanted to get the story across, an excellent method to make this story a fast and easy read.

I have nothing else to critique here.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I liked this quite a bit. I could visualize it very well and I think Joe played liked I hoped a guy would in those circumstances. The only note that rang false with me was at the end. Having Anna grin from ear to ear was over-the-top. I think it's too extreme of an arc from the dark place that she was in. Sure, he gave her hope and kindness but her reality is still very much intact and I would have preferred to see the beginnings of a trembling smile or the hint of a grin rather than an all-out cheery grin. Much would come down to the actor's delivery but this is an early favorite of mine and I hope you score well.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

That is sweet. A gentle happy ending. Very good. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very cute story, but I hope that he got his poor mother some more flowers. I like the idea of the story. The setting is good, and could be easily filmed on a low budget.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Nice sentiment. A very touching little vignette. But kind of a thin, predictable story. A guy holding a bouquet of flowers in an elevator with a teary-eyed girl...many things could have happened, but what DID happen was the most expected thing -- he gave her the flowers, and it cheered her up. A wonderful gesture by Joe, but a very predictable story.

A little twist or a surprise would have made this much more satisfying.

As written, it's touching and an enjoyable read. But it could have a lot more impact with a little more story.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Sweet. Good title too. You seem to have a little leftover space to work with, and I think it would have been a good idea to maybe use it to flesh out the Anna character, just a little bit. Then her moment at the end would hit home so much more effectively.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Bravo, nicely done. We should all practice random acts of kindness.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Extremely sweet.

I have only two comments:

1. Change the word "Slyly" to "Unobtrusively". Slyly makes Joe seem (for a second) like he's got negative ulterior motives. Unobtrusively (or some other similar word) makes it seem like he's hiding it so she won't see that the flowers were for someone else. Not that it would matter... of course they were... but it doesn't matter. He's a good guy!

2. You had a lot of room at the end of this and could have played it out a little more... given us more excellent writing.

A fine script. Well done!!!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This is the beginning of a story, but nothing has happened yet. We do not know if this gesture is truly a catalyst for change. Regardless, you write well and this one-pager has great pace.

I certainly hope you expand upon the story a bit once the contest ends.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 12:46 AM

Congrats on your third place!! It was a sweet story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 3:15 AM

Wow. This is another I didn't get to review. Congratulations!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 8/1/2012 3:16 AM

lol This one's my favorite for the month.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 4:56 AM

This is so beautiful! Congrats for the third place, Happy to see it on top!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 3:40 PM

I loved this. Great, great, writing.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 4:28 PM

Glad to see this one place - love those random acts of kindness.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 5:57 PM

Thank you everyone for the great words! Some really awesome critiques here as well that could really make this better. Thanks once again!

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2012 2:48 PM

Derek - Good job on this. I expected it would do well. Maybe his last line is "People don't change." You got a bit of advice on the last line. I think you can get something that hits harder.

You might be able to create more of a character arc if you extend this and show that Joe knows what he's talking about - his mother is also abused. It's something I was thinking in my review. He keeps a flower for his mom since he's expecting to see a bruise on her face as well. Could you open with a scene in her apt with her applying makeup to cover her own bruise and possibly catch a glimpse of a photo of Joe?