Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I think the story is probably good but there are a number of problems that make it difficult to follow the story. Fix them, and it will be much better. Your screenplay reads like a novel or short story. You have a lot of "fluff" that doesn't add anything to the story but has the negative of slowing the reader down and hiding the story. Screenplays read much easier and flow, keeping the story moving forward, with short sentences. Your sentences are very long. Break them down into smaller sentences and your story will improve a great deal. You have a number of typos that need to be fixed. Get rid of as many adverbs as possible. They slow the screenplay down and don't add much.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

Oh, poor Marion! What a sad little Christmas tale. I thought it was really well done and would probably really like it as a short. Really good job building a little world and some well rounded characters.

Maybe add a little more to Henry; I don't have as strong a sense of him as I would like to.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Very sad and haunting. I think the setting descriptions are great, there is a definite tone to this. The last paragraph is fantastic and filled with subtext, I love it.

I feel like Marjorie would have questioned the appearance of the baby more, or that there would have been formalities in adopting her...not that it had to be in this script, but it was nagging at me just a bit. I'm not sure how that could have been handled but perhaps with just a line, maybe Henry works for a social service agency?

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The script was good. I noticed a few minor typos that spellcheck would have caught. The only thing about the story that didn't really add up for me was why she waited for 5 years to off herself.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

What a heartwarming tale. Except i have a problem with the story, it seems like something on lifetime and not real.(irony in that)

Really theres nothing for me to bash on, just i didn't like the story. But you wrote it well, if that even makes sense.

Here we go: you wrote it well, i just didn't like the idea. Consider me the grinch.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was a moving story, visually written.

I got confused early on with the compass points - was that necessary?

It's not such a good idea to put that someone is 25 but could pass for 40. How on earth are you going to show that?

I wasn't QUITE sure why Henry wouldn't have stayed with Marion, or why Marion was quite as accepting. It just didn't quite ring true for me. But very good nonetheless.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Excellent.
Great story, expertly told.
You capture the time and place very well.
I only have two, almost insignificant comments:

1. You don't have to tell us that the well is the town's water supply; and
2. I was really hoping she'd walk into that church and claim what was hers rather than doing the same ole meloncholy jump of the bridge suicide thing. Such conflict!! and would have been a surprise ending. In my opinion that probably would have made this one unbeatable (which it might be anyway).
Excellent Job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was great.

I love the story and the characters. Great flashback.

My only suggestion, I think this story might have more dialogue than necessary - especially during the flashback and during the end.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

An old-fashioned, bittersweet, almost gothic tale of loss and deep, deep pain. Reminded me of Chekov. This would be tricky to pull off in production but if you have the right director and actors it could be very powerful. Well done.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This was an unexpected story. I loved the description of the town. It was obvious a period piece done very well.

The dialogue was easy to read even if done in an accenct. I personally like that touch.

Only one thing stands out to me as to why Henry would let her be so down and out to the point of suicide - but other than that, I was able to stay completely in the story.

Good luck

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Awww… what a sad Christmas story, sad but good. This had a nice little twist; that Marion is the mother of the child and is the only reason Marjorie even has a child. I was expecting a different kind of ending, one that is not so depressing, but I guess this does have its own kind of dark poetry to it that makes it a really good script. At first I kept getting a little confused as to who was speaking; Marion or Marjorie, because their names look alike when reading. But I got it figured out once I went back up to see what the poor woman’s name was again. Interesting Fade Outs throughout the script. I think it helped with the dark feel and made it seem longer. (Though I think that Fade Ins are to the left and Fade Outs are to the right?)

Anyway, good script. I think you translated a clear, dark mood to the reader very nicely. Keep up the good work! :D

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

Very well written. Full of emotion. There may have been more opportunity to play on the main characters, perhaps more of an exchange as they pass each other.


Be careful introducing characters age, try to be consistent (40's, 50's or forties, fifties, five, etc). It will read better.

The setting could have been described in far fewer words. A "SUPER: 1900" and brief description of Christams carolers would have sufficed.

Other than the above mentioned things, a really well told story, reminded me quite a lot of It's A Wonderful Life.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Nice and depressing, makes a change from the others, so well done on originality. A few points, why is Majorie so hostel towards the woman. And since I presume Henry had the affair how does he get off looking like the good guy? The ending while nice was overplayed with her giving a death speech. Over all it was well written, nice emotion, but so packed in that it did have time grow to such a dramatic climax.

James Cheatham (Level 3)

Very well-written, sweet story. I don't really know what else to say except go out and film it. :)

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

A good sad story. I felt a slight resistance to the dialogue though. Early 1900s was a pretty modern time. The language (and maybe some of the aspersions cast on the poor just for being poor) seemed as if they belonged to an older time period. The situation of course, is sadly timeless. The characters were vividly drawn.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Dark and desperate if not brooding tale. Maid Marion and the rest of the bridgefolk extend little Christmas cheer. (seating/sitting) (accepted std may be a fade in after a fade to black) Otherwise well told.

John Foley (Level 4)

I liked that script told the story using mostly visual actions. It turned out to be a dark script for me. I thought there going to be some redeeming act at the end. However, I like a script that turns out to be something I did not expect.

Kirk White (Level 5)

giving an excellent. I thought this was truly lovely. Haunting, sad and tragic...a small hint of melodrama but the period kinda begs for it. I think the ending image of the footprint's getting erased by the snow was one of the strongest I've read in a long time!

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I had a feeling that there was something that had gone on with Marion and Henry. I think it is very sad that Marion decides to commit suicide especially on Christmas Eve. Just a suggestion... Perhaps to add more conflict you can have Marion confront Henry in front of everyone about the child. It would be interesting to see the reactions of Henry his wife the child and the villagers.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Sad and dark. My kind of stuff :-)

Marion is an easy-to-root for character and you really make her go through a lot. This script ain’t lacking in conflict, that’s for sure.

With such a likeable protagonist and a strong main conflict, I think it you could really improve this piece if you made Marion less passive. I mean, she just watches her problems from the distance instead of actively doing something to solve them. She doesn’t have to succeed, of course, but if she actively tried to do something, this script would me more interesting.

I enjoyed the reading, good job.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

The set-up felt somewhat prolonged here. That said, the twist at the top of page 3 was something I didn't see coming. I think it was Lew Hunter (in his book SCREENWRITING 401) who said that you don't need to kill off your protagonist to achieve narrative closure. With that in mind, I'm left wondering if there wasn't a different direction you could have gone with this. I would've liked to have seen the complications that arose as a result of the secret they were keeping. With regards to her jumping from the bridge (I'm assuming she's now dead), you've described the river on page one as being "narrow", so I'm picturing a bridge maybe 15 feets above a river that's knee deep (i.e. not one that a fall into would necessary kill). Now, if you'd described it as a bridge spanning a gorge at the bottom of which were rushing rapids, THEN I would've believed she could've died. I'm scoring you a GOOD for this one nevertheless.

Mike Snyder (Level 1)

Wow, I really liked your script.You showed great storytelling ability, as well as wonderful character development.I loved the dark tone that was present throughout this script.

Excellent!

-Mike

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

An extremely descriptive tale! The images displayed perfectly in my head due to the writer's attention to detail. I might lean out some action lines and add a bit more dialogue. The opening was excellent but could be shortened. There were a couple of grammatical errors as well, otherwise very well done.

Paul Young (Level 3)

That sure was a sad one without any hope of a happy ending. Marion should have just run off with her baby and found someone new. She should have loved herself first. Poor girl.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Very Good I thought.

You told a complete story.

I don't think I have any suggestions even. It works well the way it is right now.

Great job!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Powerfully written and masterfully told. The opening was a bit wordy on description but the dialogue sparked things up quickly. I would suggest changing one of the names either Marion or Marjorie to something other than an "M" name to make it an easier read. The flashback to Marion's room is critical and I wanted to know more about her background with Henry. Is there a way to show that she desperately needed money and took the locket as a way to survive? I wasn't quite sure why she agreed to give up the baby. Was it just her love for Henry? If that could be clearer, I think the script would be fabulous. The ending, while sad is very well-written and visually this would work extremely well. Tremendous job. It's not easy to convey so much emotion is such a short script. Well done.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm giving this a very good, because I was drawn into the story right away. I'd have given it an excellent, if the writing had been a little clearer and not quite so stiff.

I felt you did a great job with telling this sad story. I'd consider changing one of the women's names, because Marjorie and Marion are sort of too similar to be on the same page. (Just my thoughts)

Anyway, lots of levels in the story, and layers

good job

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Bravo! I truly enjoyed this story.

In my opinion, one of your slug lines seems odd.

INT. MARION’S ROOM - NIGHT - 5 YEARS PRIOR

You are showing us a flashback. Shouldn't we use FLASHBACK instead of 5 YEARS PRIOR?

This dialogue struck me as an awesome piece of writing.

Virgin Mary. Could you carry me?
Close to your bosom and in your
loving arms. Could you carry me?
To the gates of Eternity.

Excellent!!!

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This was a very touching story. The script was beautifully written. Nice job.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Good. Tragic and touching. There was a lot that I liked about this. The characters are well drawn, their relationships interesting. And Christmas tis the season for suicide and depression. Overall, and this is my personal taste talking here, I found it too prosaic and a little too predictable. Everyone did the expected thing. Methinks others would enjoy this more that yours truly.

Terence Ang (Level 3)

Good storytelling, great use of flashback that was linked by the pendant. The story felt sad, and you'd almost wished there was an extended third act somewhere. Overall, I felt the story had a good pace and arc, just that you'd wished the irony would have befallen Marjorie instead of Marion.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

I was very impressed by your script, it is by far the best five pages I have ever read, let me know if you need a writing partner. Your are a force in the making!!! Congratulations!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Sad, effective and visual.

Henry -- a bit of a coward, becomes more unlikable than his wife as the story unfolds. I'm not sure that was your intention, but a better defense of Marion's honor at the outset would make me see him differently, or at least better support of his daughter's mother.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You have created a fine sense of Victorian atmosphere, the language, the morality, and the formality amidst this cruel moment in a young woman's life. It may be a little underwritten - you could have used that fifth page to give your piece greater reverberation, but what is there is effective. The ending is tragic, as it should be. Holding together is your sense of period and style. Very close to a 5.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This is really close to being very good, however, too much of the dialogue between Henry and Marion, as well as Marion's prayer at the end, is to spot-on. In turn, this makes the script a melodramatic LifeTime original. Also, this needs to be proofread. There are spelling and punctuation errors. Furthermore, the line that begins "A tears rolls down her cheek..." has to have the "her" clearly defined. Although it is Marion, when reading a script, the character names need to appear more often for clarity.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2008 12:55 PM

I thought this was lovely. It was the first script I read this month and the story stuck with me. It was haunting.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2008 5:12 PM

Very happy with the diversed reviews.
You guys have given me heaps of great feedback to work with.
Glad that most of you enjoyed this tale.

Thanks Chris, I never will know how you get the time to post two reviews every contest.

Thank you all for the read.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4) ~ 1/2/2008 6:37 AM

I must say, scoring 20% excellent this month, has uplifted my spirit.
I have compared my scores over the last few months and without the help of all the reviews and feedback, my writing would not have improved.

Thank you all for your help.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/3/2008 7:33 AM

Wow, this was the first one I read last month as well. Odd.
Anyway, I gave it an excellent and thought it would definately be in the top 3. Great job, Elisabeth.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4) ~ 1/3/2008 7:43 AM

Thank you Charlie,
One day maybe I'll reach the top of that ladder, lol.
It seems awfully high up there; I must be missing a few rungs, lol.
I'm so glad you liked it. thanks again.
Elisabeth

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/3/2008 12:35 PM

Elisabeth, I thought this was visually stunning. Tim Burton should film it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/3/2008 1:51 PM

Still think you should consider an alternate ending though...