Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

This story is a lot of fun. I like the way you play with commonly known characters and their stereotypes. The ending is fun too. I enjoyed your dialog. All in all, it's very clever. Thanks! On a minor note, your screenplay should start with "FADE IN" and page one is generally not numbered.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

GOOD
I'm grudingly giving this a good and I'll explain why. It was fun and amusing in places. The reason it's grudginly is that i have a problem with scripts that use established characters to garner laughs. Also it's almost like the script centres it's comedy on the observational humor of someone elses creation. This is only funny because it's Lois and Superman at a marriage counsellor and that's only funny because it uses situations and powers that were created by someone else. Funny admittedly, but lacking any substance. That said, great dialogue for the most part and succinct well written action description.

Oh and for the record Superman can't do anything to do with time. That's just a moronic invention of the screenwriter that most of us boyhood comic book fans still plan to exact revenge for. I'm channeling my past life of geekdom for that one.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Text that appears on screen is always capitalized, whether it's really capitalized or not.

There are a few, small errors with dialogue. Action in dialogue looks like this:

LOIS
blah blah
(action)
blah blah

I love it! It's hilarious. Great job.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I knew from the title alone I was going to like this and I was right. Awesome idea and it never lost steam. Really, really funny. People would love to film this.

I laughed throughout, top marks from me...nothing negative to say! Great work.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I'm a comic geek, so I thought it was hilarious. But DC Comics is going to sue your ass. Change the names, Superguy, RatMan, Lois Lang, then you can get away with it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was alright. I liked the concept of it more than I liked the script. I think there were some really fun ideas in here but I think if you are going to use pre-existing charcaters, you should try to keep them in character. The moment we realize Superman is blundering idiot, it took me right out of the story because he's never been a blundering idiot in the comics, shows or films he's been in.

The writing was up to par, but the story could use some retooling I think. Nice work though. Like I said, I really liked the concept. I just think it needs some polish.

Caleb Parazette (Level 3)

Very funny. Nasty title which will probably lose you a point. In fact it just did.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable with sparky dialogue and made me smile.

I couldn't understand how Lois and Dr. Phyllis would know about the reversing time thing if it had happened.

To me, it was more like a comedy sketch, albeit funny, than a screenplay that told a story, had a beginning, middle and end and character arcs etc.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title.

I thought this was very funny.

It reads like a MAD TV or SNL skit. I just wish there was a little more depth to it. Most of the humor feels fresh and original, but there are some moments that feel a little worn (for example, Batman and Robin are gay).

I love the way you use his ability to reverse time - very clever.

Chris Thomas (Level 3)

Very funny. Personally, I was hoping he would rip Lois in half like a phone book, but what you had down was awesome too :-)

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

It’s always fun when a writer takes something familiar (a character we all know) and plays with our perceptions of that familiar item.

I like the payoff at the end of the script. The grappling hook comment was a hoot.

We can always argue about the merits of a talking heads approach to a script. Some additional action, activity, visual movement during the early pages could have added some punch. Some of the earlier dialog didn’t thrill me as much. Still good and all, but it did seem as though there was a great need to be sure and tell all the jokes possible. Perhaps some of them were a bit forced for my tastes but again, I think the ending really pulled this one out for me.

I suspect the writer smiled all the way through creation of the script.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Hilarious! Your dialogue and action lines were great. I loved the twist and Lois catching him in his "lie."

Sorry, can't find anything to improve. Excellent job!

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Liked this. Well written, good dialogue and a funny script, came right after a script that made me feel a bit horrible and this was exactly what I needed to read.

* Very Good

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

"You don't tug on Superman's cape."
Plus: humorous lampoon; leans on existing knowledge
Minus: send-up (or put-down) of a big fat target; DC Comics would squawk; where's Clark Kent?
Scores well as an SNL or MAD TV skit, as a screenplay - not so well (if it wasn't for that copyright thing).

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Of course, licensing the characters would be a problem, but as a comedy I think that it could work okay. Much of the humor is the shocking juxtaposition of Superman's stupidity with the viewer's preconceived notions of the character. That's a concern if the audience objects to such a contrast. I would consider enhancing the therapist's role a little; she has the potential to come up with some zingers. The title doesn't work for me at all; Lois is caustic, but the story seems to be more about Superman's stupidity.

Jon Watts (Level 3)

HA! Great scene, very original. I see Patrick Warburton (The Tick) playing Superman and Joan Cusack as Lois.

Jonathan D. Greene (Level 2)

Somewhat funny, but not really engaging and hillarious (to me anyway). Overall kind of flat.

Seems to borrow from 'The Incredibles' and borrow from the comics, but does so in greater proportion than it presents new material or ideas.

The writing is clean and well-formatted.

Kirk White (Level 5)

giving a very good. I really liked this. obviously unmakable until you're famous or send it to Robot Chicken. but very funny. great with the reverse time thing!

I don't think the "grappling Hook" ending works as well as you think...and I kinda don't want Lois to get wise. other than that...it's solid.

great work!

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I don't know about the title. But I really did enjoy the story. You did a very good job pointing out how "dimwitted" Superman is, at least in this story. Good job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Haha! Very funny!

It started out great. It was very good how Superman finds out that Lois was banging Batman. Very funny scenario.

Then it got a bit repetitive since, despite the variety of Lois’s cruel jokes, they were all the same at their core.

The reverse-time trick that superman does at the end felt like a needed injection of fresh air; perhaps you could get there earlier?

Anyways it ends as well as it started.

Wouldn’t be surprised if this one makes it to the top three.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Hillarious.

One of the things that makes this work as a short story, is the familiarity of the characters. We all know Superman, Lois, and the Bat duo are. Good tip for all writers of shorts to remember: pick familiar subjects, events to fill in your backstory.

Excellent job.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

VERY GOOD. I got a couple of chuckles out of it. Well done.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Original concept and it had it's witty moments. I think you've got a big copyright problem, though, which would make this difficult to get made. I wasn't aware that Superman had the ability to fly back in time (does he? or is this just a creative liberty you've taken?). I'm scoring you a GOOD for this.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!! All I can say is F_ _ _ ING PHENOMENAL! I almost had to change my shorts. A DEFINITE 5! I'm saving this one to my hard drive for when I'm depressed. HILARIOUS!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I really liked this one. Thought it was clever and funny too.

I don't have much to say really other than great job!

My vote: VERY GOOD

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Great story. I loved it. I thought it was very clever and amusing, and some great jokes.

My only real comment would be that you would end it right after he does the flying backwards thing. If you ended it there, it packs much more of a wallop, than continuing with those extra few lines.

However, this could be totally hilarious with the right actors. I can visualize it totally.

What I liked ...

I love this idea, and the setting. I think it works on a lot of levels. There's a lot of playful humor, that pushes the story forward.

Samantha Crawford (Level 2)

very funny. good use of characters.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

That was cute, I was laughing the whole way threw. This was cleverly written. Nice job.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Hilarious! Laughed out loud, especially liked the twist at the end. Bonus point for the best title this month. Remind me to tell you the one about Superman, Lois Lane, and the Invisible Man...

Terence Ang (Level 3)

A pretty smart-alecky type of story. Humorous, relatable and innovative. At first, I thought the story would veer along the path of 'Who Wants to be a SuperHero' reality TV. But as you plow along, you realize that Superman's an interesting character all of a sudden, not Lois or Dr. Phyllis. It is thus true that action speaks louder than words in this case. His actions.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

It's a funny concept, with some good lines thrown in there. Like the turning back time twist.

Don't necessarily like the "talking head" aspect of the script. I think my biggest problem with it is that it's basically just a married couple fighting and insulting each other. there are clever lines in there, but it seems the entire purpose of the script is those clever lines. personally, I think clever lines should be accents to a strong story. I think the story here is a little lacking.

But overall, it's a good effort, well-written, etc...

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable. Solid humor. It had a bit of "The Tick" feel to it for me. Imaginative. Well done.

William Coleman (Level 5)

The take on superheroes is always amusing. The ribald dialog works. My problem with the script is that it needs a stronger through-line. At this stage of the writing, it is a stage for some very clever jokes and observations about some truly American fictional icons.

It is also high verbal. You have actually written a short one-act play rather than a film script.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

But the window wouldn't be broken if he went back in time! Funny and cute, but the ending needs to be reworked since the broken window would be fixed. Furthermore, Superman can just go back in time and prevent Lois Lane from hooking up with Batman. Regardless, there are some great lines with a super title to boot.

Comments Made After the Contest

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:01 AM

Nice job, Charlie. I thought this or the one about Garbage was yours.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 12:25 AM

Couldn't review this but the dialog's are hilarious. It feels like a MAD TV skit or an SNL skit back when SNL was good.

Some of your jokes feel like you haven't refreshed your comic book mythology. You could have slipped in a kryptonite joke blaming Superman's stupidity on it instead of blaming ole god.

If he exits breaking the window and reverses time, would he enter through the now, fixed window? Maybe coz' he's stupid.

I liked it. It was very much like Kevin Smith's writing in Clerks.

Love your style man.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2008 12:29 AM

Congratulations on winning third place. I am so envious of people who can write comedy. Very well done.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 12:34 AM

Great stuff, mate! (Am I now on your GOOD side?!)

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2008 1:22 AM

Congrats Charlie!!!

This one was very fun to read, I loved it. It would be a great one to see on screen.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 1:37 AM

Congrats Charlie. Really enjoyed reading this one.

Gary Murphy (Level 3) ~ 2/1/2008 1:53 AM

Well done Charlie, It was a really good script. Nice one.

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 3:42 AM

Congrats, Charlie! Ohhh, was I ever ignorant about Superman before this. I went to work the next day and got schooled by one of my co-workers on comic books went I brought up the whole flying backwards in time bit... I will never allow myself to be so in the dark again. :) Way to go!

Barbara Lewis (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 5:21 AM

Charlie - loved, loved, loved it. Congrats!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 6:35 AM

I should have guessed this was yours :-)

Awesome man, congratulations.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 7:45 AM

Thanks, guys, this one's a total surprise.
You getting there, Caroline, try giving me more public praise.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2008 9:24 AM

Congratulations Charlie!!

I didn't read all of them this time, but of the ones I read I enjoyed reading this one the most.

Pia

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2008 3:53 PM

Great job Charlie! Just want to let you know your story was #1 this month IMO! Great job! It had me rolling on the floor.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2008 7:17 PM

Thanks Pia and Paul

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4) ~ 2/3/2008 10:19 AM

Charlie, this was so funny. I thought the best part was when he went back in time, that was great. Congrats on third place!!!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/4/2008 5:29 PM

Thanks, Stephenie. As much as I whined about not being able to enter, I'm glad I at least placed. :0