Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I like this one a lot. The "But the bird was the sacrifice" line gave me a right shiver. Very nice work -- one of my favorites this month.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Nice twist. I really liked the ambience you created. I could see it being played out on film.

Audrey Webster (Level 2)

Definitely a nice twist at the end.

The dialogue between the boys didn't seem realistic. It moved really fast from point to point, with no actions inbetween to reveal anything about the two boys.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this a great deal, Simple, and short and with a brilliant twist at the end. The only thing that jarred was Matthew's use of the phrase 'Oh my God' when he realised his fate. It just didn't ring true for a child.

Good stuff though.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Nice and creepy. At first I was going to ding you for the way Matthew spoke - kids these days don't say those things - until the end when we find out he died in the early 70's. I thought that was a really nice touch.

Great description, you set the scene very well. The only thing that really bothered me was how quickly the sun set and the moon rose into the sky, like in a minute. Don't know why, that just distracted me. Good job, though, think this one would make a really interesting, creepy short.

(Something else that I thought about, since you had room, it might be freaky and more cinematic when William begins to fade out, if he turns his head and has like some type of trauma on the side of his face, as though he died in an accident. Just a thought).

Dennis Khaye (Level 2)

I think I liked it better when I thought one of the boys was alive. How did a dead boy sacrifice the bird in the first place? The dialog where they exchange ages and where Matthew calls himself "Matthew Cabot Jr." seems very strained; not natural at all.

I don't think of the wind as 'uncovering' headstones as much as them being revealed to the audience by camera movement which you can hint at with your formatting.

There's a lot of room for more here. You have four pages and a lot of your dialog is repetitive. I think this story could have played out better if it did something more than end in an illogical twist.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

I really liked the pacing in this story. I knew Matthew was a spirit, but was surprised to learn William was, too. Nice touch.

Good, tight dialogue. Nothing dragged here. I think some of the dialogue could be taken out though...not much, just a little here & there to tighten the script even more.

Overall very well written, nice visual description.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Good effort here, it feels errie and the backdrop is perfect. I would of like to see one of the boys read the tombstone though. If he does, I think it's a little unclear. I got lost at the "oh my God",does he see or or not? Overall good effort.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

This was a great idea - but not creepy or atmospheric enough as a ghost story. Whilst the boys' dialogue was appropriate for their ages, I would have liked to have felt more tension between them or more disbelief from Matthew.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

I really liked this a lot. Great idea. The only thing I would have changed was the "oh my god" - it just didn't ring true for me. I think it took away from what happened next. I was also wondering how the first boy ghost was raised from the dead. I thought one of them would have been real. But really - a great job.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

I liked your setting and tone - very consistent throughout. The dialogue in the beginning seemed forced, though and the ending just confused me - it was hard to follow the dialogu. If they were both dead all along, then why was Matthew shocked by what he saw and clueless about raising the dead and surprised that the bird was the sacrifice? and why did William grow pale? (name typo?)

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

This was fun and the ending was unexpected. I was a little confused when William disappeared into the mist - did he run off into it or "disappeared"? It does become apparent what has happened when Matthew disappears. Nice script.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I thought the script moved along very nicely. I was surprised by the ending. I think it was a good idea to separate the two children by a generation or so. It proves that children are children and are basically the same, no matter what decade they were born in. Nice job.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Clever story. Strong atmosphere, suspense, and an interesting twist at the end.

I think the twist is effective because the clues are there in Matthew's dialogue. However, I think you cheated slightly by not describing their clothes. I wasn't sure if this was contemporary or a period piece until the end.

Other than that I thought this was a solid piece with a great atmosphere and a satisfying conclusion.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

The imagery is perfect for the story. The dialog seemed to fit the characters. I have to admit that I guessed the ending. I enjoyed this script. It was written well and easily understood. Not a word wasted.

Medric Sydnor Jr. (Level 1)

i love it!!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought this was a nice spooky little story.

I admit that I had to read the ending twice to get it. :-)

Good job. I can't really think of anything else to say.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Loved it. I figured there was going to be a twist at the end but I thought it was going to be William sacrificing Matthew...yours was written much better and it gave me a little chill down my spine. It amazes me the story told with only 4 pages. Awesome job!

Good luck to you.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting. I anticipated a Sixth Sense type of twist to come at the end when Matthew just "appears" in the graveyard. I liked the boys exchanges and I felt that the dialogue captured their ages well in response to the challenege. I loved that these two boys are from different generations and then meet up and talk as if they've just found each other in the neighborhood. I wondered about how each would have been dressed. Would that have signaled more about when they lived and died? Very atmospheric. Good visuals. Liked it.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

It think that this is a very good piece of writing But, screen-writing? Not exactly.

Your description of the setting and atmosphere is excellent and conveys the mood well. But you have not described the boys to me.

Now I know that it is not necessary to give me a physical description and dialog can work wonders and you have used dialog to supply me with the age of the characters and some of the physical traits like Matthew's size and your cemetery setting should be clue enough to the twist at the end.

But when we see the film, I shall see that William is dressed in the clothes he was buried in, maybe, maybe not, but most likely, cause he has a gravestone and therefore he isn't here by accident but on account of being buried. Ditto Matthew. Being born in the 60's I am sure he has different clothes.

You left that out but would that be left out on screen as well and we will see them in generic clothes? Or how they died physically?

In that case the whole thing comes across as leading to the plot twist at the end, which again I did not quite digest.

Maybe kid spirits have to adhere to curfew, but won't spirits be more active at night? You have them disappear away into the mist. Now I have to browse about the occult.

Many movies and most recently "The Others" tried this very well and I give you kudos for going the route but it wasn't quite up to the mark.

Then again there is another layer of a lonely boy going to great lengths to find a friend which was a great premise, but he scares the spirits out of his new friend and maybe lost a friend.

Next time he better sacrifice a rabbit or something to raise a much fearless spirit.

Technical and dialog writing was great and that has held the piece together.

Thanks for submitting the script.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Very good story and that is what this competition is all about. Hey, I sound like that American Idol dude. Really, this was a fast read, kept my attention, and end with purpose. Two thumbs up.

Spencer

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

I love kids in cemeteries! The biggest thing to work on would be your dialog. Kids just don't talk this way (I have 3 boys, and if any of them actually walked up and said "hi, my names so-and-so and I'm nine, how old are you" and "I'm fast as the dickens" I would think they were possessed) Dialog is VERY hard to nail in adults and even harder with kids if you're not subjected to hearing them day in and out ... never shutting up. Anyways, I love the twist at the end. I mean, I could kind of see it coming but dead kids just creep me out. A tweak of dialog would make this one shine. Good job!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I quite enjoyed this one. I did have to read it several times to understand as much as I could and these are the questions I was left with, (not that all questions have to be answered): What happened before the sparrow died? Was it a landing on William's grave that started this domino effect or something else? How does William know what's happening, but not Matthew? Is it because William has been un-dead a few minutes longer than Matthew? Should there be two dead birds since two boys rose from the dead? I like the use of your setting moon, and owl, to indicate that these kids can't play at night, but only during the day; and that their making a play date for the next day means more rising to be done, (that's my take anyway). Sometimes leaving a question or two can enhance a script, but for this particular story, there are too many questions. This has a ton of potential, and the setting would be appealing to witness. Thank you.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Okay

William Coleman (Level 5)

The opening paragraphs present strong, dramatic images. The one piece of clumsiness in exposition is the awkward setting out of their ages. At four pages, you have a page to ease this info out.

I have one question. Matthew is shocked to see William fade away when he himself is a ghost from the past.

However, the eerie ending pushes this aside.

Clear, economically written. Perhaps a little more relaxation in the dialog exchanges. The more you make this kids seem like normal kids considering being playmates, the more shock you'll have in your ending.

Comments Made After the Contest

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2007 12:16 AM

Chris, I was trying to go over my comments late tonight while also trying to submit, and I forget to get back to this script... was trying to get the last review in, which I did not make it in time.

I was a bit confused by both being dead? Eerie mood, well done and well placed. I love the dialogue. The way they speak to one another only adds to the eerie mood you have created with your other visuals.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2007 8:27 AM

Chris, I wondered if this was yours! I really liked it -- truly one of my favorites this month.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2007 9:13 AM

First, thank you all for the wonderful comments. They are extremely helpful.

The basic premise for this story had been in my head for a few weeks. I'm afraid I rushed it a bit in this draft, but I'm looking forward to taking my time with a rewrite.

Several people mentioned the dialogue. I was trying to capture the two different time periods they came from, but it definitely needs some more work. Also, I can't believe I forgot to mention their clothes.

Oh well, lots of fun things to play with in the next draft.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2007 9:53 AM

Chris, honestly, re-write and film this in time for October. I want to see it for Halloween.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2007 11:20 AM

Chris, I enjoyed the dialogue. I don't feel that it misrepresents a pre-teen. It adds to the spookiness, which I enjoyed.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2007 11:28 AM

I wanted William to be a little strange. I imagined him as a smart, but small and sickly child who never got out of the house much. He died from his illness. I think I was trying to channel "Dill" from "To Kill a Mockingbird", but oddly enough I'm not quite as good a writer as Harper Lee. :)

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3) ~ 5/1/2007 11:53 AM

Really nice script Chris. I liked this one a lot.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 5/2/2007 7:14 AM

Chris, I'll look forward to the rewrite. I think if you draw some attention to the different time periods via clothes, language etc. it will be an outstanding short. I curiously contemplated lifting your comment to use as my logline: A young boy's desire to play and dream. I still may if I do rewrite the script. Thanks for your kind words on mine by the way. I wasn't sure if you remembered the earlier version from the previous MoviePoet contest.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 6/16/2011 8:54 AM

How about it? Let me shoot this for the MP film contest this year! :)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/20/2011 10:46 AM

Rich, Thanks for your interest, but I think I'm going to try and shoot this myself at some point.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4) ~ 6/23/2011 10:11 AM

I think you have to. Re-write and shot it yourself bro. I enjoyed it. Just read it.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 6/27/2011 9:52 AM

Fine! I'll bug you again next year, take your time...it's only been 4 years! :)