Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

This is a good story. I think you could even expand on it a little bit if you want it to. Lots of subtext in the dialog which I like and good use of symbolism. You have some typos.

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

This was a decent story. I dig the concept and I think the death was handled well.. sex as death.. I had a little problem with some of the dialogue. The line where she says that he looks like a beautiful vampire, dude that's sick.. didn't sound right to me. the bit about getting paid.. also rang a bit stilted. the you look thin line followed by damn, you look good.. sounded off also.

but otherwise.. I like the concept a bunch.. creative approach to sex to say the least.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Great dialogue which fit the characters especially Janice. I liked the ending but I might explain the overdose more visually. It is hinted at when she glances at the bottle and pills so that might have been sufficent. I would have also liked the relationship between the Reaper and Janice defined some more--maybe just a quick image of something from the past. Loveed the image of Janice becoming the Reaper and the Reaper morphing to her. Great job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The concept here was pretty original and fun, but I felt like the script itself could have been executed better. Nearly the first 2 pages were dialogue. I think you could have injected some descriptive paragraphs there to break it up and help give us a better mental image of what was going on.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Amy Winehouse in the lead role? (Although a bit too young)

The first page of chat I thought went on a bit too long.

I thought this was great but I got confused. She held the scythe to the Angel of Death's throat. Why? Then, the Reaper has the scythe jammed in his chest and he is lifeless - so that, to me, means that death has been vanquished - and yet, she still dies...

So - I think that needs sorting out a bit. I don't think I'm dumb, which you might - it just wasn't clear the way it was written.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Excellent. What a sick and wonderful imagination you have. Making love to death.
Feel like I need to read this again to really get it, but can say, job well done. Your writing is strong, your story deep, and I could really see this as a successful short - would be great for a film fest entry.
Thanks for a memorable read, this one will definately be a contender this month.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a very intriguing story.

I love the setup, this rocker chick and her relationship with the angel of death. The ending was a little confusing to me, I'm not sure why the reaper traded places with her. I wish there was a little more between them that revealed their history.

Still, this was a great read and I hope I get to read a rewrite of this.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I thought this was absolutely dreadful. I'm sorry. I will try to explain with as much brevity as possible: it was overly artistic, it relied heavily on its dialogue and also on its corny attempts (or at least it definitely seemed like attempts) at symbolic/thematic genius, it was not an interesting topic, and all of the experimental/artistic ideas it forced upon the reader were too much for just a screenplay (leave stuff like that to your director)

David Payne (Level 1)

I really like the idea but it just needed to be made a bit clearer as to the exchange taking place. I had to read it twice and then some to see if I missed anything to get it. It would really benefit from a few more drafts to fill out the story. It kind of feels like I should know the history between the two but it's not really revealed well. I hope you keep working on it as it does have potential. Keep pushing.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Interesting. Clean dialogue. Not too much description and I really am starting to appreciate that. Didn't really understand the relationship, but the end was good.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Wow, nice and short. I liked this, very good story and nicely written.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

You have an interesting idea, but the script seems rushed. The dialouge really jarred in places, mainly because I didn't really get sense of who your characters were. I think this would be interesting to revisit and tighten up.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

That was pretty cool. Funny how they talked to eachother. This was a well written, interesting story. Good job. :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

There’s a lot of imagination in this tale. I enjoyed the bits of originality here and there but, unfortunately, they didn’t sum up a whole. The story was a bit too random for me.

It seemed like you had more ideas than this storyline could bear. You squeezed too much in here.

Death impersonated and death having an affair with your protagonist are weird but interesting angles. But then Janice kills Death (apparently) and then Death’s body turns into Janice’s body. I think that your premise got a little bit muddy here.

It was quite an interesting read though.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That could look good on film. I liked the concept and thought it could be expanded a bit more to show a bit more of Janice in real life. I think her dance with death can be upped a bit more, more tension should be created. Does she have anything to lose? It was VERY GOOD though.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I kept trying to picture Britney Spears in this one, laying sprawled out in her mansion, just asking for death to come. I like that you established a history between Janice and the Reaper, but I'm not so sure anything new really happens between them. They seem to more or less reminisce about old times and they speak in really vague terms. I'm scoring you a GOOD, but I think you could make it better by using up a couple more pages.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Title asks and the plot delivers.

It's a good thing you kept this to 3 pages. I like the visual choices in your descriptions and how it is motivated by the events occurring.

I had to read the script twice though to figure out what actually transpired through the dialog as most of the actions kept throwing twists at me.

The first lovemaking is passionate but quick. Is the second time around intentionally slow to signify the last time they make love or that they are exchanging souls? Or are most angels of death dead rock artists who OD'd on drugs and booze?

You get points for originality and dialog and there is a macabre quality that I like about this piece.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I was a little confused by the story. I'm thinking the angel of death came to Janice and she'd really died of an overdose? And all this was a dream, or was it real?

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought this was a really good script. Your descriptions were written well, but I thought there were a few lines of dialog that didn't seem natural. Other than that, this was a great script. (Very Good)

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Good idea, got a little confused in the end...She trades places with the reaper after she stabs him with the scythe? Why? Can she kill death? Seems more likely she would have a had a nice roll in the hay with Death and at her magic moment she passes...

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I found the story a little convoluted. I think it was the whole "Angel of Death used to be human" angle.

At first I thought she recognized him because he almost OD before 15 years ago... but it seems that maybe she knew him when he was a human?

And her turning into the Angel of Death at the end really didn't make sense/do much for me. I still think it's a good script, well written, etc... but I think it would be much better if ditched the "Angel of Death once being human" angle and made it a discussion between the rocker and Death.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think this is a great premise and very creative. I don't feel that the dialogue lives up to the quality of the premise. It seems a bit on-the-nose and not filled with subtext. In a few instances, it doesn't flow, but at the same time I'm sure Janice would be more concise with her words -- but would the Reaper?

Vague definitely is the way to go on this piece -- the mood, the idea and the characters would benefit (my opinion of course).

Again, love the premise.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Way too fast. Some of the dialogue was wonderful, while at other times it was awkward and confusing. Furthermore, even with the sex scene, too much is told and not enough is shown. The relationship between death and the rocker was confusing as well. Instead of her saying "It was an accident", maybe he should say, "Another accident like last time?" Otherwise, were they former lovers or did death fall in love with her and not take her on a previous visit? This could be one heck of an awesome script with a solid rewrite.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I liked the story and its development a lot. Only the dialogue was a little strained and sometimes even incomprehensible. Good job, though.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2008 9:11 AM

I really liked this one a lot. Your stories are always original and fascinating.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2008 10:35 AM

Sylvia, guess I was the lone Excellent vote here, but really thought it deserved it. Great imagination, loved it.