Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I liked your dialog, especially the line about Serena's eyes, very clever. There are a lot of actions here but not a lot of motivation. What makes Serena behave the way she does? What makes Patrick behave the way he does? If you answer these questions, I think you'll have a much better story. If you want the people watching the movie to see the quote, it needs to go into the script. If you don't want it in your screenplay, I would get rid of it.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I guessing this is a fresh take on Red Riding Hood after the bit of dialogue by Serena "all the better to see you with" when Patrick refers to her big eyes. I think the dialogue and pacing is done very well but I think the reason Patrick is there should be clarified a little bit more. Otherwise, a very enjoyable piece.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Only one small comment, because I'm sure there'll be loads of other tips for you to sift through from other readers...if Adam is small for 14, why does Serena guess he's older than he is? Does "small for his age" really come into play anywhere? Is it an important detail?

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Text that appears on screen is capitalized in the screenplay.

Don't abbreviate in a screenplay. Mister and Misses instead of Mr and Mrs.

It's a strange story. I'm not really sure what happened. Serena's dialogue sounds just a little bit fake. It's good, and has subtext, but doesn't sound real.

It's nicely written, but I don't feel there was a story. Girl tries to seduce boy. Boy tries to run. And? You didn't tell us enough about Serena or the boy to make me care about them.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Loved the fact its set in 1955.
"I brought cookies" made me laugh. I quite liked that Serena character.
The series of shots montage, I think it would have worked just fine as basic actions. The A, B, C took me out of the story. I was hoping the entire story was a comedy about the young kid and this girl, so I was a little disappointed come the end. Some great one-liners in there!

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I was liking it for the first 3 pages, then you lost me. What makes him suddenly realize that something is wrong? He runs, she hits him on the head, and then what? I didn't understand the rest at all. Where did Serena go? Why was he tied up? Who was the gardener calling, and why was Patrick in the deck chair staring at the scattered tools? I liked the middle part with Patrick and Serena getting drunk and getting to know each other, but I don't see the point of anything else, have no idea what happened, or what this was about.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well written. I was a little confused as to Serena's motivation though. She just seemed a little inconsistent to me. She killed the old folks, but then shared wine, weed and almost herself with Patrick, then when she caught him trying to escape, she just knocked him out and tied him up in the cupboard for Adam to find. I guess what confused me is why she wouldn't have just killed him too.

Anyway, nice writing and good story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This confused me...you say Patrick is 14, small for his age, then Serena asks if he's 15 or 16... Just a detail that jumped out at me.

Why 1955? What is the significance of that date?

This confused me too - the bodies in the shed. Who were they? Who killed them? Where is Serena? Am I being dim?

This was superbly written and the scene setting cecond to none and the characters were excellently drawn. Very VERY well done.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This started off great, but somewhere along the line you lost me.
Obviously a play on little red riding hood, but with huge gaps.
Not sure what happened to the Serena. Feel like something is missing, which is very bothersome.

Your writing, sense of time and place, and charachters are all outstanding. I also love all the subtext, but for me, it gets to be a bit too much subtext where I really cannot even begin to decide what happened. Perhaps it's beyond me. Your writing is wonderful, wish I better understood where it was taking me.

Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is excellent.

This story pulled me right in from the start.

However, the ending left me a little confused. I don't feel like I have any understanding of Serena or why she is doing what she does. Perhaps, I missed it.

I think with a rewrite for clarity this could be very good.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I thought it was very good until the ending.... You lost me at that point. I didn't understand Adam's role in the whole story. At first I thought he was a victim like Patrick, but after going though the script a few more times, it was still unclear.

Still a good story though. I really liked your visuals and descriptions. Dialouge and formatting were very good.

Nice job...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Enjoyed the story though I thought it was over when Patrick reached the gate and then Serena races toward him with the garden spade.

I would tweak some of the action lines to keep them in active tense, but there’s not much else to change about them.

I thought the whole seduction sequence worked well and was completely believable. The dialog worked fine and there definitely was a story.

I assume Serena waited for the Keels to return then did them in. I can be somewhat dense at times but I think that is what happened.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Well written. I got a little lost, but I am sure it's just me. I do often! ;-) Not sure if the boy or the girl did the killing and why?
Came on strong and ended quickly.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Great opening scene, great setup, though a bit excessive on the visual details.
Doesn't seem like there's any reason to set it in 1955.
Nice tension between Patrick and Serena.
I can't believe the marijuana for this girl, in 1955.
Biggest story problem: Patrick jumping out the window and trying to escape. He's stoned, with no adults in the house, and an 18 year old fox is about to have sex with him. At that point, he has no reason to fear for his life. Why does he run? He doesn't have any reason to be suspicious. I think the chance of getting laid would surely be uppermost in his mind, whether he was feeling sick or not. It's definitely worth doing another draft. This could be an excellent short film.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

It's always fun to read a good period piece. I was engrossed in the enchantment by the girl, and found myself curious about where she went and why she was doing this.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

So Serena is some kind of teenage black widow. Your writing style is good and it was interesting. I was into it the first few pages but then I was struck with several questions. Who was Serena? Where were the Keels? Patrick had a reason for being there, not sure who the other bodies were...other boys? And why didn't she kill Adam? He was there before Patrick, we know that from the note. For me, too many questions.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It was well written.

But I had a hard time connecting with the main character. With some effort, maybe I could buy that Patrick isn’t interested in a hot 18 year old beauty. But having him jumping out of the window was a bit over the top (it appears that Serena was some kind of killer after all, but Patrick didn’t know that until he was hit in the head).

At the end Adam mentions some “bodies”. Interesting angle for an ending, yet I think you should make more clear who killed who, and especially, why.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was cute, a retelling of red riding hood. You did well because I didn't even notice until the end. VERY GOOD.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Not bad at all. I was a little confused by the ending though. What happened to Serena?

Anyway, pretty good take on the Little Red Riding Hood or in this case Little Boy Patrick Hood.

My vote: GOOD

Ross Morrison (Level 2)

I liked the setting and how that was set up. I also liked the escalating nature of the first two characters' relationship. I did find the end confusing and thought the tan guy could have been more developed, but I understand that the ending could have very well been left open to interpretation.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

A good little mystery. The opening is strong and I'm pulled in, wanting to know what's going on. At first it seems a little bit like Great Expectations, but then it takes a turn where Serena tries to seduce Patrick.

I liked the story a lot. I thought the pacing was very good. The thing that I'm a little confused by is what and who Serena is. What is she doing there? Why does she kill the owners of the place? What happens to her?

What is Patrick doing on the deck chair? There's just a few loose ends that make this not as satisfying as it could be.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Very solid story up until you lost me on page 5. When Patrick is clubbed you fade to black then have and odd out of place VO. In my opinion, you could lose this dialogue and not harm the story at all. Everything was going good up until that point.

Earlier the two drink from a bottle, then you tell us it is a wine bottle. Why not just say it up front or eliminate the wine bottle from the scene and go with a labelless bottle of something. We know its liquor.

I certainly hope my ideas help you improve this story. It has massive potential.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought this was a great script. The writing was flawless. My only problem was, I didn't get the ending. What happened to the girl? Why were the Keel's killed. Other than that, this was Very Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Atmospheric, twisted coming of age tale. Except I didn't get it, it's missing something or maybe the clues are too subtle for me. The series of shots does not add much and slows the story down, cut from the joint smoking directly to the bedroom.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I very much enjoyed the back and forth between Patrick and Serena -- a lot of different feelings there and they were expressed very well. Excellent, but from there to the end I felt a little bit disappointed.

I thought that Serena was what you made her, and I was hoping while reading it, that she would be something different. I didn't understand her leaving Patrick alive.

The writing is solid. I just wish the outcome was different.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Your images and descriptions are always vivid. However, I had a hard time grasping the overall sweep and intent of your piece. Indirection has its rewards, but I wanted a few more specifics to guide me along your narrative. I think the piece would be effective on film. I got a loss of innocence, a sense of underlying evil. That may be enough. I wanted a little more.

I am not sure if the nudity could be done with present day laws and restrictions - except possibly in Europe, or with young looking adult actors.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

It's good and well written, but it never becomes clear what it's about. Who is Serena and what does she want anyway? Could be very good with a little more development. Good job.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2008 12:10 AM

Thanks for the comments! Lot's of questions to be answered. I will try to get back to them shortly! Cheers.

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2008 5:21 AM

Some questions from the comments...

If Patrick is small for 14, why does Serena guess he's older that he is?
My reason for having Serena guess that Patrick is older than he really is is that I wanted to put him in the position of having to 'put himself down' by having to admit he was younger than that.

Does "small for his age" come into play anywhere?
I wanted to make clear that he wasn't going to be able to over-power Serena if things got physical. I also wanted to set him up as a victim.

What makes Patrick suddenly realize that something is wrong? Why does he run?
When Patrick gets in bed with Serena, it suddenly clicks that given that he's drunk, high and naked, the Keels are not likely coming back. From this he begins to seriously suspect that Serena is up to something far worse. So, he tries to escape.

Who were the bodies in the shed?
The bodies in the shed were Mr. and Mrs. Keel. Serena had put them there and locked the shed (hence, when Adam came by earlier in the day--as stated in the note on the door at the beginning--it was locked).

Who killed the Keels?
Serena. This was part of the back story and took place before Patrick arrived at the house.

Why 1955?
Though I didn't live through it, it seems to me that this was a period in America where there were a lot of things lurking below the surface that weren't yet out in the open. It was too perfect.

Where were the Keels?
They were dead. Their bodies were in the shed.

Who was the gardener calling?
Adam was calling the police to report the murder of the Keels.

Where did Serena go?
I don't know. For me, at least, there's something far more haunting about that than if I knew for sure where she was. She killed the Keels and then disappeared and will likely kill again.