Comments Made During the Contest
Ali Barr (Level 4)
I liked a lot of things about this: the easy flow and clear writing of what I was seeing, the opening and building of suspense was great.I liked the intensity growing as he searched for the drip. I was confused however, that he was ripping apart walls when you reveal that he knew what lay beyond in the tub.I was lost after that. I thought it was a plumbing nightmare then it just became the aftermath of a nightmare without many anwers.I want to like this one more but it left me with too many questions.
Audrey Webb (Level 5)
I don't understand why he spent so much time looking for the source of the drip when he knew that the noise was coming from the bathtub. I had been hoping initially that this was a comedy...we've all been through those nights when a dripping faucet kept us awake. I don't think too many of us have killed someone in our tubs, though.
Brian Wind (Level 5)
I really enjoyed it, but I felt like it should have ended with the fan humming and not gone for the sequel teaser with the final drips at the end. Overall, I thought this was a well written and dark, yet fun, tale of carnage. Nice job.
Bryan Mora (Level 4)
Not much to comment on becuase i LOVED this one. Great story, great twist, great ending.Great job!
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
I enjoyed this but was a little confused, because the man plainly knew what was in the bathroom, so would know why there was the dripping sound, so why did he search the house trying to locate the cause of it?Very well done though. I liked the use of sound effects, especially the end scene!
Chris Messineo (Founder)
I love the style and atmosphere you create with this story.However, I feel like I am left with a few too many unanswered questions in the end. Who is this man and woman, who did this act, and why? Perhaps it was all there in the subtext, but if it is, I missed it.Your craft is very good and I hope I get to read a rewrite of this.
Dan Lennox (Level 5)
From the start, I fully expected to be laughing at this one, but then it quickly turned serious. That was a nice twist that I wasn't expecting. I was a little confused of the Man's relation to the Woman in the tub. Did he kill her? Despite the seriousness of the situation, the ending was funny. I thought it was nicely written.
David D. DeBord (Level 5)
I liked this script. I think we can all argue about formatting issues and the “right way” to do things but as long as a reader doesn’t have to work too hard to understand what is going on, I think a format can vary a bit from what is “normal” or “standard.”Still, I’d like to see a good editing of this effort. Nothing glaringly amiss but some of the phrasing, adverbs and verb choices could be improved. Little things like, “… hurriedly presses his ear to the wall.” simply make me want to reach for my red pen. This is not a grammar course, but better grammar, or more precise wording, makes for a better read.Still, I like the premise.
Dawn Calvin (Level 5)
I liked the clean writing style you offered right off the bat!This story got my interest, I thought it was written very well. After a while though the drips really got on my nerves. Just reading, I can only imagine what it would do if audible! ;-)I was surprised by the dead wife, but then more surprised how she just disappeard. At first I thought it was a slice of life, but then it turned into something not believable.It was off to a good start, but then lost me! Congrats on submitting this work!
Elias Farnum (Level 5)
I would like to know why she was killed. Doesn't feel complete. Well crafted otherwise.
Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)
Well well done. Great tension. Just the right hints at a larger story. Throw in a little "Tell-Tale Heart" in there and you may not just do well in this month's contest, but next month's as well. Very nice.
Kirk White (Level 5)
Great job! a modern Tell-tale heart. Loved it! only small thing is that I think you used "Series of Shots" when you didn't need it. Other than that,it's solid and should be made!
Lewayne White (Level 4)
Creepy. Very "Telltale Heart." And I mean that in a good way.
Margaret Ricke (Level 5)
I love this! Your writing style is clear and concise. Your character needs no other voice than his actions. I saw it as I read it. Really, really well done!
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)
I should have felt tension when reading this story, but I didn't. I think because it was written more like a shooting script. It broke it up too much, therefore not allowing for a build up of tension.
Matias Caruso (Level 5)
Good job in choosing this premise. Only one character. Quite suitable for a non-dialogue challenge. The lack of dialogue here felt quite natural.Liked the theme as well. A bad conscience is a bitch that never stops “dripping” and that can drive you mad.I’ve got no relevant complaints to make about the execution.Just a small techincal nitpick: I think you overused the secondary headings a bit.My favorite so far. I hope you place.
Michael Thede (Level 4)
The big question this raises in my mind is, if he knew what was going on in the bathroom, how come he went all over the house looking for the source of the drip when it seemed clear that it was coming from the bathroom? I'd like to see some bigger leaps taken in your descriptions as well. For example, change "The man uses the flashlight to search through the darkness" to "a beam of light probes the darkness" or something like that. We've seen him get the flashlight. The audience will understand that that's where the light is coming from. And, don't be afraid to get a bit poetic with the descriptions either. Nothing ever just is what it is in a movie! Lastly, if you're gonna have a guy tearing down dry-wall, unless it's the Hulk or Arnie, please give him a crowbar to do it with... :)
Neal Barringer (Level 0)
I don't get it. The Man rips apart walls when he knows where the drip is from? I think a better opening image would be water-soaked or blood-stained sheets on a bed. Maybe the story could be rearranged - stop the dripping faucet, show the carnage, lie back on bed, drip-drip, rip the walls apart.
Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)
Good story with effective tension. I was a little distracted by the style of some of the writing. For example where it says "No." on the first page I was not sure what you meant by that. The story seems a little flawed on the logic side as well because presumably he knows what is in the bathroom but he searches the rest of the house anyway?
Rustom Irani (Moderator)
The pacing is the show stealer her and you set-up a concise goal and enough tension for the man.The payoff, though nightmarish is never quite resolved though as we don't have enough insight to his character from his actions.He probably killed this woman,. His wife perhaps. But now all he wants to do is sleep. Then is he a psycho killer? Or did he kill her because she wouldn't let him sleep? Or is she a hooker?It doesn't matter. What matters is that I wanted the story to go on a bit more and for him to reveal something more about himself. The open ending seems like a teaser to an exciting longer piece.Your craft is flawless and you have used the silent theme quite well but I feel it has been at the risk of a concise plot.Would definitely continue to read your scripts though.
Sally Meyer (Moderator)
Really liked this, it was spooky and well written. The story has an edge that I like. Solid writing, visually appealing and (scary). The story works well without one drip of dialogue!!Nice job!!
Stephen Brown (Level 5)
Hey this was really, really good. Change the title to 'The tell-tale heart' and you've got next month's entry aswell. Really liked how you built up the atmosphere and the tension. This one is probably the first one I've read where the lack of dialogue is perfect and if you go and add speech to this later, it will actually take away from your script.EXCELLENT choice of subject and EXCELLENT execution. Well done.
Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)
Loved this! I suggest adapting for the Poe competition next month! This is a winner.
Tom Peterson (Level 3)
Hmmm - the Tell-Tale Drip. Nice adaptation. The action described what was going on in his head even if it was predictable.
Tony Oldham (Level 4)
I liked this alot. It's got a really nice writing style for the action and gets you drawn into finding the drip. I'm not sure what the 'No' is on page one, but otherwsie it reads really well.
William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)
Interesting torment and very visual. Fine work on the imagery. Solid writing.The only issue I have with it is more my taste than your writing -- I'm tired of death and blood.Again, solid writing.
William Coleman (Level 5)
Nifty little suspense item. I'm not sure where you're going until we get into that bathroom, but you make me want to know. If I have a qualification, I'd like a subtle indicator of what is happening. The ending is most appropriate. I may be asking for the obvious, but I'd like to know more about the woman and her realtionship to the man.The writing is spare, detailed, and forward moving.
William Dunbar (Level 5)
This would have almost done for the Poe competition this month, if you changed it to a heartbeat. Anyway, it was very good. Well paced and easy to understand. There were a couple of typos that need to be looked at (it's vs. its), but overall very good.WD
Comments Made After the Contest
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2008 12:09 AM
Congratulations on winning second place with your first MoviePoet.com entry. I hope we get to read a lot more of your stories.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2008 12:16 AM
Congrats Brandon!!Excellent job. I was thinking that this would place!!
Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2008 7:46 AM
Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2008 9:40 AM
Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2008 10:58 AM
Didn't get to read every entry, but this one was among my top three. Gave it an Excellent.Congrats on the second place, well deserved.
Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2008 1:21 PM
Congratulations Brandon! Great script.
Bob McHenry (Level 0) ~ 6/22/2008 4:17 PM
I liked the chaos around searching for the source, even though he did know where it was coming from. It's like a plea to himself to forget about the mess in the bathroom. "Please let me find the source of this aggravation elsewhere so I can sleep and forget these horrible things."
Brandon West (Level 0) ~ 6/22/2008 4:54 PM
Thank you all for your feedback and votes. I really appreciate it.Thank you also, Bob, for pointing out a topic that seems to be a consistent question. Yes, he knows exactly where the sound is coming from and what is in the bathroom. His search is a denial of reality, a frantic effort to find a reason beyond the truth.The woman disappears as the man takes the effort to dispose of the body, mop the bathroom and clean up the overall mess -- perhaps that would give him him some peace of mind. Of course, it doesn't.The drip itself is more of a mental creation. An exaggeration of an almost imperceptible sound into a behemoth of guilt and paranoia that fuels his need to find an alternate source for the sound.To me, the story wasn't in the killing act or covering his tracks, but about the mental consequence and one man's means of handling the issue (no sequel intended, Brian ;) ). I had no intent for this to be a take on Poe's 'Tell-Tale Heart', but the parallel can certainly be made in the end.This actually did come from a night kept awake by a dreaded drip and the morbid tale expanded in a momentary flash in my mind -- then I quickly fell asleep and threw this into words the following morning. It was a fun exercise.Again, thank you all for your response and I'm glad you enjoyed it.