Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I liked the feel of this piece--very film noir. But I was lost as to the extent of the story. Subtlety is nice but some more details about the girl and the the phone call would have been helpful. Also what the confidential files were about too.

I gave a better score based on the overall feel but to make this piece better I would suggest fleshing out the details more.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

I like the twist at the end. No one knows the truth but I would jump into the story sooner. The first three pages build very slowly. I would jump to the true conflict when he finds out about White sooner. Be careful to show and not tell what people are thinking, (the nurse). Why is she so mean anyway? It also seemed strange to get fatal lab results in the mail, rather than in person. Anyway, I would tighten up page 2 and 3. They slowed the story down. The rest was good. The title could also be stronger and more of a clue to the story.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

"...huge greasy hamburger that he holds in one hand. He chews it without relish." Okay, but what about mustard and ketchup? (Sorry, couldn't resist).

Sorry, but I didn't understand what happened here. This was a complicated story to tackle without words, and I think that restriction made it very difficult for you to get the story out.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Killer style!! I love the classic noir feeling and tone! I do think there are a few places you could trim out just so your style doesn't get in the way of the story...but just a few! I.E. you mention his test results envelope being open twice and I understand the visual but I think you can find a way to use that space more efficiently. Nice pace. Great character in Black. Well done!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

With the exception of a spacing issue at the bottom of each page, this was formatted and written well. My main criticism would be a lack of clarity. I was able to piece together what more than likely happened, but it wasn't very clear and I'm not certain I've pieced it together correctly. Whether I figured it out right or not is irrelevant though since the the fact that I was figuring it out at all means it wasn't clear what transpired.

What I gathered happened was this... Cop gets diagnosed with cancer. Cop spots Commissioner doing something wrong (Standing on a corner in the rain?). Commissioner pink slips the cop (I can only assume he did this to cover his own tail.) Cop kills Commissioner.

Now here's what I didn't get... The numbered envelopes, the indigestion and the girl in the picture.
The numbered envelopes.... I'm certain that to the author the envelopes played some sort of vital role in determining the good cops from the bad, but I didn't really feel like that came across in this script.
The indigestion... He has stomach cancer so it seems natural for the character to suffer through everything he eats, but in a five page script, I think one mention of this would have been plenty.
The girl in the picture... I never figured out who this was or what her relationship was to the Cop. Her presence felt extraneous and unneccesary.

Overall, I think this story has some potential, but I'd like to see it rewritten for clarity. Nice job.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

As i read these shorts i start to feel like those Readers in hollywood that read script after script. Let me give you a note, when you read short after short after short it's better for the writer to write things to the point and trimmed. Lean and Mean as us writers put it. The way this is set is more like a short story. A paragraph after paragraph.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

"He’s not the kind of fashionable patient she wants in her clinic." - best to write only what we see on the screen, not what you imagine a character is thinking.

I found it difficult to follow this plot, I'm afraid. The numbered manila envelopes? The pink slips?

I just felt, all the way through, that this was a screenplay that needed dialogue. It was clear that you side-stepped the dialogue that would have been there with various (clever) devices.

It wasn't a screenplay where the visual imagery was the most important thing, which I believe was the purpose of the contest.

I was disappointed that it ended with gunshots and violence, because you had done a good job of building up a character in Black. I feel that resorting to violence at the end weakens not strengthens plots.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

You pack a lot of story into this five page script.

Some of your details are wonderful. I really felt his pain every time he reached for his belly.

However, it also felt a little forced as a silent script and I think this might actually work better with dialogue. Also, I worry that it might be a bit too much story for five pages.

Still, I enjoyed reading this. Lastly, great title.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Not a bad story here but as you get to the end, it seemed a bit cliche and predictable, yet kind of ironic... (A cop who chooses suicide by cop). I think some of the description was irrelevent to moving the story forward.

Overall, not bad. I would say average.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

The story kind of plods along. Seems like another strong edit would focus the story. Consistent use of action verbs would help. Reducing/eliminating adverbs would improve the script as well.

I think there is a good story here; I just wish it grabbed me more than it did.

Was the line about the burger that “He chews without relish” a play on words? While that may seem like an attempt at humor in my comments, it does show how carefully words must be chosen in a script. Words that describe how a character feels are not as effective as action that shows how they feel.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Strange Title! I mean I get it, but it doesn't quite fit the outcome. I don't get if White is related to the 25 year old girl or why he was in the street. I totally didn't get that part, but its probably just me.

I liked the bloody ending.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Great script. Wonderful detail, great narrative flow. A few suggestions.... Omit the nurse interaction on page 1, and cut directly from Black in the waiting room to Black in radiography. And you need a new title, something with a better Film Noir quality. How about "9mm Lullaby?" Okay, maybe not that, but something in the noir vein. Really great job.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A complex story. By the time I got to the end, I'm not sure who has to do with what. I was waiting for some type of liason between Black and the commissioner's wife. It was set-up with the subtle nod between the two I thought.

I noticed a few areas that I can comment more on.

"He’s not the kind of fashionable patient she wants in her clinic." A nice description but cannot be seen, unless the audience infers this from an "unfriendly smile," perhaps a disdainful curl of the lips.

A fat guy jiggling around in an apparatus (?) not a pleasant visual, lol.

" ...on each of a stack of manila envelopes.. " I had to read that paragraph twice to get that there was more than one envelope. It may be me, but it could be more clear.

" ...apparently listening to some long-winded person on the other end." This has to be shown. The commissioner sighs while rolling his eyes, or some such, just use actions to convey thoughts and other more unseen details.

A difficult challenge for sure.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I must admit that I just couldn't connect the dots.

I feel certain that this is a byproduct of my own intelligence, but I had a difficult time reconciling the phone calls with the list - with White in the street - with the medical results - with the picture of the girl. I was waiting for the great "aha!" moment when everything fell into place, and it just never did for me.

That said, I enjoyed the voice of your script and the "noir-ish" visuals it put in my head. The writing, for me, was certainly not the problem...the script simply hinted at a complex story that never took full form.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Well the title is awesome! However, I think the story founders because...and take this for what you will: this is not a story that can be told with no dialogue. I think what it feels like is that you wrote a detective story and then just cut out all the dialogue rather than really focusng on telling a story in images. It just doesn't work as it's very confusing and difficult to follow. I'd suggest just doing a rewrite and adding the dialogue.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

I actually expected Black to act more decisively and start going vigilante on a bigger scale. Don't know that I'd go with "Barium Meal" as a title.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a story that needs dialogue and length. I like the story idea, but I'm not crazy about the title.

Mark Christmas (Level 2)

I think you did a wonderful job at establishing mood and setting. I could picture everything you wrote wonderfully. In my opinion this is a great story--however it would be better suited with dialogue. If you could add speaking or narration, I'm sure this script would be more enticing and full-bodied as well. No matter, great job. I find your writing interesting and am looking forward to more.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

A pretty good story. Good idea for no dialog. There were a few times you gave us info I'm not sure we would be able to see on screen like: "He’s not the kind of fashionable patient she wants in her clinic." How would we konw that?

And I don't think you can tell if something is malignant and inoperable by doing an exray...I think you need to do a biopsy. But I'm not 100% sure.

The newspaper headline at the end where they say he "went Nuts"...seemed a bit unbelievable to me.

And are we to assume the girl is his daughter? They obviously have no contact if he died and she found out by reading the paper. That sort of seemed thrust on us as the twist at the end but it had to many questions attached.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I like the noir feel that this one had.

It seemed to me like you tried to cover too much ground. The crooked cops angle. The stomach cancer. The young woman from the photo. It’s quite easy going too wide when writing a 5 pager.

The stomach cancer angle had a decieving amount of screen time which led me to believe (for some time) that this would be a drama about coping out with a terminal disease diagnosis. But it ended up being a subplot.

Everything is tied together at the end. No loose ends. But still, the execution felt a bit superficial. Perhaps, a more narrow but deeper approach (with more focus on the main conflict) could help you to flesh out the story a bit more.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

words like "obviously" and "happens to" distract the read. we, the viewer, do not know what the character knows, is thinking; things just happen, expose themselves at intervals throughout the film. there was also a reference to "stale coffee." as a viewer, we don't know the coffee is stale unless the character reacts and reveals that fact. the envelopes got alot of focus in this film, but I failed to resolve their purpose.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Good story. It's a little unclear on the crime side. It could use a cleaner link between the initial corruption in the newspaper, the girl victim, and the fact that the commissioner is responsible. (p.s. nice move with the margins!)

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The fact that you had not one but almost two subplots woven into a five page silent script says a lot about your skills as a writer.

But the overall effect was of slight confusion, and needless exposition through onscreen text.

We have the main plot of Black weeding out the rogue cops in his outfit.

Or the cancer is the main plot.

Then there's a small if not poignant thread about his daughter.

The descriptions are stellar and immediately set the tone for film noir but lack of dialog affects this piece.

Noir is also about great dialog and the cliched VO. If you choose to use those in a re-write then this can be spectacular.

Great title.Fun read. Keep up the good work.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good work. You've told a solid story and I enjoyed it. And not one word of dialogue, (of course, LOL) But still this was good. I sort of realized Black was going to kill White, once I read the results of his tests, but it was still sort of satisfying anyway.

I liked this.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Interesting protagonist. Nice idea but there's too much nothing happening, and a slow pace made it hard for me to relate. The story is told mainly in the headlines. "He's not the kind of fashionable patient she wants in her clinic" is also editorial - get rid of it. I suggest amping this up by starting out with the diagnosis which is obvious anyway, make it shorter and come to the point faster, less stake-out, more angst. Find another way for the truth to be out, let's see the nothing-to-lose desparation of the man.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

The pace was good and the action held my attention. At the end, I was still wondering what the envelopes contained. It would have been a nice payoff.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

Interesting few scenes. Some good writing with a fairly harsh and unexpected ending.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

While I think the writing is very good -- descriptive and well planned and executed, I can't help feeling that words would be spoken, especially in a squad room. There are other items that you have in there that would not happen the way they are written, specifically the medical report. The manilla envelope would not be the only cold, silent word on his terminal illness. To make the story work as a silent, I'll accept them as they are, but they give me pause.

White was crooked and the real story goes unnoticed... solid writing.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Clearly told visually even if at times you test the logic of not having just a smidgeon of dialog. The narrative gets a bit blurry to me on page 4. The ending is, however, a logical outcome of your whole story.

Vivid descriptions of the action and locales.

Comments Made After the Contest