Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I like most of the dialogue, although some seemed like boilerplate hard-nosed detective dialogue. Your descriptions are very evocative, but at the same time I think they'd benefit from some judicious editing. Instead of "is standing," try just "stands." Instead of "begins to gurgle," try just "gurgles." Using straightforward verbs will give your writing more oomph.

I think you need a bit more buildup to Norah pulling the trigger. I didn't really get a clear idea of why she might want to kill him (or even, really, any hint that she might be angry), and I think there needs to be at least a hint of that in the subtext.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

It was okay. Refering to the girl as 'You' in one sentence and 'her' in the next can be confusing and the ending didn't really make sense to me. Why would shoot him? And why, after she shot him, wouldn't she react? I guess I just didn't really get it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is beautifully written, and tense.

One thing, however, bothered me. Why were we told the guy was a PI? How could we know from the scene? What was the relevance? I guess if he'd been a cop you could have seen his uniform or badge or something, then him having a gun would figure.

Great piece of characterisation though. Lean and mean.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

What the hell happened? Why'd she kill him?

I liked the writing, though I think you might have gone a little overboard on some of the description (don't need to know every movement and twitch they make) and your telling us that he's a detective right off the bat bothered me a bit because I'm wondering how the audience watching the movie is going to know that.

Some of the dialogue confused me a bit too, for example I can't figure out why she says, "What about a restaurant".

I think your pacing is good, you have some really nice images, and the story is intriguing, but I want to know why she killed him, is she a psycho or a secret agent, a paid assassin, or just proving a point? I think you meant it to be the latter which seems a bit extreme - unless she's totally whacked out, nobody does that.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like the atmosphere of this piece, although I think your descriptions can be a little too detailed at times. I saw the end coming, but I'm still left wondering why she did it. Perhaps it's in the subtext and I just missed it.

Colin Cohen (Level 2)

A nice tight Chandleresque script with good dialogue and strong cinematic qualities.

However, I didn't quite understand her motive for killing him. Also, I didn't understand when he said, "You think I ever met a gun, didn’t do what it’s supposed to?"

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

Nice beginning, but the last page's description should have been broken up instead, building the tension up better.

but why did Norah shoot Preston? what's the motive? I didn't know anything about the relationship between them, which is hard to care for either character here.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Nice "Film Noir" feel, and pretty good hard-boiled dialogue. I liked both characters, and wanted to know more about them. But Norah's erotic manupulation with the gun seems excessive, out of place. (Remember, in classic Noir, sexuality was implied, and rarely seen.) What gave me the most problem was the ending. Why does she shoot him? And with Preston's street smarts and experience with dames, why didn't he see it coming? Consider another draft. This one is too good not to polish.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Twenty questions—Who? What? Why? Where? When? No, matter. We know how.

James Holiday (Level 2)

love noir. love it. i could see me making this one.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Really cool, I like that all the dialogue is a question. However I don't understand why she shoots him at the end. I had to back and re-read to see if I missed something. Maybe it's just me, but overall good job.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

It was a neat story - but kind of 'not enough' story - a hint at motivation on her part or some doubt on his part just before the shot might have given me more of a sense of story.

Kevin M. Kraft (Level 2)

Hmm....I don't know. Some execution (writing issues) and the subject matter.....I don't know.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Interesting. I didn't really think she was going to do it - but then I felt this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like she might - and then she did - so nice job manipulating my emotions. Good writing.

Larry Basch (Level 3)

She shot him just for the hell of it? How about a little motivation. Or is she just an existential, randomly evil person? Or is he? Who cares?

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

You had a very good tone throughout. Preston being shot at the end didnt have as much shock as I think it couldve, but the script held my attention. Some description seemed unnecessarily wordy, like it was just there to break up the long dialogue (which the scene was more about). I think you could do away with some of the eye movements and followings etc. and not lose any of the feel of your story. Overall I liked it!

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I like the '40's atmosphere, but I'm concerned with motive. We haven't been given any indication that Norah has a problem with Preston - why would she kill him? It feels very random.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Great visuals, neat little story, right up my alley. The descriptions, although good, are a little bit long and I think you could tighten them up for a quicker read. I really like the story and the noir style. Classic femme fatale in five pages.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was too short.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Good use of questions. Constantly deflected dialogue off in a slightly different direction. Set-up might have been a bit better if he'd asked her if she'd ever fired a gun before and she'd replied with "You see me wearing a holster?" or something like that, drawing attention to her nakedness as well as setting up a situation where she really didn't know she had the power to do it until she had the gun in her hands. But, I loved the cold-bloodedness of it all!

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Nice description and noir-ish dialogue. The last line left me cold, however. A better punch-line/surprise retort at the end would possibly move this up a notch.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I didn't really get what Nora's motive was. Did she honestly kill Preston just to show him she could pull a trigger?

I think the motive here must be a lot stronger otherwise she just comes across as a psycho. Maybe she had just found out he cheated on her or something. Just an idea...

Your descriptions are nice, but too long. :-)

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I was lost a couple of time in the dialog with Preston(or whatever) but other than that it flowed nicely and it was entertaining.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Strong opening. Really like the visuals created in the opening sequence. I wondered why a switchblade was presented and not used. I was really compelled by the Norah/Preston exchange and I could feel the seductive way she brushed the gun against her skin. You built a nice tension with the coffee brewing and heightened it nicely by having her point it at him. I felt the ending, especially her closing line, was very unsatisfying. It seemed like you just stopped writing. If you choose to end it so quickly, I'd rather have Norah say: My client told me to get you off his back. Think this will do? Or something other than the line in place now. The nudity presented in response to the challenge wasn't really essential to the story. Despite the ending, I really like the title.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Excellent Title and very smart dialog writing.

Your script is a cinematographer's wet dream. (Pardon the pun)

The excellent film Noir dialog tells the whole story but unfortunately takes a back seat to the sexy choreography.

A nude theme is perhaps too open and people feel like mentioning naked legs, breasts, covered crotches and searches for lost clothing dropped on the floor.

While you give detailed description of what Norah is doing with the gun, to me it comes across as notes that a director might give to the actor.

As a reader do I imagine it shot by shot or one graceful move or try and question where this is leading.

One important piece of info that you mention in the description which the audience will not realize is that Preston is a private eye. You had to say that in description while the audience might think he is a gangster or mafioso.

But your genre clues us in.

I liked the juxtaposition of the coffeepot coming to a boil and the gun shot and also the fact that you told the whole story in one location with only two actors.

You are good at your craft and I look forward to reading more of your work.

All the best.

SJ Neff (Level 1)

The dame must've been sick of the dick. Why?

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Your descriptions were pretty good. I was able to get a visual. They did seem a bit long. Try a more staccato style. It will read just the same only faster.

Overall, a good story. The one thing that disturbed me was the dialogue. In my opinion only, I think it oould have been better. You could have used different slang or dialec to show us the personality of the character better. This also helps bring out a stereotyped flaw in a character.

Good job.

Spencer

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Quite a piece of work. A bit of the descriptive writing was overdramatic, such as "The black shape of a gun", & "Stainless steel glint of the switchblade", yet the matches and cigarellos get no fancy introduction. The four in a row question dialogue from Preston on page 2 seems a bit forced. One of the tightest shorts I've read and I hope your quite proud of it. Chances are you have a contender with this one. I hope I'm right, so good luck.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This was one of the most difficult scripts for me to score to date. I didn't understand the motive of Norah? Some of the dialogue has hard to understand, but I thought the writing was visual and good.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Drastically underwritten and undeveloped. I sense a deeper conflict that needs to be stated so power can be given to Norah's action. I tried reading the dialog aloud, but I found the phrasing - What,... - stilted. More of a play than a film. A director could visualize it with shots and edit it, but I believe the writer has to set that up so the shoot goes his or her way. Why is she with him? Is he a guard, a gangster, a police officer? I was asking too many questions, and that got in way of the slight story.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 11:30 AM

I guess I am a sucker for film noir because I really liked this one.

Also the dialogs, all twenty of them are in the form of a question which I would find incredibly difficult to achieve.

Plus I always thought she shot him because she knew he was sleeping with another dame and she refers to a restaurant and the restroom trying to clue him in but he is too cocksure to be intimidated.

Ah well! Want to see what you do this month though.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2007 12:17 PM

I LOVE Film Noir and the atmosphere in this story was wonderful. It's not easy to establish such a strong mood in a short story and I thought you did a great job.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 8:57 PM

Matthew, you must forgive me for completely missing the brilliance of this script. Twenty dialogs all in the form of a question and I never noticed. I don't think anyone but Rusty did. The mere fact that you pulled that off baffles my mind. Still think there were a few problems, but really cool job.

Mark Christmas (Level 2) ~ 6/5/2008 10:48 PM

HAHAHA SO funny. What a good script. I liked the characters and thought it ended perefectly. What a seductive bitch -- I like her. Not only that but I picture everything wonderfully.

I noticed that you were going to film this. PLEASE let me see the final product. It is so well written and such a quick film to do. I bet you're going to have a blast making it ... as much of a blast as you had writing it ... and as much of a blast as we're all going to have watching it!

Mark Christmas (Level 2) ~ 6/5/2008 10:51 PM

PS: Everyone keeps mentioning WHY Norah didn't have a motive.

In my opinion, she doesn't need one. Great work, man! (Though the title could be changed... ;)

Mark Christmas (Level 2) ~ 6/5/2008 10:52 PM

I just realized why the title makes sense. NEVERMIND! Perfect choice