Comments Made During the Contest

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I like the story very much, although I will confess that it kind of made me gag thinking about how the viruses would look. Like that Mucinex commercial...gak, how I hate seeing those in print and on TV. Makes me want to yark.

The ending was a bit of a letdown...I think the opposite choice would be far more entertaining...he DOES eat the cookie, and the cycle starts all over again. A few typos, a few areas where improper formatting makes the read a bit confusing. Other than that, a great idea.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Reminded me very much of the animated 'Osmosis Jones', which was geared toward as this one should and does, dealing with the insides of the body can pretty gross. The only negative comment I have is some of the medical jargon took me out of the story, I have no idea what some of those words or organs or whatever were. I would be careful with stuff like that, especially if its going to be for kids. Otherwise, loved it!

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

My favorite so far this month. This will be short because I don't have much to say about it. Creative, great imagery. A fun read that would look great on film (I picture a mix of live action and animation).

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very creative. Nice script, solid story. One suggestion I'd make would be to try to give the cells and viruses a bit more personality. As it is, they are all very bland and there's nothing really setting them apart from each other. I thought this script worked very well and would make an excellent animated short. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This would make a great animation, and a bit educational too along with the fun!

phagocytized, psychosomatic channel- while I'm the last person to patronise kids and their intelligence...would these words mean anything at all to them? Some of the other details passed me by too, so I'm wondering about a younger audience.

I lost the plot a little bit with the scene shifts. The flashback at the end - I would see if it could be better incorporated rather than just an add-on when the story has effectively finished.

But very good.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was excellent, so creative and out there that it was a pure joy to read. Executed flawlessly, you really know your subject. All the pieces are here, think this will be the one to beat this month.

Great job!


**

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was wonderful.

Your craft is excellent. I love the way you cut back and forth between the real world and the virus world. It is seamless and very fun.

Excellent.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

A fun kid's story.

I had a little trouble following the "motivations" for the cells not doing their jobs.

I enjoyed the ending.

Thanks.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This was good. I really liked the morphing throw up into a twin. Funny stuff and clever. The writing was easy to follow and clean.
You missed a day or night in a few slug lines.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm not a doctor but I play one on web MD. I think this would make a good animated short. The writing was fine as far as I could tell. Also commercial potential for a medicine company. Very good job.

Elizabeth Hamlett (Level 2)

This would make a great piece for a scinece class, it's very informative about the common cold. I liked the bit about the kid telling his mother that he was still sick to stay home and he ended up getting sick again. Relatable. One thing, I'm not sure what 'phagocytized' is--had to look it up.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Brilliant. I entertained ideas of winning this contest until I read this script. A whole lot of fun. Congratulations.

Jason Daniels (Level 2)

This was a fun family piece. My kids would love to see this. I enjoyed the way in which the "defensive tide" turned depending upon Martin's desire to get better or not.

I originally saw it as a cartoon, but think that it could be done as a live action.

I liked it and thought you did a nice job of fulfilling the theme of Family Film.

Joanna Messineo (Level 3)

Hi, I'm 10 and I thought this was fantastic! I loved the way Martin and Paul acted; it was so realistic! Switching from the bedroom to inside Martin was a great idea! I would love to see this as a movie.

John Brooke (Level 5)

I truly hate suffering with a cold, and don’t we all. Your spoon full of honey approach helped me swallow your sweet and sour screenplay. I congratulate you on your heroic attempt out of making sickness a fun thing to watch. I do believe you managed to pull it off. I assume that you visualize this tale as an animated cartoon, or maybe a mix of live people and cartoon characters. I sure hated those horrible green virus creatures and I cheered for the good guys, the white cells and that Neuron.

One point that bothered me was the jump from Page 4. where the CAPTAIN CELL says “Expectorants!” to top of Page 5. ‘White blood cells cheer, throwing their hands in the air.’ to ‘INT. BEDROOM – Day’ and mom entering the room and asking Marin how he’s feeling and miraculously he is cured. It seems that the Expectorants worked instantly. I didn’t get a sense of time passing.

I salute your daring and creative attempt in response to a difficult prompt.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I like the premise and most of the way the story unfolds. I think the scene where the viruses and cells play cards is great. I wish the script had a little more of that kind of banter, although I think that the viruses would be running around freely doing their thing since the cells couldn't attack them.

I think the script would be much stronger if you cut right where Mom produces the books. After that I think the script turns a little weird, and a story I was enjoying kind of dropped off.

I also suggest that when Mom alludes to the cells fighting the virus in the beginning is too obvious a segue into the next scene. In contrast, the move from the nose into the respiratory tract in the opening scene is very good.

Kirk White (Level 5)

great story! I thoroughly enjoyed!!!

Leigh Fenty (Level 3)

This was a very clever idea. I like how the virus and germs are controlled by the boys wishes. Good story. Well written.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Cute. Informative and funny. One of the best "Family Film" scripts I've read so far.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This was educational as well as entertaining. The treatment of the inner body scenes would have to be done right - cute rather than disgusting, and definitely animated - but it could make a pretty good short family film.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was clever. Entertaining. Written well, only a couple things that made me stop reading. Like the question marks used over dialog. If you just said it was a voice from the crowd or something, that would have made more sense. And you put Martin's thought as a wryly. When he says yes he studied. You tell us by putting no under there that he didn't...that kind of secret remark is not filmable.

I enjoyed it. :)

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was very cute. Reminded me a bit of Osmosis Jones but I guess you can't really help that if you do something like this. Nicely done though.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

Clever! Clever! Clever! Dying is easy. Comedy is tough!

This was a brilliant piece of writing. By far my favorite, thus far.

Formatting was professional. Only a few words mispelled. You did have an error in tense about playing to a friend's house. Maybe what yoy intended, but it read oddly.

The plot was very well delivered. You segued into an easier formatting style as needed, moving the reader with ease without the scene headings that would have gotten in the way.

The punchline at the end was skillfully set up throughout the entire story. You managed the palette well and filled the canvas will exceptional characters that were easy to suspend disbelief. I visualized every moment of this story. The goal to which every writer should aspire, you gracefully achieved.

This is screen worthy. Amazing story! Keep pounding keys!!!!

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Very creative and fun. Like the theme of how your thinking can affect your health.

Excellent description and dialogue. The images of the microsopic characters jump off the page.

The only part of the story that I didn't buy was the scene with the weekend before with the kids trying to make themselves sick because of the upcoming exam. Somehow, it just didn't fit, and ironically enough, was not as believable as the miroscopic characters.

One small point about the paranthetical (at TV). In the description immediately preceding the dialogue, you already established the child was playing a video game. Therefore, the paranthetical is probably not needed.

Overall, wonderful job.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I enjoyed this piece. very creative family fun.

one point I want to make is the use of "..." into dialogue. it didn't flow very well. "Viruses claw at tissue walls trying to... VIRUS: Hold on!" "One of them loses his grip. He's sucked away from... THE OTHERS: No!" "Army marches as... CELL CAPTAIN: March!" The flow went from multiples to singles (and vice versa). very distracting to the actual story. You can simply end the action description. and, move right into dialogue.

cutting between the human world and the virus world worked well for me. I enjoyed seeing both perspectives.

and, the final image ended in a suspenseful and humorous tone.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Fun story. I like the perspective of going inside the body with anthopomorphic cells & viruses. Good twists. Writing is tight & clean. No major format errors, a few minor nitpicks below.

Some typos - looses for loses. ???? is off-format for a character name - I'd suggest VOICE (O.C.) instead.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm half a page in and I'm sure I've seen this commercial a 100 times! "phagocytized" there's a word that can't appear to often in scripts, sounds really threatening though! This is an entertaining read cleverly done and I like the twists at the end.

The similarity to adverts is so strong that I'd suggest you send this to the ad agencies that work with the drug companies! It also has a neat educational side so you've got that angle too.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I enjoyed this one. It did remind me of some of the commercials currently on TV, but it was still very good.

I liked how the virus threw up and created a twin. LOL.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Haven't read anything like this before, very interesting!

A funny kids story that everyone can enjoy!

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

A slightly worn premise, but always fun if the story brings something new to the table. And you do have a few things here.

The propagation gag was funny, as was the cookie near the end, but for the most part, the viruses vs. white blood cells battle was perfunctory and familiar.

Following two stories concurrently, both inside and outside the body, lent the story a little additional interest -- as Martin's masterplan unfolded -- then unraveled. I thought the revelation of the exam should not have come from Mom as early as it does. That would be something to save for later in the story, perhaps. And "going to play" does not seem urgent enough when Martin's plan turns against him. Perhaps a birthday party or an amusement park or something.

For small nits, the Neuron is never really described for having such a large role in the proceedings. You should have let your imagination take that a bit farther. And the "???" above the dialogue near the end is just weird -- that threw me for a second.

This is a good story, but the structure is a bit jumpy -- and things that could be fun "payoff" revelations are just not given enough punch.

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

Good command of the language. Good formatting. Ending weak. Something like this needs some kind of twist.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Awesome, awesome, awesome! This has to win this time.. it's so great. Such a fun concept, a wonderful pay off ending and just an all around really good script.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Wonderful!!! Very creative and unique.

One thought. In your opening description, I think you might show us more of an image of just his face (a close up). I got that visual, yet your description never showed us.

I have nothing else to comment on regarding this script. This is one of the better ones I have read here at moviepoet.com.

Most freaking excellent!

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was absolutely brilliant. Got no complaints about it whatsoever apart from a couple of typos - which I am ignoring.

Imaginative, clever, funny and overall a pleasure to read. I love scripts like this, I'll be very, very surprised if this isn't the winner....even though this is just the second one I've read. The rest have their work cut out.

EXCELLENT

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Hilarious & imaginative - loved it. Lots of fun & realistic in a "sick" way. I could totally see this as animation, especially the virus army. Methinks it's a winner.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

Really funny. I really liked this one. It started off a bit like a commercial but it was a very original concept and the ending extremely funny.

Not much bad to say on this. Nicely formatted and paced out. Easy to follow and good dialogue. My vote Very Good.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Fun. Great sense of tongue in cheek humor. I enjoyed the brain's wants in connection to the illness. I think this would be a fun story for families to watch; it has action, it's educational; and it's funny. Well done. I expect this to place very high.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable romp. Well written and perfect for the challenge. Loved it.

Comments Made After the Contest

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:06 AM

You did it again dude!!!!!

;D

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2008 12:06 AM

Congratulations. Both Joanna and I loved this story!

Meanwhile, someday when you are a famous screenwriter, remember us here at MoviePoet. :)

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:19 AM

Matias, you're a machine.

Well done. Great script (as usual.)

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2008 12:22 AM

Amazing, I loved this script. Many many congratulations!!!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2008 12:30 AM

Great story. One of my favorites this month.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 12:35 AM

Absolutely fabulous Mr. Z. You have such a wonderful imagination. I'm sure that's a key reason your scripts are always winners. Love to read your stuff.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:39 AM

Yeah Yeah Yeah, blah blah blah... what I said many many times before! ;-)

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 3:04 AM

Hey Z. Well done again. We should bottle you.

Aaron Williams (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 7:48 AM

Nice job, Ninja.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2008 8:06 AM

I knew this was yours M. I even tried not to like it so we could spread the 1st place finishes around. But in the end it was hopeless, an excellent script gets an excellent score. Your writing kicks ass man, can't wait to see what's in your trunk.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2008 8:08 AM

I was delighted that you showed you could write something different to your usual style and still do it so very well, I knew it was yours and thought it was very very good. You're simply the best!

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 8:09 AM

Hmm. I can usually spot you, Z. I knew instantly that "El Dorado" was yours, by the way.

This was good, but I stand by my comments, and marked this just south of Excellent. I am most pleased by your win, though, nevertheless.

This month's constest might just be speaking to me -- so bring it haha.

Adam Grage (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 9:36 AM

Matias--Two things: I need to clone you and hypnotize you to write under my name. Deal?

I missed this one during the month (just couldn't get over the hill with reviewing this month) and I missed this one. Just read it and yeah this would have been a excellent. Sure, a few typos but otherwise brillant.

Now, look into my eyes...you are getting sleepy... :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:09 AM

Whoa, look at that. This was my first family movie so I didn’t know what to expect. I’m so glad you liked this one. Thanks a lot for your comments and your kind words.

Special thanks to Joanna. This is the first time that someone of your age reads my work so I was a bit nervous, haha. I’m so happy you liked it. Thanks for taking the time to letting me know, it means a lot.

Dawn – yeah yeah, thanks, blah blah blah… :-)

Aaron – You meant Samurai maybe? :)

Caroline – It was quite an interesting experience to write outside my comfort zone. I’m thankful that MP “forced” me to do it.

Bert – I think the new contest might be speaking to me as well. *Smaks face with glove* :)

Adam – Try waving a hundred dollar bill, I found those much more hypnotic. :)

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2008 10:23 AM

This was a slam dunk.
I know I'm new here and all but I've noticed you write pretty good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 11:04 AM

Thanks, Erich. I like your work as well.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:10 PM

Thanks for your comments on my script and once again "Way to go!" There are a few of your scripts I missed this year; I'm going to read them through eventually, maybe something will rub off on me.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 12:53 PM

You really know the formula. The rest of us are still mixing things up but you got it. :) Personally I think you may be on steroids and eventually Chris will have to put an asterisk next to all of you wins.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 2:31 PM

Thanks Wes, hope you enjoy them.

And Marnie... the only way to test your theory, might be to try some steroids yourself. Let me know how it goes. :)

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2008 10:11 PM

Well done. The pharmaceutical advertising industry should be abuzz with people talking about buying the rights to this! Don't accept less than 6 figures and get them to throw in some of the wacky stuff from their research labs. They'll know what you mean!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2008 10:24 AM

6 figures? Lol! Please be my agent!

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 8/2/2008 2:57 PM

Matias- good job, man. Really enjoyed this one.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2008 3:48 PM

Thanks for taking a look, Rob. I appreciate it.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 8/11/2008 8:51 AM

AWW! Matias you went and got all PG on us. Great read. Reminded me of Osmosis Jones, but the adaptation to meet the contest rules was phenomenal.

Now who's gonna animate this one?

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/11/2008 9:20 AM

Ha! Thanks for the AWW Rusty, my work usually gets EWW's.

Production wise, I didn't have any bites yet. While I'm not familiar with Osmosis Jones or that TV commercial,a lot of people mentioned them, so this one might not be as original as I thought.

Anyways, I had fun writing it. Thanks for the read, man :)

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/22/2008 7:20 AM

Impressed with your research, I qualified as an Animal Nursing Assistant this year so I actally knew all that stuff was pretty spot on! really enjoyed that side of things, espcially the neuron flashing his Nervous System badge, that cracked me up.

I'm very interested in how you compose your scripts because they're so consistantly excellent and I notice in your reviews you mention conflict, or lack of it, a lot and just wondered if you had any tips/fab links on how you about finding conflict in a story. Do you come up with a conflict first, or a premise, or characters?

Sorry, just trying to get a peek into your talented brain.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 12/23/2008 7:18 AM

Hey MJ, thanks for taking a look.

For an in depth analysis about conflict check out Robert Mckee's "Story". The whole book is pretty good actually. I strongly recommend it.

Here's a pretty basic tip, which is always good to remember:

www.scriptsecrets.net/tips/tip281.htm

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/31/2008 8:23 AM

Thanks Matias,

I have Story on my shelf, it was the 2nd screenwriting book I bought, Syd Field's being the first, and I cried for about 2 days after reading it and didn't write for over a year! It deflated me totally, but then a wise man told me that some people aren't natural storytellers and need a book like that to guide them, which made me feel a whole lot better. And now that I'm older and wiser I feel I should take a peek between its covers again. It does seem to be hugely controversial with a real love or hate following.

I got a rather large Amazon voucher for Xmas and found a book on there called: 'Psychology For Screenwriters; building conflict in your script' by William Indick - there are no reviews and I've never heard of it but thought it looked interesting.

Hope you had a great Crimbo, and Happy New Year for tonight.