Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

You write too much, which my problem when I first started writing. The first half of page one is almost all about where the two characters are sitting. It can either bore the heck out of the reader or unless the detail of it all is very important in relation to the entire story. Good story though.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

This pretty much reads the same either way. I don't see any major benefit to this being told in reverse.

I think it would be more effective to cut the visiting room scene earlier and save the wheelchair reveal for when she gets out of the car. The story doesn't have enough punch towards the end, it kind of dies out in the middle.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very well written and paced. Very cool story. No problems that I noticed. Great job. Excellent.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I was ready to punch this guy in the face if the word baby came out of that mouth again. But, i think thats who this character was. That distinguished him from the very beginning. Also you set the tone with your descriptions right off which i liked.

While reading i tried to figure what this loser did but never really figured it out. These five pages literally flew by, credit to your good writing. But no answers were given. Was this guy a new guy she met, and why didn't he have a name. Was she breaking it off becuase the husband never visited her in the hospital. This is no way a five pager. It's more intended for a much larger scale type script. A twenty pager.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Very good indeed, this one. Tightly written, and would be relatively easy (few locations/characters) to turn in to a red hot film.

In some ways I found the Spanish hard to read, but I suspect, if spoken on screen, the context and facial expressions of the actors and so on would make it make more sense. And it would sound beautiful, unlike my stumbling attempts to say the words in my head!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was excellent.

Great story, great characters, cool reveal.

Love how it was only the 3 scenes and they told the story perfectly.

Can't think of anything that would improve it. Think you have a serious contender this month.

**

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Awesome.

Your craft is flawless. Your images haunting and powerful.

I love the secrets you keep and the moments you choose to reveal them (and even the ones you never reveal).

You last scene is phenomenal. It pulls the whole story together.

There is so much subtext here, actors will eat this up.

Simply excellent.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was written well but I wanted more of the story. Possibly too much set up at the visiting room. Some of the involved description could be cut down. Or maybe have the guy shanked in a first scene. I still liked the premise, and a clever way to get revenge. I thought it was good, I felt the visiting room drama and liked the reveal in the second scene, but the last scene wasn't really needed because I already know they were married. Good title.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

I found this interesting. But you could tighten it a little bit. I liked the story and less the characters.

Ian Cowell (Level 2)

I like that you have a reveal at the end of the first scene but I don't think the ending with the wedding is strong enough.
The second scene isn't clear that it happened in the past. you need something at the beginning of the scene to make this clear.
I enjoyed the story, though and the dialogue was believable.

John Brooke (Level 5)

I enjoyed the piquant sprinkling of Mexican Spanish words throughout your bitter script. The title is perfect and your premise has been adroitly achieved.

However action and dialog are both generally long, especially in the opening scene. You have exhibited good craft here so I’m sure you can slice and dice for easier reading.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Excellent. This was a well written revenge story. The scene in reverse was used intelligently. Although there were only three scenes, they were well crafted and preceeded each other smoothly. Predictable? Yes. However, the dialogue and the wheelchair were real and impacting. IT was also good to see a script take place in a setting not likely used often. Well done.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Wow! This was really great. Terrific descriptions. The way you described the first scene, I wanted to know who the characters were. I wanted to know their stories, and you didn't disappoint. I loved that we didn't learn that Rosario was in a wheelchair until the end of the second scene. Beautiful. Really excellent work.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Very well done. Excellent, in fact (or at least that's what I put). Loved the pacing and the continuation of the theme throughout. Dialogue was easy to follow, no extraneous characters, great stuff.

The reveal that Rosario was in a wheelchair was almost too abrupt. There was no hint of such a twist, but all of a sudden her mother grabs it. Instead of being an "Ohhhhh", it became a "What?" Perhaps you could just build in a quick action line about revealing her in a wheelchair, even just in the previous line.

Also, I'm going to reveal a bit of my health care field bias here for you. At the bottom of page 4, the young man puts a hand on the leg of a wheelchair-bound woman. Wouldn't that be considered insensitive? Would she even feel it? What's the nature of her problem, just muscle atrophy or also sensation loss? Just want to know that you considered her situation.

Lonnie McIntyre (Level 2)

I thought that the story was well told, even in reverse. The dialogue was great between Tyler and Rosario and really showed insight into their relationship. This is the first script that I've read in reverse, but it seemed to stay true to the required format. Also, good choice for the title.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I can't believe I'm rating an excellent in the first few scripts! I love this. It's amazing! Wonderful! Really well crafted...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Excellent! Top notch writing and dialog. Great story and characters. My fav so far.

I loved the twist at the end. Your visuals were fantastic. Her glance toward the tattooed man next to her was briefly mentioned but was done so well that I immediately knew what was happening when she met him outside.

A top three contender for sure. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

OK, the last scene was cheating a bit to get in a third scene, but it is releveant, so I'll overlook it. I liked how we were set up to sympathise with Rosario, only to discover her deception. I'm finding deception a common theme for this month's contest, and for good reason. It adds a good twist.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Excellent from me.

I especially liked how/when you revealed she was in a weelchair.

A little nit: some grammar/spelling issues in the spanish bits (like “lo ciento” = “lo siento”).

But nothing important to criticize here. You know what you’re doing.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

You are expert with description and dialogue. Liked the mixed use of english and spanish. Your characters are very well done.

The story was nicely constructed and created curiousity in the reader.

My only other feedback is that the quick wedding scene at the end was unecessary, and I assume you included it to meet the three scene requirement.

Very good job.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Great work. The action is well described and the dialogue is natural. The final scene was a great way to end it.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

An engaging story that can be trimmed quite a bit. we don't need to see Mother loading Rosario into a wheelchair. We already got that surprise exposition in the first scene. If you want to keep the tension high, eliminate the exposition from the first scene and keep it in the second scene.
also, trim the last scene. Their wedding day is not as dramatic as seeing Tyler get his ass kicked by the mexican inmate. In fact, that should be the opening image. Make us wonder why. then, work backwards and answer the question.
Good foreshadow from Man as visitor to Man as part of the plan.
my standard comment when clothing and accessories are used to describe: this tells me nothing about the character. How they act and talk is where the performers get their clues on how to play the character.
finally, work on writing active, present tense, third-person sentences. I noticed many verbs where you went passive = "are," "is," "-ly," and "-ing."

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

Writing a script in reverse is a very difficult task - you can't just take a story and tell it backwards. It has to work backwards so naturally that it would lose impact if told forwards. This script has achieved that beautifully. Information and character are revealed gradually and in exactly the right order to maximise the impact of the final scene. A great setup, great payoff and very apt title. Loved it. I would not change a word.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

There's a ton of potential for a good story here, but I think some of it got lost in the translation. I'm left with some questions, which is not always bad, but I'm wondering...

What exactly did Tyler do to Rosario to put her in a wheelchair?

Is Tyler in prison for life? If so, then why is Rosario doing this?

Couldn't Rosario just provide Tyler's information to the people who are gonna take care of him? Give them his full name, age, description, everything about him, because...

Wouldn't Tyler get a little suspicious when a 20-something, heavily tattooed Mexican appears a few seats down from Rosario, then starts talking to an Inmate who looks just like him?

There are a few typos throughout.

I believe emphasis in scripts is underlined, not italicized.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Once this gets going it is a gripping story. In particular you've done a good job of holding back information to reveal as the story goes on so that even though it goes backwards the story feels like it is going forwards.

The beginning of this uses quite a bit of description much of which is not specifically required. The result is that reading the beginning becomes a slow process.

You should probably give the MAN a name.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I enjoyed this. There was a solid structure and distinct characters. Rosario and Tyler's opening exchange runs a little long, given that the ending is so abrupt. I think it would make more of a statement if you foreshadowed Tyler's nasty side right after the wedding. Maybe he rages at a staff person or shows a violent temper at a small inconvenience. Rosario's exchange with the Man in the middle scene could be slightly more direct. Let us know exactly why they are meeting -- I would also suggest giving the Man a name. Overall, I think this is a solid entry. It tells the story in reverse but if the scenes were inverted, it tells the same story. I'd like to know how Rosario ended up in a wheelchair. Maybe foreshadow that incident and build up the wedding scene and this would be an excellent script.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Good idea with the prison setting.

I wanted more visual clues about the Mexican with tattoos pointing Tyler out.

Rosario's reveal with the wheelchair is very well done.

I like the blend of Spanish in the dialog and Tyler's lines were very well written. The dialog had to maintain the tension and pacing since we have very little action.

The final wedding scene was honestly quite weak and I wish you could have shown the event leading to her being on the wheelchair and then go to the wedding.

This has a lot of potential to be produced if re-written and polished a bit.

Nicely done.

Look forward to more of the same.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

A good story, told well. Revenge is sweet, that's the theme I think. It was a sad story, and I felt Rosaria's pain for what she'd gone through. Abuse is a terrible thing.

I thought the writing was very well done. I could picture the scenarios in my mind. Nothing was confusing, it played out well and was a very strong story.

Title Good
Story Very Good
Concept Very Good
Dialog Very Good
Characters Very Good

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Very good story. I like the twist at the end of the first scene where we find out that Rosario is in a wheelchair. It works very well that you don't tell us that at the beginning but show us at the end. The subtext in the dialog takes on a whole new meaning when we realize she's paralyzed. I like the way that you introduce information without doing straight exposition. You don't need to show us how they got there because you show us the result.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

I didn't get the story. It seems like it is incomplete. Other than that I don't understand spanish, cuban or mexican to understand some of the dialogues but yes it did bring reality in the script. Visually it was nice. I could see the man pleading behind the glass seperation. But it left me confused and so... it would hurt your score.

I don't know what went wrong or who was the tattoed man and what was his job. I don't know what did the husband do to deserve the imprisonment. A lot of left out ends. A rewrite could help the script more understandable.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

You got the emotion just right for this. Great dialogue and very believable characters. Really no complaints with this one.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

You could trim down the description to make the reading flow better. And it is a pity that once Rosario's eyes dart to the man sitting next to her, the story becomes predictable. But, still, the story is interesting.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Bueno !! 5 Stars, loved it. Your action block are filled with great great stuff, your dialog = superb, the tone of the whole thing and you descriptions are..., impressive to say the least. And last but not least - solid twist at the end, with a very organic feel to it.

One of my favorite lines was, "There are many ways to get into a bad situation, mija. But sometimes there's only one way out."

Wow, great advice for all.
I hope to write more like you do someday :-)
Best!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Very nice. Rolled along smooth and the dialogue was awesome. I did think that the ending seemed a little out-of-place. It tied up the whole story from the beginning and all but it just felt off flashing alllll the way back to the wedding like that.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2008 12:07 AM

I loved this script. One of my all time favorites. Congratulations on the win.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2008 12:24 AM

Yay! I thought this one might be yours. Congratulations! I really loved this story and am so excited for your win!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 12:44 AM

Excellent SP. My fav this month for sure. I just realized that you've entered 4 and placed in 4. Jeesh. Congrats! :)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/1/2008 1:06 AM

Go Erich!

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2008 2:04 AM

Hell Yes! I'm so glad this one won!
Congrats ;-)

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 3:52 AM

Congrats Erich, I only scored 3 excellent this month and yours was one of them. I guess you're dissapointed you didn't claim your 3rd place back though? ;o)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2008 4:24 AM

Now you've gone and done it.

I told you to wait another month after I turn moderator, before coming in first place.

Now they might suspect I had something to do with this.

Nice going Legsy Mcleghorn.

And don't deny the fact that I didn't inspire your handicapped character, coz' I've already been telling people that.

Enjoy your fifteen Vonheeder and congrats! :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 9:11 AM

First things first: my entry was closer to the Third Place than yours so, clearly, I kicked your ass.

Second: Like I said in my review, this one was great. I think it's my favourite script from you so far.

Buen trabajo! :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2008 9:12 AM

Well done Erich!!! I learned so much from re reading your script last night, as to what works in a well written story.

Excellent!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2008 12:42 PM

Thanks everybody for your (mostly) kind words.

Kathleen: I know you have a DQ script sitting on your hard drive. Unless you have designs on entering it in a future contest, I need to see it in my inbox PRONTO. I have to study the craft of a Nicholl semi-finalist before you get too big to admit you know me!

Rustom: I knew you'd put the fix in for a wheelchair script. You're so predictable. BWAAAAHAHAHA!!!!!

Carusobot: It's spelled "bueno."

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/1/2008 1:02 PM

Well, you've done a good job of hiding your disappointment for not coming third.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 1:47 PM

"Carusobot: It's spelled "bueno."

Sometimes, only sometimes, my very young apprentice.

Good job = Buen trabajo
This is good = Esto esta/es bueno

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2008 1:55 PM

Ha ha!

That first place made him think he's an expert linguist now. A lisp is not an accent, legume.

Olé Sénor Caruso!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2008 5:41 PM

Congrats Erich! One of the three Excellents I gave out this month. Good work.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2008 11:20 PM

Brian: Thank you very much!

Matias: I don't know what you're basing your information on, but I took two years of beginning Spanish so...you know...I'll just leave it at that.

Rustom: It's spelled "languist."

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/2/2008 11:33 AM

Congrats, Erich! Best of luck with this script.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3) ~ 11/2/2008 5:29 PM

Congratulations on a well deserved win. Ignore the comments asking for less description, Spanish translations, or a different ending. It is beautifully crafted and it works - please don't dumb it down or make it bland and obvious. Not everybody will get it, and even if they did, not everybody will like it. That's life.

I don't speak a word of Spanish and have no problem understanding what is going on. It would lose something of the raw emotion if you distracted people with translation or subtitles.

I have personal experience with spousal abuse and think you did a fantastic job with both the abuser and the victim - without tatooing the information on their foreheads for all to see from the very first line.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/3/2008 9:49 AM

I think it's an interesting thing, Nicky, and it's been a really great benefit of being involved in MoviePoet and giving and getting so much diverse input on everything you write: I've stopped trying to write "perfect" scripts. I think there's a part of every writer that thinks that there is a perfect combination of words out there that will satisfy everyone, and that part of us makes us rewrite and rewrite, trying to cater to this elusive ghost of an audience...and the idea of "satisfying people" can be so damaging to the creative process. I don't know.

My script this month is no different than the winning scripts from any other month: there are always a lot of people who just don't like it. It's funny...if HALF the people who read your script really love it, you will win first place by a landslide.

I know I'm kind of rambling here but I think it's such a valuable lesson. Chasing preferences, seeking approval...whether it's MoviePoet or the William Morris Agency...is a losing cause. Opinions are like sand...fun as hell to play in, but don't build your house on it.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/3/2008 12:46 PM

Did you just give me an order on my post contest comments thread, knave?

I'd never waste a virus on you.

I haven't written a feature western. This is only my second attempt at the genre.

The first Western I wrote was, "The Patch-up Kid" a previous MP entry. Would love your thoughts on "Burma" as well. Nobody knows I re-wrote that one.

My ego isn't bloated I was born that way. The day I was born the doctor smacked my ass to make me cry and I went "Whaaa..t, is that the best you can do, pansy?"

Ali Barr (Level 4) ~ 11/4/2008 1:12 PM

Congratulations Erich. Powerful story. I didn't get to this one unfortunately. I liked it a lot. Great images. You said so much in so little time.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 11/6/2008 11:04 AM

Congrats on the win! :-)

I liked the story and thought it was well plotted and clever.

My own twisted mind thought Rosario was just faking the wheelchair part when we see her and her mother in the parking lot. I'm almost liking that idea better. Would make this a more sinister thriller type script rather than drama... or maybe I'm wrong.

I think your writing could be trimmed some. I groaned when I first saw all the black on page one, but you made me forget that as the story went along.

Great job!

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 11/10/2008 2:22 AM

First scene:

Good visuals, but from a director, or even an actor, it's not do-able. Too many descriptions. Too novelesque. You're not giving anyting for the actor. As one, I don't want every thing spilled out for me. That's what you're doing. Great scene, though. Defined wants and needs, although we don't know which one is which. Tyler does more talking, but Rosario is more sympthatic, at least in my opinion.

Second:

Not sure about this one. Great descriptions, but, like earlier, I'm not sure all of them are needed. I'm not sure who wants what. It's too amiguous. A perfect scene involves wants and needs. Who wants what in this scene? The man, or mother? Rosario is a rag doll. She has no idea. Make it more concrete. And isn't it "lo siento" instead of "lo cienteo"? Just checking... my spanish was always 'muy malo'.

Third:

We're missing something. A very, very big something. I'd rather it end with Tyler's big boom, than with a wedding. Fuck that. Show us how the accident happened.

If I read this a month ago, I wouldn't have given this a Good. Lo siento. Great writing, but lousy story. The first two scenes were great. I want to know more. You went too far into the past. I want to know what happened.

TELL ME!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/10/2008 8:20 AM

I had to respond - I couldn't disagree more with Austin's take on this script.

I think the story here is phenomenal and the ending, as is, is perfect. It echoes throughout the story and without it, it wouldn't work.

As I said in my review above, this one of my all-time favorite MoviePoet scripts and I wouldn't change a word of it.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/11/2008 10:38 AM

I've said it before and I'll say it again: MoviePoet is an absolute blessing because you get to see just how unlikely it is to write a universally loved screenplay...how impossible it is to be everything for everybody...how silly it is to chase opinions. It's really quite freeing.

You have to write from your heart and if only 10% of your readers HATE it, you have a hit on your hands!

Thanks for your honest assessment Austin. I disagree with a few of your assertions there, but ain't that just what makes life interesting?!?

And thanks, once again, to you Chris. Love this place. (I haven't been told I SUCK this much since I had an agent and lived in L.A. It's very nostalgic. ;) )

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/11/2008 11:39 AM

All I wanna know is are you still hanging on to your third place flukes?

I'll take 'em off your grimy hands, Biped O' Leggery.

Coz' I've been trying hard, people tell me I don't suck and still no winning entry.

Umm! Uhhh!

Nyah!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/11/2008 11:53 AM

The 1st Place was a fluke...I DESERVED those thirds.
I EARNED those bad boys.

And if you lay a FINGER on my Thirds you will need wheels for your wheels, I tell you what. And don't think I can't find Indonesia on a map or wherever the hell it is you live because I know people that can find things on maps.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/11/2008 12:09 PM

I already have wheels for my wheels. They're called training wheels. Just like the rodent attached to the spinning wheel on the helmet you're wearing, allows you to put together thought processes.

Now go write winning scripts and stop running the script-writing sweat shop where talented baby Woody Allen's battle it out with Young William Goldman's for the gruel you feed 'em to get those scripts.

I'm on to your plans. My agents in Jakarta are geniuses.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/11/2008 12:17 PM

Jakarta. Ha.
Where is that? Right between Oz and Whoville?
Fakest name I've ever heard.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/11/2008 1:51 PM

You had an agent? Whoa!

Lend me your helmet and your rodent; I'll feed that sucker some heroine chesse!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/11/2008 2:00 PM

Yes. I had an agent.
Please kneel in awe.

Now let us never speak of it again.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/11/2008 3:02 PM

May I correct "heroine" to "heroin" while I kneel?

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/11/2008 3:13 PM

Don't admit your mistakes my Latin friend. He feeds off it.

Use reverse sociology to thwart his mind numbing powers (I have to call 'em powers, gibberish just sounds too haute and he doesn't know the meaning of the word haute. Or gibberish). It's more advanced than reverse psychology.

Let me illustrate,

Erich, when in India do unto Romans as they would have you do unto Chinese immigrants who worked on the railroad that the Russians bombed in the area occupied by present day Scandinavian settlers from Norway.

See!

Now you give it a try, it's fun to see him run around in circles trying to figure things out on his pocket map of Antarctica.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/11/2008 3:55 PM

I know better than to think the Carusobot 7.0 makes mistakes.

This is EXACTLY like the time my toaster pretended to accidently burn my toast, but really just wanted me to stick a knife in there.

As for you and your so called "geography", General, you can take your maps and SHOVE 'EM. Stupid things with all their "borders" and "countries."

The sooner the U.S. takes over the whole world and we don't have to remember all those other kooky names, the better. Seriously. "Argentina?" Who named that place, Gwenyth Paltrow? Come on.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/11/2008 4:57 PM

LOL - lovin' the toaster comment

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/12/2008 6:29 AM

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: MoviePoet is an absolute blessing because you get to see just how unlikely it is to write a universally loved screenplay...how impossible it is to be everything for everybody...how silly it is to chase opinions. It's really quite freeing." -- Love that way of thinking.

""Argentina?" Who named that place, Gwenyth Paltrow? Come on." -- or Brangelina.

I will check this script out and leave comments. Congrats.

Michael Moellgaard (Level 1) ~ 11/18/2008 4:42 PM

Just loved the script! Two comments:

1) Many commentators complain about the final scene. But that's where the story telling becomes art! Because of the way it all turned out the initial vow carries a new meaning: Death was not originally meant to come from within! However, this twist is ONLY possible in retrospect, therefore the story wouldn't read the same had the scenes been revealed in the opposite direction - that would have made it just dull and boring. The reverse order as we have it here is exactly what illuminates that the vow of eternal love is turned into antidote.
2) The racist issue. What if Rosario and the tattooed guys had not been Mexican but white. And the MAN in orange jumpsuit black? (Yes, that would render the spoken Spanish obsolete but that's just a technicality). We have here a romantic clichè: basically good hearted hispanic woman with fierce emotions though (think Bizet's Carmen) and strong family ties (probably the mother cooked up the revenge plan) is capable of finding a perfectly trustworthy 20-year old (whose friend is in prison, but never mind that, it's not because he's a criminal, he's just the victim of some political injustice) to rid her of an altogether uncongenial white man. Who is already imprisoned - does he need more punishment than that?

Anyway, story very well told, brillant twist, great thrill. Would be fun to turn into a movie.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/18/2008 6:58 PM

Thanks for your comments Michael.

I think it's a very interesting point you bring up in regards to race and all the baggage that it can bring into a story.

As writers, we've had it tattooed across our foreheads that cliches are bad and stereotypes are dull and...to some extent...that may be true. But one of the most important questions a writer can ask is "What are the expectations of my audience at this point?" Setting an audience up for one thing (encouraging expectations), then delivering another, is the bread and butter of a good story.

In stereotypes (race, weight, wealth, religion...anything horrible that we're not supposed to bring up at dinner parties) we have a ready-made package to deliver to our audience...pre-packaged emotion. How great is that?!?

The KEY, of course, is being aware of the stereotypes at work in your writing...allowing stereotypes to fill in blanks about characters (which is kind of what I did in this script), or leveraging those same preconceived notions in the name of unexpected character surprises.

Like I said, great topic to discuss, no doubt.

Anyhoo...welcome to MoviePoet, Michael. Hope to see some of your work soon.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/19/2008 9:58 AM

Must...resist...retorting...to...deliberate omission of handicapped from stereotype list.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/19/2008 10:26 AM

Don't scare off the new membership, wheelie.

As a representative of the site, you should at least make a token effort to hide your horrific prejudices (e.g., Americans, non-handicaps, tigers, D&D, Ice Cube).

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/19/2008 10:33 AM

I love American handicapped tigers who hunt down D&D playing nerds for lunch as Ice Cube's music resonates across the Savannah.

Would you rather have an official who hides his prejudices or one who reads like an open book? I make for damn interesting reading. Especially to amateur shrinks.

Now go run on those legs, or whatever it is you do with those appendages, Leguffin.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/19/2008 11:07 AM

I sprained my ankle yesterday, I'll have you know.
Initially, I thought it might provide some common ground for the two of us.

But then I realized that it only made me dislike you that much more. I'm not sure why exactly. But I've never made a habit of over-thinking my reactions and I'll be darned if I'm going to start now. So...there it is.

And don't even try to pretend that you support America. You're just trying to get on the bandwagon because you know our economy is about to not completely fail!

U-S-A!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/19/2008 11:17 AM

"I sprained my ankle yesterday, I'll have you know."

YESSS!

Another reason to be glad my legs don't work. They're useless. USELESS, I say.

Good lord! Now I'm beginning to sound like you.

Um! Can I borrow a shiny dollar? You know for a rainy day. It rains a lot here in Indo-Asia.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/19/2008 12:42 PM

To use the words of great American leader, Snoop Dogg:

You think you'll blow all my dough?
What the f***? No.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/19/2008 12:54 PM

To reply in the words of great American animated character, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon:

Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one?

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/19/2008 1:31 PM

To reply in the words of great American animated barkeep, Moe Szyslak:

"It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot."

Rob McCarthy (Level 2) ~ 11/25/2008 3:34 PM

I just joined this site and, as an example of the bar to be reached, that was pretty intimidating! Wonderfully paced, and a brilliant note to end on. Thank you.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/25/2008 4:04 PM

Welcome to MP Rob, and thanks for the kind words!
Don't be intimidated by anybody here though. For the amazing amount of talent that hangs out on this site, there is very little ego. Just a lot of folks trying to get better at something. Quite the refreshing anomoly, I reckon.

See...I just misspelled anomaly and noone even made fun of me yet.
Try that on Zoetrope!!

Looking forward to reading your work!

Ade Braithwaite (Level 0) ~ 11/29/2008 8:27 PM

Erich, congrats on your no doubt deserved win. This is my first review so I feel I have not earned the right to say too much. I agree with perhaps it being a little too descriptive at the start. Apart from this I felt it an excellent story and very well told. On further thought it perhaps is suitably crafted like an arrow in flight, wide of the mark at the start but very pointed and precise at its final destination the end. A really good read indeed.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 11/30/2008 12:38 AM

Thanks for the read, Ade.

I have an admitted problem with getting a little too "blah blah blah" with my descriptions, so I think your comments are right on the money there.

Welcome to MP, and I look forward to reading your work (and more of your reviews).

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 3/8/2009 10:09 PM

I've been looking back at older scripts and this one is really great.
Love the wheelchair reveal. Once that was out there, there was no possibility of my attention straying before the end. The end is great. I do you think that it would have lost its power had it been told in chronological order. This was truly meant to be told in reverse.
Congrats on the deserved win!

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 12/12/2010 9:55 PM

I enjoyed this, love the way it was played out in reverse. The ending was perfect. I agree that if this was linear it would not be as effective.
:) Heather

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 12/13/2010 12:12 AM

Thanks for the kind words, Heather. Welcome to MoviePoet.