Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Not bad. I liked your characters and the concept. I would like to see you rev it up a little more. How did Jim get back into the bank suddenly? It seemed too comic book. Also, how did he get the robbery thing all of a sudden. Just needs a slight reality check to make the reader have a little more mystery. Good story. See if you can add some more suspense in the bank. Maybe Jim can seem dead longer and Kera can really come to her senses realizing his sacrifice without us knowing if he is going to make it or not.

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Is it wrong that through the majority of reading this I felt it should've been a comedy...weird. But I somehow...through some act of God, liked it despite the fact I know it's truly not all that good. It just pulls at my heart in some way.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

There was a lot here that wasn't working for me. Some of the language is worded weird. The dialogue doesn't flow very naturally. Some logistical things that didn't make sense to me ended up affecting the flow as I tried to ponder them. How did Jim get into the bank if the doors were locked? What computer games come with a metal casing thick enough to stop a bullet? Overall, I'd say the concept was solid but the execution was not. With some polishing, this could be a pretty cool story though. Nice effort.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This screenplay was in essence full of action, but the action wasn't impactful. It was written in such a way that it didn't strike home. I'm not sure quite why but I think it was because there was no depth to the characters of Mrs. Smith and partner so the tension was forced.

Neither did I engage with Jim or Kera. The action was weighted so that Mrs. Smith and partner seemed more important than the people who I imagine were meant to be your protagonists.

It was a good idea, if predictable - geek saves lovely woman - but it didn't come off for me, I'm afraid.

I didn't really get the sense of love. You had them SAY it but it wasn't there.

'credit union feeling bank' ? I don't know what on earth this description means.

Confused between 'muscular hooded figure' and 'lean hooded figure'

Would Kera really roll her eyes when faced with a mad woman with a gun?

Ted? How does Jim know who Ted is?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like the idea of a timid young man in love who finds his courage in the middle of a bank robbery.

However, I think there are a few problems with this script. First, the dialogue feels a little stiff. Second, I wouldn't have Jim leave the bank. Keep him their and keep the tension high. Figure out a way for him to use his intelligence to save the day. Third, I don't think you need the flash forward. Ending with a kiss is perfect.

I hope that helps.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I got lost with the fake robbery attempt/set-up. Wouldn't someone have gone to jail? The whole thing was highly unlikely, you mixed sappy with action and left me confused. Perhaps this was a comedy. The formatting was fine, characters funny, dialogue confusing. As for the contest requirement, Gold, Gold Bank, a joke that is gold?

Eric June (Level 2)

That was a fun read, but I thought the story was a bit too predictable and cliched.

The event that caused Jim to run out of the bank wasn't clear to me. You say "Mrs. Smith muffles threats". That could be expanded some for clarity.

I also didn't understand how Jim was able to suddenly appear (moments later) back in the bank. Had he walked back in the front door, I imagine the robbers would have stopped him immediately. Since he is a computer geek, maybe you could add a scene where he hacks the electronic security lock on the back door, or something like that?

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Page 2: Avoid run-on sentences. Example: "Silence fills the lobby of this small credit union feeling bank except for the whispers of the transactions from the busy tellers as three patrons wait patiently for help." Perhaps rewrite this one long sentence into more. Consider: "Silence fills the lobby of the small credit union. The only sounds are whispered transactions from the tellers. Three patrons wait in line."

Page 2: "Her neighbor just nods her head no and proceeds to help her customer." When you nod your head you are saying yes. When you shake your head, you are saying no. So this sentence should be: Her neighbor shakes her head "no" and proceeds to help her
customer."

Page 2: "He hands her a wade of cash...." Should be "He hands her a WAD of cash...."

Page 3: The following sentence does not make sense to me: "Jim's head hangs down as he walks away which he walks into a lean hooded figure, MRS. SMITH."

Page 3: "Employees and patrons alike begin screaming." Try to write leaner. Instead of what is written, the following will do: "Employees and patrons scream."

Page 6: Again, watch out for run-on sentences: "An old Jim sits beside Kera, who gracefully aged, at the head table facing the other twenty tables full of relatives
and friends." Consider something like: "An old Jim sits beside Kera. Both have aged gracefully. They sit at the head table, facing twenty tables of relatives and friends."

John Brooke (Level 5)

Interesting creative love story premise and mostly smoothly executed with a many rough spots.

There are some awkward moments on of which occurred when Jim suddenly and without any visible clue, suddenly decides that something threatening is going on back at the Savings and Loan. What was it that tipped him off? Why does he suddenly say “But Ted will save her.” Who’s Ted? Never heard or saw him before or after.

Out of thin air Jim appears and jumps in front of Kera and heroically takes the bullet meant for her.

Lots of kisses – but I think you should take more care of your craft, you have the spark.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

You need to do a lot of tidying up. Your idea is good but the writing lets you down, with your commas, spaces and returns in the wrong places. Your paragraphs don’t flow and lack dramatic impact.

I think it would help if you were more descriptive with your characters, even the minor ones. For example, give Kera’s work colleague a name. That way she could say something to Kera instead of “Her neighbor just nods her head no.”

The “muscular hooded figure” changes name to Partner. Perhaps if you gave him a name when you introduced him (like you did with Mrs. Smith) along with a description.
The epilogue is also redundant, adding little to the story.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This script was pretty good. The writing is good, but Jim's dialogue felt too weak. I undersand ne's a geek and all, but the point was sort of stressed. How did he know the bank was being robbed? Also, the doors were locked earlier on in the script, so how did Jim get in? The title element connection was there, and that was cool, and I also feel the anniversary scene at the end was pretty cool, but the whole bank robbery scene could use a bit of revising. Good Job!

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

This is a very popular story idea- geek gets the beauty... but I don't get why! Why are "computer geek/nice guys" attracted to mean beautiful woman who treat them like crap until they need rescuing?

While the story obviously wasn't my cup of tea, I thought your story was structured well, with a definite beginning, middle, and end. I appreciated the action, and thought the ending was sweet.

The dialogue felt a bit unnatural to me. I'm not sure if this was what you were going for. If not, I've found it useful to read my scripts out loud to see if the dialogue flows and works with style of story I am trying to tell.

The character name "Mrs. Smith" remind me of the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"... intentional?

Your line "Jus' another computer geek who fears real life heroic adventures" was too on the nose for me. You do a good job showing us that Jim is a coward; he doesn't need to say it.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think the idea is decent but the execution is a bit sloppy. The dialogue is really clunky. I didn't get how Jim knew they were in trouble just by sitting in his car? was the radio on? did he see across the street? Some of the dialogue doesn't sound speakable...you should get a reading together.

I think there is a kernal of a story in there; but right now it's too hard to get to.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title is nicely carried through into the name of the bank and the character of Kera.

"His face reddens when he realizes what he's done." What HAS he done? Reading it, I was confused by this line. All he did was bump into an old lady. And the partner calls Kera "trailer trash". Was she, really? I didn't get that from the earlier description, but everyone knows what trailer trash is. It's an epithet that doesn't get tossed around inaccurately.

The twist of Jim coming back was predictable, but erratically done. His dialogue in the car makes little sense, and how did he get back in when the Partner had already locked the doors? And how did Jim even know Ted's name? I'm also pretty sure that a computer game wouldn't stop a bullet, even if perfectly aimed. Too many inconsistencies to be considered fully polished.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

"...small credit union feeling bank..." This is an odd, and unclear description. If you mean a small cozy home-town type bank, say that.
My biggest issues with this story are with continuity. Jim leaves the bank, the hooded muscle locks the doors, but Jim magically appears to stop the bullet meant for Kera. (Did Jim pick a lock?) In the process, Jim knocks her down, but when he "...lands on the ground, motionless...", "Kera stands there in shock". The dialogue also sounds un-natural.

Loraine Mcbarron (Level 3)

It was well written and good story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like your story. It's amusing and sweet. I like your charaters. This was a good effort. I have some technical suggestions, though.

You start out saying that the bank has the feel of a small credit union. You could tighten that up by eliminating the "like" and just saying what it is.

I'm also wondering about the choices you made for your physical descriptions of Kera and Jim. Is Jim supposed to be shorter than Kera? In the end you mention that Kera leans over to kiss him and then he calls her an Amazon. I think this should all be included in their opening descriptions. It's an important part of who they are in your story, and I think you can 'cast' them accordingly.

There are some minor usage errors - wad not wade, shake not nod - and the dialogue's a little stiff and formal at times.

All in all, a good effort.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Many parts of this story didn't tie together. I like the idea you had with the couple falling for eachother during the bank robbery and fast forward to 55 years into the future. It felt rushed near the end.

"credit union feeling bank" - what does that mean?

I didn't understand how out of no where Jim knew Kera was in trouble. And how did Jim get into the bank if:"The muscular hooded figure reappears from the back and locks the doors."???

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Ugh. That last scene left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. Why oh why cut to 55 years in the future? It doesn't serve any purpose and is driving me crazy right now!

There was also some awkward dialogue (e.g. 'No harm will come as long as my demands are met.') It's good practice to read your dialogue (and maybe the whole script) out loud to yourself before you finalise it, to make sure it sounds realistic.

The ending was quite confusing as well. Kera was shot at and Jim appeared from nowhere? Then she doesn't ask how he survived being shot (I presumed that's what happened) until after they kiss?

Another thing - they kiss passionately three times in quick succession. Can't they kiss some other way?

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I knew where this was heading from the title and the first slugline.

There's some confusing action: he knocks Kera down and then she stands there? You never state that Jim gets shot so the reveal with the computer game doesn't work.

The ending was a little too corny for my tastes and the whirlwind roomance didn't really work for me. Jim came across as creepy and Kera was rightly put off but then suddenly they're in love after he saves her life? I don't buy it.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

The idea that Jim saves Kera to get him to go out with her is good. I also liked the conceit of the bullet being stopped by the computer game. I have a hard time believing that Jim could just stroll back into the bank while the robbery was going on. The last scene, 55 years into the future, while warm and fuzzy, is unnecessary. It doesn't tell us anything new or change our understanding of the story.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Noir sort of script. I think the story was too big for five pages and because of that it lacked suspense. The dialogue while good for the style left me feeling a bit detached from the characters involved.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

Hmmm this one didnt come off quite right for me. It got alittle tooo unrealistic, with me wodnering why actually anyone would want to go out with Kera at all. You make her alittle to blunt I guess, and it comes off as vicious. Also, the fact that she would defy robbers with a gun seemed way too much of a stetch, and makes me wonder why Jim even needed to "save" her if she is this head strong. Though one little thing I liked was taht the girl partner was actaully the one in charge for once and the man once the coward one of the group. So anyway theres some good stuff here but flesh out the characters more and the story itself should improve next time.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I like how Jim becomes a hero from a coward to save Kera. You set up the characters neatly at the beginning with the lovesick Jim and slightly freaked out Kera, annoyed by his obvious attentions.

It is quite a stilted read however due to typos and poor grammar; I get the feeling you're quite new to scriptwriting and this is obvioulsy a great site to hone your craft and get advice.

I was unsure as to wether Jim knew they were robbers when he legged it out of there, would they have let him get away and how did he get back in? I felt the ending in the bank, leading to the kiss was a little rushed, but liked the computer saving him and I didn't quite get why Jim & Kera would lie about how they met.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

well, I don't know where Gold fits into this. At first, I thought it was the "Golden Anniversary." but, no. that is the 50th.
The love story was pretty scarce. I was expecting something more traditional. especially with a title as simple as "Gold." You kind of framed a love story around a bank robbery.
the story, itself, was rather rushed and didn't make complete sense. I think once you have a fresh look at the piece, you will agree. also, once the five-page restriction is lifted, you will be able to complete this and give it the treatment it deserves.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Good screenwriting with tight action sentences, although some descriptions can still be pared down a little, but nothing gets clumped up in large paragraphs. Some of the wording seemed awkward and there were a few typos throughout.

Also, people talking to themselves always seems weird and exposition heavy.

As far as the story, a few plot-hole type issues came to me:

How does Jim re-enter the bank after the Partner locks the doors from the inside?

A metal computer game case strong enough to stop bullets at close range? I don't know about that.

The robbers throw bags of money at Kera to carry, but she's tied and gagged on the floor?

Pretty good use of the element in the story, but maybe if the robbers were there to steal gold it could have kept that theme going.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Well written and the story was pretty good. I didn't like the part where Jim jumped in front of the bullet. Seemed like it would have been okay if he was still inside the building. but for him to get in without the crooks noticing and not shooting him for coming in seems like it was a far stretch.

It seemed like a run of the mill nerd overwhelms a beauty with courage and what not. (ala Revenge of the nerds) Which isn't bad since you knew what was going to happen and you can't really be too disappointed.

Good luck this month!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The climax of the bank robbery just whizzes by and most of the script has thriller/action elements rather than a love story.

I wish there was more to them falling in love. The ending then proceeds to the future and adds a prologue which isn't really necessary nor does anything to move the plot forwards.

Is the whole section before this a flashback, then?

Also the flash of insight that Jim has in the restaurant isn't that plausible and seems out of nowhere.

Because you showed the hooded figures in your descriptions and introduced Mrs. Smith the robbery too seemed a bit unrealistic. I mean if the partner is gonna close the banks doors, someone has to take notice, right?

I think you had a decent premise to set the romance inside a bank being robbed. But you enter each scene and then remember it has to be a love story at the end to tone down the proceedings to keep them light.

Therefore what is supposed to be elevated tension, just fizzes out. Even the cops arriving on scene is a bit too much matter of fact.

I'd love to see a re-write with more about Jim and Kera and keep Jim in the bank, don't have him pop out, contemplate, have an insight and then pop back in.

The door's were closed after all, weren't they?

You have shown an understanding of the skills it takes to write a script but the execution needs a bit more work.

But I see a lot of promise. Do continue to write.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Fun story with some good moments. I thought your character of Jim was your best one.
The story is a little on the nose and needs work though. I wasn't sure why Jim knew Kera was in danger and why don't we ever really see Ted? When Kera mentions him I had to think if he'd been introduced and I'd missed him.

I'm not sure if Jim would tell Kera that it was his looks that scared him. The thing is, though he's a bumbling character and sort of lovable, I almost side with Kera, thinking that he is a wimp.

Would he suddenly become brave and come back and save the day?

Most of the story works well, you just need to trim up the bank scene a little. I would have Jim stay in the parking lot of the bank, I just don't buy that suddenly he would get a feeling that Kera was in trouble.

Title Good
Characters Fair
Story Fair
Dialogue Fair
Concept Fair

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

This is a fun, good story but it needs some polishing. It would definitely be improved with proofreading. I wasn't entirely sure where you were going sometimes and had to read things more than once because of errors. It's better if you can keep the reader focused on the story. One thing that I got really hung up on is that Jim jumped after the gun "went off". Bullets travel faster than the speed of sound so if Jim hears it go off, it's already too late to jump in front of it.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I see where you're going with this. I really do. It was just a little too cliche. Guy likes girl, girl doesnt like guy. Something goes down, guy needs to save girl. Guy gets shot, something stops bullet, guy and girl fall in love.

Now, you're writing was just fine. It flowed easily and was a pleasant read. It was just too entirely predictable. This just seemed more like a personal fantasy than it did a compelling story. I'm not meaning to be harsh, but you've got the format down, you know how to write a screenplay. Write something a little more dramatic, work on the dialogue and have the two characters delve deeper into how opposite they are from eachother. I realize you only had five pages to finish this, and things needed to be hurried, but we could have spent less time on descriptions of how brave the girl was, standing up to the bank robbers, and more time on the connection between the lovers.

All of this is my personal opinion, it's not an ultimatum.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Pet Peeve time - I hate the whole 'nods his head no/yes'. As far as I'm concerned you nod your head for yes and shake your head for no. I don't know if I'm missing something but whenever I read a line like that it annoys me. lol sorry, onto the rest of your script now.

I don't know how Jim knew there was a robbery. My main problems though are;

I didn't like your main protag Jim. He came across pretty creepy and that's bad when he's the one we should root for.

I also couldn't quite believe most of what happened in your script. Everything was a little too conveniant and felt very staged.

I don't have anything really positive to say, sorry, the actual writing was fine though.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the beginning, good set-up and fast launch into the robbery.

I didn't like the part where Jim is talking to himself in the car, this came off as contrived.

The romance could be stronger; maybe Jim actually works in the bank, further intensifying her discomfort and his awkwardness. One little encounter plus the rescue was not enough interaction to build the relationship for me.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Yours is a very romantic, very dramatic, and full of action story. Whereas that is very good, I find that it has a comprehensive problem with continuity, and I'd say that the dialogues are a little cliched. The good news is that all of that can be mended, and, with a story like yours, I'd certainly try.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

I Liked the story.

Kera had some good attitude, I liked that too.

Some of the dialog seemed awkward though, like
"That is why we often left everyone
thinking that we met at a drive-thru
and instantly knew, than this bank
robbery romance."

It might have more impact if you shortened it. Example:
"That's why we told everyone we met at a drive-thru,
not a bank caper."

Also another thing that confused me was

"Mrs. Smith muffles threats. "

So, was she muttering to herself, or did she threaten Ted in a whispered tone,
and that is why he ran from the bank? This doesn't seem clear to me.

PS Nice tie-ins with the word "Gold"

Overall Good job.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This story isn't all that compelling. It lacks originality and the ending didn't satisfy. If you rewrite this, I would suggest adding something that we haven't seen before or not expecting. Parts of this story comes across as funny, such as when Jim runs from the bank and peels out. I liked the flash forward piece. There may be a few laugh out loud moments if this is shot right.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This rough draft needs a lot of work. Besides all the grammar and punctuation errors (see below for a sampling), the story is extremely awkward because the dialogue is far too on-the-nose. This unnatural dialogue also tells the story instead of letting it reveal itself. The entire part where Jim talks to himself is far too lengthy and unrealistic (the hero talk is just plain pathetic) - and the ending is extraordinarily sappy and melodramatic. Most importantly, by proofreading aloud you'll be able to hear how awkward the dialogue is and you should catch all of the grammar/punctuation mistakes.

Fix: "blonde" is female while "blond" is male, "nods her head no" to "shakes her head no", "as he walks away which he walks into a
lean hooded figure" - huh?, "like a scared child, to his car" - remove comma, "into the lobby part away from any silent" - do you mean "part way"?, "no ones gonna" to "no one's gonna", "showing whose boss" to "showing who's boss" and much more.

Comments Made After the Contest