Comments Made During the Contest

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Cute. I like the funny, cutesy spin on the romantic thing...nothing really extraordinary though but still, cute and likable.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Kids would have a blast filming this with all that helium intake!

I feel there is little payoff for the script. I don't feel like it's strong enough to stand on its own as it is. I think there might be some payoff if the children's expression of "love" were to provide the adults with a lesson of sorts. I'm not trying to rewrite this for you, but what if such a simple expression of love were to demonstrate to two feuding adults just how wonderful love can be...say that the two adults were Ethan's mum and dad, currently separated...just an example.

Anyhow, I think that the script has to mean and say something more than what it says now. At the moment, it's just a joke and a punchline, fun though it is.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Nice tight writing and good flow to the story. The character's need better description than just their ages. The story itself wasn't all that interesting to me. It seemed more like a couple kids clowning around than a love story though. (I don't think too many 6 year olds have the vaguest idea of what love is.) Overall, it was okay, but there was no climax and the punchline at the end didn't really have any kick to it. Not bad, not great. Nice effort.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I don't object to short screenplays, but something needs to happen in them. This would look (and sound) quite cute on screen but there is no depth to it. Nothing to get my teeth into. No conflict (yes the kids have a spat or two, but no conflict) No surprises.

I like simplicity, but this just goes TOO far. If reduced to one page it might have made a good entry for next month.

It's not really about 'Romantic Love' either - only the comment at the end.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Good use of the title.

This is very sweet. I like reflecting back on those moments when first love meant punching someone else on the arm. :)

I was confused at first though, because I thought they were siblings. You need to make it clear right away that they are not. Perhaps start with the two moms, move to the kids, and then go back to the moms. Also, I wish there was a bit more of an arc to the kids story.

Still, I really enjoyed this and it did remind me of younger days.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm very sorry to score this low because it looks as though you had a problem - - there is only a page and 1/2 of set-up for the rest of your story, which is missing.

It certainly seemed to be going somewhere.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I think this script has the opportunity to be really adorable, simply because little kids sucking on helium is hi-larious. Unfortunately, things started to drag for me early on: once you established the relationship between Ethan and Hanna in the first scene, the second was pretty much an exact copy. There needs to be some progression. Show another angle of their relationship...regardless of how immature it may be.

The ending was a nice surprise, but I just didn't feel HOOKED by it, you know? I think that this is a great concept. Really great. But it did feel too short to me (and I swear I'm not just saying that because it was three pages). The ending felt abrupt.

Maybe what I wanted was some sort of juxtaposition to adulthood...I don't know. A bigger hint at the punchline that's coming.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A delightful short. Good writing. Format was excellent. Would have liked to seen more plot. Writer captured the dialogue of children very effectively. Good job! Keep writing.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Yes, love can be a gas!

But love in this slice of life story is really short and very sweet. The childish banter seems plausible and in context and I liked Ethan saying to Hanna that she kisses her dog. The title and action fit together well. The trick voices using helium is a marvelous creative touch and would make this an amusing children’s short film.

If this is depicting what love is about then I must have missed some element that is really important, and I think Hanna’s mom did too.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great short script. The two kids remind me of numerous people who started off like that and are now in a relationship together. It's funny how love is so simple when one is so young. The helium played a great part in the script also, well done. The only reason I didn't give it a top notch is that there was enough space to futher the story a bit somehow. It was going great and maybe a nice scene in which Ethan does something nice in turn for Hanna would have been cool. Very well done!

Josh Crosson (Level 2)

A story of love and friendship between a young boy and girl, and the mother recognizing this. A cute story with funny dialogue. Good Job!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I must say I was pleasantly surprised by this simple little tale, dialogue-heavy as it is. I would have liked just a little more "love" and a little less namecalling, and perhaps a small conversation between the adults on how complicated adult life is. But that being said, Very Good.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Good start to a story. Needs more, though. It just stops abruptly as if you had reached the punchline of a joke rather than the climax of a story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is okay. It's technically well written. The dialogue is well written. The characters are okay.

The problem I'm having with this story is that it doesn't really do anything for me. It doesn't interest me or challenge me or stir me in any way. I'm not marking down for this opinion, because it's probably irrelevent.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Very cute. Loved the kids dialog. Sounded just like two 6 year olds would. As cute as it was, it didn't really feel like a story. But I did enjoy it so you get a GOOD from me.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You have captured the innocent conversation of young children very well, and neatly tied it into helium.

I would have liked to see more of the children's relationship before we cut to the parents. This would make what the moms said make more sense in context - there seems to be some back-story as to why they think love has gotten so much more complicated?

It could also be the opener to a longer film exploring the mothers' relationships, but I think this small moment could definitely be used in a larger scope.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

This ended very abruptly and at first I thought there might be a couple of pages missing. There’s very little story here, it’s more of an anecdote and it didn’t do much for me. I felt you could have had an extra scene or two developing the relationship between the two kids.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I kept scrolling down, wanting to read the rest, and then I noticed I’ve already reached the end; that’s both good and bad.

It’s good because I was so engaged with your writing that I wasn’t keeping track of the page count.

The problem is that the story felt incomplete... in some aspects.

As far as “theme” goes, it’s complete, and well crafted. You made your point pretty clear: things are so much easier when we are kids.

It’s the plot department that, IMHO, needs work. Besides these kids’ bickering, there’s hardly any conflict in this story. Hard to spot the dramatic through-line in here.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Good voices on the 6-year-olds, but I don't think 6-year-olds do helium balloons. The story could have used more conflict. Yes, kids who "like" each other can hit to express it, but beyond that I was looking for more conflict and a change to resolve it.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

My main issue with this script is that it does not really show the relationship of the characters. The two kids act like brother and sister and the mother's could be a lesbian couple for all I know. You see my problem here?

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

The story for me didnt seem to work at all. It seems more of a punchline then an actual story of itself. Also, it almost feels like the whole "love" theme was just thrown in there by having the mom tie it together at the end with one line. Also, there really is no build up in the story. I know with a 5 page limit its hard to do that, but honestly there is no need to care for these little kids. It just drifts along and then the mom ties it up at the end. What you could do is probably make the kids a bit older so they have more developed personalities, so its mroe relatable. Cause as it is its hard to relate "love" to very yound kids.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Short and sweet. The script is very simple, which coincides with your choice to present love as simple. However, I can't say that this would make for a very engaging film. I think you could have presented their love as simple but somehow showed it progressing over the course of the screenplay. Maybe they meet for the first time at the beginning and are very shy, then they get to know each other better, and then finally at the end we see them as they are presented here. This would have made the plot more interesting while still keeping with your theme of simplicity.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Short & sweet! Loved it, really thought you were going to head into the future with these two all grown up. Kinda hard to know if your dialogue is great as it was helium filled kiddie talk - I can't imagine how high pitched a 6 year old's voice would be on helium or any mums that would let them do that. But I liked it!

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Love it. You opened with the high-pitched voice talking through helium that I associate with helium. however, I would like some action lines inserted to show Ethan and Hanna inhaling more helium. right before the lines, "Stop repeating me."
when, Hanna says, "Mom! Ethan called me a poopie head." that is in clear voice, right?
for a moment, I thought the script would be all in helium-voice with each character repeating what the other says. That would have been fun. Not sure it would be a complete love story, but it would be funny.
I like your decision to write a love story in the early, kiddy style.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'll start with the good:

-The screenwriting is excellent with short, cropped action sentences. You observed all the mantras- "less is more," "lots of white space," etc.

The not so good:

It's two pages showing what 6 year-olds are doing right now in any supermarket or department store- Being kids.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Cute little story of silly, little teasing love. Oh those were the days, complex problems of now or simply teasing the one you love. Which I guess still works now that I'm 32 and it will always get a smile from my wife. The dialog made me laugh a couple of times and very vivid for the simplicity of the script.

If this was a three page script - or I guess a two page contest you would be the winner hand down. but I've read some good 5 pages this month and this doesn't really stack up to those. i thought maybe you'd go into the future and show them get married or something(even though that would have been typical and probably would've hurt your score simply because that has been overdone to death.) Wow that wasn't very helpful at all :)

Doo doo Head! :)

Good luck.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Initially I just saw this as two kids ribbing each other. Are they in love? Puppy love perhaps. Ethan offering Hanna the flower was very cute and maybe a clue to the love.

The short length made it difficult to imagine this working as a film. You introduce two characters. Who pretty much do the same thing in 2 scenes and in the third scene we have two other characters refer to these two.

The "Helium" is a device clearly shown being used for the balloons. But you never give us any clue to their backstory, their motivations, any problems they might face being playfully infatuated with each other.

I got a glimpse at a cute moment, nothing more, nothing less.

The script was well written technically, however the elements needed to turn this into a film don't really exist.

Elaborate this, bring in some movie muscle, Imagine how you'd see the same scene through a camera, you used sound quite cleverly with the helium voices now give them some actions that create conflict, tension drama.

You'll naturally get a resolution once you have those elements. Like I got for this review.

Script on!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very cute, I loved the ending. I think you could have expanded the story. A scene with Hanna and Ethan sharing a cupcake or something. You've got three more pages and I think you could have used them. However, it is a really fun script, and the ending really makes it all work.


Very nice use of the title. One of the better ones this month.

Title Very Good
Story Very Good
Characters Good
Concept Good
Dialogue Very Good

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Great simplistic story of unrequited love amongst mere children. Great use of the chemical helium. It's interesting to see that this is the image that came to your mind when compiling thoughts for this story. Great work.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Fun story. And I only gave it a good because it seemed very short. There was no conclusion to the conflict. Only a simple chase through the kitchen. Could this be rewritten with more arc? You have three more pages to show us a characters arc. And saying that, I was not sure who was the protag and who was the antag.

The flow in the story was the best. It was a fast read and not just because it was a short two pages. If you had five pages with the same flow and an arc you may have had a winning script.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was cute and pretty well written. It feels very empty though and could really use a bit more story to it.

Also, with the kids' ages, I don't think the final line rings quite true.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Good writing. It is a pity that the scene doesn't have a value change to counter balance Hannah's mom's last statement.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Jeez, I think something happened with the formatting of your script.
It only has two pages. Ending in "Ethan's mom laughs".
Its not even a story really, just the beginning of a scene.


Also I'm not really sure mothers would allow 6 year olds to be inhaling Helium over and over again.

I believe you should go back and use the extra 4 1/2 pages you had left to work with and develop a story.

Just my 2c

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

You should specify that Hanna and Ethan are just friends from the beginning. I was thinking they were brother/sister so the ending creeped me out. The writing and all was good but the storyline was just very empty.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This leaves me wanting to see more of Ethan and Hanna. I'd like to see them in a real conflict or some sort of situation that would show the underlying affection they have for one another, maybe even show brief contrasting emotions from their mom's marriages. There just seems to be some meat missing from this, and not because it's a two-pager. The dialogue was fun and realistic.

William Coleman (Level 5)

There is a sense of two kids cometing with each other that has a validity, but this is drastically underwritten. I see the germ of a very fine screplay in 1 and a half pages, but you could have done so much more with five. The dialog is lively, the action playful, the final observation apt, but so much more could have been show and said. I see your potential talent and your power of human observation, let it flow and develop.

Comments Made After the Contest