Comments Made During the Contest

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

I thought that story was horrible. I'm sorry, but it's just that I was liking it, the bedroom scene especially, up until you got all crazy with the chemistry. Ok, just because that's the name of this month's contest doesn't mean you have to advertise the hell out of it, it's wholly distracting and forced as hell. The whole rape scene was vaguely comedic and outlandish. Really? I mean come on. Just...I'm so disappointed right now.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written fine, paced well. The story itself felt a little forced. Basically, I felt like the moral here was a little heavy handed and it could have been better served with more subtlety. There were a few issues I had with the logistics of some of the details, for instance why would Randy be disgusted by a picture of two stuffed cats? Or how the heck could 3 guys and a girl fit in the backseat of a pickup truck? In all, a nice effort, but like I mentioned I think it could have been just as effective, if not more, if it was less in your face and more subtle.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great to have another lesbian story (two this contest) As I said on the other comments, I love to read about characters that are less often written about.

This was powerful, and great social commentary BUT perhaps it was because you were trying to cram too much in to too short a space - the scenes came one after another wham bam without proper linking - or that's how it felt to me. As though you'd thought 'must have sex scene, must have rape scene etc' and jammed them all in. I think the two things that bothered me most were the character of Allie - she didn't come to life compared to Kendra - yes she was meant to be passive, but not WRITTEN in a passive way - and most of all the ending which was a nothing ending.

The males were purely stereotypes - their characters, above all Randy's, needed development to make the whole thing balanced.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I truly love everything about this story except for the end.

Your characters are wonderful. The dialogue feels raw and authentic. You capture all the emotions and their subtext perfectly. Your images are haunting.

The rape however, feels out of place to me, especially in a 5 page short. It all happens so fast, that it has no weight to it. It takes away from a story about two girls in love and struggling to find their way in society. I think if you expand it, the rape could work, but it feels forced here.

Still, your craft is fantastic and I really loved this script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was very unusual, I stop short at calling it deviant. I'm not sure that the graphic visual of the two in bed enhanced what you were trying to say with this. And the end left me scrathing my head. Did they get married, or did the whole intolerance of lifestyle prevent a further relationship? Good characters, graphic visuals, fair story, fantastic dialogue. Definitely a crisp and tantalizing read, Good Job.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This script came off as very abrasive to me and I think this is why: with any script that has really strident language, and imagery, and violence, there has to be equal amounts of humor and love and "good" things to balance it out. (I think Pulp Fiction is a great example of this...that movie has every deviant behavior imaginable...but it is also HILARIOUS. For every "furious vengeance" there is a "royale with cheese", for every "Zed's dead" there are "blueberry pancakes."

In your script, the source for these good things, of course, has to be the relationship between the girls. But I'm afraid that Allie is just too weak of a character to carry the rest of the script you put around her. I see the brooding, pensive character you're going for. But I feel like she gets absolutely swept away by the rest of the script...and not in a dramatic "Death of Ophelia" kind of way, but in a "come on, show me something" kind of way.

And with all this said, you have the beginnings of a real heartbreaking tragedy here, you just need to let us get our hearts pumping first before you break them.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Page 3: "KENDRA'S MOM's voice comes from another room." This is not necessary as you have indicated O.S. in the dialogue.

Throughout the script are opportunities to write in a more active voice. Just looking for words that end in ING and editing those, can make a script read quicker. Here are a couple of examples:

Page 4: "Kendra starts running her hands over Allie’s body, gyrating her hips, kissing Allie between words." Consider: "Kendra runs her hands over Allie’s body and gyratesher hips. She kisses Allie between words."

Page 6: "Her ice cream is melting all over her hand." Consider: "Her ice cream melts all over her hand."

I am not comfortable with the subject matter. Despite this, the writer has a very good knowledge of screenplay format. My biggest suggestion would be to work on making your writing more active.

Keep writing!

Joel Davis (Level 5)

That was really well done. Hard to read, but only because it paints such a realistic picture. The characters were really well developed for such a short space, their personalties felt distinct and had depth.

I really don't have any advice for this one. The description could be trimmed a little but it doesn't need to be. Randy seems a little two-dimensional, which works fine in this context but if there were more space it would make it even stronger if we had some hint of what made him tick.

I couldn't tell whether Allie just knew what was coming because that's the way things are around here, or if she had something to do with it. It works either way, and that ambiguity is a strength, but I couldn't tell if it was intentional. Excellent work, and good use of the element.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Your script tackles a socially sensitive subject head on and dramatizes a splintered love relationship courageously. The gist of your dialog and long action lines have made the unspeakable almost too real and unbearable to witness.

I found most of those action lines too dense and uninviting to read. I think your story would be more script like if you broke them up into smaller bites.

In the same vein, I think much of Kendra’s dialog so thick that they were no longer conversational but are more like speeches. Again break them up into shorter conversational segments.

The title is perfectly glitzy and fitting for this brave performance.

John Ward (Level 3)

This was an interesting story. Formatting wise I think the margins are a little too large, but aside from that it was OK. I'm not sure about the ending. Is Allie really a lesbian, or is she just pretending? She certainly doesn't seem too bothered when her lover is dragged off in a truck - which suggests that she doesn't care. My personal opinion would be to cut the rape sequence at the end. It seems out of place compared to the rest of the material. Either lose it and replace it with something a bit more subtle, but still gets the point across, or start with the rape sequence and frame the story from that perspective. The jocks in the story are basically jerks, but there is nothing to indicate that they are capable/thinking about raping one of the girls. As I said, I think that if you want to keep this scene it might be better and more shocking to deal with it as the primary theme of the script, because I feel that its just in there for 'shock value' right now.

Jonathon Terry (Level 3)

I thought this short was very interesting.

You did a good job pulling me in from the beginning but I felt that the ending of the short was lacking. I did not really see this a love story between two people. For most of the short, Allie seemed ashamed of being a lesbian and even called what they are "fake."

I also do not understand why the boys raped Kendra. She is the butch female of the relationship. I think it would have been much more powerful if Allie was raped and Kendra stood there powerless. After all, Kendra should be the protecting one in the relationship.

I also think you should tone down the sex scenes (there were 2 or 3 in a 5 page short). This not only takes up some much needed extra space in your piece, but also takes me out of the story.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This script suffers from lack of a love story. It's more like a sad tale about the hardships faced by people with an alternative lifestyle. That's not this month's contest. There are several grammatical errors throughout, for example: 'Randy turns away and stalks away' should read 'Randy turns and walks away'. You should definitely do some proof reading. The title element and it's mention in conversation was good. Kendra's incident at the end shows why Allie acts the way she does, she must have gone through the experience herself. However, this further detracts the script from the contest's theme.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Haunting. Very deep. Great imagery.

I am intrigued by Allie and Kendra's relationship. I have so many questions, but I think that is a complement to your story telling. i want to know more! I'll be thinking about this one for a while.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Do 18-year-old boys really use the word "deviants" as an insult?... Page numbers in the upper right hand corner would help to orient me.... I didn't understand the picture of the two stuffed animal cats, unless it was just a punny play on word-sounds, in which case I really don't understand it as a social statement.

A huge plot problem is that Allie walks up out of nowhere, just happening upon the pick-up truck at the end. Far too improbable. I doubt she would have known in which sunny meadow to find three rapists and her signficant other.

Also, perhaps I'm just being too critical, but I couldn't find a true love element within the story. Allie seems too submissive to be in love, Kendra seems too dominating. They just seem like two confused teens, to me, desperately seeking their place in the world. That doesn't equate to a love story, though.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Points on for a non-traditional love story. However the zirconium, metals, gasses dialogue seems far out of place, given the blunt nature of the rest of the story. The story's tone seems to veer wildly, and while the kidnapping and rape may be symbolic of something like "Kendra's stuck in this shithole and will never escape," it seems unnecessarily crude and mean-spirited. This clashes with the sort of Kevin Smith sweetness of the girls' last visit to the mall with the fountain, ice cream, and photo on the library door. There is a lot of potential in this story, but you have to focus it. I think the story is better than "Fair" but not "Good" just yet. Since I can't go halfway, you get "Good."

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is an all around sad and hopeless story. The relationship between Kendra and Allie is very dominant-submissive and not what I'd consider love, but it makes a great character study. It's a really great character study, actually. Allie is so beaten down and oppressed. She's like a dog that's been kicked so often she's just waiting for the next boot. Kendra's pissed and pushy. She seems oblivious to the fact that she's manipulating Allie, too - that they aren't equals even in her own eyes.

I would have liked to see more of the boys' characters, but they were pretty well written, too. It would have to be a longer script to accommodate them more fully.

The overall feel is hopelessness. None of your characters has a chance of being anything but what they are. They're all beaten and stuck in their circumstances. This day is the same as every day of their lives. Everything that has ever been or ever will be.

This is well written, but I feel like I need a Prozac. No mark downs for that, though.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Yikes. Didn't quite feel the love in that "love story". Not cus it ended in violence but because I really didn't feel love between Kendra and Allie. Maybe Kendra was in love but I didn't feel anything from Allie. Was she even a lesbian? She said they were fake. What did that mean?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I don't want to be a prude or anything, but your script just left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not saying every ending has to be happy, but you could definitely be less bleak and stark in your bringing down of the audience's emotions.

I think it would also help the development of the characters if there were more moments like when Allie says "Because we're fake." showing the fragility of the relationship under such peer pressure and unacceptance. This would make the relationship more special that it has survived and the ending would be more heart-braking as a result.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Ouch, you didn't pull any punches here. It's a decent set-up but the sex and nudity and eventual rape is a bit too gratuitous. I think this could've used more subtlety. The story is pretty good, but I felt you could've told it with a little more restraint.

Decent effort.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This one will probably get varying reviews. I enjoyed it, the only problem I have is the dialog they have about the "Noble gases". I understand the relevance, it just feels forced to me. I like how you attempted to tie everything in with the theme, but again, I just couldn't buy into it. Aside from that, the characters are well done, and they seem very different from each other.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Well done. This should place - if it doesn't I will be very surprised. There is one thing I would do to change this, I would replace the word cunt with the word pussy. It would give the picture on the library door so much more meaning.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

For me I think the ending really needs to be reworked because as it is a brutal ending it just rubbed me the wrong way I guess. Obviously through out the piece your rooting for the girls to obivously get pay back on Randy and his friends, obviously it goes another way. I dont know cause for a 5 pager endings like these are alot more effective if you spend more time with the characters and get to know them better. I was just left kind of scratching my head at the end of this. Also, at the end you might want to have Allie fighting the boys more cause it just comes off that she doesn't care about what happened to Kendra that much

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Yowza! That's some hard hitting story. Very tough indeed.

Why is Allie so depressed?
Why does she think they're fake?
Why does she do nothing to help Kendra?

A script that posed a lot of questions for me but that didn't detract from the story or the quality of writing. I find Allie fascinating because you set up so many questions about her.

And Kendra is a great contrast - ah. I think maybe I'm getting it now - has Allie been raped???

Very strong script, am I missing something vital though??

Well done.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

an experimental story? I'll need to defer comments to the other reviewers. I just don't know what to make of this. a little too explicit for my tastes. You had me fearing for what picture would be posted on the library door. you hooked me right into thinking what I would see. then, I was disappointed to see a photo of two cats. that image doesn't match the fore-shadowed exposition.
the rape scene was totally unexpected. It wasn't believable. I didn't get any physical evidence that Randy and his friends would treat Kendra as anything other than one of the boys. they had nothing to prove by raping her. in fact, the rape would send a message that they were possibly into guys. I expect they would be more likely to kick her ass than participate in sexual activity.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Not quite sure I understand the final scene. Did Allie set Kendra up for Randy and his derelict friends to rape her? God, I hope not.

The commercial viability is questionable, at a minimum. Don't know if any director/producer is gonna touch a story with two naked, 17 year-old lesbians groping on a bed, then concluding with the rape of one of them.

Lot of dialogue, some is shocking ("cunt"), while some is a bit awkward (the zirconium convo).

Good screenwriting, formatted correctly, easy to read, visualize and follow. Didn't detect any typos.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Seemed like it was good until it got to the ending. It came up to quick. Loving and somewhat happy to dark and raping going on. It was like this had two parts Act1 and Act2. But then it just ends with a reference to a line the girl had said earlier.

I did like the shocking vulgarity of the ladies language and most of the dialog.

Format wise this was pretty well done, i didn't see anything wrong.

good luck to you this month!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was quite powerful with the images and being lovers that most people think is outside the norm works quite well.

Their lesbian relationship needs more of an explanation for the setting as well. I mean this is small town America but how did they still end up meeting?

The rape is treated a bit matter of factly and got over with too soon as if you were uncomfortable with it too. And throwing her off in front of Allie seems abrupt. We need some breathing room after the first powerful event and then have the other.

This is where, I think the five page limit actually hurt you a bit and brings this down a few notches.

For the re-write you have no such limit. I wanna see more scenes like the well written bedroom foreplay dialog. That was winner.

Fine script-writing hurt by the page limit but you have a knack for original characters and dialog. Nice.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I have to admit the language was too coarse for me. That word is something that I hate. It demeans women, and it would be bleeped out anyway, so why have it in. Your characters are so hardened. Kendra so stereotypical that it's hard to take. Allie just so bland and uncaring, zoned out.

What's to root for here?

The rape scene comes out of nowhere and isn't believable at all. This is the first poor I've given in any script on MP. I just really didn't like it at all.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

There is a lot going on in the story and I think it's underserved by being told in the five pages you have here. You open up a lot of side stories that you don't pursue, the relationship with Kendra and her mom, the obsession with the librarian and the library, why Allie is so passive and obviously not into the relationship. Even the plot with Randy is not fully dealt with. I would expand it or focus on one of the stories and tell it more thoroughly.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Whoa. It's not often that I'm thoroughly aroused when reading sex scenes. I had to take a breather as soon as I finished this one.

This story was pretty graphic, but there's nothing wrong with being graphic, if it's done in a stylish, tasteful way. Some people may be offended by the language, the lesbianics and the rape, but I feel they make this story more real. These things actually happen. People actually feel and act this way. Allie's indifference was just the nail in the coffin, as foreshadowed by her "fake" statement, that maybe, just maybe, she's not fully into this; it's just a phase.

I like where your head's at.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Wow, pretty heavy stuff here. I read this twice just because I felt the subject matter called for it. Here's my thoughts;

Your characterization was really good, really just for the two main characters, but as they are the only real players in this then that is fine. I would have liked a little more from Allie, just she seemed so pessimistic and lost, that I wanted to know what happened to her. It was such a sad ending with Kendra having her spirit killed...brutal ending really, but that's what you went for so who am I to complain?

I have to say that this is a very honest and true story and I have to give you top marks for it. Even though it was a pretty tough read, based on the content, but was really skilfully executed.

Great job!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Interesting theme, and I'd give it a point for taking on timely subject matter.

I had a hard time connecting with any of the characters. Randy seemed cartoonish, and Kendra unlikeable. And I never did understand Allie's complete detachment.

Edit Kendra's dialog(orange jello? cunts? this must be written by a man). The love/sex scene lacked emotional involvement or passion for either Kendra or Allie.

Likewise the rape scene didn't convey the horror it rightly deserved, make me care more about Kendra.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

It is a good story from all the angles. I would just like to point out, at the risk of being labeled "anal retentive", that the camera would not be able to shoot someone's tonge going down someone else's throat - very vivid but impossible take, I'm affraid.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

This was interesting, but I didn’t sense any real character arc. Kendra was no different that she was at the beginning, while Allie, if anything, becomes even shallower. I sensed that perhaps Allie was previously raped by Randy and his gang? If so, there needs to be some exposition, maybe something about not messing with Randy, or maybe how Randy used the word “cunt.” BTW, I was at first offended by the use of the c-word, but then found Allie’s aversion to it and Kendra’s use of it in a sexual way a very effective part of the story. I liked that you were able to successfully weave the title into the story; good job. Overall, I like your writing style and I think there is a lot of potential here.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Cool, a lesbian story, was waiting for at least one Gay story this month, congrats on being *the* one.

Whoa.. okay this story is starting to offend my sensibilities now... j/k.

Extra point for using the elements in the title and the script, something that some writers this month
just didn't pull off.

I like the way Allie didn't seem to react to anything, it was a nice character portrait, but to play the devils advocate
it didn't allow for a display of mutual love.

Kendra, what can you say, its a sad but true story. I little bit of Buys don't cry in there.
I was hoping that there was some kind of finality at the end of the story, like... I don't know.
They went t back and took that Orange Jello Bath, it seemed abrupt.

But most importantly this story DID make me feel something, so I have to give it more points for that.

Good slice-of-life story!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

The story kinda felt like it wasn't going anywhere for most of it. The discussion over noble gases and transition metals felt pretty awkward for a couple of teenagers to have.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I hope other readers of this will be able to get past its harshness and see the innocence of it. Two girls talking the talk, but not walking the walk. They didn't rob the liquor store and put innapropriate pics on the library door. You have a talent for writing very raw, genuine material. Too many characters today have a lack of flaws and depth; Allie and Kendra have plenty of that. Fine job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

There are many elements of this story that I like -- a lot. It's rather dark, sad, graphic and disturbing. I think you have some winning images and 'punch-to-the-stomach' moments that resonate, especially within the contrast of Allie and Kendra.

I think it needs to be cleaned up a bit -- would Randy, the county bumpkin say, "deviants"? I don't think he's that bright. The treatment in the pickup would be more believable if there was a hint of them getting away with it. Maybe Randy's father is the town sheriff or some level of authority.

Could Randy get back at Kendra by instead choosing her love, Allie? Just a thought.

Interesting work.

William Coleman (Level 5)

Your script packed a punch. The structure was simple: two people love each other, one still is dealing with her sexuality, homophobic guys threaten, then violence happens. It works. As a male you took me into a new world. If I have a qualification, I think your script would affect more people if you showed this love to be less profane and hard-boiled. I also think their sex scene could be truly beautiful - not the usual male turn on sort of thing, but loving and gentle. The more we like this couple, the more we care for them, and the more we care the greater the impact of your script.

If your characters were just like us - except for their sexuality - we'd sympathize and say, "What's wrong with this? Nothing. These are two human beings in love, and they deserve to stay in love."

Then homophobia creates tragedy. The rape violence is baldly stated. You leave it to the director, and I think that is right.

What was really good was the ring. Props in film can be so powerful in close-ups and as they move through the script.

Comments Made After the Contest

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 12:29 AM

Great script, William. Very surprised this didn't place. I guess the Allie character hurt the script a little too much.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 12:50 AM

Nicely done, William. This was one of my favourites this month.

William Dunbar (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 5:50 AM

Thanks for the comments and thanks to everyone who reviewed it. I wasn't surprised by the range of the reviews. This was sort of a funny one to write (not "ha-ha funny"). Anyway, one of my goals every month is to get both poors and excellents. Then I feel like I've done my job. So I'm glad I got more excellents than poors. I'm thinking about doing a little longer rewrite of this, but I don't quite have my head around it yet. I'll be sure to post it if I do. Thanks again!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2008 7:52 AM

Great story. I hope you do pursue the longer version.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2008 3:08 PM

This one really stayed with me after reading it and it's been interesting to read others' comments. It was very powerful and raw.

Also for those who dislike 'that' word so much it actually comes from ancient Babylonia and was a form of clay writing with a wedge called 'cunieform', only the highest priestesses were allowed to write out texts in this manner and so 'that' word was actually high praise indeed... back in the day!

Ashley Croft (Level 3) ~ 12/2/2008 6:41 PM

For me the ending just liked murdered it for me, because like the first half was absolutely brilliant. I'm talking good stuff man but just the last part felt too lifetime original movie for me in some ways...i don't know how else to describe it.

William Dunbar (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2008 7:13 PM

Thanks for the comments.

MJ I like the explanation, but I'd have to advise against using that word around women and then saying it's OK because it comes from cunieform. I just can't see a lot of women buying that ;)

Ashley, thanks for the review and comment. If you have a moment, I'd really appreciate if you could give a little more detail about exactly why the ending bothered you so much. The rape scene was not supposed to be like anything from a Lifetime movie, and it certainly wasn't intended to be "comedic."

FYI the idea was that Randy was disgusted by Kendra's sexuality, and his use of sexuality as a weapon of violence against her was the ultimate degredation (worse than just beating her up or something), and the one thing that would completely destroy her spirit rather than just making her more defiant. If that wasn't clear, I'd really appreciate if you (or anyone who reads this) had any idea why not, or even any advice. Thanks again!

Neal Barringer (Level 0) ~ 12/2/2008 9:53 PM

I think Randy being disgusted by Kendra's sexuality and using sex as a weapon of violence is contradictory. if Randy is that disgusted, he (to be blunt) won't be able to "get it up." maybe Randy's character not being fully exposed is what hurt the understanding of the rape scene.

also, my objection to the word you chose to use in the script is just that it doesn't match the image that was posted on the library door. there's another word that would fit that image perfectly. do I dare type it or can you figure it out...

William Dunbar (Level 5) ~ 6/8/2009 7:36 AM

Rewrite is up. It's a little longer and has a little more of what I wanted to put in the original. And I hope I fixed some of the problems. Thanks everyone for advice!

Warning: It still contains the "C" word, and the "F" word several times. If you're going to be offended, maybe just don't read it. I think it's important to the piece.

Of course, any comments or criticism will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Joel Davis (Level 5) ~ 6/9/2009 4:33 PM

I read this yesterday and was like -- hmm, doesn't seem like much changed. And only now I realized that I didn't click the "rewrite" link. Doh!

This version is much improved (and I liked the original). Really good stuff, esp. like making Kendra a chemisty geek, that really ties in the title more. The locker room scene was a good addition, too. Great stuff, this version really strengthened the characterizations a lot, and I noticed a lot more specific detail.

I suggest keep adding to it. The ending didn't really feel like an ending. It didn't give you a sense of closure to their relationship (good or bad), just more of a harsh wake-up-call. I'd like to see more scenes following that to show what effect that had on their relationship and personality, and how the experience changed them both.

William Dunbar (Level 5) ~ 6/11/2009 3:02 AM

Thanks for the comment, Joel (and the props). I'll think about the end. It may only take one little scene to show what you want to see, and it could add a little balance to the longer beginning. I'll see what I come up with. Thanks again.