Comments Made During the Contest
Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)
I like where you're going with this, but I don't know that you are there just yet...I'm not quite willing to suspend my disbelief. I think that I need a little more from the characters involved. Maybe some subtext in the things that Brian says, some hints as to why he's going to kill himself. Is it his nature to take control of situations at all costs? Has he been in pain? Is there anyone else in his life that he has to consider? Does he do so? Not that all of these need to be answered, but if you could hint at one or two, that would help pull me in.Also, what is the significance of the elderly man in the graveyard? How is he connected to Brian? I actually think that I could let go of how impossible it is for Brian to sky dive into an open grave if there was a bit more of the characters coming through the page. In that way, the suicide could read almost as a metaphor of some kind even though it's a literal event. Without a little more poetry (maybe more imagery in the script: the grave being dug? Brain doing whatever it is that he needs to do to prepare?), for lack of a better word, in the rest of the script, it falls a little flat for me as is.
Ali Barr (Level 4)
That is awesome! You executed a full story and had me engaged the whole time. I liked the character, the delivery and presentation and the reveal at the end. Very very good. In fact I gave it and Excellent. Well done.
Ammar Salmi (Level 5)
What cute story. I loved the way you told it. revealing facts inch by inch.Good luck
Bill Delehanty (Level 4)
The first half looked like it was setting up for something hilarious at the end, but then it turned into something else. It took a funny moment and downplayed it. Maybe you didn't realize with that title, the parachute, and the grave, thats all you really needed.
Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)
Fun. That's the first thought I have, but then I feel bad for thinking that because it's about someone dying. But it was still fun.Nice title, great reactions from the characters. Going back and showing that he was going to die anyway isn't the most original (I know from experience, see my Reverse script) but the overall concept with skydiving was great.
Brian Wind (Level 5)
This was pretty clever. Well written and paced and a bit absurd, all of which are good. Nothing I really noticed wrong with this one. Good job.
Bryan Mora (Level 4)
I read this a few times to make sure my review wouldn't be harsh. But, really, what was the point of this?I know the guy is pushing himself and doing things to fulfill himself before he passes. But there was no emotion, no uumph in this for me. The title doesn't seeme relevant except for the small piece of dialogue at the end. All in all i'd say there are a lot of things that need fixing.I did like your beginning but halfway through i was dissapointed.
Calvin Peat (Level 4)
This is an amusing script. It's perhaps a little too flippant, but at least it's not the slightest bit grim or depressing, which it could have been given the subject matter. Also, it maintains a consistent tone throughout.The first "Hooooo-Rahhhhhhh!" has one more "h" than the second. However, aside from that, the spelling and grammar seem to be fine.
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
I like the 'hole in one' idea and this was lively and interesting.Who was the old man though? It seemed he was no relation, yet he was a paratrooper. Did Brian die? If so, the crisp salute seems an inappropriate reaction. Surely Brian would have ried out if he had hit the ground?This was pacey, and told a story and I liked the terse wit of the last line.
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)
Excellent job. Great little story in one page.One problem I had was the doctor giving him 8 weeks, more or less, and his not taking the plunge until 12 weeks (3 months) later. Other than that, thought you did great.
Chris Keaton (Level 5)
Hah, hah, hah, You got me laughing on that one. Brilliant work for a one pager. Your writings tight and the punch was great. I would recomend spelling out numbers in dialog, but other than that. Great Job!
Chris Messineo (Founder)
I love it.Great craft, wonderful details, good character, and perfect one page story. Fantastic reveal.Simply excellent.
Dan Lennox (Level 5)
I thought this was an Excellent job! Well done through and through, and your ending was flawless. Nothing more to say on this one, except I will be dissapointed if this one doesn't make it into the top 3.Great Job!
David Birch (Level 5)
covered the story arc well, especially for only being given a page to accomplish it...i'm not sure about brian being so "glib" about his condition, but that is a choice you get to make as the writer...the only thing missing was bill murray proclaiming "it's in the hole!!"...good going...
David D. DeBord (Level 5)
I like the beginning and the end, but not so much the middle. Why? I wish you hadn’t told me all the details of the “8 weeks to live” story. The fall, the landing in the grave, and the comment from Brian about the hole in one, all work for me. Trust your audience to fill in some of the details, give them something to think about.
Elias Farnum (Level 5)
Dark comedy - Excellent! Well written with crisp visuals and a great use of the flashback to deliver the punchline. I think a different title would work better though, hole in one made me expect something to do with golf - - Drop Zone?
Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)
I smiled at the end of this one. What a wonderful job! Keep writing.
Graham Trelfer (Level 4)
I like the idea, but just think it explains itself to much. I want the last image to be the man falling in grave, taking it back to the doctors is not such a good out. Maybe swap those two scenes around. You also need to paint Brian's future as much grimmer. Some people might battle such a prognosis, especially a fighter. This could be done by showing Brian as much weaker while he is in the doctors office. Having him thin, pale, in with hospital robe on, even a drip in his arm while his uniform hangs on the door would be a much better justification for him do make such a daring jump. Play around with the scenes some more, maybe also see him just before he jumps where his motives are questioned. Perhaps play the funeral as the funeral so you think he is in the grave before he suddenly lands in there. There is a risk of this being hilarious, so you need to watch out for that as well.
Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)
After 61 scripts and a whole lot of fair scripts I never thought I'd read another execellent script again. Your story was Grrreaaat. Well thought out and in a way completely wacky.Overall, a quick & easy read that meets the one page challenge like a Hole In One.All the best.
Jim Brown (Level 3)
I really like this script. It has a great beginning; you tell the story in a clean, simple way; you have striking visuals; and the characters are fun, and noble at the same time.The one problem I have with it is, the flashback to the doctor's office is a letdown after the energy of Brian's landing and the salute.Why not insert the flashback right after the elderly man looks up? That way, the payoffisn't just the words "hole in one", it's the sight of him making the hole in one. And you end with the image of the salute, which is a great image.
Joel Davis (Level 5)
Hahaha... That was hilarious. A "dark comedy" that's actually both dark and funny. I LOVE the reaction of the man at the grave, that just makes the whole thing work. Bravo.
John Brooke (Level 5)
Macabre, now there’s a word I’ve been itching to use for weeks, and you got it with this script. Wow! I would have preferred seeing a Flashback indication when we zip to Brian in the hospital getting his terminal bad news.Nice concept equating the chances of hitting that open grave dead on. Definitely you’ve scored a hole-in-one with your end of life short film. No question your title is spot on for this script.
Jon Hill (Level 4)
Very amusing ending. Some nit picking:“elderly man” should be capitalized as it’s a person.I’d expand the conversation at the end slightly. Brian seems a little too accepting of his death, switching quickly from shock to “Hey, you every played golf?” a little too quickly. Perhaps an extra few lines of dialogue to space things out a bit.
Jorge Swaby (Level 2)
Its pretty nice, I like the story, the end is nice because of the beginning so a great a script.
Jose Batista (Level 5)
What a way to go out. The paratrooper died doing what he liked best. I enjoyed this script except for the part of the hole in one. This was a comedic element and while it was funny, it just didn’t fit in well with the paratrooper’s unfortunate fate. I don’t even think it humanly possible to accurately perform a stunt like that. The trooper did take it well when he received the news, and it does seem like his idea of going down and out would be ideal for someone with his skill. The writing was good, both dialogue and description were written well and there is nothing else wrong with this script. Very imaginative. Good Job.
Kathy Thomas (Level 3)
I like this story it was cute. For a one page script it tells an interesting story. It is also well written. Good job.
Kirk White (Level 5)
I think it's a good idea...but it just doesn't work for me. I don't think it unfolds well at all...perhaps there is a way to intercut the reveal with the action? I'm not sure. It is just really anitclimactic to have the body hit the grave and THEN go back for a hospital bed scene.
Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)
Thanks for defining "altimeter". I'm serious, I appreciated it.What are the chances that a free-faller would land directly in an open grave? Couldn't buy it. And I know that's the punchline. You can steer better with a parachute. If he'd wanted a parachute, that is. Actually, that begs the question: Why did he look at his altimeter? Why does he care? He knows he's going straight into the ground. The only reason to look at an altimeter is to know when to pop the chute. Right?CT scanner displays are not colorful. They're black and white. They can be color-filled later should the doc want that. Most don't.Didn't buy the veteran saluting, sorry.Even with all that, I still enjoyed it and I think it deserves a Very Good!
Lewayne White (Level 4)
Excellent.I know a couple guys who were Airborne, who'd consider doing something like that.Fun story.
Margaret Ricke (Level 5)
This is one of two that I saved for last. I really like this, but something about it has bothered me and I wasn't sure shat it was until now...The only flaw that I can find with this is the timeline. Brian is told that he only has two months to live and the next scene is three months later. He isn't described as sickly in the beginning, so there's no reason for me as a reader to think of him as ill until the end. From all too personal experience I know that you don't go out and kill yourself if you survive longer than the doctor gave you to live, especially if you're surviving healthy. This is such a minor flaw, though, and so easily fixed in a little bit longer rewrite. Just describe his face at the onset. Maybe shorten the time he has to live.You already know that your formatting is good. The dialogue is good. I love Brian, his determination to live and die on his own terms. If you do a longer rewrite you might want to go into a bit more visual exposition on the gravedigger. I don't know how you'd film this, but I'd love to see it if you do.Very good work.
Marla Brecheen (Level 4)
Nice written visuals and the pacing is good. I like how he went out. He definitely made a hole in one there in his own grave. At first I thought maybe he just wanted to show up in an unusual way, but the ending explained what he was going through. Well written. Good job.
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)
I'm not sure what to make of this. I didn't have a good feeling after reading it, I'll tell you that. I'm not sure if it would even be possible to aim for a hole that size coming down that fast. And why was his grave already dug? It's all pretty unbelievable.Sorry. The writing was good but the story itself didn't do much for me.
Martin Jensen (Level 5)
I'm sorry, but that is the dumbest way anyone could ever kill themselves. It would be really painful and messy. There are much better ways to commit suicide, even is you are in the parachute regiment. I'm also pretty sure the parachute regiment wouldn't go along with something like this. As well as that, I just couldn't get why Brian was so flippant about his own death, even up to the end. It just didn't make any sense, and I don't even care who Nora is. I don't know... maybe it would work better if he was given an anesthetic, so he was completely numb when he landed, or had a heart attack mid-air. Still can't get that out of my mind.
Martin Lancaster (Level 4)
Excellent. What a fantastic idea. No criticisms other than the title is a potential spoiler. Great stuff.
Matt Johnson (Level 3)
I enjoyed this one. It leaves you thinking, well hey, you never know. And maybe I'm trying to make something out of nothing but the dialogue with the doctor I think was meant to mean "hey, nobody's perfect and maybe Doc is wrong". I thought that was really written well and I it made the title connect with the story extremely well. But how Brian left his death to his decision rather than chance, I really liked the idea of a character taking life into his own hands. There is some sort of hidden meaning there, maybe I'll think of it. I got nothing to really nitpick at, so great job.
Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)
Nice twist. Well done. Enjoyed it.
Michael Rome (Level 4)
I liked the black humour. You got a lot into one page.Good job.
Mike Dominguez (Level 3)
I chuckled. I think you made it work despite some serious logistical questions because you kept the same tone throughout the script. Good work.
MJ Hermanny (Level 5)
Great script. This is very humerous despite the subject matter - the thud of Brian landing in the freshly dug grave really had me chuckling while at the same time gasping with shock and a desire to know what had gone wrong.A very simple idea and beautifully written. A hole in one indeed - great title. The pace is excellent, can feally feel his freefall and the character's exuberance for life, confirmed in the Doctor's surgery with his hole in one comment.Thoroughly enjoyed this.
Neal Barringer (Level 0)
well, the title alone presented a story even before I read the one-pager. hopefully, you won't give me what I'm expecting, a hole-in-one as in golf. instead, you'll write something satisfying and unexpected. I hope.Myth Busters has already proved that conversations at 5,000' cannot be heard. therefore, it is unbelievable that a man on the ground would hear a skydiver say, "hooo-raaah."I think there's more to your vision than what got written on the page. I get a sense that the elderly man knows the skydiver's plight, but I'm not sure. anyway, since this is a one-page script, that gives me the liberty to interject my own conclusions. so, I will do that.overall, you did deliver an unexpected ending that fit the expectation of the title.
Paul Williams (Level 5)
I don't know...the tone is a little off for me. I smiled at images that I believe were suppose to make me smile, but I felt guilty for doing that.The thought of a young man, a military man, no less, given a diagnoses of eight weeks to live is depressing.The zany sight of a man hurling in the air towards the earth at terminal velocity, then landing into his pre-dug grave with an old codger saluting him is hysterical.The marriage of these two didn't work for me.The screenwriting is very good with short action sentences, no large, black blocks of narrative. Format appears fine. Only detected a few minor typos.
Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)
This is a good idea and you have written it well. I'm not sure the title is a good idea because it is such a strong association with golf. I'm also not sure about having the flashback scene on the end. I can see how it works but I guess it feels like a mundane kind of thing to have on the end of a guy skydiving straight into his grave! Perhaps it could be done linearly or intertwined.
Pia Cook (Level 5)
My third Very Good this month.A simple story that had three acts and said a lot. A little too lucky perhaps ending up in a newly dug grave, but still I thought it was well done.Congrats and hope you do well this month. :-)
Raymond Belair (Level 3)
I've definately never seen this done before! For maximum "impact" consider moving the flashback to right after the old man looks up and sees Brian falling earthward, then the final image of Brian scoring his hole in one. The most dramatic element comes in the middle, and the flashback has to then explain what we just saw. It's like having to explain a joke after you've delivered the punchline - it always ruins the joke.Well written and definately unique. Good luck.
Rick Hansberry (Moderator)
This was great. A complete story with a unique take. I could instantly get into the story -- great job by starting at 5,000 feet! The cemetary I thought was forseshadowing something goofy and I thought you might be going for a crushing blow on the elderly man. My favorite part was the closing scene. It provides closure as well as our character's motivation. This is easily one of the best scripts in the contest and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I honestly can't suggest anything to make it better. Good luck.
Rustom Irani (Moderator)
The scene in the cemetery with the old man not really playing any part in the plot threw me off a bit. And throwing me off in a single page story counts a lot towards the score I'll give you.The idea was quite original and fresh and the execution was cinematic.How could you foreshadow that he had a grave dug and selected for himself? How did he plan this final jump? How much did he really enjoy being a para -trooper?I think you more or less answered that last question of mine. The first two need to be explained a bit.Enjoyable but not quite.
Sally Meyer (Moderator)
I thought this was a really fun unique script. You get good marks for originality. Of course it's so completely unbelievable, but still I really liked it.Good concept and good title, and just a fun story.
Sasha Clancy (Level 4)
Clever. I enjoyed reading this one a lot. I like the way you introduce the character and build up the story. I like the twist on the hole in one. I wonder what pilot was willing to risk losing his license and drop him in a place that isn't a jump zone (unless the cemetary is one, that'd be strange but I guess possible). Having him at the doctor in his medals is very Hollywood but not very real. It gets the information you want across quickly so it works in such a short story. But, in a longer story, I think you should make it more realistic.
Scott Merrow (Level 5)
Very nicely done. And very funny (in a sad sort of way). Like a one-minute episode of The Twilight Zone (one of the funny episodes). The dialogue is good, the action flows smoothly. Most important -- it tells a complete story in one page. No real negative criticisms. Great job! A fun read.
Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)
I liked it but then I got confused by the end. It had a little comic touch to it in the beginning which I loved but then it all went haywire. I'm sorry but I couldn't grasp the concept of a hole in one. I am presuming that the 8 weeks he has he will try scoring a hole in one in golf. I think I am a little confused at the ending part. I liked the flow in the beginning. The way you described his actions and reactions in ways. that was commendable considering that you are writing a one pager.A mistake that I found which is not a huge one but I will still point at it. Capatlizing characters should only be done when they are being introduced for the first time. After that its going to be like everything else. It may be a typo. I don't know.
Shane Shearer (Level 4)
Not bad. I dig the concept of a hole in one. Was wondering what golf had to do with a dude skydiving and shouting HOORAH. Would have been radical if his entire funeral service had been this skydive. then they could have put the casket in the hole and the lid would have snapped shut once his body impacted the casket. Pretty wicked, huh? The dirt would have been thrown on the casket, the 21 guns salute fired and the roses dropped set on the headstone. All immediately after the body fell to earth. Would have been quite a memorable way to go for this fiesty ball of man.
Spencer McDonald (Level 4)
With no hope left Brian shoots a hole in one. Great story in one page.You do a good job tying us to the character in the air and the character in the cemetary. I don't have much to suggest for improvement with your story. I could see this getting shot fairly easily and with little budget.If I had a suggestion it might revolve around this piece of description:"DOCTOR looks intently at the large, colorful display of a CTscanner."Is the Doctor looking at the scanner or a picture of a CT scan from Brian. I think he's look at a CT scan.Anyway, I give this an excellent.
Stephen Brown (Level 5)
Not a very good bedside manner from the doctor. A little blunt but with a page to work with I'll let you off.I don't really see how the two parts of this story tie in together. So he's started sky-diving because he has 8 weeks to live, but why the hole-in-one question? That confused me. I know him falling into the grave is a bit like a hole in one, but it isn't really.Might be a message in here but I missed it.
Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)
EXCELLENT. Good story well told, clear and to the point, pulled me right in from the beginning. Strong characterization and imagery. And you got it all in one page - bravo.
Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)
Very refined sense of dark humor. I don't whether to laugh or not! But the truth is that without the humor the story would have nothing. Good job. There are only two details I'd point: I'd say that everyone knows that a wrist mounted altimeter resembles a watch, so there's no need to point it out; and not everyone knows what three rows of ribbons on a uniform means.
Tim Westland (Moderator)
Wow - two Very Good's in a row. Wow Wow.I liked this a great deal. You have a flair and it all felt real.And I always like stories where people take control of what is, inherently, an uncontrollable situation.Well done.
Tommy Merry (Level 4)
Hee Hee,for me, the story was over after "...below his American Legion cap with a paratrooper emblem on the side. "I don't think it needed anymore. It kind of reminded me of something you would have seen in Mad comicsin the late 60s or 70's.I read it again, yup I'm sure of it, just after the old-timer saluted = The EndI think it made for a better laugh, and we can all assume why he did this, add that to theTitle and you have your story ;-)Good short.
Travis DeStein (Level 5)
This was perfectly hilarious. Although it did seem awkward with him being so eager once he found out he was dying.
Wes Worthing (Level 5)
Well, apparently Brian didn't feel like waiting 8 months and wanted to go out with a bang. I was not expecting him to land where he did; and even more surprised that he did it on purpose! This was a fun read. I'm wondering if this wouldn't have a bigger impact in a linear fashion. That might make it more predictable, but the ending may have a bigger reaction. Just a thought.
William Coleman (Level 5)
You have compacted a strong story onto your allotted page. That first image of the skydiver (Brian) would be stunning on film. I wish the Elderly Man was tied in a little better. Why would he salute when a man drops out of the sky into a grave? Could he be waiting? Just some questions. I doubt that you could have squeezed much more into your page. Anyway, it strikes me as a loose end, but not a critical one. Your writing is crisp, your descriptions made me see the film, which is what a filmscript is all about. I like telling your story in reverse. It would have been melodramatic the other way around. As it is, I am puzzled by the apparent suicide from the sky.Good work.
William D. Prystauk (Level 5)
I like the idea, but the Legionnaire saluting the paratrooper as he kills himself is just a bad kind of weird - and a little hokey. The story did have great pace and you certainly supplied a beginning, middle and end, but if you rework that middle, this will be solid.
William Dunbar (Level 5)
OK, this was pretty cute. Predictable, but at least it's short. You could probably even lose some details, as few as they are. Reality-wise, it's a little strange that he's even able to skydive and do somersaults a week before dying of cancer. Not bad overall.
William Flink (Level 3)
Loved the fact that Brian landed in an open grave, that was funny, though a bit sad. A good first scene which gets my attention right away. I imagine the first scene could be very interesting visually together with the graveyard. I get the feeling that the elderly man is infact Brian if he had lived, there's the emblem on both of them. Nicely done
Comments Made After the Contest
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2009 12:21 AM
Congratulations. What a fantastic first entry at MoviePoet. I hope we get to read more of your stories.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 1/1/2009 1:34 AM
Congrats!!! Especially on your first entry. I love that we are getting more and more wonderful writers on MP
Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 3:06 AM
Congrats, Eric. I was wondering, are you in the military?
Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 4:16 AM
This was great, Eric. I'm happy it placed.
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/1/2009 12:11 PM
Excellent job, loved it. Can't wait to read more.
Eric June (Level 1) ~ 1/1/2009 12:56 PM
Wow, I am greatly surprised and highly honored that I managed to place in this contest. There were so many outstanding entries by obviously talented writers. Congratulations to Travis for finishing first, and to all the entrants for creating a wealth of great stories!My inspiration for Hole In One was threefold:1) I’m a hang glider pilot, and my friends and I often say that when it’s our time to leave this earth, we hope we leave it while doing something we love (flying). Around the campfire with beers in hand, we’ve jokingly talked about what we would do if diagnosed with a terminal disease: take one last flight, thermal up to cloud base, then cut loose from our glider and try our best to hit some kind of target on the ground. 2) The son of one of my best friends was seriously wounded in Iraq, by an IED explosion, a few months ago. I wanted to honor his service and the service of other veterans.3) The ScriptFest III contest was going on over at DVXUser.com at the same time as this one. The required genre for that contest was pulp fiction. I came up with an idea for a pulpy WW II story ("X-Elixir") with this logline: "Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination". These three things combined together inspired me to write the pulpy, surreal, over-the-top vignette that you all read. I thought Tommy characterized it well: "It kind of reminded me of something you would have seen in Mad comics in the late 60s or 70's". :-)Thanks to everyone for all the comments! Here are some answers to the most common questions and themes:I agree, the story would have had more punch if the final scene had been the one at the cemetery. I chose instead to go with a more pulpy reveal.The elderly man was a fellow veteran paratrooper from WW II (82nd or 101st airborne in my mind) who instinctively understood that Bryan was choosing to end his life with dignity and honor (hence the salute). He was there visiting the graves of his comrades. They did not know each other, but if the reader chooses to assume they did, that’s fine too.I wanted the hospital scene to look good on film, so that’s why the doctor is looking at the scanner display instead of just a print out of the results. The dialog between the doctor and Bryan is terse, mainly because of the 1-page limitation. William was correct when he said, "I doubt that you could have squeezed much more into your page". I hoped the abbreviated scene would still work, as the doctor knew that Bryan was a brave veteran who wouldn’t need the truth about his condition sugar-coated.Having Bryan outlive the doctor’s 8 week estimate was meant to show the determination and toughness of Bryan. He was a fighter, and 4 weeks after he was supposed to die he still had the willpower and strength to be able to end his life in his chosen way. Bryan would have viewed crying out as a sign of weakness, so he entered the grave silently. And yes, he did die at that point. As Jose accurately observed, "The paratrooper died doing what he liked best".Believe it or not, an experienced skydiver can actually steer more accurately while in free-fall than when he is under canopy. Factors like wind speed and direction are more easily overcome when traveling at high velocity. Assuming Bryan left the plane within range of the cemetery, being able to steer directly into a grave isn’t as improbable as it seems.No Travis, I’ve never been in the military. I just have a lot of respect for those who are or have been. :-)
Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 1:52 PM
I loved your story and glad you got placed.
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2009 2:21 PM
The "story behind the story" was fascinating. Thanks for sharing it.
Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 4:37 PM
One little thing you can fix so you won't have any other military folk complaining: In the story, Brian says "Hoo-rah!" You mention later that he's in the Army, though. Oorah is a Marine phrase, the Army says "Hooah." Army guys seem to hate it when people mix that up.
Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 5:16 PM
Congrats Eric. Nice work!
Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 1/2/2009 1:07 AM
This was a lot of fun to read, congrats on placing 2nd,Be it Oorah, Hoo-Rah, or YaHOOOOOOOO00000000ooooo ;-)
MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 9:27 AM
Really glad this placed, it was one of my favourites and thanks for sharing the inspiration behind it.Melissa
Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 7:11 PM
Oh, yeah, I loved X-Elixer too, go figure. I still can't believe I lost! :) At least I beat on scriptfest! ;)Great Job!
Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 7:12 PM
I meant 'beat you on scriptfest'. Don't drink and write.
Eric June (Level 1) ~ 1/4/2009 12:20 PM
Hah! Yes you did Chris, and I loved Lovecraft. It was in my top 3. :-)
Howard Jenson (Level 2) ~ 1/9/2009 2:16 PM
EricThe idea of the skydiving was a nice touch and you utilized it very well. By hving the opening shot 5000 feet into the air is a good intro in anybodys book, you have the reader immediately thinkin', WTF! The soldier standing to salute when Brian lands in the grave was outrageous...but in a good way. I happen to particularly enjoy black humour & you got it in spades here. (See punchline for overwhelming proof.Good job, man.
Tom Pascal (Level 1) ~ 1/12/2009 3:03 AM
Good work! Loved this, very funny.
Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 1/13/2009 2:23 PM
I thought this was pretty good. Not one of my favorites for the month but usually I'm wrong anyways. Formatting was solid and the story was entertaining.Congrats on placing!